Tests, Suffering and Living a Good Life

I find reminders of how long we've been trying to be sort of funny. It's like a a weird time hop type of experience. I noticed this week that the cheap pack of 50 pregnancy testing strips I bought through Amazon expires this month. It's weird to think as we were starting out last year I thought, "Are these too many? What if I end up not using it all? What if I get pregnant this month?" and so on. I now think about taking a pregnancy test daily just to use up as much as possible. I was no where near using even half of these, given how little I ended up ovulating last year.

I truly don't think of this in sadness, but just in a funny/joke sort of way. There aren't enough jokes about this experience. I guess this type of thing could rub people the wrong way, but if I can't laugh at myself I figure I'd make for a terribly serious mother.

I recently listened to a Tim Keller sermon on Christian Happiness (Romans 8:28-30). I mean he basically takes Jonathan Edwards's sermon (which he wrote when he was 18 years old ya'll!) and sends it to our modern ears. There is so much material in it, that I only mention it here so others could seek it out. The TK sermon was free in the Redeemer app, and the JE sermon is Googleable. More relevant though, it applies to my current thoughts of how we expect life to go. This Romans passage does not promise that bad things in your life will lead to a better life circumstance. It's not necessarily like, my struggles with conceiving now will mean I will all the more have a sweet pregnancy later or that my children will be perfect (ha!). This, in fact, is not the promise of the Christian life at all. There's a possibility I will never be pregnant, maybe even never have children. In fact, the passage is not about us. It says that bad things in our life will make us like Jesus, and ultimately (in totality) we gain a good life. Good life does not equal good life circumstances. Often, I find, the opposite is true, especially in my life. Christ did not suffer so we would not suffer, but so our suffering will make us like Him. Suffering is not pointless, but a means to be unified with Christ. And there is nothing we can do to stop it as Christians loved by God. The more I can contemplate this, the more true joy I can have, this moment, right now, no matter what.

Where we are in the process:
My Reproductive OB/GYN is on maternity leave. I haven't thought about this too much, since it seemed like just such a fact. But that is kind of ironic isn't it? She's not taking too much time off though (only 8 weeks poor lady doctor :( ), and will be back in February.

Before she left, she had me do this type of glucose test, which I actually haven't done since the summer after my Freshman year in college, when I was first diagnosed with PCOS. It showed that even with the medication I take to control such things, my insulin resistance is still rather high. And this could definitely be affecting how I even respond to the Clomid and Letrozole. So we had a chat and she told me I needed to lose 20 lbs or so and then we could reconsider trying the ovulation induction (taking meds) again. I'm seeing her again in late February to see how far down the road I'd gotten. This was a bit of a relief actually, because prior to this convo we were starting to talk about considering IVF. Planner that I was, I was already starting to weigh the financials and what my spiritual discernment was on the ethics.

Weight loss journey:
I had already lost 15 lbs since I started exercising and going to Weight Watchers in July. So now I've joined a gym to try to up my game exercise wise. Let me give you some perspective on my decade long weight loss journey. I was my heaviest when entering college. Then when I was diagnosed with PCOS, I started medication and seeing a nutritionist and I lost 50lbs...almost like without trying. And since the end of my Junior year, I've been gaining a little bit of the weight back at a time. I was about 10 lbs up at my wedding from that low. Marriage added another 5 lbs to that. Then LA living basically added 15 more. So I'm essentially, trying to get back down to that 50 lbs weight loss low, which btw, is still not my ideal weight BMI wise. Weight Watchers has really been helpful in this arena. The weekly group meetings is probably the cheapest group therapy available (aside from Veterans I suppose). There are people there who lost 75 lbs, and there are people who are just starting and taking baby steps. It seems silly while I'm there, but it's actually helpful.

Prayer

Ben and I recently started this Redeemer class called on the "Psalms of David" which is taught by Marty Young, a ridic teacher. I've never had access to someone who could give a satisfying answer to a gamut of hard questions about the Bible. I've taken a few of his classes before on "Becoming Wise" which is about wisdom literature in the Bible and the "Resurrection" which changed the way I thought about the Resurrection. Mainly, I've come to really appreciate his classes because of both the structure and chaos it brings. Structure because there is at least a certain area we can talk about, but chaos in how surprising it is, and how it makes me think, WOW, I don't really know God or the Word at all do I?! Sometimes you really need that jolt of reality that really communicates the raw offensiveness of the Word of God for sinners like us. If it stops being offensive, I've made a false god that molds to my thoughts and wants instead of the real God who challenges my idols and molds me to His image (WHOA!).

Anyhoo, so Marty talked about how Biblical prayer is not praying for things or means to things, it's all about praying for the will of God. When we pray for something, what exactly are we praying for? What is the object of my prayer? Is the object of my prayer God? To be quite honest, I RARELY pray because of God. Most of the time, I'm praying because I feel bad and I want to feel good again. It was so convicting seeing how rampant this was in my life. For example, I may be praying for work or wisdom at my job, but why? For His glory? NO usually it's for my own glory, so that I get a promotion and a bonus down the road, so that I can feel like I'm doing something. Even asking for absolutely good things like an apartment for Ben and I, or good weather on our wedding day is not Biblical if the reason behind it is for my own comfort, joy, peace, etc. Which absolutely makes sense if you sat down and thought about it, but I am so blind to the dealings of my heart. Do I really love God for God, which is the love God asks for, or do I love Him because of the stuff I get out of Him? Do I love God because He is good, or is it because He's good to me?

Loving God because He's good to me is not a bad thing of course, it just shouldn't be the only reason why. How weird would it be to say that I love Ben because of all the things he does for me, but never really pay attention to who he is and what he likes and loves?

Now, Marty said something regarding these un-Biblical prayers, that I don't know what to think about quite yet. He said that they are all unheard, not just unanswered, but unheard. His reasoning was that because God is so holy, he doesn't let things that are not holy into his presence. However, I think about how the Holy Spirit is our intercessor, and our prayers are heard through faith in Christ Jesus who is most righteous and holy. I wish he had given some more backing to this, but then, no one really pushed him on this issue (probably because everyone was feeling the conviction of what he just said about 90% of the prayers out there), and I hope it comes up again.

To further this point though, I think the main thing is just recognizing that even our very prayers are inadequate and are like dirty rags before the Father. But because the Son has died and rose again on our behalf, His righteousness is upon us and we must rely on Him for all things. We need to pray for His will to be done, not ours.

Preparing for Marriage

I've been noticing something in me that I find rather disgusting. I've been judging every person I ever look at or even think of. I'm not sure how long this has been going on, or why I'm even so aware of it now (probs the Holy Spirit), but I've just felt really stupid about it lately. I see so many people in one day, just by virtue of taking public transit. And I literally form judgments about a person's character and personality just by looking them up and down. I think I did start noticing this when I started just looking at people's various engagement/wedding rings and thinking about what I would want for myself. I realized that the judgments I made on the ring's beauty and size suddenly transferred to what I thought about the person...without even talking to them.

And why am I doing this? Why such self-righteousness? It's because I'm not accessing the free love, grace, and mercy of the Lord. The hardest thing about living the Christian life, is the repetitive nature of repentence. God's love is so powerful as to demand all of me. But when I don't fully grasp the glory of the Gospel, I suddenly have no idea about my acceptance and full assurance in Jesus. The very way I live my life is affected. I literally can't love as much, nor serve as much, and accept as much. I must feel better about myself by putting people down. Again and again, I need to remember and marinate in the truth that I am robed in the righteousness of Jesus. I am, in fact, one with Him. I abide in Him and He remains in me.

It's been cool that these thoughts have been prompted by the whole process of preparing for marriage. The parallels of increasing oneness with Ben and increasing realization of God's actual oneness with me has been cool and scary to see. Ok, so maybe Ben was that person I'd been thinking about and praying for all my life, that person I'm actually gonna marry. But God has always been in my life, whether I like it or not, whether I paid attention or not. He has always been my husband, I have always been saved. My salvation was never dependent on how wise I am or how much I obeyed or even how much I believe, it depended on God. Much like Gomer, it doesn't matter how much she had done, she was still Hosea's wife. So for all time and eternity, Jesus has already clothed me with his wealth, glory, and honor. I've never done anything without His help.

It's a little scary to think about how marriage is a model like this that was created by God. That no matter how ugly your spouse gets, how demeaning their spirit may become, or even how terrible a parent they end up being, it is your job to stick it out and make them better, even if it costs you terribly. That is God's way of loving us after all, and if we can't even love the one person we're supposed to love in this way, how can we ever serve the poor and the marginalized (that's a Mike Mason paraphrase btw)? The simplicity of marriage, you're given one person to love above any other human being, including yourself. That's it! How difficult, but man, how beautiful! God is a genius.

Lala and Idolizing my wedding

So I just signed up for Lala this rival to iTunes, except with a totally different business model and looks to be web-based. You can listen to the entire song once before buying. Also, you can add songs to your collection for 10 cents for unlimited play, and the first 50 are free! You can play it from any browser, which is perfect for me at work! (Until IT gets with it and blocks it). I'm not sure about pricing, but so far "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce is $1.19 and "Rockstar" by Nickelback is $0.79 ^_^. And you can upload all your music onto their site so I could listen to my music at work! Crazy! Of course, like all the newest things, it has a social aspect to it, but I'm assuming I won't have too many friends on there for now.

I've been thinking about shame lately and how that relates to our idols. This wedding is definitely a "near" idol that needs to be destroyed. But I think I never really thought about how insecure we can be with our idols. At least, I've never really applied this thought to my own idol of having the perfect wedding. When we worship anything other than God, we really associate our identity with it. Like if we worship friends or relationships, we morph ourselves to be exactly like our friends just to be cool, neglecting to nurture how God made us uniquely. This is like High School socializing 101! But something in all of us knows, it's not enough for our souls and never will be. So whenever an idol like this is attacked, our very self feels attacked.

Let me apply this to wedding stuff. Whenever someone questions and/or is fairly negative about a decision I made for the wedding, I feel attacked personally. As if that person is not just saying I'm doing everything wrong (which isn't necessarily what they're saying), but I myself am wrong. Beneath this feeling is the feeling of being shamed. Feeling that if my wedding isn't perfect that it's reflective of my shameful self. Why does it shame me? Because it has become my god, I have sacrificed everything for it, and loved it above all things, BUT it does not redeem, love, cherish, protect, strengthen me. It in fact does nothing but give me some human approval, which is rather worthless in the long run. It is not JESUS CHRIST who gave all of Himself for my sins and for the restoration of my beauty and true self, which is something infinitely more valuable and everlasting.

It's taken me awhile to kind of parse through the various feelings and triggers that has been going on the last few weeks. I'm sure there will be more to come. I've been using my control over wedding plans as my savior to try and fight the feelings of shame at the prospect of having a "sub-par" wedding. Really, I must not be like "chaff that the wind blows away" fighting for myself. I must be "like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." This realization took me a lot longer than it should've, but I love how it didn't take me as long as it used to ^_^. God has been so gracious to me.

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night." - Psalm 1:1-2

Membership and Gospel Coalition

I did my Redeemer vows at the 10:30am service last Sunday. I do feel rather weird coming into the realization that I'm actually a member of Redeemer. This is mainly weird considering, I've technically been a member since February when they approved me. And it's not like my commitment to the church changes, or that I'd be serving and seeking fellowship there any differently (except maybe I can help out at the communion now and pursue becoming a deaconess!). But I guess there is something about standing there and having all those thousands of people witness you take a vow. Even if all you're saying is "Yes." People are witnessing what you're doing. And it's not like random people, it's people you've created community with too. Many thanks to Brittany B, Chens, Susan N, Allison B, Dan T, Kyo for being part of that witness and sharing your fellowship with us! [Edit: OMG, and Lauren H, AAAHHH, I'm so sorry, this totally doesn't mean I didn't appreciate you being there!!!...awkward]

I just listened to Tim Keller's talk at The Gospel Coalition Conference in Chicago. It's great to hear a talk from him to people he knows are Christians. When he does his sermons at Redeemer, they tend to need to be watered down a bit, because you never really know what kind of people are coming in through the door. That's the great thing about his sermons of course, that they reach all levels of belief, but it's a double-edged sword. It's nice to hear him throw it down and call out people on their idols, a little more like John Owen, though for our time and our culture. Anyway, I urge everyone to check it out!

It was cool to watch the live webcast and think, "Hey, that's my pastor" and "Whoa, I'm in Jersey City, they're in Chicago and this is all happening right now! Sweet!"

Because I probably won't blog on Easter

I went to the Redeemer "Resurrection: So You May Believe" class taught by Marty Young. It was really, really educational and spiritual. I've decided (I also took his "Becoming Wise" class) that I do like Marty a lot as a teacher. He may go on tangents often and is at the whim of the questions people throw at him (which annoys someone like me who likes planned things and people following through with the plan as planned), but even in that, he really does his job in satisfying questions, though the answers lead you to a more unsettling and complex place than you originally thought.

Someone asked the question that if Mary Magdalene saw all these angels rolling stones over, telling her that "He is risen!" and still didn't believe, how is that even possible? One would think if people just saw angels and God clearly just spoke to them about what they're supposed to do, then, THEN they'll know what to do. But Marty made an even deeper point than just the idea of supernatural things. In all this commotion when Jesus was not found in the tomb, and in all the accounts of the Resurrection, no one sees Jesus unless a) they believe or b) He reveals Himself, and further that Jesus prefers to reveal Himself through Scripture.

In one account, Jesus walks down the road with some dejected disciples, only they don't recognize Him. Jesus chastizes them with Scripture "He said to them, 'How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken! Did not the Christ have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?' And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself" (Luke 24:25-27). Finally, Jesus breaks bread with them and then disappears, and the disciples see Him as Jesus. Dude, these guys were JEWISH, they knew what the prophets said and were waiting for the Messaiah, and they STILL had a hard time believing.

I just thought the implications of all that was HUGE! You don't see Jesus unless you already believe or He reveals Himself to you, THAT'S IT! And it's still true in the world today. So many people still think Jesus was just a great teacher, and not the actual Christ who not only died but is risen and at the right hand of God the Father Almighty. Scripture is meaningless to those who cannot see. And we are so dependent on Scripture as the basis of our faith, our life, our religion. Marty pointed out, even the demons have seen angels, but are not saved, because they do not put their faith in Jesus.

If you really think about it, what an awesome opportunity for us that have come after. We have this book the Bible, that's all compiled already with all the Gospels. Even in that, what a gracious blessing!

Gah, the Gospel!

I started reading this intro by J.I. Packer for a book of John Owen's, "The Death of Death in the Death of Christ" (haha, yes it makes me giggle). Just read part 1 of it where he talks about the need for the recovery of the Gospel. How people have made the Gospel all about help for man, instead of the fuller description as giving glory to God.

"Accordingly, the themes of man's natural inability to believe, of God's free election being the ultimate cause of salvation, and of Christ dying specifically for his sheep are not preached. These doctrines, it would be said, are not 'helpful'; they would drive sinners to despair, by suggesting to them that it is not in their own power to be saved through Christ. (The possibility that such despair might be salutary is not considered: it is taken for granted that it cannot be, because it is so shattering to our self-esteem.) However this may be (and we shall say more about it later), the result of these omissions is that part of the biblical gospel is now preached as if it were the whole of that gospel; and a half-truth masquerading as the whole truth becomes a complete untruth. Thus, we appeal to men as if they all had the ability to receive Christ at any time; we speak of his redeeming work as if he had make it possible for us to save ourselves by believing; we speak of God's love as if it were no more than a general willingness to receive any who will turn and trust; and we depict the Father and the Son, not as sovereignly active in drawing sinners to themselves, but as waiting in quiet impotence 'at the door of our hearts' for us to let them in."

This thought has been shattering my self-made view of God lately. Yes, you start reading this and you think, well, it's basic belief in sinners saved by grace not by works. But do we really live this way? Do you wake up in complete reliance on Jesus dying for you? Do you really hate sin as evil? Do you really abhor sin or do you just hate the consequences of self-hate and look to the Gospel as a form relief from your suffering, never really letting the redemptive work of Jesus take over and returning to sin over and over again? I've been doing the latter and realized how hard it is to do the former. To be universally sincere in accepting the Gospel as the power of God, not just a help.

Yes, God is always welcoming and always waiting for us to turn, but neither is this our work, but only through the work of the Spirit. God is more than a Help, He is the very power that propels you.

This is how the Gospel is offensive as a intelligent, educated, highly self-sufficient person. It's so unnerving to think that my little attempts to clean myself up only make me dirtier and uglier with indwelling sin. To think that I am totally incapable of making friends without Jesus. To think that I am totally incapable of doing or having any work without the Spirit. To think I can keep it together and be a solid, supportive girlfriend without the Lord. Basically, the idea that I'm not being real about my sins at all, if I don't see their true evil. It sucks, and you almost don't know how to approach a God like that, a God that is so holy that even the very way you praise Him is inadequate and like dirty menstruation rags. Like you never really knew God at all. He makes Himself known, yet He is utterly unknowable. He reveals Himself, but He is unrevealed.

This tension rages on. And I can only pray and meditate feebly, having faith that the Spirit will move, and that God is still with me and for me. That this is still true: "God is mine helper." - Psalms 54:4 and all the truer with the fullness of the Gospel. He infinitely loves me and cherishes my heart and my life because all He sees is Jesus. We can only be justified by faith. And I knew all this from the beginning, but the Gospel just runs deeper and deeper with meaning with every movement and revelation of God. Justification and sanctification should be the same exact thing, a process done daily and throughout my life.

May I always say with joy and gladness: I'm a Christian, can you even believe it?!?!

March Comparison

I thought I would play the, "Where were you last year?" game today. I think I get like that whenever I've just gone to counseling. It's just nice to compare and see growth. There is a danger of doing this just to make myself feel better and to extenuate the gravity and challenges of where I'm at now. But I have faith that this is helpful for me.

I looked a bit through my old xanga site and found this post. It's weird how I'm essentially doing the same things now: living for today, having work and social activities and getting enough sleep (btw, good share by Joanna on the theology of sleep), and waiting. Except now I realize that waiting is life, and all of life is basically waiting actively. Waiting actively is not just sitting there and going through the motions, but growing and seeking God and his Kingdom first as he reveals His mystery to you. I know this is easy to grasp in concept, but when I live my life, it's a lot harder to live like I know it.

Last year's March probably contained one of the most traumatic days of my life. I was already spiritually depressed and not sure about where God was and felt a withdrawing of His presence in my life. Then this elderly woman minister basically attacks my already precarious faith, and I just did not have the strength to stand under condemnation. Which is to say, I absolutely don't and that's what I need Jesus for. I need his justification daily, hourly, minute-by-minute.

Anyway, it's just nice to have had an entire winter without the spiritual depression that had seemed to accompany most of my winters in the last decade or so. It's nice to feel supported and that I can stand on the foundation of God, despite the openess of my situation. And man, is my situation open, with no commitments or obligations. I could move, I could quit tomorrow...right now, I could go meet new people, I could buy a plane ticket this weekend to go to France. But whatever I do God is with me, and I must follow Him, not my own whims. And there ultimately lies true joy and gratefulness. The kind of waiting that we weren't made for, but is a sign that we were made for something greater.

Processing (...and this is just one passage)

"Truth loves the light and is most beautiful when most naked."

The problem with truth is no one really has it. So everyone, as in every human being, runs around thinking they've got the "Truth" when really they've just got a little truth. Totally changing the quote in my header line to this, because I feel like a new season is upon me (haha who knows if it's true?). Besides, I like the idea of nakedness. Fun part of not being in school is the freedom to determine a season of life separate from semesters, quarters, breaks, and when things are due.

Blogging is difficult when you're going through a lot of stuff. I've been struggling with defining what would be helpful to process here. I find myself sincerely disinterested in writing a post and rushing one at the end of the day or not at all. Also, it's hard to fight that feeling of performance on here, considering apparently I have a larger audience than I thought. Remarkably however, though there is a lot to process, it hasn't been burdensome, and I remain grateful instead of angry. So great is the Lord's grace that has carried me through a lot to get to a point where I can be happy and joyful, even with the hard things in life. So great is His love and affection toward me...ME!

Hmmm...so let me discuss the following long ass quote from John Owen:
"Hatred of sin as sin, not only as galling or disquieting, a sense of the love of Christ in the cross, lie at the bottom of all true spiritual mortification. Now, it is certain that that which I speak of proceeds from self-love. Thou settest thyself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such a lust or sin; what is the reason of it? It disquiets thee, it hath taken away thy peace, it fills thy heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear; thou hast no rest because of it. Yea; but, friend, thou hast neglected prayer or reading; thou hast been vain and loose in thy conversation in other things, that have not been of the same nature with that lust wherewith thou art perplexed. These are no less sins and evils than those under which thou groanest. Jesus Christ bled for them also. Why dost thou not set thyself against them also? If thou hatest sin as sin, every evil way, thou wouldst be no less watchful against every thing that grieves and disquiets thine own soul. It is evident that thou contendest against sin merely because of thy own trouble by it. Would thy conscience be quiet under it, thou wouldst let it alone. Did it not disquiet thee, it should not be disquieted by thee. Now, canst thou think that God will set in with such hypocritical endeavours, -- that ever his Spirit will bear witness to the treachery and falsehood of thy spirit? Dost thou think he will ease thee of that which perplexeth thee, that thou mayst be at liberty to that which no less grieves him? No. Says God, "Here is one, if he could be rid of this lust I should never hear of him more; let him wrestle with this, or he is lost." Let not any man think to do his own work that will not do God's. God's work consists in universal obedience; to be freed of the present perplexity is their own only. Hence is that of the apostle, 2 Cor. 7:1, "Cleanse yourselves from all pollution of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God." If we will do any thing, we must do all things. So, then, it is not only an intense opposition to this or that peculiar lust, but a universal humble frame and temper of heart, with watchfulness over every evil and for the performance of every duty, that is accepted."


I used to think "Elder Son" was more of a danger for mature Christians like the Rick Warrens and Tim Kellers of this world. People who are not just part of a ministry but help found ministries and general do good throughout society. But I realized that isn't true at all. Jesus said that if you have hatred in your heart for another person, you have murdered them and that if you lust after someone who is not your spouse, then you have committed adultery. Why can't it be applied that if you even think that going to small group regularly, hanging out with Christian friends all the time, etc. can save you, then you are in fact being an "Elder Son", spitting on the Cross and mocking the blood of Christ.

If you haven't noticed I've been reading a lot about and by the Puritans. And it's making me think a lot about how I operate theologically, which of course influences my ideas about ministry and evangelism. Specifically, this passage makes me re-think my own experience processing the greatness of my sin (...that sounds like I'm implying I'm done, but we all know I'm absolutely not). I came into Navs with all my addictions, neediness and shame. When the true power of the Gospel was shown to me at the Penn State retreat of my freshman year, I confessed to God and those around me. I set myself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such lust and sin. And I hated sin as "galling or disquieting" and it filled my heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear. But I didn't hate sin for sin, I hated sin because I realized it was bad and out of a spirit of self-love, not because I thought God was good and that I loved Him. Because of this, I came back to sinning over and over again. And I was usually very surprised when the more obvious sins of my life came back. Like I thought I was over it. I went on like that for a few years because God said, "let [her] wrestle with this, or [s]he is lost".


Then, all of a sudden, I fell in love with God for who He is and what He had done, not because I wanted His peace and wanted to be seen as "good" and mature or I wanted to be well-liked by my Christian friends. It is truly the work of the Spirit and no one else. I can't pinpoint when the exact moment or season this happened, but it probably had something to do with counseling and starting to wrestle with God and just God, not my parents, not my friends, not even my idols. You can't trust anyone you don't know, and I was starting to know and trust God. God had called me to Himself.


I really like the point the passage makes about how much this twisted kind of mortification of sin is self-love and noticable with the neglect of every other thing in life that still have everything to do with our sinfulness. If I'm really working on not looking at porn anymore (and succeeding), but then don't daily read the Bible, don't pray unceasingily, don't go to church, drink to the point of incoherance or even just spending money freely without gratefulness to the God who gave it to me thinking I earned it, then what use is the one victory? What kind of heart could I have obeying God one way but blatantly and obstinately disobeying God every other way? What sucks is outwardly, I think I'm doing it right or at least I'm not that bad, that I'm being a Christian, but really I've just diverted my energies from an obvious sin to a more sinister and insidious and dangerous kind. Sin that can go on for the rest of my life un-challenged and all the while corrupting every part of me to the point that I won't be myself anymore. I'll be some other demented kind of person with no true self, for my true self is only in Christ.

By the true, powerful and redemptive grace of the Spirit, I'm in a better place, which is always good. But I would be a fool if I didn't look back and see how wrong I was all the times I thought I was alright and assume that I'm done. In fact, what's great about Owen is how he emphasizes that the mortification of sin is a lifelong, daily practice. It's a constant putting to death, with the understanding that indwelling sin will never be dead in this world. I am always capable of taking my temptations to the extreme, lustful thoughts to sex outside of marriage, bitterness to hate to murder. It is a constant, perpetual going to Jesus and letting the Spirit do its work. The paradox is the key and understanding it will take a lifetime. Nevertheless, the mortification of sin is work for believers (who have had a real encounter with Christ and a real surrender of their lives) to do, not people who don't hate sin for sin but in fact love it and relish in temptation and use the Gospel for their own ends of relief and self-justification.

I cannot believe how much I'm learning from Mortification of Sin. Everything that John Owen says may seem familiar, but no one, NO ONE, ever says it like this anymore. And it's not just the old English ^_^. It's weird to realize that I'm reading this now because I'm ready to read it and not at any other time was I ready for such truth to pierce my heart. (And I credit Ben for turning me on to it). I'm not done with the book yet, and I could write on and on for so many other passages. This is probably one of the most important books I've read in my life. Read it if you feel lead to.

Thought Stream

For me, I think what sucks about not being in school anymore, is the constant re-establishing/re-orienting/re-thinking/re-considering/re-prioritizing. There's just more structure for this stuff in school, almost manufactured. Now, I feel like at least every few weeks (much more frequent in the beginning) I find myself being challenged my something. It could be something I read, something I realize, something a friend says, something a stranger says. I'm slowly getting it through my thick head that it's just life, and that I'm being a baby, but this is just really annoying and I never see it coming. Lack of outward stability is always draining. That's why an inward stability has been so much more important to me. I've really been grasping a hold of Jesus as my only constant and the one true thing that's getting me through this life. It's been getting easier. Whenever I realize something terrible about me, about the world, it has gotten so much easier to see God's glory in the midst of it. It gets to be that with any negative feelings I hear or feel, I immediately want to rush to Jesus to fill me all the more with His mercy and grace. To empower me to speak the truth and say, "Rejoice, for the kingdom of heaven is near!"

This huge internal dialogue is has been happening in my head. And when it doesn't...I get really worried...then I suddenly start thinking about the Resurrection again. I guess we're just not made to be robots. I'm constantly thinking and feeling.

"Monday, Monday...I wish it was Sunday"

I've like really hated Mondays. Always threatening me with a headache. Particularly, this Monday I am heavy with thoughts swirling in my head. I could use some prayer, friends.

Ben's been reading "The Mortification of Sin" by John Owen. Ben told me about how Owen emphasizes hating sin and how we don't really hate sin enough. I haven't read it myself, but I have thought about the casual way sin just goes in and out of my life..that's how I can describe it. Like there will be times when a particular lie creeps back into my life and like Eve, I believe it. I don't really think about the destruction, hurt, and cosmic let down sin is, not just to those it affects, but also to God. So in effect, our repentance can be predicated on not truly understanding what we did so wrong, and really just looking for relief from our guilt and shame. I mean, don't get me wrong, I think it's a good place to start, but not understanding sin is like not understanding God at all.

Sigh, yeah just been thinking about that. Will probably start reading John Owen too.

Last Sunday, Tim Keller gave the best sermon I've ever heard on the Gospel. As in a sermon about the Gospel itself, not like a certain aspect of it. I'm so glad I volunteered at the nursery yesterday, because I got the sermon for free ^_^. I might write more about it when I hear it again.