I'm really bad at this. I thought I would post more often, perhaps even with every doctor's appointment, but I just haven't been able to write stuff down.
Well, today marks the one year mark from when we started trying to conceive. Ben has kindly let me know this is the definition of infertility, not being able to conceive within 1 year.
Looking back, I don't know why something like this would take so long. Sperm has not met with egg, despite all the things we are doing where that would be the most logical thing to happen. My uterus is "perfect", my eggs are young, and sperm is normal and plentiful. And the medicine is helping me ovulate regularly. It's so weird to me that the jury is still out on this kind of science. There's still so much mystery about what's actually happening.
As I think about this past year, I surprisingly don't focus on how much time I've spent trying to conceive. So let me force myself to think through how it went. Don't get me wrong, it was crazy in the beginning months, thinking of the possibility we would have a baby by the end of the year, reading everything like I was cramming for an exam, taking my temperature, changing my habits. And it's weird now to think of all the babies I know that are due or becoming due soon, how I might've been one of those women expecting right now.
I also think about the 5 months I didn't have a period, while I waited for the 6 month mark to see a Fertility doctor. I wonder if that was a waste of time. If I had seen the doctor earlier than July, would that have bought me some more cycles and would that have been beneficial.
The doctors appointments all blur together, and I barely remember how each of them went or what happened. I guess essentially if it resulted in nothing, it's not really that memorable. I fear that once I actually have a positive pregnancy test, I'll be caught off guard and won't remember how the cycle was. I guess it's kind of like scientists who do research and try the same thing over and over again, hoping for a breakthrough.
So where are we right now?
I'd been taking Clomid to help tell my body make the hormones necessary for the eggs to grow. But its been a little spastic with effectiveness. This cycle the doctor has now moved me to the next medicine we can try, Letrozole, which essentially does the same thing. The significance of this for me is that we're continuing to move along the various things you can try in increasing invasiveness, ending in IVF. I guess the feeling is I just want off this train, but I have no choice but to keep riding it.
What's been weird is planning things in advance. If I plan anything in 5 months, 6 months, more? I keep needing to say in my head, "Ok, now imagine you're pregnant, is this still going to work?" It's a little weird, but after that negative pregnancy test, we tend to book travel.
Included in planning is looking at my career. I get pinged at times for other jobs, and it's a weird thing for me that for the first time in my career, I don't even want to consider it. I plan on staying home when we have our first child. I'm also comfortable where I'm at, and I don't think it would be fun to move jobs, re-learn as a new person AGAIN, just to leave them hanging in less than a year....or maybe not. Maybe I won't become pregnant in so many years or at all. These are realities I'm able to consider as a possibility personally. But in planning my career, I'm a little bit in a holding pattern until I'm sure what's going to happen.
So goes this extra curricular activity of trying to conceive.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Waiting
I don't really like the word "Waiting". I think for me the word itself is not enough to describe what's really going on. It sounds stagnant, like nothing is happening.
There are times when I can't stand waiting, like when it's been an hour and the doctor still hasn't seen me yet, while I've been sitting there on the examination table with no pants on. There are times when I don't mind waiting, like as I wait to see if I'm getting my period next week. Knowing the science behind my uterus, I'd rather the egg really make sure it's going to be in a good spot, and in my mind, time is helpful for that. Well, it doesn't prevent me from starting to take the pregnancy tests though, hoping to see some glimmer of a positive.
I'm led to think about this song. The very first time I heard this song was from an unemployed African American lady who was living in a AIDS/HIV hospice. I was going to a CG run by David and Susan Plant at the time, back when they lived in the Village. And that group would run a worship service at the Bailey House once a month on a Sunday. To be honest this lady didn't sound very good, but I knew so much of what she was singing was coming from a real place of anguish and yet hope. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced, was hearing her sing that song. "I just can't give up now, come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me, the road would be easy, but I don't believe He's brought me this far just to leave me." Such faith, I thought. It's such an active type of waiting.
I think the weird thing about waiting to have a baby in the last 10 months, is how separated this is from what I need to seem like when at work. As I wait to have a baby, I am waiting to have a drastic shift in my life, waiting to stay at home with a living creature with all these needs. But at work, I need to seem like I'm not waiting for anything, I need to seem like I'm still working for that promotion, working to improve my skills. And to be fair, it's not like I'm not working for that. It's not like I can half ass work. Honestly, the work itself may be frustrating, but the people I work with are really great. And I'm doing well, if I can take the managerial feedback to heart. I've already gotten a small raise, I haven't even been there a year. Ugh, they're crazy. I get lucky in Corporate America yet again.
Meanwhile I have to go to all these doctor's appointments. My work starts at 7:30am. All my appointments are also at that time, and I usually am not done with it all until 9am to 10am. Designed for those working at 9am I guess (What is that like?! I have never had a job where I started at 9am.). Thankfully, my work instated last May a work from home once a week policy. And then all of a sudden in August, the building we were in was deemed not seismically safe, and everyone either can now work from home or move to an office in Simi Valley (1 hour away from me). It cannot be weirder how this is happening right now. I mean, this sounds made up. If I get pregnant, I'll have NO issues hiding morning sickness and whatnot until I was ready to tell my manager. And the more I can delay that, the more I can delay conversations about what will happen when I'm on "maternity leave".
I seeked out a mentor at work, more as a to-do because my manager told me to, versus actually wanting one, since it didn't make sense to me to get one if I wasn't really wanting to change jobs. So I found a mentor in a pregnant lady who's a Director level, and who is currently on maternity leave. I told her my plans and what I was going through. And I was slightly embarrassed, because I didn't want to sound disappointing for leaning-back(?) as they say. She is one of the smartest ladies at work, which is something to say in a workplace where I've found the talent lacking, with an MBA from Wharton and everything. I couldn't help being awkward when I told her. She wasn't mean or anything, but I could kind of sense the "Oh." feeling I was getting from her. It was a reminder that the judgment from corners that don't really have a say in my life will be coming, so in a way I am relishing this time when the world does not need to know.
Then again, I hope this waiting for baby does not have to happen for long!
There are times when I can't stand waiting, like when it's been an hour and the doctor still hasn't seen me yet, while I've been sitting there on the examination table with no pants on. There are times when I don't mind waiting, like as I wait to see if I'm getting my period next week. Knowing the science behind my uterus, I'd rather the egg really make sure it's going to be in a good spot, and in my mind, time is helpful for that. Well, it doesn't prevent me from starting to take the pregnancy tests though, hoping to see some glimmer of a positive.
I'm led to think about this song. The very first time I heard this song was from an unemployed African American lady who was living in a AIDS/HIV hospice. I was going to a CG run by David and Susan Plant at the time, back when they lived in the Village. And that group would run a worship service at the Bailey House once a month on a Sunday. To be honest this lady didn't sound very good, but I knew so much of what she was singing was coming from a real place of anguish and yet hope. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced, was hearing her sing that song. "I just can't give up now, come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me, the road would be easy, but I don't believe He's brought me this far just to leave me." Such faith, I thought. It's such an active type of waiting.
I think the weird thing about waiting to have a baby in the last 10 months, is how separated this is from what I need to seem like when at work. As I wait to have a baby, I am waiting to have a drastic shift in my life, waiting to stay at home with a living creature with all these needs. But at work, I need to seem like I'm not waiting for anything, I need to seem like I'm still working for that promotion, working to improve my skills. And to be fair, it's not like I'm not working for that. It's not like I can half ass work. Honestly, the work itself may be frustrating, but the people I work with are really great. And I'm doing well, if I can take the managerial feedback to heart. I've already gotten a small raise, I haven't even been there a year. Ugh, they're crazy. I get lucky in Corporate America yet again.
Meanwhile I have to go to all these doctor's appointments. My work starts at 7:30am. All my appointments are also at that time, and I usually am not done with it all until 9am to 10am. Designed for those working at 9am I guess (What is that like?! I have never had a job where I started at 9am.). Thankfully, my work instated last May a work from home once a week policy. And then all of a sudden in August, the building we were in was deemed not seismically safe, and everyone either can now work from home or move to an office in Simi Valley (1 hour away from me). It cannot be weirder how this is happening right now. I mean, this sounds made up. If I get pregnant, I'll have NO issues hiding morning sickness and whatnot until I was ready to tell my manager. And the more I can delay that, the more I can delay conversations about what will happen when I'm on "maternity leave".
I seeked out a mentor at work, more as a to-do because my manager told me to, versus actually wanting one, since it didn't make sense to me to get one if I wasn't really wanting to change jobs. So I found a mentor in a pregnant lady who's a Director level, and who is currently on maternity leave. I told her my plans and what I was going through. And I was slightly embarrassed, because I didn't want to sound disappointing for leaning-back(?) as they say. She is one of the smartest ladies at work, which is something to say in a workplace where I've found the talent lacking, with an MBA from Wharton and everything. I couldn't help being awkward when I told her. She wasn't mean or anything, but I could kind of sense the "Oh." feeling I was getting from her. It was a reminder that the judgment from corners that don't really have a say in my life will be coming, so in a way I am relishing this time when the world does not need to know.
Then again, I hope this waiting for baby does not have to happen for long!
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
The Nitty Gritty of Trying to Conceive
It's been a while. It's hard for me to write anymore, as I don't find it very helpful for me to have to write out my thoughts and feelings in a way that makes sense to other people reading. I know this is lazy, and most people don't have the patience to read crap. But given our current situation in life, this private blog seems to be the only means to effectively share my heart to those I know care about me, and who happen to be very far away geographically.
To counter fears of being isolated, I've decided to blog again. I have to say that this will be rather detailed, so warning you that this could be gross to read.
Ben and I started trying to conceive (TTC) at the beginning of December last year. Some of you might know that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Much like any other disease, it has lots of variants, but the bottom line with it is that I didn't have regular periods because of this. I was diagnosed my first summer in NY. I specifically remember walking around Wall Street for my summer job, stunned with the news. Naturally, once I started dating Ben, I shared with him this fact. Being the planners we are, we both of course set our expectations about how hard TTC would be, knowing well that it could take multiple years.
Since December, I've basically ovulated 5 times. We tried from December-June by ourselves, then I started going to the Fertility doctor in July. Good news is we did a full screening, and only Ben has some sort of super obscure rare disease that he could possibly pass on in his genes. I have none, therefore making the odds super small that we would pass it on. Also, I was always told that starting to try early would be to my benefit, and the doctor seems to confirm that letting me know that my uterus, my eggs, Ben's sperm is all good in the hood. The essential issue here is that I'm just not ovulating enough and it would take forever to conceive if I had to wait for my body. One of my cycles was seriously 142 days...
So 2 of these times I ovulated were from the help of some medicine, which tricks my body into creating more hormones for the growth of an egg. This requires some trial and error as I go into the doctor's office multiple times, almost once a week, as she checks to see whether an egg is getting ready to be popped out. This requires many vaginal ultrasounds (yes, through the vagina), which of course, as you can imagine, sucks. I've had some side effects with the medicine, including hot flashes and once my vision got really weird. Also sucky.
Once the egg looks good to go, she tells me to have an injection of HCG (administered by Ben at home), which should trigger the egg to be released, and BINGO I've ovulated. This last Monday, we also did a intra-uterine insemination (IUI), where they basically collect the sperm, clean it, and put it in through the cervix via a catheter so it's placed where it needs to go. Don't worry, we're still having intercourse too, but this IUI piece I guess is the extra help. So the waiting begins, and I hope to pee on a stick in 2 weeks to see if one of the 46 million sperm inserted into me met with my 1 egg.
Fertility medicine, visits, etc. is actually not something that is usually covered under insurance. It's rather ridiculous, because it's such a common thing to need really. I was rather worried about this in the beginning, but by God's grace a majority of this stuff is free when we do it through UCLA. So far I have not paid a penny, though I think I'll get billed for the IUI. So a good time for us to be having babies!! This is beyond awesome. I think we've probably spent thousands upon thousands at this point in the process.
So I'm supposed to start taking progesterone vaginally (yes, through my vagina like it's a mouth) 3 times a day tomorrow. Last time I did this was in early August, and I unfortunately reacted very badly to it. I'm giving it a try again and will see if it happens again.
If you are wondering how I'm doing this while still working...that's probably the next post. Give me some love in the comments and let me know if you're interested in reading this.
To counter fears of being isolated, I've decided to blog again. I have to say that this will be rather detailed, so warning you that this could be gross to read.
Ben and I started trying to conceive (TTC) at the beginning of December last year. Some of you might know that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Much like any other disease, it has lots of variants, but the bottom line with it is that I didn't have regular periods because of this. I was diagnosed my first summer in NY. I specifically remember walking around Wall Street for my summer job, stunned with the news. Naturally, once I started dating Ben, I shared with him this fact. Being the planners we are, we both of course set our expectations about how hard TTC would be, knowing well that it could take multiple years.
Since December, I've basically ovulated 5 times. We tried from December-June by ourselves, then I started going to the Fertility doctor in July. Good news is we did a full screening, and only Ben has some sort of super obscure rare disease that he could possibly pass on in his genes. I have none, therefore making the odds super small that we would pass it on. Also, I was always told that starting to try early would be to my benefit, and the doctor seems to confirm that letting me know that my uterus, my eggs, Ben's sperm is all good in the hood. The essential issue here is that I'm just not ovulating enough and it would take forever to conceive if I had to wait for my body. One of my cycles was seriously 142 days...
So 2 of these times I ovulated were from the help of some medicine, which tricks my body into creating more hormones for the growth of an egg. This requires some trial and error as I go into the doctor's office multiple times, almost once a week, as she checks to see whether an egg is getting ready to be popped out. This requires many vaginal ultrasounds (yes, through the vagina), which of course, as you can imagine, sucks. I've had some side effects with the medicine, including hot flashes and once my vision got really weird. Also sucky.
Once the egg looks good to go, she tells me to have an injection of HCG (administered by Ben at home), which should trigger the egg to be released, and BINGO I've ovulated. This last Monday, we also did a intra-uterine insemination (IUI), where they basically collect the sperm, clean it, and put it in through the cervix via a catheter so it's placed where it needs to go. Don't worry, we're still having intercourse too, but this IUI piece I guess is the extra help. So the waiting begins, and I hope to pee on a stick in 2 weeks to see if one of the 46 million sperm inserted into me met with my 1 egg.
Fertility medicine, visits, etc. is actually not something that is usually covered under insurance. It's rather ridiculous, because it's such a common thing to need really. I was rather worried about this in the beginning, but by God's grace a majority of this stuff is free when we do it through UCLA. So far I have not paid a penny, though I think I'll get billed for the IUI. So a good time for us to be having babies!! This is beyond awesome. I think we've probably spent thousands upon thousands at this point in the process.
So I'm supposed to start taking progesterone vaginally (yes, through my vagina like it's a mouth) 3 times a day tomorrow. Last time I did this was in early August, and I unfortunately reacted very badly to it. I'm giving it a try again and will see if it happens again.
If you are wondering how I'm doing this while still working...that's probably the next post. Give me some love in the comments and let me know if you're interested in reading this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)