Stationary, an old friend

So invites and other paper-related products that I want for this wedding is one of the more exciting parts for me, though turning out to be a lot more expensive than I anticipated...sometimes I think I'm even more excited about it than my dress. Don't ask me why. To cut down costs, we'll be sending out the invite through email to a large amount of the young'ins. Either way though, all invitees will see the fabulous work of Kyo Y (her last name means inside the mountain, just so you know). Of course, I have yet to see this fabulous work, but I'm sure it'll be great! I'm just so super grateful for her services.

I've been seeing pictures from the National Stationary Show on wedding blogs. And turns out Kyo actually went to it yesterday! I'm so very jealous! I don't know, I think I just really love pretty paper. I'm thinking this would be one of my dream alternate careers, owning a stationary store. It would be great to be surrounded by such beauty, yet not necessarily having to create that. As well as facilitating the communication of people.

I used to collect stationary as a girl...sadly enough I had nothing to use it for. I'm not sure what ended up happening to all of it. I think this was the only reason why I wanted a pen pal...and you know, friendship. I started writing letters to my cousin, Jikki, for this reason. I wrote so much to her, that I memorize their address. Who does that nowadays?

I don't remember the last time I actually wrote a letter to someone. I still have the various stamps and real candle wax and "X" seal that I used. I even had one of those feather pen things that you could buy at Barnes and Noble ^_^. I should really try writing more often, then maybe people would start writing me back! It will be a letter-writing revolution!

I just really loved this save the date that I saw on Brooklyn Bride. It's so hilarious to me! So simple, yet communicating exactly what I want.

Lala again, and Being a Loner

I cannot believe it is only Tuesday. I'm battling this headache that has seemed to persist throughout yesterday and today. It tends to ebb and flow though.

Apparently it is really easy to embed a song or even an entire playlist from Lala to Blogger. I'm mucho excited at the possibilities. For you RSS readers out there, come to the site to check it out on the side bar.

I just cannot make friends with the young people I work with. As I sometimes do, I walked out with Christine to the mall today, because she was buying her lunch there. I had brought and already eaten my lunch, so this was purely just to chat a bit. Then we sit at a table with other Business Analysts/Senior Business Analysts we know. I'm never exposed to this crowd anymore. I haven't gone to their frequently scheduled happy hours for several months now. Why? Well, because I don't think I've got anything to talk with them about. All they ever do is make fun of each other and tell stories about their bouts of public drunken tom-foolery. I've really got nothing to add to that. The women also forever talk about the random cute guys they meet at bars or other similar venues. I may know all about being needy and desperate, but I've never been around people who have gone so far as to embrace it as what defines who they are. I just thought most people would be ashamed of it. This annoys me to say the least, and I feel like I have nothing in common with any of them.

Sometimes I think I talk to Christine only because she's pilipina, a commonality strong enough for us to talk about random things. Also, maybe because she's been in a relationship so long, she doesn't go on and on and on about boys and relationships. She's also had more experience and may be more mature in terms of work and life in general.

It's just frustrating that I get along better with the 40-something Joel, talking about the rental market in January and interest rates, than with these people my age. At the very least, it makes me feel like a loner everytime I'm forced to hang out with any of them outside of work. I wish work would be more like The Office sometimes. Maybe that's why I don't like watching it.

I guess I'm just not that person who's character, relationships, community, worth, happiness come from work. And that's a good thing.

I wish it was Sunday

I know it's a Monday when I've got a headache looking at a screen all day. Imagine if I was doing actual work! I sincerely never realize where my day goes. Having this 9-hour block of time, unscheduled...it's confusing.

Lala and Idolizing my wedding

So I just signed up for Lala this rival to iTunes, except with a totally different business model and looks to be web-based. You can listen to the entire song once before buying. Also, you can add songs to your collection for 10 cents for unlimited play, and the first 50 are free! You can play it from any browser, which is perfect for me at work! (Until IT gets with it and blocks it). I'm not sure about pricing, but so far "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce is $1.19 and "Rockstar" by Nickelback is $0.79 ^_^. And you can upload all your music onto their site so I could listen to my music at work! Crazy! Of course, like all the newest things, it has a social aspect to it, but I'm assuming I won't have too many friends on there for now.

I've been thinking about shame lately and how that relates to our idols. This wedding is definitely a "near" idol that needs to be destroyed. But I think I never really thought about how insecure we can be with our idols. At least, I've never really applied this thought to my own idol of having the perfect wedding. When we worship anything other than God, we really associate our identity with it. Like if we worship friends or relationships, we morph ourselves to be exactly like our friends just to be cool, neglecting to nurture how God made us uniquely. This is like High School socializing 101! But something in all of us knows, it's not enough for our souls and never will be. So whenever an idol like this is attacked, our very self feels attacked.

Let me apply this to wedding stuff. Whenever someone questions and/or is fairly negative about a decision I made for the wedding, I feel attacked personally. As if that person is not just saying I'm doing everything wrong (which isn't necessarily what they're saying), but I myself am wrong. Beneath this feeling is the feeling of being shamed. Feeling that if my wedding isn't perfect that it's reflective of my shameful self. Why does it shame me? Because it has become my god, I have sacrificed everything for it, and loved it above all things, BUT it does not redeem, love, cherish, protect, strengthen me. It in fact does nothing but give me some human approval, which is rather worthless in the long run. It is not JESUS CHRIST who gave all of Himself for my sins and for the restoration of my beauty and true self, which is something infinitely more valuable and everlasting.

It's taken me awhile to kind of parse through the various feelings and triggers that has been going on the last few weeks. I'm sure there will be more to come. I've been using my control over wedding plans as my savior to try and fight the feelings of shame at the prospect of having a "sub-par" wedding. Really, I must not be like "chaff that the wind blows away" fighting for myself. I must be "like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." This realization took me a lot longer than it should've, but I love how it didn't take me as long as it used to ^_^. God has been so gracious to me.

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night." - Psalm 1:1-2

Rollin' with my homies

While talking to my boss today about possibly needing to turn in status reports tomorrow (because he'll be out), he mentions that some people may start to be rolled off the project, since we've got nothing to build at this point...It's so weird to think I'll actually might leave this cubicle in Jersey City, and might do some actual work in some other busy building, but be in a completely stable job (well...you know, as complete as you can be in this economy). How exciting! I know work isn't always going to be this huge fulfilling thing in my life and that it doesn't have to be, but it's nice to think about the prospect of change on the horizon. I'm really getting quite tired of awkwardly asking if there's anything to do and just getting the "nope, I'm good" answer. I just sit at my desk ruminating about the wedding without a buffer from the anxiety that brings. Anyway, I really like what comes with being a consultant. I see other young people who work for the client, and I marvel at the thought that the other job I was interviewing for was for their type of job. I think I just like knowing that where I'm at isn't the end until I get promoted or something. But my company gives me the much needed stability I need, so that I'm not like out on my own trying to market myself. I can't even imagine!! Somehow, I still like my firm and look forward to growing with it. I can see myself staying there for quite some time. Also, they're rolling out some new business cards that say "Consultant" on them, and I am TOTALLY psyched. God is so gracious, even in the little things (one might say, especially in the little things).

Wedding annoyance of the day: "December 21st...that's a Monday right?" Yes, silly vendor. So give me a cheaper price! What ELSE are you doing that day?

Ribbon Bird, Freedom and Love

My brother and I used to make ribbon birds like this when we were younger. I forget why we got so into it, or where we learned it from, but I think my brother was running for student council. He made a ton of blue ribbon birds and used a safety pin to put them on people. It was really apropros because the school's mascot involved an eagle and the school color was blue. I've been thinking about somehow incorporating this in the design of our wedding, just because I think it's unique. I grabbed this picture from here.

At the same time as his bird-making, there was this trend at school (my all-girls Catholic school) where girls started selling stuff to each other, like cupcakes, fans, bracelets and other girly things. So I thought, hey, maybe I can sell these ribbon birds as pins. So my mom and I made some (like a lot, like 30 or something) and put it in a little box with some safety pins. I was so excited, I thought this was the best idea ever. I took it to school, but I think only 2 people or so ever really bought one. I was kind of disappointed and didn't know why my plan didn't work. I don't even think I wanted the money, I just wanted to be popular. And as if I didn't learn from this experience I tried selling it again in middle school at this market day thing when people spend fake money they earned as bonus points. I think it just confused people yet again. Why would they want one? OH you know, if you were trying to add beauty to your life...I guess that's not something you're interested in when you're young. These experiences probably have a lot to do with why I don't understand entrepreneurship.

So I've been reading "The Mystery of Marriage", and as I mentioned he is totally a feeler. You can also totally tell he's a man, by what he emphasizes as the difficult parts of marriage. The closeness, the realness, the not being alone, etc. These are things that I certainly struggle with at times, and more and more as marriage becomes ever more real, but I just think most women I know struggle with wanting this too much from men. But that's my $.02. It is still rather excellent. It's kind of like he's persuading you about the wonderfulness of marriage BECAUSE it's raw, close, real, and ever watchful. But for me, it's more like reading more about something I've already been sold on. The reason why he sounds like this may be because it's geared toward people who are already married. I can definitely see how easy it would be to forget what he's talking about.

"It is no secret that there is this heady, breathtaking freedom in love, but how many realize that the marrying kind is the headiest of all? In a person about to be married there is a quality of footloose derailment, as if an old rusty locomotive had suddenly sprouted wings and soared away from its tracks. Being engaged is like entering a new stage of childhood, right down to the feeling of strange new chemicals being released into the body. It is, in fact, like having a new body, like being a brand new creature just emerged from a cocoon, with shining skin not quite dry. It is like baptism. The world is so bright, and this crazy new body is so incredibly sensitive to everything. It is one thing to be a new creature as a baby, without any sense of self-consciousness. But it is something else when this happens to an adult. One stumbles around, lumbers, cranes, reels. And what are those ponderous appendages on one's back, thos preposterous, unwieldy contraptions that keep lifting one up into the air?"

Wedding, wedding, wedding

Somebody suggested (perhaps Dan T) that I get new business cards saying "Bride / Wedding Planner". It does have a ring to it.

I ordered my wedding dress last Saturday and am very happy that that's over with. I had a rather specific idea in mind, and I was really worried that I wouldn't find it. I'm excited for the fittings that will slowly make this dress mine.

I've been looking at assorted wedding things today. I've been giving some serious thought on centerpieces.

This one is from the Knot. I like how these are both things I can get from Ikea: river rocks, rectangular vase. Check!

But I think I still really love this look (that I got from Blooms By the Box ), seeing the flowers through the glass. I guess it depends on how clear the glass is and pricing for the florist. I don't know if I want to use Blooms By the Box just because I don't wanna stress out about ordering something so close to the wedding. The caterer has some tea lights we could use too.

So I've learned a couple things so far while planning this thing. I was never the type of person to have her wedding all planned out already and all you need is the groom (oddly enough from someone like me, but it's true). So it's interesting what pops up. There are certain things I really don't care about. Somethings that I'm even surprised at how much it's just not important to me. Like the bridesmaids dresses aren't important to me (hey, they're all pretty hot, I'm not really worried about them looking absolutely beautiful). Ceremony decorations, my bouqet, bridesmaids' bouqet, food, alcohol. What are important to me are sentimental, meaningful, and unique musical choices and beauty. Beauty is a big one. I think the colors are really important and the design of the save-the-dates to the floral arrangements should somehow tie in together.

This makes it really hard to look through all the ideas out there. At least with my dress, I had an idea, but because I'm kind of open to other designs, it's a bit of a crapshoot. Also, you start feeling like having a beautiful wedding is impossible, because you can never do all these things they're suggesting. It's absolutely not true, but it's the lie I must contend with. I think it's very similar to reading Seventeen magazine and feeling really ugly and/or abnormal. I never did read those much.

There's a lot to stand up to the world to and say "NO!". Everyone has an opinion about weddings and marriage, and it's interesting the people that just freely give me advice, even when I didn't ask for it. Some of it is good of course, but it's annoyingly bad mostly, especially when they don't know me or me in a relationship with Ben that well. I think what's weird about it is that they left me alone about every other important decision I've made thus far, and all of the sudden they've got something to say about what date my Wedding should be. I'm realizing that I'm just not used to that. My parents were very hands off with me (as they continue to be now, except of course are more than ready to serve and help) and I'm just not used to people telling me something I've decided is wrong, especially when it was my decision to make. Deal with it! I don't care if you can come or not.

Obviously, I'm a little angry and stressed about it. Point is, all the random opinions from people who have no idea who I am is not helpful.

A Quick One

I worked on our wedding website today. It's not ready for public viewing or anything, but it's been fun to put together. It's hard to imagine what people who have never met me might want to hear about me. Should I be cute? Should I be sophisticated? Should I be intelligent? I'm not freaking out about it or anything...yet.

I also liked putting up some pictures. The famous picture of me attacking Ben when we went apple picking is up there. I will see if it is vetoed...Really it made me realize how long I've known Ben, and what we've shared in friendship, romance, and fellowship. Who would've guessed we would get this far? I can honestly say, I didn't.

Can I just say it is soooooooooooo weird to be trying so hard to NOT think about wedding and marriage before engagement (for obvious reasons of idolatry and whatnot), and then suddenly flip the switch and it is my job now to be thinking about that. To truly seek out what God means for marriage, as He invented it. Anyway, began reading "The Mystery of Marriage" by Mike Mason the other day. So far really, really AWESOME! Such a feeler.

Engagement Ring

Among the many adjustments one goes through when they decide to get married, I thought I would write about how adjusting to my engagement ring has been like. It's been odd to wear something 24/7 at work, on the subway, in bed, in the shower, that is sooooo valuable on so many different levels, and not just to me but to another person as well. The only thing that comes close are my earrings with my birthstone, and that's just cause I'm too lazy to take out TWO sets of earrings, and just take out one. I have to be careful now when I wear certain scarves, because little pieces of thread get caught on the setting of the ring. I haven't needed to wear gloves much, but I can imagine not knowing how to do that properly. It's also just really distracting and sparkly, so it's kind of really hard to forget you're engaged. It's just weird to be so normal, sitting on the couch, having some fried chicken, and all of a sudden the light catches on it and you realize you don't know if you should be eating with your hands.

Of course, I can and will, I'm pilipina after all. But it kind of draws on a larger point. It truly symbolizes a promise, a promise of going into a covenant relationship. One of my aunts when reacting to the news of our engagement talked about how in Jewish culture when you're betrothed people are basically already married (citing how Joseph thought he needed to divorce Mary quietly, when they were betrothed). And it's interesting because I heard from a Redeemer class once that the Greek word they use for the seal of the Holy Spirit or something (doing this from memory, SO not a seminary student) is actually the word for engagement ring. Basically, symbolizing how as Christians we are all engaged, and we keep being engaged until the Wedding Feast of the Lamb, when the church finally marries Christ. We don't get a ring from Jesus, we get the Holy Spirit who is always there 24/7 at work, on the subway, in bed, in the shower. Except it's a lot easier to forget that we belong to Jesus. It's a lot easier to just eat fried chicken and be a slob without even a thought to our marvelous state of being the Beloved. (again, not that there's anything wrong with that ^_^ just making a point).

Anyway, engagement is just this like really weird, unique time when that reality can really manifest itself.

Transition Remix

I realized that I may need to start forcing myself to write again. Work has just gotten slower and slower and I'm unable to find an anchor. PLUS, I realized (and this may make me sound stupid by how obvious it is) that I'm undergoing yet another huge transition cleaving more and more to Benjamin. AND, it's May again.

Last year, I was really stressed out about my family coming to New York and meeting Ben for the first time, getting all this attention, attention, attention from a large family, and generally getting ready for graduation itself to be a let down...and it was. It was not fun for me and seemed not really the way I would've wished to finish off 4 of the most important years of my life. I felt rather alone, lost and off-kilter.

Engagement is obviously something I joyously looked forward to and hoped for and differently so than Graduation. Though, I don't think I thought about Engagement as much as Graduation in terms of what this would actually look like, feel like, seem like. Confusion and being lost comes with every transition in varying degrees. I am so confused that I think I have to remind myself that it's completely normal to be confused. It's completely normal to be so happy yet anxious at the same time. That this is a GI-normous deal and whether I know it or not, I am dealing with a lot. I am in need of so much grace. I've been getting really good at making myself feel guilty these last couple months, but the penalty for my sin has already been fulfilled, and I must surrender.

Like always, I need to figure out how I'm not relying on Jesus. That's just a lot harder when I'm finding new footing in general.