Lala and Idolizing my wedding

So I just signed up for Lala this rival to iTunes, except with a totally different business model and looks to be web-based. You can listen to the entire song once before buying. Also, you can add songs to your collection for 10 cents for unlimited play, and the first 50 are free! You can play it from any browser, which is perfect for me at work! (Until IT gets with it and blocks it). I'm not sure about pricing, but so far "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce is $1.19 and "Rockstar" by Nickelback is $0.79 ^_^. And you can upload all your music onto their site so I could listen to my music at work! Crazy! Of course, like all the newest things, it has a social aspect to it, but I'm assuming I won't have too many friends on there for now.

I've been thinking about shame lately and how that relates to our idols. This wedding is definitely a "near" idol that needs to be destroyed. But I think I never really thought about how insecure we can be with our idols. At least, I've never really applied this thought to my own idol of having the perfect wedding. When we worship anything other than God, we really associate our identity with it. Like if we worship friends or relationships, we morph ourselves to be exactly like our friends just to be cool, neglecting to nurture how God made us uniquely. This is like High School socializing 101! But something in all of us knows, it's not enough for our souls and never will be. So whenever an idol like this is attacked, our very self feels attacked.

Let me apply this to wedding stuff. Whenever someone questions and/or is fairly negative about a decision I made for the wedding, I feel attacked personally. As if that person is not just saying I'm doing everything wrong (which isn't necessarily what they're saying), but I myself am wrong. Beneath this feeling is the feeling of being shamed. Feeling that if my wedding isn't perfect that it's reflective of my shameful self. Why does it shame me? Because it has become my god, I have sacrificed everything for it, and loved it above all things, BUT it does not redeem, love, cherish, protect, strengthen me. It in fact does nothing but give me some human approval, which is rather worthless in the long run. It is not JESUS CHRIST who gave all of Himself for my sins and for the restoration of my beauty and true self, which is something infinitely more valuable and everlasting.

It's taken me awhile to kind of parse through the various feelings and triggers that has been going on the last few weeks. I'm sure there will be more to come. I've been using my control over wedding plans as my savior to try and fight the feelings of shame at the prospect of having a "sub-par" wedding. Really, I must not be like "chaff that the wind blows away" fighting for myself. I must be "like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." This realization took me a lot longer than it should've, but I love how it didn't take me as long as it used to ^_^. God has been so gracious to me.

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night." - Psalm 1:1-2

Rollin' with my homies

While talking to my boss today about possibly needing to turn in status reports tomorrow (because he'll be out), he mentions that some people may start to be rolled off the project, since we've got nothing to build at this point...It's so weird to think I'll actually might leave this cubicle in Jersey City, and might do some actual work in some other busy building, but be in a completely stable job (well...you know, as complete as you can be in this economy). How exciting! I know work isn't always going to be this huge fulfilling thing in my life and that it doesn't have to be, but it's nice to think about the prospect of change on the horizon. I'm really getting quite tired of awkwardly asking if there's anything to do and just getting the "nope, I'm good" answer. I just sit at my desk ruminating about the wedding without a buffer from the anxiety that brings. Anyway, I really like what comes with being a consultant. I see other young people who work for the client, and I marvel at the thought that the other job I was interviewing for was for their type of job. I think I just like knowing that where I'm at isn't the end until I get promoted or something. But my company gives me the much needed stability I need, so that I'm not like out on my own trying to market myself. I can't even imagine!! Somehow, I still like my firm and look forward to growing with it. I can see myself staying there for quite some time. Also, they're rolling out some new business cards that say "Consultant" on them, and I am TOTALLY psyched. God is so gracious, even in the little things (one might say, especially in the little things).

Wedding annoyance of the day: "December 21st...that's a Monday right?" Yes, silly vendor. So give me a cheaper price! What ELSE are you doing that day?

Dreams

Recently, I've been paying more attention to my dreams...don't really remember why, but I just have. I'm not writing them down or anything, though it helps when I tell someone about it. I noticed that most of my dreams actually include people I never really see like my parents, my brother, my closest cousins, my dog, my grandmother who has passed away, and Laura Z. Ben will make an appearance once and awhile, but most times it's all these random people.

Another thing is that I'm always on vacation somewhere, like in somebody else's house or my house or in a villa by the ocean. I guess it makes sense that I'm on vacation since these are the only contexts I see any of these people anymore. I realize that all of them have something to do with me being responsible for something.

One dream my parents and I went off on vacation, but apparently I had a paper to write and forgot some textbooks at home (SO weird, because I didn't really write that many papers as a Sternie). I drive back home and see my dog, Boris, and am so confused as to why my parents would leave Boris by himself (this is HILARIOUS because it would never happen and my parents are very particular about Boris's caretaker and schedule while they are away). But then my cousins Josh and Jikki were just hanging out there at my house. Basically it involved me running around taking care of things, while everyone wasn't doing anything about it.

So I think the running theme is that I feel resentful toward all the responsibility I've been given and other people who should be doing what they're responsible for, but are just so callously not, thus causing me to pull up the slack. Classic boundary problem I have with my parents. Classic boundary problem I have with everybody! Though, I think I've really made strides in this regard. Boundaries are so healthy.

Ah, thank God for counseling but more importantly His Holy Spirit!

Emo-ish Music

For several reasons, I guess certain areas of growth (and non-growth..womp,womp) have been coming to mind more frequently. The last few months I've been thinking about anxiety as a sin. Connected to that, despairing and fear as sin. Sin here being defined as walking away from God, since at any given moment, you are either walking towards or away from Him. Everyone floats somewhere, as Paige Brown said. All these thoughts and feelings of anxiety and despiar are expressed from a loss of belief in God's sovereignty and goodness. Of course it's a given that everyone feels these things, and living in denial of fear is even worse than actually acknowledging it, but I always try to go by the quote at the top of this blog and try to describe and define instead of just praise and dispraise. Anyway, moving on.

I've been anxious all my life and quite prone to despair. It lead to complex behavioral ways of coping, addiction being a main ingredient. But as I continually smack into the reality of God, the truth of His love and salvation has molded me into something a bit more like what I should be.

Music has played a major role in my understanding of this process. Being the deep feeler that I am, I like to listen to emotionally charged music.

Like Nicole Nordeman - "Anyway" :

"Every layer of mine hides a lovely design, it might take a little patience, it might take a little time, but you called me BEAUTIFUL, when you saw my shame. And you placed me on the wall, anyway."

I thought a lot about surrender my Freshman year, since it was clearly what I had to do. And I was finding the joy and healing in the pain of being utterly gross, but not held responsible for it.

Mute Math "Control":

"There's no better loss than to lose myself in you."
"Take control of the atmosphere, there is no reason I should breathe, unless you're in the air."

Then I started to realize that there's more to it than what it means for me. The beauty of justification and sanctification is it's more than just making me better, it's making me better for human flourishing for the Glory of God. But what does a loss of control really mean then if it's not just skydiving into an oblivion, but becoming Christ-like and engaging in the world? You can lose control in a lot of ways, and all equally destructive, but there's only one way that leads to life.

Everyone knows the ubiquitous Spiderman 2 theme song from Dashboard Confessional - "Vindicated"

"Slip away against the current."



Much like the Spiderman movie, true salvation is more than self-redemption but world redemption. Everything is not just going to be right with you, but also with this world that God has created; and we as the Church have something to do with that Kingdom work.



It's amazing how I listened to these songs so much a few years ago, to comfort my despairing heart. But it's getting easier to see the truth that I shouldn't even be worried at all. That there are so many reasons in Christ to be hopeful always.

Here's a quote from Brothers Karamazov. The "elder" is speaking to this woman filled with guilt and fear: "Don't be afraid of anything, ever. And do not grieve. As long as your repentance does not weaken, God will forgive everything. There is not - there cannot be - a sin on earth that God will not forgive the truly repentant. Why, a man cannot a sin so great as to exhaust the infinite love of God. How could there be a sin that would surpass the love of God? Think only of repentance, all the time, and drive away all fear. Have faith that God loves you, sinful as you are and, indeed, because of your sin. It was said long ago that there is more joy in heaven over one repentant sinner than over ten righteous men. Go now, and fear nothing. Do not be offended if people treat you badly. Do not hold it against them. And forgive your departed husband all the harm he did you. Become truly reconciled with him. For if you repent, you love, and if you love, you are with God. Love redeems and saves everything...Love is such an infinite treasure it can buy the whole world and can redeem not only your sins, but the sins of all people. So go and fear no more." FEAR NO MORE!

I've mentioned how much I love Brett Dennen - "Darlin' Do Not Fear"

"The confidence is full as your faith etched in stone
and neither could comfort you from the wild unknown
So bury your burning hatred like a hatchet in the snow
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know.
If you have a broken heart or a battered soul
Find something to hold on to or to let go
to help you through the hard nights like a flask filled with hope
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
'cause it won't last - your worries will pass" --> Damn, this whole song is quotable.

"I fear no evil, for you are with me. Strong to deliver, mighty to save." - Got this from a song too, but it's in the Psalms right?

Yet again, I think reading this post can make peopel think it's a hodge-podge. But really it's all about finding happiness, hope, love, and peace in the abounding grace of God. At the Redeemer interview I was reminded over and over about my name and what it means. And how it's what I should be giving to other people, Xaris (grace, that which gives joy), me becoming my true self in Jesus.

It would be overwhelming, if not for xaris being given to me. I've always wanted to do a post like this with a sprinkling of songs that have changed my life, and have grown me and shown me the truth in the Gospel. And it's always good to not hide from where you've been and to see the power and glory of God already shown in you.

"You've come far and though you're far from the end, you don't mind where you are 'cause you know where you've been." - Carbon Leaf - "Let Your Troubles Roll By"

Mentors

Here is what Dave just told me about a new project that might be starting up: "I want to see you do well and I think with you the potential is limitless...I'm trying to bring you into this project because I think you have a good attitude and I enjoy working with you."

Wow, that is waaaaay better than getting an A.

First of all, I totally thought of Wicked when he said "limitless" (Unlimited, Together we're unlimited...from "Defying Gravity"). Second of all, my mama had always told me about the importance of good mentors, from spiritual to the work environment. She lead by practice. She has had women friends who disciple her and that those she disciples. She also has stayed in contact with a major work mentor in her life. You could say her work mentor was probably responsible for bringing us to the States...that's pretty major. He wasn't a Christian and was a workaholic and I hated his bratty children (we did meet at one point). But this man brought much good to my family.

Considering this, I'm amazed at how much God has blessed me with mentors. Growing up, I didn't really have a sense that anyone older and/or wiser than me cared about my progress and my dreams. But in his own way, my older brother played mentor to me, even through the years when he was a brute to me. I think I have a natural inclination toward the idea of needing something like that.

So I'm impressed with someone like Dave, when upon meeting and working with someone like me, he naturally fills that role. Gives me pieces of advice, most of them unsolicited (which is a positive for shy little me). Offers affirmation freely and without hesitation. Let's me think things through when he's showing me something, asking me key questions just to check that I've been paying attention and understand the nuances. People who can do that kind of thing naturally are just amazing to me. It's one thing to see a need for it, it's another to fill that need.

I grow more and more certain that I am where I'm supposed to be. I know God has always been telling me this, I just didn't listen. Even now, I probably still hold traces of doubt.

Another I-love-God-so-much-I-need-to-repent fest

BAH work...I thought I'd write this out while I have the chance.

I wish I could like tell them I'm busy because I'm writing my post for the day. Here's how the conversation would go:

Dave: Xaris, are you ready to come over?
Xaris: Wait, I'm working on something right now.
Dave: ...what is it?
Xaris: Oh, you know, my blog. I really need to get this done by COB today.
Dave:.....oh....

HAHA! Yes, that is how it will happen. I'm soooo professional. Here's my professional photo to prove it.


Anyway, I started getting a little bit...well a lot anxious this morning. And then with all this between Hebrews, Jonathan Edwards, the Five Points of Calvinism, Brothers Karamazov and repentance...I just started to do that thing you're supposed to do when you despair. I started thinking about how much God loves me and how He looks at me and is totally psyched that I'm in His family. I started thinking about how excited He must be to make not only the failures within me right, but the failures done to me, and the failures that affect my loved ones and enemies...make all that hot mess clean, pure, good. How the Second Coming really is going to be wonderful, and everything that is happening right now has something to do with that ultimate transition. That if Jesus died for my total grossness, He must've thought it was worth it. Well, if He thinks it's worth it, then I should respond in gratitude working through problems and embracing them with joy instead of working around or over them and/or closing my eyes bracing for the end of it. I still felt worried, but I started to think "Oh, this is what hope is." In a sense it doesn't matter what I feel, because once I start to obey, my heart follows my head.

I think many times I feel wrong, just wrong. And I can either take it on myself and think about all the ways I'm selfish, self-absorbed, in denial, evil, dark, destructive, depraved...or I can bring it to my High Priest who goes beyond the veil and sacrifices Himself for me. He is gracious, righteous, all-knowing, good, light, regenerative, redemptive...I put on that wedding dress and run down the aisle to Him.

"During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek." - Hebrews 5:7-10

I am extremely lucky

This is a picture I didn't get in time for yesterday. Look at how red my cheeks are! So rosy.

So I added a Label cloud (finally!) to the right. It's lots of fun. Funny how God and giggles are the things I write most about...kinda accurate no?

I won some pretty baller rush tickets for $25 each to the Met Opera on Saturday night! We got orchestra seats towards the middle! I have never been all the way down there! So exciting! The opera is Orfeo ed Euridice, which is great because I like mythical operas.

There's been some work drama going on. Things shift pretty quickly. I'm so grateful for where I'm at and what I get to do and learn. My boss is gone for the week (because his wife is having a baby! YAY!) so I'm supposed to fill in for him. So weird to realize how much I know now and how different that was 6 months ago. It's true ya'll, it doesn't matter what you majored in, everything that's important I've learned on the job. Like it doesn't matter what shape pot you are because they all get melted back down, it just matters what kind of clay you're made of.

I've been really amazed recently at how important certain things are to me. The way my money works, my spirituality and sense of the world, etc. I'm just hoping that I've remained teachable and that these things are held with an open hand.

I know it's way early, but so far 2009 has been an AWESOME year! This January has probably been one of the if not the best January's I've ever had in my life. There I said it. I will stand by my claim. Also, being Asian, I do pay attention to what year it is in the Chinese calendar and it's the year of the Ox. I was born in the year of the Ox...I subconsciously think this means I'll be lucky.

Affirmation and Humility

Can you believe it? I actually had real work to do all of yesterday! It was real important too! I even stayed later to finish it. Fun!

I realized the consultants I work with are words of affirmation kind of people. You can say they probably like to butter up clients, but the fact that they say that stuff to me as well shows that at least it is just something they naturally do well. I have this theory that love languages can be learned and developed, and I think words of affirmation is one of those things that I don't do as well. I don't think I ever did this very well at all, but I definitely think now, given my current life circumstances, I just suck at it. I don't do well receiving it either, not knowing what to do with that kind of lovin'; since most of the time I try to convince myself that it's not what I'm looking for. Yet of course, when someone affirms me, I get flustered because I realize how desperately I want it. I want to be recognized and told how smart, beautiful and accomplished I am.

Solution: Jesus. More practically, I think I need to learn how to do this for others. If not for the sake of God's love, at least career-wise it's a really good skill to have. For example, I may be not doing much work, but if I knew how to affirm people, I would be making a difference.

This is related to Laura's last few sentences in her post about the FOTOS ministry. The entire post itself was real good (props to Laura...hey! affirmation!), but the last few sentences struck me.

"Here's to helping hurting people, instead of ignoring or downplaying. Here's to humility instead of self-protection. Here's to shalom."

Shalom is freaking hard. I think in a lot of ways, graduating has forced me to create some pretty hefty boundaries, mainly to have some room to grow myself into this new life. But there's a balance there..and I fear edging into self-protection. I went from having a ultra-vulnerable community that encouraged openness to a yuppie life filled with fears of the unknown and the pressure to toughen up and figure it out. The contrast makes the vulnerabilities that I do have with people more sensitive, and they hurt more when I feel like I've been shut down. I'm not sure why, but I speculate it's because I've self protected so carefully and fearfully that I feel like I failed to protect myself when things go a bit wrong.

Or I blame God. I've asked God a lot why vulnerability has to hurt so much. As if to ask why must I be vulnerable? Isn't that weird for me to ask? Does that sound like Xaris at all? I'm used to being on the opposite end of things, being really good at being open but bad at closing up...well maybe that's not really changed at all. But we are called to be both guarding our hearts as well as humbling them to be in community with one another...shalom...That's just really hard. But I cling to hope...

"For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God" -1 John 3:20b-21

I'm just confused

Lynette Lewis, who spoke at the Saturday lunch at Pure, is not the type of woman I thought I'd really, really want to get to know. It's something awful that I do, especially being a business woman. Knowing how successful her credentials were, and how beautiful and made up she was, and the fact that her book is called "Climbing the Ladder in Stilletos". I was majorly, majorly judging. I was thinking, oh this woman is just one of those successful, type A, modern types living it up in NY, who's really shallow (yeah, like I'm so not shallow).

But then she talked about dreams running on all cylinders, and I just started sobbing. I've been getting this feeling recently like God has put me in a position where my dreams are on hold. Well, really I go back and forth. I go from one extreme that God is just withholding any fulfillment of any of my dreams...then I think wait, wait a second, am I that loser who never does anything with her life? Is it God telling me to wait, or is there a need for me to make a decision and be wise? It's so frustrating because I get to the point where I'm even forgetting my dreams..wait, why do I like business, why did I even go to business school, why am I in New York City? Why do I write so many posts on finance? Why do I hope for this world? The answer should be God, but the specifics are made up of dreams that God has given me. God did not put me in this world just to pine for His love, He put me here to change the world and spread His love around.

Brandi Carlisle has this song "Again Today". This is some of it.

"Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

I'm broken down,
not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused"

I think the problem with me is that I don't necessarily think I deserve to be where I'm at, employed, living in an amazing apartment, having loving friends and family. I think it's all by accident, like I just took the path of least resistance, and I'm just gonna keep on trucking that way. Things are never that simple though.

Thoughts for the day

I've sworn off of Google Reader for awhile. I think I'm just subscribed to waaay too much cynical, irreverent material. That stuff can really spoil my mind, though it is rather informative. Why is it for people to feel like they're being "real" they think it's all yucky and dirty? Can't I be real while being clean and joyful? Reality involves a lot of redemption and hope.

I've been thinking about how incredibly great timing it is that I'm in the workforce in this industry at this point in time. I'd be experiencing this so differently if I was still in school (ie more panic and personal anxiety). For all the talk of Wall St. and Main St., being a part of both worlds, I'm largely untouched and all there is is possibility. I'll remember this moment, this month, this period for the rest of my life. I only really wish I could invest some money (if you got anything, anything at all, do it!).

Meanwhilst, I started playing my DS at work because I got a new game (well, my 8 year old cousin got a duplicate game for her birthday so I quickly volunteered to be a beneficiary of the extra, it pays to be a girl in my family). As incredibly sad as that may sound, I see it as more like pushing the envelope. How much can I really get away with? I was already knitting yesterday (and that actually makes rhythmic sounds as the needles knock onto each other). I think it was last week when I found out how to play Lemmings online.

You may think, Xaris, what would happen if you put all that effort and creativity into your work? To which I say, Dude, I've tried! There's only so much a girl can do pursuing something that doesn't really mean much to her anyway! It's amazing that I care as much as I still do for this stupid project. I still ask questions, and I still learn things. But if they're content in not giving me anything real to do and still pay me every month, then that's fine by me. I'll just sit here quietly with my video game.

What Yelling the Truth at Yourself Accomplishes

"All The Trees Of The Field Will Clap Their Hands" - Sufjan Stevens
If I am alive this time next year Will I have arrived in time to share? Mine is about as good this far/ I'm still applied to what you are And I'm joining all my thoughts to you And I'm preparing every part for you/ I heard from the trees a great parade And I heard from the hills a band was made Will I be invited to the sound? Will I be a part of what you've made?/ And I am throwing all my thoughts away And I'm destroying every bet I've made And I am joining all my thoughts to you And I'm preparing every part for you

I've owned this song for a few years now (and have had it in my iPod all that time), and I honestly never really listened to what it was saying. It's weird that in conjunction with everything going on in the market (the loss of hope, the panic, the fear), is when I get to the head of the beast that I'm dealing with and oh like in a video game, the mega boss is harder than I thought and I'm using everything I have to throw at it. Well, I choose Hope damn it! I choose Love! I choose to be loved by God, to be taken, pruned, cherished by Him. To commit myself to Him.

"The energy you could spend on a life that reflects the sacredness and dignity of God gave to you is instead spent in chaotic, circular patterns that go nowhere." From a (free!) weekly newsletter I get from Committed To Freedom that Andrea is involved with. They're also the ones who give the seminars at Redeemer every year in July, which I've been to as well.

Reading Redeeming Love, it's interesting to see myself in both the prostitute and the farmer. I always remember what Justin Moffat had said about how interesting is it that Jesus always rebukes the strong and encourages the weak, and how we're both at the same time. People are just complicated.

"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming." - Helen Keller (also from Committed To Freedom)