Sometimes I think God just jazzes life up to keep it from getting too boring.
I have this huge rash on my face, well technically below my face on my chin/neck area, right now...and it looks like it's spreading. Luckily enough, I had already scheduled an appointment a month ago with a new doctor for this Thursday. This really sucks and it makes everything I do from sleeping to sitting in on a meeting slightly awkward. I've called the doctor for an earlier appointment, but apparently there isn't one for a first-time visit/physical. So I walked around my office building looking for a pharmacy, ran into my boss who directed me to one behind this building, and found out about all these shops here. There's a really nice gym, a pet grooming store, and a Duane Reade where there was a really helpful pharmacist who told me to take Benadryl tonight. There are really nice riverside condo buildings too, and it definitely has that Roosevelt Island feel to it. This is weird though. I don't recall ever having an allergy in my life! I can't wait to get home, take this Benadryl and conk out. I hope it's better tomorrow.
Otherwise, I realized, my life would be pretty boring. Get up at 6am, get to work at 8:30am, do nothing all day, leave around 5-6pm, do something at night, sleep, do it over again. What a middling life it seems. Frankly, it's kinda what I was going for. But my past has exposed me to have wanted what's actually good for me only 10% of the time. I find myself always fighting from feeling mediocre and/or the coping mechanisms I've developed to escape from that kind of feeling. I find these last few weeks, God has given physical manifestations of this struggle (from this rash, to pimples, to actual sickness) which I'm not very used to, weakening my body and my will and strengthening my character and wisdom at the same time. For instance, this rash has been a really discouraging force in terms of having a real quiet time, resting in Christ which I usually do in the morning and at night, but it has shown me how much more I need it, as my mind wanders more easily to things that are not very helpful to think about. And whoa!, this rash started like on Sunday. I don't think wise people necessarily don't have to re-learn things they've learned before or not suffer things to build character, they're just more aware and recognize God faster and re-learn sooner rather than later. Wisdom is knowing your true self. Wisdom is recognizing that you're a fool, so that you can receive grace and truth from God.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Be Still, My Soul
Be still, my soul, the Lord is on your side. Bear patiently, the cross of grief or pain. Leave to your God, to order and provide. In every change He faithful will remain. Be still, my soul, your best your heavenly friend, through thorny ways leads to a joyful end. Be still, my soul, your God will undertake to guide the future as he has the past. Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake. All now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul, the waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while he lived below. Be still, my soul, be still, my soul, be still.
This is a song by Ginny Owens. I think it's cool to see it like it's just a normal paragraph instead of a song. I like the line about the waves and winds still knowing His voice. It's interesting to think that those same winds and waves are here today that were calmed by Jesus himself 2000 years ago. There's something really intimate about this song. Knowing His voice is like knowing a whisper.
Oddly enough (and yes, this is a weird twist), it made me think of Oryx and Crake. In the book, Crake fiddles with genetics, mixing our patterns with other animals, to create a "perfect" new human race, who are called Crakers. Somehow, Craker men can smell when a Craker woman is ovulating, and they all sing to her. Then it made me think of God singing. God who doesn't only order and provide, but sings and makes perfect beautiful music.
It seems no matter how far I think I've come, I always come back to and struggle with the idea that God is really pursuing me, that I am not abandoned and never will be, that he's really after my heart, not my work, not my friends, not my skills, not my security, not my family, not my beauty. Although giving Him my heart would lead to all of that being given to Him, there's a difference between Him trying to get those things and trying to get me, and for no other apparent reason than He loves me and wants a better heart for me because I am His and He is mine.
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." - Ezekiel 36:26
This is a song by Ginny Owens. I think it's cool to see it like it's just a normal paragraph instead of a song. I like the line about the waves and winds still knowing His voice. It's interesting to think that those same winds and waves are here today that were calmed by Jesus himself 2000 years ago. There's something really intimate about this song. Knowing His voice is like knowing a whisper.
Oddly enough (and yes, this is a weird twist), it made me think of Oryx and Crake. In the book, Crake fiddles with genetics, mixing our patterns with other animals, to create a "perfect" new human race, who are called Crakers. Somehow, Craker men can smell when a Craker woman is ovulating, and they all sing to her. Then it made me think of God singing. God who doesn't only order and provide, but sings and makes perfect beautiful music.
It seems no matter how far I think I've come, I always come back to and struggle with the idea that God is really pursuing me, that I am not abandoned and never will be, that he's really after my heart, not my work, not my friends, not my skills, not my security, not my family, not my beauty. Although giving Him my heart would lead to all of that being given to Him, there's a difference between Him trying to get those things and trying to get me, and for no other apparent reason than He loves me and wants a better heart for me because I am His and He is mine.
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." - Ezekiel 36:26
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Raindrops keep falling on my head
I reloaded my ancient iPod mini recently (GASP! I know...it had been a few years). I put in what my brother had jokingly given me, which was a Burt Bacharach CD (together with Philharmonic renditions of Red Hot Chili Peppers songs, Brandi Carlile and Brett Dennen (I love him!) albums, and a Motown era album). My brother is a sound designer, he's pretty well listened ^_^. But really, it wasn't a joke, because our entire family loves Burt Bacharach. I grew up with such eclectic music, it's pretty hard for me to hate on any of it. There's a time and place for every type I think.
It's weird though, because before, my iPod was overridden by all this emo stuff which was new to me freshman year: Dashboard, Death Cab, Carbon Leaf, Coldplay, Decemberists even Simon and Garfunkel and Joni Mitchell can be counted as such. Not that they're completely taken out, it's just not as much in there.
So getting out the door this morning to such a happy song as "Rain drops keep falling on my head, but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red, no not for me, cause, I ain't gonna stop the rain by complaining. Because I'm freeeeeeee..nothing's worrying meeeeee" is kinda a nice surprise.
Andrea was very affirming last night. Perhaps the most affirming thing I've heard in months, mainly because it's coming from someone who knows all the minor details. It's always an amazing experience to hear someone say with authority something like, You know that thing you've been trying to do, you're doing it very well. You're going the right direction. You're being healthy. Eyes wide open and walking in faith.
That's just friggin' nice to hear once and awhile.
It's weird though, because before, my iPod was overridden by all this emo stuff which was new to me freshman year: Dashboard, Death Cab, Carbon Leaf, Coldplay, Decemberists even Simon and Garfunkel and Joni Mitchell can be counted as such. Not that they're completely taken out, it's just not as much in there.
So getting out the door this morning to such a happy song as "Rain drops keep falling on my head, but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red, no not for me, cause, I ain't gonna stop the rain by complaining. Because I'm freeeeeeee..nothing's worrying meeeeee" is kinda a nice surprise.
Andrea was very affirming last night. Perhaps the most affirming thing I've heard in months, mainly because it's coming from someone who knows all the minor details. It's always an amazing experience to hear someone say with authority something like, You know that thing you've been trying to do, you're doing it very well. You're going the right direction. You're being healthy. Eyes wide open and walking in faith.
That's just friggin' nice to hear once and awhile.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
"Pa, paaaaaaa, this is the sound of settling"
I realized that I wish work would be more like The Office. There, nobody seems to be doing any real work (like me) but they're having fun. That's because work isn't part of their identity, more like just something they do. Like brushing your teeth. In a sense, they are the opposite of being fulfilled by the joy and peace of God, but they look a lot closer to it than I am. Finding my true identity is definitely key.
I really like well worded, profound passages. I've been reading Dandelion Wine by: Ray Bradbury. It was in the Sci-fi section of the Library, but I knew that it actually didn't belong there, despite the author's usual genre. It's weirding reading about a 12-year-old boy in the summer of 1928 and his revelations and adventures in a generic small town in Midwestern America, while riding in train after train trying to be an urban professional grown up in a cosmopolitan metropolis. My summer is much different than his. So maybe in a sense it does belong in the sci-fi section...at least for girls trying to be women.
Ray Bradbury has such an exuberant style. It can be pretty ridiculous, but it's kinda like any beautiful over-the-top movie. You have to let your guard down and let the movie move you. Here's something I read today: "He felt the tremble.... Why? But she was bigger, stronger, more intelligent than himself, wasn't she? Did she, too, feel that intangible menace, that groping out of darkness, that crouching malignancy down below? Was there, then, no strength in growing up? No solace in being an adult? No sanctuary in life? No fleshly citadel strong enough to withstand the scrabbling assault of midnights? Doubts flushed him. Ice cream lived again in his throat, stomach, spine, and limbs; he was instantly cold as a wind out of December gone."
This was referring to Tom (10-year-old brother) looking into the utter darkness of a ravine with his mother holding his hand, for the first time truly feeling the fear that drives us all. Of course, I've been reading 1 John lately. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The man who fears is not made perfect in love." - 1 John 4:18
I completely know the answer to the question marks, but I still feel them. "Was there, then, no strength in growing up? No solace in being an adult?" I was also reading Dynamics last night. And it was a part where he was talking about the Holy Spirit and the lack thereof in the church. (Reading this books reminds me of why professors asked us to write about every frickin' thing. It's to learn how to relate information and shape it as our own. But now that I have to do it, it's so hard to really do it right.) He made an interesting point that the Holy Spirit is like being face to face with God, all the time. ALL THE TIME, face to face, YOU and GOD. After that I read some Puritan prayers about the Holy Spirit. Obviously, I've been having good times with the thought.
This whole post is the makings of a 10 page paper. But without all the connecting paragraphs, thoughts, and quotes, it may seem like they really have nothing to do with each other...that's slightly frustrating. But I'll try to refrain from (and prevent any possible joy to my Writing the Essay professor) the thought that I wish I could write this paper...that's just ridiculous, Xaris, really!
I really like well worded, profound passages. I've been reading Dandelion Wine by: Ray Bradbury. It was in the Sci-fi section of the Library, but I knew that it actually didn't belong there, despite the author's usual genre. It's weirding reading about a 12-year-old boy in the summer of 1928 and his revelations and adventures in a generic small town in Midwestern America, while riding in train after train trying to be an urban professional grown up in a cosmopolitan metropolis. My summer is much different than his. So maybe in a sense it does belong in the sci-fi section...at least for girls trying to be women.
Ray Bradbury has such an exuberant style. It can be pretty ridiculous, but it's kinda like any beautiful over-the-top movie. You have to let your guard down and let the movie move you. Here's something I read today: "He felt the tremble.... Why? But she was bigger, stronger, more intelligent than himself, wasn't she? Did she, too, feel that intangible menace, that groping out of darkness, that crouching malignancy down below? Was there, then, no strength in growing up? No solace in being an adult? No sanctuary in life? No fleshly citadel strong enough to withstand the scrabbling assault of midnights? Doubts flushed him. Ice cream lived again in his throat, stomach, spine, and limbs; he was instantly cold as a wind out of December gone."
This was referring to Tom (10-year-old brother) looking into the utter darkness of a ravine with his mother holding his hand, for the first time truly feeling the fear that drives us all. Of course, I've been reading 1 John lately. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The man who fears is not made perfect in love." - 1 John 4:18
I completely know the answer to the question marks, but I still feel them. "Was there, then, no strength in growing up? No solace in being an adult?" I was also reading Dynamics last night. And it was a part where he was talking about the Holy Spirit and the lack thereof in the church. (Reading this books reminds me of why professors asked us to write about every frickin' thing. It's to learn how to relate information and shape it as our own. But now that I have to do it, it's so hard to really do it right.) He made an interesting point that the Holy Spirit is like being face to face with God, all the time. ALL THE TIME, face to face, YOU and GOD. After that I read some Puritan prayers about the Holy Spirit. Obviously, I've been having good times with the thought.
This whole post is the makings of a 10 page paper. But without all the connecting paragraphs, thoughts, and quotes, it may seem like they really have nothing to do with each other...that's slightly frustrating. But I'll try to refrain from (and prevent any possible joy to my Writing the Essay professor) the thought that I wish I could write this paper...that's just ridiculous, Xaris, really!
Friday, August 8, 2008
Friday and Sanctification
Man, how a day does drag on so. So much so that I'm writing in my blog without any real sense of purpose. I hate how this feels, I hate being wasted (and I don't mean that in an alcohol sense).
I put up some pictures at my desk today, and I think that stuff really does make a difference. I also have this calendar that I'm highlighting blue for everyday that passes and green for any vacations I've planned. It's depressing to think that it is really most of what I think about. Someone was telling me how kinda awful it is for someone to have all their hopes and joys into a fabulous vacation that last for a short period of time versus being in the arms of Jesus for all of eternity...I guess sometimes a vacation is all I can grasp at, it's all I can hope for. It's a numbing mechanism in my brain that has turned way on recently. Sometimes it's not even that far off in the future, it's just what I'm going to be doing tonight and with whom and for what purpose.
I think after processing the themes in my first blog posting below, my heart, my body, my mind just gets exhausted. That place where you experience the realization of your extreme sinfulness (in a sense that not only do I sin, but I am a sinner) and the powerful holiness and grace of God. That's exhausting...it's exhausting crying about it with overwhelming tears. But it's so much at the heart of reality that it's difficult controlling my emotions even just typing this in at work! I think if you spend enough time with me nowadays and I allow myself enough room for grace, I just come to that place and break down. Wow, no wonder I've been numbing my mind to dull my soul.
So my counselor gave me this illustration that we come down to the valley to realize the depth of our sinfulness so that we go up the mountain, receiving the grace that brings us joy and peace and a relationship with Jesus, a person. Of course! Basics of Christianity right?...I guess I have fears that I haven't really reached the bottom of the valley, and in order to reach it, there needs to be a lot of prayer, and to pray is to change. Instead of going there, I think this past week I've started to prefer to just pretend that the valley is great, that the valley is just fine for now. But there's this weird tension of the Christian life. There's this call to do that, to wrestle with God, but there's also the whole waiting for the Spirit to move...it's going to take time. It's not like by the next time I post I'm going to say, YAY, I'm no longer a sinner and I'm completely sanctified. NO! I am justified, yet being sanctified, and none of it is because I love God, but because He loves me. So just because this takes awhile, it doesn't mean I do nothing and ignore my helpless state, and just because I'm a sinner in great need to be sanctified, doesn't mean it's going to happen in my time. It's not magical, it's supernatural.
I put up some pictures at my desk today, and I think that stuff really does make a difference. I also have this calendar that I'm highlighting blue for everyday that passes and green for any vacations I've planned. It's depressing to think that it is really most of what I think about. Someone was telling me how kinda awful it is for someone to have all their hopes and joys into a fabulous vacation that last for a short period of time versus being in the arms of Jesus for all of eternity...I guess sometimes a vacation is all I can grasp at, it's all I can hope for. It's a numbing mechanism in my brain that has turned way on recently. Sometimes it's not even that far off in the future, it's just what I'm going to be doing tonight and with whom and for what purpose.
I think after processing the themes in my first blog posting below, my heart, my body, my mind just gets exhausted. That place where you experience the realization of your extreme sinfulness (in a sense that not only do I sin, but I am a sinner) and the powerful holiness and grace of God. That's exhausting...it's exhausting crying about it with overwhelming tears. But it's so much at the heart of reality that it's difficult controlling my emotions even just typing this in at work! I think if you spend enough time with me nowadays and I allow myself enough room for grace, I just come to that place and break down. Wow, no wonder I've been numbing my mind to dull my soul.
So my counselor gave me this illustration that we come down to the valley to realize the depth of our sinfulness so that we go up the mountain, receiving the grace that brings us joy and peace and a relationship with Jesus, a person. Of course! Basics of Christianity right?...I guess I have fears that I haven't really reached the bottom of the valley, and in order to reach it, there needs to be a lot of prayer, and to pray is to change. Instead of going there, I think this past week I've started to prefer to just pretend that the valley is great, that the valley is just fine for now. But there's this weird tension of the Christian life. There's this call to do that, to wrestle with God, but there's also the whole waiting for the Spirit to move...it's going to take time. It's not like by the next time I post I'm going to say, YAY, I'm no longer a sinner and I'm completely sanctified. NO! I am justified, yet being sanctified, and none of it is because I love God, but because He loves me. So just because this takes awhile, it doesn't mean I do nothing and ignore my helpless state, and just because I'm a sinner in great need to be sanctified, doesn't mean it's going to happen in my time. It's not magical, it's supernatural.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Summertime
I realized that I need a fun book to read in conjunction with this "Dynamics". It's pretty deep, deep stuff, but I need some fiction to read before my brain explodes. But fun reading for me DOES NOT mean completely bubbly. I'm definitely not in the mood for a book like Bridget Jones' Diary. I'm thinking something that seems silly (I use that subjectively for the audience that may be reading this), but would have deep thoughts on society, etc. Something like the Ender's Game, the Diamond Age, Rainbows End...I think when it's summertime I just think about reading these punk-scifi-thrillers that would capture my imagination going to and from some office I was working at.
Someone was mentioning to me how they couldn't believe it was August already, and how sad they were because summer is their favorite season. This was a non-student-fully-grown-is-married-and-has-babies woman. I only mention this because I don't really have this feeling of a season actually ending. I remember in mid-July, at work, as people were figuring out what this project was actually going to entail, people were saying "Man, it's going to be a busy summer for me." And I thought it was weird that they were saying this like they just started summer, when really we were in the middle of summer. I remember that I was always anxious about school starting again, and this would be around the time I would be feeling this way. But all I get is empathy pains from friends, but really I wish September would come pretty soon, because at least I have a day off then!
It's weird looking at this blog, it's so crisp and clean. If a stranger were to come across it, their impressions of me would be so different. Kinda makes me think of all the people I'll meet from now on, and how none of them will know much about how I was in college, high school, etc.
Someone was mentioning to me how they couldn't believe it was August already, and how sad they were because summer is their favorite season. This was a non-student-fully-grown-is-married-and-has-babies woman. I only mention this because I don't really have this feeling of a season actually ending. I remember in mid-July, at work, as people were figuring out what this project was actually going to entail, people were saying "Man, it's going to be a busy summer for me." And I thought it was weird that they were saying this like they just started summer, when really we were in the middle of summer. I remember that I was always anxious about school starting again, and this would be around the time I would be feeling this way. But all I get is empathy pains from friends, but really I wish September would come pretty soon, because at least I have a day off then!
It's weird looking at this blog, it's so crisp and clean. If a stranger were to come across it, their impressions of me would be so different. Kinda makes me think of all the people I'll meet from now on, and how none of them will know much about how I was in college, high school, etc.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Conformity
Due to different forces: my own sense of conformity, lack of xanga access at work, etc.; I've decided to create this blog. It's quite apropos really, I did just graduate and it's a good cut off point for xanga, which I remember I started because my girlfriends in high school wanted to keep in touch during college...se la vie.
Basic facts: My work is based in Jersey City, though I do come into Manhattan for meetings at times. The commute is about 1 hour.
Work has been good...before it's sunk in that this is real. This is my life. It doesn't help that I don't get much work to do around here, but really it's workings of the Spirit. I've probably made the subtlest change out of anyone I know who graduated. I didn't even move apartments, change roommates, change neighborhoods, change churches, change friends...nope, pretty much all similar. But definitely not the same, it's never the way you think it's going to be. People are always telling me that graduating from college is a big deal, and I think it took me awhile to let it sink into my flesh.
Ben got me reading this book "Dynamics of the Spiritual Life: An Evangelical Theology of Renewal" by Richard Lovelace. Here's a good quote: "The lifelong process of mortifying sin involves a gradual detection process by which the particular forms in which sin expresses itself in our lives, our characteristic flesh, are uncovered to our view. Some of this discovery of sin occurs early in our Christian lives, but the subtlety of indwelling sin is such that many of its deeper roots remain under the surface of consciousness, where they will continue to distort our lives if they are not uncovered later."
I sometimes long for the days when sanctification was easier, more cut-throat, whole limbs being thrown into the fire. "Oh, I should really stop doing that, it isn't healthy." But now I must be in lacroscopic surgery with the delicate instruments of prayer and the Word. Everyday is a constant spiritual struggle to hold fast onto Jesus. I feel too weak for the call of holiness, and I fear failure and letting people down. My life has changed dramatically and I fear that I can't handle this, despite all the encouragement from people who have said otherwise.
That being said, I know I'm making the right steps. It's daunting to fully realize the idea that this is hard, without being difficult. And everything is just going to take awhile, I have no control and completely dependent on Christ (despite my seeming independent living in the world).
Basic facts: My work is based in Jersey City, though I do come into Manhattan for meetings at times. The commute is about 1 hour.
Work has been good...before it's sunk in that this is real. This is my life. It doesn't help that I don't get much work to do around here, but really it's workings of the Spirit. I've probably made the subtlest change out of anyone I know who graduated. I didn't even move apartments, change roommates, change neighborhoods, change churches, change friends...nope, pretty much all similar. But definitely not the same, it's never the way you think it's going to be. People are always telling me that graduating from college is a big deal, and I think it took me awhile to let it sink into my flesh.
Ben got me reading this book "Dynamics of the Spiritual Life: An Evangelical Theology of Renewal" by Richard Lovelace. Here's a good quote: "The lifelong process of mortifying sin involves a gradual detection process by which the particular forms in which sin expresses itself in our lives, our characteristic flesh, are uncovered to our view. Some of this discovery of sin occurs early in our Christian lives, but the subtlety of indwelling sin is such that many of its deeper roots remain under the surface of consciousness, where they will continue to distort our lives if they are not uncovered later."
I sometimes long for the days when sanctification was easier, more cut-throat, whole limbs being thrown into the fire. "Oh, I should really stop doing that, it isn't healthy." But now I must be in lacroscopic surgery with the delicate instruments of prayer and the Word. Everyday is a constant spiritual struggle to hold fast onto Jesus. I feel too weak for the call of holiness, and I fear failure and letting people down. My life has changed dramatically and I fear that I can't handle this, despite all the encouragement from people who have said otherwise.
That being said, I know I'm making the right steps. It's daunting to fully realize the idea that this is hard, without being difficult. And everything is just going to take awhile, I have no control and completely dependent on Christ (despite my seeming independent living in the world).
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