Tests, Suffering and Living a Good Life

I find reminders of how long we've been trying to be sort of funny. It's like a a weird time hop type of experience. I noticed this week that the cheap pack of 50 pregnancy testing strips I bought through Amazon expires this month. It's weird to think as we were starting out last year I thought, "Are these too many? What if I end up not using it all? What if I get pregnant this month?" and so on. I now think about taking a pregnancy test daily just to use up as much as possible. I was no where near using even half of these, given how little I ended up ovulating last year.

I truly don't think of this in sadness, but just in a funny/joke sort of way. There aren't enough jokes about this experience. I guess this type of thing could rub people the wrong way, but if I can't laugh at myself I figure I'd make for a terribly serious mother.

I recently listened to a Tim Keller sermon on Christian Happiness (Romans 8:28-30). I mean he basically takes Jonathan Edwards's sermon (which he wrote when he was 18 years old ya'll!) and sends it to our modern ears. There is so much material in it, that I only mention it here so others could seek it out. The TK sermon was free in the Redeemer app, and the JE sermon is Googleable. More relevant though, it applies to my current thoughts of how we expect life to go. This Romans passage does not promise that bad things in your life will lead to a better life circumstance. It's not necessarily like, my struggles with conceiving now will mean I will all the more have a sweet pregnancy later or that my children will be perfect (ha!). This, in fact, is not the promise of the Christian life at all. There's a possibility I will never be pregnant, maybe even never have children. In fact, the passage is not about us. It says that bad things in our life will make us like Jesus, and ultimately (in totality) we gain a good life. Good life does not equal good life circumstances. Often, I find, the opposite is true, especially in my life. Christ did not suffer so we would not suffer, but so our suffering will make us like Him. Suffering is not pointless, but a means to be unified with Christ. And there is nothing we can do to stop it as Christians loved by God. The more I can contemplate this, the more true joy I can have, this moment, right now, no matter what.

Where we are in the process:
My Reproductive OB/GYN is on maternity leave. I haven't thought about this too much, since it seemed like just such a fact. But that is kind of ironic isn't it? She's not taking too much time off though (only 8 weeks poor lady doctor :( ), and will be back in February.

Before she left, she had me do this type of glucose test, which I actually haven't done since the summer after my Freshman year in college, when I was first diagnosed with PCOS. It showed that even with the medication I take to control such things, my insulin resistance is still rather high. And this could definitely be affecting how I even respond to the Clomid and Letrozole. So we had a chat and she told me I needed to lose 20 lbs or so and then we could reconsider trying the ovulation induction (taking meds) again. I'm seeing her again in late February to see how far down the road I'd gotten. This was a bit of a relief actually, because prior to this convo we were starting to talk about considering IVF. Planner that I was, I was already starting to weigh the financials and what my spiritual discernment was on the ethics.

Weight loss journey:
I had already lost 15 lbs since I started exercising and going to Weight Watchers in July. So now I've joined a gym to try to up my game exercise wise. Let me give you some perspective on my decade long weight loss journey. I was my heaviest when entering college. Then when I was diagnosed with PCOS, I started medication and seeing a nutritionist and I lost 50lbs...almost like without trying. And since the end of my Junior year, I've been gaining a little bit of the weight back at a time. I was about 10 lbs up at my wedding from that low. Marriage added another 5 lbs to that. Then LA living basically added 15 more. So I'm essentially, trying to get back down to that 50 lbs weight loss low, which btw, is still not my ideal weight BMI wise. Weight Watchers has really been helpful in this arena. The weekly group meetings is probably the cheapest group therapy available (aside from Veterans I suppose). There are people there who lost 75 lbs, and there are people who are just starting and taking baby steps. It seems silly while I'm there, but it's actually helpful.

Membership and Gospel Coalition

I did my Redeemer vows at the 10:30am service last Sunday. I do feel rather weird coming into the realization that I'm actually a member of Redeemer. This is mainly weird considering, I've technically been a member since February when they approved me. And it's not like my commitment to the church changes, or that I'd be serving and seeking fellowship there any differently (except maybe I can help out at the communion now and pursue becoming a deaconess!). But I guess there is something about standing there and having all those thousands of people witness you take a vow. Even if all you're saying is "Yes." People are witnessing what you're doing. And it's not like random people, it's people you've created community with too. Many thanks to Brittany B, Chens, Susan N, Allison B, Dan T, Kyo for being part of that witness and sharing your fellowship with us! [Edit: OMG, and Lauren H, AAAHHH, I'm so sorry, this totally doesn't mean I didn't appreciate you being there!!!...awkward]

I just listened to Tim Keller's talk at The Gospel Coalition Conference in Chicago. It's great to hear a talk from him to people he knows are Christians. When he does his sermons at Redeemer, they tend to need to be watered down a bit, because you never really know what kind of people are coming in through the door. That's the great thing about his sermons of course, that they reach all levels of belief, but it's a double-edged sword. It's nice to hear him throw it down and call out people on their idols, a little more like John Owen, though for our time and our culture. Anyway, I urge everyone to check it out!

It was cool to watch the live webcast and think, "Hey, that's my pastor" and "Whoa, I'm in Jersey City, they're in Chicago and this is all happening right now! Sweet!"

Because I probably won't blog on Easter

I went to the Redeemer "Resurrection: So You May Believe" class taught by Marty Young. It was really, really educational and spiritual. I've decided (I also took his "Becoming Wise" class) that I do like Marty a lot as a teacher. He may go on tangents often and is at the whim of the questions people throw at him (which annoys someone like me who likes planned things and people following through with the plan as planned), but even in that, he really does his job in satisfying questions, though the answers lead you to a more unsettling and complex place than you originally thought.

Someone asked the question that if Mary Magdalene saw all these angels rolling stones over, telling her that "He is risen!" and still didn't believe, how is that even possible? One would think if people just saw angels and God clearly just spoke to them about what they're supposed to do, then, THEN they'll know what to do. But Marty made an even deeper point than just the idea of supernatural things. In all this commotion when Jesus was not found in the tomb, and in all the accounts of the Resurrection, no one sees Jesus unless a) they believe or b) He reveals Himself, and further that Jesus prefers to reveal Himself through Scripture.

In one account, Jesus walks down the road with some dejected disciples, only they don't recognize Him. Jesus chastizes them with Scripture "He said to them, 'How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken! Did not the Christ have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?' And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself" (Luke 24:25-27). Finally, Jesus breaks bread with them and then disappears, and the disciples see Him as Jesus. Dude, these guys were JEWISH, they knew what the prophets said and were waiting for the Messaiah, and they STILL had a hard time believing.

I just thought the implications of all that was HUGE! You don't see Jesus unless you already believe or He reveals Himself to you, THAT'S IT! And it's still true in the world today. So many people still think Jesus was just a great teacher, and not the actual Christ who not only died but is risen and at the right hand of God the Father Almighty. Scripture is meaningless to those who cannot see. And we are so dependent on Scripture as the basis of our faith, our life, our religion. Marty pointed out, even the demons have seen angels, but are not saved, because they do not put their faith in Jesus.

If you really think about it, what an awesome opportunity for us that have come after. We have this book the Bible, that's all compiled already with all the Gospels. Even in that, what a gracious blessing!

Did lots of listening today

I just heard about Yale's free courses online. I think ever since I've left school, I've been looking for ways to learn about things in a structured format. The problem is, I'm really not self-motivated enough. I really need to sit down and figured out a plan and stick it into my calendar or something. I think my sense of doing things is largely influenced by what people tell me I can or cannot do. Big surprise right? Unforunately, when no one tells me what to do, I don't do anything.

So apparently, Redeemer has a free sermon up every month at their sermon store. I listened to this month's and it's basically the Tim Keller "Core Lies" sermon. "The essence of sin is a lie." "First step of sin is not disobedience, it's the resentment of obedience." My favorite is his explanation of why the doctrine of Original Sin is a good thing because "We can hate evil without hating ourselves." It does not mitigate our greatness nor our evil. Anyway, good stuff!

Random Friday

Ben and I are gonna do the Voices of Redeemer choir this weekend. Singing for this is always fun! You get to sit on stage and hear the sermon from behind Tim Keller.

Whenever I stop and think about it, it's so weird to me how used to my life I am. I am sincerely a creature of habit, and once a habit is there, I pretty much run on autopilot. Like code being added to a program. I think that's why when someone suddenly wants to engage with me during the day, I kinda need to take a second and respond. I'm not a robot, but I sure act like one for most of my waking life.

John was warning Dave (who is currently seriously dating this girl) not to propose to her on Valentine's Day because the ring would constitute as a gift and if they ever fell through she has a legal right not to give it back. Also, John says there is a legal precedent of a ruling that said a proposal made and agreed on anything but a holiday or birthday is a legal contract which means if the contract is broken then the girl would have a legal obligation to give the ring back (John is a bit of a nerd, told you he was smart)...Needless to say, I'm never taking any advice of this kind from these men.


I've built up quite a history on Mint.com. And this is showing all the restaurants I've been to in the last 6 months....wow...I can't even read it. And these are only the one's I used a credit card, the cash transactions aren't represented.

Tim Keller has an AMAZING extra sermon he gave on work for the Center for Faith and Work Open House deal. I wasn't able to go because I was at the retreat, but because I knew an insider (aka Sonja) I was able to ask for a recording. It's on the front page of the Center for Faith and Work website FOR FREE! If you work, you wanna hear this.