My First Bloxham Family Vacation

I'm gonna make an effort and write a few key things about the trip. I'm having issues with the Facebook uploader thing, so hopefully Picasa won't let me down, the slideshow is below!

-I had never been to Hawaii before. Being an island girl myself, I was excited to see a new one. It was weird having coconut trees in the backyard of the house and something we call calachuchi trees in the front yard of someone else's house in the same way it was back in the Philippines. There was also some sleeping grass, which we got video of in action (it closes up when you touch it). There were also a lot of hibiscus bushes around which we call gumamela, the flowers of which you can make bubbles from (that's right, bubbles). There were also these little lizards that used to scare the hell out of me when we lived in the projects, except these ones wouldn't make this ominous clicking sound. It was just so weirdly nostalgic having all that familiar flora and fauna. I didn't expect to be so taken by the smells and sights of it.

-Coming into a new family that's very different than mine is awkward and it will continue to be. BUT this was a lot like a retreat in that the more time you spend with people, the more you just get to know them. I found my eclectic tastes to be of service in connecting with each person. I felt very grateful to be welcomed into the Bloxham family.

-I am back to my normal color. As in I haven't been this tan since...since probably when I was 9 years old before moving to America. I have no idea how long it will take to wear off, but I'm sure gonna enjoy it while it lasts.

-I finally felt comfortable in the ocean again. I think in NY it was really hard to feel safe in the ocean because of the rockiness and the huge waves, but the Pacific is just awesomely familiar and warm, even with the scary waves. Being exposed to it so many times helped me reunite with it.

-It was nice to feel like I was ready to go home by the end of it. Sign of a good vacation is that you love it, but you're also itching to leave by the end.

-I just generally do very well in tropical heat.

-I unexpectedly got to watch "Wanted" finally. And it oddly made me think of work and how useless I feel at work. Not that I want to be an assassin or anything, but I was comforted by the fact that I'm not alone in this feeling, even if it was such a juvenile (but enjoyable!) movie.

-I skyped with my parents while we were there and got to show them around the house. They even said hello to Ben's parents!



SIDE NOTE: We won the lottery and saw Shrek before we left! It was super cute. Check the soundtrack to the right.

Redeemer Winter Getaway 2009

This is a picture of the little chapel in Trinity Lodge. We didn't use it since it was much too small, but it was really cool.I gotta say, though Navigator retreats were great/fun/sometimes life-changing, I think adult retreats are a lot more conducive to my preferences. First of all, everyone wears their sturdy name tags that have the schedule on the back of it. The schedule is then attached to my body and I don't really have to bring my BPN/papers around with me to know where I'm supposed to be. Not to mention how much easier it is to meet people without re-asking their name every hour.

Then, there's the maturity of everyone involved. This impacts several things. The announcements aren't really redundant (unless absolutely important) because everyone listened and heard it the first the time. Everyone is clean/showered, at least there are no funny smells. Most people come prepared. Everyone wakes up and eats breakfast, because no one was really up that late. Everyone wants to really know what you do and/or want to do with your life and vice versa (also related to remembering names). People can slip away from the group if they want to and aren't pressured to do anything with their free time. I feel like the fact that there was free coffee/tea/hot chocolate plus snackies for 24/7 would have left a constant mess in the eating area...but that was not true. I think the messiest it was, was when they had a big bowl of popcorn and some s'mores ingredients, which was a bit unruly.

Besides that, it was awesome getting personal with David Bisgrove. We actually watched a little bit of West Side Story with him and his wife...also when we broke up in groups to pray, he was in our group...it was cool praying with our pastor in such a candid way. Also, I don't think I ever heard his full story before. CFO is this mysterious title to me, though I know and work with many of them. Seems like an interesting thing to shoot for, being CFO.

It was also cool, that while we were probably some of the youngest there, that everyone was basically in a similar life stage. Being a bit more grounded in who they are, but still figuring out what to do with their lives. There are options galore from going to grad school, changing jobs, moving, getting married etc. But most people had obviously figured out 1) To like themselves (You are loved) 2) That it wasn't all about them (You are called). The older I get, the more I realize that there is a wide gap between people who understand both these things and people who can't do both (maybe only knowing one or the other, or even none at all), spiritually and how they socially relate to people. Think about it, it's awkward when you talk to someone with so much anxiety about themselves, and downright boring to talk to someone who thinks the world revolves around them. Not that I'm all good with it, there are degrees of wisdom after all, but you know what I mean. I've also come to realize that you get to a certain point and when you're at peace with 1 and 2 then you see how silly you were because there are deeper things, more complicated things to deal with than just what's within yourself. I played Taboo with these people the first night and it was cool to instantly feel like I was part of something. I guess it's just great to find a large group of people being real with you, while at the same time being chill and non-explosive. There is a sense of being rooted where you are, and being open to what comes.

Just to keep it real myself, I should mention that I was also really exhausted by the constant chatter and people going on around me. I never realized this one piece of how different my life really is now than it was in college. Even during my Senior year, Nav Nite would get to be really taxing. My introvertedness has really been nourished by my cubicle life and not having to constantly deal with groups of people. There came a point when I just wanted to turn off, because there was no more Xaris left. If I didn't get to have a quiet, serene snow hike along the river, I would've retreated to my room all day. Needless to say this is awkward for Ben, who notices it the most.

The message was all about hope and evangelism. It reminded me of the Jonathan Edwards sermon on Christian Happiness. The talks were solid and he brought in a lot of the good Bisgrove metaphors. There was a lot of quality intercessory prayer and joyful worship, both of which I've had felt needs for.

AND it was only 2 hours away at Trinity Lodge and very quaint with lots of fireplaces...and I believe this was the first time everyone met at my place instead of having me leave and pick them up elsewhere, thus bypassing much traffic. I'm soooooo grateful because this has affirmed the logical thought I've had for the 2.5 years I've lived in Astoria that it's much faster to leave from my place. So this was yet another adult retreat I was pleasantly surprised with and clearly grateful for.

Btw, I finally got a Redeemer membership interview. Should be fun!

Processing the First Big Girl Vacation

Being that I only go home once a year, it always amazes me how different each visit has been since it wasn't "home" anymore and where it leaves me. Home has been ever-changing...and it makes me wonder if it was always like that when I lived there, or was my leaving some sort of catalyst and home was finding it's identity as I was in college. Empty nesters can be quite radical in their changes. I'd like to think the changes my parents have been making have largely been for the better (as it is for me). Some people don't want home to change (I think this is largely my brother's position), but for me, I think I like change. Especially when it's in a place where so much of my former self was not who I was supposed to be. My bedroom being nowhere near it's former state, the boxes in the garage dwindling to 1 box, it all somehow helps me to grow. The only thing that's important and good is still there, family.

Also, because I never really leave NY, I rarely get asked this question anymore, but I heard it twice this vacation. It's some variation or other of "So you like NY?" or "Do you think you'll live there permanently?" You can almost hear the veiled wonder and/or disgust. I told my mom I like NY because it forces me to deal with people, and what's so infuriating about cities like LA is that it's not like a city at all. It's a flat landscape of boxes. House boxes and car boxes that keep people from bumping into each other (yes, like what the Crash movie is all about). NY forces me to deal with people that are very different than me...yes, of course, you can avoid it, but not for very long, not like in the suburbs where you can really avoid it forever. No, I don't think I'll necessarily live here permanently, but there's gotta be a good reason for me to leave.

Something else that's interesting is I always go home around year-end. So together with all the things you gotta do anyway when you get back from a long vacation: getting groceries, unpacking/doing laundry, re-setting the unplugged alarm clock, take stock of what the roommates have moved around, mail/bills etc. there's all these other little things I do like renewing my budget for the year, putting together tax paper work, making sure my benefits are in effect, calendar transfer etc. It's like an extra point of rejuvination, not only did I Sabbath like whoa, but I also get to restart everything I do.

And this new year has been different than any other, because it really does feel like a NEW YEAR. Before, I always thought new year felt like a cheat being in the middle of the school year which really took over how I looked at a year. But 2009 is a whole year unto itself! No more thinking about 2009-2010 kind of years. And even weirder, I have little clue as to what will happen this year. There are a couple things planned here and there, but there are few markers to grasp a hold of and say "Yes, that is now over and I am moving on to the next thing"...except the next New Year.



After all that, here's a picture of my Boris. Even he had somewhat changed and matured.


That's my baby!

Vacation Observations

So I thought I would pause to say how amazed I am that I didn't experience any amount of withdrawal from the normal activities of my life. Things that used to take about hours of my time i.e. this blog, Google Reader, emails, my Budgeteering. It's odd how things just fall off.

But now, I've actually had a breather to do exactly what I want (being that it's just me and my parents and my dog here in Arizona...guess who gets to do whatever she wants?). So I've taken more than a glimpse of the list of unread emails and the blogs that have posted, and the news that continues to happen in the world...So weird, the world really just doesn't stop, and I actually felt a bit overwhelmed, like I'm missing something or I'm neglecting to do something I would've normally done immediately. Imagine if I feel like this now, how more overwhelmed I'd be if my job was more stressful or dependent on me...plus any other obligations I may have in the future, like more bills, worrying about children and whatnot.

So this is just a short post declaring I need to not freak out if there are 100 unread emails in my Inbox...if you were a real friend, you'd know how to contact me I figure. (Hey, if Summer can call me from Germany, you can too) I think ever since work has consisted of being at a computer all day, not needing that as a crutch has been freeing. And I need to not be overwhelmed by the thought of dealing with everything when I return because I'm not really at a point where I couldn't handle it all within a few hours (which I've totally got at work). I'm freaking not missing anything, I'M ON VACATION!

That being said, I got a BlackBerry (not for Christmas though, just bought the Series 8800 on Ebay for $100, woohoo!), and now have internet wherever. Hopefully this does not become a Crackberry...I would very much not want that to happen. Let's keep Xaris accountable shall we?

Btw, would like to point out that I've gotten a lot of what I wanted from this Christmas season: black boots, BlackBerry and data plan, puppy (aka Nintendogs from Ben, really like the best gift for me, ever), Ouendan AND Elite Beat Agents (via my brother), Guitar Hero, mani/pedi, chocolate (lots and lots of it), Mexican food, Filipino food (lots and lots of it), family time, Bobo time (my dog), Ben time, driving, sleep, Jesus (though probably not as much as I should be getting). That's a lot...and it's only about half over! Good golly, all vacations should be like this!

Longing for Home

Everyday has felt like a Friday this week. I think I just want it to be over because I'm going home next week. Oddly enough, there have been some solid work things that have broken up my days recently. It makes time fly by a lot faster.

I'm really looking forward to going home. It's been a whole year, and even I start missing the home I left. I miss chocolate milk, Mexican food, mild weather, and basically getting whatever I want. And any movie of significance in the past decade or so belongs to my father, I like taking my pick. I also miss my dog, even though we've really grown apart and he's the biggest brat ever!! I miss driving without fear or parallel parking. I miss my father and brother's jokes and the faces my mom makes. I miss not taking my wallet out.

I don't know how they talked me into being the very middle of this picture...I hate that...but it's impressive that even Boris (my dog) was looking at the camera that was on a timer.

Leaving home was probably THE best thing for my growth. And I don't necessarily regret not being able to go home more than once a year (and then for less than a week). But absence makes the heart grow fonder, so these visits are more precious to me than it would've been if I had gone home every summer. There are good and bad things in every home, but right now I'm probably just feeling a lot of the good.

Pure

I realized I didn't really think about the conference much before I had gone. It was just this block of time that I had set apart, and I was content in not knowing of what I would want to happen in that time. It's freeing to be able to approach events like this, no details, no plans, especially when the event delivers.

So I guess that's really what I learned and enjoyed at Pure - freedom. I was free to laugh, cry, talk, sing, dance, jump, knit, and sometimes shout with unusual abandon. I was free to sound foolish, and free to offer wisdom. Free to be alone, free to be surrounded (like literally) by my sisters. Free to be young, free to be old. Free to love, and free to voice hate so as to repent.

Paige Brown had an illustration of a water bottle knocking over and everything spilling on the floor. Why's the water on the floor? Because there was water in the bottle. There are situations in life that cause the bottle to knock over, but whatever ends up on the floor is because it was in the bottle to begin with. Obviously this is a broadly used idea, but the visual of the water all over the floor is compelling to me. So I guess, I felt free and safe enough at Pure to knock the bottle over myself to see, show and discuss what comes out. Seeing that for others as well, some women who I would never have thought I would even totally relate to, was so encouraging.

Maybe this sounds really intense, like counseling, but it wasn't counseling. It was just fellowship. No one was there to fix one another, we were there for the Lord. And it wasn't intense in that stressful way when you're feeling really broken, it was peaceful, calm, rest in the Lord. It helped that all the ladies weren't freaking out and buckling down under the weight of their own sin, they were offering it to God and asking why? Struggling with God instead of themselves.

At so many points, I just felt soooooo loved by God, that I couldn't believe how stupid I was and am and probably will be in not trusting His wisdom, strength, and worthiness. It's been awhile since I've felt so completely vindicated and redeemed. (Another Paige Brown-ism) Looked at the cross and said Am I that bad? YES! Am I that loved? YES!

My life in school had so many seasonal weekends away from the city between all the leadership retreats and Nav retreats. And I think I had forgotten how one weekend can do the work of several months in the Spirit. How Penn State 2004 had set the course for a changed life for me and that was only 3 days, no extended weekend needed. Out of any other retreat I've gone to, I remember the most details from this one, even now. I can't even remember what I did for free time last year in Vermont, but I remember the songs we sang and where I sat for worship at Penn State. I remember I slept in this heavenly, soft bed (probably the best bed I've ever slept in) next to Stephanie D. I remember Dan Brown throwing a pile of leaves on my car (with the windows open) and subsequently losing his wallet, and finding it in the dark later. From then on, my car has always had fall leaves somewhere in it at whatever time of year. I remember Nicole T talking about wanting to be the prince on the white horse and marveling at the thought that some women didn't want men to open the door for them (wtf?). I remember reading Revelations (for Con West) while people were almost dying in caves somewhere. I remember Mike Chen and Tyler being amazed at my mad skillz at lying to them. I remember that the alum and random older people outnumbered the freshmen.

Work, really?

The water main broke in my building yesterday, so I got to go home super early. Well, I didn't go home right then, I went and treated myself to a planned mani/pedi/threading for my birthday, then met up with Edward and 5 other Catholic seminarians and his friend (also a male) for lunch. It wasn't as weird as one would think. Then, I went home. It costs me a half day from my PTO (which is really all the lee way I have because I'm saving them all for Christmas), but in the long run, this was probably one of the more awesome weekdays I've had since work started.

They've been throwing random substantial bits of work at me (substantial being an extremely subjective word, for me meaning requires some thinking and resourcefulness). I call them bits because they're that small. I try to let my insightfulness and intelligence shine through..but it's hard when I only got a paragraph to write. And then there's times like now when I just don't feel like working. I never realized how much easier it is to slack off, once you've figured out all the fun/productive(personal wise) ways time at work can be spent.

For example, I just realized that I never updated my car insurance on the fact that I'm not in school anymore. Probably will save me much moola. Cause everyone knows how delinquent full-time students are (as I exemplified I realized, recalling all my moving violations or a quote lookup).

Anyway, there's been lots of talk directed toward me about how I'm going to start having work to do...promises, promises. I just hope if it does actually start happening, I won't look like such a boob having just languished all this time. It would be like coming out of some bad, long vacation.

It reminds me of when I got a 5 month long summer because we moved from the Philippines that year (their summer break starts in late March and ends in May). Not only did I have to go back to school after doing nothing all that time, but it was a totally different school than I'd ever known. I remember my father hanging about, watching me go inline with the other 4th graders, and making signs at me (referring to an inside joke). I never really understood why he was doing that until I got older. He was just as anxious as me about the whole trans-cultural adaptation ordeal. I love my papa.

Thinking Ahead

On a funner note, I think I'm able to get Thanksgiving weekend off! Hooray! But in efforts to save money, I probably can't fly home, or anywhere else for that matter. So, is anyone going to a drive-able to Thanksgiving place this year who I can come with? I just want to get out of the city. Obviously, this would mean I could drive you.

Friday and Sanctification

Man, how a day does drag on so. So much so that I'm writing in my blog without any real sense of purpose. I hate how this feels, I hate being wasted (and I don't mean that in an alcohol sense).

I put up some pictures at my desk today, and I think that stuff really does make a difference. I also have this calendar that I'm highlighting blue for everyday that passes and green for any vacations I've planned. It's depressing to think that it is really most of what I think about. Someone was telling me how kinda awful it is for someone to have all their hopes and joys into a fabulous vacation that last for a short period of time versus being in the arms of Jesus for all of eternity...I guess sometimes a vacation is all I can grasp at, it's all I can hope for. It's a numbing mechanism in my brain that has turned way on recently. Sometimes it's not even that far off in the future, it's just what I'm going to be doing tonight and with whom and for what purpose.

I think after processing the themes in my first blog posting below, my heart, my body, my mind just gets exhausted. That place where you experience the realization of your extreme sinfulness (in a sense that not only do I sin, but I am a sinner) and the powerful holiness and grace of God. That's exhausting...it's exhausting crying about it with overwhelming tears. But it's so much at the heart of reality that it's difficult controlling my emotions even just typing this in at work! I think if you spend enough time with me nowadays and I allow myself enough room for grace, I just come to that place and break down. Wow, no wonder I've been numbing my mind to dull my soul.

So my counselor gave me this illustration that we come down to the valley to realize the depth of our sinfulness so that we go up the mountain, receiving the grace that brings us joy and peace and a relationship with Jesus, a person. Of course! Basics of Christianity right?...I guess I have fears that I haven't really reached the bottom of the valley, and in order to reach it, there needs to be a lot of prayer, and to pray is to change. Instead of going there, I think this past week I've started to prefer to just pretend that the valley is great, that the valley is just fine for now. But there's this weird tension of the Christian life. There's this call to do that, to wrestle with God, but there's also the whole waiting for the Spirit to move...it's going to take time. It's not like by the next time I post I'm going to say, YAY, I'm no longer a sinner and I'm completely sanctified. NO! I am justified, yet being sanctified, and none of it is because I love God, but because He loves me. So just because this takes awhile, it doesn't mean I do nothing and ignore my helpless state, and just because I'm a sinner in great need to be sanctified, doesn't mean it's going to happen in my time. It's not magical, it's supernatural.