"22Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. 23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." - Colossians 3:22-24
We all know how this passage has been used for evil and injustice in the past. And it's really too bad, because I feel like whenever it's brought up, it's tainted with that. But that's the work of the enemy, and we must overcome the evil because we are the sons and daughters of a victorious God. And on that note...
My gracious husband brought this verse to mind for me in these last few somewhat tumultuous work weeks. It's strange that work and faith issues should come up only now and so suspiciously right after beginning a new life, a new normal and getting over other issues (clearly wedding, family, relationships related...and still there, just not prominent). But I guess that's how God wants it to be right now - obvious.
I had a less than stellar year-end review, which would usually not be so devastating for me, a decidedly above average but not too overachieving kind of person. Unfortunately, my work knows my potential too well, and despite having a perfect record of completing projects and giving the client what they want, they knew I could do better...and told me so, which is their job after all. I would've been promoted again this year, but didn't make the cut because of this (btw this was a bigger deal than last year's promotion because I would start managing people at the Senior Business Analyst level). There are lots of reasons of course, but the main ones being I was planning a wedding and I don't really prioritize work.
Somehow, this review felt different from all the B's I've gotten from good ol' Stern that made me feel subpar. For one thing, I was viewing work differently.
Ben and I have always talked freely about money as it related to heart issues and the practical workings of our individual finances. And our transition to one unit is probably much smoother than a couple who'd never even talked about it before. Just like anything though, you really don't know what you're talking about until it's actually happening to you. I thought a lot about the consequences of marrying someone who doesn't have an income. Being the woman AND the sole income earner for a family of 2 in NYC. My money is now really not just my money. Aside from accountability with how I spend it, there is now an implicit accountability to how I earn it. Yes, we depend on my income and employment, which doesn't necessarily mean a dependence on just me (more like a dependence on the gifts of God) but that doesn't mean I can ignore how this correlates to my performance. What if I were to lose my job today? This thought means something more real and different now than it did when I was single. Before, I would survive on savings, maybe ask my parents for money, maybe move to Jersey City for awhile if it really got down to it...but now I can't just go and do those things. I have not felt as insecure about my job since I didn't have one lined up my Senior year at NYU. Even through the financial crisis, I felt like I was in this little bubble of safety, working for banks without being an employee of one, being seen as revenue instead of cost minimizing, it was the last of my fearful thoughts. Now, I feel the pressure, even when it's not being applied, that I have to do well because someone else depends on me.
Now, I have to care about what work thinks of me and how I'm performing. There's a bad way to do it of course, but there's the elusive good, God-fearing, honoring way. The way that actually loves and serves people. The way that uses the standards of the kingdom of God not the broken, worldly standards of greed and ambition. I'm not just talking about loving people well, I'm talking about doing my job as excellently as I possibly can to make someone else's life easier, or to show that I care about what they care about. To be for the flourishing of the city. Because when the city prospers, I prosper. And in this time of financial vulnerability (which I didn't plan on for myself when I was single in post-graduate life...I did graduate from Stern after all, yes the arrogance of this is clear), I can find the lessons of complete reliance on my God who I don't believe has taken me this far just to leave me. He remains ever faithful and good. And I remain foolish if I think I can make plans without being flexible. If I think I know best how my life should go. I only have to look at how my life and how it has gone waaaaaaay past any dreams or goals I had for myself. I am not in charge, and that's a freeing experience to realize.
I went to a Financial Services Ministry event at Redeemer, where they appropriately talked about the parable of the talents. It's such an accessible parable, but it really has some powerful implications...much like any of Jesus's parables really. Notice that every servant is given a different amount of talents, because God knows what we ultimately can handle. The 2 talent guy and the 5 talent guy both increased their profits 100%. Notice too that no one lost anything, it's either you didn't do anything with your talent and got yelled at or you gained an unbelievable amount for the Master. The kingdom of God is the perfect investment, there's nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Either way, the servants were just stewards of what they'd been given.
So I've been put as a "slave" here on earth, as a worker, as a business analyst. I will do the work I have been given because it will ultimately please my true Master and Lord. I will do it with all the talents I've been given and not be like that 1 talent guy in the parable who just buries it in the ground. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain, by serving in my work. It is for Him that I work, not my manager, not my husband. This life is just a gift.
It isn't easy to live this out, but I'm excited by the possibility of growth.
Disclaimer: It isn't lost on me that Ben and I are in a much better financial situation than a lot of people in NYC or the world for that matter. The lifestyle we live would probably be called excessive in most developing countries. It's a social problem, and I plan on being part of the solution in different ways. But hopefully you all know what I mean by financial vulnerability.
Showing posts with label wisdom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wisdom. Show all posts
Friday, February 5, 2010
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Healthy Weight Loss plus Nouwen/Love/Loneliness
So I've lost about 10 lbs now, using the The Daily Plate. I'm amazed at how easy it has been for me to do, just because it's very convenient being at a computer all day. This is the graph of my progress (but because I'm a lady, I'm not going to publish the numbers that correspond ;-p). Weekends I usually don't log stuff in, and you can tell by the graph because it'll be the lowest weight I've ever been and then on Monday it goes up. Also a lot of the net calories on Fridays are weird, because I usually didn't finish off the day. But so far the process has really worked out overall as a balance between watching what I eat, and yet still being able to eat cookies ^_^. It's cool to see that a decrease in net calories (either eating less or exercising some off) really leads to a decrease in weight. Also, there's that huge loss on March 6th only because I finally got a weigh scale from craigslist and started to weigh myself every weekday.Started reading "Reaching Out" by Henri Nouwen. Some really convicting quotes:
"Friendship and love cannot develop in the form of an anxious clinging to each other. They ask for gentle fearless space in which we can move to and from each other. As long as our loneliness brings us together with the hope that together we no longer will be alone, we castigate each other with our unfulfilled and unrealistic desires for oneness, inner tranquility and the uninterrupted experience of communion."
"But real oppenness to each other also means a real closedness, because only he who can hold a secret can safely share his knowledge...An inimate relationship between people not only asks for mutual openness but also for mutual respectful protection of each other's uniqueness."
"There is a false form of honesty that suggests that nothing should remain hidden and that everything should be said, expressed and communicated. This honesty can be very harmful, and if it does not harm, it at least makes relationship flat, superficial, empty and often very boring."
GAH! I am just utterly struck by my need for the Gospel to be true, otherwise I collapse into nothingness. Otherwise, I demand intimacy from other people, and suck them dry. Well, lets hope I grew out of that somewhat, but at the end of the day, I still struggle with knowing what is appropriate to find in community and what to ultimately find in God.
One of the women in our Fellowship Group is currently pregnant and might give birth any day now. She was remarking on how weird it is that as an adult, she has experienced all kinds of love (parents, sibling, friendship, husband) and then you have a baby, and that's a completely new kind of love. I'm only 23, and have not experienced all the kinds she has, and I think the more love I experience from people, the more wisdom I must have in knowing how to deal with that. Like everytime I start loving another person or start loving a person more, I realize that it just means I need to love God all the more. It doesn't necessarily mean I demote the person in my life, it means I must place God higher than even that. I think that's how the Church of Christ is built up to become more and more like God. That's really hard to figure out, especially with a heart that's so selfish and sinful. You start to realize how high, wide and deep God's love is, and his capacity to love is infinitely greater than I'll ever get to. It's kind of like looking at my grandparents and knowing how much they gave up for their children and grandchildren, and thinking..man, could I do that?..but times infinity.
I didn't grow up with any deep friendships. And I think that has a lot to do with what God thought was best for my maturity. Things like that aren't just throwaway facts of a terrible childhood, but crafted by God to be that way for His own glory.
This idea brings hope and comfort, but it doesn't make the pain of the process go away. That's what makes counseling so necessary. And as Nouwen points out: "The real spiritual guide is the one who, instead of advising us what to do or whom to go offers us a chance to stay alone and take the risk of entering into our own experience." Basically, don't waste your sorrows and ultimately deal with loneliness by entering into it with just you and God, and use the opportunity to see more of God and His glory and love. It's surprising how faithfully God shows up when we truly ask Him to.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Who's money is it anyway? - RANT
This seems like the redux version of this movie. Very cool and very informative. Talk about generational sin! This is like me and my parents times trillions of dollars.
It made me think of some stuff about money that kind of really annoy me about people. This is why people should be paying taxes if you owe them. Give to Caeser what is Caeser's. For me, you don't have a right to complain about the government if 1) you don't vote 2) you don't pay taxes when you should. But forget about the practicality of paying taxes to a free government - it ain't your money anyway!
I think it's great when people are so generous to charity and ministry which is something, believe it or not, Americans do relatively well. But there seems to be a lot of Americans who wish they didn't have to pay taxes at all and get defensive about the government getting their money....but that's the thing, it's not our money, it's God's. So if it's not yours, then what's the difference between the duty of tithing and the obligation to "Caeser", both of which are commanded? My theory is it's easy to give to charity because it feels good, it's an obvious "good work" that maybe not everyone sees, but somebody sure does, even if it's just the person working at the church counting up the offering basket. But taxes don't feel good at all, they just feel like their taking money away with no "good works" points in return.
I think it's obvious that that's not the reason why we should be giving our money to anything. Life should be an outpouring of gratefulness and praise to God. Last time I checked money is definitely a part of life, especially living in the richest country in the world!! So giving my money to the Navigators is not how I gauge my love of money, it's more than that. Do I spend my money generously on other people? Do I pay my taxes without a grudge? Do I save so as not to be a burden on others? And really the question is: Who's money is this and am I using it in a way that is glorifying to Him? It's not about behavior modification, it's about what you believe about your money.
Of course, of course I'm not perfect at all in this. But I thought I'd get that off my chest, because now that it's tax season, I'm reading a lot about this stuff, and the fact that not paying taxes now is just going to lead to higher taxes later is rational, yet we are so not rational.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Processing (...and this is just one passage)
"Truth loves the light and is most beautiful when most naked."
The problem with truth is no one really has it. So everyone, as in every human being, runs around thinking they've got the "Truth" when really they've just got a little truth. Totally changing the quote in my header line to this, because I feel like a new season is upon me (haha who knows if it's true?). Besides, I like the idea of nakedness. Fun part of not being in school is the freedom to determine a season of life separate from semesters, quarters, breaks, and when things are due.
Blogging is difficult when you're going through a lot of stuff. I've been struggling with defining what would be helpful to process here. I find myself sincerely disinterested in writing a post and rushing one at the end of the day or not at all. Also, it's hard to fight that feeling of performance on here, considering apparently I have a larger audience than I thought. Remarkably however, though there is a lot to process, it hasn't been burdensome, and I remain grateful instead of angry. So great is the Lord's grace that has carried me through a lot to get to a point where I can be happy and joyful, even with the hard things in life. So great is His love and affection toward me...ME!
Hmmm...so let me discuss the following long ass quote from John Owen:
"Hatred of sin as sin, not only as galling or disquieting, a sense of the love of Christ in the cross, lie at the bottom of all true spiritual mortification. Now, it is certain that that which I speak of proceeds from self-love. Thou settest thyself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such a lust or sin; what is the reason of it? It disquiets thee, it hath taken away thy peace, it fills thy heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear; thou hast no rest because of it. Yea; but, friend, thou hast neglected prayer or reading; thou hast been vain and loose in thy conversation in other things, that have not been of the same nature with that lust wherewith thou art perplexed. These are no less sins and evils than those under which thou groanest. Jesus Christ bled for them also. Why dost thou not set thyself against them also? If thou hatest sin as sin, every evil way, thou wouldst be no less watchful against every thing that grieves and disquiets thine own soul. It is evident that thou contendest against sin merely because of thy own trouble by it. Would thy conscience be quiet under it, thou wouldst let it alone. Did it not disquiet thee, it should not be disquieted by thee. Now, canst thou think that God will set in with such hypocritical endeavours, -- that ever his Spirit will bear witness to the treachery and falsehood of thy spirit? Dost thou think he will ease thee of that which perplexeth thee, that thou mayst be at liberty to that which no less grieves him? No. Says God, "Here is one, if he could be rid of this lust I should never hear of him more; let him wrestle with this, or he is lost." Let not any man think to do his own work that will not do God's. God's work consists in universal obedience; to be freed of the present perplexity is their own only. Hence is that of the apostle, 2 Cor. 7:1, "Cleanse yourselves from all pollution of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God." If we will do any thing, we must do all things. So, then, it is not only an intense opposition to this or that peculiar lust, but a universal humble frame and temper of heart, with watchfulness over every evil and for the performance of every duty, that is accepted."
I used to think "Elder Son" was more of a danger for mature Christians like the Rick Warrens and Tim Kellers of this world. People who are not just part of a ministry but help found ministries and general do good throughout society. But I realized that isn't true at all. Jesus said that if you have hatred in your heart for another person, you have murdered them and that if you lust after someone who is not your spouse, then you have committed adultery. Why can't it be applied that if you even think that going to small group regularly, hanging out with Christian friends all the time, etc. can save you, then you are in fact being an "Elder Son", spitting on the Cross and mocking the blood of Christ.
If you haven't noticed I've been reading a lot about and by the Puritans. And it's making me think a lot about how I operate theologically, which of course influences my ideas about ministry and evangelism. Specifically, this passage makes me re-think my own experience processing the greatness of my sin (...that sounds like I'm implying I'm done, but we all know I'm absolutely not). I came into Navs with all my addictions, neediness and shame. When the true power of the Gospel was shown to me at the Penn State retreat of my freshman year, I confessed to God and those around me. I set myself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such lust and sin. And I hated sin as "galling or disquieting" and it filled my heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear. But I didn't hate sin for sin, I hated sin because I realized it was bad and out of a spirit of self-love, not because I thought God was good and that I loved Him. Because of this, I came back to sinning over and over again. And I was usually very surprised when the more obvious sins of my life came back. Like I thought I was over it. I went on like that for a few years because God said, "let [her] wrestle with this, or [s]he is lost".
Then, all of a sudden, I fell in love with God for who He is and what He had done, not because I wanted His peace and wanted to be seen as "good" and mature or I wanted to be well-liked by my Christian friends. It is truly the work of the Spirit and no one else. I can't pinpoint when the exact moment or season this happened, but it probably had something to do with counseling and starting to wrestle with God and just God, not my parents, not my friends, not even my idols. You can't trust anyone you don't know, and I was starting to know and trust God. God had called me to Himself.
I really like the point the passage makes about how much this twisted kind of mortification of sin is self-love and noticable with the neglect of every other thing in life that still have everything to do with our sinfulness. If I'm really working on not looking at porn anymore (and succeeding), but then don't daily read the Bible, don't pray unceasingily, don't go to church, drink to the point of incoherance or even just spending money freely without gratefulness to the God who gave it to me thinking I earned it, then what use is the one victory? What kind of heart could I have obeying God one way but blatantly and obstinately disobeying God every other way? What sucks is outwardly, I think I'm doing it right or at least I'm not that bad, that I'm being a Christian, but really I've just diverted my energies from an obvious sin to a more sinister and insidious and dangerous kind. Sin that can go on for the rest of my life un-challenged and all the while corrupting every part of me to the point that I won't be myself anymore. I'll be some other demented kind of person with no true self, for my true self is only in Christ.
By the true, powerful and redemptive grace of the Spirit, I'm in a better place, which is always good. But I would be a fool if I didn't look back and see how wrong I was all the times I thought I was alright and assume that I'm done. In fact, what's great about Owen is how he emphasizes that the mortification of sin is a lifelong, daily practice. It's a constant putting to death, with the understanding that indwelling sin will never be dead in this world. I am always capable of taking my temptations to the extreme, lustful thoughts to sex outside of marriage, bitterness to hate to murder. It is a constant, perpetual going to Jesus and letting the Spirit do its work. The paradox is the key and understanding it will take a lifetime. Nevertheless, the mortification of sin is work for believers (who have had a real encounter with Christ and a real surrender of their lives) to do, not people who don't hate sin for sin but in fact love it and relish in temptation and use the Gospel for their own ends of relief and self-justification.
I cannot believe how much I'm learning from Mortification of Sin. Everything that John Owen says may seem familiar, but no one, NO ONE, ever says it like this anymore. And it's not just the old English ^_^. It's weird to realize that I'm reading this now because I'm ready to read it and not at any other time was I ready for such truth to pierce my heart. (And I credit Ben for turning me on to it). I'm not done with the book yet, and I could write on and on for so many other passages. This is probably one of the most important books I've read in my life. Read it if you feel lead to.
The problem with truth is no one really has it. So everyone, as in every human being, runs around thinking they've got the "Truth" when really they've just got a little truth. Totally changing the quote in my header line to this, because I feel like a new season is upon me (haha who knows if it's true?). Besides, I like the idea of nakedness. Fun part of not being in school is the freedom to determine a season of life separate from semesters, quarters, breaks, and when things are due.
Blogging is difficult when you're going through a lot of stuff. I've been struggling with defining what would be helpful to process here. I find myself sincerely disinterested in writing a post and rushing one at the end of the day or not at all. Also, it's hard to fight that feeling of performance on here, considering apparently I have a larger audience than I thought. Remarkably however, though there is a lot to process, it hasn't been burdensome, and I remain grateful instead of angry. So great is the Lord's grace that has carried me through a lot to get to a point where I can be happy and joyful, even with the hard things in life. So great is His love and affection toward me...ME!
Hmmm...so let me discuss the following long ass quote from John Owen:
"Hatred of sin as sin, not only as galling or disquieting, a sense of the love of Christ in the cross, lie at the bottom of all true spiritual mortification. Now, it is certain that that which I speak of proceeds from self-love. Thou settest thyself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such a lust or sin; what is the reason of it? It disquiets thee, it hath taken away thy peace, it fills thy heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear; thou hast no rest because of it. Yea; but, friend, thou hast neglected prayer or reading; thou hast been vain and loose in thy conversation in other things, that have not been of the same nature with that lust wherewith thou art perplexed. These are no less sins and evils than those under which thou groanest. Jesus Christ bled for them also. Why dost thou not set thyself against them also? If thou hatest sin as sin, every evil way, thou wouldst be no less watchful against every thing that grieves and disquiets thine own soul. It is evident that thou contendest against sin merely because of thy own trouble by it. Would thy conscience be quiet under it, thou wouldst let it alone. Did it not disquiet thee, it should not be disquieted by thee. Now, canst thou think that God will set in with such hypocritical endeavours, -- that ever his Spirit will bear witness to the treachery and falsehood of thy spirit? Dost thou think he will ease thee of that which perplexeth thee, that thou mayst be at liberty to that which no less grieves him? No. Says God, "Here is one, if he could be rid of this lust I should never hear of him more; let him wrestle with this, or he is lost." Let not any man think to do his own work that will not do God's. God's work consists in universal obedience; to be freed of the present perplexity is their own only. Hence is that of the apostle, 2 Cor. 7:1, "Cleanse yourselves from all pollution of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God." If we will do any thing, we must do all things. So, then, it is not only an intense opposition to this or that peculiar lust, but a universal humble frame and temper of heart, with watchfulness over every evil and for the performance of every duty, that is accepted."
I used to think "Elder Son" was more of a danger for mature Christians like the Rick Warrens and Tim Kellers of this world. People who are not just part of a ministry but help found ministries and general do good throughout society. But I realized that isn't true at all. Jesus said that if you have hatred in your heart for another person, you have murdered them and that if you lust after someone who is not your spouse, then you have committed adultery. Why can't it be applied that if you even think that going to small group regularly, hanging out with Christian friends all the time, etc. can save you, then you are in fact being an "Elder Son", spitting on the Cross and mocking the blood of Christ.
If you haven't noticed I've been reading a lot about and by the Puritans. And it's making me think a lot about how I operate theologically, which of course influences my ideas about ministry and evangelism. Specifically, this passage makes me re-think my own experience processing the greatness of my sin (...that sounds like I'm implying I'm done, but we all know I'm absolutely not). I came into Navs with all my addictions, neediness and shame. When the true power of the Gospel was shown to me at the Penn State retreat of my freshman year, I confessed to God and those around me. I set myself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such lust and sin. And I hated sin as "galling or disquieting" and it filled my heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear. But I didn't hate sin for sin, I hated sin because I realized it was bad and out of a spirit of self-love, not because I thought God was good and that I loved Him. Because of this, I came back to sinning over and over again. And I was usually very surprised when the more obvious sins of my life came back. Like I thought I was over it. I went on like that for a few years because God said, "let [her] wrestle with this, or [s]he is lost".
Then, all of a sudden, I fell in love with God for who He is and what He had done, not because I wanted His peace and wanted to be seen as "good" and mature or I wanted to be well-liked by my Christian friends. It is truly the work of the Spirit and no one else. I can't pinpoint when the exact moment or season this happened, but it probably had something to do with counseling and starting to wrestle with God and just God, not my parents, not my friends, not even my idols. You can't trust anyone you don't know, and I was starting to know and trust God. God had called me to Himself.
I really like the point the passage makes about how much this twisted kind of mortification of sin is self-love and noticable with the neglect of every other thing in life that still have everything to do with our sinfulness. If I'm really working on not looking at porn anymore (and succeeding), but then don't daily read the Bible, don't pray unceasingily, don't go to church, drink to the point of incoherance or even just spending money freely without gratefulness to the God who gave it to me thinking I earned it, then what use is the one victory? What kind of heart could I have obeying God one way but blatantly and obstinately disobeying God every other way? What sucks is outwardly, I think I'm doing it right or at least I'm not that bad, that I'm being a Christian, but really I've just diverted my energies from an obvious sin to a more sinister and insidious and dangerous kind. Sin that can go on for the rest of my life un-challenged and all the while corrupting every part of me to the point that I won't be myself anymore. I'll be some other demented kind of person with no true self, for my true self is only in Christ.
By the true, powerful and redemptive grace of the Spirit, I'm in a better place, which is always good. But I would be a fool if I didn't look back and see how wrong I was all the times I thought I was alright and assume that I'm done. In fact, what's great about Owen is how he emphasizes that the mortification of sin is a lifelong, daily practice. It's a constant putting to death, with the understanding that indwelling sin will never be dead in this world. I am always capable of taking my temptations to the extreme, lustful thoughts to sex outside of marriage, bitterness to hate to murder. It is a constant, perpetual going to Jesus and letting the Spirit do its work. The paradox is the key and understanding it will take a lifetime. Nevertheless, the mortification of sin is work for believers (who have had a real encounter with Christ and a real surrender of their lives) to do, not people who don't hate sin for sin but in fact love it and relish in temptation and use the Gospel for their own ends of relief and self-justification.
I cannot believe how much I'm learning from Mortification of Sin. Everything that John Owen says may seem familiar, but no one, NO ONE, ever says it like this anymore. And it's not just the old English ^_^. It's weird to realize that I'm reading this now because I'm ready to read it and not at any other time was I ready for such truth to pierce my heart. (And I credit Ben for turning me on to it). I'm not done with the book yet, and I could write on and on for so many other passages. This is probably one of the most important books I've read in my life. Read it if you feel lead to.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Community
I have a habit of not trying too hard to explain myself when I write (why I got a B in Writing the Essay). This may be one of those posts.
This morning, I listened to Coldplay's "A Message". As most of you probably have heard it (I realize I enjoy music in a very isolated fashion and am not quite sure what everyone likes), here's just a snippet.
"My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes on
You don't have to be alone
Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it's so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own"
This morning I was reading this study by Beth Moore (my mom gave me for my birthday) on Jesus - "90 days with the one and only". Today she talked about how gracious God was to Mary. Gabriel didn't only tell her that she was a) going to be pregnant b) that it would be the Son of God, but also mentioned (obviously in Xaris paraphrasing world) c) "b-t-dubbs, your cousin Elizabeth is also having a radical, unexpected, and stigmatizing pregnancy too!" God was paying attention to the personal ramifications Mary was to endure. And after that, Mary goes to visit Elizabeth (who is like 70 miles away or something!) and Elizabeth has nothing but encouragement for her and shares in Mary's wonder.
You don't have to be on your own. Such a wonderful truth.
Ben and I had a "double datesky" with PJ and Gillian last Saturday. It was weird how remarkably blessed I felt by this. We weren't even talking about real deep stuff or insights about life. I can barely remember what we even really talked about or what any specific person said, including myself (which is really freaking odd, because I remember everything usually). Though without words being said outright, the commonality of our situations was so real that it was just a blessing to be in community with them.
Laura has written about this and related topics before (and much more extensively, with books and quotes to back her up ^_^), in obviously different circumstances from me, but what I have to say is similar, just me making my own peace about it. There's something alienating about being committed to another person when one is this young. It's not just about the time and energy that needs to be reallocated to only one person instead of spread to more people, it's also the heart knowledge of another person that uses this as currency. Not that I think my sisters don't know what's going on with me (obviously if you read this blog and talk to me once and awhile, you largely do), but it's just changed. It's not like in high school when I could tell my friends what happened last period. I'm grateful though, that this change obviously coincides with an increase in maturity about giving and receiving intimacy.
One of the greatest spiritual battles of my life has been intimacy and not having it or having too much. Never feeling like I had people in my life who really knew what I was about or trying to be, for most of my life. That obviously changed with the Navigators who freely offered me community. But that was only the beginning. I see now that I spent my college years figuring this out: "Empowerment does not translate to entitlement". Just because I'm given something good, it doesn't mean I deserve it, or can manipulate it to my ends and pleasure. Intimacy is a gift and is something given not taken. Just because we need community, it does not mean we deserve it, or are automatically given one. You cannot force people to be friends with you, just because they showed you they want to be your friend. I think it took me awhile to freaking grow up and realize this. Many of you were victims of this process.
Thank God for boundaries! Kind of like at work, just because these people are invited to a certain type of intimacy with me (the normal everyday type where they see me everyday for most of my waking life, hear me cough and see what I have for lunch) does not mean they have access to my heart. They don't get to ask me what I did last night, unless it's something I had already talked about. I think when our boundaries were disregarded and violated in the past, it's harder to see God's design, or we misinterpret that to be God's design - we either close up desperately building a thick wall of protection or open up for a free for all with no thought as to the dignity of our personhood.
The truth is I need community and am blessed with it. But this stage in life is just far more different than the previous one before it. And just like how I had to get used to the truth that I can't force people to be friends with me. I need to get used to the idea that I'm a woman now, making decisions for myself that have real consequences, and I need to seek out community more than it has come to me (i.e. Mary). And I need to be grateful for what comes and not use it just for myself (i.e. Elizabeth). I don't have to be on my own.
Whew, thanks for letting me process.
This morning, I listened to Coldplay's "A Message". As most of you probably have heard it (I realize I enjoy music in a very isolated fashion and am not quite sure what everyone likes), here's just a snippet.
"My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes on
You don't have to be alone
Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it's so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own"
This morning I was reading this study by Beth Moore (my mom gave me for my birthday) on Jesus - "90 days with the one and only". Today she talked about how gracious God was to Mary. Gabriel didn't only tell her that she was a) going to be pregnant b) that it would be the Son of God, but also mentioned (obviously in Xaris paraphrasing world) c) "b-t-dubbs, your cousin Elizabeth is also having a radical, unexpected, and stigmatizing pregnancy too!" God was paying attention to the personal ramifications Mary was to endure. And after that, Mary goes to visit Elizabeth (who is like 70 miles away or something!) and Elizabeth has nothing but encouragement for her and shares in Mary's wonder.
You don't have to be on your own. Such a wonderful truth.
Ben and I had a "double datesky" with PJ and Gillian last Saturday. It was weird how remarkably blessed I felt by this. We weren't even talking about real deep stuff or insights about life. I can barely remember what we even really talked about or what any specific person said, including myself (which is really freaking odd, because I remember everything usually). Though without words being said outright, the commonality of our situations was so real that it was just a blessing to be in community with them.
Laura has written about this and related topics before (and much more extensively, with books and quotes to back her up ^_^), in obviously different circumstances from me, but what I have to say is similar, just me making my own peace about it. There's something alienating about being committed to another person when one is this young. It's not just about the time and energy that needs to be reallocated to only one person instead of spread to more people, it's also the heart knowledge of another person that uses this as currency. Not that I think my sisters don't know what's going on with me (obviously if you read this blog and talk to me once and awhile, you largely do), but it's just changed. It's not like in high school when I could tell my friends what happened last period. I'm grateful though, that this change obviously coincides with an increase in maturity about giving and receiving intimacy.
One of the greatest spiritual battles of my life has been intimacy and not having it or having too much. Never feeling like I had people in my life who really knew what I was about or trying to be, for most of my life. That obviously changed with the Navigators who freely offered me community. But that was only the beginning. I see now that I spent my college years figuring this out: "Empowerment does not translate to entitlement". Just because I'm given something good, it doesn't mean I deserve it, or can manipulate it to my ends and pleasure. Intimacy is a gift and is something given not taken. Just because we need community, it does not mean we deserve it, or are automatically given one. You cannot force people to be friends with you, just because they showed you they want to be your friend. I think it took me awhile to freaking grow up and realize this. Many of you were victims of this process.
Thank God for boundaries! Kind of like at work, just because these people are invited to a certain type of intimacy with me (the normal everyday type where they see me everyday for most of my waking life, hear me cough and see what I have for lunch) does not mean they have access to my heart. They don't get to ask me what I did last night, unless it's something I had already talked about. I think when our boundaries were disregarded and violated in the past, it's harder to see God's design, or we misinterpret that to be God's design - we either close up desperately building a thick wall of protection or open up for a free for all with no thought as to the dignity of our personhood.
The truth is I need community and am blessed with it. But this stage in life is just far more different than the previous one before it. And just like how I had to get used to the truth that I can't force people to be friends with me. I need to get used to the idea that I'm a woman now, making decisions for myself that have real consequences, and I need to seek out community more than it has come to me (i.e. Mary). And I need to be grateful for what comes and not use it just for myself (i.e. Elizabeth). I don't have to be on my own.
Whew, thanks for letting me process.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I'm just confused
Lynette Lewis, who spoke at the Saturday lunch at Pure, is not the type of woman I thought I'd really, really want to get to know. It's something awful that I do, especially being a business woman. Knowing how successful her credentials were, and how beautiful and made up she was, and the fact that her book is called "Climbing the Ladder in Stilletos". I was majorly, majorly judging. I was thinking, oh this woman is just one of those successful, type A, modern types living it up in NY, who's really shallow (yeah, like I'm so not shallow).
But then she talked about dreams running on all cylinders, and I just started sobbing. I've been getting this feeling recently like God has put me in a position where my dreams are on hold. Well, really I go back and forth. I go from one extreme that God is just withholding any fulfillment of any of my dreams...then I think wait, wait a second, am I that loser who never does anything with her life? Is it God telling me to wait, or is there a need for me to make a decision and be wise? It's so frustrating because I get to the point where I'm even forgetting my dreams..wait, why do I like business, why did I even go to business school, why am I in New York City? Why do I write so many posts on finance? Why do I hope for this world? The answer should be God, but the specifics are made up of dreams that God has given me. God did not put me in this world just to pine for His love, He put me here to change the world and spread His love around.
Brandi Carlisle has this song "Again Today". This is some of it.
"Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
I'm broken down,
not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused"
I think the problem with me is that I don't necessarily think I deserve to be where I'm at, employed, living in an amazing apartment, having loving friends and family. I think it's all by accident, like I just took the path of least resistance, and I'm just gonna keep on trucking that way. Things are never that simple though.
But then she talked about dreams running on all cylinders, and I just started sobbing. I've been getting this feeling recently like God has put me in a position where my dreams are on hold. Well, really I go back and forth. I go from one extreme that God is just withholding any fulfillment of any of my dreams...then I think wait, wait a second, am I that loser who never does anything with her life? Is it God telling me to wait, or is there a need for me to make a decision and be wise? It's so frustrating because I get to the point where I'm even forgetting my dreams..wait, why do I like business, why did I even go to business school, why am I in New York City? Why do I write so many posts on finance? Why do I hope for this world? The answer should be God, but the specifics are made up of dreams that God has given me. God did not put me in this world just to pine for His love, He put me here to change the world and spread His love around.
Brandi Carlisle has this song "Again Today". This is some of it.
"Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
I'm broken down,
not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused"
I think the problem with me is that I don't necessarily think I deserve to be where I'm at, employed, living in an amazing apartment, having loving friends and family. I think it's all by accident, like I just took the path of least resistance, and I'm just gonna keep on trucking that way. Things are never that simple though.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
The Job Effect
Sometimes I think God just jazzes life up to keep it from getting too boring.
I have this huge rash on my face, well technically below my face on my chin/neck area, right now...and it looks like it's spreading. Luckily enough, I had already scheduled an appointment a month ago with a new doctor for this Thursday. This really sucks and it makes everything I do from sleeping to sitting in on a meeting slightly awkward. I've called the doctor for an earlier appointment, but apparently there isn't one for a first-time visit/physical. So I walked around my office building looking for a pharmacy, ran into my boss who directed me to one behind this building, and found out about all these shops here. There's a really nice gym, a pet grooming store, and a Duane Reade where there was a really helpful pharmacist who told me to take Benadryl tonight. There are really nice riverside condo buildings too, and it definitely has that Roosevelt Island feel to it. This is weird though. I don't recall ever having an allergy in my life! I can't wait to get home, take this Benadryl and conk out. I hope it's better tomorrow.
Otherwise, I realized, my life would be pretty boring. Get up at 6am, get to work at 8:30am, do nothing all day, leave around 5-6pm, do something at night, sleep, do it over again. What a middling life it seems. Frankly, it's kinda what I was going for. But my past has exposed me to have wanted what's actually good for me only 10% of the time. I find myself always fighting from feeling mediocre and/or the coping mechanisms I've developed to escape from that kind of feeling. I find these last few weeks, God has given physical manifestations of this struggle (from this rash, to pimples, to actual sickness) which I'm not very used to, weakening my body and my will and strengthening my character and wisdom at the same time. For instance, this rash has been a really discouraging force in terms of having a real quiet time, resting in Christ which I usually do in the morning and at night, but it has shown me how much more I need it, as my mind wanders more easily to things that are not very helpful to think about. And whoa!, this rash started like on Sunday. I don't think wise people necessarily don't have to re-learn things they've learned before or not suffer things to build character, they're just more aware and recognize God faster and re-learn sooner rather than later. Wisdom is knowing your true self. Wisdom is recognizing that you're a fool, so that you can receive grace and truth from God.
I have this huge rash on my face, well technically below my face on my chin/neck area, right now...and it looks like it's spreading. Luckily enough, I had already scheduled an appointment a month ago with a new doctor for this Thursday. This really sucks and it makes everything I do from sleeping to sitting in on a meeting slightly awkward. I've called the doctor for an earlier appointment, but apparently there isn't one for a first-time visit/physical. So I walked around my office building looking for a pharmacy, ran into my boss who directed me to one behind this building, and found out about all these shops here. There's a really nice gym, a pet grooming store, and a Duane Reade where there was a really helpful pharmacist who told me to take Benadryl tonight. There are really nice riverside condo buildings too, and it definitely has that Roosevelt Island feel to it. This is weird though. I don't recall ever having an allergy in my life! I can't wait to get home, take this Benadryl and conk out. I hope it's better tomorrow.
Otherwise, I realized, my life would be pretty boring. Get up at 6am, get to work at 8:30am, do nothing all day, leave around 5-6pm, do something at night, sleep, do it over again. What a middling life it seems. Frankly, it's kinda what I was going for. But my past has exposed me to have wanted what's actually good for me only 10% of the time. I find myself always fighting from feeling mediocre and/or the coping mechanisms I've developed to escape from that kind of feeling. I find these last few weeks, God has given physical manifestations of this struggle (from this rash, to pimples, to actual sickness) which I'm not very used to, weakening my body and my will and strengthening my character and wisdom at the same time. For instance, this rash has been a really discouraging force in terms of having a real quiet time, resting in Christ which I usually do in the morning and at night, but it has shown me how much more I need it, as my mind wanders more easily to things that are not very helpful to think about. And whoa!, this rash started like on Sunday. I don't think wise people necessarily don't have to re-learn things they've learned before or not suffer things to build character, they're just more aware and recognize God faster and re-learn sooner rather than later. Wisdom is knowing your true self. Wisdom is recognizing that you're a fool, so that you can receive grace and truth from God.
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