Preparing for Marriage

I've been noticing something in me that I find rather disgusting. I've been judging every person I ever look at or even think of. I'm not sure how long this has been going on, or why I'm even so aware of it now (probs the Holy Spirit), but I've just felt really stupid about it lately. I see so many people in one day, just by virtue of taking public transit. And I literally form judgments about a person's character and personality just by looking them up and down. I think I did start noticing this when I started just looking at people's various engagement/wedding rings and thinking about what I would want for myself. I realized that the judgments I made on the ring's beauty and size suddenly transferred to what I thought about the person...without even talking to them.

And why am I doing this? Why such self-righteousness? It's because I'm not accessing the free love, grace, and mercy of the Lord. The hardest thing about living the Christian life, is the repetitive nature of repentence. God's love is so powerful as to demand all of me. But when I don't fully grasp the glory of the Gospel, I suddenly have no idea about my acceptance and full assurance in Jesus. The very way I live my life is affected. I literally can't love as much, nor serve as much, and accept as much. I must feel better about myself by putting people down. Again and again, I need to remember and marinate in the truth that I am robed in the righteousness of Jesus. I am, in fact, one with Him. I abide in Him and He remains in me.

It's been cool that these thoughts have been prompted by the whole process of preparing for marriage. The parallels of increasing oneness with Ben and increasing realization of God's actual oneness with me has been cool and scary to see. Ok, so maybe Ben was that person I'd been thinking about and praying for all my life, that person I'm actually gonna marry. But God has always been in my life, whether I like it or not, whether I paid attention or not. He has always been my husband, I have always been saved. My salvation was never dependent on how wise I am or how much I obeyed or even how much I believe, it depended on God. Much like Gomer, it doesn't matter how much she had done, she was still Hosea's wife. So for all time and eternity, Jesus has already clothed me with his wealth, glory, and honor. I've never done anything without His help.

It's a little scary to think about how marriage is a model like this that was created by God. That no matter how ugly your spouse gets, how demeaning their spirit may become, or even how terrible a parent they end up being, it is your job to stick it out and make them better, even if it costs you terribly. That is God's way of loving us after all, and if we can't even love the one person we're supposed to love in this way, how can we ever serve the poor and the marginalized (that's a Mike Mason paraphrase btw)? The simplicity of marriage, you're given one person to love above any other human being, including yourself. That's it! How difficult, but man, how beautiful! God is a genius.

Fig Trees

For one reason or another, I hadn't been listening to my iPod while commuting. This past weekend I did that Autofill thing on my Shuffle to get some new songs in there. It had the most uncanny timing this morning.

After I read Spurgeon's morning meditation on the train. I put on the iPod and it was some really good David Crowder which I haven't listened to in awhile. And as I was getting out of my last train and surfacing to the ground, The Northern's "All The Greatest Things" came up, which was really surprising since I really haven't listened to them in months and months. Made crossing the street toward the skyscraper I work in suddenly very dramatic. I forgot this was in there but what struck me today was this line: "We are fruitless fig trees..." Dave puts it in there real quick, but it meant a lot to hear it today.

I've been really feeling useless and fruitless at work. It seems this is the ongoing struggle of this season in my life. My degree, my intelligence, my spiritual depth, my social skills, my insight, all of it is counted as loss, and all of the sudden no one cares what Xaris is doing all day. At school, people would at least judge you for not working hard, but now, they don't even care to know. It's this feeling of continually moving forward in wide steps and growing and changing and maturing and learning, while essentially being exactly where I was 9 months ago. Teehee like a baby! What if I'm never born? I feel so held back. Like I'm stuck in this womb and God won't let me out until His time. It's draining to do nothing with yourself, hoping you're not being foolish. Like you're not doing what you were meant to do. It's kind of like what Jesus says about the fig tree. If it's fruitless, it might as well be dead.

But the greatest truths I've known have been absurd. And as Jesus brings judgment on this tree, he takes the punishment on Himself. He violently tears Himself to pieces for the love of the fruitless. This infinite life-giving fruitful tree does this for me the death-deserving fruitless tree. My complaints are silenced at this thought. I can only be justified by this faith and trust that I am sanctified in this period of angst and waiting.

Gah, the Gospel!

I started reading this intro by J.I. Packer for a book of John Owen's, "The Death of Death in the Death of Christ" (haha, yes it makes me giggle). Just read part 1 of it where he talks about the need for the recovery of the Gospel. How people have made the Gospel all about help for man, instead of the fuller description as giving glory to God.

"Accordingly, the themes of man's natural inability to believe, of God's free election being the ultimate cause of salvation, and of Christ dying specifically for his sheep are not preached. These doctrines, it would be said, are not 'helpful'; they would drive sinners to despair, by suggesting to them that it is not in their own power to be saved through Christ. (The possibility that such despair might be salutary is not considered: it is taken for granted that it cannot be, because it is so shattering to our self-esteem.) However this may be (and we shall say more about it later), the result of these omissions is that part of the biblical gospel is now preached as if it were the whole of that gospel; and a half-truth masquerading as the whole truth becomes a complete untruth. Thus, we appeal to men as if they all had the ability to receive Christ at any time; we speak of his redeeming work as if he had make it possible for us to save ourselves by believing; we speak of God's love as if it were no more than a general willingness to receive any who will turn and trust; and we depict the Father and the Son, not as sovereignly active in drawing sinners to themselves, but as waiting in quiet impotence 'at the door of our hearts' for us to let them in."

This thought has been shattering my self-made view of God lately. Yes, you start reading this and you think, well, it's basic belief in sinners saved by grace not by works. But do we really live this way? Do you wake up in complete reliance on Jesus dying for you? Do you really hate sin as evil? Do you really abhor sin or do you just hate the consequences of self-hate and look to the Gospel as a form relief from your suffering, never really letting the redemptive work of Jesus take over and returning to sin over and over again? I've been doing the latter and realized how hard it is to do the former. To be universally sincere in accepting the Gospel as the power of God, not just a help.

Yes, God is always welcoming and always waiting for us to turn, but neither is this our work, but only through the work of the Spirit. God is more than a Help, He is the very power that propels you.

This is how the Gospel is offensive as a intelligent, educated, highly self-sufficient person. It's so unnerving to think that my little attempts to clean myself up only make me dirtier and uglier with indwelling sin. To think that I am totally incapable of making friends without Jesus. To think that I am totally incapable of doing or having any work without the Spirit. To think I can keep it together and be a solid, supportive girlfriend without the Lord. Basically, the idea that I'm not being real about my sins at all, if I don't see their true evil. It sucks, and you almost don't know how to approach a God like that, a God that is so holy that even the very way you praise Him is inadequate and like dirty menstruation rags. Like you never really knew God at all. He makes Himself known, yet He is utterly unknowable. He reveals Himself, but He is unrevealed.

This tension rages on. And I can only pray and meditate feebly, having faith that the Spirit will move, and that God is still with me and for me. That this is still true: "God is mine helper." - Psalms 54:4 and all the truer with the fullness of the Gospel. He infinitely loves me and cherishes my heart and my life because all He sees is Jesus. We can only be justified by faith. And I knew all this from the beginning, but the Gospel just runs deeper and deeper with meaning with every movement and revelation of God. Justification and sanctification should be the same exact thing, a process done daily and throughout my life.

May I always say with joy and gladness: I'm a Christian, can you even believe it?!?!

March Comparison

I thought I would play the, "Where were you last year?" game today. I think I get like that whenever I've just gone to counseling. It's just nice to compare and see growth. There is a danger of doing this just to make myself feel better and to extenuate the gravity and challenges of where I'm at now. But I have faith that this is helpful for me.

I looked a bit through my old xanga site and found this post. It's weird how I'm essentially doing the same things now: living for today, having work and social activities and getting enough sleep (btw, good share by Joanna on the theology of sleep), and waiting. Except now I realize that waiting is life, and all of life is basically waiting actively. Waiting actively is not just sitting there and going through the motions, but growing and seeking God and his Kingdom first as he reveals His mystery to you. I know this is easy to grasp in concept, but when I live my life, it's a lot harder to live like I know it.

Last year's March probably contained one of the most traumatic days of my life. I was already spiritually depressed and not sure about where God was and felt a withdrawing of His presence in my life. Then this elderly woman minister basically attacks my already precarious faith, and I just did not have the strength to stand under condemnation. Which is to say, I absolutely don't and that's what I need Jesus for. I need his justification daily, hourly, minute-by-minute.

Anyway, it's just nice to have had an entire winter without the spiritual depression that had seemed to accompany most of my winters in the last decade or so. It's nice to feel supported and that I can stand on the foundation of God, despite the openess of my situation. And man, is my situation open, with no commitments or obligations. I could move, I could quit tomorrow...right now, I could go meet new people, I could buy a plane ticket this weekend to go to France. But whatever I do God is with me, and I must follow Him, not my own whims. And there ultimately lies true joy and gratefulness. The kind of waiting that we weren't made for, but is a sign that we were made for something greater.

More From Mr. Owen

From Chapter 7: "The mind and soul is taken up about that which is not the man's proper business, and so he is diverted from that which is so. God lays hold by his word and judgements on some sin in him, galls his conscience, disquiets his heart, deprives him of his rest; now other diversions will not serve his turn; he must apply himself to the work before him. The business in hand being to awake the whole man unto a consideration of the state and condition wherein he is, that he might be brought home to God, instead hereof he sets himself to mortify the sin that galls him -- which is a pure issue of self-love, to be freed from his trouble, and not at all to the work he is called unto, -- and so it diverted from it...are men diverted from coming unto God by the most glorious ways that they can fix upon to come to ruin their own souls. I wish that some whose trade it is to daub with untempered mortar in the things of God did not teach this deceit, what ofttimes are they directed unto, when their consciences are galled by sin and disquietment from the Lord, who hath laid hold upon them? Is not a relinquishment of the sin, as to practice, that they are, in some fruits of it, perplexed withal, and making head against it, the sum of what they apply themselves unto? and is not the gospel end of their convictions lost thereby? Here men abide and perish."



It's like the Elder son, redux. I don't think I've ever heard/read this point so effectively laid out and so precisely communicated anywhere else. And it's not bound into the fluffy Prodigal Son parable. The idea of "Elder son" is a lot easier to throw around than the full out rebellion, deceit and uselessness that the idea is pointing at. AHH so much truth!

Emo-ish Music

For several reasons, I guess certain areas of growth (and non-growth..womp,womp) have been coming to mind more frequently. The last few months I've been thinking about anxiety as a sin. Connected to that, despairing and fear as sin. Sin here being defined as walking away from God, since at any given moment, you are either walking towards or away from Him. Everyone floats somewhere, as Paige Brown said. All these thoughts and feelings of anxiety and despiar are expressed from a loss of belief in God's sovereignty and goodness. Of course it's a given that everyone feels these things, and living in denial of fear is even worse than actually acknowledging it, but I always try to go by the quote at the top of this blog and try to describe and define instead of just praise and dispraise. Anyway, moving on.

I've been anxious all my life and quite prone to despair. It lead to complex behavioral ways of coping, addiction being a main ingredient. But as I continually smack into the reality of God, the truth of His love and salvation has molded me into something a bit more like what I should be.

Music has played a major role in my understanding of this process. Being the deep feeler that I am, I like to listen to emotionally charged music.

Like Nicole Nordeman - "Anyway" :

"Every layer of mine hides a lovely design, it might take a little patience, it might take a little time, but you called me BEAUTIFUL, when you saw my shame. And you placed me on the wall, anyway."

I thought a lot about surrender my Freshman year, since it was clearly what I had to do. And I was finding the joy and healing in the pain of being utterly gross, but not held responsible for it.

Mute Math "Control":

"There's no better loss than to lose myself in you."
"Take control of the atmosphere, there is no reason I should breathe, unless you're in the air."

Then I started to realize that there's more to it than what it means for me. The beauty of justification and sanctification is it's more than just making me better, it's making me better for human flourishing for the Glory of God. But what does a loss of control really mean then if it's not just skydiving into an oblivion, but becoming Christ-like and engaging in the world? You can lose control in a lot of ways, and all equally destructive, but there's only one way that leads to life.

Everyone knows the ubiquitous Spiderman 2 theme song from Dashboard Confessional - "Vindicated"

"Slip away against the current."



Much like the Spiderman movie, true salvation is more than self-redemption but world redemption. Everything is not just going to be right with you, but also with this world that God has created; and we as the Church have something to do with that Kingdom work.



It's amazing how I listened to these songs so much a few years ago, to comfort my despairing heart. But it's getting easier to see the truth that I shouldn't even be worried at all. That there are so many reasons in Christ to be hopeful always.

Here's a quote from Brothers Karamazov. The "elder" is speaking to this woman filled with guilt and fear: "Don't be afraid of anything, ever. And do not grieve. As long as your repentance does not weaken, God will forgive everything. There is not - there cannot be - a sin on earth that God will not forgive the truly repentant. Why, a man cannot a sin so great as to exhaust the infinite love of God. How could there be a sin that would surpass the love of God? Think only of repentance, all the time, and drive away all fear. Have faith that God loves you, sinful as you are and, indeed, because of your sin. It was said long ago that there is more joy in heaven over one repentant sinner than over ten righteous men. Go now, and fear nothing. Do not be offended if people treat you badly. Do not hold it against them. And forgive your departed husband all the harm he did you. Become truly reconciled with him. For if you repent, you love, and if you love, you are with God. Love redeems and saves everything...Love is such an infinite treasure it can buy the whole world and can redeem not only your sins, but the sins of all people. So go and fear no more." FEAR NO MORE!

I've mentioned how much I love Brett Dennen - "Darlin' Do Not Fear"

"The confidence is full as your faith etched in stone
and neither could comfort you from the wild unknown
So bury your burning hatred like a hatchet in the snow
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know.
If you have a broken heart or a battered soul
Find something to hold on to or to let go
to help you through the hard nights like a flask filled with hope
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
'cause it won't last - your worries will pass" --> Damn, this whole song is quotable.

"I fear no evil, for you are with me. Strong to deliver, mighty to save." - Got this from a song too, but it's in the Psalms right?

Yet again, I think reading this post can make peopel think it's a hodge-podge. But really it's all about finding happiness, hope, love, and peace in the abounding grace of God. At the Redeemer interview I was reminded over and over about my name and what it means. And how it's what I should be giving to other people, Xaris (grace, that which gives joy), me becoming my true self in Jesus.

It would be overwhelming, if not for xaris being given to me. I've always wanted to do a post like this with a sprinkling of songs that have changed my life, and have grown me and shown me the truth in the Gospel. And it's always good to not hide from where you've been and to see the power and glory of God already shown in you.

"You've come far and though you're far from the end, you don't mind where you are 'cause you know where you've been." - Carbon Leaf - "Let Your Troubles Roll By"

Another I-love-God-so-much-I-need-to-repent fest

BAH work...I thought I'd write this out while I have the chance.

I wish I could like tell them I'm busy because I'm writing my post for the day. Here's how the conversation would go:

Dave: Xaris, are you ready to come over?
Xaris: Wait, I'm working on something right now.
Dave: ...what is it?
Xaris: Oh, you know, my blog. I really need to get this done by COB today.
Dave:.....oh....

HAHA! Yes, that is how it will happen. I'm soooo professional. Here's my professional photo to prove it.


Anyway, I started getting a little bit...well a lot anxious this morning. And then with all this between Hebrews, Jonathan Edwards, the Five Points of Calvinism, Brothers Karamazov and repentance...I just started to do that thing you're supposed to do when you despair. I started thinking about how much God loves me and how He looks at me and is totally psyched that I'm in His family. I started thinking about how excited He must be to make not only the failures within me right, but the failures done to me, and the failures that affect my loved ones and enemies...make all that hot mess clean, pure, good. How the Second Coming really is going to be wonderful, and everything that is happening right now has something to do with that ultimate transition. That if Jesus died for my total grossness, He must've thought it was worth it. Well, if He thinks it's worth it, then I should respond in gratitude working through problems and embracing them with joy instead of working around or over them and/or closing my eyes bracing for the end of it. I still felt worried, but I started to think "Oh, this is what hope is." In a sense it doesn't matter what I feel, because once I start to obey, my heart follows my head.

I think many times I feel wrong, just wrong. And I can either take it on myself and think about all the ways I'm selfish, self-absorbed, in denial, evil, dark, destructive, depraved...or I can bring it to my High Priest who goes beyond the veil and sacrifices Himself for me. He is gracious, righteous, all-knowing, good, light, regenerative, redemptive...I put on that wedding dress and run down the aisle to Him.

"During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek." - Hebrews 5:7-10

Sex and Dating

I'm afraid this isn't going to be as juicy as the title might suggest. Just some general thoughts from the last few days.

I saw Kinsey on Sunday. It presented a lot to be thought about. Mainly though, I thought it was cool to see the life of this man (however true to life it really is) who genuinely cared and oddly enough grew up to be as much of an elder son as his preacher father was, saving himself and others instead of acknowledging the Savior.

It was also interesting to see that because he embarked on this project to measure sex in a scientific way, it made him wrestle with real questions more. He was adamant about sex being just animal behavior, but later on, it was hard to ignore the things that pointed to the realness of sex on more than just the natural level.

I also saw this article in the NY Times today. He just talks about the trend in young people nowadays to casually hook up, not with strangers but with friends, and only later if you really like the person deciding to date. He mentions how it emphasizes the friend groups (since no one is exclusive in this model), so no one feels left out if their not dating. It's amazingly brief for such a subject (much like this post is going to be). Like this quote: "So why is there an increase in hooking up? According to Professor Bogle, it’s: the collapse of advanced planning, lopsided gender ratios on campus, delaying marriage, relaxing values and sheer momentum." He says a lot in so little.

Christians could easily be really judgmental, obviously. Oh, these people not taking sex seriously. But for serious, young Christian communities have our own version of "hooking up", the deep emotional one. Living the Christian life is not so much about the behavior, but the heart behind the behavior. It seems NO ONE takes this seriously enough (however, I think that's how God's Law, can be this tool of grace and love, protecting us from hurting one another). I've certainly blogged about emotional dating before (in my xanga account), so I don't need to again. Just thought I'd tie it in to the subject.

Having never really dated anyone besides Ben, of course, I'm fascinated by the wide continuum that people are on when it comes to dating, especially since I'm in a very specific place in that continuum - the serious relationship. So having only experienced the two extremes it kind of taints my perspective, I admit. Some people casually date, just cause it's fun and you get to know cool people. According to the article people have started to replace that with casually having sex for the same reasons. I have to be honest in saying that I'm a little uncomfortable with anything that has to do with the possibility of marriage being casual. Besides, shouldn't the reason for dating be a Godly one, just like for anything else we do? The reason for relationships of any kind for that matter? I am committed to my family because they are who God gave me to serve. I love my friends because God loves me and has changed me, not because I'm just that cool and was born that way. I date Ben because God seems intent in using each of us for each other's sanctification and journey towards Him.

Again though, I must say, not knowing anything aside from what I have experienced, I hardly have a balanced perspective I'd like y'all's thoughts on it...leave me some sugar on the comments page.

Grace Covers Shame

Of course the name of this blog is not an uncommon part of Christianese, but I wanted to mention the song that inspired me to use it. Watermark is this band made up of a cute married couple, with really deep lyrics and playful music. I wish I could sing their songs in worship. Like many other artists, my brother introduced me to them (he became an American citizen on Tuesday btw). The song is from The Purest Place album.

"You Come As You Are"

I lay me down at Your feet my Jesus
Find me here with a heart that's pure
I am raised up in the love You pour on me
The moment I believe...

I lay me down at Your feet my Jesus
Find me here with a life like Yours
I am raised up in pow'r that sets me free
The moment I believe The moment I believe

Chorus:
(that) You come as You are And I come as I am
And grace covers shame
You come in Your pow'r And I bow down
And grace covers shame
You come like a flood and I'm lost in this "Hallelujah!"
You come as You are and I come as I am
And grace covers all of me... All of me...

I lay me down at Your feet my Master
Find me here with the grace to know
That I am raised up in the perfect love of God
The moment I believe The moment I believe

Chorus

Bridge:
I am laid broken Lord I am open
Breathe in me
And this by design Is Your life divine Living in me...
You come as You are...
I come as I am
You come in Your power And I bow down

Chorus


There are times when I just feel like shouting Hallelujah, Rejoice, or Praise the Lord, but often than not I don't. It seems to happen in the times when I feel desperate, or someone who is speaking to me sounds desperate, and I just wanna yell it to their face, as if it would make it more true in our hearts. Well, it probably wouldn't hurt, but Scripture is better.

"God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" -Numbers 23:19

Pure

I realized I didn't really think about the conference much before I had gone. It was just this block of time that I had set apart, and I was content in not knowing of what I would want to happen in that time. It's freeing to be able to approach events like this, no details, no plans, especially when the event delivers.

So I guess that's really what I learned and enjoyed at Pure - freedom. I was free to laugh, cry, talk, sing, dance, jump, knit, and sometimes shout with unusual abandon. I was free to sound foolish, and free to offer wisdom. Free to be alone, free to be surrounded (like literally) by my sisters. Free to be young, free to be old. Free to love, and free to voice hate so as to repent.

Paige Brown had an illustration of a water bottle knocking over and everything spilling on the floor. Why's the water on the floor? Because there was water in the bottle. There are situations in life that cause the bottle to knock over, but whatever ends up on the floor is because it was in the bottle to begin with. Obviously this is a broadly used idea, but the visual of the water all over the floor is compelling to me. So I guess, I felt free and safe enough at Pure to knock the bottle over myself to see, show and discuss what comes out. Seeing that for others as well, some women who I would never have thought I would even totally relate to, was so encouraging.

Maybe this sounds really intense, like counseling, but it wasn't counseling. It was just fellowship. No one was there to fix one another, we were there for the Lord. And it wasn't intense in that stressful way when you're feeling really broken, it was peaceful, calm, rest in the Lord. It helped that all the ladies weren't freaking out and buckling down under the weight of their own sin, they were offering it to God and asking why? Struggling with God instead of themselves.

At so many points, I just felt soooooo loved by God, that I couldn't believe how stupid I was and am and probably will be in not trusting His wisdom, strength, and worthiness. It's been awhile since I've felt so completely vindicated and redeemed. (Another Paige Brown-ism) Looked at the cross and said Am I that bad? YES! Am I that loved? YES!

My life in school had so many seasonal weekends away from the city between all the leadership retreats and Nav retreats. And I think I had forgotten how one weekend can do the work of several months in the Spirit. How Penn State 2004 had set the course for a changed life for me and that was only 3 days, no extended weekend needed. Out of any other retreat I've gone to, I remember the most details from this one, even now. I can't even remember what I did for free time last year in Vermont, but I remember the songs we sang and where I sat for worship at Penn State. I remember I slept in this heavenly, soft bed (probably the best bed I've ever slept in) next to Stephanie D. I remember Dan Brown throwing a pile of leaves on my car (with the windows open) and subsequently losing his wallet, and finding it in the dark later. From then on, my car has always had fall leaves somewhere in it at whatever time of year. I remember Nicole T talking about wanting to be the prince on the white horse and marveling at the thought that some women didn't want men to open the door for them (wtf?). I remember reading Revelations (for Con West) while people were almost dying in caves somewhere. I remember Mike Chen and Tyler being amazed at my mad skillz at lying to them. I remember that the alum and random older people outnumbered the freshmen.

Life is Repentance (Rejoicing)

I was thinking recently about how grateful I am for my job(!). Yes, it caught me by surprise as well. If I really sit down and think about it, I am grateful for how clear it is to me that I need to be here (though God chooses to hide the exact reasons). I've learned a lot about depending on Christ. I've learned a lot about myself.

Actually, I really remember this whole, newly profound level of dependence on Christ idea hitting me around August/September 2007. I remember talking to Megan S on the phone during a long, routine walk home (when we still lived in the 23rd St apartment). I had my concentration set on this whole transition from college to not-in-school. I was asking her about how she managed to create community for herself in Christ Church while maintaining Navs in her life, because I was attending and trying to do the same at Astoria Community Church. We were talking about the lack of community in general, and how the loss of Navs the way we knew it is a way to figure out how powerful communion with the Holy Spirit can be...something to that effect. Really though, I felt like shit about the whole idea and how it was going to be and how hard it was to get used to. How to get used to a life change.

And since that time (about a year ago), boy have there been some dramatic changes in my life. From the very obvious to the very subtle. And it's weird to realize that throughout it all, all I was trying to figure out was this basic idea of repentance. Of course, like most of you, I thought, heck ya I know what that is, I'm a Christian. I can point to things and say, see I have repented, look at how much my life has changed! Look at how much God has empowered me to do the things I've done. See, God is definitely in communion with me and definitely in my life.

Andrea had handed me this Redeemer study titled "How the Gospel Changes You" around end of July. It was all about idols and repentance, and I thought, alright, alright, let me just read through this. It ended up being a major theme in my thoughts, prayers, and the way I related to people.

The thing is, alright, I understand the need to bow before God, understand who He really is and understand who I'm really not. Think of the magnitude of my full out rebellion against the God of the universe. No excuses, that was a choice I full out made. And then applying the idea that the triune God loved me enough to die for me, to chase after me, to tear His life apart and put it back together with me in it. This should in turn make us rejoice. Sing Amazing Grace, and shout hallelujah. (This part however rarely happens to me) But the thing I missed almost completely, that I don't think I ever thought about until I read the Redeemer study, was the need to PRAISE God. How it is physically, mentally, emotionally, soulfully impossible to rejoice, without giving praise to the One who makes it possible. We were meant to praise God, therefore if we do not do it, we cannot claim the gift we are meant to receive. It's as if I walked around saying, yes I'm Toti's (my father's) daughter, but never even gave him a call, never talked to him for years. I may always be Toti's daughter, that never changes, but there's that difference between a legal relationship and a personal relationship. I may always be his daughter, but do I love him? It's the same with the Father.

So in applying all that, I try to praise God everyday, and hopefully someday I can praise God all the time. Not that I'm great at it mind you, but I try. Even if it's a dry "God you are awesome." The exercise is good for my soul. "However important [growing my character] may be, this process of repentance trains us in habits of the soul that are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God." (from a 1 John Redeemer study). As Tim Keller says about relationships "Love is an action first, a feeling second." How could we expect any more from ourselves in our relationship with God? If loving God and being in a relationship with Him means forcing myself to sing a hymn, say a prayer, or read out stale sounding words, I'm going to freaking do it because it was what I was made to do. Like with most things, the focus isn't on receiving or even giving with excellence (that's covered by God in His covenant with us), really the focus is who you're giving to. That's what eros is, and that's the metaphor God likes to use with Christ as the groom and the Church as the bride.

Whew, that was a lot. But really it's been churning in my head for such a long time, it's the culmination of a lot of material read, sermons heard, conversations had, and feelings felt.

Btw, I think swearing off Google Reader is actually helping in a way I didn't fully expect. My life is really a lot less negative on a regular basis. Of course the negativity isn't Google Reader's fault per se, I just don't know how to subscribe to the less biased things without hearing about news no one else pays attention to. It's the blogging culture of the internet I suppose. Kind of how people rely on most of their news from late night TV which makes fun of everything, only on a grander scale. Also, I'd read Google Reader for most of my day which is more than the Bible, more than any other reading material. I think I just have to limit it to like an hour a day or something.

REJOICE!

Redeeming Love

So I finished it. Rather anti-climactically might I add, because I almost totally expected it to end the way it did. I realized while talking to Ben yesterday that it oddly somehow mirrored my thoughts, prayers, and spiritual inner life throughout the month of September. Ideally, kind of like in the Bible, you should see yourself in every character, from the pure Miriam to the embittered Paul. From the broken prostitute to the Godly farmer.

Not that this book was any sort of catalyst, but it really was a companion of my thoughts. I started praying the way Michael prayed, sometimes with the exact words, almost imagining the Italics in my head. I cried over the lies that Angel would tell herself, knowing that that's how I talk to myself sometimes. Sometimes I would be reading the book on the train, and a minute later be faced with similar obstacles and with as much need for the Spirit as a character in the book did. The need to hear God call me and whisper, Beloved.

Anyway, I'm moving on to another book. Not quite sure if I'd want it to be so girly and intense. Btw, the book was sitting on my desk at some point, as I sometimes have it out to read a quick page or two, and a co-worker (same marriage guy mentioned in another post) saw it and asked me. "Is that a romance novel(!?), let me see that." I held it up and tried to explain: But no, it actually has to do with the Bible (but I don't think he really heard me through the clear part of the cubicle wall). He just gave me a look of disapproval, and walked away. It sucked, but I don't really care what he thinks about me. I just hate not being able to be understood correctly and clearly. Like it's not bad enough that I'm the only young woman around here who obviously is hardly working.

What Yelling the Truth at Yourself Accomplishes

"All The Trees Of The Field Will Clap Their Hands" - Sufjan Stevens
If I am alive this time next year Will I have arrived in time to share? Mine is about as good this far/ I'm still applied to what you are And I'm joining all my thoughts to you And I'm preparing every part for you/ I heard from the trees a great parade And I heard from the hills a band was made Will I be invited to the sound? Will I be a part of what you've made?/ And I am throwing all my thoughts away And I'm destroying every bet I've made And I am joining all my thoughts to you And I'm preparing every part for you

I've owned this song for a few years now (and have had it in my iPod all that time), and I honestly never really listened to what it was saying. It's weird that in conjunction with everything going on in the market (the loss of hope, the panic, the fear), is when I get to the head of the beast that I'm dealing with and oh like in a video game, the mega boss is harder than I thought and I'm using everything I have to throw at it. Well, I choose Hope damn it! I choose Love! I choose to be loved by God, to be taken, pruned, cherished by Him. To commit myself to Him.

"The energy you could spend on a life that reflects the sacredness and dignity of God gave to you is instead spent in chaotic, circular patterns that go nowhere." From a (free!) weekly newsletter I get from Committed To Freedom that Andrea is involved with. They're also the ones who give the seminars at Redeemer every year in July, which I've been to as well.

Reading Redeeming Love, it's interesting to see myself in both the prostitute and the farmer. I always remember what Justin Moffat had said about how interesting is it that Jesus always rebukes the strong and encourages the weak, and how we're both at the same time. People are just complicated.

"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming." - Helen Keller (also from Committed To Freedom)

Friday and Sanctification

Man, how a day does drag on so. So much so that I'm writing in my blog without any real sense of purpose. I hate how this feels, I hate being wasted (and I don't mean that in an alcohol sense).

I put up some pictures at my desk today, and I think that stuff really does make a difference. I also have this calendar that I'm highlighting blue for everyday that passes and green for any vacations I've planned. It's depressing to think that it is really most of what I think about. Someone was telling me how kinda awful it is for someone to have all their hopes and joys into a fabulous vacation that last for a short period of time versus being in the arms of Jesus for all of eternity...I guess sometimes a vacation is all I can grasp at, it's all I can hope for. It's a numbing mechanism in my brain that has turned way on recently. Sometimes it's not even that far off in the future, it's just what I'm going to be doing tonight and with whom and for what purpose.

I think after processing the themes in my first blog posting below, my heart, my body, my mind just gets exhausted. That place where you experience the realization of your extreme sinfulness (in a sense that not only do I sin, but I am a sinner) and the powerful holiness and grace of God. That's exhausting...it's exhausting crying about it with overwhelming tears. But it's so much at the heart of reality that it's difficult controlling my emotions even just typing this in at work! I think if you spend enough time with me nowadays and I allow myself enough room for grace, I just come to that place and break down. Wow, no wonder I've been numbing my mind to dull my soul.

So my counselor gave me this illustration that we come down to the valley to realize the depth of our sinfulness so that we go up the mountain, receiving the grace that brings us joy and peace and a relationship with Jesus, a person. Of course! Basics of Christianity right?...I guess I have fears that I haven't really reached the bottom of the valley, and in order to reach it, there needs to be a lot of prayer, and to pray is to change. Instead of going there, I think this past week I've started to prefer to just pretend that the valley is great, that the valley is just fine for now. But there's this weird tension of the Christian life. There's this call to do that, to wrestle with God, but there's also the whole waiting for the Spirit to move...it's going to take time. It's not like by the next time I post I'm going to say, YAY, I'm no longer a sinner and I'm completely sanctified. NO! I am justified, yet being sanctified, and none of it is because I love God, but because He loves me. So just because this takes awhile, it doesn't mean I do nothing and ignore my helpless state, and just because I'm a sinner in great need to be sanctified, doesn't mean it's going to happen in my time. It's not magical, it's supernatural.