Waiting

I don't really like the word "Waiting". I think for me the word itself is not enough to describe what's really going on. It sounds stagnant, like nothing is happening.

There are times when I can't stand waiting, like when it's been an hour and the doctor still hasn't seen me yet, while I've been sitting there on the examination table with no pants on. There are times when I don't mind waiting, like as I wait to see if I'm getting my period next week. Knowing the science behind my uterus, I'd rather the egg really make sure it's going to be in a good spot, and in my mind, time is helpful for that. Well, it doesn't prevent me from starting to take the pregnancy tests though, hoping to see some glimmer of a positive.

I'm led to think about this song. The very first time I heard this song was from an unemployed African American lady who was living in a AIDS/HIV hospice. I was going to a CG run by David and Susan Plant at the time, back when they lived in the Village. And that group would run a worship service at the Bailey House once a month on a Sunday. To be honest this lady didn't sound very good, but I knew so much of what she was singing was coming from a real place of anguish and yet hope. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced, was hearing her sing that song. "I just can't give up now, come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me, the road would be easy, but I don't believe He's brought me this far just to leave me." Such faith, I thought. It's such an active type of waiting.

I think the weird thing about waiting to have a baby in the last 10 months, is how separated this is from what I need to seem like when at work. As I wait to have a baby, I am waiting to have a drastic shift in my life, waiting to stay at home with a living creature with all these needs. But at work, I need to seem like I'm not waiting for anything, I need to seem like I'm still working for that promotion, working to improve my skills. And to be fair, it's not like I'm not working for that. It's not like I can half ass work. Honestly, the work itself may be frustrating, but the people I work with are really great. And I'm doing well, if I can take the managerial feedback to heart. I've already gotten a small raise, I haven't even been there a year. Ugh, they're crazy. I get lucky in Corporate America yet again.

Meanwhile I have to go to all these doctor's appointments. My work starts at 7:30am. All my appointments are also at that time, and I usually am not done with it all until 9am to 10am. Designed for those working at 9am I guess (What is that like?! I have never had a job where I started at 9am.). Thankfully, my work instated last May a work from home once a week policy. And then all of a sudden in August, the building we were in was deemed not seismically safe, and everyone either can now work from home or move to an office in Simi Valley (1 hour away from me). It cannot be weirder how this is happening right now. I mean, this sounds made up. If I get pregnant, I'll have NO issues hiding morning sickness and whatnot until I was ready to tell my manager. And the more I can delay that, the more I can delay conversations about what will happen when I'm on "maternity leave".

I seeked out a mentor at work, more as a to-do because my manager told me to, versus actually wanting one, since it didn't make sense to me to get one if I wasn't really wanting to change jobs. So I found a mentor in a pregnant lady who's a Director level, and who is currently on maternity leave. I told her my plans and what I was going through. And I was slightly embarrassed, because I didn't want to sound disappointing for leaning-back(?) as they say. She is one of the smartest ladies at work, which is something to say in a workplace where I've found the talent lacking, with an MBA from Wharton and everything. I couldn't help being awkward when I told her. She wasn't mean or anything, but I could kind of sense the "Oh." feeling I was getting from her. It was a reminder that the judgment from corners that don't really have a say in my life will be coming, so in a way I am relishing this time when the world does not need to know.

Then again, I hope this waiting for baby does not have to happen for long!

NEW!

My new project is definitely miles away (literally and figuratively) from my previous one. I've been doing some real work and real thinking. I'm starting to remember that I did go to business school and that I work in Finance. I'm sharing an office with my manager and a new grad (as we call Business Analysts who just graduated ^_^), and it is surprisingly good and bad in different ways.

Bad:

1. Manager would be able to clearly see everything I do. And there is no way for me to hide, even if I did want him to forget I exist for a little while and not give me work. I have no excuse but to turn around and ask him what I should be doing.

2. Despite a shorter commute (by like 10 minutes..but whatever), I'm required to come in at 8:30am, which is normal in New York finance world. It's cool and all, but the transition is still a little jarring.

3. I'm doing real work and thus am actually feeling really vulnerable and wanting more feedback, because I know I'm displaying my abilities and skills to a Partner (as in he started the company!) and a Managing Director. I can't really tell if I'm disappointing or not, quite yet. I'm actually starting to feel that feeling I used to get in the morning before an exam or something. Not actually fear, maybe more like adrenaline/uneasiness at the things that are not known.

4. The new grad is always asking me what I'm doing, because she also wants to learn from me. It's a bit annoying though, as sometimes I just want to screw around on the Internetz.

5. I don't feel comfortable nesting there the way I did at the previous bank. I haven't brought on the pictures yet.

GOOD!:

1. My manager and the new grad are really funny, and I have surprisingly felt at ease with them most of the time. My manager is A LOT like Jim from "The Office", NO JOKE! It's weird, but I don't notice this until I stop talking to him about the project. The new grad is very talkative and quite a go-getter kind of person. She makes me feel welcome.

2. It's a 50-minute commute to an area that is accessible to a lot of other neighborhoods in the city. I have grown to really appreciate this after Jersey City!!

3. I'm doing real work and thinking really hard about things I should be thinking hard about (not centerpieces, puppies, etc.). This makes me feel like a normal working professional. I also never felt so much like a consultant than in this environment.

4. I no longer feel awkward working with solely middle-aged, cynical, self-deprecating, old school, Finance men with whom I never really knew how to have a normal conversation with (except Joel, who I miss dearly <_>).

This project goes on for at least another month, and then we don't know what comes next. I could be onto another project again. Anyway, if you don't hear from me, you'll know why!

Wedding Blogs and Moving Sites

I kind of really appreciated this post. I felt pretty similarly when I found out the ginormous amount of information there is on the internet when it comes to wedding planning. I've gotten to a point where I just want to like what I like and I'm sticking to it. What's worse is not a lot of the weddings or ideas I see are really plausible nor desire-able for Ben and me. It's definitely an art to just enjoy the beauty and not be overwhelmed by it.

Today is my last day at this client site. I almost can't believe that I'm not coming back here...maybe ever. It's both rather exciting and alarming at the same time. I almost got a beta fish, I've been here so long. It's a good thing I didn't!

It'll be a week or so until I find out for sure if I'm going to this other bank which is located in the World Financial Center. I think it still takes about an hour to get there, but the change in commute (which will be cheaper because I don't have to take the PATH!) is welcomed. I also look forward to being downtown again. It has been years since I worked down there. It's also a Japanese bank, and I look forward to experiencing another kind of corporate culture. This French bank I'm in now is sooo different from American banks, it's kind of really cool. I could write a paper on this.

Meanwhile, I'll be at our Times Square headquarters doing God knows what. I hope to be as helpful as possible with our internal projects. At the same time, I'd really like to get some short days or working from home days. Then I can finally fix the registration of my car!

Cha-cha-cha-changes

There's this new management structure that's being implemented in my company, and I'm meeting with my new managers today. I'm kind of excited, kind of dreading. I think I just don't like feeling so vulnerable about work stuff when it has nothing to do with counseling ^_^. But I think it's gonna be great overall and nothing to really worry about. My managers are great guys who've I've talked to candidly about a great many things. If anything, I might be able to voice things that I haven't been able to before, or just don't know how to. It's what's great about having a younger, smaller company I guess. Maybe I feel lost out there without structure, but the informality of it all really helps me feel secure in my relationships with work people...well, at least the management. I always was the type to have friends older than me.

My project has ended, and it's my last week here at the client. I can hardly believe it. My first and only project. It's more normal to have 3-4 projects a year, and yet here I've been at the same desk. It's weird. I always knew I would eventually leave, but there's a weird sensation that's similar to when you quit or lose your job (though Thank the Lord Almighty, I have yet to experience the latter). I've been taking stuff home slowly, the high-heel shoes, the umbrella I found on the subway, the newspapers I saved from the election, inauguration, and when Lehman collapsed...And all these pictures of friends and family. I also put down some stickies with the Scripture that meant the most to me in one of the most major transitions of my life. The pack rat in me wants to keep it all, but I think I'll be throwing stuff away more than not. I really nested here too. Most consultants have such a bare desk, you could hardly guess that it's being used. I guess I'm just different like that.

A part of me is relieved to have an excuse to do nothing. As in, it is valid that I have nothing to do because I haven't been given an assignment yet. My hope is that I might not need to come into the offices at all and "work from home", even just for a little while. What a gift that becomes when you start working. Even when I do save up my days and have a long vacation, there's just something about not having to wake up at 6am on a weekday and to nap in the middle of the afternoon. I may not have been busy at my job, but it's not the same as staying home and not coming in at all or not staring at a screen all day.

I think that's what I really like about my job. I always know that I'm eventually gonna leave wherever I'm at, but enjoy the relative stability of being a salaried worker. Who knew being a consultant would be so appropriate for me.

Path

I always get a headache on Mondays. I think it's because I've been out and about all weekend and then on Monday, my brain complains that I've just been staring at a screen all day.

It's very difficult to keep any sort of perspective somehow.

My boss, John, is a really smart fella. He has quite a diverse resume and it surprises me how sometimes I expect him not to know the answer to a question he somehow still has something insightful to say intimating that he at least knows more than nothing about the subject. He knows what it has to do with. That's rare, I think.

Something that's really frustrating and different about working is that yes, ok I have always worked with at least some people who are smarter than me..ok, I can deal with that. But then, at school, it's kind of more clear why someone is smarter than you whether it be a gift, early childhood development, hard work, more time put in, etc. But at work, the differences are more subtle, and how to become a higher acheiver is subtler still. Before I could ask a kid like Guantong (really smart Sternie friend), say how did you know that? And he'll say something to the effect of reading this book, or doing that practice test. But if I ask John the same question, it'd be tougher to answer. Was it gaining experience on a construction site? Was it all that time he spent in London? Was it because he dated that one crazy Czech girl who worked with so-and-so? So it's frustrating for me, only because I really don't know what to aim for...and it seems I really do have to know what I want. I think I've been so content in just entering a machinery as a cog, that I've never had to figure things like that out. Not that it's normal to expect to know exactly what you want to be (not just do), but I guess I've just never been the ambitious type. I always feel like I've fallen into this path that God would have me walk. Now I'm having trouble figuring out what my next steps should look like. I know the end is God, but what does that mean about my job now? I am confused, as always.