B-t-duhbs (dabbling with the politics)

Frontline's special on both John McCain and Barack Obama is pretty awesome. I read and hear a lot of leaning-left media (you know, to counter the WSJ and my own conservative tendencies), and it really does seem unfair to me how they characterize McCain. He may be totally incompetent with how he controls his party and his campaign and real terrible at public speaking, but he essentially is who he says he is. He is definitely not George Bush nor a real party faithful. Also, the dirty tactics by Republicans on mischaracterizing Obama and totally messing with the message of Obama's policies, not to mention ignoring the racism that goes on is totally disgusting. I think I'm with Colin Powell on this one. Both men are pretty great and able to lead. That's what makes this election so great, we finally have two completely different men, who are both, at the heart of it, great men. I'm so glad that this is the first presidential election I get to vote in!! I just like how positive Frontline is about each man and his strengths. I love PBS.

The Importance of Music

Been listening to a lot of Coldplay recently (well my iPod keeps "shuffling" to it).

From "White Shadows"

"Maybe you get what you wanted
Maybe you stumbled upon it
Everything you ever wanted
In a permanent state

Maybe you'll know when you see it
Maybe if you say it, you'll mean it
And when you find it, you keep it
In a permanent state
A permanent state"

Just feeling and digging that a lot right now. Music can be so much more effective at explaining and feeling than spoken words.

I've been feeling rather musical this week. I'm starting to really miss my voice lessons I think. In the cramped practice rooms of Steinhardt, there was a freedom to perform without feeling like an idiot, because only Megan R, who has heard every part of my voice, was respectfully judging. (Btw, I am a major fan of this woman, she is one of the best people I know) And when Edward started playing for me, it was also great, because I knew his judgments were also based on reality. I'm not a fantastic singer, but I like to use what I've been given once and awhile. I don't sing for others though, I sing for myself and the Lord.

Most people know that when I was growing up, I sort of idolized Lea Salonga. Being the kind of dreamer I am, I would secretly want to be her, but never put anything towards such aspirations. She was just so talented, doing concerts and musicals throughout the world meanwhile totally keeping her down-to-earth attitude and sweet heart. My parents have a VHS of this concert she did in the Philippines, even after all her success and everything, she was still the same cute girl, speaking in polite Tagalog, singing Pilipino songs as well as American songs. I think she's just a high class kind of person.

Grace Covers Shame

Of course the name of this blog is not an uncommon part of Christianese, but I wanted to mention the song that inspired me to use it. Watermark is this band made up of a cute married couple, with really deep lyrics and playful music. I wish I could sing their songs in worship. Like many other artists, my brother introduced me to them (he became an American citizen on Tuesday btw). The song is from The Purest Place album.

"You Come As You Are"

I lay me down at Your feet my Jesus
Find me here with a heart that's pure
I am raised up in the love You pour on me
The moment I believe...

I lay me down at Your feet my Jesus
Find me here with a life like Yours
I am raised up in pow'r that sets me free
The moment I believe The moment I believe

Chorus:
(that) You come as You are And I come as I am
And grace covers shame
You come in Your pow'r And I bow down
And grace covers shame
You come like a flood and I'm lost in this "Hallelujah!"
You come as You are and I come as I am
And grace covers all of me... All of me...

I lay me down at Your feet my Master
Find me here with the grace to know
That I am raised up in the perfect love of God
The moment I believe The moment I believe

Chorus

Bridge:
I am laid broken Lord I am open
Breathe in me
And this by design Is Your life divine Living in me...
You come as You are...
I come as I am
You come in Your power And I bow down

Chorus


There are times when I just feel like shouting Hallelujah, Rejoice, or Praise the Lord, but often than not I don't. It seems to happen in the times when I feel desperate, or someone who is speaking to me sounds desperate, and I just wanna yell it to their face, as if it would make it more true in our hearts. Well, it probably wouldn't hurt, but Scripture is better.

"God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" -Numbers 23:19

Alright...

Laura Z tagged me.

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and / or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.


1. When I was smaller in the Philippines, we didn't have a car and we only ever took public transportation or taxis. So whenever I had thoughts of running away from home, I would think of hailing a taxi and just telling it to make random right turns, until we eventually reached the provinces...I didn't think through how I would've paid for it though.

2. I like peanut butter, but I hate peanut butter with chocolate (i.e. ice cream, Reese's, granola bars, etc). Blech!

3. There is never a morning that I don't want to sing (even if it was a sad song)...but I most certainly never do because I don't want to bother people with my morning voice.

4. I wish I didn't have to wear clothes.

5. I have dyed my hair blond and reddish brown (and it was disgusting), but all I ever really wanted was to have really dark blue-violet highlights that would only be really visible in the sun...too late now.

6. I want to live in Japan someday, 6 months in an urban area, and 6 months in a more rural area.

7. I love long walks in the rain (as long as I have appropriate coverage and footwear and I have nowhere to go).

Tagging: Alison W, Alex S, Elizabeth S, Jas, Erica, Stephanie D, Josh P

I know more people on Xanga, but I don't have access to it at work...most of these people don't really post anyway so whatever. Just trying to follow the rules.

I'm just confused

Lynette Lewis, who spoke at the Saturday lunch at Pure, is not the type of woman I thought I'd really, really want to get to know. It's something awful that I do, especially being a business woman. Knowing how successful her credentials were, and how beautiful and made up she was, and the fact that her book is called "Climbing the Ladder in Stilletos". I was majorly, majorly judging. I was thinking, oh this woman is just one of those successful, type A, modern types living it up in NY, who's really shallow (yeah, like I'm so not shallow).

But then she talked about dreams running on all cylinders, and I just started sobbing. I've been getting this feeling recently like God has put me in a position where my dreams are on hold. Well, really I go back and forth. I go from one extreme that God is just withholding any fulfillment of any of my dreams...then I think wait, wait a second, am I that loser who never does anything with her life? Is it God telling me to wait, or is there a need for me to make a decision and be wise? It's so frustrating because I get to the point where I'm even forgetting my dreams..wait, why do I like business, why did I even go to business school, why am I in New York City? Why do I write so many posts on finance? Why do I hope for this world? The answer should be God, but the specifics are made up of dreams that God has given me. God did not put me in this world just to pine for His love, He put me here to change the world and spread His love around.

Brandi Carlisle has this song "Again Today". This is some of it.

"Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

I'm broken down,
not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused"

I think the problem with me is that I don't necessarily think I deserve to be where I'm at, employed, living in an amazing apartment, having loving friends and family. I think it's all by accident, like I just took the path of least resistance, and I'm just gonna keep on trucking that way. Things are never that simple though.

Pure

I realized I didn't really think about the conference much before I had gone. It was just this block of time that I had set apart, and I was content in not knowing of what I would want to happen in that time. It's freeing to be able to approach events like this, no details, no plans, especially when the event delivers.

So I guess that's really what I learned and enjoyed at Pure - freedom. I was free to laugh, cry, talk, sing, dance, jump, knit, and sometimes shout with unusual abandon. I was free to sound foolish, and free to offer wisdom. Free to be alone, free to be surrounded (like literally) by my sisters. Free to be young, free to be old. Free to love, and free to voice hate so as to repent.

Paige Brown had an illustration of a water bottle knocking over and everything spilling on the floor. Why's the water on the floor? Because there was water in the bottle. There are situations in life that cause the bottle to knock over, but whatever ends up on the floor is because it was in the bottle to begin with. Obviously this is a broadly used idea, but the visual of the water all over the floor is compelling to me. So I guess, I felt free and safe enough at Pure to knock the bottle over myself to see, show and discuss what comes out. Seeing that for others as well, some women who I would never have thought I would even totally relate to, was so encouraging.

Maybe this sounds really intense, like counseling, but it wasn't counseling. It was just fellowship. No one was there to fix one another, we were there for the Lord. And it wasn't intense in that stressful way when you're feeling really broken, it was peaceful, calm, rest in the Lord. It helped that all the ladies weren't freaking out and buckling down under the weight of their own sin, they were offering it to God and asking why? Struggling with God instead of themselves.

At so many points, I just felt soooooo loved by God, that I couldn't believe how stupid I was and am and probably will be in not trusting His wisdom, strength, and worthiness. It's been awhile since I've felt so completely vindicated and redeemed. (Another Paige Brown-ism) Looked at the cross and said Am I that bad? YES! Am I that loved? YES!

My life in school had so many seasonal weekends away from the city between all the leadership retreats and Nav retreats. And I think I had forgotten how one weekend can do the work of several months in the Spirit. How Penn State 2004 had set the course for a changed life for me and that was only 3 days, no extended weekend needed. Out of any other retreat I've gone to, I remember the most details from this one, even now. I can't even remember what I did for free time last year in Vermont, but I remember the songs we sang and where I sat for worship at Penn State. I remember I slept in this heavenly, soft bed (probably the best bed I've ever slept in) next to Stephanie D. I remember Dan Brown throwing a pile of leaves on my car (with the windows open) and subsequently losing his wallet, and finding it in the dark later. From then on, my car has always had fall leaves somewhere in it at whatever time of year. I remember Nicole T talking about wanting to be the prince on the white horse and marveling at the thought that some women didn't want men to open the door for them (wtf?). I remember reading Revelations (for Con West) while people were almost dying in caves somewhere. I remember Mike Chen and Tyler being amazed at my mad skillz at lying to them. I remember that the alum and random older people outnumbered the freshmen.

Thursday

I got nothing..

Well, I probably got something, but there's really no time to get on with it, cause I gots a meeting to go to (womp, womp). Sometimes you just don't feel like writing an opinion down. It's also harder with blogging, because I never know if someone out there is actually going to respond to what I'm saying. It's like this black hole that I can shout into, but nothing comes out. That can be really rewarding at times, but right now I don't feel like I need that.

However, I did decide to write something everyday I'm in the office. So here I am doing it.

POOP! (That's for Josh)

Health

OMG, really?? Oh man, if I were rich I think I'd waste a lot of money on things just because they're so cute. It reminds me of that site I found once with pictures of the stuff toy pandas...doing things...does anyone remember me showing you that?

Anyway, going to see the dermatologist today, and I'm excited to be able to leave work a little early. The bite area is kind of gross, and it hurts, but that's what's great about having a job where I sit all day.

So I got this deal in the mail for Ballys and it says I can invite friends to it for $19/month. So if you want the extremely cheap deal (for nyc anyway) let me know, and I'll hook you up. It's not a very convenient gym for me, but it could work. Also, my health insurance reimburses me so it's technically free (if I go to they gym 50 times in a 6 month period...it's unlikely, but I can dream). At $99 for a year, I can't really complain. My health insurance is awesome btw. I pay no premiums nor for any prescription costs, no deductible, just a copay. Kinda makes me want to go to the doctor more often.

That's it. I'm awesomely bored today.

Bites and Mint

So God is really trying to tell me something. I think I got bit by a spider on Sunday night. The bite was largely fine yesterday (thank God!), but it may be because I was drinking insane amounts of water, and took some aspirin (fending off the normal Monday headache). Today, it has decided to swell a bit more, throb in pain and puss out. At least, this time this is on my ankle, a completely hidden part of my body, instead of my face. Don't worry, I already called my good for nothing Dermatologist and setup an appointment. I hadn't been to a dermatologist IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, and this past 3 months I would have seen her 3 times. And every time I'm there for like 5 minutes, as she looks at me quickly, tells me it's going away, perscribes me some expensive cream and tells me not to eat spicy food or get flustered, then takes my $25 copay. Seriously, in 5 minutes.

On to the main purpose of this post.

As most of you know, I have this awesome (as in efficient, not necessarily wise ^_^) budget that I created on Excel. Of course though, it has some limitations. It's very time intensive when looking up and entering transactions and I've never been able to figure out how to effectively integrate my student loans on there. So I finally gave in and opened up a Mint account, something I had been hearing about for awhile. It's one of many free budget tools online. It hooks up into all your accounts (checking, savings, brokerage, 401K, IRA's, loans, credit cards, name the financial institution and it's on there) and compiles them all. I think the coolest part about it is the pie charts as shown below.


This was already something I was trying to do in my dinky Excel, but the chart is amazing. Say you have like a high-level pie chart with like Home, Food and Dining, etc. categories, you can click on a category (like Food and Dining) and it shows you what percentages of it were Restaurants, Fast Food, Groceries, then click on Restaurants, it shows you all the restaurants you've been to and how much you spent on it (my example is up there, if you can read it). It's insane! I never knew that I pretty much don't visit sit down restaurants more than once or twice in a month! I'm quite a restaurant fiend! To the right of the chart marks the frequency you did business at a particular place.

What's below the pie chart is also interesting because you can compare how much you spend to how much other people who use Mint spend in any city. And it even does it per business. So basically I can compare how much people spend in NY at French Roast on average to how much I spend in a month! There's really a lot more to it and here is a fuller review. I'm just highlighting what I think are the coolest features I've played with so far.

It's really easy to use, and once it's setup, it's setup automatically as in it refreshes the accounts by itself. I think the most tedious part in setting up is just looking through the transactions and putting them in the right categories. But a lot of them are really automatically there (like it recognizes Ann Taylor as Clothing). I'll probably keep using my Excel budget, just because it gives me a remarkable amount of control and I can see the impact of a transaction whenever I want to, not like wait around until it hits my account. But getting to play with the charts in this thing, getting reminders about when a credit card bill is due, and getting to check only this site to see if something has gone through (as in I don't have to go to all the different websites of all my different banks and credit cards) are good additions to the way I manage and analyze my money.

So yeah, this is another post on money...but I've got the time on my hands and the attention span to match. I don't know if any of you would actually go and do this, but I think it's super cool. Any interest out there? Comments?

Dreams of my Father

First of all, from the man himself (I'm so proud that my boyfriend sent me this).

I went to a Redeemer seminar yesterday to hear Dr. Peter Heslam talk about bringing the world closer to the Kingdom of God through business. Right up my alley no? Because I'm a dork and I have all this time on my hands below are my crude Paint renditions of the diagrams he showed us.
The one on the right is referring to the problem of Poverty, and how it can be pushed out through business with the 4 different types of capital: Institutional, Relational, Moral, and Spiritual. The left describes how Spiritual Capital is foundational to all the others i.e. Spiritual leads to Moral leads to Relational leads to Institutional and Institutional informs Relational informs Moral informs Spiritual. Institutional is all about having good governments, low corruption, free markets and whatnot. It seems counter-intuitive, but studies show that the lower the corruption is, the freer the markets are for a country. Relational is having the intelligence to know how to do business with people aka not screwing people over. It's hard to trade with another country if you're at war. Therefore, peace = good for business. Moral capital is what it sounds like, just being honest since the main currency to keep the economy running is trust (which is what is disintegrating right now). Spiritual capital is really what we Christians know as religion and the Christian life in general, but Dr. Heslam is trying to translate Gospel language to a secular world and chooses to say "Spiritual" for people who are scared of religion in hopes that later on they'll be convicted about the sustainability of their spirituality without religion.

He talked about A LOT of interesting points in like 30 minutes. But mainly he talked about the value of bringing us closer to the Kingdom of God through business without necessarily having conversions. That unbeknownst to the Chinese he talks to, who deem Spirituality as Confuscianism, they are living out the will of God by adopting these foundational ideas, and he can be a witness to Jesus in the meantime. It was really cool having to use all the things I'd learned from my development and Colonialism classes at school to understand the bigger picture of what he was saying (I smell another paper). It spoke so deeply to my soul and the dreams I have about the power of business for the glory of God that after talking to Mike Chen (who we all know is such a good listener and was at the seminar) about some of my ideas, I literally wanted to cry (and did so when I admitted it out loud). I am such a friggin' feeler. It's so rare to be able to think and expound upon with others who understand and are working with me to bring about the specific vision God has personally shown me in so many times of insipiration while at school. To similarly think that at the root of Capitalism is evil, but it can be redeemed by the grace of God, that it could work for the good of those who love Him and surrender to Him and then furthermore the world.

I was invited to do a recruitment event for tonight at NYU. I immediately was excited, some may say inexplicably so knowing my experience with work so far. I couldn't quite understand it either. But it's a lot like welcoming freshmen into Navs. It's being transparent and honest and welcoming people into a company (which apparently comes from the latin of "breaking bread together"). And from that vantage point, I'm able to influence my own company as they see that I'm willing to invest in it. It's part of Redeemer's whole thing about being for the city, but not of it.

My co-worker went with me to the 6pm service yesterday too and she responded very well! It was such an answer to prayer. She's a Christian, but I can tell she has idols in her life that she has not really admitted to (don't we all ^_^). I look forward to what God has in store for her and the deepening of her faith.

Obviously, it has been a good birthday season so far (and I've only written the half of it!). God is good and faithful. That would be true anyway even if I had a bad birthday, but it's great to say when it feels so easy. Blessed be His name.

Happy 31st Anniversary Nakars!!

It's my parents' 31st anniversary today. Above is a cute picture of them at the wedding reception. You can't tell, but my brother was in this picture (my mother's belly is hidden, haha). It may not be too obvious, but my parents are the one's in white standing up. It's weird to think that some of those little boys are my grown uncles now. My papa was 21, my mama was 20.

I texted my mama this morning, and she told me she had forgotten. Which is pretty common for them.

It's weird to think that the Ziesel wedding pictures are going to look old like this 31 years from now. It's hard to imagine a block of time that long. So much happens in 31 years.

Awesome sidenote: someone told me today that people have been saying good things about me at work and the way I present myself etc....? Alright!

Unstuck in Time

First of all, I got this today from a fellow worker. Thought I'd share.

Secondly, I had another one of those I-could-write-a-writing-the-essay-paper-about-this trains of thought recently. I warn you that this is going to sound incomplete, only because I'm not really connecting my thoughts, and really I don't have a point. Such is the freedom of blogs and not being in school ^_^.

Here's another quote from Sallie Culbreth :
People get discouraged because of the enormity of what lies ahead. Recovery is a huge undertaking that you may not even take the first step toward because it seems pointless. That's one of those lies that you must aggressively talk back to. No - you won't get there today or tomorrow, but you WILL get there eventually if you keep focused on those small victories, those courageous steps, and those tiny celebrations of joy that you find along the way.

I would argue Sallie is a little too people centric sometimes (she's all about the warrior metaphor with all its fighting and empowerment), but the newsletter that this came from was really encouraging. She's obviously talking about abuse recovery here, but really we're all recovering from the fall. We are all coping with a broken world.

I saw Donnie Darko recently. At the same time I've been reading Slaughterhouse Five. And it's weird that both have those themes of being unstuck in time. In the book, Billy Pilgrim learns how to view life not as sequential moments in time but instead just an amalgation of all those moments. So, if someone is dead at one moment, you don't see them as just dead, because they were a perfectly alive person for so many other moments in their life. However, Donnie still keeps the sequential element of moments intact, though the manipulation of those moments to the betterment of life is also at play. Donnie believes that God controls our paths in time, but in the end he chooses to do something that ultimately makes him take the place of God, by skipping out on Him somehow. Overall though, the movie dealt with the fear of being alone driving the need to believe in God.

This all made me think of what I had heard somewhere before (forget where), that God (the Father I suppose) doesn't necessarily view time as sequential. He is the same God of all times and all places, so he probably views time more like the way Billy was learning to view time. To us one moment of pain can seem endless, but God sees the entirety of our lives and His plan for us. He has the ultimate perfect perspective of time. But He can completely relate to our point of view because He became a man who experienced a sequential life, yet was still God and had supernatural knowledge of other moments in His life and everyone else's.

The way Billy sees time though, is missing God, so life ends up meaning nothing. Nothing but the momentary joys and beauty. It has no purpose.

Well, I haven't finished Slaughterhouse Five so I couldn't fully incorporate the book, but the themes are probably relevant. It's times like these that I wish I could write better. I kind of get to understand the whole idea of creating something new with old ideas. Alas, I hit my peak in the 5th grade (last time I was really praised for my writing and encouraged to develop it). I forget sometimes that I used to want to be an Editor, as recently as sophomore year in high school. Not that I regret my choice, but it's nice to realize that my brain can still work well within other subjects aside from business.

Work, really?

The water main broke in my building yesterday, so I got to go home super early. Well, I didn't go home right then, I went and treated myself to a planned mani/pedi/threading for my birthday, then met up with Edward and 5 other Catholic seminarians and his friend (also a male) for lunch. It wasn't as weird as one would think. Then, I went home. It costs me a half day from my PTO (which is really all the lee way I have because I'm saving them all for Christmas), but in the long run, this was probably one of the more awesome weekdays I've had since work started.

They've been throwing random substantial bits of work at me (substantial being an extremely subjective word, for me meaning requires some thinking and resourcefulness). I call them bits because they're that small. I try to let my insightfulness and intelligence shine through..but it's hard when I only got a paragraph to write. And then there's times like now when I just don't feel like working. I never realized how much easier it is to slack off, once you've figured out all the fun/productive(personal wise) ways time at work can be spent.

For example, I just realized that I never updated my car insurance on the fact that I'm not in school anymore. Probably will save me much moola. Cause everyone knows how delinquent full-time students are (as I exemplified I realized, recalling all my moving violations or a quote lookup).

Anyway, there's been lots of talk directed toward me about how I'm going to start having work to do...promises, promises. I just hope if it does actually start happening, I won't look like such a boob having just languished all this time. It would be like coming out of some bad, long vacation.

It reminds me of when I got a 5 month long summer because we moved from the Philippines that year (their summer break starts in late March and ends in May). Not only did I have to go back to school after doing nothing all that time, but it was a totally different school than I'd ever known. I remember my father hanging about, watching me go inline with the other 4th graders, and making signs at me (referring to an inside joke). I never really understood why he was doing that until I got older. He was just as anxious as me about the whole trans-cultural adaptation ordeal. I love my papa.

Habit and Routine

As I was going about my morning, I had this odd sensation. Even though I was coming off of a weekend (an unusual weekend at that), I didn't feel this huge burden of remorse and dread that it was 6am and the sun had not risen, or that the water changed temperature a third time while I was in the shower, or that I needed to go to work on what is generally considered a holiday. I wasn't like, completely thrilled about it, but there's this sense of safety and comfort in a routine. It's like in science, we don't really know anything for sure, but the fact that something has been done thousands of times and the same result has happened makes us feel a little more sure of something. There's just something about the predictability of the process that starts with me waking up and somehow ending up sitting at my desk.

The whole thing is riddled with decisions too. Decisions that I made a long time ago, that aren't necessarily the most efficient way of doing things. When I was younger, I used to wonder whether I was really taught how to soap myself properly, whether I was completely wrong and completely disadvantaged because I was taught our maids instead of my parents. Was there an American way of doing things that I was completely missing? Of course, who the f cares about that stuff now, but I think it's pretty amazing that a decision I made years ago about how to do any of things I do to get ready in the morning could still be in effect now. It's really amazing how habits form and from then on are completely automatic. Like, I never really think about why I use Head and Shoulders, then a current shampoo, then a conditioner. But if I think back, I remember it was because I had really awful, unhealthy hair when I used to color it and had some bad flaking going on.

And so it goes spiritually speaking. I was really pleased (I'm sorry, that just seems like the right word for it) that Tim Keller preached on repentance yesterday. I think the most striking statement he made was that we have no more reasons to screw up. There are no more reasons to fear and be anxious because of God's love, and there are no more reasons to be proud and arrogant because of knowing who you really are, thus no reasons to break God's heart. He just made it sound so freeing and easy. Way too often, I think about Christian living as a religion, as obligations, as duty but really it's the freedom to be good, nice, MYSELF without insecurity and/or hubris. Christian living is automatic and self-renewing.

A Different Friday

Ok, ok, I know it's a little demented, but I keep noticing all the sad trader pictures they have and think, wait a second, what if they really were just rubbing their eyes, what if they ALWAYS look like that because being a trader sucks. Then I found this. I tell ya, Google Reader can be so negative.

I'm kinda having a different day today because I got to come into the NY office. Usually, the only advantage of that is I sleep 45 more minutes (which is a great advantage indeed), but today I got to stay in a "Hoteling Room" where guest employees can login. There's a window and it's toward a part of the building that's not blocked and it opens to a patio area with plants. I see birds flying by once and awhile. And because I'm in a room, I can have pandora on. I just had a moment before writing this with a feeling of this must be how it is to be a writer or some self-employed person.

I got a bit of work to do today. I hope it ends up looking cool and being fruitful.

Idols and Home Life

Ok, so I'm still thinking about money a little today. Really, truly though, please read what Ramit has to say. If you read anything from this guy read this post. It's really interesting to see what he has to say about money. Considering the thought that money usually flows easiest to things we most love and treasure, the things we idolize, what he says implies that we're not even wise enough to idolize those things correctly. So not only are we foolish to store our treasures here instead of in heaven, we are even more foolish because we don't even stay consistent with our own desires. Just a thought...

I definitely do not regret leading a Bible Study on Saturday mornings. "Let's be clear!" (haha) But I am looking forward to getting to sleep in for the first time in weeks this Saturday!!! I also look forward to cooking myself a big breakfast, and watching VH1's Top 20 Countdown. I also look forward to finally finishing off our painting job, and perhaps repairing the awesome stickers I wanted to use that have since tragically fallen off (trust me, it's tragic to me). I look forward to doing these things without feeling guilty about it because I'm sick or something and I probably should be sleeping instead of paying attention to household things (some of which, I just have to mention in passive aggressive fashion, is not my duty to begin with). I might even friggin' clean the bathroom and take out the mountain of recycling I'm sooo excited. I think I'm just tired of feeling guilty about it, while no action has been taken at all by anyone. The J in me flares up beyond reason.

Thinking Ahead

On a funner note, I think I'm able to get Thanksgiving weekend off! Hooray! But in efforts to save money, I probably can't fly home, or anywhere else for that matter. So, is anyone going to a drive-able to Thanksgiving place this year who I can come with? I just want to get out of the city. Obviously, this would mean I could drive you.

Money

For better or for worse, I've been reading and thinking a lot about money today. I've noticed that ever since I was thus gainfully employed, there are whole days where I have somehow devoted all my time in thinking about something money related. I just get into this attitude all of the sudden, and then I need to just keep reading and keep doing stuff in Excel until I figure something out. It could be tinkering with my budget, applying for (the right) credit cards, 401K fund shopping (even though I'm not even participating yet), or learning more about IRAs, CDs, MMAs, my own student loans and creating some crude models out of that information.

Truth is, I don't have much at all (which is depressing considering how much I make). I overspend, frequently. And that's really embarrassing to admit, considering everything I know about saving/investing. I freaking studied investor and consumer behavior in school, but I still fall into the same heuristics and the same American consumerist ways. I know I have time. I'm only 22 after all (almost 23!). But the math in my mind keeps guilting me with "Man, if you just started now, like TODAY, you could be a millionaire by the time you're 65."

Feeling like this today has a lot to do with this guy. He's really smart and really practical and really reasonable, and he'll tell it like it is (he has a post that's titled "Cook at home, you lazy ass!" HAHA). And this site really is useful, and I hope all of you (since it's geared toward all of you) will get a chance to peruse some of his basic posts. But if you spend all this time reading posts and contributing to forums like I do (because I have the time to do that now), I think it gets kind of overwhelming.

The good news is, usually I go on this smorgasbord of money thinking, then the next day, I just let the decisions I made take its course, not worrying about it again...The problem is this is when I overspend and not realize I undermine the decisions I've made if I don't stick with my budget. As in, I can't invest somewhere if I can't save anything. Sometimes I think I'm fine with paying such high taxes (I screwed up my exemption number I think because I'm paying about 30% of my income! I am far from a tax bracket where that's appropriate I think.), because then when I get a refund next year it'll be like I was forced to save that money if I scooch it straight into a high-interest savings account at ING. But then there's all that opportunity cost.

Anyway, that's the details. Point is, I wish I was better with my money, most especially because I actually know how to do that. I just don't do it!

Life is Repentance (Rejoicing)

I was thinking recently about how grateful I am for my job(!). Yes, it caught me by surprise as well. If I really sit down and think about it, I am grateful for how clear it is to me that I need to be here (though God chooses to hide the exact reasons). I've learned a lot about depending on Christ. I've learned a lot about myself.

Actually, I really remember this whole, newly profound level of dependence on Christ idea hitting me around August/September 2007. I remember talking to Megan S on the phone during a long, routine walk home (when we still lived in the 23rd St apartment). I had my concentration set on this whole transition from college to not-in-school. I was asking her about how she managed to create community for herself in Christ Church while maintaining Navs in her life, because I was attending and trying to do the same at Astoria Community Church. We were talking about the lack of community in general, and how the loss of Navs the way we knew it is a way to figure out how powerful communion with the Holy Spirit can be...something to that effect. Really though, I felt like shit about the whole idea and how it was going to be and how hard it was to get used to. How to get used to a life change.

And since that time (about a year ago), boy have there been some dramatic changes in my life. From the very obvious to the very subtle. And it's weird to realize that throughout it all, all I was trying to figure out was this basic idea of repentance. Of course, like most of you, I thought, heck ya I know what that is, I'm a Christian. I can point to things and say, see I have repented, look at how much my life has changed! Look at how much God has empowered me to do the things I've done. See, God is definitely in communion with me and definitely in my life.

Andrea had handed me this Redeemer study titled "How the Gospel Changes You" around end of July. It was all about idols and repentance, and I thought, alright, alright, let me just read through this. It ended up being a major theme in my thoughts, prayers, and the way I related to people.

The thing is, alright, I understand the need to bow before God, understand who He really is and understand who I'm really not. Think of the magnitude of my full out rebellion against the God of the universe. No excuses, that was a choice I full out made. And then applying the idea that the triune God loved me enough to die for me, to chase after me, to tear His life apart and put it back together with me in it. This should in turn make us rejoice. Sing Amazing Grace, and shout hallelujah. (This part however rarely happens to me) But the thing I missed almost completely, that I don't think I ever thought about until I read the Redeemer study, was the need to PRAISE God. How it is physically, mentally, emotionally, soulfully impossible to rejoice, without giving praise to the One who makes it possible. We were meant to praise God, therefore if we do not do it, we cannot claim the gift we are meant to receive. It's as if I walked around saying, yes I'm Toti's (my father's) daughter, but never even gave him a call, never talked to him for years. I may always be Toti's daughter, that never changes, but there's that difference between a legal relationship and a personal relationship. I may always be his daughter, but do I love him? It's the same with the Father.

So in applying all that, I try to praise God everyday, and hopefully someday I can praise God all the time. Not that I'm great at it mind you, but I try. Even if it's a dry "God you are awesome." The exercise is good for my soul. "However important [growing my character] may be, this process of repentance trains us in habits of the soul that are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God." (from a 1 John Redeemer study). As Tim Keller says about relationships "Love is an action first, a feeling second." How could we expect any more from ourselves in our relationship with God? If loving God and being in a relationship with Him means forcing myself to sing a hymn, say a prayer, or read out stale sounding words, I'm going to freaking do it because it was what I was made to do. Like with most things, the focus isn't on receiving or even giving with excellence (that's covered by God in His covenant with us), really the focus is who you're giving to. That's what eros is, and that's the metaphor God likes to use with Christ as the groom and the Church as the bride.

Whew, that was a lot. But really it's been churning in my head for such a long time, it's the culmination of a lot of material read, sermons heard, conversations had, and feelings felt.

Btw, I think swearing off Google Reader is actually helping in a way I didn't fully expect. My life is really a lot less negative on a regular basis. Of course the negativity isn't Google Reader's fault per se, I just don't know how to subscribe to the less biased things without hearing about news no one else pays attention to. It's the blogging culture of the internet I suppose. Kind of how people rely on most of their news from late night TV which makes fun of everything, only on a grander scale. Also, I'd read Google Reader for most of my day which is more than the Bible, more than any other reading material. I think I just have to limit it to like an hour a day or something.

REJOICE!

Path

I always get a headache on Mondays. I think it's because I've been out and about all weekend and then on Monday, my brain complains that I've just been staring at a screen all day.

It's very difficult to keep any sort of perspective somehow.

My boss, John, is a really smart fella. He has quite a diverse resume and it surprises me how sometimes I expect him not to know the answer to a question he somehow still has something insightful to say intimating that he at least knows more than nothing about the subject. He knows what it has to do with. That's rare, I think.

Something that's really frustrating and different about working is that yes, ok I have always worked with at least some people who are smarter than me..ok, I can deal with that. But then, at school, it's kind of more clear why someone is smarter than you whether it be a gift, early childhood development, hard work, more time put in, etc. But at work, the differences are more subtle, and how to become a higher acheiver is subtler still. Before I could ask a kid like Guantong (really smart Sternie friend), say how did you know that? And he'll say something to the effect of reading this book, or doing that practice test. But if I ask John the same question, it'd be tougher to answer. Was it gaining experience on a construction site? Was it all that time he spent in London? Was it because he dated that one crazy Czech girl who worked with so-and-so? So it's frustrating for me, only because I really don't know what to aim for...and it seems I really do have to know what I want. I think I've been so content in just entering a machinery as a cog, that I've never had to figure things like that out. Not that it's normal to expect to know exactly what you want to be (not just do), but I guess I've just never been the ambitious type. I always feel like I've fallen into this path that God would have me walk. Now I'm having trouble figuring out what my next steps should look like. I know the end is God, but what does that mean about my job now? I am confused, as always.

Celebrate October!

Haha, I really like Claire's post about October. I was largely thinking the same thing yesterday. I really like the month of October. I always associate it with good things and good events in my life (not at all like crappy September). It has a billion birthdays in it: Mine(!!!), Claire's, my brother's, a few cousins', and several friends', my grandmother's (who has passed away); as well as my parents' anniversary, which they never celebrate or pay attention to, but somehow I'm the only one in my family that finds that kind of thing important (31 years for them, by the literal and full grace of God). And I guess I'll be adding my own dating anniversary with Ben. Also, in the last couple of years, I've gone on some retreat or other in the month of October. It's in October that it feels like it's just about that time to get out of here, or I will snap. Think of it, I've been in the tri-state area, really since the Ziesel wedding. I'm really looking forward to meaningfully leaving for the Pure Conference. Not like an overnight stay, or a day trip, like a real retreat. 22 days left woohoo! With so much to celebrate, there are always parties and get-togethers going on, too. October can really be as socially busy as December I think.

I also like how much cooler it gets. Everywhere I've lived in the world, it always gets cooler in October. This is weird, considering the Philippines is technically below the equator, though it is very close to it. Perhaps I am mixing memories, but I seriously remember October as the start of coolness (in so many levels). I know this line of thought is kind of contradictory to what I've said before, but keep in mind, the other two places I've lived at are tremendously hot places where any bit of cold was a good thing.

Redeeming Love

So I finished it. Rather anti-climactically might I add, because I almost totally expected it to end the way it did. I realized while talking to Ben yesterday that it oddly somehow mirrored my thoughts, prayers, and spiritual inner life throughout the month of September. Ideally, kind of like in the Bible, you should see yourself in every character, from the pure Miriam to the embittered Paul. From the broken prostitute to the Godly farmer.

Not that this book was any sort of catalyst, but it really was a companion of my thoughts. I started praying the way Michael prayed, sometimes with the exact words, almost imagining the Italics in my head. I cried over the lies that Angel would tell herself, knowing that that's how I talk to myself sometimes. Sometimes I would be reading the book on the train, and a minute later be faced with similar obstacles and with as much need for the Spirit as a character in the book did. The need to hear God call me and whisper, Beloved.

Anyway, I'm moving on to another book. Not quite sure if I'd want it to be so girly and intense. Btw, the book was sitting on my desk at some point, as I sometimes have it out to read a quick page or two, and a co-worker (same marriage guy mentioned in another post) saw it and asked me. "Is that a romance novel(!?), let me see that." I held it up and tried to explain: But no, it actually has to do with the Bible (but I don't think he really heard me through the clear part of the cubicle wall). He just gave me a look of disapproval, and walked away. It sucked, but I don't really care what he thinks about me. I just hate not being able to be understood correctly and clearly. Like it's not bad enough that I'm the only young woman around here who obviously is hardly working.