Better Loser than a Winner

I've been a little sick, and for the first time in a long time, I can afford to stay home, because I have enough days to take that time off. Mainly because I've been working like a mad woman on this project. Worstly, the weekends I worked are apparently not even going to be reimbursed in any tangible way...but that's another subject entirely.

I watched Bridesmaids this weekend with one of my bestest friends and bridesmaids :). By the way it was as good as all the hype suggests. It was insanely hilarious. It's honestly a bad title though, since it was less about wedding madness and more about women friendships and all the insecurities and affirmations that go along with that. It kinda really affirms how without our friendships, especially the female ones, we easily become emotionally and spiritually dead. It's important within God's plan of community formation to have friendships that go deep.

Anyway, what weirded me out a little bit, was how much I kinda wish I was going through a crisis like the main character, Annie, does. I wish I was in a position that someone has to really slap me around to get my act together. In a lot of ways, I find myself to be a better loser than a winner.

I can honestly say I had no real friends until college. I'm not saying I was friendless, but my friends before then were friends out of survival. We had the same classes/interests/test scores, so I stuck around with them on social occasions so I could be as "normal" as possible. But it's not like I felt like anyone would want to hang out with me or me with them after school. This reverberates through to my life today, as I still get acute social anxiety when I'm going to a party or even just hanging out with some people. Even though it's painful to work through the fear (it's so silly fear of what? not being liked!), I'm more comfortable in this uphill battle.

Never would I have ever imagined that I'd be in a city like New York. I've lived here non-stop (except for week-2 week vacations) for almost 7 years now. On top of that, I would never have imagined that I would be so stable. I've stayed employed through one of the worst financial crises in history. I bitch and moan about my job, but man it's stable. Not only is it stable, but I'm thriving in it. I've been promoted twice, I get a good bonus, I have six months saved up. I support my husband. Even with all the politics I have to deal with, in general everyone at work likes me. Redeemer feels like my home church, and I've been there long enough to plant some roots and recognize the people around me, from babies to the more senior and the majority that is in between. I meet up with friends and they want to meet with me too. My husband is loving, kind, and cares about my character. If you told me this would happen, even just 4 years ago, I would find it very hard to believe. This is what I would've termed as being a winner.

Tim Keller had a sermon my freshman year about the two great tests of life. One test is when things are going really shitty, and one test is when everything is going really well for you. I remember him saying that the latter is the more dangerous one, since it leaves you less needy. Less needy means less room for Christ. On top of that, the Gospel teaches me that I'm both a loser saved by grace, and a winner wearing the righteousness of Christ.

Just like any sinner, I have my preferences on which side of the Gospel I want to emphasize in my life. Being a loser is clearer to me. I know better how to analyze my life and find the specific sins, and work through in counseling the solutions. I play the victim very well, and also the savior very well. Then I realize I'm saving myself, and then EVENTUALLY, find that the Lord has bound me up like a sheep and saved me despite myself. This is comfortable, this is normal based on the previous 2 decades of my life. Depression, anxiety, and trials are a gift from God.

But what about the place where things are going well. I feel I am in muddier waters. What is it like to live life in perpetual dependence on God, when the life of winning lulls you into thinking this is through the work you've done. Worst of all, it tempts you to think you're better than other people who can't seem to get it together.

Reading through the Bible is scary, when you're in a place where you are the opposite of the poor, orphaned, and the foreigner. It's like being the rich young man who comes to Christ and asks how to get into the Kingdom of God. Jesus turns to him and tells him to follow all the commandments. The young guy says, of course I do that! Then Jesus tells him to give away all his riches, and to follow Him. Then the young guy turns away utterly dejected. Whenever I read passages like this, I feel like Jesus is talking right at me, and I feel rather dejected. It's like he tells me, what are you doing to empower the disempowered, lift up the oppressed, and pour out your wealth to those who have none? This isn't just about tithing anymore (which is this box we all check anyway), it's about what am I doing with my life to glorify God? This judgment is very real, and I clamor my way to the cross to repent and be still to receive the grace which is mine too.

Being blessed with all these good things in life in recent years yields more questions for me. Am I a better steward of His riches, or have I already received my reward on earth? These rewards include not just money, but other less thought of caches like power, time, friendship. I had a crisis recently about how hard it is to be a good friend. It was easier to be real when I was a loser, but it's less easy to be real when you have much more to lose. No wonder people fondly dream of the college years, when there was definitely less to lose.

Anyway, this is complicated. And Tim Keller (AGAIN, I know..) gave this illustration in yesterday's sermon about wisdom. God made this world good, and with a created order, on top of that we are fallen and everything is ruined, but on top of that we are redeemed and God is working RIGHT NOW in this fallen world. To be wise, you not only need to know that there are things you definitely should do (order and laws in the world), and that sometimes things are worst than ever (fallen world), but all of that is part of God's plan and He ultimately works good through it (redemption). They need to exist together, because life is complex, and to think otherwise means you are a fool.

I guess I'll end this on a high note..sort of :). I'm a sucker for hymns keyed in minor. I don't know what it is, but it's the complexity of the soaring words of the hymn plus the melancholy minor makes it more real to me. Favorite verse is the following:

Come, ye weary heavy laden, lost and ruined by the fall. If you tarry till you're better, you will never come at all. I will arise and go to Jesus, He will embrace me in His arms. In the arms of my dear Savior, oh, there are ten thousand charms.

We are all winners and losers that need Jesus. When you feel like a winner, be assured that you are a loser, and when you feel like a loser, be encouraged that you are a winner.

Age of Not Believing

Speaking of dreams, this Disney song always seems relevant in life. Unlike what the movie seems to suggest, I think I'm always at an age of not believing. Just like most Disney songs, it's filled with half-truths, but I enjoy its sentiment.



I so enjoy how short and simple it really is.

It's weird to think about how different life is now from two years ago. I feel like there's never enough time to think, never enough time to just sit here and not do anything. I live far from an idle life, yet it seems like I do. I just really don't know what happens with my day, and it's disconcerting to feel that way, when I don't feel like I'm doing anything worthwhile. And it's not like anything is complicated, it's in fact a lot simpler now. It's such a weird funk.

Prayer

Ben and I recently started this Redeemer class called on the "Psalms of David" which is taught by Marty Young, a ridic teacher. I've never had access to someone who could give a satisfying answer to a gamut of hard questions about the Bible. I've taken a few of his classes before on "Becoming Wise" which is about wisdom literature in the Bible and the "Resurrection" which changed the way I thought about the Resurrection. Mainly, I've come to really appreciate his classes because of both the structure and chaos it brings. Structure because there is at least a certain area we can talk about, but chaos in how surprising it is, and how it makes me think, WOW, I don't really know God or the Word at all do I?! Sometimes you really need that jolt of reality that really communicates the raw offensiveness of the Word of God for sinners like us. If it stops being offensive, I've made a false god that molds to my thoughts and wants instead of the real God who challenges my idols and molds me to His image (WHOA!).

Anyhoo, so Marty talked about how Biblical prayer is not praying for things or means to things, it's all about praying for the will of God. When we pray for something, what exactly are we praying for? What is the object of my prayer? Is the object of my prayer God? To be quite honest, I RARELY pray because of God. Most of the time, I'm praying because I feel bad and I want to feel good again. It was so convicting seeing how rampant this was in my life. For example, I may be praying for work or wisdom at my job, but why? For His glory? NO usually it's for my own glory, so that I get a promotion and a bonus down the road, so that I can feel like I'm doing something. Even asking for absolutely good things like an apartment for Ben and I, or good weather on our wedding day is not Biblical if the reason behind it is for my own comfort, joy, peace, etc. Which absolutely makes sense if you sat down and thought about it, but I am so blind to the dealings of my heart. Do I really love God for God, which is the love God asks for, or do I love Him because of the stuff I get out of Him? Do I love God because He is good, or is it because He's good to me?

Loving God because He's good to me is not a bad thing of course, it just shouldn't be the only reason why. How weird would it be to say that I love Ben because of all the things he does for me, but never really pay attention to who he is and what he likes and loves?

Now, Marty said something regarding these un-Biblical prayers, that I don't know what to think about quite yet. He said that they are all unheard, not just unanswered, but unheard. His reasoning was that because God is so holy, he doesn't let things that are not holy into his presence. However, I think about how the Holy Spirit is our intercessor, and our prayers are heard through faith in Christ Jesus who is most righteous and holy. I wish he had given some more backing to this, but then, no one really pushed him on this issue (probably because everyone was feeling the conviction of what he just said about 90% of the prayers out there), and I hope it comes up again.

To further this point though, I think the main thing is just recognizing that even our very prayers are inadequate and are like dirty rags before the Father. But because the Son has died and rose again on our behalf, His righteousness is upon us and we must rely on Him for all things. We need to pray for His will to be done, not ours.

Calling and Wedding Tidbits

So apparently, Mike Mason added an extra chapter to "The Mystery of Marriage" when he was 10 years into marriage. The original book was from his musings during engagement and it became a book the year after. How does someone know so much about marriage being so new to it? I really wouldn't know.

This is from a parable he quotes in the new chapter:

"Looking back, I can see that before then, in spite of having a lover and all, really I was still behaving pretty much like my own person: single, autonomous, marching to a private drum. And expecting Christopher just to tag along! It was almost as though I were the only person on earth, lost in my own little dream world. But ever since that mysterious transaction at the altar, like it or not I've found myself living not my own life but Christopher's: doing Christopher's work, thinking Christopher's thoughts, getting used to Christopher's body as being my own body, and trying, however clumsily, to do all things just the way Christopher wants them done. And since there is legally only one living person now in place of two, I even took his full name, first and last, as my own: Christopher Rainbow."

It's interesting how much it pinpoints how people are prone to use one another. We are prone to like what we like, and just like the people who like that same thing. In fact, according to C.S. Lewis, that is the definition of friendship.

I'm not gonna lie, the call of being a wife is kind of scary. To live as if I'm not living my own selfish life, a life I've been used to living until now. Because when you start using your husband for your own agenda and desires, then it is to your downfall, because you are ONE. Whatever you do to him, you do to yourself.

Wedding Planning status (in case you wanna know):
-Guest List is pretty much finalized. Woot!!!

-We've figured out our Save-the-Dates with the wonderful, fabulous, and brave Kyo (this woman is doing 3 weddings, in one of which she's a maid of honor!, oh brave, brave soul). I'm so extremely happy with how it turned out. And I'm so extremely happy that I can look at other people's with full on glee, without feeling like I'm supposed to look at it and see what I like about it. I just really like these kinds of things, as previously mentioned.

-We have begun the registering process, complete with registering needs checklist. I always enjoy shopping with Benny, so it should be a fun experience.

-Contemplating a DIY centerpiece involving candles on a dish with wedding flowers strewn on. Should be $100-$200 cheaper. AND the bridesmaids would have actual bouqets (though small ones...and also DIY, including mine...which I'm not sure we know how to do yet with orchids). Hmm...

-I keep seeing other wedding dresses and get a tinge of fear and doubt that I chose the wrong one....which is pretty ridiculous, because it's absolutely beautiful and in my price range, but it's the tension that comes with making a decision early, and the fact that I can't look at it. I keep telling myself, "You wear it for one day, you wear it for one day." I must amuse myself with thinking of options for a coat or something to keep warm!

-Blue Nile and Amazon have pretty affordable wedding rings, but I wonder if it's safe to buy online...But I know the whole reason why they're cheaper is they pay way less overhead...I usually wouldn't be so apprehensive, but jewelry is just something I don't know much about.

Wedding, wedding, wedding

Somebody suggested (perhaps Dan T) that I get new business cards saying "Bride / Wedding Planner". It does have a ring to it.

I ordered my wedding dress last Saturday and am very happy that that's over with. I had a rather specific idea in mind, and I was really worried that I wouldn't find it. I'm excited for the fittings that will slowly make this dress mine.

I've been looking at assorted wedding things today. I've been giving some serious thought on centerpieces.

This one is from the Knot. I like how these are both things I can get from Ikea: river rocks, rectangular vase. Check!

But I think I still really love this look (that I got from Blooms By the Box ), seeing the flowers through the glass. I guess it depends on how clear the glass is and pricing for the florist. I don't know if I want to use Blooms By the Box just because I don't wanna stress out about ordering something so close to the wedding. The caterer has some tea lights we could use too.

So I've learned a couple things so far while planning this thing. I was never the type of person to have her wedding all planned out already and all you need is the groom (oddly enough from someone like me, but it's true). So it's interesting what pops up. There are certain things I really don't care about. Somethings that I'm even surprised at how much it's just not important to me. Like the bridesmaids dresses aren't important to me (hey, they're all pretty hot, I'm not really worried about them looking absolutely beautiful). Ceremony decorations, my bouqet, bridesmaids' bouqet, food, alcohol. What are important to me are sentimental, meaningful, and unique musical choices and beauty. Beauty is a big one. I think the colors are really important and the design of the save-the-dates to the floral arrangements should somehow tie in together.

This makes it really hard to look through all the ideas out there. At least with my dress, I had an idea, but because I'm kind of open to other designs, it's a bit of a crapshoot. Also, you start feeling like having a beautiful wedding is impossible, because you can never do all these things they're suggesting. It's absolutely not true, but it's the lie I must contend with. I think it's very similar to reading Seventeen magazine and feeling really ugly and/or abnormal. I never did read those much.

There's a lot to stand up to the world to and say "NO!". Everyone has an opinion about weddings and marriage, and it's interesting the people that just freely give me advice, even when I didn't ask for it. Some of it is good of course, but it's annoyingly bad mostly, especially when they don't know me or me in a relationship with Ben that well. I think what's weird about it is that they left me alone about every other important decision I've made thus far, and all of the sudden they've got something to say about what date my Wedding should be. I'm realizing that I'm just not used to that. My parents were very hands off with me (as they continue to be now, except of course are more than ready to serve and help) and I'm just not used to people telling me something I've decided is wrong, especially when it was my decision to make. Deal with it! I don't care if you can come or not.

Obviously, I'm a little angry and stressed about it. Point is, all the random opinions from people who have no idea who I am is not helpful.

Transition Remix

I realized that I may need to start forcing myself to write again. Work has just gotten slower and slower and I'm unable to find an anchor. PLUS, I realized (and this may make me sound stupid by how obvious it is) that I'm undergoing yet another huge transition cleaving more and more to Benjamin. AND, it's May again.

Last year, I was really stressed out about my family coming to New York and meeting Ben for the first time, getting all this attention, attention, attention from a large family, and generally getting ready for graduation itself to be a let down...and it was. It was not fun for me and seemed not really the way I would've wished to finish off 4 of the most important years of my life. I felt rather alone, lost and off-kilter.

Engagement is obviously something I joyously looked forward to and hoped for and differently so than Graduation. Though, I don't think I thought about Engagement as much as Graduation in terms of what this would actually look like, feel like, seem like. Confusion and being lost comes with every transition in varying degrees. I am so confused that I think I have to remind myself that it's completely normal to be confused. It's completely normal to be so happy yet anxious at the same time. That this is a GI-normous deal and whether I know it or not, I am dealing with a lot. I am in need of so much grace. I've been getting really good at making myself feel guilty these last couple months, but the penalty for my sin has already been fulfilled, and I must surrender.

Like always, I need to figure out how I'm not relying on Jesus. That's just a lot harder when I'm finding new footing in general.

Processing (...and this is just one passage)

"Truth loves the light and is most beautiful when most naked."

The problem with truth is no one really has it. So everyone, as in every human being, runs around thinking they've got the "Truth" when really they've just got a little truth. Totally changing the quote in my header line to this, because I feel like a new season is upon me (haha who knows if it's true?). Besides, I like the idea of nakedness. Fun part of not being in school is the freedom to determine a season of life separate from semesters, quarters, breaks, and when things are due.

Blogging is difficult when you're going through a lot of stuff. I've been struggling with defining what would be helpful to process here. I find myself sincerely disinterested in writing a post and rushing one at the end of the day or not at all. Also, it's hard to fight that feeling of performance on here, considering apparently I have a larger audience than I thought. Remarkably however, though there is a lot to process, it hasn't been burdensome, and I remain grateful instead of angry. So great is the Lord's grace that has carried me through a lot to get to a point where I can be happy and joyful, even with the hard things in life. So great is His love and affection toward me...ME!

Hmmm...so let me discuss the following long ass quote from John Owen:
"Hatred of sin as sin, not only as galling or disquieting, a sense of the love of Christ in the cross, lie at the bottom of all true spiritual mortification. Now, it is certain that that which I speak of proceeds from self-love. Thou settest thyself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such a lust or sin; what is the reason of it? It disquiets thee, it hath taken away thy peace, it fills thy heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear; thou hast no rest because of it. Yea; but, friend, thou hast neglected prayer or reading; thou hast been vain and loose in thy conversation in other things, that have not been of the same nature with that lust wherewith thou art perplexed. These are no less sins and evils than those under which thou groanest. Jesus Christ bled for them also. Why dost thou not set thyself against them also? If thou hatest sin as sin, every evil way, thou wouldst be no less watchful against every thing that grieves and disquiets thine own soul. It is evident that thou contendest against sin merely because of thy own trouble by it. Would thy conscience be quiet under it, thou wouldst let it alone. Did it not disquiet thee, it should not be disquieted by thee. Now, canst thou think that God will set in with such hypocritical endeavours, -- that ever his Spirit will bear witness to the treachery and falsehood of thy spirit? Dost thou think he will ease thee of that which perplexeth thee, that thou mayst be at liberty to that which no less grieves him? No. Says God, "Here is one, if he could be rid of this lust I should never hear of him more; let him wrestle with this, or he is lost." Let not any man think to do his own work that will not do God's. God's work consists in universal obedience; to be freed of the present perplexity is their own only. Hence is that of the apostle, 2 Cor. 7:1, "Cleanse yourselves from all pollution of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God." If we will do any thing, we must do all things. So, then, it is not only an intense opposition to this or that peculiar lust, but a universal humble frame and temper of heart, with watchfulness over every evil and for the performance of every duty, that is accepted."


I used to think "Elder Son" was more of a danger for mature Christians like the Rick Warrens and Tim Kellers of this world. People who are not just part of a ministry but help found ministries and general do good throughout society. But I realized that isn't true at all. Jesus said that if you have hatred in your heart for another person, you have murdered them and that if you lust after someone who is not your spouse, then you have committed adultery. Why can't it be applied that if you even think that going to small group regularly, hanging out with Christian friends all the time, etc. can save you, then you are in fact being an "Elder Son", spitting on the Cross and mocking the blood of Christ.

If you haven't noticed I've been reading a lot about and by the Puritans. And it's making me think a lot about how I operate theologically, which of course influences my ideas about ministry and evangelism. Specifically, this passage makes me re-think my own experience processing the greatness of my sin (...that sounds like I'm implying I'm done, but we all know I'm absolutely not). I came into Navs with all my addictions, neediness and shame. When the true power of the Gospel was shown to me at the Penn State retreat of my freshman year, I confessed to God and those around me. I set myself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such lust and sin. And I hated sin as "galling or disquieting" and it filled my heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear. But I didn't hate sin for sin, I hated sin because I realized it was bad and out of a spirit of self-love, not because I thought God was good and that I loved Him. Because of this, I came back to sinning over and over again. And I was usually very surprised when the more obvious sins of my life came back. Like I thought I was over it. I went on like that for a few years because God said, "let [her] wrestle with this, or [s]he is lost".


Then, all of a sudden, I fell in love with God for who He is and what He had done, not because I wanted His peace and wanted to be seen as "good" and mature or I wanted to be well-liked by my Christian friends. It is truly the work of the Spirit and no one else. I can't pinpoint when the exact moment or season this happened, but it probably had something to do with counseling and starting to wrestle with God and just God, not my parents, not my friends, not even my idols. You can't trust anyone you don't know, and I was starting to know and trust God. God had called me to Himself.


I really like the point the passage makes about how much this twisted kind of mortification of sin is self-love and noticable with the neglect of every other thing in life that still have everything to do with our sinfulness. If I'm really working on not looking at porn anymore (and succeeding), but then don't daily read the Bible, don't pray unceasingily, don't go to church, drink to the point of incoherance or even just spending money freely without gratefulness to the God who gave it to me thinking I earned it, then what use is the one victory? What kind of heart could I have obeying God one way but blatantly and obstinately disobeying God every other way? What sucks is outwardly, I think I'm doing it right or at least I'm not that bad, that I'm being a Christian, but really I've just diverted my energies from an obvious sin to a more sinister and insidious and dangerous kind. Sin that can go on for the rest of my life un-challenged and all the while corrupting every part of me to the point that I won't be myself anymore. I'll be some other demented kind of person with no true self, for my true self is only in Christ.

By the true, powerful and redemptive grace of the Spirit, I'm in a better place, which is always good. But I would be a fool if I didn't look back and see how wrong I was all the times I thought I was alright and assume that I'm done. In fact, what's great about Owen is how he emphasizes that the mortification of sin is a lifelong, daily practice. It's a constant putting to death, with the understanding that indwelling sin will never be dead in this world. I am always capable of taking my temptations to the extreme, lustful thoughts to sex outside of marriage, bitterness to hate to murder. It is a constant, perpetual going to Jesus and letting the Spirit do its work. The paradox is the key and understanding it will take a lifetime. Nevertheless, the mortification of sin is work for believers (who have had a real encounter with Christ and a real surrender of their lives) to do, not people who don't hate sin for sin but in fact love it and relish in temptation and use the Gospel for their own ends of relief and self-justification.

I cannot believe how much I'm learning from Mortification of Sin. Everything that John Owen says may seem familiar, but no one, NO ONE, ever says it like this anymore. And it's not just the old English ^_^. It's weird to realize that I'm reading this now because I'm ready to read it and not at any other time was I ready for such truth to pierce my heart. (And I credit Ben for turning me on to it). I'm not done with the book yet, and I could write on and on for so many other passages. This is probably one of the most important books I've read in my life. Read it if you feel lead to.

Emo-ish Music

For several reasons, I guess certain areas of growth (and non-growth..womp,womp) have been coming to mind more frequently. The last few months I've been thinking about anxiety as a sin. Connected to that, despairing and fear as sin. Sin here being defined as walking away from God, since at any given moment, you are either walking towards or away from Him. Everyone floats somewhere, as Paige Brown said. All these thoughts and feelings of anxiety and despiar are expressed from a loss of belief in God's sovereignty and goodness. Of course it's a given that everyone feels these things, and living in denial of fear is even worse than actually acknowledging it, but I always try to go by the quote at the top of this blog and try to describe and define instead of just praise and dispraise. Anyway, moving on.

I've been anxious all my life and quite prone to despair. It lead to complex behavioral ways of coping, addiction being a main ingredient. But as I continually smack into the reality of God, the truth of His love and salvation has molded me into something a bit more like what I should be.

Music has played a major role in my understanding of this process. Being the deep feeler that I am, I like to listen to emotionally charged music.

Like Nicole Nordeman - "Anyway" :

"Every layer of mine hides a lovely design, it might take a little patience, it might take a little time, but you called me BEAUTIFUL, when you saw my shame. And you placed me on the wall, anyway."

I thought a lot about surrender my Freshman year, since it was clearly what I had to do. And I was finding the joy and healing in the pain of being utterly gross, but not held responsible for it.

Mute Math "Control":

"There's no better loss than to lose myself in you."
"Take control of the atmosphere, there is no reason I should breathe, unless you're in the air."

Then I started to realize that there's more to it than what it means for me. The beauty of justification and sanctification is it's more than just making me better, it's making me better for human flourishing for the Glory of God. But what does a loss of control really mean then if it's not just skydiving into an oblivion, but becoming Christ-like and engaging in the world? You can lose control in a lot of ways, and all equally destructive, but there's only one way that leads to life.

Everyone knows the ubiquitous Spiderman 2 theme song from Dashboard Confessional - "Vindicated"

"Slip away against the current."



Much like the Spiderman movie, true salvation is more than self-redemption but world redemption. Everything is not just going to be right with you, but also with this world that God has created; and we as the Church have something to do with that Kingdom work.



It's amazing how I listened to these songs so much a few years ago, to comfort my despairing heart. But it's getting easier to see the truth that I shouldn't even be worried at all. That there are so many reasons in Christ to be hopeful always.

Here's a quote from Brothers Karamazov. The "elder" is speaking to this woman filled with guilt and fear: "Don't be afraid of anything, ever. And do not grieve. As long as your repentance does not weaken, God will forgive everything. There is not - there cannot be - a sin on earth that God will not forgive the truly repentant. Why, a man cannot a sin so great as to exhaust the infinite love of God. How could there be a sin that would surpass the love of God? Think only of repentance, all the time, and drive away all fear. Have faith that God loves you, sinful as you are and, indeed, because of your sin. It was said long ago that there is more joy in heaven over one repentant sinner than over ten righteous men. Go now, and fear nothing. Do not be offended if people treat you badly. Do not hold it against them. And forgive your departed husband all the harm he did you. Become truly reconciled with him. For if you repent, you love, and if you love, you are with God. Love redeems and saves everything...Love is such an infinite treasure it can buy the whole world and can redeem not only your sins, but the sins of all people. So go and fear no more." FEAR NO MORE!

I've mentioned how much I love Brett Dennen - "Darlin' Do Not Fear"

"The confidence is full as your faith etched in stone
and neither could comfort you from the wild unknown
So bury your burning hatred like a hatchet in the snow
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know.
If you have a broken heart or a battered soul
Find something to hold on to or to let go
to help you through the hard nights like a flask filled with hope
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
'cause it won't last - your worries will pass" --> Damn, this whole song is quotable.

"I fear no evil, for you are with me. Strong to deliver, mighty to save." - Got this from a song too, but it's in the Psalms right?

Yet again, I think reading this post can make peopel think it's a hodge-podge. But really it's all about finding happiness, hope, love, and peace in the abounding grace of God. At the Redeemer interview I was reminded over and over about my name and what it means. And how it's what I should be giving to other people, Xaris (grace, that which gives joy), me becoming my true self in Jesus.

It would be overwhelming, if not for xaris being given to me. I've always wanted to do a post like this with a sprinkling of songs that have changed my life, and have grown me and shown me the truth in the Gospel. And it's always good to not hide from where you've been and to see the power and glory of God already shown in you.

"You've come far and though you're far from the end, you don't mind where you are 'cause you know where you've been." - Carbon Leaf - "Let Your Troubles Roll By"

Busy Weekend In Brief

So my throat is recovering from yesterday's game. I'm proud of the Cardinals. They played a good game despite all the low expectations. I can't imagine them making it to the Super Bowl again, so it was good to cherish it while it lasted.

So quite a few thoughts from the weekend. I'm gonna try to parse it out.

1) I cannot believe how many people have done that random 25 things list. I feel pretty spiffy being an early adopter. And that's all thanks to my teenage cousins that keep me in with the times.

2) Redeemer Membership Interview = intense + affirming + convicting The deaconess and elder pairing (that happened to be a married couple) that interviewed me were pretty awesome. They made me re-think certain things about my story that I never even thought about or re-considered (a lot of things in life need re-considering I realize, none of it is set, at least if you realize that you're not always right). Also, while looking through my application, I realized that nowhere else was my entire testimony written out like that. The couple remarked how I shouldn't under estimate what God has done with my life and what I can do with it for His glory. I gotta say, I am so like the Israelites forgetting not just God's goodness, but how good He has been. Praise Jesus and may he be glorified in my life! Anyhoo, I'm gonna be a member!

3) Installed some new apps to my BBerry. One of which was Opera Mini which I only found out about last week. That's the thing about BBerry's, I'd probably have not much of a different experience on a G1 or even an iPhone if not for the easy access to an app maarket. Anyway, waaaaay cool because I can now access websites I couldn't on the 8800 Series version of the web browser (most important of which is Mint).

4) I had my first two guinea pigs (I hold guinea pigs in high regard, so don't be offended if this was you) with budget counseling. It was a great opportunity for me because they had completely different financial situations that I had to come up with different solutions. Plus, it's really quite exhausting, you can really feel the "counseling" part of it sometimes. I heard myself saying things like "Look at this number, how does it make you feel?" It was just weird having to nudge people and kick them in the butt to help them reconsider some things. Also, it kinda helps me figure out what I know exactly and how to go about doing stuff like this, since just like any talent we are given, its purpose is to serve other people, so fine-tuning how I present information is a good idea. If anyone else wants to go through this with me, let me know!

5) I never thought running into your counselor on the street would be such a non-awkward and even happy experience. I would definitely be this woman's friend if I wasn't paying her.

6) Ben makes me like old people more than I probably would.

7) Thought on the opera we saw Orfeo ed Euridice. At first you think it's just this simple myth, but I thought about it some more.

Here's a brief Xaris synopsis: Orfeo is the child of one of the muses and a mortal (I forget who) so he has the gift of music. So Orfeo's wife Euridice dies right after their wedding. He's all sad about it so Cupid (Amor) comes down and offers him a deal. He can go to the land of the dead to retrieve his wife as long as he can get through the gates of Hades and he cannot actually look at his wife nor tell her why he can't. So he gets through the gates because the Furies and the ghosts all feel bad for him via his use of song. He gets to the Elysian fields and heroes and other good souls bring him his wife. As they're trying to go back to the living world, Euridice gets all angsty and upset because Orfeo won't look at her. She thinks their love is lost and that she's bound to this life of grief and would rather have stayed dead. In anguish, Orfeo looks at her. She dies, again. Orfeo tries to kill himself but Amor stops him and tells him that he's shown his devotion and will bring Euridice back to life again. Then they (Amor, nymphs, and some shepherds) all dance and sing in celebration of the power of love.

It sounds pretty la-di-da and simplistic, of course theologically wrong. However, I thought about the whole Orfeo can't look at her thing. Cupid sings about it saying something like, because lovers can be blind and unable to see the truth. So what does it mean when Orfeo looks at Euridice? I thought maybe it's like he finally sees her truly so she dies because her true self is revealed and dead, and Orfeo wants to die because he's killed his love then only Cupid (Amor/love) can save both Orfeo and Euridice granting them mercy.

It's kind of interesting to think about. I would die if I were to be seen as I truly am, and only God's love can save me. I would be filled with anguish if I harm someone so deeply, that only God's love can ease my burden and give me joy. I think this is just one of those stories that no one ever thinks much about, but for some reason everyone likes. And it's because it points to a longing within ourselves for grace and hope. It points to a fulfilled need of Jesus.

Man, Con West was totally worth it. Those Ancient Greeks sure were in touch with the psychology and mental psyche of man.

Hebrews Throwing it Down!

It's so quiet today. It's funny how a snow storm just keeps people at home....ah someday I'll be able to do that.

This is one of those posts that's like a paper that doesn't have connected paragraphs ala Xaris's free writing style. FREEDOM!

I've been reading Hebrews and I've been wrestling with some thoughts. I like how Tim Keller always says everyone needs to take the Bible as a whole, you can't just leave stuff out and create your own religion. If you want to believe the part about Jesus loving you and dying for you, then you can't just ignore the parts where God tells you your money is not yours and that sex is sacred within the confines of marriage between a man and a woman. Wrestling with it, Job style, and coming to a sense of God's awesomeness is the point. Anyway...

"It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.

Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whim it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned.

Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case - things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them." -Hebrews 6:4-10

This is scary to me. Below is from the Christian Happiness sermon I keep talking about:

"Indeed, Christianity is now so low in the world, and there is such a want of the lively and vigorous actings of grace, even in those that are godly, that one, upon a cursory view, would think there was no such a tendency in religion as we talk of; but however the case is now in this degenerate age, yet there has been a time in the first ages of the church when the Christian religion had so great an influence on the minds of almost all that professed the name of Christ, that they did not regard all the worst the world could do to them. They slighted and despised all the tortures and pains that could be invented against them, and even the very women and children disregarded them and triumphed over them, and showed themselves to be happy, and were joyful in the midst of flames or on a gridiron, and enjoyed much more pleasure and satisfaction there than the wicked man does in the greatest affluence of the highest sensual delights: so that we see this certainly is the nature and tendency of Christianity. However, for want of due exercise it fails, and it is always either for want of a sufficiency of it, for want of the exercise of it, or from the natural imbecility and weakness of human nature, that it cloth not always produce those effects."

Also just read this on Calvinism.

First of all, I look at the Hebrew passage and think about why the writer is being so harsh. And it's because it was a pretty harsh time for the young Christian church. I remember Tim Keller's series on Hebrews called "Christ our Treasury" I think, and he just said this everytime about the epistle's audience. So in a sense, I can understand the sentiment. But man, it's so hard to think that people who fall away were never really Christians (1 John 2:19), but also that they're crucifying Jesus all over again. I can think of so many people in my life who have "fallen away" and it breaks my heart. It's just troubling though considering my own stupidity and depravity, how it is that I'm "chosen". One can never really figure out why and no answer in this world will satisfy. It isn't to say that everyone who seems like they've fallen away really has the fallen away. Whatever, I guess my point is this is really hard to live out. Hard to realize the real consequences of believing and unbelief, especially when it comes to people I actually know and love. All I can do is thank and praise God and trust in His wisdom.

"You will keep in perfect peace,
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in You." - Isaiah 26:3

Processing the First Big Girl Vacation

Being that I only go home once a year, it always amazes me how different each visit has been since it wasn't "home" anymore and where it leaves me. Home has been ever-changing...and it makes me wonder if it was always like that when I lived there, or was my leaving some sort of catalyst and home was finding it's identity as I was in college. Empty nesters can be quite radical in their changes. I'd like to think the changes my parents have been making have largely been for the better (as it is for me). Some people don't want home to change (I think this is largely my brother's position), but for me, I think I like change. Especially when it's in a place where so much of my former self was not who I was supposed to be. My bedroom being nowhere near it's former state, the boxes in the garage dwindling to 1 box, it all somehow helps me to grow. The only thing that's important and good is still there, family.

Also, because I never really leave NY, I rarely get asked this question anymore, but I heard it twice this vacation. It's some variation or other of "So you like NY?" or "Do you think you'll live there permanently?" You can almost hear the veiled wonder and/or disgust. I told my mom I like NY because it forces me to deal with people, and what's so infuriating about cities like LA is that it's not like a city at all. It's a flat landscape of boxes. House boxes and car boxes that keep people from bumping into each other (yes, like what the Crash movie is all about). NY forces me to deal with people that are very different than me...yes, of course, you can avoid it, but not for very long, not like in the suburbs where you can really avoid it forever. No, I don't think I'll necessarily live here permanently, but there's gotta be a good reason for me to leave.

Something else that's interesting is I always go home around year-end. So together with all the things you gotta do anyway when you get back from a long vacation: getting groceries, unpacking/doing laundry, re-setting the unplugged alarm clock, take stock of what the roommates have moved around, mail/bills etc. there's all these other little things I do like renewing my budget for the year, putting together tax paper work, making sure my benefits are in effect, calendar transfer etc. It's like an extra point of rejuvination, not only did I Sabbath like whoa, but I also get to restart everything I do.

And this new year has been different than any other, because it really does feel like a NEW YEAR. Before, I always thought new year felt like a cheat being in the middle of the school year which really took over how I looked at a year. But 2009 is a whole year unto itself! No more thinking about 2009-2010 kind of years. And even weirder, I have little clue as to what will happen this year. There are a couple things planned here and there, but there are few markers to grasp a hold of and say "Yes, that is now over and I am moving on to the next thing"...except the next New Year.



After all that, here's a picture of my Boris. Even he had somewhat changed and matured.


That's my baby!

Sex and Dating

I'm afraid this isn't going to be as juicy as the title might suggest. Just some general thoughts from the last few days.

I saw Kinsey on Sunday. It presented a lot to be thought about. Mainly though, I thought it was cool to see the life of this man (however true to life it really is) who genuinely cared and oddly enough grew up to be as much of an elder son as his preacher father was, saving himself and others instead of acknowledging the Savior.

It was also interesting to see that because he embarked on this project to measure sex in a scientific way, it made him wrestle with real questions more. He was adamant about sex being just animal behavior, but later on, it was hard to ignore the things that pointed to the realness of sex on more than just the natural level.

I also saw this article in the NY Times today. He just talks about the trend in young people nowadays to casually hook up, not with strangers but with friends, and only later if you really like the person deciding to date. He mentions how it emphasizes the friend groups (since no one is exclusive in this model), so no one feels left out if their not dating. It's amazingly brief for such a subject (much like this post is going to be). Like this quote: "So why is there an increase in hooking up? According to Professor Bogle, it’s: the collapse of advanced planning, lopsided gender ratios on campus, delaying marriage, relaxing values and sheer momentum." He says a lot in so little.

Christians could easily be really judgmental, obviously. Oh, these people not taking sex seriously. But for serious, young Christian communities have our own version of "hooking up", the deep emotional one. Living the Christian life is not so much about the behavior, but the heart behind the behavior. It seems NO ONE takes this seriously enough (however, I think that's how God's Law, can be this tool of grace and love, protecting us from hurting one another). I've certainly blogged about emotional dating before (in my xanga account), so I don't need to again. Just thought I'd tie it in to the subject.

Having never really dated anyone besides Ben, of course, I'm fascinated by the wide continuum that people are on when it comes to dating, especially since I'm in a very specific place in that continuum - the serious relationship. So having only experienced the two extremes it kind of taints my perspective, I admit. Some people casually date, just cause it's fun and you get to know cool people. According to the article people have started to replace that with casually having sex for the same reasons. I have to be honest in saying that I'm a little uncomfortable with anything that has to do with the possibility of marriage being casual. Besides, shouldn't the reason for dating be a Godly one, just like for anything else we do? The reason for relationships of any kind for that matter? I am committed to my family because they are who God gave me to serve. I love my friends because God loves me and has changed me, not because I'm just that cool and was born that way. I date Ben because God seems intent in using each of us for each other's sanctification and journey towards Him.

Again though, I must say, not knowing anything aside from what I have experienced, I hardly have a balanced perspective I'd like y'all's thoughts on it...leave me some sugar on the comments page.

Being an Immigrant

In regular NPR fashion, WNYC has been doing this Becoming an American series every morning ramping up to Thanksgiving. Obviously, it prompts me to think of the choices I've made to become a citizen in more ways than on paper. This one Indian girl with a very Indian name talked about how even now as an adult she still feels only half-American, despite spending most of her life here. Compounding this with Megan's post on creating a new kind of citizenship, and going to Grace's Korean home for Thanksgiving, serving with a large contingent of Asians at the Bowery Mission on Monday, I've thought about my pinoy-ness at odd moments in recent days.

It's weird to become self-aware of the fact that I am a Pilipina, in my current way of life, it's a bit of a reach. But what's cool about being in the working world, is I really see a lot of normal wage-earning Pilipinos running around, speaking my language, cracking jokes they think no one will hear. It reminds me so much of my parents, and how they're exactly like these folks, most especially since I'm involved in work that my dad precisely used to do. I look at the IT project leader sometimes with his thick accent (not pinoy btw) and I think of my father. This one Finance pinoy manager has a distinctly nasal quality to his English, and I caught up with him on the train once. Turns out, he lives on Long Island, his daughter is a Senior at NYU and will be going to law school. We also talked about Stern summer interns he had hired, one of which was really bratty. We talked about where I was from in the Philippines and the major development that's happened around my childhood home and subdivision, we talked about development around my old Catholic school, what it was like the last time we were there, the new mall, the infamous LRT.

Something the NPR series pointed out for one guy was the fact that most people will assume you're American. That is, if you are assimilated enough. It was weird when I became a citizen and was telling people about it, most people were surprised. Most people don't know how hard and costly it is to become one either. But because I really do have minimal, what I affectionately call, "immigrant moments" where diction or lack of knowledge betray, I seem like a perfectly normal young American. And indeed, I am. Thus, another point of tension part of the wider one of justification and sanctification.

It was hard growing up in Arizona. I had to go through a lot of misunderstandings about my identity. There was this one kid, Ryan (from Alaska..go figure), who seriously, seriously thought I was making up my ethnicity, even after I showed him a 25 centavo coin (probably didn't help that it was gold and has a butterfly on it, making it look token-ish)...until he met my mom (he lived around the block from me) then he was very, very nice to me. His father was an A/C repairer and fixed our central air. A lot of people thought I was Native American, or Mexican, or Hawaiian...rarely would they figure it right the first time. Then there's my blessed name, and people would think I was Greek. My parents seemed like anti-social people and do not, to this day, make friends with my friends' parents. My father is going to go into high stress, if he ever has to meet Ben's parents. It sucks to think I caught a lot of my shy tendencies from this. I'm too different, I'm too complicated, we have so little in common, better not try to bridge the gap. I have really cramped small talk skills. I didn't have a lot of examples of people standing around talking about nothing while their children play. I can't help but make small talk something more serious, otherwise I want to kill myself out of the madness.

Really though, my parents are great people. My father is a hilarious, jolly human being with a amazing servant's heart. My mother is a super empathetic, encouraging person. They both talk endlessly about politics, art, travel, business, and all implications of life. They're intelligent people. But place them in Arizona and I don't think my father specifically has found much community, even after 13 years. He really only talks to the dog, my mother, and sometimes his children. He writes these amazing emails about food, filled with rich history. He really is a great poet, his Tagalog is the deepest I'd ever dare read (he won many speech writing awards in school).

I know this has turned into a I love my parents fest, but really I'm just trying to make a case that being an immigrant makes things complicated, even for fluent English speakers. Arizona was not only so different from the Philippines, but it was a different America from the movies we saw. There are no brownstones, green lawns (except if you specifically look for it), brick houses with long driveways just white stucco, pink buildings, and red mountain landscapes. Nothing was familiar. I found myself constantly grasping for something that I could feel was mine and intimately connected to my identity. Well, duh, of course I know this happens to everyone, as we don't belong in this broken world. I'm just trying to express it in my terms as an immigrant.

Really, this is a process of not forgetting. I need to remember what it was like when I felt so left out of the world, that I thought I and/or God made a mistake. I spent a lot of time waiting for life to be over. I need to remember that Jesus walked the earth feeling exactly what I felt yet even more so, and died for the world anyway and was ultimately on the cross left out of the only community we really want to be in, the Father's. He not only welcomes, He knows. So that whenever I feel distant from things that I once felt intimate with (whether people, hobbies, or culture), whenever I feel like I'm being fake and it's obstructing my connection with people, I know that these are mere shadows of the deepest intimacy I've ever had and that is with my God. It is impossible for me to fake who I am with Him. It's ok for me to be confused about who I am too, since I don't determine that, He does. I always belong anyway, because I belong to Him.

Community

I have a habit of not trying too hard to explain myself when I write (why I got a B in Writing the Essay). This may be one of those posts.

This morning, I listened to Coldplay's "A Message". As most of you probably have heard it (I realize I enjoy music in a very isolated fashion and am not quite sure what everyone likes), here's just a snippet.

"My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes on
You don't have to be alone

Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it's so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own"

This morning I was reading this study by Beth Moore (my mom gave me for my birthday) on Jesus - "90 days with the one and only". Today she talked about how gracious God was to Mary. Gabriel didn't only tell her that she was a) going to be pregnant b) that it would be the Son of God, but also mentioned (obviously in Xaris paraphrasing world) c) "b-t-dubbs, your cousin Elizabeth is also having a radical, unexpected, and stigmatizing pregnancy too!" God was paying attention to the personal ramifications Mary was to endure. And after that, Mary goes to visit Elizabeth (who is like 70 miles away or something!) and Elizabeth has nothing but encouragement for her and shares in Mary's wonder.

You don't have to be on your own. Such a wonderful truth.

Ben and I had a "double datesky" with PJ and Gillian last Saturday. It was weird how remarkably blessed I felt by this. We weren't even talking about real deep stuff or insights about life. I can barely remember what we even really talked about or what any specific person said, including myself (which is really freaking odd, because I remember everything usually). Though without words being said outright, the commonality of our situations was so real that it was just a blessing to be in community with them.

Laura has written about this and related topics before (and much more extensively, with books and quotes to back her up ^_^), in obviously different circumstances from me, but what I have to say is similar, just me making my own peace about it. There's something alienating about being committed to another person when one is this young. It's not just about the time and energy that needs to be reallocated to only one person instead of spread to more people, it's also the heart knowledge of another person that uses this as currency. Not that I think my sisters don't know what's going on with me (obviously if you read this blog and talk to me once and awhile, you largely do), but it's just changed. It's not like in high school when I could tell my friends what happened last period. I'm grateful though, that this change obviously coincides with an increase in maturity about giving and receiving intimacy.

One of the greatest spiritual battles of my life has been intimacy and not having it or having too much. Never feeling like I had people in my life who really knew what I was about or trying to be, for most of my life. That obviously changed with the Navigators who freely offered me community. But that was only the beginning. I see now that I spent my college years figuring this out: "Empowerment does not translate to entitlement". Just because I'm given something good, it doesn't mean I deserve it, or can manipulate it to my ends and pleasure. Intimacy is a gift and is something given not taken. Just because we need community, it does not mean we deserve it, or are automatically given one. You cannot force people to be friends with you, just because they showed you they want to be your friend. I think it took me awhile to freaking grow up and realize this. Many of you were victims of this process.

Thank God for boundaries! Kind of like at work, just because these people are invited to a certain type of intimacy with me (the normal everyday type where they see me everyday for most of my waking life, hear me cough and see what I have for lunch) does not mean they have access to my heart. They don't get to ask me what I did last night, unless it's something I had already talked about. I think when our boundaries were disregarded and violated in the past, it's harder to see God's design, or we misinterpret that to be God's design - we either close up desperately building a thick wall of protection or open up for a free for all with no thought as to the dignity of our personhood.

The truth is I need community and am blessed with it. But this stage in life is just far more different than the previous one before it. And just like how I had to get used to the truth that I can't force people to be friends with me. I need to get used to the idea that I'm a woman now, making decisions for myself that have real consequences, and I need to seek out community more than it has come to me (i.e. Mary). And I need to be grateful for what comes and not use it just for myself (i.e. Elizabeth). I don't have to be on my own.

Whew, thanks for letting me process.

Habit and Routine

As I was going about my morning, I had this odd sensation. Even though I was coming off of a weekend (an unusual weekend at that), I didn't feel this huge burden of remorse and dread that it was 6am and the sun had not risen, or that the water changed temperature a third time while I was in the shower, or that I needed to go to work on what is generally considered a holiday. I wasn't like, completely thrilled about it, but there's this sense of safety and comfort in a routine. It's like in science, we don't really know anything for sure, but the fact that something has been done thousands of times and the same result has happened makes us feel a little more sure of something. There's just something about the predictability of the process that starts with me waking up and somehow ending up sitting at my desk.

The whole thing is riddled with decisions too. Decisions that I made a long time ago, that aren't necessarily the most efficient way of doing things. When I was younger, I used to wonder whether I was really taught how to soap myself properly, whether I was completely wrong and completely disadvantaged because I was taught our maids instead of my parents. Was there an American way of doing things that I was completely missing? Of course, who the f cares about that stuff now, but I think it's pretty amazing that a decision I made years ago about how to do any of things I do to get ready in the morning could still be in effect now. It's really amazing how habits form and from then on are completely automatic. Like, I never really think about why I use Head and Shoulders, then a current shampoo, then a conditioner. But if I think back, I remember it was because I had really awful, unhealthy hair when I used to color it and had some bad flaking going on.

And so it goes spiritually speaking. I was really pleased (I'm sorry, that just seems like the right word for it) that Tim Keller preached on repentance yesterday. I think the most striking statement he made was that we have no more reasons to screw up. There are no more reasons to fear and be anxious because of God's love, and there are no more reasons to be proud and arrogant because of knowing who you really are, thus no reasons to break God's heart. He just made it sound so freeing and easy. Way too often, I think about Christian living as a religion, as obligations, as duty but really it's the freedom to be good, nice, MYSELF without insecurity and/or hubris. Christian living is automatic and self-renewing.

Strength

1. Harmony
2. Empathy
3. Connectedness
4. Responsibility
5. Relator

I know I've written about this before. But I wanted to process this again given my new circumstances. These are my so called top 5 strengths according to the Strengthsfinder test (2.0!). Basically, the premise is there are certain skills that just come naturally to a person. Each of us does certain things really well without even thinking about it. I took this test through my mom (as I did with Myers-Briggs) who, if you don't already know, is an awesome, non-catty, career HR person (a rare breed indeed). So basically these researchers have identified 32 or so different strengths. I tried looking for the bona fide descriptions for my specific ones, but it's really self-explanatory. Harmony is looking for ways of compromise and generally not liking conflict. Empathy is being really inclined to feel for other people and being good at it (when I don't feel like connecting with somebody I just don't show this and shut it down, even though I really always see where the other person is coming from...though sometimes it is wise to refrain, that's pretty messed up of me, I agree). Connectedness is a tendency to think of things as part of a much larger and meaningful whole (people with this strength obviously would have a tendency to be religious/spiritual). Responsibility is taking ownership of what I do. Relator is having deep, meaningful relationships with those around me. Combining this info with my Myers-Briggs (ISFJ) it's interesting to see how really strong my Feeling is. I process so many things through my values and my emotions. Sometimes I think this is why my memory is so good, I remember the very smells and colors and touch of specifically emotional events in my life.

I started reading my Japanese textbook last night and I've been practicing my hiragana and katakana characters today. It's using a part of my brain I've been forgetting I have. I forget that I'm smart and capable sometimes. I've been sitting at work this past week, trying to think of ways to force output out of me since my work does not require so much. It's been spurred on by some rather substantial decorating I've been doing at home (we're painting tomorrow! it's really looking different already). But of course, these ideas of mine feel rather weak. I feel like a stay-at-home mom who's children have finally grown up and I'm just trying to occupy my time (granted this is similar, but not the same). It feels like a cop out in a way, trying to create an effort in myself so that I feel meaningful again. Shouldn't that be found in God and not in cross-stitching or any other hobby? But if it's the baby step I can do, it is the one I must do. Obviously, God didn't create me just to sit at my desk reading The Onion and fiddling with minor documents all day, and going home washing the dishes and organizing the recycling. And at least I'm looking for something to do with my blessed self, rather than reacting in apathy and depression (which, let's be honest, is the usual Xaris reaction when she doesn't get her way).