I knew I was wrong

If you ever feel like you've got things handled, just read Mortification of Sin, and you'll quickly see the truth.

"Men that are sick and wounded under the power of lust make many applications for help; they cry to God when the perplexity of their thoughts overwhelms them, even to God do they cry, but are not delivered; in vain do they use many remedies, -- "they shall not be healed." So, Hos. 5:13, "Ephraim saw his sickness, and Judah his wound," and attempted sundry remedies: nothing will do until they come (verse 15) to "acknowledge their offence." Men may see their sickness and wounds, but yet, if they make not due applications, their cure will not be effected."

AND

"I think I need not say [mortification of sin] is not the dissimulation of a sin. When a man on some outward respects forsakes the practice of any sin, men perhaps may look on him as a changed man. God knows that to his former iniquity he hath added cursed hypocrisy, and is got in a safer path to hell than he was in before. He hath got another heart than he had, that is more cunning; not a new heart, that is more holy."

Well, crap. I simultaneously feel lazy with what I know I should do and busy with things that don't matter. It's truly amazing how it's showing me how truth is actually within me. As I read things, I know I knew it before. Almost as if I was waiting for him to write it out for me. But then once it's written out, BAM, oh right, I knew that. God's truth truly is sprinkled in the hearts of men (in Romans somewhere right?).

Sin is awful

I've been reading Mortification of Sin by John Owen. I think what's struck me the most so far is how he just really gets sin. He reminds you that there is absolutely nothing you can do for yourself and your salvation. How we are completely and utterly incapable of anything without Jesus. I think the farther I've gone on the road to sanctification, I always take more steps backwards when I stop thinking about how much I need Jesus and start thinking about the next "right thing" I've got to do. And that's just as bad as being one of the mockers, spitting at the Cross. Sin is deceitful like that.

Yet despair is of the same ilk. Indwelling sin may never leave us in this life, and despair and anger over this fact is made up of an insidious belief that you know better than God. Really, the same question should be asked at all times and to all saints at all points on the path to righteousness - Is Jesus your Lord and Savior?

I forget this all the time. I'm a real jerk when I'm doing the "right things," and really needy and emotionally unstable when I live in fear and sorrow. Yet I am continually redeemed.

"You are more flawed and lost than you ever dared believe, yet you can be more accepted and loved than you ever dared hope because Jesus lived and died in your place - Salvation is of the Lord."

Emo-ish Music

For several reasons, I guess certain areas of growth (and non-growth..womp,womp) have been coming to mind more frequently. The last few months I've been thinking about anxiety as a sin. Connected to that, despairing and fear as sin. Sin here being defined as walking away from God, since at any given moment, you are either walking towards or away from Him. Everyone floats somewhere, as Paige Brown said. All these thoughts and feelings of anxiety and despiar are expressed from a loss of belief in God's sovereignty and goodness. Of course it's a given that everyone feels these things, and living in denial of fear is even worse than actually acknowledging it, but I always try to go by the quote at the top of this blog and try to describe and define instead of just praise and dispraise. Anyway, moving on.

I've been anxious all my life and quite prone to despair. It lead to complex behavioral ways of coping, addiction being a main ingredient. But as I continually smack into the reality of God, the truth of His love and salvation has molded me into something a bit more like what I should be.

Music has played a major role in my understanding of this process. Being the deep feeler that I am, I like to listen to emotionally charged music.

Like Nicole Nordeman - "Anyway" :

"Every layer of mine hides a lovely design, it might take a little patience, it might take a little time, but you called me BEAUTIFUL, when you saw my shame. And you placed me on the wall, anyway."

I thought a lot about surrender my Freshman year, since it was clearly what I had to do. And I was finding the joy and healing in the pain of being utterly gross, but not held responsible for it.

Mute Math "Control":

"There's no better loss than to lose myself in you."
"Take control of the atmosphere, there is no reason I should breathe, unless you're in the air."

Then I started to realize that there's more to it than what it means for me. The beauty of justification and sanctification is it's more than just making me better, it's making me better for human flourishing for the Glory of God. But what does a loss of control really mean then if it's not just skydiving into an oblivion, but becoming Christ-like and engaging in the world? You can lose control in a lot of ways, and all equally destructive, but there's only one way that leads to life.

Everyone knows the ubiquitous Spiderman 2 theme song from Dashboard Confessional - "Vindicated"

"Slip away against the current."



Much like the Spiderman movie, true salvation is more than self-redemption but world redemption. Everything is not just going to be right with you, but also with this world that God has created; and we as the Church have something to do with that Kingdom work.



It's amazing how I listened to these songs so much a few years ago, to comfort my despairing heart. But it's getting easier to see the truth that I shouldn't even be worried at all. That there are so many reasons in Christ to be hopeful always.

Here's a quote from Brothers Karamazov. The "elder" is speaking to this woman filled with guilt and fear: "Don't be afraid of anything, ever. And do not grieve. As long as your repentance does not weaken, God will forgive everything. There is not - there cannot be - a sin on earth that God will not forgive the truly repentant. Why, a man cannot a sin so great as to exhaust the infinite love of God. How could there be a sin that would surpass the love of God? Think only of repentance, all the time, and drive away all fear. Have faith that God loves you, sinful as you are and, indeed, because of your sin. It was said long ago that there is more joy in heaven over one repentant sinner than over ten righteous men. Go now, and fear nothing. Do not be offended if people treat you badly. Do not hold it against them. And forgive your departed husband all the harm he did you. Become truly reconciled with him. For if you repent, you love, and if you love, you are with God. Love redeems and saves everything...Love is such an infinite treasure it can buy the whole world and can redeem not only your sins, but the sins of all people. So go and fear no more." FEAR NO MORE!

I've mentioned how much I love Brett Dennen - "Darlin' Do Not Fear"

"The confidence is full as your faith etched in stone
and neither could comfort you from the wild unknown
So bury your burning hatred like a hatchet in the snow
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know.
If you have a broken heart or a battered soul
Find something to hold on to or to let go
to help you through the hard nights like a flask filled with hope
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
'cause it won't last - your worries will pass" --> Damn, this whole song is quotable.

"I fear no evil, for you are with me. Strong to deliver, mighty to save." - Got this from a song too, but it's in the Psalms right?

Yet again, I think reading this post can make peopel think it's a hodge-podge. But really it's all about finding happiness, hope, love, and peace in the abounding grace of God. At the Redeemer interview I was reminded over and over about my name and what it means. And how it's what I should be giving to other people, Xaris (grace, that which gives joy), me becoming my true self in Jesus.

It would be overwhelming, if not for xaris being given to me. I've always wanted to do a post like this with a sprinkling of songs that have changed my life, and have grown me and shown me the truth in the Gospel. And it's always good to not hide from where you've been and to see the power and glory of God already shown in you.

"You've come far and though you're far from the end, you don't mind where you are 'cause you know where you've been." - Carbon Leaf - "Let Your Troubles Roll By"

Life is Vague

I'm gonna admit that it's been harder to figure out the lines between what I blog about and what I don't. There are times when I don't think I have enough energy to really address a tense issue that I'm wrestling with at the moment, even though it kind of encompasses my thoughts, rendering me unable to really write a post becuase in some weird way I feel like I'm lying or stretching. That's the thing about blogs, it's just a controlled presentation of self. Really, I just need to find one thing that I could write about forever, and suddenly I have a post.

I really didn't think about what I was getting into when I pledged to post everyday. I just thought, yeah, it would be a break from reading Google Reader and general input, and allow me to output. But even my penchant for Google Reader has changed. I actually don't compulsively check it anymore, and I have let the feeds languish up to the dreaded 1000+ articles. I actually don't read as much, period. Ben has a habit of sending me theological papers and documents and I haven't been reading it as immediately as I used to. He'll usually send me something and I would've read it and be ready to discuss it, when sometimes he didn't even read the whole thing.

It probably has something to do with my quiet times. It's odd but lately, I've been living this verse: "If you remain in me, and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you." (Forget the reference...I know, that sucks, I should know...A-pack was long time ago). I think I really have been abiding (different translation of remain) in Christ, and oddly enough I've been receiving many blessings that I wished for, and then much, much more. Like Ephesians 3:20 "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us". But the weird thing is, I acutely feel a sense of laziness within me about my quiet times. Like I'm not really getting anything out of it.

Ugh, I guess I just don't know how to handle myself when I feel unaware yet somehow aware of myself. It's like I really need to repent/rejoice, but I don't know how. Like I wish there was something I could cry about just to shake me into a complete surrender to Christ. I'm uncomfortable in the in-between, and afraid that God thinks I've grown enough to handle this vagueness and I'm just gonna have to trust that He's right (and He most assuredly is). BAH, this murky life is frustrating!

Another I-love-God-so-much-I-need-to-repent fest

BAH work...I thought I'd write this out while I have the chance.

I wish I could like tell them I'm busy because I'm writing my post for the day. Here's how the conversation would go:

Dave: Xaris, are you ready to come over?
Xaris: Wait, I'm working on something right now.
Dave: ...what is it?
Xaris: Oh, you know, my blog. I really need to get this done by COB today.
Dave:.....oh....

HAHA! Yes, that is how it will happen. I'm soooo professional. Here's my professional photo to prove it.


Anyway, I started getting a little bit...well a lot anxious this morning. And then with all this between Hebrews, Jonathan Edwards, the Five Points of Calvinism, Brothers Karamazov and repentance...I just started to do that thing you're supposed to do when you despair. I started thinking about how much God loves me and how He looks at me and is totally psyched that I'm in His family. I started thinking about how excited He must be to make not only the failures within me right, but the failures done to me, and the failures that affect my loved ones and enemies...make all that hot mess clean, pure, good. How the Second Coming really is going to be wonderful, and everything that is happening right now has something to do with that ultimate transition. That if Jesus died for my total grossness, He must've thought it was worth it. Well, if He thinks it's worth it, then I should respond in gratitude working through problems and embracing them with joy instead of working around or over them and/or closing my eyes bracing for the end of it. I still felt worried, but I started to think "Oh, this is what hope is." In a sense it doesn't matter what I feel, because once I start to obey, my heart follows my head.

I think many times I feel wrong, just wrong. And I can either take it on myself and think about all the ways I'm selfish, self-absorbed, in denial, evil, dark, destructive, depraved...or I can bring it to my High Priest who goes beyond the veil and sacrifices Himself for me. He is gracious, righteous, all-knowing, good, light, regenerative, redemptive...I put on that wedding dress and run down the aisle to Him.

"During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek." - Hebrews 5:7-10

On Friends and Happiness

First day back at work after a longer, less routine weekend is always really hard. Especially when I slept so weirdly. My brain/head is not liking me right now.

So I really can't believe I saw friends everyday this past weekend. In working life, it's really hard to have the energy and zeal I once was able to give to my friendships, most especially since I'm more of a one-on-one deep conversation type of gal. That's rough when you just want to let loose and have fun when you're not wearing a suit, or maybe you just want to wear jammies all day knitting at home. No more lunch dates, afternoon siestas, or late into the night sleepovers. It's one of those pieces of the transition that I definitely prepared myself for (made easier when the majority of the people I did these things with left the city before my Senior year). But it then makes me so grateful when I'm able to hang out with people in a big group, and I'm comfortable with everyone involved. It's such a blessing for an introvert with acute social anxiety to feel socially comfortable. I'm really impressed when plans end up actually happening, considering the city, individual schedules, individual temperaments toward planning (a majority of my friends are now Perceivers, in high school ALL my friends were Judgers....how did that happen?!?), and the emphasis on individuality in general.

We went to Amy Ruth's, this restaurant in Harlem known for their chicken and waffles (yes, together). Below is a picture that Sunday (Dan T's friend) took of us with his BBerry...I changed his life teaching him all about the Google apps he can use on it. Also, if you look at the picture slideshow, the first picture is of Ben and a fish in an aquarium at Red Lobster. It was sooooo cute because it came right up to us when we waved at it, then it looked directly at the camera when I took a picture. INSANE!

There was a lot to like about Obama's inaugural speech. But I think the thing I caught on to was what he said about needing to know ourselves before we could take on a challenge. Reminded me a lot of the need for repentance/rejoicing. I've had a lot of freak outs at this particular season in my life, but I find a lot of progress in the fact that I can actually think through it. I've been able to take a deep breath and actually take stock of where something is coming from or what am I actually reacting to. I would say, most of the time the answer lies in me not trusting Jesus. Not trusting that He is who He says He is. Obama talked about how Americans have the same creativity and productive force that it had last week, last month, last year. The Holy Trinity has been the same even before time began and forever and ever. And the Bible says I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So when I lose sight of Christ, so goes my self-assurance, my self-awareness, and my true self.

I meant to write about this last week, but it's been great to marinate over its themes on top of everything else that life has brought in the last few days. Like a tree drinking from the living water. A while ago, (I think like my Junior year), Ben told me about this sermon by Jonathan Edwards on Christian Happiness. He wrote it when he was like super young, as a teenager or something. I think I would say it has one of the most important messages a young, American Christian needs to hear. The thesis includes the three reasons why every Christian should be happy: "First, because no worldly evils can do him any real hurt; secondly, because of those advantages spiritual joys and satisfactions, he enjoys while here; and thirdly, more especially from the joyful hope and certain expectation, of the enjoyment of the perfection of happiness, eternally, hereafter." I don't think I can truly expound further, only because I haven't even finished it, but it's almost like, you don't have to if you're a Christian. You know this! If you love God, then you know God loved you first, you know nothing can truly hurt you, you know we can enjoy the most powerful and intimate relationship any human being can have in this world, you know that absolutely EVERYTHING will be perfect and MEANINGFUL in the end (from that toe nail that doesn't look right, to that friendship that devastated and failed you).

It's funny reading through it because it's like Edwards is just brimming with glee, talking about happiness. He just keeps going on and on about it. It leaves me feeling the conviction of not thinking about it all the time and giving into despair, at the same time empowering me to be the child of God I don't deserve to be, but through His sacrifice, truly am.

Habit and Routine

As I was going about my morning, I had this odd sensation. Even though I was coming off of a weekend (an unusual weekend at that), I didn't feel this huge burden of remorse and dread that it was 6am and the sun had not risen, or that the water changed temperature a third time while I was in the shower, or that I needed to go to work on what is generally considered a holiday. I wasn't like, completely thrilled about it, but there's this sense of safety and comfort in a routine. It's like in science, we don't really know anything for sure, but the fact that something has been done thousands of times and the same result has happened makes us feel a little more sure of something. There's just something about the predictability of the process that starts with me waking up and somehow ending up sitting at my desk.

The whole thing is riddled with decisions too. Decisions that I made a long time ago, that aren't necessarily the most efficient way of doing things. When I was younger, I used to wonder whether I was really taught how to soap myself properly, whether I was completely wrong and completely disadvantaged because I was taught our maids instead of my parents. Was there an American way of doing things that I was completely missing? Of course, who the f cares about that stuff now, but I think it's pretty amazing that a decision I made years ago about how to do any of things I do to get ready in the morning could still be in effect now. It's really amazing how habits form and from then on are completely automatic. Like, I never really think about why I use Head and Shoulders, then a current shampoo, then a conditioner. But if I think back, I remember it was because I had really awful, unhealthy hair when I used to color it and had some bad flaking going on.

And so it goes spiritually speaking. I was really pleased (I'm sorry, that just seems like the right word for it) that Tim Keller preached on repentance yesterday. I think the most striking statement he made was that we have no more reasons to screw up. There are no more reasons to fear and be anxious because of God's love, and there are no more reasons to be proud and arrogant because of knowing who you really are, thus no reasons to break God's heart. He just made it sound so freeing and easy. Way too often, I think about Christian living as a religion, as obligations, as duty but really it's the freedom to be good, nice, MYSELF without insecurity and/or hubris. Christian living is automatic and self-renewing.

Life is Repentance (Rejoicing)

I was thinking recently about how grateful I am for my job(!). Yes, it caught me by surprise as well. If I really sit down and think about it, I am grateful for how clear it is to me that I need to be here (though God chooses to hide the exact reasons). I've learned a lot about depending on Christ. I've learned a lot about myself.

Actually, I really remember this whole, newly profound level of dependence on Christ idea hitting me around August/September 2007. I remember talking to Megan S on the phone during a long, routine walk home (when we still lived in the 23rd St apartment). I had my concentration set on this whole transition from college to not-in-school. I was asking her about how she managed to create community for herself in Christ Church while maintaining Navs in her life, because I was attending and trying to do the same at Astoria Community Church. We were talking about the lack of community in general, and how the loss of Navs the way we knew it is a way to figure out how powerful communion with the Holy Spirit can be...something to that effect. Really though, I felt like shit about the whole idea and how it was going to be and how hard it was to get used to. How to get used to a life change.

And since that time (about a year ago), boy have there been some dramatic changes in my life. From the very obvious to the very subtle. And it's weird to realize that throughout it all, all I was trying to figure out was this basic idea of repentance. Of course, like most of you, I thought, heck ya I know what that is, I'm a Christian. I can point to things and say, see I have repented, look at how much my life has changed! Look at how much God has empowered me to do the things I've done. See, God is definitely in communion with me and definitely in my life.

Andrea had handed me this Redeemer study titled "How the Gospel Changes You" around end of July. It was all about idols and repentance, and I thought, alright, alright, let me just read through this. It ended up being a major theme in my thoughts, prayers, and the way I related to people.

The thing is, alright, I understand the need to bow before God, understand who He really is and understand who I'm really not. Think of the magnitude of my full out rebellion against the God of the universe. No excuses, that was a choice I full out made. And then applying the idea that the triune God loved me enough to die for me, to chase after me, to tear His life apart and put it back together with me in it. This should in turn make us rejoice. Sing Amazing Grace, and shout hallelujah. (This part however rarely happens to me) But the thing I missed almost completely, that I don't think I ever thought about until I read the Redeemer study, was the need to PRAISE God. How it is physically, mentally, emotionally, soulfully impossible to rejoice, without giving praise to the One who makes it possible. We were meant to praise God, therefore if we do not do it, we cannot claim the gift we are meant to receive. It's as if I walked around saying, yes I'm Toti's (my father's) daughter, but never even gave him a call, never talked to him for years. I may always be Toti's daughter, that never changes, but there's that difference between a legal relationship and a personal relationship. I may always be his daughter, but do I love him? It's the same with the Father.

So in applying all that, I try to praise God everyday, and hopefully someday I can praise God all the time. Not that I'm great at it mind you, but I try. Even if it's a dry "God you are awesome." The exercise is good for my soul. "However important [growing my character] may be, this process of repentance trains us in habits of the soul that are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God." (from a 1 John Redeemer study). As Tim Keller says about relationships "Love is an action first, a feeling second." How could we expect any more from ourselves in our relationship with God? If loving God and being in a relationship with Him means forcing myself to sing a hymn, say a prayer, or read out stale sounding words, I'm going to freaking do it because it was what I was made to do. Like with most things, the focus isn't on receiving or even giving with excellence (that's covered by God in His covenant with us), really the focus is who you're giving to. That's what eros is, and that's the metaphor God likes to use with Christ as the groom and the Church as the bride.

Whew, that was a lot. But really it's been churning in my head for such a long time, it's the culmination of a lot of material read, sermons heard, conversations had, and feelings felt.

Btw, I think swearing off Google Reader is actually helping in a way I didn't fully expect. My life is really a lot less negative on a regular basis. Of course the negativity isn't Google Reader's fault per se, I just don't know how to subscribe to the less biased things without hearing about news no one else pays attention to. It's the blogging culture of the internet I suppose. Kind of how people rely on most of their news from late night TV which makes fun of everything, only on a grander scale. Also, I'd read Google Reader for most of my day which is more than the Bible, more than any other reading material. I think I just have to limit it to like an hour a day or something.

REJOICE!