March Comparison

I thought I would play the, "Where were you last year?" game today. I think I get like that whenever I've just gone to counseling. It's just nice to compare and see growth. There is a danger of doing this just to make myself feel better and to extenuate the gravity and challenges of where I'm at now. But I have faith that this is helpful for me.

I looked a bit through my old xanga site and found this post. It's weird how I'm essentially doing the same things now: living for today, having work and social activities and getting enough sleep (btw, good share by Joanna on the theology of sleep), and waiting. Except now I realize that waiting is life, and all of life is basically waiting actively. Waiting actively is not just sitting there and going through the motions, but growing and seeking God and his Kingdom first as he reveals His mystery to you. I know this is easy to grasp in concept, but when I live my life, it's a lot harder to live like I know it.

Last year's March probably contained one of the most traumatic days of my life. I was already spiritually depressed and not sure about where God was and felt a withdrawing of His presence in my life. Then this elderly woman minister basically attacks my already precarious faith, and I just did not have the strength to stand under condemnation. Which is to say, I absolutely don't and that's what I need Jesus for. I need his justification daily, hourly, minute-by-minute.

Anyway, it's just nice to have had an entire winter without the spiritual depression that had seemed to accompany most of my winters in the last decade or so. It's nice to feel supported and that I can stand on the foundation of God, despite the openess of my situation. And man, is my situation open, with no commitments or obligations. I could move, I could quit tomorrow...right now, I could go meet new people, I could buy a plane ticket this weekend to go to France. But whatever I do God is with me, and I must follow Him, not my own whims. And there ultimately lies true joy and gratefulness. The kind of waiting that we weren't made for, but is a sign that we were made for something greater.

Thought Stream

For me, I think what sucks about not being in school anymore, is the constant re-establishing/re-orienting/re-thinking/re-considering/re-prioritizing. There's just more structure for this stuff in school, almost manufactured. Now, I feel like at least every few weeks (much more frequent in the beginning) I find myself being challenged my something. It could be something I read, something I realize, something a friend says, something a stranger says. I'm slowly getting it through my thick head that it's just life, and that I'm being a baby, but this is just really annoying and I never see it coming. Lack of outward stability is always draining. That's why an inward stability has been so much more important to me. I've really been grasping a hold of Jesus as my only constant and the one true thing that's getting me through this life. It's been getting easier. Whenever I realize something terrible about me, about the world, it has gotten so much easier to see God's glory in the midst of it. It gets to be that with any negative feelings I hear or feel, I immediately want to rush to Jesus to fill me all the more with His mercy and grace. To empower me to speak the truth and say, "Rejoice, for the kingdom of heaven is near!"

This huge internal dialogue is has been happening in my head. And when it doesn't...I get really worried...then I suddenly start thinking about the Resurrection again. I guess we're just not made to be robots. I'm constantly thinking and feeling.

Thursday

I got nothing..

Well, I probably got something, but there's really no time to get on with it, cause I gots a meeting to go to (womp, womp). Sometimes you just don't feel like writing an opinion down. It's also harder with blogging, because I never know if someone out there is actually going to respond to what I'm saying. It's like this black hole that I can shout into, but nothing comes out. That can be really rewarding at times, but right now I don't feel like I need that.

However, I did decide to write something everyday I'm in the office. So here I am doing it.

POOP! (That's for Josh)

Habit and Routine

As I was going about my morning, I had this odd sensation. Even though I was coming off of a weekend (an unusual weekend at that), I didn't feel this huge burden of remorse and dread that it was 6am and the sun had not risen, or that the water changed temperature a third time while I was in the shower, or that I needed to go to work on what is generally considered a holiday. I wasn't like, completely thrilled about it, but there's this sense of safety and comfort in a routine. It's like in science, we don't really know anything for sure, but the fact that something has been done thousands of times and the same result has happened makes us feel a little more sure of something. There's just something about the predictability of the process that starts with me waking up and somehow ending up sitting at my desk.

The whole thing is riddled with decisions too. Decisions that I made a long time ago, that aren't necessarily the most efficient way of doing things. When I was younger, I used to wonder whether I was really taught how to soap myself properly, whether I was completely wrong and completely disadvantaged because I was taught our maids instead of my parents. Was there an American way of doing things that I was completely missing? Of course, who the f cares about that stuff now, but I think it's pretty amazing that a decision I made years ago about how to do any of things I do to get ready in the morning could still be in effect now. It's really amazing how habits form and from then on are completely automatic. Like, I never really think about why I use Head and Shoulders, then a current shampoo, then a conditioner. But if I think back, I remember it was because I had really awful, unhealthy hair when I used to color it and had some bad flaking going on.

And so it goes spiritually speaking. I was really pleased (I'm sorry, that just seems like the right word for it) that Tim Keller preached on repentance yesterday. I think the most striking statement he made was that we have no more reasons to screw up. There are no more reasons to fear and be anxious because of God's love, and there are no more reasons to be proud and arrogant because of knowing who you really are, thus no reasons to break God's heart. He just made it sound so freeing and easy. Way too often, I think about Christian living as a religion, as obligations, as duty but really it's the freedom to be good, nice, MYSELF without insecurity and/or hubris. Christian living is automatic and self-renewing.

Celebrate October!

Haha, I really like Claire's post about October. I was largely thinking the same thing yesterday. I really like the month of October. I always associate it with good things and good events in my life (not at all like crappy September). It has a billion birthdays in it: Mine(!!!), Claire's, my brother's, a few cousins', and several friends', my grandmother's (who has passed away); as well as my parents' anniversary, which they never celebrate or pay attention to, but somehow I'm the only one in my family that finds that kind of thing important (31 years for them, by the literal and full grace of God). And I guess I'll be adding my own dating anniversary with Ben. Also, in the last couple of years, I've gone on some retreat or other in the month of October. It's in October that it feels like it's just about that time to get out of here, or I will snap. Think of it, I've been in the tri-state area, really since the Ziesel wedding. I'm really looking forward to meaningfully leaving for the Pure Conference. Not like an overnight stay, or a day trip, like a real retreat. 22 days left woohoo! With so much to celebrate, there are always parties and get-togethers going on, too. October can really be as socially busy as December I think.

I also like how much cooler it gets. Everywhere I've lived in the world, it always gets cooler in October. This is weird, considering the Philippines is technically below the equator, though it is very close to it. Perhaps I am mixing memories, but I seriously remember October as the start of coolness (in so many levels). I know this line of thought is kind of contradictory to what I've said before, but keep in mind, the other two places I've lived at are tremendously hot places where any bit of cold was a good thing.

Be Still, My Soul

Be still, my soul, the Lord is on your side. Bear patiently, the cross of grief or pain. Leave to your God, to order and provide. In every change He faithful will remain. Be still, my soul, your best your heavenly friend, through thorny ways leads to a joyful end. Be still, my soul, your God will undertake to guide the future as he has the past. Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake. All now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul, the waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while he lived below. Be still, my soul, be still, my soul, be still.

This is a song by Ginny Owens. I think it's cool to see it like it's just a normal paragraph instead of a song. I like the line about the waves and winds still knowing His voice. It's interesting to think that those same winds and waves are here today that were calmed by Jesus himself 2000 years ago. There's something really intimate about this song. Knowing His voice is like knowing a whisper.

Oddly enough (and yes, this is a weird twist), it made me think of Oryx and Crake. In the book, Crake fiddles with genetics, mixing our patterns with other animals, to create a "perfect" new human race, who are called Crakers. Somehow, Craker men can smell when a Craker woman is ovulating, and they all sing to her. Then it made me think of God singing. God who doesn't only order and provide, but sings and makes perfect beautiful music.

It seems no matter how far I think I've come, I always come back to and struggle with the idea that God is really pursuing me, that I am not abandoned and never will be, that he's really after my heart, not my work, not my friends, not my skills, not my security, not my family, not my beauty. Although giving Him my heart would lead to all of that being given to Him, there's a difference between Him trying to get those things and trying to get me, and for no other apparent reason than He loves me and wants a better heart for me because I am His and He is mine.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." - Ezekiel 36:26