If you haven't heard otherwise, Ben and I are engaged. Woot! YAY! WOW! We are so marvelously happy that so many people are so happy about it. It just feels like so much love was released into the world.
This also means we probably need lots and lots and lots of prayer against the enemy and against our own sinfulness and those around us. It sucks, but the last thing Satan wants is two Christians getting together and creating a new family. I've thought about how in general this is going to be a one-sided, rather selfish time for me. I'm going to be asking for help from a lot of people and just the thought of involving so many friends and family for my wedding (especially those with specific jobs and tasks) makes me feel a little guilty. But that's what community is about, and I know I'm battling lies of self-sufficiency in general (like not relying on Jesus in the planning process). Help me remember that I am loved and that I don't deserve this all at the same time!
A fun thought however, is that at such a time as this, I can actually plan a wedding quite comfortably. It's not like I'm swamped at work. I am soooo organized it's not even funny. Ben was saying how this is just like a merger, which is the project I'm on now! I could make a gant chart and a project schedule on MS Project if I wanted to! I'm such a Project Manager. It'll be hilarious if I end up being one in some future time, considering these weird beginnings being apprenticed to the most self-sufficient PM.
Also, I realized that it'll be fun sharing ideas on this blog. Today, I've thought about flowers for a little bit. With the possibility of having a winter wedding, it's a daunting thought. But this site seemed to have some good advice about flowers that are in season and using a mix of silk flowers for the ones I really, really want (which are orchids and calla lillies). What do you think of the winter flowers they suggest?
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Writing Skillz and Prayer
It is slowly dawning on me that I may not be as bad a writer as I thought. I don't mean that in terms of being able to craft a story, but in a way that I can really communicate what I need to communicate in words. This is more than I can say for my writing in the recent past. I hate to say it, but somehow my Writing the Essay professor was right, it just takes practice to be better at writing. And writing in this blog has definitely allowed for A LOT of practice.
As we all know, I read a lot of blogs on Google Reader. And there are quite a few writers that really bother me, but I keep my subscription because they keep giving me good information. I usually just skim through the bolded titles. I think I prefer it when people are genuine in their writing, and write like they talk. It sucks, because they probably really worked on this long post, but people don't read all of their musings. Because, honestly, who cares about your musings if I don't know you.
On a completely different note, I want to thank Joanna M in this public forum for giving me "The Valley of Vision" at the end of my Sophomore year, even when it wasn't very clear I would even take a liking to it or knew how to use it for myself. Who knew I'd be so into the Puritans only a few years later? It has helped me pray on such a deeper level than I ever could imagine. One prayer in particular has this stanza in it that has really hit home to me what I'm supposed to do in my adult life. It's bolded below.
"Vocation"
"HEAVENLY FATHER,
Thou hast placed me in the church
which thy Son purchased by his own blood.
Add grace to grace that I may live worthy of my vocation.
I am a voyager across life's ocean;
Safe in heaven's ark, may I pass through a troubled world
into the harbour of eternal rest.
I am a tree of the vineyard thou hast planted.
Grant me not to be barren, with worthless leaves and wild grapes;
Prune me of useless branches;
Water me with dews of blessing.
I am part of the Lamb's bride, the church.
Help me to be true, faithful, chaste, loving, pure, devoted;
Let no strong affection wantonly dally with the world.
May I live high above a love of things temporal,
sanctified, cleansed, unblemished, hallowed by grace,
thy love my fullness,
thy glory my joy,
thy precepts my pathway,
thy cross my resting place.
My heart is not always a flame of adoring love,
But, resting in thy Son's redemption,
I look forward to the days of heaven,
where no langour shall oppress,
no iniquities chill,
no mists of unbelief dim the eye,
no zeal ever tires.
Father, these thoughts are the stay, prop, and comfort of my soul."
This prayer by itself really taught me a lot about reliance on Jesus throughout the summer and fall, before I theologically thought it through recently in the last few months. This prayer isn't the only one that has helped me through, but it was one of the more influential ones. It's amazing how much prayer really can capture something true within your heart that's more complex than you think. Truly, prayer allows God to reach down and fill my needs to an even fuller extent than I realize. He's being more loving than I can even fathom.
[Please note that I changed my template. I got tired of the other one.]
As we all know, I read a lot of blogs on Google Reader. And there are quite a few writers that really bother me, but I keep my subscription because they keep giving me good information. I usually just skim through the bolded titles. I think I prefer it when people are genuine in their writing, and write like they talk. It sucks, because they probably really worked on this long post, but people don't read all of their musings. Because, honestly, who cares about your musings if I don't know you.
On a completely different note, I want to thank Joanna M in this public forum for giving me "The Valley of Vision" at the end of my Sophomore year, even when it wasn't very clear I would even take a liking to it or knew how to use it for myself. Who knew I'd be so into the Puritans only a few years later? It has helped me pray on such a deeper level than I ever could imagine. One prayer in particular has this stanza in it that has really hit home to me what I'm supposed to do in my adult life. It's bolded below.
"Vocation"
"HEAVENLY FATHER,
Thou hast placed me in the church
which thy Son purchased by his own blood.
Add grace to grace that I may live worthy of my vocation.
I am a voyager across life's ocean;
Safe in heaven's ark, may I pass through a troubled world
into the harbour of eternal rest.
I am a tree of the vineyard thou hast planted.
Grant me not to be barren, with worthless leaves and wild grapes;
Prune me of useless branches;
Water me with dews of blessing.
I am part of the Lamb's bride, the church.
Help me to be true, faithful, chaste, loving, pure, devoted;
Let no strong affection wantonly dally with the world.
May I live high above a love of things temporal,
sanctified, cleansed, unblemished, hallowed by grace,
thy love my fullness,
thy glory my joy,
thy precepts my pathway,
thy cross my resting place.
My heart is not always a flame of adoring love,
But, resting in thy Son's redemption,
I look forward to the days of heaven,
where no langour shall oppress,
no iniquities chill,
no mists of unbelief dim the eye,
no zeal ever tires.
Father, these thoughts are the stay, prop, and comfort of my soul."
This prayer by itself really taught me a lot about reliance on Jesus throughout the summer and fall, before I theologically thought it through recently in the last few months. This prayer isn't the only one that has helped me through, but it was one of the more influential ones. It's amazing how much prayer really can capture something true within your heart that's more complex than you think. Truly, prayer allows God to reach down and fill my needs to an even fuller extent than I realize. He's being more loving than I can even fathom.
[Please note that I changed my template. I got tired of the other one.]
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Membership and Gospel Coalition
I did my Redeemer vows at the 10:30am service last Sunday. I do feel rather weird coming into the realization that I'm actually a member of Redeemer. This is mainly weird considering, I've technically been a member since February when they approved me. And it's not like my commitment to the church changes, or that I'd be serving and seeking fellowship there any differently (except maybe I can help out at the communion now and pursue becoming a deaconess!). But I guess there is something about standing there and having all those thousands of people witness you take a vow. Even if all you're saying is "Yes." People are witnessing what you're doing. And it's not like random people, it's people you've created community with too. Many thanks to Brittany B, Chens, Susan N, Allison B, Dan T, Kyo for being part of that witness and sharing your fellowship with us! [Edit: OMG, and Lauren H, AAAHHH, I'm so sorry, this totally doesn't mean I didn't appreciate you being there!!!...awkward]
I just listened to Tim Keller's talk at The Gospel Coalition Conference in Chicago. It's great to hear a talk from him to people he knows are Christians. When he does his sermons at Redeemer, they tend to need to be watered down a bit, because you never really know what kind of people are coming in through the door. That's the great thing about his sermons of course, that they reach all levels of belief, but it's a double-edged sword. It's nice to hear him throw it down and call out people on their idols, a little more like John Owen, though for our time and our culture. Anyway, I urge everyone to check it out!
It was cool to watch the live webcast and think, "Hey, that's my pastor" and "Whoa, I'm in Jersey City, they're in Chicago and this is all happening right now! Sweet!"
I just listened to Tim Keller's talk at The Gospel Coalition Conference in Chicago. It's great to hear a talk from him to people he knows are Christians. When he does his sermons at Redeemer, they tend to need to be watered down a bit, because you never really know what kind of people are coming in through the door. That's the great thing about his sermons of course, that they reach all levels of belief, but it's a double-edged sword. It's nice to hear him throw it down and call out people on their idols, a little more like John Owen, though for our time and our culture. Anyway, I urge everyone to check it out!
It was cool to watch the live webcast and think, "Hey, that's my pastor" and "Whoa, I'm in Jersey City, they're in Chicago and this is all happening right now! Sweet!"
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Application of "Reaching Out" to the Financial Crisis
I think the thing that is really hard to parse out about the current economic situation is the amount of vitriol people use for these financial titans they've trusted yet are now proven to be as human as the rest of us. People are seriously out for blood. It's funny, but so far I'm the only one out of my cousins that's decided to go for business as a vocation. Funny to me because I thought that was the most traditional thing anyone could do, go work for a company (though I didn't necessarily do it for "traditional" reasons or aims). Now the way things are going, looks like there's a shift to healthcare/education/social work...and there were always cousins who were pretty artistic so a fair amount will be writers, musicians, and graphic designers. Point is, with all this stuff going on, I'm a focal point in my grandfather's mind. He's always asking me, "Hey, have you cleaned up Wall St yet?"
To which I usually laugh off. Of course, he's half joking...but I wish I could answer him with what I really think about this stuff. Mainly that the crisis is all of our faults, coming out of a general brokeness of all things man made and there is none that seeks God, not one. I wish I could answer "Well, have you forgiven and made peace with your siblings yet?...No?...then not yet for me either."
I'm writing about this because Nouwen in "Reaching Out" mentioned it in a way I haven't heard anyone else do so. Most of the media are too busy placing blame and most people are interested in punishment. It's really affirming to know that another Christian thinks similarly about widespread crisis/suffering.
This quote is in the context of the civil rights activists of the sixties. It's a long one, but all of it is important.
"...If any criticism can be made of the sixties, it is not that protest was meaningless but that it was not deep enough, in the sense theat it was not rooted in the solitude of the heart. When only our minds and hands work together we quickly become dependent on the results of our actions and tend to give up when they do not materialize. In the solitude of the heart we can truly listen to the pains of the world because there we can recognize them not as strange unfamiliar pains, but as pains that are indeed our own. There we can see that what is most universal is most personal and that indeed nothing human is strange to us. There we can feel that the cruel reality of history is indeed the reality of the human heart, our own included, and that to protest asks, first of all, for a confession of our own participation in the human condition. There we can indeed respond.
It would be paralyzing to proclaim that we, as individuals, are responsible for all human suffering, but it is a liberating message to say we are called to respond to it. Because out of an inner solidarity with our fellow humans the first attempts to alleviate these pains can come forth.
It is this inner solidarity which prevents self-righteousness and makes compassion possible."
I'm obviously not a policy maker, so don't misunderstand where I'm coming from and what I'm trying to say. I'm just saying our attitudes need to change. And this has implications from the macro level to the micro everyday. I'm just tired of the self-righteousness both from within and without. Stop reacting and start responding creatively to the problems of this world that can only come from a solitude that works out your faith and dependance on God.
To which I usually laugh off. Of course, he's half joking...but I wish I could answer him with what I really think about this stuff. Mainly that the crisis is all of our faults, coming out of a general brokeness of all things man made and there is none that seeks God, not one. I wish I could answer "Well, have you forgiven and made peace with your siblings yet?...No?...then not yet for me either."
I'm writing about this because Nouwen in "Reaching Out" mentioned it in a way I haven't heard anyone else do so. Most of the media are too busy placing blame and most people are interested in punishment. It's really affirming to know that another Christian thinks similarly about widespread crisis/suffering.
This quote is in the context of the civil rights activists of the sixties. It's a long one, but all of it is important.
"...If any criticism can be made of the sixties, it is not that protest was meaningless but that it was not deep enough, in the sense theat it was not rooted in the solitude of the heart. When only our minds and hands work together we quickly become dependent on the results of our actions and tend to give up when they do not materialize. In the solitude of the heart we can truly listen to the pains of the world because there we can recognize them not as strange unfamiliar pains, but as pains that are indeed our own. There we can see that what is most universal is most personal and that indeed nothing human is strange to us. There we can feel that the cruel reality of history is indeed the reality of the human heart, our own included, and that to protest asks, first of all, for a confession of our own participation in the human condition. There we can indeed respond.
It would be paralyzing to proclaim that we, as individuals, are responsible for all human suffering, but it is a liberating message to say we are called to respond to it. Because out of an inner solidarity with our fellow humans the first attempts to alleviate these pains can come forth.
It is this inner solidarity which prevents self-righteousness and makes compassion possible."
I'm obviously not a policy maker, so don't misunderstand where I'm coming from and what I'm trying to say. I'm just saying our attitudes need to change. And this has implications from the macro level to the micro everyday. I'm just tired of the self-righteousness both from within and without. Stop reacting and start responding creatively to the problems of this world that can only come from a solitude that works out your faith and dependance on God.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
God's working on it, seriously!
"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." - Galileo
I got this from one of those Committed to Freedom emails I get. I like how the quote highlights the fact that once you've found it, you've found it. I think I waste a lot of time running in circles instead of being in active discovery. The times when I'm most confused are usually the times I feel most far away from God. Nevermind that he's promised to be always there, literally over and over and over again (Genesis 5:18, Isaiah 49:15-16, Psalm 6:9, Psalm 91:15, etc.) but emotions kind of take over as if it were reality. I think amidst all this confusion, it's really easy to forget what you're looking for. What's the point of your sorrow? It shouldn't be wasted in despair and fear, but be used to create the fruit of the Spirit within us. This fruit can only be granted by God. Oftentimes though, I don't even ask for the fruit, I ask for an explanation, thinking this will relieve the confusion. But God doesn't want me to rely on myself, He wants me to be utterly dependent on Him, because that is my true identity. There is no other complete and wise Xaris but the one who abides in Jesus Christ.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." - James 1:2-8
I got this from one of those Committed to Freedom emails I get. I like how the quote highlights the fact that once you've found it, you've found it. I think I waste a lot of time running in circles instead of being in active discovery. The times when I'm most confused are usually the times I feel most far away from God. Nevermind that he's promised to be always there, literally over and over and over again (Genesis 5:18, Isaiah 49:15-16, Psalm 6:9, Psalm 91:15, etc.) but emotions kind of take over as if it were reality. I think amidst all this confusion, it's really easy to forget what you're looking for. What's the point of your sorrow? It shouldn't be wasted in despair and fear, but be used to create the fruit of the Spirit within us. This fruit can only be granted by God. Oftentimes though, I don't even ask for the fruit, I ask for an explanation, thinking this will relieve the confusion. But God doesn't want me to rely on myself, He wants me to be utterly dependent on Him, because that is my true identity. There is no other complete and wise Xaris but the one who abides in Jesus Christ.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." - James 1:2-8
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Listing
I think Twitter has really changed the way I think about blogging, and it's making it really difficult to write out a complete blog post, since all my thoughts are compact and held in 140 characters. Thus, list-like posts have become a really attractive, though unoriginal, way to write. Also, I haven't been pushing myself to write everyday, so it's hard to know which inanities of life is really worth writing about.
-I am now a believer of Zicam. I had a 3 day cold instead of the usual 1 week. It's great!
-Ben met some more family over the weekend when we went to DC...and he's not done yet (I think he's got one more family set to go...and a few bachelor uncles). I counted it and I think I have about 57 people in my family which includes grandparents, their children, their grandchildren, and significant others. There was a bit of a Pascual reunion on Easter with other parts of the clan (as in second cousins...including my 21-year-old uncle). Honestly, as far as reunions go, it wasn't that large (though the size of an average Nav Nite!), and there were a lot of missing pieces, I mean, people. Of course though, there were tons of people there who knew who I was and probably carried me as a baby, but haven't seen me in 20 years or whenever it was they moved to America. The basic questions were asked, "Where did you go to school?" "What are you doing now?" "Where do you live?" "How's your brother?" (my brother was a bit of a superstar when we were growing up, being the first child of our generation...ever, on both the Pascual and Nakar side). Also, I didn't realize there were so many people in my family who went to Columbia and/or lived in NYC at some point in their lives. And Ben was a trooper as he had to endure similar questions from total strangers. I don't think I'm grateful enough because honestly in his place I'd probably freak out a little bit meeting and being with so much family for about 24 hours. I tell ya, he is THE boy you wanna bring home to yo momma. He also drove all 10 hours of the trip, so more props to him!
-Getting a haircut this Saturday from my Janet. Very excited about it.
-I love, LOVE Jewish holidays because Alternate Side Parking is suspended on those days, saving me about 20 minutes of time and heartache. Happy Yom Hashah!
-It makes me glad that the skin tone on my hands is noticeably darker than the color of my desk, making me think I might have gotten a tan at some point.
-I still don't really like DC (...classic moment in the car with my uncle. I say, "Kind of reminds me of Boston..." *awkward look toward Ben), as in I don't think I'd be way excited to move there from NYC. I always go there to visit people, and not the city itself. Meanwhile, people are always going to NYC and sleeping over, while not necessarily visiting me. It's very telling of a city.
-I've been feeling really grateful today for the silliest things in my life. Which is more than I can say about yesterday, or even the entirety of last week. Amazing what a difference a day makes. Here's hoping I keep depending on Jesus tomorrow. Ephesians 3:20
-I am now a believer of Zicam. I had a 3 day cold instead of the usual 1 week. It's great!
-Ben met some more family over the weekend when we went to DC...and he's not done yet (I think he's got one more family set to go...and a few bachelor uncles). I counted it and I think I have about 57 people in my family which includes grandparents, their children, their grandchildren, and significant others. There was a bit of a Pascual reunion on Easter with other parts of the clan (as in second cousins...including my 21-year-old uncle). Honestly, as far as reunions go, it wasn't that large (though the size of an average Nav Nite!), and there were a lot of missing pieces, I mean, people. Of course though, there were tons of people there who knew who I was and probably carried me as a baby, but haven't seen me in 20 years or whenever it was they moved to America. The basic questions were asked, "Where did you go to school?" "What are you doing now?" "Where do you live?" "How's your brother?" (my brother was a bit of a superstar when we were growing up, being the first child of our generation...ever, on both the Pascual and Nakar side). Also, I didn't realize there were so many people in my family who went to Columbia and/or lived in NYC at some point in their lives. And Ben was a trooper as he had to endure similar questions from total strangers. I don't think I'm grateful enough because honestly in his place I'd probably freak out a little bit meeting and being with so much family for about 24 hours. I tell ya, he is THE boy you wanna bring home to yo momma. He also drove all 10 hours of the trip, so more props to him!
-Getting a haircut this Saturday from my Janet. Very excited about it.
-I love, LOVE Jewish holidays because Alternate Side Parking is suspended on those days, saving me about 20 minutes of time and heartache. Happy Yom Hashah!
-It makes me glad that the skin tone on my hands is noticeably darker than the color of my desk, making me think I might have gotten a tan at some point.
-I still don't really like DC (...classic moment in the car with my uncle. I say, "Kind of reminds me of Boston..." *awkward look toward Ben), as in I don't think I'd be way excited to move there from NYC. I always go there to visit people, and not the city itself. Meanwhile, people are always going to NYC and sleeping over, while not necessarily visiting me. It's very telling of a city.
-I've been feeling really grateful today for the silliest things in my life. Which is more than I can say about yesterday, or even the entirety of last week. Amazing what a difference a day makes. Here's hoping I keep depending on Jesus tomorrow. Ephesians 3:20
Friday, April 10, 2009
Because I probably won't blog on Easter
I went to the Redeemer "Resurrection: So You May Believe" class taught by Marty Young. It was really, really educational and spiritual. I've decided (I also took his "Becoming Wise" class) that I do like Marty a lot as a teacher. He may go on tangents often and is at the whim of the questions people throw at him (which annoys someone like me who likes planned things and people following through with the plan as planned), but even in that, he really does his job in satisfying questions, though the answers lead you to a more unsettling and complex place than you originally thought.
Someone asked the question that if Mary Magdalene saw all these angels rolling stones over, telling her that "He is risen!" and still didn't believe, how is that even possible? One would think if people just saw angels and God clearly just spoke to them about what they're supposed to do, then, THEN they'll know what to do. But Marty made an even deeper point than just the idea of supernatural things. In all this commotion when Jesus was not found in the tomb, and in all the accounts of the Resurrection, no one sees Jesus unless a) they believe or b) He reveals Himself, and further that Jesus prefers to reveal Himself through Scripture.
In one account, Jesus walks down the road with some dejected disciples, only they don't recognize Him. Jesus chastizes them with Scripture "He said to them, 'How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken! Did not the Christ have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?' And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself" (Luke 24:25-27). Finally, Jesus breaks bread with them and then disappears, and the disciples see Him as Jesus. Dude, these guys were JEWISH, they knew what the prophets said and were waiting for the Messaiah, and they STILL had a hard time believing.
I just thought the implications of all that was HUGE! You don't see Jesus unless you already believe or He reveals Himself to you, THAT'S IT! And it's still true in the world today. So many people still think Jesus was just a great teacher, and not the actual Christ who not only died but is risen and at the right hand of God the Father Almighty. Scripture is meaningless to those who cannot see. And we are so dependent on Scripture as the basis of our faith, our life, our religion. Marty pointed out, even the demons have seen angels, but are not saved, because they do not put their faith in Jesus.
If you really think about it, what an awesome opportunity for us that have come after. We have this book the Bible, that's all compiled already with all the Gospels. Even in that, what a gracious blessing!
Someone asked the question that if Mary Magdalene saw all these angels rolling stones over, telling her that "He is risen!" and still didn't believe, how is that even possible? One would think if people just saw angels and God clearly just spoke to them about what they're supposed to do, then, THEN they'll know what to do. But Marty made an even deeper point than just the idea of supernatural things. In all this commotion when Jesus was not found in the tomb, and in all the accounts of the Resurrection, no one sees Jesus unless a) they believe or b) He reveals Himself, and further that Jesus prefers to reveal Himself through Scripture.
In one account, Jesus walks down the road with some dejected disciples, only they don't recognize Him. Jesus chastizes them with Scripture "He said to them, 'How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken! Did not the Christ have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?' And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself" (Luke 24:25-27). Finally, Jesus breaks bread with them and then disappears, and the disciples see Him as Jesus. Dude, these guys were JEWISH, they knew what the prophets said and were waiting for the Messaiah, and they STILL had a hard time believing.
I just thought the implications of all that was HUGE! You don't see Jesus unless you already believe or He reveals Himself to you, THAT'S IT! And it's still true in the world today. So many people still think Jesus was just a great teacher, and not the actual Christ who not only died but is risen and at the right hand of God the Father Almighty. Scripture is meaningless to those who cannot see. And we are so dependent on Scripture as the basis of our faith, our life, our religion. Marty pointed out, even the demons have seen angels, but are not saved, because they do not put their faith in Jesus.
If you really think about it, what an awesome opportunity for us that have come after. We have this book the Bible, that's all compiled already with all the Gospels. Even in that, what a gracious blessing!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
The Bible
Has anyone ever heard of this guy, David Plotz, blogging about the Bible? I JUST found out about it today. He's a nominal Jew who decides to read every word of the Bible and blog about it. Apparently his book came out last month. Excuse my ignorance if you already know all about it.
I read through a little bit of his comments on Genesis. And of course, he has typical secular reactions toward the text (i.e. women being called "helper", Why don't Adam and Eve literally die after eating of the tree, the 2 creation stories). But it's also fun to read about his surprise and discovery of the things that are true, like when after the flood and Noah is on his ark and everyone else is dead, he realizes that the evil punished is not man against man but man against God. A lack of dependence and fear and reverence of God. It's just so interesting to read someone's fresh perspective on the Bible without the commentaries and sermons.
Together with what I've read from Nouwen recently (though yes, ironic or not, that is yet another book/commentary on the spiritual life), I realize that it can be very easy to just go from one book/wise person/sermon to the next without even really reading the Bible by yourself. I bought a compact ESV Bible recently, and somehow this translation really makes things rather clear. I cannot even count or recall how many dozens of books, study Bibles, and sermons I or my parents have spent money on in all of my life as a Christian. It's refreshing to just read the Bible early in the morning. I've been utilizing this site afterwards, to see some basic commentaries, but on the whole, it's been interesting going without a guide for a season.
Related to that, I'm amazed at how much Scripture is imbedded in my heart. True, in the midst of struggle and sorrow, that's what intentional verse memorization is for, but I am amazed how someone like me who has previously lived an adulterous life - memorizing verses like really, really well while never even actually reading the Bible (and let's be real, I could ignore Bible-readin' again in some other season) - can start to see the effects of reading and letting the Word of God take root. This has been a very recent discovery. I'll be sitting in Fellowship Group or someone is telling me something weird, or I'll be crying about one thing or another, and then Scripture, though perhaps sometimes with a vague reference like "Jesus said at some point", will come out at me. I'm not gonna lie, it's a satisfying experience, and I hope I remain grateful for it. It's so much better than quoting Tim Keller or Henri Nouwen. Because the Word of God is THE Word of God. The Word is His primary means of grace in the world as Paige Brown says (I know, I'm a walking contradiction ^_^, but there's lots of Scripture about the Word too: Joshua 1:8, 2 Timothy 3:16). I like how that's worded, "primary means of grace". The most powerful resource for life on earth.
I read through a little bit of his comments on Genesis. And of course, he has typical secular reactions toward the text (i.e. women being called "helper", Why don't Adam and Eve literally die after eating of the tree, the 2 creation stories). But it's also fun to read about his surprise and discovery of the things that are true, like when after the flood and Noah is on his ark and everyone else is dead, he realizes that the evil punished is not man against man but man against God. A lack of dependence and fear and reverence of God. It's just so interesting to read someone's fresh perspective on the Bible without the commentaries and sermons.
Together with what I've read from Nouwen recently (though yes, ironic or not, that is yet another book/commentary on the spiritual life), I realize that it can be very easy to just go from one book/wise person/sermon to the next without even really reading the Bible by yourself. I bought a compact ESV Bible recently, and somehow this translation really makes things rather clear. I cannot even count or recall how many dozens of books, study Bibles, and sermons I or my parents have spent money on in all of my life as a Christian. It's refreshing to just read the Bible early in the morning. I've been utilizing this site afterwards, to see some basic commentaries, but on the whole, it's been interesting going without a guide for a season.
Related to that, I'm amazed at how much Scripture is imbedded in my heart. True, in the midst of struggle and sorrow, that's what intentional verse memorization is for, but I am amazed how someone like me who has previously lived an adulterous life - memorizing verses like really, really well while never even actually reading the Bible (and let's be real, I could ignore Bible-readin' again in some other season) - can start to see the effects of reading and letting the Word of God take root. This has been a very recent discovery. I'll be sitting in Fellowship Group or someone is telling me something weird, or I'll be crying about one thing or another, and then Scripture, though perhaps sometimes with a vague reference like "Jesus said at some point", will come out at me. I'm not gonna lie, it's a satisfying experience, and I hope I remain grateful for it. It's so much better than quoting Tim Keller or Henri Nouwen. Because the Word of God is THE Word of God. The Word is His primary means of grace in the world as Paige Brown says (I know, I'm a walking contradiction ^_^, but there's lots of Scripture about the Word too: Joshua 1:8, 2 Timothy 3:16). I like how that's worded, "primary means of grace". The most powerful resource for life on earth.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Healthy Weight Loss plus Nouwen/Love/Loneliness
So I've lost about 10 lbs now, using the The Daily Plate. I'm amazed at how easy it has been for me to do, just because it's very convenient being at a computer all day. This is the graph of my progress (but because I'm a lady, I'm not going to publish the numbers that correspond ;-p). Weekends I usually don't log stuff in, and you can tell by the graph because it'll be the lowest weight I've ever been and then on Monday it goes up. Also a lot of the net calories on Fridays are weird, because I usually didn't finish off the day. But so far the process has really worked out overall as a balance between watching what I eat, and yet still being able to eat cookies ^_^. It's cool to see that a decrease in net calories (either eating less or exercising some off) really leads to a decrease in weight. Also, there's that huge loss on March 6th only because I finally got a weigh scale from craigslist and started to weigh myself every weekday.Started reading "Reaching Out" by Henri Nouwen. Some really convicting quotes:
"Friendship and love cannot develop in the form of an anxious clinging to each other. They ask for gentle fearless space in which we can move to and from each other. As long as our loneliness brings us together with the hope that together we no longer will be alone, we castigate each other with our unfulfilled and unrealistic desires for oneness, inner tranquility and the uninterrupted experience of communion."
"But real oppenness to each other also means a real closedness, because only he who can hold a secret can safely share his knowledge...An inimate relationship between people not only asks for mutual openness but also for mutual respectful protection of each other's uniqueness."
"There is a false form of honesty that suggests that nothing should remain hidden and that everything should be said, expressed and communicated. This honesty can be very harmful, and if it does not harm, it at least makes relationship flat, superficial, empty and often very boring."
GAH! I am just utterly struck by my need for the Gospel to be true, otherwise I collapse into nothingness. Otherwise, I demand intimacy from other people, and suck them dry. Well, lets hope I grew out of that somewhat, but at the end of the day, I still struggle with knowing what is appropriate to find in community and what to ultimately find in God.
One of the women in our Fellowship Group is currently pregnant and might give birth any day now. She was remarking on how weird it is that as an adult, she has experienced all kinds of love (parents, sibling, friendship, husband) and then you have a baby, and that's a completely new kind of love. I'm only 23, and have not experienced all the kinds she has, and I think the more love I experience from people, the more wisdom I must have in knowing how to deal with that. Like everytime I start loving another person or start loving a person more, I realize that it just means I need to love God all the more. It doesn't necessarily mean I demote the person in my life, it means I must place God higher than even that. I think that's how the Church of Christ is built up to become more and more like God. That's really hard to figure out, especially with a heart that's so selfish and sinful. You start to realize how high, wide and deep God's love is, and his capacity to love is infinitely greater than I'll ever get to. It's kind of like looking at my grandparents and knowing how much they gave up for their children and grandchildren, and thinking..man, could I do that?..but times infinity.
I didn't grow up with any deep friendships. And I think that has a lot to do with what God thought was best for my maturity. Things like that aren't just throwaway facts of a terrible childhood, but crafted by God to be that way for His own glory.
This idea brings hope and comfort, but it doesn't make the pain of the process go away. That's what makes counseling so necessary. And as Nouwen points out: "The real spiritual guide is the one who, instead of advising us what to do or whom to go offers us a chance to stay alone and take the risk of entering into our own experience." Basically, don't waste your sorrows and ultimately deal with loneliness by entering into it with just you and God, and use the opportunity to see more of God and His glory and love. It's surprising how faithfully God shows up when we truly ask Him to.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Flashbacks
I realized I kind of lose the real sense of time passing when I don't have major anchors to tell me so. I read some older posts of mine, just to find some kind of grounding. It seems to me my posts were just a little different. Thought I'd post some samples below:
"Ben got me reading this book 'Dynamics of the Spiritual Life: An Evangelical Theology of Renewal' by Richard Lovelace. Here's a good quote: 'The lifelong process of mortifying sin involves a gradual detection process by which the particular forms in which sin expresses itself in our lives, our characteristic flesh, are uncovered to our view. Some of this discovery of sin occurs early in our Christian lives, but the subtlety of indwelling sin is such that many of its deeper roots remain under the surface of consciousness, where they will continue to distort our lives if they are not uncovered later.'...Everyday is a constant spiritual struggle to hold fast onto Jesus. I feel too weak for the call of holiness, and I fear failure and letting people down. My life has changed dramatically and I fear that I can't handle this, despite all the encouragement from people who have said otherwise." from "Conformity"
"I completely know the answer to the question marks, but I still feel them. 'Was there, then, no strength in growing up? No solace in being an adult?' I was also reading Dynamics last night. And it was a part where he was talking about the Holy Spirit and the lack thereof in the church...He made an interesting point that the Holy Spirit is like being face to face with God, all the time. ALL THE TIME, face to face, YOU and GOD. After that I read some Puritan prayers about the Holy Spirit. Obviously, I've been having good times with the thought." from here
"'However important [growing my character] may be, this process of repentance trains us in habits of the soul that are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God.' (from a 1 John Redeemer study). As Tim Keller says about relationships "Love is an action first, a feeling second." How could we expect any more from ourselves in our relationship with God? If loving God and being in a relationship with Him means forcing myself to sing a hymn, say a prayer, or read out stale sounding words, I'm going to freaking do it because it was what I was made to do. Like with most things, the focus isn't on receiving or even giving with excellence (that's covered by God in His covenant with us), really the focus is who you're giving to. That's what eros is, and that's the metaphor God likes to use with Christ as the groom and the Church as the bride." from "Life is Repentance (Rejoicing)"
"Ben got me reading this book 'Dynamics of the Spiritual Life: An Evangelical Theology of Renewal' by Richard Lovelace. Here's a good quote: 'The lifelong process of mortifying sin involves a gradual detection process by which the particular forms in which sin expresses itself in our lives, our characteristic flesh, are uncovered to our view. Some of this discovery of sin occurs early in our Christian lives, but the subtlety of indwelling sin is such that many of its deeper roots remain under the surface of consciousness, where they will continue to distort our lives if they are not uncovered later.'...Everyday is a constant spiritual struggle to hold fast onto Jesus. I feel too weak for the call of holiness, and I fear failure and letting people down. My life has changed dramatically and I fear that I can't handle this, despite all the encouragement from people who have said otherwise." from "Conformity"
"I completely know the answer to the question marks, but I still feel them. 'Was there, then, no strength in growing up? No solace in being an adult?' I was also reading Dynamics last night. And it was a part where he was talking about the Holy Spirit and the lack thereof in the church...He made an interesting point that the Holy Spirit is like being face to face with God, all the time. ALL THE TIME, face to face, YOU and GOD. After that I read some Puritan prayers about the Holy Spirit. Obviously, I've been having good times with the thought." from here
"'However important [growing my character] may be, this process of repentance trains us in habits of the soul that are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God.' (from a 1 John Redeemer study). As Tim Keller says about relationships "Love is an action first, a feeling second." How could we expect any more from ourselves in our relationship with God? If loving God and being in a relationship with Him means forcing myself to sing a hymn, say a prayer, or read out stale sounding words, I'm going to freaking do it because it was what I was made to do. Like with most things, the focus isn't on receiving or even giving with excellence (that's covered by God in His covenant with us), really the focus is who you're giving to. That's what eros is, and that's the metaphor God likes to use with Christ as the groom and the Church as the bride." from "Life is Repentance (Rejoicing)"
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