Calling and Wedding Tidbits

So apparently, Mike Mason added an extra chapter to "The Mystery of Marriage" when he was 10 years into marriage. The original book was from his musings during engagement and it became a book the year after. How does someone know so much about marriage being so new to it? I really wouldn't know.

This is from a parable he quotes in the new chapter:

"Looking back, I can see that before then, in spite of having a lover and all, really I was still behaving pretty much like my own person: single, autonomous, marching to a private drum. And expecting Christopher just to tag along! It was almost as though I were the only person on earth, lost in my own little dream world. But ever since that mysterious transaction at the altar, like it or not I've found myself living not my own life but Christopher's: doing Christopher's work, thinking Christopher's thoughts, getting used to Christopher's body as being my own body, and trying, however clumsily, to do all things just the way Christopher wants them done. And since there is legally only one living person now in place of two, I even took his full name, first and last, as my own: Christopher Rainbow."

It's interesting how much it pinpoints how people are prone to use one another. We are prone to like what we like, and just like the people who like that same thing. In fact, according to C.S. Lewis, that is the definition of friendship.

I'm not gonna lie, the call of being a wife is kind of scary. To live as if I'm not living my own selfish life, a life I've been used to living until now. Because when you start using your husband for your own agenda and desires, then it is to your downfall, because you are ONE. Whatever you do to him, you do to yourself.

Wedding Planning status (in case you wanna know):
-Guest List is pretty much finalized. Woot!!!

-We've figured out our Save-the-Dates with the wonderful, fabulous, and brave Kyo (this woman is doing 3 weddings, in one of which she's a maid of honor!, oh brave, brave soul). I'm so extremely happy with how it turned out. And I'm so extremely happy that I can look at other people's with full on glee, without feeling like I'm supposed to look at it and see what I like about it. I just really like these kinds of things, as previously mentioned.

-We have begun the registering process, complete with registering needs checklist. I always enjoy shopping with Benny, so it should be a fun experience.

-Contemplating a DIY centerpiece involving candles on a dish with wedding flowers strewn on. Should be $100-$200 cheaper. AND the bridesmaids would have actual bouqets (though small ones...and also DIY, including mine...which I'm not sure we know how to do yet with orchids). Hmm...

-I keep seeing other wedding dresses and get a tinge of fear and doubt that I chose the wrong one....which is pretty ridiculous, because it's absolutely beautiful and in my price range, but it's the tension that comes with making a decision early, and the fact that I can't look at it. I keep telling myself, "You wear it for one day, you wear it for one day." I must amuse myself with thinking of options for a coat or something to keep warm!

-Blue Nile and Amazon have pretty affordable wedding rings, but I wonder if it's safe to buy online...But I know the whole reason why they're cheaper is they pay way less overhead...I usually wouldn't be so apprehensive, but jewelry is just something I don't know much about.

Ribbon Bird, Freedom and Love

My brother and I used to make ribbon birds like this when we were younger. I forget why we got so into it, or where we learned it from, but I think my brother was running for student council. He made a ton of blue ribbon birds and used a safety pin to put them on people. It was really apropros because the school's mascot involved an eagle and the school color was blue. I've been thinking about somehow incorporating this in the design of our wedding, just because I think it's unique. I grabbed this picture from here.

At the same time as his bird-making, there was this trend at school (my all-girls Catholic school) where girls started selling stuff to each other, like cupcakes, fans, bracelets and other girly things. So I thought, hey, maybe I can sell these ribbon birds as pins. So my mom and I made some (like a lot, like 30 or something) and put it in a little box with some safety pins. I was so excited, I thought this was the best idea ever. I took it to school, but I think only 2 people or so ever really bought one. I was kind of disappointed and didn't know why my plan didn't work. I don't even think I wanted the money, I just wanted to be popular. And as if I didn't learn from this experience I tried selling it again in middle school at this market day thing when people spend fake money they earned as bonus points. I think it just confused people yet again. Why would they want one? OH you know, if you were trying to add beauty to your life...I guess that's not something you're interested in when you're young. These experiences probably have a lot to do with why I don't understand entrepreneurship.

So I've been reading "The Mystery of Marriage", and as I mentioned he is totally a feeler. You can also totally tell he's a man, by what he emphasizes as the difficult parts of marriage. The closeness, the realness, the not being alone, etc. These are things that I certainly struggle with at times, and more and more as marriage becomes ever more real, but I just think most women I know struggle with wanting this too much from men. But that's my $.02. It is still rather excellent. It's kind of like he's persuading you about the wonderfulness of marriage BECAUSE it's raw, close, real, and ever watchful. But for me, it's more like reading more about something I've already been sold on. The reason why he sounds like this may be because it's geared toward people who are already married. I can definitely see how easy it would be to forget what he's talking about.

"It is no secret that there is this heady, breathtaking freedom in love, but how many realize that the marrying kind is the headiest of all? In a person about to be married there is a quality of footloose derailment, as if an old rusty locomotive had suddenly sprouted wings and soared away from its tracks. Being engaged is like entering a new stage of childhood, right down to the feeling of strange new chemicals being released into the body. It is, in fact, like having a new body, like being a brand new creature just emerged from a cocoon, with shining skin not quite dry. It is like baptism. The world is so bright, and this crazy new body is so incredibly sensitive to everything. It is one thing to be a new creature as a baby, without any sense of self-consciousness. But it is something else when this happens to an adult. One stumbles around, lumbers, cranes, reels. And what are those ponderous appendages on one's back, thos preposterous, unwieldy contraptions that keep lifting one up into the air?"

Writing Skillz and Prayer

It is slowly dawning on me that I may not be as bad a writer as I thought. I don't mean that in terms of being able to craft a story, but in a way that I can really communicate what I need to communicate in words. This is more than I can say for my writing in the recent past. I hate to say it, but somehow my Writing the Essay professor was right, it just takes practice to be better at writing. And writing in this blog has definitely allowed for A LOT of practice.

As we all know, I read a lot of blogs on Google Reader. And there are quite a few writers that really bother me, but I keep my subscription because they keep giving me good information. I usually just skim through the bolded titles. I think I prefer it when people are genuine in their writing, and write like they talk. It sucks, because they probably really worked on this long post, but people don't read all of their musings. Because, honestly, who cares about your musings if I don't know you.

On a completely different note, I want to thank Joanna M in this public forum for giving me "The Valley of Vision" at the end of my Sophomore year, even when it wasn't very clear I would even take a liking to it or knew how to use it for myself. Who knew I'd be so into the Puritans only a few years later? It has helped me pray on such a deeper level than I ever could imagine. One prayer in particular has this stanza in it that has really hit home to me what I'm supposed to do in my adult life. It's bolded below.

"Vocation"

"HEAVENLY FATHER,
Thou hast placed me in the church
which thy Son purchased by his own blood.
Add grace to grace that I may live worthy of my vocation.

I am a voyager across life's ocean;
Safe in heaven's ark, may I pass through a troubled world
into the harbour of eternal rest.

I am a tree of the vineyard thou hast planted.
Grant me not to be barren, with worthless leaves and wild grapes;
Prune me of useless branches;
Water me with dews of blessing.
I am part of the Lamb's bride, the church.
Help me to be true, faithful, chaste, loving, pure, devoted;
Let no strong affection wantonly dally with the world.
May I live high above a love of things temporal,
sanctified, cleansed, unblemished, hallowed by grace,
thy love my fullness,
thy glory my joy,
thy precepts my pathway,
thy cross my resting place.
My heart is not always a flame of adoring love,
But, resting in thy Son's redemption,
I look forward to the days of heaven,
where no langour shall oppress,
no iniquities chill,
no mists of unbelief dim the eye,
no zeal ever tires.
Father, these thoughts are the stay, prop, and comfort of my soul."

This prayer by itself really taught me a lot about reliance on Jesus throughout the summer and fall, before I theologically thought it through recently in the last few months. This prayer isn't the only one that has helped me through, but it was one of the more influential ones. It's amazing how much prayer really can capture something true within your heart that's more complex than you think. Truly, prayer allows God to reach down and fill my needs to an even fuller extent than I realize. He's being more loving than I can even fathom.

[Please note that I changed my template. I got tired of the other one.]

The Bible

Has anyone ever heard of this guy, David Plotz, blogging about the Bible? I JUST found out about it today. He's a nominal Jew who decides to read every word of the Bible and blog about it. Apparently his book came out last month. Excuse my ignorance if you already know all about it.

I read through a little bit of his comments on Genesis. And of course, he has typical secular reactions toward the text (i.e. women being called "helper", Why don't Adam and Eve literally die after eating of the tree, the 2 creation stories). But it's also fun to read about his surprise and discovery of the things that are true, like when after the flood and Noah is on his ark and everyone else is dead, he realizes that the evil punished is not man against man but man against God. A lack of dependence and fear and reverence of God. It's just so interesting to read someone's fresh perspective on the Bible without the commentaries and sermons.

Together with what I've read from Nouwen recently (though yes, ironic or not, that is yet another book/commentary on the spiritual life), I realize that it can be very easy to just go from one book/wise person/sermon to the next without even really reading the Bible by yourself. I bought a compact ESV Bible recently, and somehow this translation really makes things rather clear. I cannot even count or recall how many dozens of books, study Bibles, and sermons I or my parents have spent money on in all of my life as a Christian. It's refreshing to just read the Bible early in the morning. I've been utilizing this site afterwards, to see some basic commentaries, but on the whole, it's been interesting going without a guide for a season.

Related to that, I'm amazed at how much Scripture is imbedded in my heart. True, in the midst of struggle and sorrow, that's what intentional verse memorization is for, but I am amazed how someone like me who has previously lived an adulterous life - memorizing verses like really, really well while never even actually reading the Bible (and let's be real, I could ignore Bible-readin' again in some other season) - can start to see the effects of reading and letting the Word of God take root. This has been a very recent discovery. I'll be sitting in Fellowship Group or someone is telling me something weird, or I'll be crying about one thing or another, and then Scripture, though perhaps sometimes with a vague reference like "Jesus said at some point", will come out at me. I'm not gonna lie, it's a satisfying experience, and I hope I remain grateful for it. It's so much better than quoting Tim Keller or Henri Nouwen. Because the Word of God is THE Word of God. The Word is His primary means of grace in the world as Paige Brown says (I know, I'm a walking contradiction ^_^, but there's lots of Scripture about the Word too: Joshua 1:8, 2 Timothy 3:16). I like how that's worded, "primary means of grace". The most powerful resource for life on earth.

Healthy Weight Loss plus Nouwen/Love/Loneliness

So I've lost about 10 lbs now, using the The Daily Plate. I'm amazed at how easy it has been for me to do, just because it's very convenient being at a computer all day. This is the graph of my progress (but because I'm a lady, I'm not going to publish the numbers that correspond ;-p). Weekends I usually don't log stuff in, and you can tell by the graph because it'll be the lowest weight I've ever been and then on Monday it goes up. Also a lot of the net calories on Fridays are weird, because I usually didn't finish off the day. But so far the process has really worked out overall as a balance between watching what I eat, and yet still being able to eat cookies ^_^. It's cool to see that a decrease in net calories (either eating less or exercising some off) really leads to a decrease in weight. Also, there's that huge loss on March 6th only because I finally got a weigh scale from craigslist and started to weigh myself every weekday.


Started reading "Reaching Out" by Henri Nouwen. Some really convicting quotes:

"Friendship and love cannot develop in the form of an anxious clinging to each other. They ask for gentle fearless space in which we can move to and from each other. As long as our loneliness brings us together with the hope that together we no longer will be alone, we castigate each other with our unfulfilled and unrealistic desires for oneness, inner tranquility and the uninterrupted experience of communion."

"But real oppenness to each other also means a real closedness, because only he who can hold a secret can safely share his knowledge...An inimate relationship between people not only asks for mutual openness but also for mutual respectful protection of each other's uniqueness."

"There is a false form of honesty that suggests that nothing should remain hidden and that everything should be said, expressed and communicated. This honesty can be very harmful, and if it does not harm, it at least makes relationship flat, superficial, empty and often very boring."

GAH! I am just utterly struck by my need for the Gospel to be true, otherwise I collapse into nothingness. Otherwise, I demand intimacy from other people, and suck them dry. Well, lets hope I grew out of that somewhat, but at the end of the day, I still struggle with knowing what is appropriate to find in community and what to ultimately find in God.

One of the women in our Fellowship Group is currently pregnant and might give birth any day now. She was remarking on how weird it is that as an adult, she has experienced all kinds of love (parents, sibling, friendship, husband) and then you have a baby, and that's a completely new kind of love. I'm only 23, and have not experienced all the kinds she has, and I think the more love I experience from people, the more wisdom I must have in knowing how to deal with that. Like everytime I start loving another person or start loving a person more, I realize that it just means I need to love God all the more. It doesn't necessarily mean I demote the person in my life, it means I must place God higher than even that. I think that's how the Church of Christ is built up to become more and more like God. That's really hard to figure out, especially with a heart that's so selfish and sinful. You start to realize how high, wide and deep God's love is, and his capacity to love is infinitely greater than I'll ever get to. It's kind of like looking at my grandparents and knowing how much they gave up for their children and grandchildren, and thinking..man, could I do that?..but times infinity.

I didn't grow up with any deep friendships. And I think that has a lot to do with what God thought was best for my maturity. Things like that aren't just throwaway facts of a terrible childhood, but crafted by God to be that way for His own glory.

This idea brings hope and comfort, but it doesn't make the pain of the process go away. That's what makes counseling so necessary. And as Nouwen points out: "The real spiritual guide is the one who, instead of advising us what to do or whom to go offers us a chance to stay alone and take the risk of entering into our own experience." Basically, don't waste your sorrows and ultimately deal with loneliness by entering into it with just you and God, and use the opportunity to see more of God and His glory and love. It's surprising how faithfully God shows up when we truly ask Him to.

Gah, the Gospel!

I started reading this intro by J.I. Packer for a book of John Owen's, "The Death of Death in the Death of Christ" (haha, yes it makes me giggle). Just read part 1 of it where he talks about the need for the recovery of the Gospel. How people have made the Gospel all about help for man, instead of the fuller description as giving glory to God.

"Accordingly, the themes of man's natural inability to believe, of God's free election being the ultimate cause of salvation, and of Christ dying specifically for his sheep are not preached. These doctrines, it would be said, are not 'helpful'; they would drive sinners to despair, by suggesting to them that it is not in their own power to be saved through Christ. (The possibility that such despair might be salutary is not considered: it is taken for granted that it cannot be, because it is so shattering to our self-esteem.) However this may be (and we shall say more about it later), the result of these omissions is that part of the biblical gospel is now preached as if it were the whole of that gospel; and a half-truth masquerading as the whole truth becomes a complete untruth. Thus, we appeal to men as if they all had the ability to receive Christ at any time; we speak of his redeeming work as if he had make it possible for us to save ourselves by believing; we speak of God's love as if it were no more than a general willingness to receive any who will turn and trust; and we depict the Father and the Son, not as sovereignly active in drawing sinners to themselves, but as waiting in quiet impotence 'at the door of our hearts' for us to let them in."

This thought has been shattering my self-made view of God lately. Yes, you start reading this and you think, well, it's basic belief in sinners saved by grace not by works. But do we really live this way? Do you wake up in complete reliance on Jesus dying for you? Do you really hate sin as evil? Do you really abhor sin or do you just hate the consequences of self-hate and look to the Gospel as a form relief from your suffering, never really letting the redemptive work of Jesus take over and returning to sin over and over again? I've been doing the latter and realized how hard it is to do the former. To be universally sincere in accepting the Gospel as the power of God, not just a help.

Yes, God is always welcoming and always waiting for us to turn, but neither is this our work, but only through the work of the Spirit. God is more than a Help, He is the very power that propels you.

This is how the Gospel is offensive as a intelligent, educated, highly self-sufficient person. It's so unnerving to think that my little attempts to clean myself up only make me dirtier and uglier with indwelling sin. To think that I am totally incapable of making friends without Jesus. To think that I am totally incapable of doing or having any work without the Spirit. To think I can keep it together and be a solid, supportive girlfriend without the Lord. Basically, the idea that I'm not being real about my sins at all, if I don't see their true evil. It sucks, and you almost don't know how to approach a God like that, a God that is so holy that even the very way you praise Him is inadequate and like dirty menstruation rags. Like you never really knew God at all. He makes Himself known, yet He is utterly unknowable. He reveals Himself, but He is unrevealed.

This tension rages on. And I can only pray and meditate feebly, having faith that the Spirit will move, and that God is still with me and for me. That this is still true: "God is mine helper." - Psalms 54:4 and all the truer with the fullness of the Gospel. He infinitely loves me and cherishes my heart and my life because all He sees is Jesus. We can only be justified by faith. And I knew all this from the beginning, but the Gospel just runs deeper and deeper with meaning with every movement and revelation of God. Justification and sanctification should be the same exact thing, a process done daily and throughout my life.

May I always say with joy and gladness: I'm a Christian, can you even believe it?!?!

Processing (...and this is just one passage)

"Truth loves the light and is most beautiful when most naked."

The problem with truth is no one really has it. So everyone, as in every human being, runs around thinking they've got the "Truth" when really they've just got a little truth. Totally changing the quote in my header line to this, because I feel like a new season is upon me (haha who knows if it's true?). Besides, I like the idea of nakedness. Fun part of not being in school is the freedom to determine a season of life separate from semesters, quarters, breaks, and when things are due.

Blogging is difficult when you're going through a lot of stuff. I've been struggling with defining what would be helpful to process here. I find myself sincerely disinterested in writing a post and rushing one at the end of the day or not at all. Also, it's hard to fight that feeling of performance on here, considering apparently I have a larger audience than I thought. Remarkably however, though there is a lot to process, it hasn't been burdensome, and I remain grateful instead of angry. So great is the Lord's grace that has carried me through a lot to get to a point where I can be happy and joyful, even with the hard things in life. So great is His love and affection toward me...ME!

Hmmm...so let me discuss the following long ass quote from John Owen:
"Hatred of sin as sin, not only as galling or disquieting, a sense of the love of Christ in the cross, lie at the bottom of all true spiritual mortification. Now, it is certain that that which I speak of proceeds from self-love. Thou settest thyself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such a lust or sin; what is the reason of it? It disquiets thee, it hath taken away thy peace, it fills thy heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear; thou hast no rest because of it. Yea; but, friend, thou hast neglected prayer or reading; thou hast been vain and loose in thy conversation in other things, that have not been of the same nature with that lust wherewith thou art perplexed. These are no less sins and evils than those under which thou groanest. Jesus Christ bled for them also. Why dost thou not set thyself against them also? If thou hatest sin as sin, every evil way, thou wouldst be no less watchful against every thing that grieves and disquiets thine own soul. It is evident that thou contendest against sin merely because of thy own trouble by it. Would thy conscience be quiet under it, thou wouldst let it alone. Did it not disquiet thee, it should not be disquieted by thee. Now, canst thou think that God will set in with such hypocritical endeavours, -- that ever his Spirit will bear witness to the treachery and falsehood of thy spirit? Dost thou think he will ease thee of that which perplexeth thee, that thou mayst be at liberty to that which no less grieves him? No. Says God, "Here is one, if he could be rid of this lust I should never hear of him more; let him wrestle with this, or he is lost." Let not any man think to do his own work that will not do God's. God's work consists in universal obedience; to be freed of the present perplexity is their own only. Hence is that of the apostle, 2 Cor. 7:1, "Cleanse yourselves from all pollution of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God." If we will do any thing, we must do all things. So, then, it is not only an intense opposition to this or that peculiar lust, but a universal humble frame and temper of heart, with watchfulness over every evil and for the performance of every duty, that is accepted."


I used to think "Elder Son" was more of a danger for mature Christians like the Rick Warrens and Tim Kellers of this world. People who are not just part of a ministry but help found ministries and general do good throughout society. But I realized that isn't true at all. Jesus said that if you have hatred in your heart for another person, you have murdered them and that if you lust after someone who is not your spouse, then you have committed adultery. Why can't it be applied that if you even think that going to small group regularly, hanging out with Christian friends all the time, etc. can save you, then you are in fact being an "Elder Son", spitting on the Cross and mocking the blood of Christ.

If you haven't noticed I've been reading a lot about and by the Puritans. And it's making me think a lot about how I operate theologically, which of course influences my ideas about ministry and evangelism. Specifically, this passage makes me re-think my own experience processing the greatness of my sin (...that sounds like I'm implying I'm done, but we all know I'm absolutely not). I came into Navs with all my addictions, neediness and shame. When the true power of the Gospel was shown to me at the Penn State retreat of my freshman year, I confessed to God and those around me. I set myself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such lust and sin. And I hated sin as "galling or disquieting" and it filled my heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear. But I didn't hate sin for sin, I hated sin because I realized it was bad and out of a spirit of self-love, not because I thought God was good and that I loved Him. Because of this, I came back to sinning over and over again. And I was usually very surprised when the more obvious sins of my life came back. Like I thought I was over it. I went on like that for a few years because God said, "let [her] wrestle with this, or [s]he is lost".


Then, all of a sudden, I fell in love with God for who He is and what He had done, not because I wanted His peace and wanted to be seen as "good" and mature or I wanted to be well-liked by my Christian friends. It is truly the work of the Spirit and no one else. I can't pinpoint when the exact moment or season this happened, but it probably had something to do with counseling and starting to wrestle with God and just God, not my parents, not my friends, not even my idols. You can't trust anyone you don't know, and I was starting to know and trust God. God had called me to Himself.


I really like the point the passage makes about how much this twisted kind of mortification of sin is self-love and noticable with the neglect of every other thing in life that still have everything to do with our sinfulness. If I'm really working on not looking at porn anymore (and succeeding), but then don't daily read the Bible, don't pray unceasingily, don't go to church, drink to the point of incoherance or even just spending money freely without gratefulness to the God who gave it to me thinking I earned it, then what use is the one victory? What kind of heart could I have obeying God one way but blatantly and obstinately disobeying God every other way? What sucks is outwardly, I think I'm doing it right or at least I'm not that bad, that I'm being a Christian, but really I've just diverted my energies from an obvious sin to a more sinister and insidious and dangerous kind. Sin that can go on for the rest of my life un-challenged and all the while corrupting every part of me to the point that I won't be myself anymore. I'll be some other demented kind of person with no true self, for my true self is only in Christ.

By the true, powerful and redemptive grace of the Spirit, I'm in a better place, which is always good. But I would be a fool if I didn't look back and see how wrong I was all the times I thought I was alright and assume that I'm done. In fact, what's great about Owen is how he emphasizes that the mortification of sin is a lifelong, daily practice. It's a constant putting to death, with the understanding that indwelling sin will never be dead in this world. I am always capable of taking my temptations to the extreme, lustful thoughts to sex outside of marriage, bitterness to hate to murder. It is a constant, perpetual going to Jesus and letting the Spirit do its work. The paradox is the key and understanding it will take a lifetime. Nevertheless, the mortification of sin is work for believers (who have had a real encounter with Christ and a real surrender of their lives) to do, not people who don't hate sin for sin but in fact love it and relish in temptation and use the Gospel for their own ends of relief and self-justification.

I cannot believe how much I'm learning from Mortification of Sin. Everything that John Owen says may seem familiar, but no one, NO ONE, ever says it like this anymore. And it's not just the old English ^_^. It's weird to realize that I'm reading this now because I'm ready to read it and not at any other time was I ready for such truth to pierce my heart. (And I credit Ben for turning me on to it). I'm not done with the book yet, and I could write on and on for so many other passages. This is probably one of the most important books I've read in my life. Read it if you feel lead to.

Hebrews Throwing it Down!

It's so quiet today. It's funny how a snow storm just keeps people at home....ah someday I'll be able to do that.

This is one of those posts that's like a paper that doesn't have connected paragraphs ala Xaris's free writing style. FREEDOM!

I've been reading Hebrews and I've been wrestling with some thoughts. I like how Tim Keller always says everyone needs to take the Bible as a whole, you can't just leave stuff out and create your own religion. If you want to believe the part about Jesus loving you and dying for you, then you can't just ignore the parts where God tells you your money is not yours and that sex is sacred within the confines of marriage between a man and a woman. Wrestling with it, Job style, and coming to a sense of God's awesomeness is the point. Anyway...

"It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.

Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whim it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned.

Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case - things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them." -Hebrews 6:4-10

This is scary to me. Below is from the Christian Happiness sermon I keep talking about:

"Indeed, Christianity is now so low in the world, and there is such a want of the lively and vigorous actings of grace, even in those that are godly, that one, upon a cursory view, would think there was no such a tendency in religion as we talk of; but however the case is now in this degenerate age, yet there has been a time in the first ages of the church when the Christian religion had so great an influence on the minds of almost all that professed the name of Christ, that they did not regard all the worst the world could do to them. They slighted and despised all the tortures and pains that could be invented against them, and even the very women and children disregarded them and triumphed over them, and showed themselves to be happy, and were joyful in the midst of flames or on a gridiron, and enjoyed much more pleasure and satisfaction there than the wicked man does in the greatest affluence of the highest sensual delights: so that we see this certainly is the nature and tendency of Christianity. However, for want of due exercise it fails, and it is always either for want of a sufficiency of it, for want of the exercise of it, or from the natural imbecility and weakness of human nature, that it cloth not always produce those effects."

Also just read this on Calvinism.

First of all, I look at the Hebrew passage and think about why the writer is being so harsh. And it's because it was a pretty harsh time for the young Christian church. I remember Tim Keller's series on Hebrews called "Christ our Treasury" I think, and he just said this everytime about the epistle's audience. So in a sense, I can understand the sentiment. But man, it's so hard to think that people who fall away were never really Christians (1 John 2:19), but also that they're crucifying Jesus all over again. I can think of so many people in my life who have "fallen away" and it breaks my heart. It's just troubling though considering my own stupidity and depravity, how it is that I'm "chosen". One can never really figure out why and no answer in this world will satisfy. It isn't to say that everyone who seems like they've fallen away really has the fallen away. Whatever, I guess my point is this is really hard to live out. Hard to realize the real consequences of believing and unbelief, especially when it comes to people I actually know and love. All I can do is thank and praise God and trust in His wisdom.

"You will keep in perfect peace,
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in You." - Isaiah 26:3

Pure Notes

So this is a bit of a cop out, but really, it's revealing. I haven't had the time to really read through my notes from Pure until now (mainly because I had lent my notebook to someone). I thought I would just write out some pieces of it. I'm an arrows kind of person, I see people speaking in connections to the next thing they're saying.

Friday night - Paige Brown - Hannah's Desperate Heart 1 Samuel 1-2
We are not sufferers in need of a helper, we are sinners in need of a savior.

Desperation is leading Hannah to Jesus -> tears constitute prayer -> The Lord will mourn for you.

The song is about rejoicing in the Lord -> desperate heart is satisfied with knowing the Lord

We all have desperate lives, do you have a desperate heart?

Saturday morning - bah, I forget her name (Melissa Tamplin's counselor) - Sex, Just Say No
spiritual maturity = spiritual purity = sexual purity -> really talking about spiritual maturity

He blesses us where we are not because we're good, but He's good.

God uses His presence to invade you so you don't settle. -> conviction

Devil only has access to this life not our eternal one -> the purer we are the less power the enemy has from keeping us away from God's love.

repentance -> God takes your best (which is utter crap) and says "Yes, this is just what I wanted!"

If men are needy then God sends them another man -> Jesus.

You can't ruin what God has for you.

God is totally capable of saying Yes or No -> if He doesn't do anything He's trusting You w/ your spiritual maturity.

Saturday Lunch - Lynette Lewis
Everyone comes to a point where your dream is tested -> a process of separating the dream from the dreamer -> your dream feels forgotten -> God has set you apart, but not aside.

Choose to invest in the joy of your friends -> you will not be short-changed.

Saturday afternoon - Kathy Keller - Don't Waste Your Sorrows
If you didn't have the prior relationship [with God] before the suffering, then you don't get to access the comfort during the suffering.

God wants us to have a party in the valley of the shadow of death.

Redemption has cost God His Son -> He must think it was worth it.

Saturday night - Paige Brown - Eli's Compromised Heart 1 Samuel 2:12-36
Hard hearts are further hardened with God's judgment.

You're always floating somewhere.

God does not eliminate the competition, He says choose!

God cannot and does not forgive sin -> He forgives sinners -> sin must be paid for.

God says, "I do see you, and you're beautiful." -> not because you are, because you are His.

Sunday morning - Paige Brown - Samuel's Useful Heart 1 Samuel 3
God's word is grace -> absence of God's word is judgment -> when the Word is not received it is not sent.

The Bible is God's primary means of grace.

You know you've received, when you respond.

Our words are not deeds -> God's words make reality.

The Bible is about what God did for you, not what you should do for God.

Redeeming Love

So I finished it. Rather anti-climactically might I add, because I almost totally expected it to end the way it did. I realized while talking to Ben yesterday that it oddly somehow mirrored my thoughts, prayers, and spiritual inner life throughout the month of September. Ideally, kind of like in the Bible, you should see yourself in every character, from the pure Miriam to the embittered Paul. From the broken prostitute to the Godly farmer.

Not that this book was any sort of catalyst, but it really was a companion of my thoughts. I started praying the way Michael prayed, sometimes with the exact words, almost imagining the Italics in my head. I cried over the lies that Angel would tell herself, knowing that that's how I talk to myself sometimes. Sometimes I would be reading the book on the train, and a minute later be faced with similar obstacles and with as much need for the Spirit as a character in the book did. The need to hear God call me and whisper, Beloved.

Anyway, I'm moving on to another book. Not quite sure if I'd want it to be so girly and intense. Btw, the book was sitting on my desk at some point, as I sometimes have it out to read a quick page or two, and a co-worker (same marriage guy mentioned in another post) saw it and asked me. "Is that a romance novel(!?), let me see that." I held it up and tried to explain: But no, it actually has to do with the Bible (but I don't think he really heard me through the clear part of the cubicle wall). He just gave me a look of disapproval, and walked away. It sucked, but I don't really care what he thinks about me. I just hate not being able to be understood correctly and clearly. Like it's not bad enough that I'm the only young woman around here who obviously is hardly working.

Conformity

Due to different forces: my own sense of conformity, lack of xanga access at work, etc.; I've decided to create this blog. It's quite apropos really, I did just graduate and it's a good cut off point for xanga, which I remember I started because my girlfriends in high school wanted to keep in touch during college...se la vie.

Basic facts: My work is based in Jersey City, though I do come into Manhattan for meetings at times. The commute is about 1 hour.

Work has been good...before it's sunk in that this is real. This is my life. It doesn't help that I don't get much work to do around here, but really it's workings of the Spirit. I've probably made the subtlest change out of anyone I know who graduated. I didn't even move apartments, change roommates, change neighborhoods, change churches, change friends...nope, pretty much all similar. But definitely not the same, it's never the way you think it's going to be. People are always telling me that graduating from college is a big deal, and I think it took me awhile to let it sink into my flesh.

Ben got me reading this book "Dynamics of the Spiritual Life: An Evangelical Theology of Renewal" by Richard Lovelace. Here's a good quote: "The lifelong process of mortifying sin involves a gradual detection process by which the particular forms in which sin expresses itself in our lives, our characteristic flesh, are uncovered to our view. Some of this discovery of sin occurs early in our Christian lives, but the subtlety of indwelling sin is such that many of its deeper roots remain under the surface of consciousness, where they will continue to distort our lives if they are not uncovered later."

I sometimes long for the days when sanctification was easier, more cut-throat, whole limbs being thrown into the fire. "Oh, I should really stop doing that, it isn't healthy." But now I must be in lacroscopic surgery with the delicate instruments of prayer and the Word. Everyday is a constant spiritual struggle to hold fast onto Jesus. I feel too weak for the call of holiness, and I fear failure and letting people down. My life has changed dramatically and I fear that I can't handle this, despite all the encouragement from people who have said otherwise.

That being said, I know I'm making the right steps. It's daunting to fully realize the idea that this is hard, without being difficult. And everything is just going to take awhile, I have no control and completely dependent on Christ (despite my seeming independent living in the world).