Better Loser than a Winner

I've been a little sick, and for the first time in a long time, I can afford to stay home, because I have enough days to take that time off. Mainly because I've been working like a mad woman on this project. Worstly, the weekends I worked are apparently not even going to be reimbursed in any tangible way...but that's another subject entirely.

I watched Bridesmaids this weekend with one of my bestest friends and bridesmaids :). By the way it was as good as all the hype suggests. It was insanely hilarious. It's honestly a bad title though, since it was less about wedding madness and more about women friendships and all the insecurities and affirmations that go along with that. It kinda really affirms how without our friendships, especially the female ones, we easily become emotionally and spiritually dead. It's important within God's plan of community formation to have friendships that go deep.

Anyway, what weirded me out a little bit, was how much I kinda wish I was going through a crisis like the main character, Annie, does. I wish I was in a position that someone has to really slap me around to get my act together. In a lot of ways, I find myself to be a better loser than a winner.

I can honestly say I had no real friends until college. I'm not saying I was friendless, but my friends before then were friends out of survival. We had the same classes/interests/test scores, so I stuck around with them on social occasions so I could be as "normal" as possible. But it's not like I felt like anyone would want to hang out with me or me with them after school. This reverberates through to my life today, as I still get acute social anxiety when I'm going to a party or even just hanging out with some people. Even though it's painful to work through the fear (it's so silly fear of what? not being liked!), I'm more comfortable in this uphill battle.

Never would I have ever imagined that I'd be in a city like New York. I've lived here non-stop (except for week-2 week vacations) for almost 7 years now. On top of that, I would never have imagined that I would be so stable. I've stayed employed through one of the worst financial crises in history. I bitch and moan about my job, but man it's stable. Not only is it stable, but I'm thriving in it. I've been promoted twice, I get a good bonus, I have six months saved up. I support my husband. Even with all the politics I have to deal with, in general everyone at work likes me. Redeemer feels like my home church, and I've been there long enough to plant some roots and recognize the people around me, from babies to the more senior and the majority that is in between. I meet up with friends and they want to meet with me too. My husband is loving, kind, and cares about my character. If you told me this would happen, even just 4 years ago, I would find it very hard to believe. This is what I would've termed as being a winner.

Tim Keller had a sermon my freshman year about the two great tests of life. One test is when things are going really shitty, and one test is when everything is going really well for you. I remember him saying that the latter is the more dangerous one, since it leaves you less needy. Less needy means less room for Christ. On top of that, the Gospel teaches me that I'm both a loser saved by grace, and a winner wearing the righteousness of Christ.

Just like any sinner, I have my preferences on which side of the Gospel I want to emphasize in my life. Being a loser is clearer to me. I know better how to analyze my life and find the specific sins, and work through in counseling the solutions. I play the victim very well, and also the savior very well. Then I realize I'm saving myself, and then EVENTUALLY, find that the Lord has bound me up like a sheep and saved me despite myself. This is comfortable, this is normal based on the previous 2 decades of my life. Depression, anxiety, and trials are a gift from God.

But what about the place where things are going well. I feel I am in muddier waters. What is it like to live life in perpetual dependence on God, when the life of winning lulls you into thinking this is through the work you've done. Worst of all, it tempts you to think you're better than other people who can't seem to get it together.

Reading through the Bible is scary, when you're in a place where you are the opposite of the poor, orphaned, and the foreigner. It's like being the rich young man who comes to Christ and asks how to get into the Kingdom of God. Jesus turns to him and tells him to follow all the commandments. The young guy says, of course I do that! Then Jesus tells him to give away all his riches, and to follow Him. Then the young guy turns away utterly dejected. Whenever I read passages like this, I feel like Jesus is talking right at me, and I feel rather dejected. It's like he tells me, what are you doing to empower the disempowered, lift up the oppressed, and pour out your wealth to those who have none? This isn't just about tithing anymore (which is this box we all check anyway), it's about what am I doing with my life to glorify God? This judgment is very real, and I clamor my way to the cross to repent and be still to receive the grace which is mine too.

Being blessed with all these good things in life in recent years yields more questions for me. Am I a better steward of His riches, or have I already received my reward on earth? These rewards include not just money, but other less thought of caches like power, time, friendship. I had a crisis recently about how hard it is to be a good friend. It was easier to be real when I was a loser, but it's less easy to be real when you have much more to lose. No wonder people fondly dream of the college years, when there was definitely less to lose.

Anyway, this is complicated. And Tim Keller (AGAIN, I know..) gave this illustration in yesterday's sermon about wisdom. God made this world good, and with a created order, on top of that we are fallen and everything is ruined, but on top of that we are redeemed and God is working RIGHT NOW in this fallen world. To be wise, you not only need to know that there are things you definitely should do (order and laws in the world), and that sometimes things are worst than ever (fallen world), but all of that is part of God's plan and He ultimately works good through it (redemption). They need to exist together, because life is complex, and to think otherwise means you are a fool.

I guess I'll end this on a high note..sort of :). I'm a sucker for hymns keyed in minor. I don't know what it is, but it's the complexity of the soaring words of the hymn plus the melancholy minor makes it more real to me. Favorite verse is the following:

Come, ye weary heavy laden, lost and ruined by the fall. If you tarry till you're better, you will never come at all. I will arise and go to Jesus, He will embrace me in His arms. In the arms of my dear Savior, oh, there are ten thousand charms.

We are all winners and losers that need Jesus. When you feel like a winner, be assured that you are a loser, and when you feel like a loser, be encouraged that you are a winner.

Stationary, an old friend

So invites and other paper-related products that I want for this wedding is one of the more exciting parts for me, though turning out to be a lot more expensive than I anticipated...sometimes I think I'm even more excited about it than my dress. Don't ask me why. To cut down costs, we'll be sending out the invite through email to a large amount of the young'ins. Either way though, all invitees will see the fabulous work of Kyo Y (her last name means inside the mountain, just so you know). Of course, I have yet to see this fabulous work, but I'm sure it'll be great! I'm just so super grateful for her services.

I've been seeing pictures from the National Stationary Show on wedding blogs. And turns out Kyo actually went to it yesterday! I'm so very jealous! I don't know, I think I just really love pretty paper. I'm thinking this would be one of my dream alternate careers, owning a stationary store. It would be great to be surrounded by such beauty, yet not necessarily having to create that. As well as facilitating the communication of people.

I used to collect stationary as a girl...sadly enough I had nothing to use it for. I'm not sure what ended up happening to all of it. I think this was the only reason why I wanted a pen pal...and you know, friendship. I started writing letters to my cousin, Jikki, for this reason. I wrote so much to her, that I memorize their address. Who does that nowadays?

I don't remember the last time I actually wrote a letter to someone. I still have the various stamps and real candle wax and "X" seal that I used. I even had one of those feather pen things that you could buy at Barnes and Noble ^_^. I should really try writing more often, then maybe people would start writing me back! It will be a letter-writing revolution!

I just really loved this save the date that I saw on Brooklyn Bride. It's so hilarious to me! So simple, yet communicating exactly what I want.

Ribbon Bird, Freedom and Love

My brother and I used to make ribbon birds like this when we were younger. I forget why we got so into it, or where we learned it from, but I think my brother was running for student council. He made a ton of blue ribbon birds and used a safety pin to put them on people. It was really apropros because the school's mascot involved an eagle and the school color was blue. I've been thinking about somehow incorporating this in the design of our wedding, just because I think it's unique. I grabbed this picture from here.

At the same time as his bird-making, there was this trend at school (my all-girls Catholic school) where girls started selling stuff to each other, like cupcakes, fans, bracelets and other girly things. So I thought, hey, maybe I can sell these ribbon birds as pins. So my mom and I made some (like a lot, like 30 or something) and put it in a little box with some safety pins. I was so excited, I thought this was the best idea ever. I took it to school, but I think only 2 people or so ever really bought one. I was kind of disappointed and didn't know why my plan didn't work. I don't even think I wanted the money, I just wanted to be popular. And as if I didn't learn from this experience I tried selling it again in middle school at this market day thing when people spend fake money they earned as bonus points. I think it just confused people yet again. Why would they want one? OH you know, if you were trying to add beauty to your life...I guess that's not something you're interested in when you're young. These experiences probably have a lot to do with why I don't understand entrepreneurship.

So I've been reading "The Mystery of Marriage", and as I mentioned he is totally a feeler. You can also totally tell he's a man, by what he emphasizes as the difficult parts of marriage. The closeness, the realness, the not being alone, etc. These are things that I certainly struggle with at times, and more and more as marriage becomes ever more real, but I just think most women I know struggle with wanting this too much from men. But that's my $.02. It is still rather excellent. It's kind of like he's persuading you about the wonderfulness of marriage BECAUSE it's raw, close, real, and ever watchful. But for me, it's more like reading more about something I've already been sold on. The reason why he sounds like this may be because it's geared toward people who are already married. I can definitely see how easy it would be to forget what he's talking about.

"It is no secret that there is this heady, breathtaking freedom in love, but how many realize that the marrying kind is the headiest of all? In a person about to be married there is a quality of footloose derailment, as if an old rusty locomotive had suddenly sprouted wings and soared away from its tracks. Being engaged is like entering a new stage of childhood, right down to the feeling of strange new chemicals being released into the body. It is, in fact, like having a new body, like being a brand new creature just emerged from a cocoon, with shining skin not quite dry. It is like baptism. The world is so bright, and this crazy new body is so incredibly sensitive to everything. It is one thing to be a new creature as a baby, without any sense of self-consciousness. But it is something else when this happens to an adult. One stumbles around, lumbers, cranes, reels. And what are those ponderous appendages on one's back, thos preposterous, unwieldy contraptions that keep lifting one up into the air?"

Morning in the City

My cousin, Josh, has been staying with me the last couple days. I just wanna express how weird it is to wake up with someone else in my room (not like a hotel room or whatever where I'm expecting to wake up next to my brother or a friend, MY room). I realize I'm not really used to sharing a room, because I never had to. Though I am used to sleeping with another person beside me, because I slept in my parents' bed until I was 9 years old and now I compensate by having pillows galore. Just an observation.

Point is, I've not had my ordinary mornings with WQXR waking me up as my alarm or listening to NPR while I dress. In fact, I think I really am incredibly less informed. Anyway, so I try to keep it quiet in my room as I putter about for my things. And then I heard construction going on the empty lot two doors down from us. And I oddly found that comforting and like "Yes, it is morning!" Then I also heard this truck roll by in front of our place and felt the same things. As if it was comforting to know that the world was awake with me, and I don't need to resent being up this early.

I also thought about how city sounds aren't weird to me. That I actually grew up in the city (Quezon City, Philippines) and did not encounter the suburbs until we moved to Arizona. I was used to public transportation and taxis and crowds and pollution. I thought that was normal. And I didn't even make this connection until about a year ago, that this is why I immediately felt at home in this city. There was a transition, for sure, but I never really had the thought of wanting to live in the suburbs again really. Except for those "the grass is greener..." moments.

March Comparison

I thought I would play the, "Where were you last year?" game today. I think I get like that whenever I've just gone to counseling. It's just nice to compare and see growth. There is a danger of doing this just to make myself feel better and to extenuate the gravity and challenges of where I'm at now. But I have faith that this is helpful for me.

I looked a bit through my old xanga site and found this post. It's weird how I'm essentially doing the same things now: living for today, having work and social activities and getting enough sleep (btw, good share by Joanna on the theology of sleep), and waiting. Except now I realize that waiting is life, and all of life is basically waiting actively. Waiting actively is not just sitting there and going through the motions, but growing and seeking God and his Kingdom first as he reveals His mystery to you. I know this is easy to grasp in concept, but when I live my life, it's a lot harder to live like I know it.

Last year's March probably contained one of the most traumatic days of my life. I was already spiritually depressed and not sure about where God was and felt a withdrawing of His presence in my life. Then this elderly woman minister basically attacks my already precarious faith, and I just did not have the strength to stand under condemnation. Which is to say, I absolutely don't and that's what I need Jesus for. I need his justification daily, hourly, minute-by-minute.

Anyway, it's just nice to have had an entire winter without the spiritual depression that had seemed to accompany most of my winters in the last decade or so. It's nice to feel supported and that I can stand on the foundation of God, despite the openess of my situation. And man, is my situation open, with no commitments or obligations. I could move, I could quit tomorrow...right now, I could go meet new people, I could buy a plane ticket this weekend to go to France. But whatever I do God is with me, and I must follow Him, not my own whims. And there ultimately lies true joy and gratefulness. The kind of waiting that we weren't made for, but is a sign that we were made for something greater.

Food Rules

I've somewhat successfully been living out some rules I gave myself about food. I thought up these rules for both budgetary and health reasons. Slowly but surely these last few months I've been changing little habits, and I realized today how amazing it is that I'm happily eating a banana and not a 200 calorie (or worse) muffin off a street cart. It used to be really hard to resist a $1 muffin (or even a 75 cent bagel and cheese). Especially because it was only a dollar. Honestly though I don't think there has been a measurable improvement in health (unmeasurable would be my level of energy and general happiness), it has really worked on the financial side.

For example, first, I started bringing in my lunch and snacks to work 4 days a week. I say snacks, because those vending machine purchases can be really ridiculous when a) you could've gotten it for 80 cents cheaper buying in bulk at the grocery store; b) most foods (except maybe popcorn) from there are not healthy. After that I started replacing carb/sugar heavy snacks with fruit (I don't know if I'll ever be the type to eat celery or carrot sticks). I still have brie and crackers or those 110 calorie popcorn bags a couple times a week, but overall, I am amazed at how I don't really think about it anymore. It used to be really hard, especially since I work at a cube farm and around lunch time all kinds of awesome smells are floating around. It's also a lot easier to not buy a cookie, when I don't even leave my floor for lunch at all (vending machines on another floor and cafeteria downstairs once being temptation filled places).

For good and for bad, my co-worker Christine will invite me to walk down with her because she needs to buy lunch, and I usually don't get anything because I leave my wallet behind. It's a nice way for us to talk without everyone around us listening in. Unfortunately, one time I had a really strong reaction to the visual cues of a chocolate muffin sitting behind the glass at the cafeteria, and Christine impulsively bought it for me (I guess out of gratitude that I would walk down with her). She was unstoppable! GAH! My plan was foiled that day. I'm careful now not to even look at the things and distract myself with conversation when I'm with her. (Side note: When we went to the opera, Ben and I went to Carnegie Deli after the show and we sat right by the rotating cakes display. I was so distracted it was just ridiculous.)

It's still really hard to curb the feeling of hunger. But weirdly enough, because I fasted a few times (not for these reasons obviously, but spiritual ones), it kinda taught me to lose that sense of entitlement. Lose the sense that I should never be hungry. That's really ridiculous if you think about all the billions of people in the world who do go hungry. And something much more foundational, that man must not live by bread alone. So weird that I've basically had to re-create a reality with truths that I usually ignored. Totally making this process a part of sanctification.

I also figured out that it's impossible for me to go any lower than $300 a month for eating out. That's a lot I think, maybe not a lot for a single woman in NY, but it's a lot. And we're not talking about Chinese food or Subway here, I have good dinners out frequently and like really good dinners ($20-$30) at least twice a month. (umm...these are guesstimates and not based on my spreadsheets, though I did find out that I spend ~$20 on average every time I eat out). So I made a rule that I shouldn't eat out if I'm by myself or it should be below $10 AND splittable to 2 meals or below $5 (though that usually means it's unhealthy and I should avoid that). Those foot longs from Subway have been genius for this.

Another thing is I've changed my breakfasts to be high in protein. My doctor suggested this because of some study. Anyway, so I microwave some egg whites in a bowl and eat it with some lunch meat (currently pepperoni) and a cup of Skim Plus milk. I usually don't want to eat in the mornings (being that I'm unhappy that I'm awake), so I generally don't care what I'm eating, I just know I have to eat breakfast.

Fridays are my free days. That's when I can spend money on all three meals of the day (as well as a big M&M cookie that I snack on throughout the day ^_^). I usually get an omelet and sausage from the cafeteria and some chocolate milk in the morning. My office building is attached to the mall so I get to go to the food court for lunch. Then I usually go to a restaurant with Benny for dinner. Weekends, I still try to eat in when I'm alone, but usually I'm out and about. But after a whole week of not buying food (except for a couple nights when I eat with someone), I feel truly free to spend money on food on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

There are several more rules, but those are the broad ones. That seems really restrictive, but really I like giving myself rules to follow. Growing up, I didn't have any real rules pertaining to anything, much more food, so to be able to do this for myself as an adult making my own decisions, it's extremely satisfying to know exactly what to do in a given situation. And since it's been a slow add on, it hasn't been traumatic at all. And it's easier to make little changes since there's a framework I'm working off of.

Redeemer Winter Getaway 2009

This is a picture of the little chapel in Trinity Lodge. We didn't use it since it was much too small, but it was really cool.I gotta say, though Navigator retreats were great/fun/sometimes life-changing, I think adult retreats are a lot more conducive to my preferences. First of all, everyone wears their sturdy name tags that have the schedule on the back of it. The schedule is then attached to my body and I don't really have to bring my BPN/papers around with me to know where I'm supposed to be. Not to mention how much easier it is to meet people without re-asking their name every hour.

Then, there's the maturity of everyone involved. This impacts several things. The announcements aren't really redundant (unless absolutely important) because everyone listened and heard it the first the time. Everyone is clean/showered, at least there are no funny smells. Most people come prepared. Everyone wakes up and eats breakfast, because no one was really up that late. Everyone wants to really know what you do and/or want to do with your life and vice versa (also related to remembering names). People can slip away from the group if they want to and aren't pressured to do anything with their free time. I feel like the fact that there was free coffee/tea/hot chocolate plus snackies for 24/7 would have left a constant mess in the eating area...but that was not true. I think the messiest it was, was when they had a big bowl of popcorn and some s'mores ingredients, which was a bit unruly.

Besides that, it was awesome getting personal with David Bisgrove. We actually watched a little bit of West Side Story with him and his wife...also when we broke up in groups to pray, he was in our group...it was cool praying with our pastor in such a candid way. Also, I don't think I ever heard his full story before. CFO is this mysterious title to me, though I know and work with many of them. Seems like an interesting thing to shoot for, being CFO.

It was also cool, that while we were probably some of the youngest there, that everyone was basically in a similar life stage. Being a bit more grounded in who they are, but still figuring out what to do with their lives. There are options galore from going to grad school, changing jobs, moving, getting married etc. But most people had obviously figured out 1) To like themselves (You are loved) 2) That it wasn't all about them (You are called). The older I get, the more I realize that there is a wide gap between people who understand both these things and people who can't do both (maybe only knowing one or the other, or even none at all), spiritually and how they socially relate to people. Think about it, it's awkward when you talk to someone with so much anxiety about themselves, and downright boring to talk to someone who thinks the world revolves around them. Not that I'm all good with it, there are degrees of wisdom after all, but you know what I mean. I've also come to realize that you get to a certain point and when you're at peace with 1 and 2 then you see how silly you were because there are deeper things, more complicated things to deal with than just what's within yourself. I played Taboo with these people the first night and it was cool to instantly feel like I was part of something. I guess it's just great to find a large group of people being real with you, while at the same time being chill and non-explosive. There is a sense of being rooted where you are, and being open to what comes.

Just to keep it real myself, I should mention that I was also really exhausted by the constant chatter and people going on around me. I never realized this one piece of how different my life really is now than it was in college. Even during my Senior year, Nav Nite would get to be really taxing. My introvertedness has really been nourished by my cubicle life and not having to constantly deal with groups of people. There came a point when I just wanted to turn off, because there was no more Xaris left. If I didn't get to have a quiet, serene snow hike along the river, I would've retreated to my room all day. Needless to say this is awkward for Ben, who notices it the most.

The message was all about hope and evangelism. It reminded me of the Jonathan Edwards sermon on Christian Happiness. The talks were solid and he brought in a lot of the good Bisgrove metaphors. There was a lot of quality intercessory prayer and joyful worship, both of which I've had felt needs for.

AND it was only 2 hours away at Trinity Lodge and very quaint with lots of fireplaces...and I believe this was the first time everyone met at my place instead of having me leave and pick them up elsewhere, thus bypassing much traffic. I'm soooooo grateful because this has affirmed the logical thought I've had for the 2.5 years I've lived in Astoria that it's much faster to leave from my place. So this was yet another adult retreat I was pleasantly surprised with and clearly grateful for.

Btw, I finally got a Redeemer membership interview. Should be fun!

I am Scatter Brained

I think what's really weird about my life right now, is that I don't need a to do list. As in, I really don't need to write stuff down, because there ain't much, and I somehow remember things at the right moment...or really the challenge is creating things for me to do. But because everything is so scatter brained, it's feels so different. Like I'll think of doing one thing, and then interrupt myself and do something else sooooo easily and so frequently, EVEN when doing my budget. It kinda scares me because I remember being really good at concentrating and doing the same thing over and over again for hours...and liking it.

It's like it's not enough that my schedule and pace of life is dramatically different, the very things that structured my life before are actually gone so that I don't have this clear cut syllabus with the list of problem sets and group projects and when they're due, and what they're clearly about, and have some sense of progress and continuity. Everything's just more vague and kinda sorta. It's anarchy, and I'm amazed that I've even really settled down to it at all. And it's changing how I think, work, even play. I feel like I can't read for hours anymore.

Many posts in this blog have been a result of me opening the "New Post" page early in the day, and just working on it in bits and pieces, but continually shuffling through other things like Google reader, various email, or any other current project. I usually update the time stamp for whatever feels the most right, like I wrote the majority of this around 4:30.

It's like I get so distracted because it's not like I have this burden to carry the way school work could be, so I feel this freedom to just leave something and go do something else if it doesn't seem particularly fun at the moment. I'm really glad I told myself to write everyday, otherwise there are lots of days when I don't even want to think or write about anything.

Another weird thing that happens is that because there's nothing in particular to think about or do, my brain can just pick this one thing to think about and do...the WHOLE DAY. And I feel trapped in it. It can be as frivolous as looking for a certain kind of dress, or it could be as nasty as spiritual warfare.

The oddest thing is that I never quite remember what I did in a day much more what I thought about or who I talked to about what. After a day at work, I feel pretty dazed and unable to carry on a normal conversation. It's like I need a little time to reconfigure who I am since I've been someone else all day. Ugh.

Christmas Wish List

I've been on ebay a lot recently. I totally forgot how I can get such bang for my buck there. I've been toying with the idea of buying some really old Blackberry that seem to go for around $50 and just ask the mama for the data addition to the plan...but the whole point of wanting it, I must admit, is really the sexiness of it, not just the functionality. Technology is something that is important to me (ultra nice dress pants however not as much), so I don't exactly feel like this is silly of me. Currently, I am the winning bidder of this pretty package. I've been wanting a PS2 for years (highly doubt I'd ever get a PS3) mainly because I've got PS2 games. I'm also uber excited to finally be a proud owner of Guitar Hero. I can't believe more people aren't bidding for this, but I guess it's because the next gen stuff is more appealing. Well, that means it's more valuable to me and I'm willing to pay more than most.

Anyway, so I thought I would write a Christmas Wish List. I actually don't expect to receive any of these things for Christmas, but they are things I'll be in the process of saving for in the following months/years. Really, it wouldn't even have to be brand new, just newer than I have now. Here it is in quasi-covet level order

1) Blackberry (really anything with a full keyboard and runs on T-Mobile and looks cool, like the G1...I admit I am a bit tempted by the touch screen stuff...)
2) Laptop/netbook (again, it can be used or even just 2 years old; Essentials to me are 2GB Ram, >= 160 MB hard drive, XP, Microsoft Office Suite 2003 but really just need Excel ^_^, DVD/CD RW combo, dual-core processor speed doesn't really matter, integrated graphics card or better, and built in wireless card) - Honestly, that's actually really modest, and I could get a $400 laptop with these bare bones. Been watching this puppy the last couple of days.
3) non-iron shirts from CTshirts.com (they have an AMAZING return policy; would consider Brooks Brothers as well)
4) proper black boots (I'm a New Yorker, I'm a woman, it's essential)
5) Guitar Hero/PS2
6) Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan
7) tailored pant suits
8) Book shelf (mine is literally teetering)
9) Xbox 360 with games
10) Get the back bumper of Gigi fixed
11) Trip to Tokyo
12) Trip to London
13) Trip to Germany to see Summer B

Obviously, with 10-13 I'm reaching into fairy tale land. In general though, life is pretty blessed. I still can't believe I actually OWN a digital camera, and I would have kicked myself if it had cost any more than $200, since I don't really use it that often. It's weird to think that I can basically afford anything with a little saving, but just not everything. It's all about realizing what I want the most.

Being an Immigrant

In regular NPR fashion, WNYC has been doing this Becoming an American series every morning ramping up to Thanksgiving. Obviously, it prompts me to think of the choices I've made to become a citizen in more ways than on paper. This one Indian girl with a very Indian name talked about how even now as an adult she still feels only half-American, despite spending most of her life here. Compounding this with Megan's post on creating a new kind of citizenship, and going to Grace's Korean home for Thanksgiving, serving with a large contingent of Asians at the Bowery Mission on Monday, I've thought about my pinoy-ness at odd moments in recent days.

It's weird to become self-aware of the fact that I am a Pilipina, in my current way of life, it's a bit of a reach. But what's cool about being in the working world, is I really see a lot of normal wage-earning Pilipinos running around, speaking my language, cracking jokes they think no one will hear. It reminds me so much of my parents, and how they're exactly like these folks, most especially since I'm involved in work that my dad precisely used to do. I look at the IT project leader sometimes with his thick accent (not pinoy btw) and I think of my father. This one Finance pinoy manager has a distinctly nasal quality to his English, and I caught up with him on the train once. Turns out, he lives on Long Island, his daughter is a Senior at NYU and will be going to law school. We also talked about Stern summer interns he had hired, one of which was really bratty. We talked about where I was from in the Philippines and the major development that's happened around my childhood home and subdivision, we talked about development around my old Catholic school, what it was like the last time we were there, the new mall, the infamous LRT.

Something the NPR series pointed out for one guy was the fact that most people will assume you're American. That is, if you are assimilated enough. It was weird when I became a citizen and was telling people about it, most people were surprised. Most people don't know how hard and costly it is to become one either. But because I really do have minimal, what I affectionately call, "immigrant moments" where diction or lack of knowledge betray, I seem like a perfectly normal young American. And indeed, I am. Thus, another point of tension part of the wider one of justification and sanctification.

It was hard growing up in Arizona. I had to go through a lot of misunderstandings about my identity. There was this one kid, Ryan (from Alaska..go figure), who seriously, seriously thought I was making up my ethnicity, even after I showed him a 25 centavo coin (probably didn't help that it was gold and has a butterfly on it, making it look token-ish)...until he met my mom (he lived around the block from me) then he was very, very nice to me. His father was an A/C repairer and fixed our central air. A lot of people thought I was Native American, or Mexican, or Hawaiian...rarely would they figure it right the first time. Then there's my blessed name, and people would think I was Greek. My parents seemed like anti-social people and do not, to this day, make friends with my friends' parents. My father is going to go into high stress, if he ever has to meet Ben's parents. It sucks to think I caught a lot of my shy tendencies from this. I'm too different, I'm too complicated, we have so little in common, better not try to bridge the gap. I have really cramped small talk skills. I didn't have a lot of examples of people standing around talking about nothing while their children play. I can't help but make small talk something more serious, otherwise I want to kill myself out of the madness.

Really though, my parents are great people. My father is a hilarious, jolly human being with a amazing servant's heart. My mother is a super empathetic, encouraging person. They both talk endlessly about politics, art, travel, business, and all implications of life. They're intelligent people. But place them in Arizona and I don't think my father specifically has found much community, even after 13 years. He really only talks to the dog, my mother, and sometimes his children. He writes these amazing emails about food, filled with rich history. He really is a great poet, his Tagalog is the deepest I'd ever dare read (he won many speech writing awards in school).

I know this has turned into a I love my parents fest, but really I'm just trying to make a case that being an immigrant makes things complicated, even for fluent English speakers. Arizona was not only so different from the Philippines, but it was a different America from the movies we saw. There are no brownstones, green lawns (except if you specifically look for it), brick houses with long driveways just white stucco, pink buildings, and red mountain landscapes. Nothing was familiar. I found myself constantly grasping for something that I could feel was mine and intimately connected to my identity. Well, duh, of course I know this happens to everyone, as we don't belong in this broken world. I'm just trying to express it in my terms as an immigrant.

Really, this is a process of not forgetting. I need to remember what it was like when I felt so left out of the world, that I thought I and/or God made a mistake. I spent a lot of time waiting for life to be over. I need to remember that Jesus walked the earth feeling exactly what I felt yet even more so, and died for the world anyway and was ultimately on the cross left out of the only community we really want to be in, the Father's. He not only welcomes, He knows. So that whenever I feel distant from things that I once felt intimate with (whether people, hobbies, or culture), whenever I feel like I'm being fake and it's obstructing my connection with people, I know that these are mere shadows of the deepest intimacy I've ever had and that is with my God. It is impossible for me to fake who I am with Him. It's ok for me to be confused about who I am too, since I don't determine that, He does. I always belong anyway, because I belong to Him.

6 months

I realized that I haven't really acknowledged how I've been 6 months out of school now. I already feel like a different person. I think for the first time I'm feeling the first fruits of the transition, with all of its struggles. It doesn't mean I got it all down pat or that I'm perfect or I will never struggle with the meaninglessness and solitude of life again, just that I've been through a lot and it's starting to show in the right ways. I'm making it through by the sheer grace of God, transforming my iniquities for His purposes.

It's a great feeling to have that one of the major transitions in my life is somewhat over. I am a working young adult with a daily routine and I'm on the train 2 hours a day and I read my WSJ that's on my front patio every morning and I worry about the dishes and having a clean bathroom. There's no turning back, I will never be a college student again (b-school will definitely NOT be the same), and for the first time, that's a positive in my mind. Not by stressing the negative of being a student nor the positive of being an adult, just really starting to rest in the fact that I am where I'm at right now because God likes me there, and that's just fine.

The rest of my group left work hours ago, so I'm gonna just go as well. haHA, freedom ftw!

The Great White Way

As if God were granting my wish, Ben and I saw Wicked last night...for free!! That's right free c/o Columbia. I went up to the main campus to meet Ben first in line for the tickets and I realized that the last time I was there was October 2003, when I was terribly sick and didn't even go through the campus tour. And it dawned on me that Ben goes to Columbia...Columbia! What? Weird. Truly the med school is NOT like the main campus at all. A logical debate even ensued while we were in line (about whether a girl was cutting or not). The other girl articulated her argument well, but NYU students would've just put in expletives and a bit more drama and accusation into it.

Anyway, as I was watching the show, I realized that I hadn't seen Wicked since Freshman year. A lot has happened. Which means I didn't really see the show the same way I did before. I remember crying more and generally feeling that real life was unfair. Essentially, thinking the story was completely improbable and had nothing to do with my real life. I think most women who see that show feel empowered, but I just felt like it was all wishful thinking, that I was too weak for it to be true. I was pretty depressing. I think this is the reason why I never really was one of those people who liked to sing or hear Wicked songs. It reminded me of hopelessness, even now.

This time I watched it with a sense of distance and nostalgia. With a sense that, wow, it kinda mirrored the last four years quite nicely. There's facing the core lie, being freed from the bondage of old idols, being loved and accepted for who I really am, making (unexpected) friends, self-doubt and struggle, being given a vision for life, forgiveness, redemption and more. Wicked is a coming of age story, basically, that really happens to parallel my own.

Oh and we saw Equus on Tuesday (this one was paid for and planned). We got seats on stage, so we were the closest we'll probably ever be to Daniel Radcliffe (in case you don't know, he gets completely naked). And it was just so wonderfully good. I can't believe how great it was theologically. Basically talking about how we all need to worship something, to be passionate for something. Ben and I thought how weird it was that BECAUSE we're Christians, we could relate to the crazy 17-year-old better. We recognized our own craziness and depravity in him as well as the desperate need for a Savior. We aren't really "normal" in this broken world.

It's been pretty exhausting. Not only are my sleep patterns messed up, but there's all of that stuff to think about, all stuck in my head with nowhere to go. It feels like it's already Friday today.

Community

I have a habit of not trying too hard to explain myself when I write (why I got a B in Writing the Essay). This may be one of those posts.

This morning, I listened to Coldplay's "A Message". As most of you probably have heard it (I realize I enjoy music in a very isolated fashion and am not quite sure what everyone likes), here's just a snippet.

"My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes on
You don't have to be alone

Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it's so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own"

This morning I was reading this study by Beth Moore (my mom gave me for my birthday) on Jesus - "90 days with the one and only". Today she talked about how gracious God was to Mary. Gabriel didn't only tell her that she was a) going to be pregnant b) that it would be the Son of God, but also mentioned (obviously in Xaris paraphrasing world) c) "b-t-dubbs, your cousin Elizabeth is also having a radical, unexpected, and stigmatizing pregnancy too!" God was paying attention to the personal ramifications Mary was to endure. And after that, Mary goes to visit Elizabeth (who is like 70 miles away or something!) and Elizabeth has nothing but encouragement for her and shares in Mary's wonder.

You don't have to be on your own. Such a wonderful truth.

Ben and I had a "double datesky" with PJ and Gillian last Saturday. It was weird how remarkably blessed I felt by this. We weren't even talking about real deep stuff or insights about life. I can barely remember what we even really talked about or what any specific person said, including myself (which is really freaking odd, because I remember everything usually). Though without words being said outright, the commonality of our situations was so real that it was just a blessing to be in community with them.

Laura has written about this and related topics before (and much more extensively, with books and quotes to back her up ^_^), in obviously different circumstances from me, but what I have to say is similar, just me making my own peace about it. There's something alienating about being committed to another person when one is this young. It's not just about the time and energy that needs to be reallocated to only one person instead of spread to more people, it's also the heart knowledge of another person that uses this as currency. Not that I think my sisters don't know what's going on with me (obviously if you read this blog and talk to me once and awhile, you largely do), but it's just changed. It's not like in high school when I could tell my friends what happened last period. I'm grateful though, that this change obviously coincides with an increase in maturity about giving and receiving intimacy.

One of the greatest spiritual battles of my life has been intimacy and not having it or having too much. Never feeling like I had people in my life who really knew what I was about or trying to be, for most of my life. That obviously changed with the Navigators who freely offered me community. But that was only the beginning. I see now that I spent my college years figuring this out: "Empowerment does not translate to entitlement". Just because I'm given something good, it doesn't mean I deserve it, or can manipulate it to my ends and pleasure. Intimacy is a gift and is something given not taken. Just because we need community, it does not mean we deserve it, or are automatically given one. You cannot force people to be friends with you, just because they showed you they want to be your friend. I think it took me awhile to freaking grow up and realize this. Many of you were victims of this process.

Thank God for boundaries! Kind of like at work, just because these people are invited to a certain type of intimacy with me (the normal everyday type where they see me everyday for most of my waking life, hear me cough and see what I have for lunch) does not mean they have access to my heart. They don't get to ask me what I did last night, unless it's something I had already talked about. I think when our boundaries were disregarded and violated in the past, it's harder to see God's design, or we misinterpret that to be God's design - we either close up desperately building a thick wall of protection or open up for a free for all with no thought as to the dignity of our personhood.

The truth is I need community and am blessed with it. But this stage in life is just far more different than the previous one before it. And just like how I had to get used to the truth that I can't force people to be friends with me. I need to get used to the idea that I'm a woman now, making decisions for myself that have real consequences, and I need to seek out community more than it has come to me (i.e. Mary). And I need to be grateful for what comes and not use it just for myself (i.e. Elizabeth). I don't have to be on my own.

Whew, thanks for letting me process.

I'm just confused

Lynette Lewis, who spoke at the Saturday lunch at Pure, is not the type of woman I thought I'd really, really want to get to know. It's something awful that I do, especially being a business woman. Knowing how successful her credentials were, and how beautiful and made up she was, and the fact that her book is called "Climbing the Ladder in Stilletos". I was majorly, majorly judging. I was thinking, oh this woman is just one of those successful, type A, modern types living it up in NY, who's really shallow (yeah, like I'm so not shallow).

But then she talked about dreams running on all cylinders, and I just started sobbing. I've been getting this feeling recently like God has put me in a position where my dreams are on hold. Well, really I go back and forth. I go from one extreme that God is just withholding any fulfillment of any of my dreams...then I think wait, wait a second, am I that loser who never does anything with her life? Is it God telling me to wait, or is there a need for me to make a decision and be wise? It's so frustrating because I get to the point where I'm even forgetting my dreams..wait, why do I like business, why did I even go to business school, why am I in New York City? Why do I write so many posts on finance? Why do I hope for this world? The answer should be God, but the specifics are made up of dreams that God has given me. God did not put me in this world just to pine for His love, He put me here to change the world and spread His love around.

Brandi Carlisle has this song "Again Today". This is some of it.

"Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

I'm broken down,
not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused"

I think the problem with me is that I don't necessarily think I deserve to be where I'm at, employed, living in an amazing apartment, having loving friends and family. I think it's all by accident, like I just took the path of least resistance, and I'm just gonna keep on trucking that way. Things are never that simple though.

Pure

I realized I didn't really think about the conference much before I had gone. It was just this block of time that I had set apart, and I was content in not knowing of what I would want to happen in that time. It's freeing to be able to approach events like this, no details, no plans, especially when the event delivers.

So I guess that's really what I learned and enjoyed at Pure - freedom. I was free to laugh, cry, talk, sing, dance, jump, knit, and sometimes shout with unusual abandon. I was free to sound foolish, and free to offer wisdom. Free to be alone, free to be surrounded (like literally) by my sisters. Free to be young, free to be old. Free to love, and free to voice hate so as to repent.

Paige Brown had an illustration of a water bottle knocking over and everything spilling on the floor. Why's the water on the floor? Because there was water in the bottle. There are situations in life that cause the bottle to knock over, but whatever ends up on the floor is because it was in the bottle to begin with. Obviously this is a broadly used idea, but the visual of the water all over the floor is compelling to me. So I guess, I felt free and safe enough at Pure to knock the bottle over myself to see, show and discuss what comes out. Seeing that for others as well, some women who I would never have thought I would even totally relate to, was so encouraging.

Maybe this sounds really intense, like counseling, but it wasn't counseling. It was just fellowship. No one was there to fix one another, we were there for the Lord. And it wasn't intense in that stressful way when you're feeling really broken, it was peaceful, calm, rest in the Lord. It helped that all the ladies weren't freaking out and buckling down under the weight of their own sin, they were offering it to God and asking why? Struggling with God instead of themselves.

At so many points, I just felt soooooo loved by God, that I couldn't believe how stupid I was and am and probably will be in not trusting His wisdom, strength, and worthiness. It's been awhile since I've felt so completely vindicated and redeemed. (Another Paige Brown-ism) Looked at the cross and said Am I that bad? YES! Am I that loved? YES!

My life in school had so many seasonal weekends away from the city between all the leadership retreats and Nav retreats. And I think I had forgotten how one weekend can do the work of several months in the Spirit. How Penn State 2004 had set the course for a changed life for me and that was only 3 days, no extended weekend needed. Out of any other retreat I've gone to, I remember the most details from this one, even now. I can't even remember what I did for free time last year in Vermont, but I remember the songs we sang and where I sat for worship at Penn State. I remember I slept in this heavenly, soft bed (probably the best bed I've ever slept in) next to Stephanie D. I remember Dan Brown throwing a pile of leaves on my car (with the windows open) and subsequently losing his wallet, and finding it in the dark later. From then on, my car has always had fall leaves somewhere in it at whatever time of year. I remember Nicole T talking about wanting to be the prince on the white horse and marveling at the thought that some women didn't want men to open the door for them (wtf?). I remember reading Revelations (for Con West) while people were almost dying in caves somewhere. I remember Mike Chen and Tyler being amazed at my mad skillz at lying to them. I remember that the alum and random older people outnumbered the freshmen.

"Pa, paaaaaaa, this is the sound of settling"

I realized that I wish work would be more like The Office. There, nobody seems to be doing any real work (like me) but they're having fun. That's because work isn't part of their identity, more like just something they do. Like brushing your teeth. In a sense, they are the opposite of being fulfilled by the joy and peace of God, but they look a lot closer to it than I am. Finding my true identity is definitely key.

I really like well worded, profound passages. I've been reading Dandelion Wine by: Ray Bradbury. It was in the Sci-fi section of the Library, but I knew that it actually didn't belong there, despite the author's usual genre. It's weirding reading about a 12-year-old boy in the summer of 1928 and his revelations and adventures in a generic small town in Midwestern America, while riding in train after train trying to be an urban professional grown up in a cosmopolitan metropolis. My summer is much different than his. So maybe in a sense it does belong in the sci-fi section...at least for girls trying to be women.

Ray Bradbury has such an exuberant style. It can be pretty ridiculous, but it's kinda like any beautiful over-the-top movie. You have to let your guard down and let the movie move you. Here's something I read today: "He felt the tremble.... Why? But she was bigger, stronger, more intelligent than himself, wasn't she? Did she, too, feel that intangible menace, that groping out of darkness, that crouching malignancy down below? Was there, then, no strength in growing up? No solace in being an adult? No sanctuary in life? No fleshly citadel strong enough to withstand the scrabbling assault of midnights? Doubts flushed him. Ice cream lived again in his throat, stomach, spine, and limbs; he was instantly cold as a wind out of December gone."

This was referring to Tom (10-year-old brother) looking into the utter darkness of a ravine with his mother holding his hand, for the first time truly feeling the fear that drives us all. Of course, I've been reading 1 John lately. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The man who fears is not made perfect in love." - 1 John 4:18

I completely know the answer to the question marks, but I still feel them. "Was there, then, no strength in growing up? No solace in being an adult?" I was also reading Dynamics last night. And it was a part where he was talking about the Holy Spirit and the lack thereof in the church. (Reading this books reminds me of why professors asked us to write about every frickin' thing. It's to learn how to relate information and shape it as our own. But now that I have to do it, it's so hard to really do it right.) He made an interesting point that the Holy Spirit is like being face to face with God, all the time. ALL THE TIME, face to face, YOU and GOD. After that I read some Puritan prayers about the Holy Spirit. Obviously, I've been having good times with the thought.

This whole post is the makings of a 10 page paper. But without all the connecting paragraphs, thoughts, and quotes, it may seem like they really have nothing to do with each other...that's slightly frustrating. But I'll try to refrain from (and prevent any possible joy to my Writing the Essay professor) the thought that I wish I could write this paper...that's just ridiculous, Xaris, really!