Ben and I recently started this Redeemer class called on the "Psalms of David" which is taught by Marty Young, a ridic teacher. I've never had access to someone who could give a satisfying answer to a gamut of hard questions about the Bible. I've taken a few of his classes before on "Becoming Wise" which is about wisdom literature in the Bible and the "Resurrection" which changed the way I thought about the Resurrection. Mainly, I've come to really appreciate his classes because of both the structure and chaos it brings. Structure because there is at least a certain area we can talk about, but chaos in how surprising it is, and how it makes me think, WOW, I don't really know God or the Word at all do I?! Sometimes you really need that jolt of reality that really communicates the raw offensiveness of the Word of God for sinners like us. If it stops being offensive, I've made a false god that molds to my thoughts and wants instead of the real God who challenges my idols and molds me to His image (WHOA!).
Anyhoo, so Marty talked about how Biblical prayer is not praying for things or means to things, it's all about praying for the will of God. When we pray for something, what exactly are we praying for? What is the object of my prayer? Is the object of my prayer God? To be quite honest, I RARELY pray because of God. Most of the time, I'm praying because I feel bad and I want to feel good again. It was so convicting seeing how rampant this was in my life. For example, I may be praying for work or wisdom at my job, but why? For His glory? NO usually it's for my own glory, so that I get a promotion and a bonus down the road, so that I can feel like I'm doing something. Even asking for absolutely good things like an apartment for Ben and I, or good weather on our wedding day is not Biblical if the reason behind it is for my own comfort, joy, peace, etc. Which absolutely makes sense if you sat down and thought about it, but I am so blind to the dealings of my heart. Do I really love God for God, which is the love God asks for, or do I love Him because of the stuff I get out of Him? Do I love God because He is good, or is it because He's good to me?
Loving God because He's good to me is not a bad thing of course, it just shouldn't be the only reason why. How weird would it be to say that I love Ben because of all the things he does for me, but never really pay attention to who he is and what he likes and loves?
Now, Marty said something regarding these un-Biblical prayers, that I don't know what to think about quite yet. He said that they are all unheard, not just unanswered, but unheard. His reasoning was that because God is so holy, he doesn't let things that are not holy into his presence. However, I think about how the Holy Spirit is our intercessor, and our prayers are heard through faith in Christ Jesus who is most righteous and holy. I wish he had given some more backing to this, but then, no one really pushed him on this issue (probably because everyone was feeling the conviction of what he just said about 90% of the prayers out there), and I hope it comes up again.
To further this point though, I think the main thing is just recognizing that even our very prayers are inadequate and are like dirty rags before the Father. But because the Son has died and rose again on our behalf, His righteousness is upon us and we must rely on Him for all things. We need to pray for His will to be done, not ours.
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Friday, September 25, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
God's working on it, seriously!
"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." - Galileo
I got this from one of those Committed to Freedom emails I get. I like how the quote highlights the fact that once you've found it, you've found it. I think I waste a lot of time running in circles instead of being in active discovery. The times when I'm most confused are usually the times I feel most far away from God. Nevermind that he's promised to be always there, literally over and over and over again (Genesis 5:18, Isaiah 49:15-16, Psalm 6:9, Psalm 91:15, etc.) but emotions kind of take over as if it were reality. I think amidst all this confusion, it's really easy to forget what you're looking for. What's the point of your sorrow? It shouldn't be wasted in despair and fear, but be used to create the fruit of the Spirit within us. This fruit can only be granted by God. Oftentimes though, I don't even ask for the fruit, I ask for an explanation, thinking this will relieve the confusion. But God doesn't want me to rely on myself, He wants me to be utterly dependent on Him, because that is my true identity. There is no other complete and wise Xaris but the one who abides in Jesus Christ.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." - James 1:2-8
I got this from one of those Committed to Freedom emails I get. I like how the quote highlights the fact that once you've found it, you've found it. I think I waste a lot of time running in circles instead of being in active discovery. The times when I'm most confused are usually the times I feel most far away from God. Nevermind that he's promised to be always there, literally over and over and over again (Genesis 5:18, Isaiah 49:15-16, Psalm 6:9, Psalm 91:15, etc.) but emotions kind of take over as if it were reality. I think amidst all this confusion, it's really easy to forget what you're looking for. What's the point of your sorrow? It shouldn't be wasted in despair and fear, but be used to create the fruit of the Spirit within us. This fruit can only be granted by God. Oftentimes though, I don't even ask for the fruit, I ask for an explanation, thinking this will relieve the confusion. But God doesn't want me to rely on myself, He wants me to be utterly dependent on Him, because that is my true identity. There is no other complete and wise Xaris but the one who abides in Jesus Christ.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." - James 1:2-8
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
More From Mr. Owen
From Chapter 7: "The mind and soul is taken up about that which is not the man's proper business, and so he is diverted from that which is so. God lays hold by his word and judgements on some sin in him, galls his conscience, disquiets his heart, deprives him of his rest; now other diversions will not serve his turn; he must apply himself to the work before him. The business in hand being to awake the whole man unto a consideration of the state and condition wherein he is, that he might be brought home to God, instead hereof he sets himself to mortify the sin that galls him -- which is a pure issue of self-love, to be freed from his trouble, and not at all to the work he is called unto, -- and so it diverted from it...are men diverted from coming unto God by the most glorious ways that they can fix upon to come to ruin their own souls. I wish that some whose trade it is to daub with untempered mortar in the things of God did not teach this deceit, what ofttimes are they directed unto, when their consciences are galled by sin and disquietment from the Lord, who hath laid hold upon them? Is not a relinquishment of the sin, as to practice, that they are, in some fruits of it, perplexed withal, and making head against it, the sum of what they apply themselves unto? and is not the gospel end of their convictions lost thereby? Here men abide and perish."
It's like the Elder son, redux. I don't think I've ever heard/read this point so effectively laid out and so precisely communicated anywhere else. And it's not bound into the fluffy Prodigal Son parable. The idea of "Elder son" is a lot easier to throw around than the full out rebellion, deceit and uselessness that the idea is pointing at. AHH so much truth!
It's like the Elder son, redux. I don't think I've ever heard/read this point so effectively laid out and so precisely communicated anywhere else. And it's not bound into the fluffy Prodigal Son parable. The idea of "Elder son" is a lot easier to throw around than the full out rebellion, deceit and uselessness that the idea is pointing at. AHH so much truth!
Monday, March 2, 2009
I knew I was wrong
If you ever feel like you've got things handled, just read Mortification of Sin, and you'll quickly see the truth.
"Men that are sick and wounded under the power of lust make many applications for help; they cry to God when the perplexity of their thoughts overwhelms them, even to God do they cry, but are not delivered; in vain do they use many remedies, -- "they shall not be healed." So, Hos. 5:13, "Ephraim saw his sickness, and Judah his wound," and attempted sundry remedies: nothing will do until they come (verse 15) to "acknowledge their offence." Men may see their sickness and wounds, but yet, if they make not due applications, their cure will not be effected."
AND
"I think I need not say [mortification of sin] is not the dissimulation of a sin. When a man on some outward respects forsakes the practice of any sin, men perhaps may look on him as a changed man. God knows that to his former iniquity he hath added cursed hypocrisy, and is got in a safer path to hell than he was in before. He hath got another heart than he had, that is more cunning; not a new heart, that is more holy."
Well, crap. I simultaneously feel lazy with what I know I should do and busy with things that don't matter. It's truly amazing how it's showing me how truth is actually within me. As I read things, I know I knew it before. Almost as if I was waiting for him to write it out for me. But then once it's written out, BAM, oh right, I knew that. God's truth truly is sprinkled in the hearts of men (in Romans somewhere right?).
"Men that are sick and wounded under the power of lust make many applications for help; they cry to God when the perplexity of their thoughts overwhelms them, even to God do they cry, but are not delivered; in vain do they use many remedies, -- "they shall not be healed." So, Hos. 5:13, "Ephraim saw his sickness, and Judah his wound," and attempted sundry remedies: nothing will do until they come (verse 15) to "acknowledge their offence." Men may see their sickness and wounds, but yet, if they make not due applications, their cure will not be effected."
AND
"I think I need not say [mortification of sin] is not the dissimulation of a sin. When a man on some outward respects forsakes the practice of any sin, men perhaps may look on him as a changed man. God knows that to his former iniquity he hath added cursed hypocrisy, and is got in a safer path to hell than he was in before. He hath got another heart than he had, that is more cunning; not a new heart, that is more holy."
Well, crap. I simultaneously feel lazy with what I know I should do and busy with things that don't matter. It's truly amazing how it's showing me how truth is actually within me. As I read things, I know I knew it before. Almost as if I was waiting for him to write it out for me. But then once it's written out, BAM, oh right, I knew that. God's truth truly is sprinkled in the hearts of men (in Romans somewhere right?).
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Happiness is...
Ben and I made it to the new Jollibee by Little Manila in Queens last Saturday!!! Only, there was a long ass line so we didn't get to go in. BUT, I am insanely excited to have one so close to me for it is like the article says, Filipino soul food.
We also saw He's Just Not That Into You.....and oh my goodness, I never thought a secular chick flick could get it so close to the truth. Something that what said several times was something like, "If a guy wants to date you, he'll do anything he can to make it happen. If not, then get over it and move on." Such a simple idea, but sooooooo many implications. Seriously, what a frustrating problem of idolatry. The statement is simplistic and doesn't really offer much hope. But I think it was when I realized that this is a practical way to guard my heart, that I was free to love God more, to seek Him more. I figured out that if I didn't get confirmation of interest that I wasn't playing that emotional dating game anymore. No more phone calls, no more exclusivity, no more drama. And OMG, amidst the emotional anxiety and counseling, I just didn't need it. I'm not saying I'm not as crazy as Gigi (who is awkward in her desperation and needy-ness) anymore, because I very much back slide all the time, I'm saying if Jesus is my hope and my salvation, my sanctification is on track and I ain't so crazy all the friggin' time. Cause honestly, that's always a very real and weighty question. Is Jesus my Lord and Savior? It never goes away, single, dating or married. So basically, the movie lays out some basic truths that all modern, young women should think about.
We also saw He's Just Not That Into You.....and oh my goodness, I never thought a secular chick flick could get it so close to the truth. Something that what said several times was something like, "If a guy wants to date you, he'll do anything he can to make it happen. If not, then get over it and move on." Such a simple idea, but sooooooo many implications. Seriously, what a frustrating problem of idolatry. The statement is simplistic and doesn't really offer much hope. But I think it was when I realized that this is a practical way to guard my heart, that I was free to love God more, to seek Him more. I figured out that if I didn't get confirmation of interest that I wasn't playing that emotional dating game anymore. No more phone calls, no more exclusivity, no more drama. And OMG, amidst the emotional anxiety and counseling, I just didn't need it. I'm not saying I'm not as crazy as Gigi (who is awkward in her desperation and needy-ness) anymore, because I very much back slide all the time, I'm saying if Jesus is my hope and my salvation, my sanctification is on track and I ain't so crazy all the friggin' time. Cause honestly, that's always a very real and weighty question. Is Jesus my Lord and Savior? It never goes away, single, dating or married. So basically, the movie lays out some basic truths that all modern, young women should think about.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Emo-ish Music
For several reasons, I guess certain areas of growth (and non-growth..womp,womp) have been coming to mind more frequently. The last few months I've been thinking about anxiety as a sin. Connected to that, despairing and fear as sin. Sin here being defined as walking away from God, since at any given moment, you are either walking towards or away from Him. Everyone floats somewhere, as Paige Brown said. All these thoughts and feelings of anxiety and despiar are expressed from a loss of belief in God's sovereignty and goodness. Of course it's a given that everyone feels these things, and living in denial of fear is even worse than actually acknowledging it, but I always try to go by the quote at the top of this blog and try to describe and define instead of just praise and dispraise. Anyway, moving on.
I've been anxious all my life and quite prone to despair. It lead to complex behavioral ways of coping, addiction being a main ingredient. But as I continually smack into the reality of God, the truth of His love and salvation has molded me into something a bit more like what I should be.
Music has played a major role in my understanding of this process. Being the deep feeler that I am, I like to listen to emotionally charged music.
Like Nicole Nordeman - "Anyway" :
"Every layer of mine hides a lovely design, it might take a little patience, it might take a little time, but you called me BEAUTIFUL, when you saw my shame. And you placed me on the wall, anyway."
I thought a lot about surrender my Freshman year, since it was clearly what I had to do. And I was finding the joy and healing in the pain of being utterly gross, but not held responsible for it.
Mute Math "Control":
"There's no better loss than to lose myself in you."
"Take control of the atmosphere, there is no reason I should breathe, unless you're in the air."
Then I started to realize that there's more to it than what it means for me. The beauty of justification and sanctification is it's more than just making me better, it's making me better for human flourishing for the Glory of God. But what does a loss of control really mean then if it's not just skydiving into an oblivion, but becoming Christ-like and engaging in the world? You can lose control in a lot of ways, and all equally destructive, but there's only one way that leads to life.
Everyone knows the ubiquitous Spiderman 2 theme song from Dashboard Confessional - "Vindicated"
"Slip away against the current."
Much like the Spiderman movie, true salvation is more than self-redemption but world redemption. Everything is not just going to be right with you, but also with this world that God has created; and we as the Church have something to do with that Kingdom work.
It's amazing how I listened to these songs so much a few years ago, to comfort my despairing heart. But it's getting easier to see the truth that I shouldn't even be worried at all. That there are so many reasons in Christ to be hopeful always.
Here's a quote from Brothers Karamazov. The "elder" is speaking to this woman filled with guilt and fear: "Don't be afraid of anything, ever. And do not grieve. As long as your repentance does not weaken, God will forgive everything. There is not - there cannot be - a sin on earth that God will not forgive the truly repentant. Why, a man cannot a sin so great as to exhaust the infinite love of God. How could there be a sin that would surpass the love of God? Think only of repentance, all the time, and drive away all fear. Have faith that God loves you, sinful as you are and, indeed, because of your sin. It was said long ago that there is more joy in heaven over one repentant sinner than over ten righteous men. Go now, and fear nothing. Do not be offended if people treat you badly. Do not hold it against them. And forgive your departed husband all the harm he did you. Become truly reconciled with him. For if you repent, you love, and if you love, you are with God. Love redeems and saves everything...Love is such an infinite treasure it can buy the whole world and can redeem not only your sins, but the sins of all people. So go and fear no more." FEAR NO MORE!
I've mentioned how much I love Brett Dennen - "Darlin' Do Not Fear"
"The confidence is full as your faith etched in stone
and neither could comfort you from the wild unknown
So bury your burning hatred like a hatchet in the snow
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know.
If you have a broken heart or a battered soul
Find something to hold on to or to let go
to help you through the hard nights like a flask filled with hope
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
'cause it won't last - your worries will pass" --> Damn, this whole song is quotable.
"I fear no evil, for you are with me. Strong to deliver, mighty to save." - Got this from a song too, but it's in the Psalms right?
Yet again, I think reading this post can make peopel think it's a hodge-podge. But really it's all about finding happiness, hope, love, and peace in the abounding grace of God. At the Redeemer interview I was reminded over and over about my name and what it means. And how it's what I should be giving to other people, Xaris (grace, that which gives joy), me becoming my true self in Jesus.
It would be overwhelming, if not for xaris being given to me. I've always wanted to do a post like this with a sprinkling of songs that have changed my life, and have grown me and shown me the truth in the Gospel. And it's always good to not hide from where you've been and to see the power and glory of God already shown in you.
"You've come far and though you're far from the end, you don't mind where you are 'cause you know where you've been." - Carbon Leaf - "Let Your Troubles Roll By"
I've been anxious all my life and quite prone to despair. It lead to complex behavioral ways of coping, addiction being a main ingredient. But as I continually smack into the reality of God, the truth of His love and salvation has molded me into something a bit more like what I should be.
Music has played a major role in my understanding of this process. Being the deep feeler that I am, I like to listen to emotionally charged music.
Like Nicole Nordeman - "Anyway" :
"Every layer of mine hides a lovely design, it might take a little patience, it might take a little time, but you called me BEAUTIFUL, when you saw my shame. And you placed me on the wall, anyway."
I thought a lot about surrender my Freshman year, since it was clearly what I had to do. And I was finding the joy and healing in the pain of being utterly gross, but not held responsible for it.
Mute Math "Control":
"There's no better loss than to lose myself in you."
"Take control of the atmosphere, there is no reason I should breathe, unless you're in the air."
Then I started to realize that there's more to it than what it means for me. The beauty of justification and sanctification is it's more than just making me better, it's making me better for human flourishing for the Glory of God. But what does a loss of control really mean then if it's not just skydiving into an oblivion, but becoming Christ-like and engaging in the world? You can lose control in a lot of ways, and all equally destructive, but there's only one way that leads to life.
Everyone knows the ubiquitous Spiderman 2 theme song from Dashboard Confessional - "Vindicated"
"Slip away against the current."
Much like the Spiderman movie, true salvation is more than self-redemption but world redemption. Everything is not just going to be right with you, but also with this world that God has created; and we as the Church have something to do with that Kingdom work.
It's amazing how I listened to these songs so much a few years ago, to comfort my despairing heart. But it's getting easier to see the truth that I shouldn't even be worried at all. That there are so many reasons in Christ to be hopeful always.
Here's a quote from Brothers Karamazov. The "elder" is speaking to this woman filled with guilt and fear: "Don't be afraid of anything, ever. And do not grieve. As long as your repentance does not weaken, God will forgive everything. There is not - there cannot be - a sin on earth that God will not forgive the truly repentant. Why, a man cannot a sin so great as to exhaust the infinite love of God. How could there be a sin that would surpass the love of God? Think only of repentance, all the time, and drive away all fear. Have faith that God loves you, sinful as you are and, indeed, because of your sin. It was said long ago that there is more joy in heaven over one repentant sinner than over ten righteous men. Go now, and fear nothing. Do not be offended if people treat you badly. Do not hold it against them. And forgive your departed husband all the harm he did you. Become truly reconciled with him. For if you repent, you love, and if you love, you are with God. Love redeems and saves everything...Love is such an infinite treasure it can buy the whole world and can redeem not only your sins, but the sins of all people. So go and fear no more." FEAR NO MORE!
I've mentioned how much I love Brett Dennen - "Darlin' Do Not Fear"
"The confidence is full as your faith etched in stone
and neither could comfort you from the wild unknown
So bury your burning hatred like a hatchet in the snow
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know.
If you have a broken heart or a battered soul
Find something to hold on to or to let go
to help you through the hard nights like a flask filled with hope
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
'cause it won't last - your worries will pass" --> Damn, this whole song is quotable.
"I fear no evil, for you are with me. Strong to deliver, mighty to save." - Got this from a song too, but it's in the Psalms right?
Yet again, I think reading this post can make peopel think it's a hodge-podge. But really it's all about finding happiness, hope, love, and peace in the abounding grace of God. At the Redeemer interview I was reminded over and over about my name and what it means. And how it's what I should be giving to other people, Xaris (grace, that which gives joy), me becoming my true self in Jesus.
It would be overwhelming, if not for xaris being given to me. I've always wanted to do a post like this with a sprinkling of songs that have changed my life, and have grown me and shown me the truth in the Gospel. And it's always good to not hide from where you've been and to see the power and glory of God already shown in you.
"You've come far and though you're far from the end, you don't mind where you are 'cause you know where you've been." - Carbon Leaf - "Let Your Troubles Roll By"
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Another I-love-God-so-much-I-need-to-repent fest
BAH work...I thought I'd write this out while I have the chance.
I wish I could like tell them I'm busy because I'm writing my post for the day. Here's how the conversation would go:
Dave: Xaris, are you ready to come over?
Xaris: Wait, I'm working on something right now.
Dave: ...what is it?
Xaris: Oh, you know, my blog. I really need to get this done by COB today.
Dave:.....oh....
HAHA! Yes, that is how it will happen. I'm soooo professional. Here's my professional photo to prove it.
Anyway, I started getting a little bit...well a lot anxious this morning. And then with all this between Hebrews, Jonathan Edwards, the Five Points of Calvinism, Brothers Karamazov and repentance...I just started to do that thing you're supposed to do when you despair. I started thinking about how much God loves me and how He looks at me and is totally psyched that I'm in His family. I started thinking about how excited He must be to make not only the failures within me right, but the failures done to me, and the failures that affect my loved ones and enemies...make all that hot mess clean, pure, good. How the Second Coming really is going to be wonderful, and everything that is happening right now has something to do with that ultimate transition. That if Jesus died for my total grossness, He must've thought it was worth it. Well, if He thinks it's worth it, then I should respond in gratitude working through problems and embracing them with joy instead of working around or over them and/or closing my eyes bracing for the end of it. I still felt worried, but I started to think "Oh, this is what hope is." In a sense it doesn't matter what I feel, because once I start to obey, my heart follows my head.
I think many times I feel wrong, just wrong. And I can either take it on myself and think about all the ways I'm selfish, self-absorbed, in denial, evil, dark, destructive, depraved...or I can bring it to my High Priest who goes beyond the veil and sacrifices Himself for me. He is gracious, righteous, all-knowing, good, light, regenerative, redemptive...I put on that wedding dress and run down the aisle to Him.
"During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek." - Hebrews 5:7-10
I wish I could like tell them I'm busy because I'm writing my post for the day. Here's how the conversation would go:
Dave: Xaris, are you ready to come over?
Xaris: Wait, I'm working on something right now.
Dave: ...what is it?
Xaris: Oh, you know, my blog. I really need to get this done by COB today.
Dave:.....oh....
HAHA! Yes, that is how it will happen. I'm soooo professional. Here's my professional photo to prove it.
Anyway, I started getting a little bit...well a lot anxious this morning. And then with all this between Hebrews, Jonathan Edwards, the Five Points of Calvinism, Brothers Karamazov and repentance...I just started to do that thing you're supposed to do when you despair. I started thinking about how much God loves me and how He looks at me and is totally psyched that I'm in His family. I started thinking about how excited He must be to make not only the failures within me right, but the failures done to me, and the failures that affect my loved ones and enemies...make all that hot mess clean, pure, good. How the Second Coming really is going to be wonderful, and everything that is happening right now has something to do with that ultimate transition. That if Jesus died for my total grossness, He must've thought it was worth it. Well, if He thinks it's worth it, then I should respond in gratitude working through problems and embracing them with joy instead of working around or over them and/or closing my eyes bracing for the end of it. I still felt worried, but I started to think "Oh, this is what hope is." In a sense it doesn't matter what I feel, because once I start to obey, my heart follows my head.
I think many times I feel wrong, just wrong. And I can either take it on myself and think about all the ways I'm selfish, self-absorbed, in denial, evil, dark, destructive, depraved...or I can bring it to my High Priest who goes beyond the veil and sacrifices Himself for me. He is gracious, righteous, all-knowing, good, light, regenerative, redemptive...I put on that wedding dress and run down the aisle to Him.
"During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek." - Hebrews 5:7-10
Friday, January 23, 2009
Dostoevsky leaves me in a weird mood
So I started thinking about business school today. I started thinking about how fun it would be to get an MBA. I looked it up on the Stern site and it looks like a pretty easy application (need to round up some recommendations, but hopefully that would be naturally accumulated while I'm working through the years). They have this super flexible program (you can finish the program weeknights or Saturdays) that can be done anywhere from 2 to 6 years, 60 credits. It would cost around $90,000 overall I think. It just sounds cool too. I'm not always entirely sure of the reasons why I would do such a thing, but I'm told you'll know when it just makes sense to do that. I looked at the curriculum and of course it had very similar names to all my Stern core classes. That'd be pretty wild to go back to again. Maybe it'll be easier, or even better taught considering the well known, nobel laureate profs who teach the grad school level.
I've been thinking about goals too. I need to write up some goals for myself at work, pertaining to the next 6 months (until the mid-year review). I haven't even started at all. It's pretty scary to be kept accountable like that. What was interesting about the Stern application was the whole idea of writing about what my short-term and long-term goals were and how an part-time MBA would help me get there.
I used to have some substantial goals. At least, I think I did. It's weird not to have any...well, it's weird to be faced with the fact that people expect me to have goals and find that I don't have much. I guess, sometimes I fear my resume doesn't really match my personality or my priorities. I just like business, theology, having fun, cute things. I'm not out to change the world in any particular way, though I imagine that would happen somewhat, just because I serve God.
When I came back home from vacation, I went to Jersey to pick up my car. This usually involves a quick hello/goodbye with uncles, but my aunt happened to be the only person available for me to pick up the keys and of course she wanted to feed me and talk to me. She's really easy to talk to and has had an interesting life. She used to be a head nurse for critical care (like emergency room stuff), then she retired and started working in the IT/Compliance sphere of financial institutions.
Anyway, we naturally started talking about Ben. She said, "That's going to take a loooong time, honey. He won't be a doctor for 10 years"...blah, blah, blah. I found it interesting that 1)She felt that was somehow connected to me, when I'm obviously not the one in med school and 2)That this fact would matter and that I bemoan the idea. I guess this particular view of life (a view my mother shares I found) just catches me off guard. The view that there is a particular time and place and situation in life when you've finally arrived. When it's finally all done.
I guess I feel this way because I've very, very recently gone through a place in life where that was supposed to be the case ("Now, I'm an adult." "Now, I am financially independent."). So don't get me wrong, I understand where this is coming from, and have definitely thought that finishing school was connected to "arriving". But I just want to point out how silly this is if you're a Christian. I couldn't help thinking, why should it matter how long something takes? Most especially if it's something you can't even control. Actually, we can't really control most things.
I just think about my own life and how young I am and how much will be happening in the next 60 years or so (or shorter...the Pauline in me is rooting for shorter). I'm under the impression that if things are gonna take that long, then I shouldn't be so worried about where I'll be and how long it takes because I know God is with me and that I am with Him. You know, "Tomorrow will worry about itself" kind of stuff.
Of course, I think about decisions I'm going to have to make, etc. Hopefully, ya'll know me well enough to know how seriously I do take life and doing the 1 John walking in the light things. But whatever decision I make and however much I screw up or succeed, there is so much to be grateful for and be happy about.
So I've started reading The Brothers Karamazov (finally!) and been loving it. Good quote that has guided this post:
"Even if it is not given to you to achieve happiness, you must always remember that you are on the right path and you must try not to stray from it. Above all, avoid lying, especially lying to yourself. Keep watching out for your lies, watch for them every hour, every minute. Also avoid disgust, both for others and for yourself: whatever strikes you as disgusting within yourself is cleansed by the mere fact that you notice it. Avoid fear too, although fear is really only a consequence of lies. Never be afraid of your petty selfishness when you try to achieve love, and don't be too alarmed if you act badly on occasion. I'm sorry I cannot tell you anything more reassuring. A true act of love, unlike imaginary love, is hard and forbidding. Imaginary love yearns for an immediate heroic act that is achieved quickly and seen by everyone. People may actually reach a point where they are willing to sacrifice their lives, as long as the ordeal doesn't last too long, is quickly over - just like on the stage, with the public watching and admiring. A true act of love, on the other hand requires hard work and patience, and, for some, it is a whole way of life. But I predict that at the very moment when you see despairingly that, despite all your efforts, you have not only failed to come closer to your goal but, indeed, seem even farther from it than ever - at that very moment, you will have achieved your goal and will recognize the miraculous power of our Lord, who has always loved you and has secretly guided you along."
I like how he says, "I'm sorry I cannot tell you anything more reassuring" and then continues on with the real spiritual meat. What could be more reassuring than God's unconditional love?!?! Tell me, WHAT?!
Me and some peeps are off to the Redeemer Winter Getaway this weekend. Hurrah! I hope I won't freeze to death and that the roads are clear.
I've been thinking about goals too. I need to write up some goals for myself at work, pertaining to the next 6 months (until the mid-year review). I haven't even started at all. It's pretty scary to be kept accountable like that. What was interesting about the Stern application was the whole idea of writing about what my short-term and long-term goals were and how an part-time MBA would help me get there.
I used to have some substantial goals. At least, I think I did. It's weird not to have any...well, it's weird to be faced with the fact that people expect me to have goals and find that I don't have much. I guess, sometimes I fear my resume doesn't really match my personality or my priorities. I just like business, theology, having fun, cute things. I'm not out to change the world in any particular way, though I imagine that would happen somewhat, just because I serve God.
When I came back home from vacation, I went to Jersey to pick up my car. This usually involves a quick hello/goodbye with uncles, but my aunt happened to be the only person available for me to pick up the keys and of course she wanted to feed me and talk to me. She's really easy to talk to and has had an interesting life. She used to be a head nurse for critical care (like emergency room stuff), then she retired and started working in the IT/Compliance sphere of financial institutions.
Anyway, we naturally started talking about Ben. She said, "That's going to take a loooong time, honey. He won't be a doctor for 10 years"...blah, blah, blah. I found it interesting that 1)She felt that was somehow connected to me, when I'm obviously not the one in med school and 2)That this fact would matter and that I bemoan the idea. I guess this particular view of life (a view my mother shares I found) just catches me off guard. The view that there is a particular time and place and situation in life when you've finally arrived. When it's finally all done.
I guess I feel this way because I've very, very recently gone through a place in life where that was supposed to be the case ("Now, I'm an adult." "Now, I am financially independent."). So don't get me wrong, I understand where this is coming from, and have definitely thought that finishing school was connected to "arriving". But I just want to point out how silly this is if you're a Christian. I couldn't help thinking, why should it matter how long something takes? Most especially if it's something you can't even control. Actually, we can't really control most things.
I just think about my own life and how young I am and how much will be happening in the next 60 years or so (or shorter...the Pauline in me is rooting for shorter). I'm under the impression that if things are gonna take that long, then I shouldn't be so worried about where I'll be and how long it takes because I know God is with me and that I am with Him. You know, "Tomorrow will worry about itself" kind of stuff.
Of course, I think about decisions I'm going to have to make, etc. Hopefully, ya'll know me well enough to know how seriously I do take life and doing the 1 John walking in the light things. But whatever decision I make and however much I screw up or succeed, there is so much to be grateful for and be happy about.
So I've started reading The Brothers Karamazov (finally!) and been loving it. Good quote that has guided this post:
"Even if it is not given to you to achieve happiness, you must always remember that you are on the right path and you must try not to stray from it. Above all, avoid lying, especially lying to yourself. Keep watching out for your lies, watch for them every hour, every minute. Also avoid disgust, both for others and for yourself: whatever strikes you as disgusting within yourself is cleansed by the mere fact that you notice it. Avoid fear too, although fear is really only a consequence of lies. Never be afraid of your petty selfishness when you try to achieve love, and don't be too alarmed if you act badly on occasion. I'm sorry I cannot tell you anything more reassuring. A true act of love, unlike imaginary love, is hard and forbidding. Imaginary love yearns for an immediate heroic act that is achieved quickly and seen by everyone. People may actually reach a point where they are willing to sacrifice their lives, as long as the ordeal doesn't last too long, is quickly over - just like on the stage, with the public watching and admiring. A true act of love, on the other hand requires hard work and patience, and, for some, it is a whole way of life. But I predict that at the very moment when you see despairingly that, despite all your efforts, you have not only failed to come closer to your goal but, indeed, seem even farther from it than ever - at that very moment, you will have achieved your goal and will recognize the miraculous power of our Lord, who has always loved you and has secretly guided you along."
I like how he says, "I'm sorry I cannot tell you anything more reassuring" and then continues on with the real spiritual meat. What could be more reassuring than God's unconditional love?!?! Tell me, WHAT?!
Me and some peeps are off to the Redeemer Winter Getaway this weekend. Hurrah! I hope I won't freeze to death and that the roads are clear.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Some Art
Ben and I went to the 9:15 Redeemer yesterday because it was a Lessons & Carols service (btw, they do have mini-muffins, but they don't have apple juice!). This was on the cover of the bulletin. I thought it was really funny because of how it looked, but it made me wish I could have that voice-over like they do in the History channel that quickly explains to me why the faces look the way they do. Haha, I just think it's so funny. Mary's like catching Jesus like a football or something OR pointing at the sleeping Joseph in exasperation. And look at the angel who looks like it's just going "Tada, Christmas..." I would've done captions, but there's something about really old art that you just don't want to tarnish. You gotta respect things that are old (it's from the 1200s).
This on the other hand is not that old at all. I've mentioned this piece before, having quoted the phrase on it "Empowerment cannot be translated as entitlement" I first saw it at the MoMA, but turns out it's actually a functional bookshelf for OneStar Press books that the MoMA (obvi) bought. I don't actually know what these books are about or who writes them, but I really like the idea of the book shelf. Somehow it really communicates the power of books and education in general. I put the picture of it in the background of my phone, and it has served as an occasionally edifying reminder.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Community
I have a habit of not trying too hard to explain myself when I write (why I got a B in Writing the Essay). This may be one of those posts.
This morning, I listened to Coldplay's "A Message". As most of you probably have heard it (I realize I enjoy music in a very isolated fashion and am not quite sure what everyone likes), here's just a snippet.
"My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes on
You don't have to be alone
Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it's so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own"
This morning I was reading this study by Beth Moore (my mom gave me for my birthday) on Jesus - "90 days with the one and only". Today she talked about how gracious God was to Mary. Gabriel didn't only tell her that she was a) going to be pregnant b) that it would be the Son of God, but also mentioned (obviously in Xaris paraphrasing world) c) "b-t-dubbs, your cousin Elizabeth is also having a radical, unexpected, and stigmatizing pregnancy too!" God was paying attention to the personal ramifications Mary was to endure. And after that, Mary goes to visit Elizabeth (who is like 70 miles away or something!) and Elizabeth has nothing but encouragement for her and shares in Mary's wonder.
You don't have to be on your own. Such a wonderful truth.
Ben and I had a "double datesky" with PJ and Gillian last Saturday. It was weird how remarkably blessed I felt by this. We weren't even talking about real deep stuff or insights about life. I can barely remember what we even really talked about or what any specific person said, including myself (which is really freaking odd, because I remember everything usually). Though without words being said outright, the commonality of our situations was so real that it was just a blessing to be in community with them.
Laura has written about this and related topics before (and much more extensively, with books and quotes to back her up ^_^), in obviously different circumstances from me, but what I have to say is similar, just me making my own peace about it. There's something alienating about being committed to another person when one is this young. It's not just about the time and energy that needs to be reallocated to only one person instead of spread to more people, it's also the heart knowledge of another person that uses this as currency. Not that I think my sisters don't know what's going on with me (obviously if you read this blog and talk to me once and awhile, you largely do), but it's just changed. It's not like in high school when I could tell my friends what happened last period. I'm grateful though, that this change obviously coincides with an increase in maturity about giving and receiving intimacy.
One of the greatest spiritual battles of my life has been intimacy and not having it or having too much. Never feeling like I had people in my life who really knew what I was about or trying to be, for most of my life. That obviously changed with the Navigators who freely offered me community. But that was only the beginning. I see now that I spent my college years figuring this out: "Empowerment does not translate to entitlement". Just because I'm given something good, it doesn't mean I deserve it, or can manipulate it to my ends and pleasure. Intimacy is a gift and is something given not taken. Just because we need community, it does not mean we deserve it, or are automatically given one. You cannot force people to be friends with you, just because they showed you they want to be your friend. I think it took me awhile to freaking grow up and realize this. Many of you were victims of this process.
Thank God for boundaries! Kind of like at work, just because these people are invited to a certain type of intimacy with me (the normal everyday type where they see me everyday for most of my waking life, hear me cough and see what I have for lunch) does not mean they have access to my heart. They don't get to ask me what I did last night, unless it's something I had already talked about. I think when our boundaries were disregarded and violated in the past, it's harder to see God's design, or we misinterpret that to be God's design - we either close up desperately building a thick wall of protection or open up for a free for all with no thought as to the dignity of our personhood.
The truth is I need community and am blessed with it. But this stage in life is just far more different than the previous one before it. And just like how I had to get used to the truth that I can't force people to be friends with me. I need to get used to the idea that I'm a woman now, making decisions for myself that have real consequences, and I need to seek out community more than it has come to me (i.e. Mary). And I need to be grateful for what comes and not use it just for myself (i.e. Elizabeth). I don't have to be on my own.
Whew, thanks for letting me process.
This morning, I listened to Coldplay's "A Message". As most of you probably have heard it (I realize I enjoy music in a very isolated fashion and am not quite sure what everyone likes), here's just a snippet.
"My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes on
You don't have to be alone
Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it's so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own"
This morning I was reading this study by Beth Moore (my mom gave me for my birthday) on Jesus - "90 days with the one and only". Today she talked about how gracious God was to Mary. Gabriel didn't only tell her that she was a) going to be pregnant b) that it would be the Son of God, but also mentioned (obviously in Xaris paraphrasing world) c) "b-t-dubbs, your cousin Elizabeth is also having a radical, unexpected, and stigmatizing pregnancy too!" God was paying attention to the personal ramifications Mary was to endure. And after that, Mary goes to visit Elizabeth (who is like 70 miles away or something!) and Elizabeth has nothing but encouragement for her and shares in Mary's wonder.
You don't have to be on your own. Such a wonderful truth.
Ben and I had a "double datesky" with PJ and Gillian last Saturday. It was weird how remarkably blessed I felt by this. We weren't even talking about real deep stuff or insights about life. I can barely remember what we even really talked about or what any specific person said, including myself (which is really freaking odd, because I remember everything usually). Though without words being said outright, the commonality of our situations was so real that it was just a blessing to be in community with them.
Laura has written about this and related topics before (and much more extensively, with books and quotes to back her up ^_^), in obviously different circumstances from me, but what I have to say is similar, just me making my own peace about it. There's something alienating about being committed to another person when one is this young. It's not just about the time and energy that needs to be reallocated to only one person instead of spread to more people, it's also the heart knowledge of another person that uses this as currency. Not that I think my sisters don't know what's going on with me (obviously if you read this blog and talk to me once and awhile, you largely do), but it's just changed. It's not like in high school when I could tell my friends what happened last period. I'm grateful though, that this change obviously coincides with an increase in maturity about giving and receiving intimacy.
One of the greatest spiritual battles of my life has been intimacy and not having it or having too much. Never feeling like I had people in my life who really knew what I was about or trying to be, for most of my life. That obviously changed with the Navigators who freely offered me community. But that was only the beginning. I see now that I spent my college years figuring this out: "Empowerment does not translate to entitlement". Just because I'm given something good, it doesn't mean I deserve it, or can manipulate it to my ends and pleasure. Intimacy is a gift and is something given not taken. Just because we need community, it does not mean we deserve it, or are automatically given one. You cannot force people to be friends with you, just because they showed you they want to be your friend. I think it took me awhile to freaking grow up and realize this. Many of you were victims of this process.
Thank God for boundaries! Kind of like at work, just because these people are invited to a certain type of intimacy with me (the normal everyday type where they see me everyday for most of my waking life, hear me cough and see what I have for lunch) does not mean they have access to my heart. They don't get to ask me what I did last night, unless it's something I had already talked about. I think when our boundaries were disregarded and violated in the past, it's harder to see God's design, or we misinterpret that to be God's design - we either close up desperately building a thick wall of protection or open up for a free for all with no thought as to the dignity of our personhood.
The truth is I need community and am blessed with it. But this stage in life is just far more different than the previous one before it. And just like how I had to get used to the truth that I can't force people to be friends with me. I need to get used to the idea that I'm a woman now, making decisions for myself that have real consequences, and I need to seek out community more than it has come to me (i.e. Mary). And I need to be grateful for what comes and not use it just for myself (i.e. Elizabeth). I don't have to be on my own.
Whew, thanks for letting me process.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Alright...
Laura Z tagged me.
The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and / or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
1. When I was smaller in the Philippines, we didn't have a car and we only ever took public transportation or taxis. So whenever I had thoughts of running away from home, I would think of hailing a taxi and just telling it to make random right turns, until we eventually reached the provinces...I didn't think through how I would've paid for it though.
2. I like peanut butter, but I hate peanut butter with chocolate (i.e. ice cream, Reese's, granola bars, etc). Blech!
3. There is never a morning that I don't want to sing (even if it was a sad song)...but I most certainly never do because I don't want to bother people with my morning voice.
4. I wish I didn't have to wear clothes.
5. I have dyed my hair blond and reddish brown (and it was disgusting), but all I ever really wanted was to have really dark blue-violet highlights that would only be really visible in the sun...too late now.
6. I want to live in Japan someday, 6 months in an urban area, and 6 months in a more rural area.
7. I love long walks in the rain (as long as I have appropriate coverage and footwear and I have nowhere to go).
Tagging: Alison W, Alex S, Elizabeth S, Jas, Erica, Stephanie D, Josh P
I know more people on Xanga, but I don't have access to it at work...most of these people don't really post anyway so whatever. Just trying to follow the rules.
The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and / or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
1. When I was smaller in the Philippines, we didn't have a car and we only ever took public transportation or taxis. So whenever I had thoughts of running away from home, I would think of hailing a taxi and just telling it to make random right turns, until we eventually reached the provinces...I didn't think through how I would've paid for it though.
2. I like peanut butter, but I hate peanut butter with chocolate (i.e. ice cream, Reese's, granola bars, etc). Blech!
3. There is never a morning that I don't want to sing (even if it was a sad song)...but I most certainly never do because I don't want to bother people with my morning voice.
4. I wish I didn't have to wear clothes.
5. I have dyed my hair blond and reddish brown (and it was disgusting), but all I ever really wanted was to have really dark blue-violet highlights that would only be really visible in the sun...too late now.
6. I want to live in Japan someday, 6 months in an urban area, and 6 months in a more rural area.
7. I love long walks in the rain (as long as I have appropriate coverage and footwear and I have nowhere to go).
Tagging: Alison W, Alex S, Elizabeth S, Jas, Erica, Stephanie D, Josh P
I know more people on Xanga, but I don't have access to it at work...most of these people don't really post anyway so whatever. Just trying to follow the rules.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Thursday
I got nothing..
Well, I probably got something, but there's really no time to get on with it, cause I gots a meeting to go to (womp, womp). Sometimes you just don't feel like writing an opinion down. It's also harder with blogging, because I never know if someone out there is actually going to respond to what I'm saying. It's like this black hole that I can shout into, but nothing comes out. That can be really rewarding at times, but right now I don't feel like I need that.
However, I did decide to write something everyday I'm in the office. So here I am doing it.
POOP! (That's for Josh)
Well, I probably got something, but there's really no time to get on with it, cause I gots a meeting to go to (womp, womp). Sometimes you just don't feel like writing an opinion down. It's also harder with blogging, because I never know if someone out there is actually going to respond to what I'm saying. It's like this black hole that I can shout into, but nothing comes out. That can be really rewarding at times, but right now I don't feel like I need that.
However, I did decide to write something everyday I'm in the office. So here I am doing it.
POOP! (That's for Josh)
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Life is Repentance (Rejoicing)
I was thinking recently about how grateful I am for my job(!). Yes, it caught me by surprise as well. If I really sit down and think about it, I am grateful for how clear it is to me that I need to be here (though God chooses to hide the exact reasons). I've learned a lot about depending on Christ. I've learned a lot about myself.
Actually, I really remember this whole, newly profound level of dependence on Christ idea hitting me around August/September 2007. I remember talking to Megan S on the phone during a long, routine walk home (when we still lived in the 23rd St apartment). I had my concentration set on this whole transition from college to not-in-school. I was asking her about how she managed to create community for herself in Christ Church while maintaining Navs in her life, because I was attending and trying to do the same at Astoria Community Church. We were talking about the lack of community in general, and how the loss of Navs the way we knew it is a way to figure out how powerful communion with the Holy Spirit can be...something to that effect. Really though, I felt like shit about the whole idea and how it was going to be and how hard it was to get used to. How to get used to a life change.
And since that time (about a year ago), boy have there been some dramatic changes in my life. From the very obvious to the very subtle. And it's weird to realize that throughout it all, all I was trying to figure out was this basic idea of repentance. Of course, like most of you, I thought, heck ya I know what that is, I'm a Christian. I can point to things and say, see I have repented, look at how much my life has changed! Look at how much God has empowered me to do the things I've done. See, God is definitely in communion with me and definitely in my life.
Andrea had handed me this Redeemer study titled "How the Gospel Changes You" around end of July. It was all about idols and repentance, and I thought, alright, alright, let me just read through this. It ended up being a major theme in my thoughts, prayers, and the way I related to people.
The thing is, alright, I understand the need to bow before God, understand who He really is and understand who I'm really not. Think of the magnitude of my full out rebellion against the God of the universe. No excuses, that was a choice I full out made. And then applying the idea that the triune God loved me enough to die for me, to chase after me, to tear His life apart and put it back together with me in it. This should in turn make us rejoice. Sing Amazing Grace, and shout hallelujah. (This part however rarely happens to me) But the thing I missed almost completely, that I don't think I ever thought about until I read the Redeemer study, was the need to PRAISE God. How it is physically, mentally, emotionally, soulfully impossible to rejoice, without giving praise to the One who makes it possible. We were meant to praise God, therefore if we do not do it, we cannot claim the gift we are meant to receive. It's as if I walked around saying, yes I'm Toti's (my father's) daughter, but never even gave him a call, never talked to him for years. I may always be Toti's daughter, that never changes, but there's that difference between a legal relationship and a personal relationship. I may always be his daughter, but do I love him? It's the same with the Father.
So in applying all that, I try to praise God everyday, and hopefully someday I can praise God all the time. Not that I'm great at it mind you, but I try. Even if it's a dry "God you are awesome." The exercise is good for my soul. "However important [growing my character] may be, this process of repentance trains us in habits of the soul that are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God." (from a 1 John Redeemer study). As Tim Keller says about relationships "Love is an action first, a feeling second." How could we expect any more from ourselves in our relationship with God? If loving God and being in a relationship with Him means forcing myself to sing a hymn, say a prayer, or read out stale sounding words, I'm going to freaking do it because it was what I was made to do. Like with most things, the focus isn't on receiving or even giving with excellence (that's covered by God in His covenant with us), really the focus is who you're giving to. That's what eros is, and that's the metaphor God likes to use with Christ as the groom and the Church as the bride.
Whew, that was a lot. But really it's been churning in my head for such a long time, it's the culmination of a lot of material read, sermons heard, conversations had, and feelings felt.
Btw, I think swearing off Google Reader is actually helping in a way I didn't fully expect. My life is really a lot less negative on a regular basis. Of course the negativity isn't Google Reader's fault per se, I just don't know how to subscribe to the less biased things without hearing about news no one else pays attention to. It's the blogging culture of the internet I suppose. Kind of how people rely on most of their news from late night TV which makes fun of everything, only on a grander scale. Also, I'd read Google Reader for most of my day which is more than the Bible, more than any other reading material. I think I just have to limit it to like an hour a day or something.
REJOICE!
Actually, I really remember this whole, newly profound level of dependence on Christ idea hitting me around August/September 2007. I remember talking to Megan S on the phone during a long, routine walk home (when we still lived in the 23rd St apartment). I had my concentration set on this whole transition from college to not-in-school. I was asking her about how she managed to create community for herself in Christ Church while maintaining Navs in her life, because I was attending and trying to do the same at Astoria Community Church. We were talking about the lack of community in general, and how the loss of Navs the way we knew it is a way to figure out how powerful communion with the Holy Spirit can be...something to that effect. Really though, I felt like shit about the whole idea and how it was going to be and how hard it was to get used to. How to get used to a life change.
And since that time (about a year ago), boy have there been some dramatic changes in my life. From the very obvious to the very subtle. And it's weird to realize that throughout it all, all I was trying to figure out was this basic idea of repentance. Of course, like most of you, I thought, heck ya I know what that is, I'm a Christian. I can point to things and say, see I have repented, look at how much my life has changed! Look at how much God has empowered me to do the things I've done. See, God is definitely in communion with me and definitely in my life.
Andrea had handed me this Redeemer study titled "How the Gospel Changes You" around end of July. It was all about idols and repentance, and I thought, alright, alright, let me just read through this. It ended up being a major theme in my thoughts, prayers, and the way I related to people.
The thing is, alright, I understand the need to bow before God, understand who He really is and understand who I'm really not. Think of the magnitude of my full out rebellion against the God of the universe. No excuses, that was a choice I full out made. And then applying the idea that the triune God loved me enough to die for me, to chase after me, to tear His life apart and put it back together with me in it. This should in turn make us rejoice. Sing Amazing Grace, and shout hallelujah. (This part however rarely happens to me) But the thing I missed almost completely, that I don't think I ever thought about until I read the Redeemer study, was the need to PRAISE God. How it is physically, mentally, emotionally, soulfully impossible to rejoice, without giving praise to the One who makes it possible. We were meant to praise God, therefore if we do not do it, we cannot claim the gift we are meant to receive. It's as if I walked around saying, yes I'm Toti's (my father's) daughter, but never even gave him a call, never talked to him for years. I may always be Toti's daughter, that never changes, but there's that difference between a legal relationship and a personal relationship. I may always be his daughter, but do I love him? It's the same with the Father.
So in applying all that, I try to praise God everyday, and hopefully someday I can praise God all the time. Not that I'm great at it mind you, but I try. Even if it's a dry "God you are awesome." The exercise is good for my soul. "However important [growing my character] may be, this process of repentance trains us in habits of the soul that are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God." (from a 1 John Redeemer study). As Tim Keller says about relationships "Love is an action first, a feeling second." How could we expect any more from ourselves in our relationship with God? If loving God and being in a relationship with Him means forcing myself to sing a hymn, say a prayer, or read out stale sounding words, I'm going to freaking do it because it was what I was made to do. Like with most things, the focus isn't on receiving or even giving with excellence (that's covered by God in His covenant with us), really the focus is who you're giving to. That's what eros is, and that's the metaphor God likes to use with Christ as the groom and the Church as the bride.
Whew, that was a lot. But really it's been churning in my head for such a long time, it's the culmination of a lot of material read, sermons heard, conversations had, and feelings felt.
Btw, I think swearing off Google Reader is actually helping in a way I didn't fully expect. My life is really a lot less negative on a regular basis. Of course the negativity isn't Google Reader's fault per se, I just don't know how to subscribe to the less biased things without hearing about news no one else pays attention to. It's the blogging culture of the internet I suppose. Kind of how people rely on most of their news from late night TV which makes fun of everything, only on a grander scale. Also, I'd read Google Reader for most of my day which is more than the Bible, more than any other reading material. I think I just have to limit it to like an hour a day or something.
REJOICE!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
What Yelling the Truth at Yourself Accomplishes
"All The Trees Of The Field Will Clap Their Hands" - Sufjan Stevens
If I am alive this time next year Will I have arrived in time to share? Mine is about as good this far/ I'm still applied to what you are And I'm joining all my thoughts to you And I'm preparing every part for you/ I heard from the trees a great parade And I heard from the hills a band was made Will I be invited to the sound? Will I be a part of what you've made?/ And I am throwing all my thoughts away And I'm destroying every bet I've made And I am joining all my thoughts to you And I'm preparing every part for you
I've owned this song for a few years now (and have had it in my iPod all that time), and I honestly never really listened to what it was saying. It's weird that in conjunction with everything going on in the market (the loss of hope, the panic, the fear), is when I get to the head of the beast that I'm dealing with and oh like in a video game, the mega boss is harder than I thought and I'm using everything I have to throw at it. Well, I choose Hope damn it! I choose Love! I choose to be loved by God, to be taken, pruned, cherished by Him. To commit myself to Him.
"The energy you could spend on a life that reflects the sacredness and dignity of God gave to you is instead spent in chaotic, circular patterns that go nowhere." From a (free!) weekly newsletter I get from Committed To Freedom that Andrea is involved with. They're also the ones who give the seminars at Redeemer every year in July, which I've been to as well.
Reading Redeeming Love, it's interesting to see myself in both the prostitute and the farmer. I always remember what Justin Moffat had said about how interesting is it that Jesus always rebukes the strong and encourages the weak, and how we're both at the same time. People are just complicated.
"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming." - Helen Keller (also from Committed To Freedom)
If I am alive this time next year Will I have arrived in time to share? Mine is about as good this far/ I'm still applied to what you are And I'm joining all my thoughts to you And I'm preparing every part for you/ I heard from the trees a great parade And I heard from the hills a band was made Will I be invited to the sound? Will I be a part of what you've made?/ And I am throwing all my thoughts away And I'm destroying every bet I've made And I am joining all my thoughts to you And I'm preparing every part for you
I've owned this song for a few years now (and have had it in my iPod all that time), and I honestly never really listened to what it was saying. It's weird that in conjunction with everything going on in the market (the loss of hope, the panic, the fear), is when I get to the head of the beast that I'm dealing with and oh like in a video game, the mega boss is harder than I thought and I'm using everything I have to throw at it. Well, I choose Hope damn it! I choose Love! I choose to be loved by God, to be taken, pruned, cherished by Him. To commit myself to Him.
"The energy you could spend on a life that reflects the sacredness and dignity of God gave to you is instead spent in chaotic, circular patterns that go nowhere." From a (free!) weekly newsletter I get from Committed To Freedom that Andrea is involved with. They're also the ones who give the seminars at Redeemer every year in July, which I've been to as well.
Reading Redeeming Love, it's interesting to see myself in both the prostitute and the farmer. I always remember what Justin Moffat had said about how interesting is it that Jesus always rebukes the strong and encourages the weak, and how we're both at the same time. People are just complicated.
"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming." - Helen Keller (also from Committed To Freedom)
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