I wish it was Sunday

I know it's a Monday when I've got a headache looking at a screen all day. Imagine if I was doing actual work! I sincerely never realize where my day goes. Having this 9-hour block of time, unscheduled...it's confusing.

Gah, the Gospel!

I started reading this intro by J.I. Packer for a book of John Owen's, "The Death of Death in the Death of Christ" (haha, yes it makes me giggle). Just read part 1 of it where he talks about the need for the recovery of the Gospel. How people have made the Gospel all about help for man, instead of the fuller description as giving glory to God.

"Accordingly, the themes of man's natural inability to believe, of God's free election being the ultimate cause of salvation, and of Christ dying specifically for his sheep are not preached. These doctrines, it would be said, are not 'helpful'; they would drive sinners to despair, by suggesting to them that it is not in their own power to be saved through Christ. (The possibility that such despair might be salutary is not considered: it is taken for granted that it cannot be, because it is so shattering to our self-esteem.) However this may be (and we shall say more about it later), the result of these omissions is that part of the biblical gospel is now preached as if it were the whole of that gospel; and a half-truth masquerading as the whole truth becomes a complete untruth. Thus, we appeal to men as if they all had the ability to receive Christ at any time; we speak of his redeeming work as if he had make it possible for us to save ourselves by believing; we speak of God's love as if it were no more than a general willingness to receive any who will turn and trust; and we depict the Father and the Son, not as sovereignly active in drawing sinners to themselves, but as waiting in quiet impotence 'at the door of our hearts' for us to let them in."

This thought has been shattering my self-made view of God lately. Yes, you start reading this and you think, well, it's basic belief in sinners saved by grace not by works. But do we really live this way? Do you wake up in complete reliance on Jesus dying for you? Do you really hate sin as evil? Do you really abhor sin or do you just hate the consequences of self-hate and look to the Gospel as a form relief from your suffering, never really letting the redemptive work of Jesus take over and returning to sin over and over again? I've been doing the latter and realized how hard it is to do the former. To be universally sincere in accepting the Gospel as the power of God, not just a help.

Yes, God is always welcoming and always waiting for us to turn, but neither is this our work, but only through the work of the Spirit. God is more than a Help, He is the very power that propels you.

This is how the Gospel is offensive as a intelligent, educated, highly self-sufficient person. It's so unnerving to think that my little attempts to clean myself up only make me dirtier and uglier with indwelling sin. To think that I am totally incapable of making friends without Jesus. To think that I am totally incapable of doing or having any work without the Spirit. To think I can keep it together and be a solid, supportive girlfriend without the Lord. Basically, the idea that I'm not being real about my sins at all, if I don't see their true evil. It sucks, and you almost don't know how to approach a God like that, a God that is so holy that even the very way you praise Him is inadequate and like dirty menstruation rags. Like you never really knew God at all. He makes Himself known, yet He is utterly unknowable. He reveals Himself, but He is unrevealed.

This tension rages on. And I can only pray and meditate feebly, having faith that the Spirit will move, and that God is still with me and for me. That this is still true: "God is mine helper." - Psalms 54:4 and all the truer with the fullness of the Gospel. He infinitely loves me and cherishes my heart and my life because all He sees is Jesus. We can only be justified by faith. And I knew all this from the beginning, but the Gospel just runs deeper and deeper with meaning with every movement and revelation of God. Justification and sanctification should be the same exact thing, a process done daily and throughout my life.

May I always say with joy and gladness: I'm a Christian, can you even believe it?!?!

Processing (...and this is just one passage)

"Truth loves the light and is most beautiful when most naked."

The problem with truth is no one really has it. So everyone, as in every human being, runs around thinking they've got the "Truth" when really they've just got a little truth. Totally changing the quote in my header line to this, because I feel like a new season is upon me (haha who knows if it's true?). Besides, I like the idea of nakedness. Fun part of not being in school is the freedom to determine a season of life separate from semesters, quarters, breaks, and when things are due.

Blogging is difficult when you're going through a lot of stuff. I've been struggling with defining what would be helpful to process here. I find myself sincerely disinterested in writing a post and rushing one at the end of the day or not at all. Also, it's hard to fight that feeling of performance on here, considering apparently I have a larger audience than I thought. Remarkably however, though there is a lot to process, it hasn't been burdensome, and I remain grateful instead of angry. So great is the Lord's grace that has carried me through a lot to get to a point where I can be happy and joyful, even with the hard things in life. So great is His love and affection toward me...ME!

Hmmm...so let me discuss the following long ass quote from John Owen:
"Hatred of sin as sin, not only as galling or disquieting, a sense of the love of Christ in the cross, lie at the bottom of all true spiritual mortification. Now, it is certain that that which I speak of proceeds from self-love. Thou settest thyself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such a lust or sin; what is the reason of it? It disquiets thee, it hath taken away thy peace, it fills thy heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear; thou hast no rest because of it. Yea; but, friend, thou hast neglected prayer or reading; thou hast been vain and loose in thy conversation in other things, that have not been of the same nature with that lust wherewith thou art perplexed. These are no less sins and evils than those under which thou groanest. Jesus Christ bled for them also. Why dost thou not set thyself against them also? If thou hatest sin as sin, every evil way, thou wouldst be no less watchful against every thing that grieves and disquiets thine own soul. It is evident that thou contendest against sin merely because of thy own trouble by it. Would thy conscience be quiet under it, thou wouldst let it alone. Did it not disquiet thee, it should not be disquieted by thee. Now, canst thou think that God will set in with such hypocritical endeavours, -- that ever his Spirit will bear witness to the treachery and falsehood of thy spirit? Dost thou think he will ease thee of that which perplexeth thee, that thou mayst be at liberty to that which no less grieves him? No. Says God, "Here is one, if he could be rid of this lust I should never hear of him more; let him wrestle with this, or he is lost." Let not any man think to do his own work that will not do God's. God's work consists in universal obedience; to be freed of the present perplexity is their own only. Hence is that of the apostle, 2 Cor. 7:1, "Cleanse yourselves from all pollution of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God." If we will do any thing, we must do all things. So, then, it is not only an intense opposition to this or that peculiar lust, but a universal humble frame and temper of heart, with watchfulness over every evil and for the performance of every duty, that is accepted."


I used to think "Elder Son" was more of a danger for mature Christians like the Rick Warrens and Tim Kellers of this world. People who are not just part of a ministry but help found ministries and general do good throughout society. But I realized that isn't true at all. Jesus said that if you have hatred in your heart for another person, you have murdered them and that if you lust after someone who is not your spouse, then you have committed adultery. Why can't it be applied that if you even think that going to small group regularly, hanging out with Christian friends all the time, etc. can save you, then you are in fact being an "Elder Son", spitting on the Cross and mocking the blood of Christ.

If you haven't noticed I've been reading a lot about and by the Puritans. And it's making me think a lot about how I operate theologically, which of course influences my ideas about ministry and evangelism. Specifically, this passage makes me re-think my own experience processing the greatness of my sin (...that sounds like I'm implying I'm done, but we all know I'm absolutely not). I came into Navs with all my addictions, neediness and shame. When the true power of the Gospel was shown to me at the Penn State retreat of my freshman year, I confessed to God and those around me. I set myself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such lust and sin. And I hated sin as "galling or disquieting" and it filled my heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear. But I didn't hate sin for sin, I hated sin because I realized it was bad and out of a spirit of self-love, not because I thought God was good and that I loved Him. Because of this, I came back to sinning over and over again. And I was usually very surprised when the more obvious sins of my life came back. Like I thought I was over it. I went on like that for a few years because God said, "let [her] wrestle with this, or [s]he is lost".


Then, all of a sudden, I fell in love with God for who He is and what He had done, not because I wanted His peace and wanted to be seen as "good" and mature or I wanted to be well-liked by my Christian friends. It is truly the work of the Spirit and no one else. I can't pinpoint when the exact moment or season this happened, but it probably had something to do with counseling and starting to wrestle with God and just God, not my parents, not my friends, not even my idols. You can't trust anyone you don't know, and I was starting to know and trust God. God had called me to Himself.


I really like the point the passage makes about how much this twisted kind of mortification of sin is self-love and noticable with the neglect of every other thing in life that still have everything to do with our sinfulness. If I'm really working on not looking at porn anymore (and succeeding), but then don't daily read the Bible, don't pray unceasingily, don't go to church, drink to the point of incoherance or even just spending money freely without gratefulness to the God who gave it to me thinking I earned it, then what use is the one victory? What kind of heart could I have obeying God one way but blatantly and obstinately disobeying God every other way? What sucks is outwardly, I think I'm doing it right or at least I'm not that bad, that I'm being a Christian, but really I've just diverted my energies from an obvious sin to a more sinister and insidious and dangerous kind. Sin that can go on for the rest of my life un-challenged and all the while corrupting every part of me to the point that I won't be myself anymore. I'll be some other demented kind of person with no true self, for my true self is only in Christ.

By the true, powerful and redemptive grace of the Spirit, I'm in a better place, which is always good. But I would be a fool if I didn't look back and see how wrong I was all the times I thought I was alright and assume that I'm done. In fact, what's great about Owen is how he emphasizes that the mortification of sin is a lifelong, daily practice. It's a constant putting to death, with the understanding that indwelling sin will never be dead in this world. I am always capable of taking my temptations to the extreme, lustful thoughts to sex outside of marriage, bitterness to hate to murder. It is a constant, perpetual going to Jesus and letting the Spirit do its work. The paradox is the key and understanding it will take a lifetime. Nevertheless, the mortification of sin is work for believers (who have had a real encounter with Christ and a real surrender of their lives) to do, not people who don't hate sin for sin but in fact love it and relish in temptation and use the Gospel for their own ends of relief and self-justification.

I cannot believe how much I'm learning from Mortification of Sin. Everything that John Owen says may seem familiar, but no one, NO ONE, ever says it like this anymore. And it's not just the old English ^_^. It's weird to realize that I'm reading this now because I'm ready to read it and not at any other time was I ready for such truth to pierce my heart. (And I credit Ben for turning me on to it). I'm not done with the book yet, and I could write on and on for so many other passages. This is probably one of the most important books I've read in my life. Read it if you feel lead to.

Thought Stream

For me, I think what sucks about not being in school anymore, is the constant re-establishing/re-orienting/re-thinking/re-considering/re-prioritizing. There's just more structure for this stuff in school, almost manufactured. Now, I feel like at least every few weeks (much more frequent in the beginning) I find myself being challenged my something. It could be something I read, something I realize, something a friend says, something a stranger says. I'm slowly getting it through my thick head that it's just life, and that I'm being a baby, but this is just really annoying and I never see it coming. Lack of outward stability is always draining. That's why an inward stability has been so much more important to me. I've really been grasping a hold of Jesus as my only constant and the one true thing that's getting me through this life. It's been getting easier. Whenever I realize something terrible about me, about the world, it has gotten so much easier to see God's glory in the midst of it. It gets to be that with any negative feelings I hear or feel, I immediately want to rush to Jesus to fill me all the more with His mercy and grace. To empower me to speak the truth and say, "Rejoice, for the kingdom of heaven is near!"

This huge internal dialogue is has been happening in my head. And when it doesn't...I get really worried...then I suddenly start thinking about the Resurrection again. I guess we're just not made to be robots. I'm constantly thinking and feeling.

PF Blogs and Prayer (Unequal pastimes)

I'm slowly easing my way into "normal" life. I started reading Google Reader in earnest today...and it was weird slowly getting sucked into the finance blogs and my curiosity again diverting my attention to such topics. It's tax season, and that adds all sorts of curiosity on my part...I really don't know much about taxes, and I wish I did. Sometimes I really wish I didn't listen to my mother and just did Accounting as my double-major. Oddly enough, it would've really helped for what I'm working on now...then again, I probably would've focused too much on being an accountant, which would not have led me to where I am today.

So mainly right now, I'm trying to focus on not being overwhelmed. This involves a lot of making myself busy and prayer. More prayer probably is needed. I really wish I could pray more and often and with other people and for other people and other people for me. It's a weird sensation thinking that possibly no one is praying for me...it's not true I'm sure, and a bit of a self-centered thought at best, but I really feel like people praying for me has this supernatural power in my life (as it should) that I can almost feel sometimes. I feel so alone without it. You can never hang out with me, never call me, never hug me, but the thought of someone praying for me, that really makes me feel loved. My great grandmother is an example of this. She's passed away now, but she used to have list of all her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren (which are A LOT) and do a rosary for each one of us regularly. Even in my darkest times, somehow I would imagine her doing this and think, wow, someone cares. I hadn't seen her since I was 6 years old or something, but it mattered a lot to me that she was doing that.

But then I rarely really pray for anyone, unless I know they're going through something or they ask for it...that's just really lame.

Commuting

There are certain things that make living in NY horrible. On my list number 1 is laundry. Number 2 is COMMUTING. It's not even the length of it (because on that point I have no right to complain since many, many people have longer commutes than I; and to an extent I choose where I live), it's the psychology of it. Man, I thought I knew what commuting was in school, but no, no you really don't until you get the Grand Central-esque experience of people in black coats and boots moving really quickly and purposefully. Moving en masse with millions of New Yorkers on a twice daily basis can make my soul feel pretty sapped. Here's what sucks:

1) The constant and persistent pushing/jostling/touching a stranger
2) Establishment of dominance (either by me or someone else) so that the other person steps aside/stays put
3) Dull, unhappy faces
4) The thought that once I get to my destination, I am stuck there for some period of time, and if not, I feel my time is wasted.
5) The feeling that I am constantly surrounded and in public, anonymous yet exposed.

I am currently commuting at least 2 hours a day. A longer commute might be a little more relaxing as there is probably a longer stretch of not being in the mode of 2) (though it is a detriment to sleep and sanity; I had a 3 hours a day commute to ML when I still lived in Jersey City), and a shorter commute would of course be great in general (though not realistic for most people in this city). Millions of people do what I do, I tell myself. I have actually seen a few people come from Astoria to Pavonia/Newport with me. It's not uncommon at all, but that only makes it more of a problem than making me feel any better.

So the fact that the MTA is cutting the W line this spring is gonna really piss me off I fear. It's cutting the service up there in half and will equal longer waits or more crowded trains...well both. Either way, it's a longer, rougher commute for a higher price.

Life doesn't suck all that much, but I thought I should finally vet out some of my feelings about the issue being a long time commuter in the tri-state area. I look forward to someday finally having a "normal" 30-minute commute!!!

The Great White Way

As if God were granting my wish, Ben and I saw Wicked last night...for free!! That's right free c/o Columbia. I went up to the main campus to meet Ben first in line for the tickets and I realized that the last time I was there was October 2003, when I was terribly sick and didn't even go through the campus tour. And it dawned on me that Ben goes to Columbia...Columbia! What? Weird. Truly the med school is NOT like the main campus at all. A logical debate even ensued while we were in line (about whether a girl was cutting or not). The other girl articulated her argument well, but NYU students would've just put in expletives and a bit more drama and accusation into it.

Anyway, as I was watching the show, I realized that I hadn't seen Wicked since Freshman year. A lot has happened. Which means I didn't really see the show the same way I did before. I remember crying more and generally feeling that real life was unfair. Essentially, thinking the story was completely improbable and had nothing to do with my real life. I think most women who see that show feel empowered, but I just felt like it was all wishful thinking, that I was too weak for it to be true. I was pretty depressing. I think this is the reason why I never really was one of those people who liked to sing or hear Wicked songs. It reminded me of hopelessness, even now.

This time I watched it with a sense of distance and nostalgia. With a sense that, wow, it kinda mirrored the last four years quite nicely. There's facing the core lie, being freed from the bondage of old idols, being loved and accepted for who I really am, making (unexpected) friends, self-doubt and struggle, being given a vision for life, forgiveness, redemption and more. Wicked is a coming of age story, basically, that really happens to parallel my own.

Oh and we saw Equus on Tuesday (this one was paid for and planned). We got seats on stage, so we were the closest we'll probably ever be to Daniel Radcliffe (in case you don't know, he gets completely naked). And it was just so wonderfully good. I can't believe how great it was theologically. Basically talking about how we all need to worship something, to be passionate for something. Ben and I thought how weird it was that BECAUSE we're Christians, we could relate to the crazy 17-year-old better. We recognized our own craziness and depravity in him as well as the desperate need for a Savior. We aren't really "normal" in this broken world.

It's been pretty exhausting. Not only are my sleep patterns messed up, but there's all of that stuff to think about, all stuck in my head with nowhere to go. It feels like it's already Friday today.

Friday and Sanctification

Man, how a day does drag on so. So much so that I'm writing in my blog without any real sense of purpose. I hate how this feels, I hate being wasted (and I don't mean that in an alcohol sense).

I put up some pictures at my desk today, and I think that stuff really does make a difference. I also have this calendar that I'm highlighting blue for everyday that passes and green for any vacations I've planned. It's depressing to think that it is really most of what I think about. Someone was telling me how kinda awful it is for someone to have all their hopes and joys into a fabulous vacation that last for a short period of time versus being in the arms of Jesus for all of eternity...I guess sometimes a vacation is all I can grasp at, it's all I can hope for. It's a numbing mechanism in my brain that has turned way on recently. Sometimes it's not even that far off in the future, it's just what I'm going to be doing tonight and with whom and for what purpose.

I think after processing the themes in my first blog posting below, my heart, my body, my mind just gets exhausted. That place where you experience the realization of your extreme sinfulness (in a sense that not only do I sin, but I am a sinner) and the powerful holiness and grace of God. That's exhausting...it's exhausting crying about it with overwhelming tears. But it's so much at the heart of reality that it's difficult controlling my emotions even just typing this in at work! I think if you spend enough time with me nowadays and I allow myself enough room for grace, I just come to that place and break down. Wow, no wonder I've been numbing my mind to dull my soul.

So my counselor gave me this illustration that we come down to the valley to realize the depth of our sinfulness so that we go up the mountain, receiving the grace that brings us joy and peace and a relationship with Jesus, a person. Of course! Basics of Christianity right?...I guess I have fears that I haven't really reached the bottom of the valley, and in order to reach it, there needs to be a lot of prayer, and to pray is to change. Instead of going there, I think this past week I've started to prefer to just pretend that the valley is great, that the valley is just fine for now. But there's this weird tension of the Christian life. There's this call to do that, to wrestle with God, but there's also the whole waiting for the Spirit to move...it's going to take time. It's not like by the next time I post I'm going to say, YAY, I'm no longer a sinner and I'm completely sanctified. NO! I am justified, yet being sanctified, and none of it is because I love God, but because He loves me. So just because this takes awhile, it doesn't mean I do nothing and ignore my helpless state, and just because I'm a sinner in great need to be sanctified, doesn't mean it's going to happen in my time. It's not magical, it's supernatural.