There are times when I can't stand waiting, like when it's been an hour and the doctor still hasn't seen me yet, while I've been sitting there on the examination table with no pants on. There are times when I don't mind waiting, like as I wait to see if I'm getting my period next week. Knowing the science behind my uterus, I'd rather the egg really make sure it's going to be in a good spot, and in my mind, time is helpful for that. Well, it doesn't prevent me from starting to take the pregnancy tests though, hoping to see some glimmer of a positive.
I'm led to think about this song. The very first time I heard this song was from an unemployed African American lady who was living in a AIDS/HIV hospice. I was going to a CG run by David and Susan Plant at the time, back when they lived in the Village. And that group would run a worship service at the Bailey House once a month on a Sunday. To be honest this lady didn't sound very good, but I knew so much of what she was singing was coming from a real place of anguish and yet hope. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced, was hearing her sing that song. "I just can't give up now, come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me, the road would be easy, but I don't believe He's brought me this far just to leave me." Such faith, I thought. It's such an active type of waiting.
I think the weird thing about waiting to have a baby in the last 10 months, is how separated this is from what I need to seem like when at work. As I wait to have a baby, I am waiting to have a drastic shift in my life, waiting to stay at home with a living creature with all these needs. But at work, I need to seem like I'm not waiting for anything, I need to seem like I'm still working for that promotion, working to improve my skills. And to be fair, it's not like I'm not working for that. It's not like I can half ass work. Honestly, the work itself may be frustrating, but the people I work with are really great. And I'm doing well, if I can take the managerial feedback to heart. I've already gotten a small raise, I haven't even been there a year. Ugh, they're crazy. I get lucky in Corporate America yet again.
Meanwhile I have to go to all these doctor's appointments. My work starts at 7:30am. All my appointments are also at that time, and I usually am not done with it all until 9am to 10am. Designed for those working at 9am I guess (What is that like?! I have never had a job where I started at 9am.). Thankfully, my work instated last May a work from home once a week policy. And then all of a sudden in August, the building we were in was deemed not seismically safe, and everyone either can now work from home or move to an office in Simi Valley (1 hour away from me). It cannot be weirder how this is happening right now. I mean, this sounds made up. If I get pregnant, I'll have NO issues hiding morning sickness and whatnot until I was ready to tell my manager. And the more I can delay that, the more I can delay conversations about what will happen when I'm on "maternity leave".
I seeked out a mentor at work, more as a to-do because my manager told me to, versus actually wanting one, since it didn't make sense to me to get one if I wasn't really wanting to change jobs. So I found a mentor in a pregnant lady who's a Director level, and who is currently on maternity leave. I told her my plans and what I was going through. And I was slightly embarrassed, because I didn't want to sound disappointing for leaning-back(?) as they say. She is one of the smartest ladies at work, which is something to say in a workplace where I've found the talent lacking, with an MBA from Wharton and everything. I couldn't help being awkward when I told her. She wasn't mean or anything, but I could kind of sense the "Oh." feeling I was getting from her. It was a reminder that the judgment from corners that don't really have a say in my life will be coming, so in a way I am relishing this time when the world does not need to know.
Then again, I hope this waiting for baby does not have to happen for long!
