Dreams

It's been awhile since I've really blogged. And I think my writing may have suffered for it.

I've been thinking about dreams lately. Allow me to process.

Ever since I got married, my dream life (as in when I'm asleep) has been very, very active. I think it has a lot to do with not having the "second commute" of going from somewhere in Manhattan (downtown, midtown, or Washington Heights) to Astoria after a full night. I've been sleeping well enough, better than any other time of my life. I dream about work A LOT. A lot of the time it's me thinking over a problem over and over again in my dreams, but then I wake up and realize it didn't make sense at all or it wasn't even all that helpful. I also dream about wacky situations with people I love. None of the dreams are necessarily good...I can't recall the last time I really had a good dream.

On the other hand, it's been weird to be "living in a dream" (as in my waking life). I think if I sit down and count the number of things I've always wanted and now have, I'd realize what an ingrate I am. In a lot of ways the dreams I had as a child are very much true in my life now, even the dreams I was too scared to admit I had for fear that I'd never get it. An attractive husband who loves God and loves me, a stable job (we'll get to that), family and friends who care for me and I can count on, a church I've committed to and made roots in, a great apartment in the middle of a really cool city, a car, the lifestyle I maintain with all the food, theater, entertainment...it's rather odd to me, just the idea that I've suddenly become an outwardly (well really WORLDLY) successful adult person. Sure I wanted it! But I would not have believed this was possible, even just 4 years ago.

20-year-old me would proclaim that I was living in a dream. It's rather nuanced this idea of dreams though. It does not satisfy, it does not fulfill, and nor should it. The thing is, because I never thought that my greatest hopes and dreams would come true, I really played that down as a child, resulting in me being a dysfunctional dreamer. I had a very hard time answering the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", because I really didn't know what to aim for. I was just pushing through the short term, good or bad as it was, feeling like I'd ultimately not achieve much of anything, and I was preparing my heart for failure.

Now that I'm in a dream fulfilled, and of course I being a sinner in a sinful world am not satisfied. Well then, maybe I should dream for something else. What could it be? Greater comfort, greater wealth...are these things really greater? Won't they fail me once again and I will again want more? With these thoughts before me, I don't know how to dream. The Bible points to the need to dream and work for the Second Coming, when all will be restored and made right and God's people will reside with him in a city that's apparently a ginormous cube...but so often is this an ethereal thing. Not concrete enough to build on. My humanity creates barriers to understanding the impact and magnitude to my everyday life.

Ben is a really good foil for me on this. He's wanted to be a doctor since he was a kid. Though it's not like his road has been unwavering and straight (there have been many second, third, and millionth thoughts on whether this is the right path), he's pretty much been on a path toward where he is now and we hope in God that he continues down this path. Maybe he'll be a doctor in NYC, maybe he'll be a doctor in the suburbs, maybe he'll be doing missional work, who knows, but the main dream is to become a doctor. It's really neat when you think about it. I mean, what a cool dream!

I didn't and still don't have a dream like that. A dream that tangible, basic, and easy to communicate. Because of this, I think it's very easy for people to talk to him about his working world, and in essence his dreams. It's natural for him to tell people about him learning about what ails people and him helping people get better as a daily part of his work. I hear enough and understand enough from him that I know why people like talking to him about it. It doesn't stop me from feeling like a lesser part of our couplehood when I don't have a real concrete answer to "How's work doing?". I am partly to blame also because I honestly don't even have an "elevator speech" much more able to communicate very well about what I do. Nevermind knowing how to talk about dreams I don't have, except the little ones that don't mean anything. I lose momentum in a conversation, and Ben is readily there to talk more about his dreams. I'm laying it out here to have anyone reading this as a sounding board. I think it's just a cultural reality that professions that are revered like medicine draw a lot more attention and awe than something like finance...especially nowadays.

I don't really know where I was going with all that. I just know that there's something more to be had in this life than I have now. And it's such a danger to go looking for it in the idols of sex, power and money, which ultimately is all I ever dream about to be perfectly honest. Dreams really reveal what a person's idols are. The same goes with their worst nightmares. Not admitting to my dreams means not confessing my true desires, which is really just avoiding repentance. I forget what has lead me to a great measure of peace is repentance, and repentance is my road to complete shalom where longing has no place. But it's very hard to keep reminding yourself that in the light there is no shame.

Back to the familiar yet very different

It's been a tumultuous 2 weeks for me at work. I've been on the bench since I left the previous client end of January. Generally, this means being put to work on small tasks that need to be done for my company, but also freaking out about where you're going next and about how your next interview is going to go. I was lucky enough to only go through 2 interviews and am going back to the first client I had in Jersey City, but on a very different project. I'll be working more as a Project Lead, meaning holding and chairing meetings, making a project plan, writing specifications documents, and generally making sure everyone is doing what they're supposed to do. It's beyond everything I've ever done, and the environment there is not very project friendly either. People drag their feet, there's lots of politics. I was terrified of the interviews because I felt this guilt that I wasn't able to do what they were talking about. If ya'll remember, I didn't do much at this client, and I was playing out scenarios in my head of being exposed as a fraud, an idiot, someone completely incompetent. I felt like crying numerous times, especially when I was just sitting in an office with barely anything to do and it's all I could think about.

During that time, God was definitely trying to speak to me. Ben counseled me well and was brave to wave through the emotional mess. There were random resources that showed up like when Scott Sauls tweeted: "A guilty conscience is more terrified by imagined dangers, than a pure conscience is by real ones (John Flavel)" I realized that I was scared because of guilt. I realized that as a child of God, I have nothing to be ashamed of, and that even the worse of myself won't come up in any interview ever in my life, but the Lord of the universe would always know, and always accept me. It's also revealing to me how much I don't hear or listen to God Himself and I cling to the lesser things that he speaks through. Obviously, that has to change.

At the same time, my internal manager was bringing up somethings from the previous client. He was saying how I wasn't performing as well as another co-worker. This really bummed me out, because the other co-worker was crazy about work, to the point of idolatry. She came in at 8:15am and left at 7pm-7:30pm (at least!) daily and partied with the client every week. There's nothing wrong with these things in moderation, but I DID NOT want to be like her. And I was trying to be as honest as I could with my manager about how unfair this felt especially since the review was during the ramp up to my wedding. But he was abrupt and harsh and rebutted on certain things I said without acknowledging the points I conceded to, which I'm not used to from him. It sucks that it had to all happen with email, which is the brunt of the problem, I guess. He's off somewhere at a client, I can't just walk into his office and talk. He usually loves me. I usually trust his judgment. That's been broken now, and I'm not sure how to proceed. This guy is in charge of my development and is the person who makes suggestions to the partners about my raise, my bonus, my promotion or lack thereof. It's all very similar to sanctification, without the safety and love of the covenant. I felt even more exposed and incompetent. Again, I felt like quitting. Ben made a good point saying that it was very stereotypically male. "Just suck it up!" was what I felt like he was saying, without acknowledging anything reasonable nor emotional. That's just really dissatisfying from someone who wields a lot of power over you. It's also not the best way to motivate me nor gain my obedience. It's so different from Jesus. Not that that's surprising, just that it will be a frustration from my work, I think, for the rest of my corporate life. Corporate America was built by men for men for a majority of its existence, it's a real challenge to break through that.

It's funny that while I was waiting to hear back from this client, I was given a little carrot. They setup an interview with Barclays, which would've been in an old Lehman building 5 blocks from home. The same building I thought I'd work in for Internal Audit. And they were looking for someone with good Excel skills. The manager was pilipino. It would've been a slam dunk for me, but obviously God had other plans. Plans that are more challenging, but probably more rewarding.

Having said all that, below are the things I'm looking forward to:
-Having my personal space and my own cubicle again
-Having access to a mall when I need to go to a mall...as well as Target
-Eating at a Food Court for my Friday lunches
-Taking the PATH train, the most reliable train system I've used to date
-Longer commute (than just going to 23rd St) actually means more reading for me!
-The commute still only 30 minutes!!! AMAZING!

Marriage Lesson Number 1 for Xaris

^"22Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. ²³Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, ²⁴since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." - Colossians 3:22-24

We all know how this passage has been used for evil and injustice in the past. And it's really too bad, because I feel like whenever it's brought up, it's tainted with that. But that's the work of the enemy, and we must overcome the evil because we are the sons and daughters of a victorious God. And on that note...

My gracious husband brought this verse to mind for me in these last few somewhat tumultuous work weeks. It's strange that work and faith issues should come up only now and so suspiciously right after beginning a new life, a new normal and getting over other issues (clearly wedding, family, relationships related...and still there, just not prominent). But I guess that's how God wants it to be right now - obvious.

I had a less than stellar year-end review, which would usually not be so devastating for me, a decidedly above average but not too overachieving kind of person. Unfortunately, my work knows my potential too well, and despite having a perfect record of completing projects and giving the client what they want, they knew I could do better...and told me so, which is their job after all. I would've been promoted again this year, but didn't make the cut because of this (btw this was a bigger deal than last year's promotion because I would start managing people at the Senior Business Analyst level). There are lots of reasons of course, but the main ones being I was planning a wedding and I don't really prioritize work.

Somehow, this review felt different from all the B's I've gotten from good ol' Stern that made me feel subpar. For one thing, I was viewing work differently.

Ben and I have always talked freely about money as it related to heart issues and the practical workings of our individual finances. And our transition to one unit is probably much smoother than a couple who'd never even talked about it before. Just like anything though, you really don't know what you're talking about until it's actually happening to you. I thought a lot about the consequences of marrying someone who doesn't have an income. Being the woman AND the sole income earner for a family of 2 in NYC. My money is now really not just my money. Aside from accountability with how I spend it, there is now an implicit accountability to how I earn it. Yes, we depend on my income and employment, which doesn't necessarily mean a dependence on just me (more like a dependence on the gifts of God) but that doesn't mean I can ignore how this correlates to my performance. What if I were to lose my job today? This thought means something more real and different now than it did when I was single. Before, I would survive on savings, maybe ask my parents for money, maybe move to Jersey City for awhile if it really got down to it...but now I can't just go and do those things. I have not felt as insecure about my job since I didn't have one lined up my Senior year at NYU. Even through the financial crisis, I felt like I was in this little bubble of safety, working for banks without being an employee of one, being seen as revenue instead of cost minimizing, it was the last of my fearful thoughts. Now, I feel the pressure, even when it's not being applied, that I have to do well because someone else depends on me.

Now, I have to care about what work thinks of me and how I'm performing. There's a bad way to do it of course, but there's the elusive good, God-fearing, honoring way. The way that actually loves and serves people. The way that uses the standards of the kingdom of God not the broken, worldly standards of greed and ambition. I'm not just talking about loving people well, I'm talking about doing my job as excellently as I possibly can to make someone else's life easier, or to show that I care about what they care about. To be for the flourishing of the city. Because when the city prospers, I prosper. And in this time of financial vulnerability (which I didn't plan on for myself when I was single in post-graduate life...I did graduate from Stern after all, yes the arrogance of this is clear), I can find the lessons of complete reliance on my God who I don't believe has taken me this far just to leave me. He remains ever faithful and good. And I remain foolish if I think I can make plans without being flexible. If I think I know best how my life should go. I only have to look at how my life and how it has gone waaaaaaay past any dreams or goals I had for myself. I am not in charge, and that's a freeing experience to realize.

I went to a Financial Services Ministry event at Redeemer, where they appropriately talked about the parable of the talents. It's such an accessible parable, but it really has some powerful implications...much like any of Jesus's parables really. Notice that every servant is given a different amount of talents, because God knows what we ultimately can handle. The 2 talent guy and the 5 talent guy both increased their profits 100%. Notice too that no one lost anything, it's either you didn't do anything with your talent and got yelled at or you gained an unbelievable amount for the Master. The kingdom of God is the perfect investment, there's nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Either way, the servants were just stewards of what they'd been given.

So I've been put as a "slave" here on earth, as a worker, as a business analyst. I will do the work I have been given because it will ultimately please my true Master and Lord. I will do it with all the talents I've been given and not be like that 1 talent guy in the parable who just buries it in the ground. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain, by serving in my work. It is for Him that I work, not my manager, not my husband. This life is just a gift.

It isn't easy to live this out, but I'm excited by the possibility of growth.

Disclaimer: It isn't lost on me that Ben and I are in a much better financial situation than a lot of people in NYC or the world for that matter. The lifestyle we live would probably be called excessive in most developing countries. It's a social problem, and I plan on being part of the solution in different ways. But hopefully you all know what I mean by financial vulnerability.

Update!

It has been a good long while, and much has happened it feels like. When I was forcing myself to write everyday, I really did have a bloggers mind. I would have profound (in my view ^_^) thoughts and immediately start forming a beginning, middle, and end of a blog post. I think I really did become a bit better at writing. Once in a while, I'll think about writing a post, but literally have no clue when I would do that. Except for the wedding blogs (which I usually just rush through anyway), I haven't really kept up with my friends' blog or Google Reader. It's unfortunate, and I think I really do feel the lack in connectedness. Anyway...some bullets on what's been going on:

Wedding Shtuff
- Wedding planning has been simultaneously relaxed and scary. I decided on a lot of things very early on, making it more of a lull at the moment. But already the details of what's actually needs to happen is encroaching. In the end, the things that make it stressful are the things that arise out of the planning, nothing to do with colors, style, or logistics. Maybe it's my own sins, maybe it's Ben's, maybe it's our families'. Mostly though, it becomes painfully obvious how different Ben and I operate, making working together rough going, which is relatively new for us considering how smoothly everything else we've worked on has gone (e.g. Navs leadership). Yes, we are planners and are very organized individuals, but the nuances of how this is executed is different. On the whole though, this is a good thing and engagement is exactly that time when such things start being wrestled with and accepted.

- I've been having odd thoughts about my wedding dress. I think I'm largely over it now, but I really was struggling with loving my dress...and I never really thought I'd be that kind of a girl. It was the first dress I tried on. It's kinda an awkward, "I like you, but...I don't know if you're the one." I finally put pictures of it on my phone, and I think that's helped in some odd way to look at it all the time....I know, it's just a dress, an object, I'm weirded out too.

Health
- So I gots to get a colonoscopy next month. It was a bit jarring because of a number of factors, a big one being that I have absolutely not days off left for the year because of the wedding and honeymoon. I just need to take that day as unpaid leave, which isn't such a big deal, but I just hate having so little time off. Being a consultant can be so challenging, as they really count the hours you work.

Work
- I've been busy, and it's been somewhat fun, somewhat stressful. The people I share a tiny office with (including my manager) are fun to be around. There are days when we constantly sing random songs all day, all three of us. We all refer to the same movies and the same SNL skits. It's radically different from my previous project. I'm definitely more stressed though, and challenged more everyday. I've been given more responsibility in that I'm actually the only person on my current project and loosely managed by Josh (current manager's name). I speak with people in London mostly....I've been drinking some sort of caffeine on a daily basis. It's weird to work so hard, in an environment like this. I find myself missing thinking about other things aside from finance products, processes, systems and calculations.

That's a quick overview I guess. I hope to write more later!

NEW!

My new project is definitely miles away (literally and figuratively) from my previous one. I've been doing some real work and real thinking. I'm starting to remember that I did go to business school and that I work in Finance. I'm sharing an office with my manager and a new grad (as we call Business Analysts who just graduated ^_^), and it is surprisingly good and bad in different ways.

Bad:

1. Manager would be able to clearly see everything I do. And there is no way for me to hide, even if I did want him to forget I exist for a little while and not give me work. I have no excuse but to turn around and ask him what I should be doing.

2. Despite a shorter commute (by like 10 minutes..but whatever), I'm required to come in at 8:30am, which is normal in New York finance world. It's cool and all, but the transition is still a little jarring.

3. I'm doing real work and thus am actually feeling really vulnerable and wanting more feedback, because I know I'm displaying my abilities and skills to a Partner (as in he started the company!) and a Managing Director. I can't really tell if I'm disappointing or not, quite yet. I'm actually starting to feel that feeling I used to get in the morning before an exam or something. Not actually fear, maybe more like adrenaline/uneasiness at the things that are not known.

4. The new grad is always asking me what I'm doing, because she also wants to learn from me. It's a bit annoying though, as sometimes I just want to screw around on the Internetz.

5. I don't feel comfortable nesting there the way I did at the previous bank. I haven't brought on the pictures yet.

GOOD!:

1. My manager and the new grad are really funny, and I have surprisingly felt at ease with them most of the time. My manager is A LOT like Jim from "The Office", NO JOKE! It's weird, but I don't notice this until I stop talking to him about the project. The new grad is very talkative and quite a go-getter kind of person. She makes me feel welcome.

2. It's a 50-minute commute to an area that is accessible to a lot of other neighborhoods in the city. I have grown to really appreciate this after Jersey City!!

3. I'm doing real work and thinking really hard about things I should be thinking hard about (not centerpieces, puppies, etc.). This makes me feel like a normal working professional. I also never felt so much like a consultant than in this environment.

4. I no longer feel awkward working with solely middle-aged, cynical, self-deprecating, old school, Finance men with whom I never really knew how to have a normal conversation with (except Joel, who I miss dearly <_>).

This project goes on for at least another month, and then we don't know what comes next. I could be onto another project again. Anyway, if you don't hear from me, you'll know why!

Cha-cha-cha-changes

There's this new management structure that's being implemented in my company, and I'm meeting with my new managers today. I'm kind of excited, kind of dreading. I think I just don't like feeling so vulnerable about work stuff when it has nothing to do with counseling ^_^. But I think it's gonna be great overall and nothing to really worry about. My managers are great guys who've I've talked to candidly about a great many things. If anything, I might be able to voice things that I haven't been able to before, or just don't know how to. It's what's great about having a younger, smaller company I guess. Maybe I feel lost out there without structure, but the informality of it all really helps me feel secure in my relationships with work people...well, at least the management. I always was the type to have friends older than me.

My project has ended, and it's my last week here at the client. I can hardly believe it. My first and only project. It's more normal to have 3-4 projects a year, and yet here I've been at the same desk. It's weird. I always knew I would eventually leave, but there's a weird sensation that's similar to when you quit or lose your job (though Thank the Lord Almighty, I have yet to experience the latter). I've been taking stuff home slowly, the high-heel shoes, the umbrella I found on the subway, the newspapers I saved from the election, inauguration, and when Lehman collapsed...And all these pictures of friends and family. I also put down some stickies with the Scripture that meant the most to me in one of the most major transitions of my life. The pack rat in me wants to keep it all, but I think I'll be throwing stuff away more than not. I really nested here too. Most consultants have such a bare desk, you could hardly guess that it's being used. I guess I'm just different like that.

A part of me is relieved to have an excuse to do nothing. As in, it is valid that I have nothing to do because I haven't been given an assignment yet. My hope is that I might not need to come into the offices at all and "work from home", even just for a little while. What a gift that becomes when you start working. Even when I do save up my days and have a long vacation, there's just something about not having to wake up at 6am on a weekday and to nap in the middle of the afternoon. I may not have been busy at my job, but it's not the same as staying home and not coming in at all or not staring at a screen all day.

I think that's what I really like about my job. I always know that I'm eventually gonna leave wherever I'm at, but enjoy the relative stability of being a salaried worker. Who knew being a consultant would be so appropriate for me.

Lala again, and Being a Loner

I cannot believe it is only Tuesday. I'm battling this headache that has seemed to persist throughout yesterday and today. It tends to ebb and flow though.

Apparently it is really easy to embed a song or even an entire playlist from Lala to Blogger. I'm mucho excited at the possibilities. For you RSS readers out there, come to the site to check it out on the side bar.

I just cannot make friends with the young people I work with. As I sometimes do, I walked out with Christine to the mall today, because she was buying her lunch there. I had brought and already eaten my lunch, so this was purely just to chat a bit. Then we sit at a table with other Business Analysts/Senior Business Analysts we know. I'm never exposed to this crowd anymore. I haven't gone to their frequently scheduled happy hours for several months now. Why? Well, because I don't think I've got anything to talk with them about. All they ever do is make fun of each other and tell stories about their bouts of public drunken tom-foolery. I've really got nothing to add to that. The women also forever talk about the random cute guys they meet at bars or other similar venues. I may know all about being needy and desperate, but I've never been around people who have gone so far as to embrace it as what defines who they are. I just thought most people would be ashamed of it. This annoys me to say the least, and I feel like I have nothing in common with any of them.

Sometimes I think I talk to Christine only because she's pilipina, a commonality strong enough for us to talk about random things. Also, maybe because she's been in a relationship so long, she doesn't go on and on and on about boys and relationships. She's also had more experience and may be more mature in terms of work and life in general.

It's just frustrating that I get along better with the 40-something Joel, talking about the rental market in January and interest rates, than with these people my age. At the very least, it makes me feel like a loner everytime I'm forced to hang out with any of them outside of work. I wish work would be more like The Office sometimes. Maybe that's why I don't like watching it.

I guess I'm just not that person who's character, relationships, community, worth, happiness come from work. And that's a good thing.

I wish it was Sunday

I know it's a Monday when I've got a headache looking at a screen all day. Imagine if I was doing actual work! I sincerely never realize where my day goes. Having this 9-hour block of time, unscheduled...it's confusing.

Rollin' with my homies

While talking to my boss today about possibly needing to turn in status reports tomorrow (because he'll be out), he mentions that some people may start to be rolled off the project, since we've got nothing to build at this point...It's so weird to think I'll actually might leave this cubicle in Jersey City, and might do some actual work in some other busy building, but be in a completely stable job (well...you know, as complete as you can be in this economy). How exciting! I know work isn't always going to be this huge fulfilling thing in my life and that it doesn't have to be, but it's nice to think about the prospect of change on the horizon. I'm really getting quite tired of awkwardly asking if there's anything to do and just getting the "nope, I'm good" answer. I just sit at my desk ruminating about the wedding without a buffer from the anxiety that brings. Anyway, I really like what comes with being a consultant. I see other young people who work for the client, and I marvel at the thought that the other job I was interviewing for was for their type of job. I think I just like knowing that where I'm at isn't the end until I get promoted or something. But my company gives me the much needed stability I need, so that I'm not like out on my own trying to market myself. I can't even imagine!! Somehow, I still like my firm and look forward to growing with it. I can see myself staying there for quite some time. Also, they're rolling out some new business cards that say "Consultant" on them, and I am TOTALLY psyched. God is so gracious, even in the little things (one might say, especially in the little things).

Wedding annoyance of the day: "December 21st...that's a Monday right?" Yes, silly vendor. So give me a cheaper price! What ELSE are you doing that day?

Fig Trees

For one reason or another, I hadn't been listening to my iPod while commuting. This past weekend I did that Autofill thing on my Shuffle to get some new songs in there. It had the most uncanny timing this morning.

After I read Spurgeon's morning meditation on the train. I put on the iPod and it was some really good David Crowder which I haven't listened to in awhile. And as I was getting out of my last train and surfacing to the ground, The Northern's "All The Greatest Things" came up, which was really surprising since I really haven't listened to them in months and months. Made crossing the street toward the skyscraper I work in suddenly very dramatic. I forgot this was in there but what struck me today was this line: "We are fruitless fig trees..." Dave puts it in there real quick, but it meant a lot to hear it today.

I've been really feeling useless and fruitless at work. It seems this is the ongoing struggle of this season in my life. My degree, my intelligence, my spiritual depth, my social skills, my insight, all of it is counted as loss, and all of the sudden no one cares what Xaris is doing all day. At school, people would at least judge you for not working hard, but now, they don't even care to know. It's this feeling of continually moving forward in wide steps and growing and changing and maturing and learning, while essentially being exactly where I was 9 months ago. Teehee like a baby! What if I'm never born? I feel so held back. Like I'm stuck in this womb and God won't let me out until His time. It's draining to do nothing with yourself, hoping you're not being foolish. Like you're not doing what you were meant to do. It's kind of like what Jesus says about the fig tree. If it's fruitless, it might as well be dead.

But the greatest truths I've known have been absurd. And as Jesus brings judgment on this tree, he takes the punishment on Himself. He violently tears Himself to pieces for the love of the fruitless. This infinite life-giving fruitful tree does this for me the death-deserving fruitless tree. My complaints are silenced at this thought. I can only be justified by this faith and trust that I am sanctified in this period of angst and waiting.

Things I do when I'm bored/restless at work

Sometimes reading can only do so much. Here are random things I've picked up on that I do when I'm bored here.

-My work phone is right by the mouse. I sometimes lift the receiver up and down just to feel like I'm doing something. I like to watch the screen change (we have those fancy Cisco phones).
-Talking about screen changes, I toggle (Alt+Tab) through all the windows that I have open.
-I go to the bathroom.
-I look through my emails, making sure there aren't any open items.
-I look at my various calendars and sync them.
-I open up complicated work applications I have access to, just for fun.
-I journal.
-I start singing in my head.
-My hands get cold frequently. So I sit on them to warm while swinging side to side in my cool office chair, staring into space.
-I chat with other Business Analysts through the internal messaging app.
-I look up ideal apartments/things on craigslist/ebay.
-I think of any appointments with doctors or optometrists or dentists or counselors I need to make....recently, I've used up all my options.
-I try to figure out something financially complicated, like whether I should consolidate my student loans.
-I write Ben or Summer a long email.
-I clean out my wallet.

Random Friday

Ben and I are gonna do the Voices of Redeemer choir this weekend. Singing for this is always fun! You get to sit on stage and hear the sermon from behind Tim Keller.

Whenever I stop and think about it, it's so weird to me how used to my life I am. I am sincerely a creature of habit, and once a habit is there, I pretty much run on autopilot. Like code being added to a program. I think that's why when someone suddenly wants to engage with me during the day, I kinda need to take a second and respond. I'm not a robot, but I sure act like one for most of my waking life.

John was warning Dave (who is currently seriously dating this girl) not to propose to her on Valentine's Day because the ring would constitute as a gift and if they ever fell through she has a legal right not to give it back. Also, John says there is a legal precedent of a ruling that said a proposal made and agreed on anything but a holiday or birthday is a legal contract which means if the contract is broken then the girl would have a legal obligation to give the ring back (John is a bit of a nerd, told you he was smart)...Needless to say, I'm never taking any advice of this kind from these men.


I've built up quite a history on Mint.com. And this is showing all the restaurants I've been to in the last 6 months....wow...I can't even read it. And these are only the one's I used a credit card, the cash transactions aren't represented.

Tim Keller has an AMAZING extra sermon he gave on work for the Center for Faith and Work Open House deal. I wasn't able to go because I was at the retreat, but because I knew an insider (aka Sonja) I was able to ask for a recording. It's on the front page of the Center for Faith and Work website FOR FREE! If you work, you wanna hear this.

Pilgrim's Pride

This is what makes cubicles at work fun sometimes:

Joel (randomly speaking from his desk): "Pilgrim's Pride filed for bankruptcy."

John: "What are they?...They're like a chicken farm right?"

Me (giggling): "Why would a chicken farm go under?"

John (laughing): "I don't know, man...Just between us chickens" (referring to an inside joke)

Me (still giggling): "I eat chicken ALL THE TIME!"

John: "Me too, I eat chicken frequently. Takes a lot to keep those chickens happy."

(more giggling) (pause)

John: "Well, what it is is chicken eat corn and corn prices shot up last year because everyone wanted it for ethanol."

Me and Joel: "Oh yeah, that's it."

I think it's funny how cubicles make it ok for me to be in any conversation I can overhear. Man, these people are smart.

Mentors

Here is what Dave just told me about a new project that might be starting up: "I want to see you do well and I think with you the potential is limitless...I'm trying to bring you into this project because I think you have a good attitude and I enjoy working with you."

Wow, that is waaaaay better than getting an A.

First of all, I totally thought of Wicked when he said "limitless" (Unlimited, Together we're unlimited...from "Defying Gravity"). Second of all, my mama had always told me about the importance of good mentors, from spiritual to the work environment. She lead by practice. She has had women friends who disciple her and that those she disciples. She also has stayed in contact with a major work mentor in her life. You could say her work mentor was probably responsible for bringing us to the States...that's pretty major. He wasn't a Christian and was a workaholic and I hated his bratty children (we did meet at one point). But this man brought much good to my family.

Considering this, I'm amazed at how much God has blessed me with mentors. Growing up, I didn't really have a sense that anyone older and/or wiser than me cared about my progress and my dreams. But in his own way, my older brother played mentor to me, even through the years when he was a brute to me. I think I have a natural inclination toward the idea of needing something like that.

So I'm impressed with someone like Dave, when upon meeting and working with someone like me, he naturally fills that role. Gives me pieces of advice, most of them unsolicited (which is a positive for shy little me). Offers affirmation freely and without hesitation. Let's me think things through when he's showing me something, asking me key questions just to check that I've been paying attention and understand the nuances. People who can do that kind of thing naturally are just amazing to me. It's one thing to see a need for it, it's another to fill that need.

I grow more and more certain that I am where I'm supposed to be. I know God has always been telling me this, I just didn't listen. Even now, I probably still hold traces of doubt.

Sigh of Relief and Joy

I just went through my year-end review with my boss-boss (as I refer to a senior manager who doesn't really directly manage me). Someone got promoted today...ME! Well, it's just a title change up to the next level Business Analyst II, nothing too major (business cards aren't changing, and just more assignments in the future), but I'm super glad that I've been meeting expectations at work even exceeding them at some points...since these have been murky at best. Apparently, I'm doing pretty well, and I love the people I work with. I kinda lucked out in terms of project assignments.

Allow me to write about this one guy. Joel is Jewish and has a wife and kids and lives in Brooklyn. He leaves early on Fridays so that he can get home by sunset. His wife probably calls him at minimum 5 times a day. I know because he has a normal ringtone on his cell phone and I can hear his wife yelling (or that's really just how she talks) in that Brooklyn accent even from over the cubicle wall. I can also hear when his children are on the phone, so really I think he just sets his volume too high. He answers his phone EVERY TIME, like for real EVERY TIME it rings. He could be on the phone with someone else or even talking to a client, or in someone else's office and he freaking answers that phone even just to say "I gotta call you back" and immediately hanging up. He rarely brings his phone to meetings, but if it's a meeting with just our immediate team, he accidently brings it sometimes and he ANSWERS it! Not to mention, this dude is really freaking smart. He sits right by me and I ask him questions over the wall all the time. Sometimes project related, sometimes just random. I've definitely asked him "When are you doing your taxes?", "Is my tax allowance too low?", "How do I open a Roth IRA?", "What's going on with the market?", "What's the difference between client side and firm side rebates?" and he's given me detailed answers and took the time to tell me everything, even freaking offered to look over my tax return. I've even asked him "Why are you coming in on Monday?" and he doesn't just shrug me off, he gives a full explanation like I'm a normal human being...a lot of people don't do this, or don't give me a feeling that it's safe for me to ask them questions. All of these questions are out of the blue and totally spontaneous, btw. Anyway, this man is definitely not perfect, but I'm a big fan.

Btw, I really think A.O. Scott is a genius. Look at this review on the new Biggie Smalls movie "Notorious" partly produced by P. Diddy and Biggie Smalls's mom. I just love it: "'We can’t change the world unless we change ourselves.' That line occurs twice in 'Notorious,' and it’s not entirely clear what is meant, other than that the characters aspire to be better as well as richer and more famous. At times the movie seems to lump all those things together, to imply that celebrity, money, clothes and boundless sexual opportunity are not just the rewards reaped by talent but also visible signs of righteousness." Man, who write like that about a rapper movie? I like him becuase he sincerely has no boundaries in terms of reviewing films. He'll review things as stupid as Superbad and as frou-frou as Benjamin Button. What I find interesting about reading reviews in the NY times is that I more often just enjoy the critique more than I would probably enjoy the movie. I think it inspires me to strive to see the beautiful nuance within the work, whether it was intended or not. Kinda like it's acknowledging a work of a sovereign Creator instead of the individual director or actor or whomever.

WORK!

Man, I've been working...it's so weird to think so critically about numbers and Microsoft Office Suite applications again. You gotta give props to Stern, because group projects felt exactly like this. Only now I don't have to worry about homework from other classes. This project is my only class of the day and it lasts for 9 hours. This is when nerdy quotes kind of come up like, "When all else fails...there's Auto Filter." Indeed.

Although, I do have to worry about accuracy...because if it's wrong I'm not to blame, my supervisor is.

Productivity

I can't believe I got completely done with all my Christmas shopping like super early. Well, it's probably because I'm online all day, and find deals all the time through Google Reader. Also, I've been thinking about what to give people for a few months. One of the many instances when I sit at my desk, look around, and suddenly find something to be productive with. I wish I could somehow freelance out my time, like if you needed some Access data entry done or you needed a spreadsheet made up, or you need me to design a resume, newsletter or a PowerPoint presentation (I've actually done that last one before and got paid around $100..I was 13 years old). I could probably be someone's personal shopper, I work right by the mall! I would totally do it for money. I could start a side business....but not quite sure how.

Sometimes I dream about getting a job at a pet store, like on nights and weekends or something. Sometimes I wish I could babysit for someone. It's not that I have a lot of free time, it's just that I have a lot of emotional, spiritual, and mental capacity and space to work with. Why not capitalize on that?

I do feel guilty sometimes that I should be reading more about trade settlements and regulatory reporting, but really who wants to do that? It's better to see that kind of thing in action at work anyway, that's how most people know what they're doing. That's one revelation I've gotten in the working world: No one (well, this refers to people not on project mode, but are just doing a day-to-day job) really knows the whole picture of what they're doing. Most people live on the vague ideas and as long as something works, it works. To a certain extent, everyone just has to have faith in the process. YES, faith!

Alright, I don't really have a point.

I am Scatter Brained

I think what's really weird about my life right now, is that I don't need a to do list. As in, I really don't need to write stuff down, because there ain't much, and I somehow remember things at the right moment...or really the challenge is creating things for me to do. But because everything is so scatter brained, it's feels so different. Like I'll think of doing one thing, and then interrupt myself and do something else sooooo easily and so frequently, EVEN when doing my budget. It kinda scares me because I remember being really good at concentrating and doing the same thing over and over again for hours...and liking it.

It's like it's not enough that my schedule and pace of life is dramatically different, the very things that structured my life before are actually gone so that I don't have this clear cut syllabus with the list of problem sets and group projects and when they're due, and what they're clearly about, and have some sense of progress and continuity. Everything's just more vague and kinda sorta. It's anarchy, and I'm amazed that I've even really settled down to it at all. And it's changing how I think, work, even play. I feel like I can't read for hours anymore.

Many posts in this blog have been a result of me opening the "New Post" page early in the day, and just working on it in bits and pieces, but continually shuffling through other things like Google reader, various email, or any other current project. I usually update the time stamp for whatever feels the most right, like I wrote the majority of this around 4:30.

It's like I get so distracted because it's not like I have this burden to carry the way school work could be, so I feel this freedom to just leave something and go do something else if it doesn't seem particularly fun at the moment. I'm really glad I told myself to write everyday, otherwise there are lots of days when I don't even want to think or write about anything.

Another weird thing that happens is that because there's nothing in particular to think about or do, my brain can just pick this one thing to think about and do...the WHOLE DAY. And I feel trapped in it. It can be as frivolous as looking for a certain kind of dress, or it could be as nasty as spiritual warfare.

The oddest thing is that I never quite remember what I did in a day much more what I thought about or who I talked to about what. After a day at work, I feel pretty dazed and unable to carry on a normal conversation. It's like I need a little time to reconfigure who I am since I've been someone else all day. Ugh.

What the hell is going on?

In all these months, I've really moved beyond the idea of, "What should I be doing right now?" I think this was one of the main motivators of my life. Even if it meant me rebelling against the thought and not doing anything, it was still a main driver. There are times now when I am blissfully unaware of what's going on (accent on the blissful), but there are also times like right now, when I realize my entire team may be at a meeting I'm supposed to be minuting. And why don't I just go? Well...short answer: it's complicated, seflish answer: I realized it 26 minutes in and I'm feeling a bit resentful that this happens more often because the people I work with don't care enough to come out and get me (which they of course do for the essential people). Signaling that the minutes that I do are not appreciated whatsoever, despite the fact it is the main deliverable I'm responsible for. It's also due to faulty Lotus Notes (this is probably the worst application for email, EVER...I want my Outlook back), and constant rescheduling of flaky middle-aged men, thus screwing up my calendar.

All this to say that there are times when I am at rest, but there are times when I am in a panic about the things I don't know. I used to really feel like I was connected to everything that was going on in the various spheres of my life - school, Navs, Lehman, family.

"So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known." -Matthew 10:26

I find now, more and more things are concealed and hidden. I absolutely don't know what's going on. Maybe this has to do with having larger spheres and being smaller in them. This passage is so satisfying to the open questions. There's a metaphor Jesus continues with: "Are not tow sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father" -v29. I found it so striking that no matter if my body gets sold into slavery, God is still sovereign over my body and my soul...and I will find out what the hell is going on, like fully without any confusion whatsoever, at some point in time, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in this lifetime, but Jesus promised that I will. Wow, that's amazing. Anything that has ever confused me or I am perplexed by, I will understand. From astro physics to that friendship that kinda got screwed up. And I'll be grateful that it is what it is.

Meetings

I don't know if it's been obvious, but the past few days I just haven't a clue what to write about. So I just grab something random in my head and write about it. Let's see, what will it be today?

How about meetings...Things can get kind of hairy at work. There's politics going on in any work environment, and it always makes things dicey. It's interesting though, because it almost always never shows up in clear view at a meeting, but my project being what it is, there's a bit more drama involved. So I think it shows up more often than in normal offices and in plain view, not like in whisperings and one-on-one conversations behind closed doors. Which is great for me, because meetings are when I turn on, and when I get to do something, and when I can say I am doing something. Don't get me wrong, the real issues are still rather muted. I hate it when all the drama is played out in emails that I'm not a part of or conversations I could never have with any of the clients. I feel like I never really know what's going on until the meeting (which is too late and that's all the advantage I got at this job really).

Anyway, I think my point is real world meetings are different and more showy. You never get anything actually done in a meeting, just a lot of questions and posturing. But in college world, meetings were hairy as it was. Issues were fleshed out and argued over. Real decisions were made (not left open ended to be decided quietly) sometimes rather dramatically.