We are the weird ones

One of the annoying things about weddings/marriage is that most people have an opinion about it, and anyone who hears you're getting married suddenly wants to give you unwanted advice. This is way different than friends giving you an opinion, as that's completely normal and welcome, this is when random people, just because they think you're young and naive, just start telling you what you have to/should do. Boundaries, people, BOUNDARIES!

Unfortunately, I think Ben gets this stuff a lot more than me, not quite sure why (probably because I don't go to happy hour and you wouldn't normally talk about this in a corporate environment). The most annoying thing that keeps coming up since we graduated is, "Why don't you live together?" We've obviously been serious and all the more now that we're engaged (teehee understatement), so people generally just think, well, hey, you live an hour away from each other(!), why not just move in? I think what makes it most annoying is that if it really were that easy, then of course we would. But life ain't about being easy, it's about serving God, the Church, and those outside the Church. But again and again, we run into people who are surprised to find us "inconveniencing" ourselves, and the assumptions behind all assumptions is that we're in love and so we should do whatever we want. Get married, don't get married, move in together, don't move in if it's not convenient, have kids, don't have kids (ever), join your accounts or not, but above all else, of course you should definitely have sex. In fact, no sex is actually bad for you and just not healthy. You know what, we ARE in love, but we're not married yet and you don't really understand what love is if you think it means doing whatever you want or whatever "feels right". I think people who don't have a Biblical view of why we have marriage (and by that virtue dating) at all are just making stuff up, dependent on whatever is cool for our culture today.

I guess what's most annoying of all is that it wouldn't be such an issue if we didn't live in a city. It's just SO weird to find SO many people SO surprised as if we're the weird ones. These are all casual encounters btw, no one like that we're having a yelling match with or having weird conflict with because of it. It would just be nice to meet someone, for once, to meet someone who doesn't assume we're like the average engaged people in New York City. That when we say December won't say, "Wow! Of this year!" Or when they ask if we're moving in won't say "You should just do that now! It's so much easier!" Just so many unwanted opinions!

Wedding, wedding, wedding

Somebody suggested (perhaps Dan T) that I get new business cards saying "Bride / Wedding Planner". It does have a ring to it.

I ordered my wedding dress last Saturday and am very happy that that's over with. I had a rather specific idea in mind, and I was really worried that I wouldn't find it. I'm excited for the fittings that will slowly make this dress mine.

I've been looking at assorted wedding things today. I've been giving some serious thought on centerpieces.

This one is from the Knot. I like how these are both things I can get from Ikea: river rocks, rectangular vase. Check!

But I think I still really love this look (that I got from Blooms By the Box ), seeing the flowers through the glass. I guess it depends on how clear the glass is and pricing for the florist. I don't know if I want to use Blooms By the Box just because I don't wanna stress out about ordering something so close to the wedding. The caterer has some tea lights we could use too.

So I've learned a couple things so far while planning this thing. I was never the type of person to have her wedding all planned out already and all you need is the groom (oddly enough from someone like me, but it's true). So it's interesting what pops up. There are certain things I really don't care about. Somethings that I'm even surprised at how much it's just not important to me. Like the bridesmaids dresses aren't important to me (hey, they're all pretty hot, I'm not really worried about them looking absolutely beautiful). Ceremony decorations, my bouqet, bridesmaids' bouqet, food, alcohol. What are important to me are sentimental, meaningful, and unique musical choices and beauty. Beauty is a big one. I think the colors are really important and the design of the save-the-dates to the floral arrangements should somehow tie in together.

This makes it really hard to look through all the ideas out there. At least with my dress, I had an idea, but because I'm kind of open to other designs, it's a bit of a crapshoot. Also, you start feeling like having a beautiful wedding is impossible, because you can never do all these things they're suggesting. It's absolutely not true, but it's the lie I must contend with. I think it's very similar to reading Seventeen magazine and feeling really ugly and/or abnormal. I never did read those much.

There's a lot to stand up to the world to and say "NO!". Everyone has an opinion about weddings and marriage, and it's interesting the people that just freely give me advice, even when I didn't ask for it. Some of it is good of course, but it's annoyingly bad mostly, especially when they don't know me or me in a relationship with Ben that well. I think what's weird about it is that they left me alone about every other important decision I've made thus far, and all of the sudden they've got something to say about what date my Wedding should be. I'm realizing that I'm just not used to that. My parents were very hands off with me (as they continue to be now, except of course are more than ready to serve and help) and I'm just not used to people telling me something I've decided is wrong, especially when it was my decision to make. Deal with it! I don't care if you can come or not.

Obviously, I'm a little angry and stressed about it. Point is, all the random opinions from people who have no idea who I am is not helpful.

Healthy Weight Loss plus Nouwen/Love/Loneliness

So I've lost about 10 lbs now, using the The Daily Plate. I'm amazed at how easy it has been for me to do, just because it's very convenient being at a computer all day. This is the graph of my progress (but because I'm a lady, I'm not going to publish the numbers that correspond ;-p). Weekends I usually don't log stuff in, and you can tell by the graph because it'll be the lowest weight I've ever been and then on Monday it goes up. Also a lot of the net calories on Fridays are weird, because I usually didn't finish off the day. But so far the process has really worked out overall as a balance between watching what I eat, and yet still being able to eat cookies ^_^. It's cool to see that a decrease in net calories (either eating less or exercising some off) really leads to a decrease in weight. Also, there's that huge loss on March 6th only because I finally got a weigh scale from craigslist and started to weigh myself every weekday.


Started reading "Reaching Out" by Henri Nouwen. Some really convicting quotes:

"Friendship and love cannot develop in the form of an anxious clinging to each other. They ask for gentle fearless space in which we can move to and from each other. As long as our loneliness brings us together with the hope that together we no longer will be alone, we castigate each other with our unfulfilled and unrealistic desires for oneness, inner tranquility and the uninterrupted experience of communion."

"But real oppenness to each other also means a real closedness, because only he who can hold a secret can safely share his knowledge...An inimate relationship between people not only asks for mutual openness but also for mutual respectful protection of each other's uniqueness."

"There is a false form of honesty that suggests that nothing should remain hidden and that everything should be said, expressed and communicated. This honesty can be very harmful, and if it does not harm, it at least makes relationship flat, superficial, empty and often very boring."

GAH! I am just utterly struck by my need for the Gospel to be true, otherwise I collapse into nothingness. Otherwise, I demand intimacy from other people, and suck them dry. Well, lets hope I grew out of that somewhat, but at the end of the day, I still struggle with knowing what is appropriate to find in community and what to ultimately find in God.

One of the women in our Fellowship Group is currently pregnant and might give birth any day now. She was remarking on how weird it is that as an adult, she has experienced all kinds of love (parents, sibling, friendship, husband) and then you have a baby, and that's a completely new kind of love. I'm only 23, and have not experienced all the kinds she has, and I think the more love I experience from people, the more wisdom I must have in knowing how to deal with that. Like everytime I start loving another person or start loving a person more, I realize that it just means I need to love God all the more. It doesn't necessarily mean I demote the person in my life, it means I must place God higher than even that. I think that's how the Church of Christ is built up to become more and more like God. That's really hard to figure out, especially with a heart that's so selfish and sinful. You start to realize how high, wide and deep God's love is, and his capacity to love is infinitely greater than I'll ever get to. It's kind of like looking at my grandparents and knowing how much they gave up for their children and grandchildren, and thinking..man, could I do that?..but times infinity.

I didn't grow up with any deep friendships. And I think that has a lot to do with what God thought was best for my maturity. Things like that aren't just throwaway facts of a terrible childhood, but crafted by God to be that way for His own glory.

This idea brings hope and comfort, but it doesn't make the pain of the process go away. That's what makes counseling so necessary. And as Nouwen points out: "The real spiritual guide is the one who, instead of advising us what to do or whom to go offers us a chance to stay alone and take the risk of entering into our own experience." Basically, don't waste your sorrows and ultimately deal with loneliness by entering into it with just you and God, and use the opportunity to see more of God and His glory and love. It's surprising how faithfully God shows up when we truly ask Him to.

Dreams

Recently, I've been paying more attention to my dreams...don't really remember why, but I just have. I'm not writing them down or anything, though it helps when I tell someone about it. I noticed that most of my dreams actually include people I never really see like my parents, my brother, my closest cousins, my dog, my grandmother who has passed away, and Laura Z. Ben will make an appearance once and awhile, but most times it's all these random people.

Another thing is that I'm always on vacation somewhere, like in somebody else's house or my house or in a villa by the ocean. I guess it makes sense that I'm on vacation since these are the only contexts I see any of these people anymore. I realize that all of them have something to do with me being responsible for something.

One dream my parents and I went off on vacation, but apparently I had a paper to write and forgot some textbooks at home (SO weird, because I didn't really write that many papers as a Sternie). I drive back home and see my dog, Boris, and am so confused as to why my parents would leave Boris by himself (this is HILARIOUS because it would never happen and my parents are very particular about Boris's caretaker and schedule while they are away). But then my cousins Josh and Jikki were just hanging out there at my house. Basically it involved me running around taking care of things, while everyone wasn't doing anything about it.

So I think the running theme is that I feel resentful toward all the responsibility I've been given and other people who should be doing what they're responsible for, but are just so callously not, thus causing me to pull up the slack. Classic boundary problem I have with my parents. Classic boundary problem I have with everybody! Though, I think I've really made strides in this regard. Boundaries are so healthy.

Ah, thank God for counseling but more importantly His Holy Spirit!

Happiness is...

Ben and I made it to the new Jollibee by Little Manila in Queens last Saturday!!! Only, there was a long ass line so we didn't get to go in. BUT, I am insanely excited to have one so close to me for it is like the article says, Filipino soul food.

We also saw He's Just Not That Into You.....and oh my goodness, I never thought a secular chick flick could get it so close to the truth. Something that what said several times was something like, "If a guy wants to date you, he'll do anything he can to make it happen. If not, then get over it and move on." Such a simple idea, but sooooooo many implications. Seriously, what a frustrating problem of idolatry. The statement is simplistic and doesn't really offer much hope. But I think it was when I realized that this is a practical way to guard my heart, that I was free to love God more, to seek Him more. I figured out that if I didn't get confirmation of interest that I wasn't playing that emotional dating game anymore. No more phone calls, no more exclusivity, no more drama. And OMG, amidst the emotional anxiety and counseling, I just didn't need it. I'm not saying I'm not as crazy as Gigi (who is awkward in her desperation and needy-ness) anymore, because I very much back slide all the time, I'm saying if Jesus is my hope and my salvation, my sanctification is on track and I ain't so crazy all the friggin' time. Cause honestly, that's always a very real and weighty question. Is Jesus my Lord and Savior? It never goes away, single, dating or married. So basically, the movie lays out some basic truths that all modern, young women should think about.

Sex and Dating

I'm afraid this isn't going to be as juicy as the title might suggest. Just some general thoughts from the last few days.

I saw Kinsey on Sunday. It presented a lot to be thought about. Mainly though, I thought it was cool to see the life of this man (however true to life it really is) who genuinely cared and oddly enough grew up to be as much of an elder son as his preacher father was, saving himself and others instead of acknowledging the Savior.

It was also interesting to see that because he embarked on this project to measure sex in a scientific way, it made him wrestle with real questions more. He was adamant about sex being just animal behavior, but later on, it was hard to ignore the things that pointed to the realness of sex on more than just the natural level.

I also saw this article in the NY Times today. He just talks about the trend in young people nowadays to casually hook up, not with strangers but with friends, and only later if you really like the person deciding to date. He mentions how it emphasizes the friend groups (since no one is exclusive in this model), so no one feels left out if their not dating. It's amazingly brief for such a subject (much like this post is going to be). Like this quote: "So why is there an increase in hooking up? According to Professor Bogle, it’s: the collapse of advanced planning, lopsided gender ratios on campus, delaying marriage, relaxing values and sheer momentum." He says a lot in so little.

Christians could easily be really judgmental, obviously. Oh, these people not taking sex seriously. But for serious, young Christian communities have our own version of "hooking up", the deep emotional one. Living the Christian life is not so much about the behavior, but the heart behind the behavior. It seems NO ONE takes this seriously enough (however, I think that's how God's Law, can be this tool of grace and love, protecting us from hurting one another). I've certainly blogged about emotional dating before (in my xanga account), so I don't need to again. Just thought I'd tie it in to the subject.

Having never really dated anyone besides Ben, of course, I'm fascinated by the wide continuum that people are on when it comes to dating, especially since I'm in a very specific place in that continuum - the serious relationship. So having only experienced the two extremes it kind of taints my perspective, I admit. Some people casually date, just cause it's fun and you get to know cool people. According to the article people have started to replace that with casually having sex for the same reasons. I have to be honest in saying that I'm a little uncomfortable with anything that has to do with the possibility of marriage being casual. Besides, shouldn't the reason for dating be a Godly one, just like for anything else we do? The reason for relationships of any kind for that matter? I am committed to my family because they are who God gave me to serve. I love my friends because God loves me and has changed me, not because I'm just that cool and was born that way. I date Ben because God seems intent in using each of us for each other's sanctification and journey towards Him.

Again though, I must say, not knowing anything aside from what I have experienced, I hardly have a balanced perspective I'd like y'all's thoughts on it...leave me some sugar on the comments page.

Community

I have a habit of not trying too hard to explain myself when I write (why I got a B in Writing the Essay). This may be one of those posts.

This morning, I listened to Coldplay's "A Message". As most of you probably have heard it (I realize I enjoy music in a very isolated fashion and am not quite sure what everyone likes), here's just a snippet.

"My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes on
You don't have to be alone

Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it's so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own"

This morning I was reading this study by Beth Moore (my mom gave me for my birthday) on Jesus - "90 days with the one and only". Today she talked about how gracious God was to Mary. Gabriel didn't only tell her that she was a) going to be pregnant b) that it would be the Son of God, but also mentioned (obviously in Xaris paraphrasing world) c) "b-t-dubbs, your cousin Elizabeth is also having a radical, unexpected, and stigmatizing pregnancy too!" God was paying attention to the personal ramifications Mary was to endure. And after that, Mary goes to visit Elizabeth (who is like 70 miles away or something!) and Elizabeth has nothing but encouragement for her and shares in Mary's wonder.

You don't have to be on your own. Such a wonderful truth.

Ben and I had a "double datesky" with PJ and Gillian last Saturday. It was weird how remarkably blessed I felt by this. We weren't even talking about real deep stuff or insights about life. I can barely remember what we even really talked about or what any specific person said, including myself (which is really freaking odd, because I remember everything usually). Though without words being said outright, the commonality of our situations was so real that it was just a blessing to be in community with them.

Laura has written about this and related topics before (and much more extensively, with books and quotes to back her up ^_^), in obviously different circumstances from me, but what I have to say is similar, just me making my own peace about it. There's something alienating about being committed to another person when one is this young. It's not just about the time and energy that needs to be reallocated to only one person instead of spread to more people, it's also the heart knowledge of another person that uses this as currency. Not that I think my sisters don't know what's going on with me (obviously if you read this blog and talk to me once and awhile, you largely do), but it's just changed. It's not like in high school when I could tell my friends what happened last period. I'm grateful though, that this change obviously coincides with an increase in maturity about giving and receiving intimacy.

One of the greatest spiritual battles of my life has been intimacy and not having it or having too much. Never feeling like I had people in my life who really knew what I was about or trying to be, for most of my life. That obviously changed with the Navigators who freely offered me community. But that was only the beginning. I see now that I spent my college years figuring this out: "Empowerment does not translate to entitlement". Just because I'm given something good, it doesn't mean I deserve it, or can manipulate it to my ends and pleasure. Intimacy is a gift and is something given not taken. Just because we need community, it does not mean we deserve it, or are automatically given one. You cannot force people to be friends with you, just because they showed you they want to be your friend. I think it took me awhile to freaking grow up and realize this. Many of you were victims of this process.

Thank God for boundaries! Kind of like at work, just because these people are invited to a certain type of intimacy with me (the normal everyday type where they see me everyday for most of my waking life, hear me cough and see what I have for lunch) does not mean they have access to my heart. They don't get to ask me what I did last night, unless it's something I had already talked about. I think when our boundaries were disregarded and violated in the past, it's harder to see God's design, or we misinterpret that to be God's design - we either close up desperately building a thick wall of protection or open up for a free for all with no thought as to the dignity of our personhood.

The truth is I need community and am blessed with it. But this stage in life is just far more different than the previous one before it. And just like how I had to get used to the truth that I can't force people to be friends with me. I need to get used to the idea that I'm a woman now, making decisions for myself that have real consequences, and I need to seek out community more than it has come to me (i.e. Mary). And I need to be grateful for what comes and not use it just for myself (i.e. Elizabeth). I don't have to be on my own.

Whew, thanks for letting me process.