Dreams

It's been awhile since I've really blogged. And I think my writing may have suffered for it.

I've been thinking about dreams lately. Allow me to process.

Ever since I got married, my dream life (as in when I'm asleep) has been very, very active. I think it has a lot to do with not having the "second commute" of going from somewhere in Manhattan (downtown, midtown, or Washington Heights) to Astoria after a full night. I've been sleeping well enough, better than any other time of my life. I dream about work A LOT. A lot of the time it's me thinking over a problem over and over again in my dreams, but then I wake up and realize it didn't make sense at all or it wasn't even all that helpful. I also dream about wacky situations with people I love. None of the dreams are necessarily good...I can't recall the last time I really had a good dream.

On the other hand, it's been weird to be "living in a dream" (as in my waking life). I think if I sit down and count the number of things I've always wanted and now have, I'd realize what an ingrate I am. In a lot of ways the dreams I had as a child are very much true in my life now, even the dreams I was too scared to admit I had for fear that I'd never get it. An attractive husband who loves God and loves me, a stable job (we'll get to that), family and friends who care for me and I can count on, a church I've committed to and made roots in, a great apartment in the middle of a really cool city, a car, the lifestyle I maintain with all the food, theater, entertainment...it's rather odd to me, just the idea that I've suddenly become an outwardly (well really WORLDLY) successful adult person. Sure I wanted it! But I would not have believed this was possible, even just 4 years ago.

20-year-old me would proclaim that I was living in a dream. It's rather nuanced this idea of dreams though. It does not satisfy, it does not fulfill, and nor should it. The thing is, because I never thought that my greatest hopes and dreams would come true, I really played that down as a child, resulting in me being a dysfunctional dreamer. I had a very hard time answering the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", because I really didn't know what to aim for. I was just pushing through the short term, good or bad as it was, feeling like I'd ultimately not achieve much of anything, and I was preparing my heart for failure.

Now that I'm in a dream fulfilled, and of course I being a sinner in a sinful world am not satisfied. Well then, maybe I should dream for something else. What could it be? Greater comfort, greater wealth...are these things really greater? Won't they fail me once again and I will again want more? With these thoughts before me, I don't know how to dream. The Bible points to the need to dream and work for the Second Coming, when all will be restored and made right and God's people will reside with him in a city that's apparently a ginormous cube...but so often is this an ethereal thing. Not concrete enough to build on. My humanity creates barriers to understanding the impact and magnitude to my everyday life.

Ben is a really good foil for me on this. He's wanted to be a doctor since he was a kid. Though it's not like his road has been unwavering and straight (there have been many second, third, and millionth thoughts on whether this is the right path), he's pretty much been on a path toward where he is now and we hope in God that he continues down this path. Maybe he'll be a doctor in NYC, maybe he'll be a doctor in the suburbs, maybe he'll be doing missional work, who knows, but the main dream is to become a doctor. It's really neat when you think about it. I mean, what a cool dream!

I didn't and still don't have a dream like that. A dream that tangible, basic, and easy to communicate. Because of this, I think it's very easy for people to talk to him about his working world, and in essence his dreams. It's natural for him to tell people about him learning about what ails people and him helping people get better as a daily part of his work. I hear enough and understand enough from him that I know why people like talking to him about it. It doesn't stop me from feeling like a lesser part of our couplehood when I don't have a real concrete answer to "How's work doing?". I am partly to blame also because I honestly don't even have an "elevator speech" much more able to communicate very well about what I do. Nevermind knowing how to talk about dreams I don't have, except the little ones that don't mean anything. I lose momentum in a conversation, and Ben is readily there to talk more about his dreams. I'm laying it out here to have anyone reading this as a sounding board. I think it's just a cultural reality that professions that are revered like medicine draw a lot more attention and awe than something like finance...especially nowadays.

I don't really know where I was going with all that. I just know that there's something more to be had in this life than I have now. And it's such a danger to go looking for it in the idols of sex, power and money, which ultimately is all I ever dream about to be perfectly honest. Dreams really reveal what a person's idols are. The same goes with their worst nightmares. Not admitting to my dreams means not confessing my true desires, which is really just avoiding repentance. I forget what has lead me to a great measure of peace is repentance, and repentance is my road to complete shalom where longing has no place. But it's very hard to keep reminding yourself that in the light there is no shame.

Ribbon Bird, Freedom and Love

My brother and I used to make ribbon birds like this when we were younger. I forget why we got so into it, or where we learned it from, but I think my brother was running for student council. He made a ton of blue ribbon birds and used a safety pin to put them on people. It was really apropros because the school's mascot involved an eagle and the school color was blue. I've been thinking about somehow incorporating this in the design of our wedding, just because I think it's unique. I grabbed this picture from here.

At the same time as his bird-making, there was this trend at school (my all-girls Catholic school) where girls started selling stuff to each other, like cupcakes, fans, bracelets and other girly things. So I thought, hey, maybe I can sell these ribbon birds as pins. So my mom and I made some (like a lot, like 30 or something) and put it in a little box with some safety pins. I was so excited, I thought this was the best idea ever. I took it to school, but I think only 2 people or so ever really bought one. I was kind of disappointed and didn't know why my plan didn't work. I don't even think I wanted the money, I just wanted to be popular. And as if I didn't learn from this experience I tried selling it again in middle school at this market day thing when people spend fake money they earned as bonus points. I think it just confused people yet again. Why would they want one? OH you know, if you were trying to add beauty to your life...I guess that's not something you're interested in when you're young. These experiences probably have a lot to do with why I don't understand entrepreneurship.

So I've been reading "The Mystery of Marriage", and as I mentioned he is totally a feeler. You can also totally tell he's a man, by what he emphasizes as the difficult parts of marriage. The closeness, the realness, the not being alone, etc. These are things that I certainly struggle with at times, and more and more as marriage becomes ever more real, but I just think most women I know struggle with wanting this too much from men. But that's my $.02. It is still rather excellent. It's kind of like he's persuading you about the wonderfulness of marriage BECAUSE it's raw, close, real, and ever watchful. But for me, it's more like reading more about something I've already been sold on. The reason why he sounds like this may be because it's geared toward people who are already married. I can definitely see how easy it would be to forget what he's talking about.

"It is no secret that there is this heady, breathtaking freedom in love, but how many realize that the marrying kind is the headiest of all? In a person about to be married there is a quality of footloose derailment, as if an old rusty locomotive had suddenly sprouted wings and soared away from its tracks. Being engaged is like entering a new stage of childhood, right down to the feeling of strange new chemicals being released into the body. It is, in fact, like having a new body, like being a brand new creature just emerged from a cocoon, with shining skin not quite dry. It is like baptism. The world is so bright, and this crazy new body is so incredibly sensitive to everything. It is one thing to be a new creature as a baby, without any sense of self-consciousness. But it is something else when this happens to an adult. One stumbles around, lumbers, cranes, reels. And what are those ponderous appendages on one's back, thos preposterous, unwieldy contraptions that keep lifting one up into the air?"

Emo-ish Music

For several reasons, I guess certain areas of growth (and non-growth..womp,womp) have been coming to mind more frequently. The last few months I've been thinking about anxiety as a sin. Connected to that, despairing and fear as sin. Sin here being defined as walking away from God, since at any given moment, you are either walking towards or away from Him. Everyone floats somewhere, as Paige Brown said. All these thoughts and feelings of anxiety and despiar are expressed from a loss of belief in God's sovereignty and goodness. Of course it's a given that everyone feels these things, and living in denial of fear is even worse than actually acknowledging it, but I always try to go by the quote at the top of this blog and try to describe and define instead of just praise and dispraise. Anyway, moving on.

I've been anxious all my life and quite prone to despair. It lead to complex behavioral ways of coping, addiction being a main ingredient. But as I continually smack into the reality of God, the truth of His love and salvation has molded me into something a bit more like what I should be.

Music has played a major role in my understanding of this process. Being the deep feeler that I am, I like to listen to emotionally charged music.

Like Nicole Nordeman - "Anyway" :

"Every layer of mine hides a lovely design, it might take a little patience, it might take a little time, but you called me BEAUTIFUL, when you saw my shame. And you placed me on the wall, anyway."

I thought a lot about surrender my Freshman year, since it was clearly what I had to do. And I was finding the joy and healing in the pain of being utterly gross, but not held responsible for it.

Mute Math "Control":

"There's no better loss than to lose myself in you."
"Take control of the atmosphere, there is no reason I should breathe, unless you're in the air."

Then I started to realize that there's more to it than what it means for me. The beauty of justification and sanctification is it's more than just making me better, it's making me better for human flourishing for the Glory of God. But what does a loss of control really mean then if it's not just skydiving into an oblivion, but becoming Christ-like and engaging in the world? You can lose control in a lot of ways, and all equally destructive, but there's only one way that leads to life.

Everyone knows the ubiquitous Spiderman 2 theme song from Dashboard Confessional - "Vindicated"

"Slip away against the current."



Much like the Spiderman movie, true salvation is more than self-redemption but world redemption. Everything is not just going to be right with you, but also with this world that God has created; and we as the Church have something to do with that Kingdom work.



It's amazing how I listened to these songs so much a few years ago, to comfort my despairing heart. But it's getting easier to see the truth that I shouldn't even be worried at all. That there are so many reasons in Christ to be hopeful always.

Here's a quote from Brothers Karamazov. The "elder" is speaking to this woman filled with guilt and fear: "Don't be afraid of anything, ever. And do not grieve. As long as your repentance does not weaken, God will forgive everything. There is not - there cannot be - a sin on earth that God will not forgive the truly repentant. Why, a man cannot a sin so great as to exhaust the infinite love of God. How could there be a sin that would surpass the love of God? Think only of repentance, all the time, and drive away all fear. Have faith that God loves you, sinful as you are and, indeed, because of your sin. It was said long ago that there is more joy in heaven over one repentant sinner than over ten righteous men. Go now, and fear nothing. Do not be offended if people treat you badly. Do not hold it against them. And forgive your departed husband all the harm he did you. Become truly reconciled with him. For if you repent, you love, and if you love, you are with God. Love redeems and saves everything...Love is such an infinite treasure it can buy the whole world and can redeem not only your sins, but the sins of all people. So go and fear no more." FEAR NO MORE!

I've mentioned how much I love Brett Dennen - "Darlin' Do Not Fear"

"The confidence is full as your faith etched in stone
and neither could comfort you from the wild unknown
So bury your burning hatred like a hatchet in the snow
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know.
If you have a broken heart or a battered soul
Find something to hold on to or to let go
to help you through the hard nights like a flask filled with hope
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
'cause it won't last - your worries will pass" --> Damn, this whole song is quotable.

"I fear no evil, for you are with me. Strong to deliver, mighty to save." - Got this from a song too, but it's in the Psalms right?

Yet again, I think reading this post can make peopel think it's a hodge-podge. But really it's all about finding happiness, hope, love, and peace in the abounding grace of God. At the Redeemer interview I was reminded over and over about my name and what it means. And how it's what I should be giving to other people, Xaris (grace, that which gives joy), me becoming my true self in Jesus.

It would be overwhelming, if not for xaris being given to me. I've always wanted to do a post like this with a sprinkling of songs that have changed my life, and have grown me and shown me the truth in the Gospel. And it's always good to not hide from where you've been and to see the power and glory of God already shown in you.

"You've come far and though you're far from the end, you don't mind where you are 'cause you know where you've been." - Carbon Leaf - "Let Your Troubles Roll By"

Things I'd rather pay attention to

It's interesting how I really do utilize myself. Being that I don't have much to do, I have all this time and energy that I bring into any issue that arises, from being on hold with the cable company for a few hours to opening new bank accounts and credit cards. But I think, a lot of times, this is just too much freedom and I end up blowing off a lot of stuff that I probably should be doing. The stuff that really matters.

One example of something that doesn't really matter: I'm getting a hair cut today. I scheduled it with the same girl who did it last time, which is new for me. I've never found someone to be loyal to. But it seems that the cut I got last time just grew out so nicely, I need to try her out again and to see if it's for real.

Also, LOST! I got Ben hooked on it last Summer and I've been watching all the old episodes with him. Also, for the first time I am for real all caught up because I finished last season's episodes when I was at home with the HDTV!!! It was interesting, because I think it's really easy to forget how all these people got started with all the questions asking/answering and new questions forming every single episode. It's interesting being sad again when people died and being nostalgic about when certain things happen or people are introduced. And now, I can truly say nothing is really in the way of me watching every single episode, like a normal person following a show. I've waited all of college for this.

Another thing I've busied myself with is my taxes. I found out from the NY state website that I can get my taxes done for free at http://www.taxslayer.com/ (eligible to people under 25 years of age and over 65 years of age...check the NY State site to make sure it's the best one for you). Only thing though, is that it doesn't really explain things very well. Really, it's just only slightly more useful (and more aesthetically pleasing) than the form itself. So what I would do is open a TurboTax account for free (in fact make sure you pick the Free Edition, and if you prefer you can do your Federal taxes on there...there's also a Freedom Edition for people making less than a certain amount). They're a lot more user friendly when it comes to asking you questions and you actually getting all the deductions right. Then check back to TaxSlayer and input all the different items, since TurboTax so nicely categorizes it for you anyway. It's rare for both the federal and state tax return to be filed for FREE! You just pay a processing fee for the e-file (unless you mail it in yourself). Don't use a service. But then, even if you do, the fees you use for the service are deductible for next year. Anyway, checking out your own state's tax site is totally worth it.

Foundation of Self

I've been seeing a lot of random Sternies, ever since I started work...even in Jersey City. I saw this one guy today (AGAIN!), and I still can't believe he actually has a job...he was a bit of a cheater/slacker at school. Anyway, I think I always see him when he's running late because I get to work at around 8:45am and he's only just starting to go to the city.

I guess I should have realized this before, but it's weird that as long as I work in this area, I'm always going to have that familiar Stern building experience of recognizing faces, but not actually knowing the person. I have never even talked to or had a class with a lot of Sternies, but I can pick them out and recognize them on the street. It's kinda cool, kinda like we're taking over the world the way Dean Blount-Lyon always says touts we will.

Anyway, THANK YOU LAUREN for pointing out Beth Moore's blog. I guess we should've expected it from that woman. That's a really good post by her too, and one I need now. Frankly, when you're feeling lost and confused sometimes you forget that's what you're supposed to feel...because you are. It's like all the other times we're just making do with not knowing, in both good and bad ways.

A couple weeks ago I got in the habit of singing in the shower that song we would sing while re-establishing the poles for the building (again and again) in Honduras. The song was about the man who built his house on the sandy land. "Don't build your house on the sandy land, don't build your house on the shore, well it might be kind of nice, but you'll have to build it twice...you'll have to build your house once more." That's how I remember it anyway.

I'm excited because I just reconciled my phone to my address book for most of the morning. It was very tedious, but I kept doing it and didn't stop concentrating, didn't even look at the computer once. Whew, yes I can still concentrate! It's something very little, but it means a lot to me. It contributes a lot to my sense of self.

I went to this Stewardship seminar with Redeemer last night, and it's really affirming to talk to Christian finance professionals. I can talk about my faith, as well as talk about money without feeling like a dork. People tend to be so uncomfortable talking about money, but for me (like many things I guess) I wish it was easier to just get to the point. I think it was Tim Keller who pointed out how people find it so much easier to talk about sex than to talk about money. Sure people talk about their sexual past, but I don't remember the last time I heard someone talk about how much they spent on clothes last year and how that compared to how much they gave to God.

It was scary, because I started thinking about how I wish I could be like these cool professionals doing ministry work at the same time. Maybe...maybe...even do financial counseling. I freaked myself out because I'd never even thought about it before. That would mean more schooling, probably at a seminary...wow, I thought, wow I can't believe I'm thinking like this!

Back to the song about sandy land. Jesus is my rock foundation (at least I like to think so), but He can be so all mysterious and hazy sometimes. And I think Beth Moore's post is challenging me to stay within that. And in that haze, it's almost like I can do absolutely anything...it's irritating and wonderful at the same time.

6 months

I realized that I haven't really acknowledged how I've been 6 months out of school now. I already feel like a different person. I think for the first time I'm feeling the first fruits of the transition, with all of its struggles. It doesn't mean I got it all down pat or that I'm perfect or I will never struggle with the meaninglessness and solitude of life again, just that I've been through a lot and it's starting to show in the right ways. I'm making it through by the sheer grace of God, transforming my iniquities for His purposes.

It's a great feeling to have that one of the major transitions in my life is somewhat over. I am a working young adult with a daily routine and I'm on the train 2 hours a day and I read my WSJ that's on my front patio every morning and I worry about the dishes and having a clean bathroom. There's no turning back, I will never be a college student again (b-school will definitely NOT be the same), and for the first time, that's a positive in my mind. Not by stressing the negative of being a student nor the positive of being an adult, just really starting to rest in the fact that I am where I'm at right now because God likes me there, and that's just fine.

The rest of my group left work hours ago, so I'm gonna just go as well. haHA, freedom ftw!

Pure

I realized I didn't really think about the conference much before I had gone. It was just this block of time that I had set apart, and I was content in not knowing of what I would want to happen in that time. It's freeing to be able to approach events like this, no details, no plans, especially when the event delivers.

So I guess that's really what I learned and enjoyed at Pure - freedom. I was free to laugh, cry, talk, sing, dance, jump, knit, and sometimes shout with unusual abandon. I was free to sound foolish, and free to offer wisdom. Free to be alone, free to be surrounded (like literally) by my sisters. Free to be young, free to be old. Free to love, and free to voice hate so as to repent.

Paige Brown had an illustration of a water bottle knocking over and everything spilling on the floor. Why's the water on the floor? Because there was water in the bottle. There are situations in life that cause the bottle to knock over, but whatever ends up on the floor is because it was in the bottle to begin with. Obviously this is a broadly used idea, but the visual of the water all over the floor is compelling to me. So I guess, I felt free and safe enough at Pure to knock the bottle over myself to see, show and discuss what comes out. Seeing that for others as well, some women who I would never have thought I would even totally relate to, was so encouraging.

Maybe this sounds really intense, like counseling, but it wasn't counseling. It was just fellowship. No one was there to fix one another, we were there for the Lord. And it wasn't intense in that stressful way when you're feeling really broken, it was peaceful, calm, rest in the Lord. It helped that all the ladies weren't freaking out and buckling down under the weight of their own sin, they were offering it to God and asking why? Struggling with God instead of themselves.

At so many points, I just felt soooooo loved by God, that I couldn't believe how stupid I was and am and probably will be in not trusting His wisdom, strength, and worthiness. It's been awhile since I've felt so completely vindicated and redeemed. (Another Paige Brown-ism) Looked at the cross and said Am I that bad? YES! Am I that loved? YES!

My life in school had so many seasonal weekends away from the city between all the leadership retreats and Nav retreats. And I think I had forgotten how one weekend can do the work of several months in the Spirit. How Penn State 2004 had set the course for a changed life for me and that was only 3 days, no extended weekend needed. Out of any other retreat I've gone to, I remember the most details from this one, even now. I can't even remember what I did for free time last year in Vermont, but I remember the songs we sang and where I sat for worship at Penn State. I remember I slept in this heavenly, soft bed (probably the best bed I've ever slept in) next to Stephanie D. I remember Dan Brown throwing a pile of leaves on my car (with the windows open) and subsequently losing his wallet, and finding it in the dark later. From then on, my car has always had fall leaves somewhere in it at whatever time of year. I remember Nicole T talking about wanting to be the prince on the white horse and marveling at the thought that some women didn't want men to open the door for them (wtf?). I remember reading Revelations (for Con West) while people were almost dying in caves somewhere. I remember Mike Chen and Tyler being amazed at my mad skillz at lying to them. I remember that the alum and random older people outnumbered the freshmen.

Unstuck in Time

First of all, I got this today from a fellow worker. Thought I'd share.

Secondly, I had another one of those I-could-write-a-writing-the-essay-paper-about-this trains of thought recently. I warn you that this is going to sound incomplete, only because I'm not really connecting my thoughts, and really I don't have a point. Such is the freedom of blogs and not being in school ^_^.

Here's another quote from Sallie Culbreth :
People get discouraged because of the enormity of what lies ahead. Recovery is a huge undertaking that you may not even take the first step toward because it seems pointless. That's one of those lies that you must aggressively talk back to. No - you won't get there today or tomorrow, but you WILL get there eventually if you keep focused on those small victories, those courageous steps, and those tiny celebrations of joy that you find along the way.

I would argue Sallie is a little too people centric sometimes (she's all about the warrior metaphor with all its fighting and empowerment), but the newsletter that this came from was really encouraging. She's obviously talking about abuse recovery here, but really we're all recovering from the fall. We are all coping with a broken world.

I saw Donnie Darko recently. At the same time I've been reading Slaughterhouse Five. And it's weird that both have those themes of being unstuck in time. In the book, Billy Pilgrim learns how to view life not as sequential moments in time but instead just an amalgation of all those moments. So, if someone is dead at one moment, you don't see them as just dead, because they were a perfectly alive person for so many other moments in their life. However, Donnie still keeps the sequential element of moments intact, though the manipulation of those moments to the betterment of life is also at play. Donnie believes that God controls our paths in time, but in the end he chooses to do something that ultimately makes him take the place of God, by skipping out on Him somehow. Overall though, the movie dealt with the fear of being alone driving the need to believe in God.

This all made me think of what I had heard somewhere before (forget where), that God (the Father I suppose) doesn't necessarily view time as sequential. He is the same God of all times and all places, so he probably views time more like the way Billy was learning to view time. To us one moment of pain can seem endless, but God sees the entirety of our lives and His plan for us. He has the ultimate perfect perspective of time. But He can completely relate to our point of view because He became a man who experienced a sequential life, yet was still God and had supernatural knowledge of other moments in His life and everyone else's.

The way Billy sees time though, is missing God, so life ends up meaning nothing. Nothing but the momentary joys and beauty. It has no purpose.

Well, I haven't finished Slaughterhouse Five so I couldn't fully incorporate the book, but the themes are probably relevant. It's times like these that I wish I could write better. I kind of get to understand the whole idea of creating something new with old ideas. Alas, I hit my peak in the 5th grade (last time I was really praised for my writing and encouraged to develop it). I forget sometimes that I used to want to be an Editor, as recently as sophomore year in high school. Not that I regret my choice, but it's nice to realize that my brain can still work well within other subjects aside from business.

Habit and Routine

As I was going about my morning, I had this odd sensation. Even though I was coming off of a weekend (an unusual weekend at that), I didn't feel this huge burden of remorse and dread that it was 6am and the sun had not risen, or that the water changed temperature a third time while I was in the shower, or that I needed to go to work on what is generally considered a holiday. I wasn't like, completely thrilled about it, but there's this sense of safety and comfort in a routine. It's like in science, we don't really know anything for sure, but the fact that something has been done thousands of times and the same result has happened makes us feel a little more sure of something. There's just something about the predictability of the process that starts with me waking up and somehow ending up sitting at my desk.

The whole thing is riddled with decisions too. Decisions that I made a long time ago, that aren't necessarily the most efficient way of doing things. When I was younger, I used to wonder whether I was really taught how to soap myself properly, whether I was completely wrong and completely disadvantaged because I was taught our maids instead of my parents. Was there an American way of doing things that I was completely missing? Of course, who the f cares about that stuff now, but I think it's pretty amazing that a decision I made years ago about how to do any of things I do to get ready in the morning could still be in effect now. It's really amazing how habits form and from then on are completely automatic. Like, I never really think about why I use Head and Shoulders, then a current shampoo, then a conditioner. But if I think back, I remember it was because I had really awful, unhealthy hair when I used to color it and had some bad flaking going on.

And so it goes spiritually speaking. I was really pleased (I'm sorry, that just seems like the right word for it) that Tim Keller preached on repentance yesterday. I think the most striking statement he made was that we have no more reasons to screw up. There are no more reasons to fear and be anxious because of God's love, and there are no more reasons to be proud and arrogant because of knowing who you really are, thus no reasons to break God's heart. He just made it sound so freeing and easy. Way too often, I think about Christian living as a religion, as obligations, as duty but really it's the freedom to be good, nice, MYSELF without insecurity and/or hubris. Christian living is automatic and self-renewing.

A Different Friday

Ok, ok, I know it's a little demented, but I keep noticing all the sad trader pictures they have and think, wait a second, what if they really were just rubbing their eyes, what if they ALWAYS look like that because being a trader sucks. Then I found this. I tell ya, Google Reader can be so negative.

I'm kinda having a different day today because I got to come into the NY office. Usually, the only advantage of that is I sleep 45 more minutes (which is a great advantage indeed), but today I got to stay in a "Hoteling Room" where guest employees can login. There's a window and it's toward a part of the building that's not blocked and it opens to a patio area with plants. I see birds flying by once and awhile. And because I'm in a room, I can have pandora on. I just had a moment before writing this with a feeling of this must be how it is to be a writer or some self-employed person.

I got a bit of work to do today. I hope it ends up looking cool and being fruitful.

Idols and Home Life

Ok, so I'm still thinking about money a little today. Really, truly though, please read what Ramit has to say. If you read anything from this guy read this post. It's really interesting to see what he has to say about money. Considering the thought that money usually flows easiest to things we most love and treasure, the things we idolize, what he says implies that we're not even wise enough to idolize those things correctly. So not only are we foolish to store our treasures here instead of in heaven, we are even more foolish because we don't even stay consistent with our own desires. Just a thought...

I definitely do not regret leading a Bible Study on Saturday mornings. "Let's be clear!" (haha) But I am looking forward to getting to sleep in for the first time in weeks this Saturday!!! I also look forward to cooking myself a big breakfast, and watching VH1's Top 20 Countdown. I also look forward to finally finishing off our painting job, and perhaps repairing the awesome stickers I wanted to use that have since tragically fallen off (trust me, it's tragic to me). I look forward to doing these things without feeling guilty about it because I'm sick or something and I probably should be sleeping instead of paying attention to household things (some of which, I just have to mention in passive aggressive fashion, is not my duty to begin with). I might even friggin' clean the bathroom and take out the mountain of recycling I'm sooo excited. I think I'm just tired of feeling guilty about it, while no action has been taken at all by anyone. The J in me flares up beyond reason.

Life is Repentance (Rejoicing)

I was thinking recently about how grateful I am for my job(!). Yes, it caught me by surprise as well. If I really sit down and think about it, I am grateful for how clear it is to me that I need to be here (though God chooses to hide the exact reasons). I've learned a lot about depending on Christ. I've learned a lot about myself.

Actually, I really remember this whole, newly profound level of dependence on Christ idea hitting me around August/September 2007. I remember talking to Megan S on the phone during a long, routine walk home (when we still lived in the 23rd St apartment). I had my concentration set on this whole transition from college to not-in-school. I was asking her about how she managed to create community for herself in Christ Church while maintaining Navs in her life, because I was attending and trying to do the same at Astoria Community Church. We were talking about the lack of community in general, and how the loss of Navs the way we knew it is a way to figure out how powerful communion with the Holy Spirit can be...something to that effect. Really though, I felt like shit about the whole idea and how it was going to be and how hard it was to get used to. How to get used to a life change.

And since that time (about a year ago), boy have there been some dramatic changes in my life. From the very obvious to the very subtle. And it's weird to realize that throughout it all, all I was trying to figure out was this basic idea of repentance. Of course, like most of you, I thought, heck ya I know what that is, I'm a Christian. I can point to things and say, see I have repented, look at how much my life has changed! Look at how much God has empowered me to do the things I've done. See, God is definitely in communion with me and definitely in my life.

Andrea had handed me this Redeemer study titled "How the Gospel Changes You" around end of July. It was all about idols and repentance, and I thought, alright, alright, let me just read through this. It ended up being a major theme in my thoughts, prayers, and the way I related to people.

The thing is, alright, I understand the need to bow before God, understand who He really is and understand who I'm really not. Think of the magnitude of my full out rebellion against the God of the universe. No excuses, that was a choice I full out made. And then applying the idea that the triune God loved me enough to die for me, to chase after me, to tear His life apart and put it back together with me in it. This should in turn make us rejoice. Sing Amazing Grace, and shout hallelujah. (This part however rarely happens to me) But the thing I missed almost completely, that I don't think I ever thought about until I read the Redeemer study, was the need to PRAISE God. How it is physically, mentally, emotionally, soulfully impossible to rejoice, without giving praise to the One who makes it possible. We were meant to praise God, therefore if we do not do it, we cannot claim the gift we are meant to receive. It's as if I walked around saying, yes I'm Toti's (my father's) daughter, but never even gave him a call, never talked to him for years. I may always be Toti's daughter, that never changes, but there's that difference between a legal relationship and a personal relationship. I may always be his daughter, but do I love him? It's the same with the Father.

So in applying all that, I try to praise God everyday, and hopefully someday I can praise God all the time. Not that I'm great at it mind you, but I try. Even if it's a dry "God you are awesome." The exercise is good for my soul. "However important [growing my character] may be, this process of repentance trains us in habits of the soul that are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God." (from a 1 John Redeemer study). As Tim Keller says about relationships "Love is an action first, a feeling second." How could we expect any more from ourselves in our relationship with God? If loving God and being in a relationship with Him means forcing myself to sing a hymn, say a prayer, or read out stale sounding words, I'm going to freaking do it because it was what I was made to do. Like with most things, the focus isn't on receiving or even giving with excellence (that's covered by God in His covenant with us), really the focus is who you're giving to. That's what eros is, and that's the metaphor God likes to use with Christ as the groom and the Church as the bride.

Whew, that was a lot. But really it's been churning in my head for such a long time, it's the culmination of a lot of material read, sermons heard, conversations had, and feelings felt.

Btw, I think swearing off Google Reader is actually helping in a way I didn't fully expect. My life is really a lot less negative on a regular basis. Of course the negativity isn't Google Reader's fault per se, I just don't know how to subscribe to the less biased things without hearing about news no one else pays attention to. It's the blogging culture of the internet I suppose. Kind of how people rely on most of their news from late night TV which makes fun of everything, only on a grander scale. Also, I'd read Google Reader for most of my day which is more than the Bible, more than any other reading material. I think I just have to limit it to like an hour a day or something.

REJOICE!

What Yelling the Truth at Yourself Accomplishes

"All The Trees Of The Field Will Clap Their Hands" - Sufjan Stevens
If I am alive this time next year Will I have arrived in time to share? Mine is about as good this far/ I'm still applied to what you are And I'm joining all my thoughts to you And I'm preparing every part for you/ I heard from the trees a great parade And I heard from the hills a band was made Will I be invited to the sound? Will I be a part of what you've made?/ And I am throwing all my thoughts away And I'm destroying every bet I've made And I am joining all my thoughts to you And I'm preparing every part for you

I've owned this song for a few years now (and have had it in my iPod all that time), and I honestly never really listened to what it was saying. It's weird that in conjunction with everything going on in the market (the loss of hope, the panic, the fear), is when I get to the head of the beast that I'm dealing with and oh like in a video game, the mega boss is harder than I thought and I'm using everything I have to throw at it. Well, I choose Hope damn it! I choose Love! I choose to be loved by God, to be taken, pruned, cherished by Him. To commit myself to Him.

"The energy you could spend on a life that reflects the sacredness and dignity of God gave to you is instead spent in chaotic, circular patterns that go nowhere." From a (free!) weekly newsletter I get from Committed To Freedom that Andrea is involved with. They're also the ones who give the seminars at Redeemer every year in July, which I've been to as well.

Reading Redeeming Love, it's interesting to see myself in both the prostitute and the farmer. I always remember what Justin Moffat had said about how interesting is it that Jesus always rebukes the strong and encourages the weak, and how we're both at the same time. People are just complicated.

"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming." - Helen Keller (also from Committed To Freedom)