Lala and Idolizing my wedding

So I just signed up for Lala this rival to iTunes, except with a totally different business model and looks to be web-based. You can listen to the entire song once before buying. Also, you can add songs to your collection for 10 cents for unlimited play, and the first 50 are free! You can play it from any browser, which is perfect for me at work! (Until IT gets with it and blocks it). I'm not sure about pricing, but so far "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce is $1.19 and "Rockstar" by Nickelback is $0.79 ^_^. And you can upload all your music onto their site so I could listen to my music at work! Crazy! Of course, like all the newest things, it has a social aspect to it, but I'm assuming I won't have too many friends on there for now.

I've been thinking about shame lately and how that relates to our idols. This wedding is definitely a "near" idol that needs to be destroyed. But I think I never really thought about how insecure we can be with our idols. At least, I've never really applied this thought to my own idol of having the perfect wedding. When we worship anything other than God, we really associate our identity with it. Like if we worship friends or relationships, we morph ourselves to be exactly like our friends just to be cool, neglecting to nurture how God made us uniquely. This is like High School socializing 101! But something in all of us knows, it's not enough for our souls and never will be. So whenever an idol like this is attacked, our very self feels attacked.

Let me apply this to wedding stuff. Whenever someone questions and/or is fairly negative about a decision I made for the wedding, I feel attacked personally. As if that person is not just saying I'm doing everything wrong (which isn't necessarily what they're saying), but I myself am wrong. Beneath this feeling is the feeling of being shamed. Feeling that if my wedding isn't perfect that it's reflective of my shameful self. Why does it shame me? Because it has become my god, I have sacrificed everything for it, and loved it above all things, BUT it does not redeem, love, cherish, protect, strengthen me. It in fact does nothing but give me some human approval, which is rather worthless in the long run. It is not JESUS CHRIST who gave all of Himself for my sins and for the restoration of my beauty and true self, which is something infinitely more valuable and everlasting.

It's taken me awhile to kind of parse through the various feelings and triggers that has been going on the last few weeks. I'm sure there will be more to come. I've been using my control over wedding plans as my savior to try and fight the feelings of shame at the prospect of having a "sub-par" wedding. Really, I must not be like "chaff that the wind blows away" fighting for myself. I must be "like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." This realization took me a lot longer than it should've, but I love how it didn't take me as long as it used to ^_^. God has been so gracious to me.

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night." - Psalm 1:1-2

God's working on it, seriously!

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." - Galileo

I got this from one of those Committed to Freedom emails I get. I like how the quote highlights the fact that once you've found it, you've found it. I think I waste a lot of time running in circles instead of being in active discovery. The times when I'm most confused are usually the times I feel most far away from God. Nevermind that he's promised to be always there, literally over and over and over again (Genesis 5:18, Isaiah 49:15-16, Psalm 6:9, Psalm 91:15, etc.) but emotions kind of take over as if it were reality. I think amidst all this confusion, it's really easy to forget what you're looking for. What's the point of your sorrow? It shouldn't be wasted in despair and fear, but be used to create the fruit of the Spirit within us. This fruit can only be granted by God. Oftentimes though, I don't even ask for the fruit, I ask for an explanation, thinking this will relieve the confusion. But God doesn't want me to rely on myself, He wants me to be utterly dependent on Him, because that is my true identity. There is no other complete and wise Xaris but the one who abides in Jesus Christ.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." - James 1:2-8

Emo-ish Music

For several reasons, I guess certain areas of growth (and non-growth..womp,womp) have been coming to mind more frequently. The last few months I've been thinking about anxiety as a sin. Connected to that, despairing and fear as sin. Sin here being defined as walking away from God, since at any given moment, you are either walking towards or away from Him. Everyone floats somewhere, as Paige Brown said. All these thoughts and feelings of anxiety and despiar are expressed from a loss of belief in God's sovereignty and goodness. Of course it's a given that everyone feels these things, and living in denial of fear is even worse than actually acknowledging it, but I always try to go by the quote at the top of this blog and try to describe and define instead of just praise and dispraise. Anyway, moving on.

I've been anxious all my life and quite prone to despair. It lead to complex behavioral ways of coping, addiction being a main ingredient. But as I continually smack into the reality of God, the truth of His love and salvation has molded me into something a bit more like what I should be.

Music has played a major role in my understanding of this process. Being the deep feeler that I am, I like to listen to emotionally charged music.

Like Nicole Nordeman - "Anyway" :

"Every layer of mine hides a lovely design, it might take a little patience, it might take a little time, but you called me BEAUTIFUL, when you saw my shame. And you placed me on the wall, anyway."

I thought a lot about surrender my Freshman year, since it was clearly what I had to do. And I was finding the joy and healing in the pain of being utterly gross, but not held responsible for it.

Mute Math "Control":

"There's no better loss than to lose myself in you."
"Take control of the atmosphere, there is no reason I should breathe, unless you're in the air."

Then I started to realize that there's more to it than what it means for me. The beauty of justification and sanctification is it's more than just making me better, it's making me better for human flourishing for the Glory of God. But what does a loss of control really mean then if it's not just skydiving into an oblivion, but becoming Christ-like and engaging in the world? You can lose control in a lot of ways, and all equally destructive, but there's only one way that leads to life.

Everyone knows the ubiquitous Spiderman 2 theme song from Dashboard Confessional - "Vindicated"

"Slip away against the current."



Much like the Spiderman movie, true salvation is more than self-redemption but world redemption. Everything is not just going to be right with you, but also with this world that God has created; and we as the Church have something to do with that Kingdom work.



It's amazing how I listened to these songs so much a few years ago, to comfort my despairing heart. But it's getting easier to see the truth that I shouldn't even be worried at all. That there are so many reasons in Christ to be hopeful always.

Here's a quote from Brothers Karamazov. The "elder" is speaking to this woman filled with guilt and fear: "Don't be afraid of anything, ever. And do not grieve. As long as your repentance does not weaken, God will forgive everything. There is not - there cannot be - a sin on earth that God will not forgive the truly repentant. Why, a man cannot a sin so great as to exhaust the infinite love of God. How could there be a sin that would surpass the love of God? Think only of repentance, all the time, and drive away all fear. Have faith that God loves you, sinful as you are and, indeed, because of your sin. It was said long ago that there is more joy in heaven over one repentant sinner than over ten righteous men. Go now, and fear nothing. Do not be offended if people treat you badly. Do not hold it against them. And forgive your departed husband all the harm he did you. Become truly reconciled with him. For if you repent, you love, and if you love, you are with God. Love redeems and saves everything...Love is such an infinite treasure it can buy the whole world and can redeem not only your sins, but the sins of all people. So go and fear no more." FEAR NO MORE!

I've mentioned how much I love Brett Dennen - "Darlin' Do Not Fear"

"The confidence is full as your faith etched in stone
and neither could comfort you from the wild unknown
So bury your burning hatred like a hatchet in the snow
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know.
If you have a broken heart or a battered soul
Find something to hold on to or to let go
to help you through the hard nights like a flask filled with hope
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
'cause it won't last - your worries will pass" --> Damn, this whole song is quotable.

"I fear no evil, for you are with me. Strong to deliver, mighty to save." - Got this from a song too, but it's in the Psalms right?

Yet again, I think reading this post can make peopel think it's a hodge-podge. But really it's all about finding happiness, hope, love, and peace in the abounding grace of God. At the Redeemer interview I was reminded over and over about my name and what it means. And how it's what I should be giving to other people, Xaris (grace, that which gives joy), me becoming my true self in Jesus.

It would be overwhelming, if not for xaris being given to me. I've always wanted to do a post like this with a sprinkling of songs that have changed my life, and have grown me and shown me the truth in the Gospel. And it's always good to not hide from where you've been and to see the power and glory of God already shown in you.

"You've come far and though you're far from the end, you don't mind where you are 'cause you know where you've been." - Carbon Leaf - "Let Your Troubles Roll By"

Being an Immigrant

In regular NPR fashion, WNYC has been doing this Becoming an American series every morning ramping up to Thanksgiving. Obviously, it prompts me to think of the choices I've made to become a citizen in more ways than on paper. This one Indian girl with a very Indian name talked about how even now as an adult she still feels only half-American, despite spending most of her life here. Compounding this with Megan's post on creating a new kind of citizenship, and going to Grace's Korean home for Thanksgiving, serving with a large contingent of Asians at the Bowery Mission on Monday, I've thought about my pinoy-ness at odd moments in recent days.

It's weird to become self-aware of the fact that I am a Pilipina, in my current way of life, it's a bit of a reach. But what's cool about being in the working world, is I really see a lot of normal wage-earning Pilipinos running around, speaking my language, cracking jokes they think no one will hear. It reminds me so much of my parents, and how they're exactly like these folks, most especially since I'm involved in work that my dad precisely used to do. I look at the IT project leader sometimes with his thick accent (not pinoy btw) and I think of my father. This one Finance pinoy manager has a distinctly nasal quality to his English, and I caught up with him on the train once. Turns out, he lives on Long Island, his daughter is a Senior at NYU and will be going to law school. We also talked about Stern summer interns he had hired, one of which was really bratty. We talked about where I was from in the Philippines and the major development that's happened around my childhood home and subdivision, we talked about development around my old Catholic school, what it was like the last time we were there, the new mall, the infamous LRT.

Something the NPR series pointed out for one guy was the fact that most people will assume you're American. That is, if you are assimilated enough. It was weird when I became a citizen and was telling people about it, most people were surprised. Most people don't know how hard and costly it is to become one either. But because I really do have minimal, what I affectionately call, "immigrant moments" where diction or lack of knowledge betray, I seem like a perfectly normal young American. And indeed, I am. Thus, another point of tension part of the wider one of justification and sanctification.

It was hard growing up in Arizona. I had to go through a lot of misunderstandings about my identity. There was this one kid, Ryan (from Alaska..go figure), who seriously, seriously thought I was making up my ethnicity, even after I showed him a 25 centavo coin (probably didn't help that it was gold and has a butterfly on it, making it look token-ish)...until he met my mom (he lived around the block from me) then he was very, very nice to me. His father was an A/C repairer and fixed our central air. A lot of people thought I was Native American, or Mexican, or Hawaiian...rarely would they figure it right the first time. Then there's my blessed name, and people would think I was Greek. My parents seemed like anti-social people and do not, to this day, make friends with my friends' parents. My father is going to go into high stress, if he ever has to meet Ben's parents. It sucks to think I caught a lot of my shy tendencies from this. I'm too different, I'm too complicated, we have so little in common, better not try to bridge the gap. I have really cramped small talk skills. I didn't have a lot of examples of people standing around talking about nothing while their children play. I can't help but make small talk something more serious, otherwise I want to kill myself out of the madness.

Really though, my parents are great people. My father is a hilarious, jolly human being with a amazing servant's heart. My mother is a super empathetic, encouraging person. They both talk endlessly about politics, art, travel, business, and all implications of life. They're intelligent people. But place them in Arizona and I don't think my father specifically has found much community, even after 13 years. He really only talks to the dog, my mother, and sometimes his children. He writes these amazing emails about food, filled with rich history. He really is a great poet, his Tagalog is the deepest I'd ever dare read (he won many speech writing awards in school).

I know this has turned into a I love my parents fest, but really I'm just trying to make a case that being an immigrant makes things complicated, even for fluent English speakers. Arizona was not only so different from the Philippines, but it was a different America from the movies we saw. There are no brownstones, green lawns (except if you specifically look for it), brick houses with long driveways just white stucco, pink buildings, and red mountain landscapes. Nothing was familiar. I found myself constantly grasping for something that I could feel was mine and intimately connected to my identity. Well, duh, of course I know this happens to everyone, as we don't belong in this broken world. I'm just trying to express it in my terms as an immigrant.

Really, this is a process of not forgetting. I need to remember what it was like when I felt so left out of the world, that I thought I and/or God made a mistake. I spent a lot of time waiting for life to be over. I need to remember that Jesus walked the earth feeling exactly what I felt yet even more so, and died for the world anyway and was ultimately on the cross left out of the only community we really want to be in, the Father's. He not only welcomes, He knows. So that whenever I feel distant from things that I once felt intimate with (whether people, hobbies, or culture), whenever I feel like I'm being fake and it's obstructing my connection with people, I know that these are mere shadows of the deepest intimacy I've ever had and that is with my God. It is impossible for me to fake who I am with Him. It's ok for me to be confused about who I am too, since I don't determine that, He does. I always belong anyway, because I belong to Him.

Life is Repentance (Rejoicing)

I was thinking recently about how grateful I am for my job(!). Yes, it caught me by surprise as well. If I really sit down and think about it, I am grateful for how clear it is to me that I need to be here (though God chooses to hide the exact reasons). I've learned a lot about depending on Christ. I've learned a lot about myself.

Actually, I really remember this whole, newly profound level of dependence on Christ idea hitting me around August/September 2007. I remember talking to Megan S on the phone during a long, routine walk home (when we still lived in the 23rd St apartment). I had my concentration set on this whole transition from college to not-in-school. I was asking her about how she managed to create community for herself in Christ Church while maintaining Navs in her life, because I was attending and trying to do the same at Astoria Community Church. We were talking about the lack of community in general, and how the loss of Navs the way we knew it is a way to figure out how powerful communion with the Holy Spirit can be...something to that effect. Really though, I felt like shit about the whole idea and how it was going to be and how hard it was to get used to. How to get used to a life change.

And since that time (about a year ago), boy have there been some dramatic changes in my life. From the very obvious to the very subtle. And it's weird to realize that throughout it all, all I was trying to figure out was this basic idea of repentance. Of course, like most of you, I thought, heck ya I know what that is, I'm a Christian. I can point to things and say, see I have repented, look at how much my life has changed! Look at how much God has empowered me to do the things I've done. See, God is definitely in communion with me and definitely in my life.

Andrea had handed me this Redeemer study titled "How the Gospel Changes You" around end of July. It was all about idols and repentance, and I thought, alright, alright, let me just read through this. It ended up being a major theme in my thoughts, prayers, and the way I related to people.

The thing is, alright, I understand the need to bow before God, understand who He really is and understand who I'm really not. Think of the magnitude of my full out rebellion against the God of the universe. No excuses, that was a choice I full out made. And then applying the idea that the triune God loved me enough to die for me, to chase after me, to tear His life apart and put it back together with me in it. This should in turn make us rejoice. Sing Amazing Grace, and shout hallelujah. (This part however rarely happens to me) But the thing I missed almost completely, that I don't think I ever thought about until I read the Redeemer study, was the need to PRAISE God. How it is physically, mentally, emotionally, soulfully impossible to rejoice, without giving praise to the One who makes it possible. We were meant to praise God, therefore if we do not do it, we cannot claim the gift we are meant to receive. It's as if I walked around saying, yes I'm Toti's (my father's) daughter, but never even gave him a call, never talked to him for years. I may always be Toti's daughter, that never changes, but there's that difference between a legal relationship and a personal relationship. I may always be his daughter, but do I love him? It's the same with the Father.

So in applying all that, I try to praise God everyday, and hopefully someday I can praise God all the time. Not that I'm great at it mind you, but I try. Even if it's a dry "God you are awesome." The exercise is good for my soul. "However important [growing my character] may be, this process of repentance trains us in habits of the soul that are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God." (from a 1 John Redeemer study). As Tim Keller says about relationships "Love is an action first, a feeling second." How could we expect any more from ourselves in our relationship with God? If loving God and being in a relationship with Him means forcing myself to sing a hymn, say a prayer, or read out stale sounding words, I'm going to freaking do it because it was what I was made to do. Like with most things, the focus isn't on receiving or even giving with excellence (that's covered by God in His covenant with us), really the focus is who you're giving to. That's what eros is, and that's the metaphor God likes to use with Christ as the groom and the Church as the bride.

Whew, that was a lot. But really it's been churning in my head for such a long time, it's the culmination of a lot of material read, sermons heard, conversations had, and feelings felt.

Btw, I think swearing off Google Reader is actually helping in a way I didn't fully expect. My life is really a lot less negative on a regular basis. Of course the negativity isn't Google Reader's fault per se, I just don't know how to subscribe to the less biased things without hearing about news no one else pays attention to. It's the blogging culture of the internet I suppose. Kind of how people rely on most of their news from late night TV which makes fun of everything, only on a grander scale. Also, I'd read Google Reader for most of my day which is more than the Bible, more than any other reading material. I think I just have to limit it to like an hour a day or something.

REJOICE!

"Pa, paaaaaaa, this is the sound of settling"

I realized that I wish work would be more like The Office. There, nobody seems to be doing any real work (like me) but they're having fun. That's because work isn't part of their identity, more like just something they do. Like brushing your teeth. In a sense, they are the opposite of being fulfilled by the joy and peace of God, but they look a lot closer to it than I am. Finding my true identity is definitely key.

I really like well worded, profound passages. I've been reading Dandelion Wine by: Ray Bradbury. It was in the Sci-fi section of the Library, but I knew that it actually didn't belong there, despite the author's usual genre. It's weirding reading about a 12-year-old boy in the summer of 1928 and his revelations and adventures in a generic small town in Midwestern America, while riding in train after train trying to be an urban professional grown up in a cosmopolitan metropolis. My summer is much different than his. So maybe in a sense it does belong in the sci-fi section...at least for girls trying to be women.

Ray Bradbury has such an exuberant style. It can be pretty ridiculous, but it's kinda like any beautiful over-the-top movie. You have to let your guard down and let the movie move you. Here's something I read today: "He felt the tremble.... Why? But she was bigger, stronger, more intelligent than himself, wasn't she? Did she, too, feel that intangible menace, that groping out of darkness, that crouching malignancy down below? Was there, then, no strength in growing up? No solace in being an adult? No sanctuary in life? No fleshly citadel strong enough to withstand the scrabbling assault of midnights? Doubts flushed him. Ice cream lived again in his throat, stomach, spine, and limbs; he was instantly cold as a wind out of December gone."

This was referring to Tom (10-year-old brother) looking into the utter darkness of a ravine with his mother holding his hand, for the first time truly feeling the fear that drives us all. Of course, I've been reading 1 John lately. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The man who fears is not made perfect in love." - 1 John 4:18

I completely know the answer to the question marks, but I still feel them. "Was there, then, no strength in growing up? No solace in being an adult?" I was also reading Dynamics last night. And it was a part where he was talking about the Holy Spirit and the lack thereof in the church. (Reading this books reminds me of why professors asked us to write about every frickin' thing. It's to learn how to relate information and shape it as our own. But now that I have to do it, it's so hard to really do it right.) He made an interesting point that the Holy Spirit is like being face to face with God, all the time. ALL THE TIME, face to face, YOU and GOD. After that I read some Puritan prayers about the Holy Spirit. Obviously, I've been having good times with the thought.

This whole post is the makings of a 10 page paper. But without all the connecting paragraphs, thoughts, and quotes, it may seem like they really have nothing to do with each other...that's slightly frustrating. But I'll try to refrain from (and prevent any possible joy to my Writing the Essay professor) the thought that I wish I could write this paper...that's just ridiculous, Xaris, really!