Age of Not Believing

Speaking of dreams, this Disney song always seems relevant in life. Unlike what the movie seems to suggest, I think I'm always at an age of not believing. Just like most Disney songs, it's filled with half-truths, but I enjoy its sentiment.



I so enjoy how short and simple it really is.

It's weird to think about how different life is now from two years ago. I feel like there's never enough time to think, never enough time to just sit here and not do anything. I live far from an idle life, yet it seems like I do. I just really don't know what happens with my day, and it's disconcerting to feel that way, when I don't feel like I'm doing anything worthwhile. And it's not like anything is complicated, it's in fact a lot simpler now. It's such a weird funk.

We are the weird ones

One of the annoying things about weddings/marriage is that most people have an opinion about it, and anyone who hears you're getting married suddenly wants to give you unwanted advice. This is way different than friends giving you an opinion, as that's completely normal and welcome, this is when random people, just because they think you're young and naive, just start telling you what you have to/should do. Boundaries, people, BOUNDARIES!

Unfortunately, I think Ben gets this stuff a lot more than me, not quite sure why (probably because I don't go to happy hour and you wouldn't normally talk about this in a corporate environment). The most annoying thing that keeps coming up since we graduated is, "Why don't you live together?" We've obviously been serious and all the more now that we're engaged (teehee understatement), so people generally just think, well, hey, you live an hour away from each other(!), why not just move in? I think what makes it most annoying is that if it really were that easy, then of course we would. But life ain't about being easy, it's about serving God, the Church, and those outside the Church. But again and again, we run into people who are surprised to find us "inconveniencing" ourselves, and the assumptions behind all assumptions is that we're in love and so we should do whatever we want. Get married, don't get married, move in together, don't move in if it's not convenient, have kids, don't have kids (ever), join your accounts or not, but above all else, of course you should definitely have sex. In fact, no sex is actually bad for you and just not healthy. You know what, we ARE in love, but we're not married yet and you don't really understand what love is if you think it means doing whatever you want or whatever "feels right". I think people who don't have a Biblical view of why we have marriage (and by that virtue dating) at all are just making stuff up, dependent on whatever is cool for our culture today.

I guess what's most annoying of all is that it wouldn't be such an issue if we didn't live in a city. It's just SO weird to find SO many people SO surprised as if we're the weird ones. These are all casual encounters btw, no one like that we're having a yelling match with or having weird conflict with because of it. It would just be nice to meet someone, for once, to meet someone who doesn't assume we're like the average engaged people in New York City. That when we say December won't say, "Wow! Of this year!" Or when they ask if we're moving in won't say "You should just do that now! It's so much easier!" Just so many unwanted opinions!

Pricing

One wedding decision annoyance is not knowing what a fair price is. Everything is super-bloated in the wedding industry. I hate it that when something is within my budget, I can't really tell if it's a fair price or just that I'm over-budgeting. Imperfect information sharing just leads to inefficient markets. And I think the problem is that there is a ridiculous range of prices you could pay for any single item.

Related to pricing is how annoying it is that even when you DIY, it's not necessarily cheaper. It can be, in fact, more expensive. Example? Makeup. I don't really wear makeup, but if I did that myself it would probably cost me more money than if I used a professional to do it for me the day of, plus I would not be stuck with makeup that I'm not really gonna use. Also, there's the worrying about having it done well. I COULD do the centerpieces myself, go and buy some orchids on Sunday and put them together, but I'd be so stressed out already, and it would be one more thing I have to do that Sunday. There's something about just paying to get it done that is so appealing...though more expensive. I just wish I knew a florist and a hair and makeup person who wouldn't have to charge me an arm and a leg. Networking fail!

Into Week 7 of Engagment

Believe it or not, I think today was the first day I actually thought that I wish this wedding stuff was all over already. I wished MANY times that all the decisions, decisions, decisions, and the bills that go with those things would be over, but I oddly enough hadn't felt the rush to be actually married and to actually have the wedding. It's curious how challenging marriage really looks when it's staring you down, even in the best of times.

I don't think I'm necessarily much better equiped now than I was in Week 1 for marriage. I think I'm just getting tired of having these "To-do's" 2-6 months in advance. Some of which are really major like finding an affordable 1 bedroom in Manhattan...which I've never had to worry about! I'm surprisingly not the kind of person who likes actual lists of things to-do written out. I usually remember what I need to do. If I know I won't remember what I need to do, then I make special effort to write it down...and then end up just remembering better since I wrote it down. Generally, I've relied on my memory for these kinds of things. This is what makes me hate planning/anticipating big, obnoxious, life-changing events. I like to know EVERYTHING about everything, but that's a little impossible to do! Things like a wedding have so many moving parts and tiny details, kind of representative with how big a deal it is. I just really want to go to all the vendors and book them, and make all these things, and talk with all these people, and buy all these things, I've already decided on...but I know how weird that would be to do at this point in time.

Whenever someone asks about my plans and I tell them all about the things we've already done, I sometimes get a "Wow, you're so organized!" I wanna say, "No, it's more like I'm crazy!".

However, I'm finding that just like anything in this adult life, transitioning is gonna take time. I've been grateful for this time so far. Ben and I absolutely need that time. But when I see a deal on bubble blowers on the Knot and realize that I probably shouldn't buy it because I'll have 6 month old bubble solution at my wedding and I must stop myself from making my decision final...it's just so frustrating and representative of the larger reality of engagement being a holding station. True, a holding station made by God where much growth will happen, but a holding station nonetheless.

Wedding, wedding, wedding

Somebody suggested (perhaps Dan T) that I get new business cards saying "Bride / Wedding Planner". It does have a ring to it.

I ordered my wedding dress last Saturday and am very happy that that's over with. I had a rather specific idea in mind, and I was really worried that I wouldn't find it. I'm excited for the fittings that will slowly make this dress mine.

I've been looking at assorted wedding things today. I've been giving some serious thought on centerpieces.

This one is from the Knot. I like how these are both things I can get from Ikea: river rocks, rectangular vase. Check!

But I think I still really love this look (that I got from Blooms By the Box ), seeing the flowers through the glass. I guess it depends on how clear the glass is and pricing for the florist. I don't know if I want to use Blooms By the Box just because I don't wanna stress out about ordering something so close to the wedding. The caterer has some tea lights we could use too.

So I've learned a couple things so far while planning this thing. I was never the type of person to have her wedding all planned out already and all you need is the groom (oddly enough from someone like me, but it's true). So it's interesting what pops up. There are certain things I really don't care about. Somethings that I'm even surprised at how much it's just not important to me. Like the bridesmaids dresses aren't important to me (hey, they're all pretty hot, I'm not really worried about them looking absolutely beautiful). Ceremony decorations, my bouqet, bridesmaids' bouqet, food, alcohol. What are important to me are sentimental, meaningful, and unique musical choices and beauty. Beauty is a big one. I think the colors are really important and the design of the save-the-dates to the floral arrangements should somehow tie in together.

This makes it really hard to look through all the ideas out there. At least with my dress, I had an idea, but because I'm kind of open to other designs, it's a bit of a crapshoot. Also, you start feeling like having a beautiful wedding is impossible, because you can never do all these things they're suggesting. It's absolutely not true, but it's the lie I must contend with. I think it's very similar to reading Seventeen magazine and feeling really ugly and/or abnormal. I never did read those much.

There's a lot to stand up to the world to and say "NO!". Everyone has an opinion about weddings and marriage, and it's interesting the people that just freely give me advice, even when I didn't ask for it. Some of it is good of course, but it's annoyingly bad mostly, especially when they don't know me or me in a relationship with Ben that well. I think what's weird about it is that they left me alone about every other important decision I've made thus far, and all of the sudden they've got something to say about what date my Wedding should be. I'm realizing that I'm just not used to that. My parents were very hands off with me (as they continue to be now, except of course are more than ready to serve and help) and I'm just not used to people telling me something I've decided is wrong, especially when it was my decision to make. Deal with it! I don't care if you can come or not.

Obviously, I'm a little angry and stressed about it. Point is, all the random opinions from people who have no idea who I am is not helpful.