We are the weird ones

One of the annoying things about weddings/marriage is that most people have an opinion about it, and anyone who hears you're getting married suddenly wants to give you unwanted advice. This is way different than friends giving you an opinion, as that's completely normal and welcome, this is when random people, just because they think you're young and naive, just start telling you what you have to/should do. Boundaries, people, BOUNDARIES!

Unfortunately, I think Ben gets this stuff a lot more than me, not quite sure why (probably because I don't go to happy hour and you wouldn't normally talk about this in a corporate environment). The most annoying thing that keeps coming up since we graduated is, "Why don't you live together?" We've obviously been serious and all the more now that we're engaged (teehee understatement), so people generally just think, well, hey, you live an hour away from each other(!), why not just move in? I think what makes it most annoying is that if it really were that easy, then of course we would. But life ain't about being easy, it's about serving God, the Church, and those outside the Church. But again and again, we run into people who are surprised to find us "inconveniencing" ourselves, and the assumptions behind all assumptions is that we're in love and so we should do whatever we want. Get married, don't get married, move in together, don't move in if it's not convenient, have kids, don't have kids (ever), join your accounts or not, but above all else, of course you should definitely have sex. In fact, no sex is actually bad for you and just not healthy. You know what, we ARE in love, but we're not married yet and you don't really understand what love is if you think it means doing whatever you want or whatever "feels right". I think people who don't have a Biblical view of why we have marriage (and by that virtue dating) at all are just making stuff up, dependent on whatever is cool for our culture today.

I guess what's most annoying of all is that it wouldn't be such an issue if we didn't live in a city. It's just SO weird to find SO many people SO surprised as if we're the weird ones. These are all casual encounters btw, no one like that we're having a yelling match with or having weird conflict with because of it. It would just be nice to meet someone, for once, to meet someone who doesn't assume we're like the average engaged people in New York City. That when we say December won't say, "Wow! Of this year!" Or when they ask if we're moving in won't say "You should just do that now! It's so much easier!" Just so many unwanted opinions!

Into Week 7 of Engagment

Believe it or not, I think today was the first day I actually thought that I wish this wedding stuff was all over already. I wished MANY times that all the decisions, decisions, decisions, and the bills that go with those things would be over, but I oddly enough hadn't felt the rush to be actually married and to actually have the wedding. It's curious how challenging marriage really looks when it's staring you down, even in the best of times.

I don't think I'm necessarily much better equiped now than I was in Week 1 for marriage. I think I'm just getting tired of having these "To-do's" 2-6 months in advance. Some of which are really major like finding an affordable 1 bedroom in Manhattan...which I've never had to worry about! I'm surprisingly not the kind of person who likes actual lists of things to-do written out. I usually remember what I need to do. If I know I won't remember what I need to do, then I make special effort to write it down...and then end up just remembering better since I wrote it down. Generally, I've relied on my memory for these kinds of things. This is what makes me hate planning/anticipating big, obnoxious, life-changing events. I like to know EVERYTHING about everything, but that's a little impossible to do! Things like a wedding have so many moving parts and tiny details, kind of representative with how big a deal it is. I just really want to go to all the vendors and book them, and make all these things, and talk with all these people, and buy all these things, I've already decided on...but I know how weird that would be to do at this point in time.

Whenever someone asks about my plans and I tell them all about the things we've already done, I sometimes get a "Wow, you're so organized!" I wanna say, "No, it's more like I'm crazy!".

However, I'm finding that just like anything in this adult life, transitioning is gonna take time. I've been grateful for this time so far. Ben and I absolutely need that time. But when I see a deal on bubble blowers on the Knot and realize that I probably shouldn't buy it because I'll have 6 month old bubble solution at my wedding and I must stop myself from making my decision final...it's just so frustrating and representative of the larger reality of engagement being a holding station. True, a holding station made by God where much growth will happen, but a holding station nonetheless.

Ribbon Bird, Freedom and Love

My brother and I used to make ribbon birds like this when we were younger. I forget why we got so into it, or where we learned it from, but I think my brother was running for student council. He made a ton of blue ribbon birds and used a safety pin to put them on people. It was really apropros because the school's mascot involved an eagle and the school color was blue. I've been thinking about somehow incorporating this in the design of our wedding, just because I think it's unique. I grabbed this picture from here.

At the same time as his bird-making, there was this trend at school (my all-girls Catholic school) where girls started selling stuff to each other, like cupcakes, fans, bracelets and other girly things. So I thought, hey, maybe I can sell these ribbon birds as pins. So my mom and I made some (like a lot, like 30 or something) and put it in a little box with some safety pins. I was so excited, I thought this was the best idea ever. I took it to school, but I think only 2 people or so ever really bought one. I was kind of disappointed and didn't know why my plan didn't work. I don't even think I wanted the money, I just wanted to be popular. And as if I didn't learn from this experience I tried selling it again in middle school at this market day thing when people spend fake money they earned as bonus points. I think it just confused people yet again. Why would they want one? OH you know, if you were trying to add beauty to your life...I guess that's not something you're interested in when you're young. These experiences probably have a lot to do with why I don't understand entrepreneurship.

So I've been reading "The Mystery of Marriage", and as I mentioned he is totally a feeler. You can also totally tell he's a man, by what he emphasizes as the difficult parts of marriage. The closeness, the realness, the not being alone, etc. These are things that I certainly struggle with at times, and more and more as marriage becomes ever more real, but I just think most women I know struggle with wanting this too much from men. But that's my $.02. It is still rather excellent. It's kind of like he's persuading you about the wonderfulness of marriage BECAUSE it's raw, close, real, and ever watchful. But for me, it's more like reading more about something I've already been sold on. The reason why he sounds like this may be because it's geared toward people who are already married. I can definitely see how easy it would be to forget what he's talking about.

"It is no secret that there is this heady, breathtaking freedom in love, but how many realize that the marrying kind is the headiest of all? In a person about to be married there is a quality of footloose derailment, as if an old rusty locomotive had suddenly sprouted wings and soared away from its tracks. Being engaged is like entering a new stage of childhood, right down to the feeling of strange new chemicals being released into the body. It is, in fact, like having a new body, like being a brand new creature just emerged from a cocoon, with shining skin not quite dry. It is like baptism. The world is so bright, and this crazy new body is so incredibly sensitive to everything. It is one thing to be a new creature as a baby, without any sense of self-consciousness. But it is something else when this happens to an adult. One stumbles around, lumbers, cranes, reels. And what are those ponderous appendages on one's back, thos preposterous, unwieldy contraptions that keep lifting one up into the air?"

Engagement Ring

Among the many adjustments one goes through when they decide to get married, I thought I would write about how adjusting to my engagement ring has been like. It's been odd to wear something 24/7 at work, on the subway, in bed, in the shower, that is sooooo valuable on so many different levels, and not just to me but to another person as well. The only thing that comes close are my earrings with my birthstone, and that's just cause I'm too lazy to take out TWO sets of earrings, and just take out one. I have to be careful now when I wear certain scarves, because little pieces of thread get caught on the setting of the ring. I haven't needed to wear gloves much, but I can imagine not knowing how to do that properly. It's also just really distracting and sparkly, so it's kind of really hard to forget you're engaged. It's just weird to be so normal, sitting on the couch, having some fried chicken, and all of a sudden the light catches on it and you realize you don't know if you should be eating with your hands.

Of course, I can and will, I'm pilipina after all. But it kind of draws on a larger point. It truly symbolizes a promise, a promise of going into a covenant relationship. One of my aunts when reacting to the news of our engagement talked about how in Jewish culture when you're betrothed people are basically already married (citing how Joseph thought he needed to divorce Mary quietly, when they were betrothed). And it's interesting because I heard from a Redeemer class once that the Greek word they use for the seal of the Holy Spirit or something (doing this from memory, SO not a seminary student) is actually the word for engagement ring. Basically, symbolizing how as Christians we are all engaged, and we keep being engaged until the Wedding Feast of the Lamb, when the church finally marries Christ. We don't get a ring from Jesus, we get the Holy Spirit who is always there 24/7 at work, on the subway, in bed, in the shower. Except it's a lot easier to forget that we belong to Jesus. It's a lot easier to just eat fried chicken and be a slob without even a thought to our marvelous state of being the Beloved. (again, not that there's anything wrong with that ^_^ just making a point).

Anyway, engagement is just this like really weird, unique time when that reality can really manifest itself.

Transition Remix

I realized that I may need to start forcing myself to write again. Work has just gotten slower and slower and I'm unable to find an anchor. PLUS, I realized (and this may make me sound stupid by how obvious it is) that I'm undergoing yet another huge transition cleaving more and more to Benjamin. AND, it's May again.

Last year, I was really stressed out about my family coming to New York and meeting Ben for the first time, getting all this attention, attention, attention from a large family, and generally getting ready for graduation itself to be a let down...and it was. It was not fun for me and seemed not really the way I would've wished to finish off 4 of the most important years of my life. I felt rather alone, lost and off-kilter.

Engagement is obviously something I joyously looked forward to and hoped for and differently so than Graduation. Though, I don't think I thought about Engagement as much as Graduation in terms of what this would actually look like, feel like, seem like. Confusion and being lost comes with every transition in varying degrees. I am so confused that I think I have to remind myself that it's completely normal to be confused. It's completely normal to be so happy yet anxious at the same time. That this is a GI-normous deal and whether I know it or not, I am dealing with a lot. I am in need of so much grace. I've been getting really good at making myself feel guilty these last couple months, but the penalty for my sin has already been fulfilled, and I must surrender.

Like always, I need to figure out how I'm not relying on Jesus. That's just a lot harder when I'm finding new footing in general.