What the hell is going on?

In all these months, I've really moved beyond the idea of, "What should I be doing right now?" I think this was one of the main motivators of my life. Even if it meant me rebelling against the thought and not doing anything, it was still a main driver. There are times now when I am blissfully unaware of what's going on (accent on the blissful), but there are also times like right now, when I realize my entire team may be at a meeting I'm supposed to be minuting. And why don't I just go? Well...short answer: it's complicated, seflish answer: I realized it 26 minutes in and I'm feeling a bit resentful that this happens more often because the people I work with don't care enough to come out and get me (which they of course do for the essential people). Signaling that the minutes that I do are not appreciated whatsoever, despite the fact it is the main deliverable I'm responsible for. It's also due to faulty Lotus Notes (this is probably the worst application for email, EVER...I want my Outlook back), and constant rescheduling of flaky middle-aged men, thus screwing up my calendar.

All this to say that there are times when I am at rest, but there are times when I am in a panic about the things I don't know. I used to really feel like I was connected to everything that was going on in the various spheres of my life - school, Navs, Lehman, family.

"So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known." -Matthew 10:26

I find now, more and more things are concealed and hidden. I absolutely don't know what's going on. Maybe this has to do with having larger spheres and being smaller in them. This passage is so satisfying to the open questions. There's a metaphor Jesus continues with: "Are not tow sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father" -v29. I found it so striking that no matter if my body gets sold into slavery, God is still sovereign over my body and my soul...and I will find out what the hell is going on, like fully without any confusion whatsoever, at some point in time, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in this lifetime, but Jesus promised that I will. Wow, that's amazing. Anything that has ever confused me or I am perplexed by, I will understand. From astro physics to that friendship that kinda got screwed up. And I'll be grateful that it is what it is.