Back to the familiar yet very different

It's been a tumultuous 2 weeks for me at work. I've been on the bench since I left the previous client end of January. Generally, this means being put to work on small tasks that need to be done for my company, but also freaking out about where you're going next and about how your next interview is going to go. I was lucky enough to only go through 2 interviews and am going back to the first client I had in Jersey City, but on a very different project. I'll be working more as a Project Lead, meaning holding and chairing meetings, making a project plan, writing specifications documents, and generally making sure everyone is doing what they're supposed to do. It's beyond everything I've ever done, and the environment there is not very project friendly either. People drag their feet, there's lots of politics. I was terrified of the interviews because I felt this guilt that I wasn't able to do what they were talking about. If ya'll remember, I didn't do much at this client, and I was playing out scenarios in my head of being exposed as a fraud, an idiot, someone completely incompetent. I felt like crying numerous times, especially when I was just sitting in an office with barely anything to do and it's all I could think about.

During that time, God was definitely trying to speak to me. Ben counseled me well and was brave to wave through the emotional mess. There were random resources that showed up like when Scott Sauls tweeted: "A guilty conscience is more terrified by imagined dangers, than a pure conscience is by real ones (John Flavel)" I realized that I was scared because of guilt. I realized that as a child of God, I have nothing to be ashamed of, and that even the worse of myself won't come up in any interview ever in my life, but the Lord of the universe would always know, and always accept me. It's also revealing to me how much I don't hear or listen to God Himself and I cling to the lesser things that he speaks through. Obviously, that has to change.

At the same time, my internal manager was bringing up somethings from the previous client. He was saying how I wasn't performing as well as another co-worker. This really bummed me out, because the other co-worker was crazy about work, to the point of idolatry. She came in at 8:15am and left at 7pm-7:30pm (at least!) daily and partied with the client every week. There's nothing wrong with these things in moderation, but I DID NOT want to be like her. And I was trying to be as honest as I could with my manager about how unfair this felt especially since the review was during the ramp up to my wedding. But he was abrupt and harsh and rebutted on certain things I said without acknowledging the points I conceded to, which I'm not used to from him. It sucks that it had to all happen with email, which is the brunt of the problem, I guess. He's off somewhere at a client, I can't just walk into his office and talk. He usually loves me. I usually trust his judgment. That's been broken now, and I'm not sure how to proceed. This guy is in charge of my development and is the person who makes suggestions to the partners about my raise, my bonus, my promotion or lack thereof. It's all very similar to sanctification, without the safety and love of the covenant. I felt even more exposed and incompetent. Again, I felt like quitting. Ben made a good point saying that it was very stereotypically male. "Just suck it up!" was what I felt like he was saying, without acknowledging anything reasonable nor emotional. That's just really dissatisfying from someone who wields a lot of power over you. It's also not the best way to motivate me nor gain my obedience. It's so different from Jesus. Not that that's surprising, just that it will be a frustration from my work, I think, for the rest of my corporate life. Corporate America was built by men for men for a majority of its existence, it's a real challenge to break through that.

It's funny that while I was waiting to hear back from this client, I was given a little carrot. They setup an interview with Barclays, which would've been in an old Lehman building 5 blocks from home. The same building I thought I'd work in for Internal Audit. And they were looking for someone with good Excel skills. The manager was pilipino. It would've been a slam dunk for me, but obviously God had other plans. Plans that are more challenging, but probably more rewarding.

Having said all that, below are the things I'm looking forward to:
-Having my personal space and my own cubicle again
-Having access to a mall when I need to go to a mall...as well as Target
-Eating at a Food Court for my Friday lunches
-Taking the PATH train, the most reliable train system I've used to date
-Longer commute (than just going to 23rd St) actually means more reading for me!
-The commute still only 30 minutes!!! AMAZING!

Prayer

Ben and I recently started this Redeemer class called on the "Psalms of David" which is taught by Marty Young, a ridic teacher. I've never had access to someone who could give a satisfying answer to a gamut of hard questions about the Bible. I've taken a few of his classes before on "Becoming Wise" which is about wisdom literature in the Bible and the "Resurrection" which changed the way I thought about the Resurrection. Mainly, I've come to really appreciate his classes because of both the structure and chaos it brings. Structure because there is at least a certain area we can talk about, but chaos in how surprising it is, and how it makes me think, WOW, I don't really know God or the Word at all do I?! Sometimes you really need that jolt of reality that really communicates the raw offensiveness of the Word of God for sinners like us. If it stops being offensive, I've made a false god that molds to my thoughts and wants instead of the real God who challenges my idols and molds me to His image (WHOA!).

Anyhoo, so Marty talked about how Biblical prayer is not praying for things or means to things, it's all about praying for the will of God. When we pray for something, what exactly are we praying for? What is the object of my prayer? Is the object of my prayer God? To be quite honest, I RARELY pray because of God. Most of the time, I'm praying because I feel bad and I want to feel good again. It was so convicting seeing how rampant this was in my life. For example, I may be praying for work or wisdom at my job, but why? For His glory? NO usually it's for my own glory, so that I get a promotion and a bonus down the road, so that I can feel like I'm doing something. Even asking for absolutely good things like an apartment for Ben and I, or good weather on our wedding day is not Biblical if the reason behind it is for my own comfort, joy, peace, etc. Which absolutely makes sense if you sat down and thought about it, but I am so blind to the dealings of my heart. Do I really love God for God, which is the love God asks for, or do I love Him because of the stuff I get out of Him? Do I love God because He is good, or is it because He's good to me?

Loving God because He's good to me is not a bad thing of course, it just shouldn't be the only reason why. How weird would it be to say that I love Ben because of all the things he does for me, but never really pay attention to who he is and what he likes and loves?

Now, Marty said something regarding these un-Biblical prayers, that I don't know what to think about quite yet. He said that they are all unheard, not just unanswered, but unheard. His reasoning was that because God is so holy, he doesn't let things that are not holy into his presence. However, I think about how the Holy Spirit is our intercessor, and our prayers are heard through faith in Christ Jesus who is most righteous and holy. I wish he had given some more backing to this, but then, no one really pushed him on this issue (probably because everyone was feeling the conviction of what he just said about 90% of the prayers out there), and I hope it comes up again.

To further this point though, I think the main thing is just recognizing that even our very prayers are inadequate and are like dirty rags before the Father. But because the Son has died and rose again on our behalf, His righteousness is upon us and we must rely on Him for all things. We need to pray for His will to be done, not ours.

God's working on it, seriously!

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." - Galileo

I got this from one of those Committed to Freedom emails I get. I like how the quote highlights the fact that once you've found it, you've found it. I think I waste a lot of time running in circles instead of being in active discovery. The times when I'm most confused are usually the times I feel most far away from God. Nevermind that he's promised to be always there, literally over and over and over again (Genesis 5:18, Isaiah 49:15-16, Psalm 6:9, Psalm 91:15, etc.) but emotions kind of take over as if it were reality. I think amidst all this confusion, it's really easy to forget what you're looking for. What's the point of your sorrow? It shouldn't be wasted in despair and fear, but be used to create the fruit of the Spirit within us. This fruit can only be granted by God. Oftentimes though, I don't even ask for the fruit, I ask for an explanation, thinking this will relieve the confusion. But God doesn't want me to rely on myself, He wants me to be utterly dependent on Him, because that is my true identity. There is no other complete and wise Xaris but the one who abides in Jesus Christ.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." - James 1:2-8

Healthy Weight Loss plus Nouwen/Love/Loneliness

So I've lost about 10 lbs now, using the The Daily Plate. I'm amazed at how easy it has been for me to do, just because it's very convenient being at a computer all day. This is the graph of my progress (but because I'm a lady, I'm not going to publish the numbers that correspond ;-p). Weekends I usually don't log stuff in, and you can tell by the graph because it'll be the lowest weight I've ever been and then on Monday it goes up. Also a lot of the net calories on Fridays are weird, because I usually didn't finish off the day. But so far the process has really worked out overall as a balance between watching what I eat, and yet still being able to eat cookies ^_^. It's cool to see that a decrease in net calories (either eating less or exercising some off) really leads to a decrease in weight. Also, there's that huge loss on March 6th only because I finally got a weigh scale from craigslist and started to weigh myself every weekday.


Started reading "Reaching Out" by Henri Nouwen. Some really convicting quotes:

"Friendship and love cannot develop in the form of an anxious clinging to each other. They ask for gentle fearless space in which we can move to and from each other. As long as our loneliness brings us together with the hope that together we no longer will be alone, we castigate each other with our unfulfilled and unrealistic desires for oneness, inner tranquility and the uninterrupted experience of communion."

"But real oppenness to each other also means a real closedness, because only he who can hold a secret can safely share his knowledge...An inimate relationship between people not only asks for mutual openness but also for mutual respectful protection of each other's uniqueness."

"There is a false form of honesty that suggests that nothing should remain hidden and that everything should be said, expressed and communicated. This honesty can be very harmful, and if it does not harm, it at least makes relationship flat, superficial, empty and often very boring."

GAH! I am just utterly struck by my need for the Gospel to be true, otherwise I collapse into nothingness. Otherwise, I demand intimacy from other people, and suck them dry. Well, lets hope I grew out of that somewhat, but at the end of the day, I still struggle with knowing what is appropriate to find in community and what to ultimately find in God.

One of the women in our Fellowship Group is currently pregnant and might give birth any day now. She was remarking on how weird it is that as an adult, she has experienced all kinds of love (parents, sibling, friendship, husband) and then you have a baby, and that's a completely new kind of love. I'm only 23, and have not experienced all the kinds she has, and I think the more love I experience from people, the more wisdom I must have in knowing how to deal with that. Like everytime I start loving another person or start loving a person more, I realize that it just means I need to love God all the more. It doesn't necessarily mean I demote the person in my life, it means I must place God higher than even that. I think that's how the Church of Christ is built up to become more and more like God. That's really hard to figure out, especially with a heart that's so selfish and sinful. You start to realize how high, wide and deep God's love is, and his capacity to love is infinitely greater than I'll ever get to. It's kind of like looking at my grandparents and knowing how much they gave up for their children and grandchildren, and thinking..man, could I do that?..but times infinity.

I didn't grow up with any deep friendships. And I think that has a lot to do with what God thought was best for my maturity. Things like that aren't just throwaway facts of a terrible childhood, but crafted by God to be that way for His own glory.

This idea brings hope and comfort, but it doesn't make the pain of the process go away. That's what makes counseling so necessary. And as Nouwen points out: "The real spiritual guide is the one who, instead of advising us what to do or whom to go offers us a chance to stay alone and take the risk of entering into our own experience." Basically, don't waste your sorrows and ultimately deal with loneliness by entering into it with just you and God, and use the opportunity to see more of God and His glory and love. It's surprising how faithfully God shows up when we truly ask Him to.

Flashbacks

I realized I kind of lose the real sense of time passing when I don't have major anchors to tell me so. I read some older posts of mine, just to find some kind of grounding. It seems to me my posts were just a little different. Thought I'd post some samples below:

"Ben got me reading this book 'Dynamics of the Spiritual Life: An Evangelical Theology of Renewal' by Richard Lovelace. Here's a good quote: 'The lifelong process of mortifying sin involves a gradual detection process by which the particular forms in which sin expresses itself in our lives, our characteristic flesh, are uncovered to our view. Some of this discovery of sin occurs early in our Christian lives, but the subtlety of indwelling sin is such that many of its deeper roots remain under the surface of consciousness, where they will continue to distort our lives if they are not uncovered later.'...Everyday is a constant spiritual struggle to hold fast onto Jesus. I feel too weak for the call of holiness, and I fear failure and letting people down. My life has changed dramatically and I fear that I can't handle this, despite all the encouragement from people who have said otherwise." from "Conformity"

"I completely know the answer to the question marks, but I still feel them. 'Was there, then, no strength in growing up? No solace in being an adult?' I was also reading Dynamics last night. And it was a part where he was talking about the Holy Spirit and the lack thereof in the church...He made an interesting point that the Holy Spirit is like being face to face with God, all the time. ALL THE TIME, face to face, YOU and GOD. After that I read some Puritan prayers about the Holy Spirit. Obviously, I've been having good times with the thought." from here

"'However important [growing my character] may be, this process of repentance trains us in habits of the soul that are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God.' (from a 1 John Redeemer study). As Tim Keller says about relationships "Love is an action first, a feeling second." How could we expect any more from ourselves in our relationship with God? If loving God and being in a relationship with Him means forcing myself to sing a hymn, say a prayer, or read out stale sounding words, I'm going to freaking do it because it was what I was made to do. Like with most things, the focus isn't on receiving or even giving with excellence (that's covered by God in His covenant with us), really the focus is who you're giving to. That's what eros is, and that's the metaphor God likes to use with Christ as the groom and the Church as the bride." from "Life is Repentance (Rejoicing)"

Processing (...and this is just one passage)

"Truth loves the light and is most beautiful when most naked."

The problem with truth is no one really has it. So everyone, as in every human being, runs around thinking they've got the "Truth" when really they've just got a little truth. Totally changing the quote in my header line to this, because I feel like a new season is upon me (haha who knows if it's true?). Besides, I like the idea of nakedness. Fun part of not being in school is the freedom to determine a season of life separate from semesters, quarters, breaks, and when things are due.

Blogging is difficult when you're going through a lot of stuff. I've been struggling with defining what would be helpful to process here. I find myself sincerely disinterested in writing a post and rushing one at the end of the day or not at all. Also, it's hard to fight that feeling of performance on here, considering apparently I have a larger audience than I thought. Remarkably however, though there is a lot to process, it hasn't been burdensome, and I remain grateful instead of angry. So great is the Lord's grace that has carried me through a lot to get to a point where I can be happy and joyful, even with the hard things in life. So great is His love and affection toward me...ME!

Hmmm...so let me discuss the following long ass quote from John Owen:
"Hatred of sin as sin, not only as galling or disquieting, a sense of the love of Christ in the cross, lie at the bottom of all true spiritual mortification. Now, it is certain that that which I speak of proceeds from self-love. Thou settest thyself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such a lust or sin; what is the reason of it? It disquiets thee, it hath taken away thy peace, it fills thy heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear; thou hast no rest because of it. Yea; but, friend, thou hast neglected prayer or reading; thou hast been vain and loose in thy conversation in other things, that have not been of the same nature with that lust wherewith thou art perplexed. These are no less sins and evils than those under which thou groanest. Jesus Christ bled for them also. Why dost thou not set thyself against them also? If thou hatest sin as sin, every evil way, thou wouldst be no less watchful against every thing that grieves and disquiets thine own soul. It is evident that thou contendest against sin merely because of thy own trouble by it. Would thy conscience be quiet under it, thou wouldst let it alone. Did it not disquiet thee, it should not be disquieted by thee. Now, canst thou think that God will set in with such hypocritical endeavours, -- that ever his Spirit will bear witness to the treachery and falsehood of thy spirit? Dost thou think he will ease thee of that which perplexeth thee, that thou mayst be at liberty to that which no less grieves him? No. Says God, "Here is one, if he could be rid of this lust I should never hear of him more; let him wrestle with this, or he is lost." Let not any man think to do his own work that will not do God's. God's work consists in universal obedience; to be freed of the present perplexity is their own only. Hence is that of the apostle, 2 Cor. 7:1, "Cleanse yourselves from all pollution of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God." If we will do any thing, we must do all things. So, then, it is not only an intense opposition to this or that peculiar lust, but a universal humble frame and temper of heart, with watchfulness over every evil and for the performance of every duty, that is accepted."


I used to think "Elder Son" was more of a danger for mature Christians like the Rick Warrens and Tim Kellers of this world. People who are not just part of a ministry but help found ministries and general do good throughout society. But I realized that isn't true at all. Jesus said that if you have hatred in your heart for another person, you have murdered them and that if you lust after someone who is not your spouse, then you have committed adultery. Why can't it be applied that if you even think that going to small group regularly, hanging out with Christian friends all the time, etc. can save you, then you are in fact being an "Elder Son", spitting on the Cross and mocking the blood of Christ.

If you haven't noticed I've been reading a lot about and by the Puritans. And it's making me think a lot about how I operate theologically, which of course influences my ideas about ministry and evangelism. Specifically, this passage makes me re-think my own experience processing the greatness of my sin (...that sounds like I'm implying I'm done, but we all know I'm absolutely not). I came into Navs with all my addictions, neediness and shame. When the true power of the Gospel was shown to me at the Penn State retreat of my freshman year, I confessed to God and those around me. I set myself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such lust and sin. And I hated sin as "galling or disquieting" and it filled my heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear. But I didn't hate sin for sin, I hated sin because I realized it was bad and out of a spirit of self-love, not because I thought God was good and that I loved Him. Because of this, I came back to sinning over and over again. And I was usually very surprised when the more obvious sins of my life came back. Like I thought I was over it. I went on like that for a few years because God said, "let [her] wrestle with this, or [s]he is lost".


Then, all of a sudden, I fell in love with God for who He is and what He had done, not because I wanted His peace and wanted to be seen as "good" and mature or I wanted to be well-liked by my Christian friends. It is truly the work of the Spirit and no one else. I can't pinpoint when the exact moment or season this happened, but it probably had something to do with counseling and starting to wrestle with God and just God, not my parents, not my friends, not even my idols. You can't trust anyone you don't know, and I was starting to know and trust God. God had called me to Himself.


I really like the point the passage makes about how much this twisted kind of mortification of sin is self-love and noticable with the neglect of every other thing in life that still have everything to do with our sinfulness. If I'm really working on not looking at porn anymore (and succeeding), but then don't daily read the Bible, don't pray unceasingily, don't go to church, drink to the point of incoherance or even just spending money freely without gratefulness to the God who gave it to me thinking I earned it, then what use is the one victory? What kind of heart could I have obeying God one way but blatantly and obstinately disobeying God every other way? What sucks is outwardly, I think I'm doing it right or at least I'm not that bad, that I'm being a Christian, but really I've just diverted my energies from an obvious sin to a more sinister and insidious and dangerous kind. Sin that can go on for the rest of my life un-challenged and all the while corrupting every part of me to the point that I won't be myself anymore. I'll be some other demented kind of person with no true self, for my true self is only in Christ.

By the true, powerful and redemptive grace of the Spirit, I'm in a better place, which is always good. But I would be a fool if I didn't look back and see how wrong I was all the times I thought I was alright and assume that I'm done. In fact, what's great about Owen is how he emphasizes that the mortification of sin is a lifelong, daily practice. It's a constant putting to death, with the understanding that indwelling sin will never be dead in this world. I am always capable of taking my temptations to the extreme, lustful thoughts to sex outside of marriage, bitterness to hate to murder. It is a constant, perpetual going to Jesus and letting the Spirit do its work. The paradox is the key and understanding it will take a lifetime. Nevertheless, the mortification of sin is work for believers (who have had a real encounter with Christ and a real surrender of their lives) to do, not people who don't hate sin for sin but in fact love it and relish in temptation and use the Gospel for their own ends of relief and self-justification.

I cannot believe how much I'm learning from Mortification of Sin. Everything that John Owen says may seem familiar, but no one, NO ONE, ever says it like this anymore. And it's not just the old English ^_^. It's weird to realize that I'm reading this now because I'm ready to read it and not at any other time was I ready for such truth to pierce my heart. (And I credit Ben for turning me on to it). I'm not done with the book yet, and I could write on and on for so many other passages. This is probably one of the most important books I've read in my life. Read it if you feel lead to.

I knew I was wrong

If you ever feel like you've got things handled, just read Mortification of Sin, and you'll quickly see the truth.

"Men that are sick and wounded under the power of lust make many applications for help; they cry to God when the perplexity of their thoughts overwhelms them, even to God do they cry, but are not delivered; in vain do they use many remedies, -- "they shall not be healed." So, Hos. 5:13, "Ephraim saw his sickness, and Judah his wound," and attempted sundry remedies: nothing will do until they come (verse 15) to "acknowledge their offence." Men may see their sickness and wounds, but yet, if they make not due applications, their cure will not be effected."

AND

"I think I need not say [mortification of sin] is not the dissimulation of a sin. When a man on some outward respects forsakes the practice of any sin, men perhaps may look on him as a changed man. God knows that to his former iniquity he hath added cursed hypocrisy, and is got in a safer path to hell than he was in before. He hath got another heart than he had, that is more cunning; not a new heart, that is more holy."

Well, crap. I simultaneously feel lazy with what I know I should do and busy with things that don't matter. It's truly amazing how it's showing me how truth is actually within me. As I read things, I know I knew it before. Almost as if I was waiting for him to write it out for me. But then once it's written out, BAM, oh right, I knew that. God's truth truly is sprinkled in the hearts of men (in Romans somewhere right?).

Sin is awful

I've been reading Mortification of Sin by John Owen. I think what's struck me the most so far is how he just really gets sin. He reminds you that there is absolutely nothing you can do for yourself and your salvation. How we are completely and utterly incapable of anything without Jesus. I think the farther I've gone on the road to sanctification, I always take more steps backwards when I stop thinking about how much I need Jesus and start thinking about the next "right thing" I've got to do. And that's just as bad as being one of the mockers, spitting at the Cross. Sin is deceitful like that.

Yet despair is of the same ilk. Indwelling sin may never leave us in this life, and despair and anger over this fact is made up of an insidious belief that you know better than God. Really, the same question should be asked at all times and to all saints at all points on the path to righteousness - Is Jesus your Lord and Savior?

I forget this all the time. I'm a real jerk when I'm doing the "right things," and really needy and emotionally unstable when I live in fear and sorrow. Yet I am continually redeemed.

"You are more flawed and lost than you ever dared believe, yet you can be more accepted and loved than you ever dared hope because Jesus lived and died in your place - Salvation is of the Lord."

Happiness is...

Ben and I made it to the new Jollibee by Little Manila in Queens last Saturday!!! Only, there was a long ass line so we didn't get to go in. BUT, I am insanely excited to have one so close to me for it is like the article says, Filipino soul food.

We also saw He's Just Not That Into You.....and oh my goodness, I never thought a secular chick flick could get it so close to the truth. Something that what said several times was something like, "If a guy wants to date you, he'll do anything he can to make it happen. If not, then get over it and move on." Such a simple idea, but sooooooo many implications. Seriously, what a frustrating problem of idolatry. The statement is simplistic and doesn't really offer much hope. But I think it was when I realized that this is a practical way to guard my heart, that I was free to love God more, to seek Him more. I figured out that if I didn't get confirmation of interest that I wasn't playing that emotional dating game anymore. No more phone calls, no more exclusivity, no more drama. And OMG, amidst the emotional anxiety and counseling, I just didn't need it. I'm not saying I'm not as crazy as Gigi (who is awkward in her desperation and needy-ness) anymore, because I very much back slide all the time, I'm saying if Jesus is my hope and my salvation, my sanctification is on track and I ain't so crazy all the friggin' time. Cause honestly, that's always a very real and weighty question. Is Jesus my Lord and Savior? It never goes away, single, dating or married. So basically, the movie lays out some basic truths that all modern, young women should think about.

101st Post

This is my 101st post on this blog. It feels like forever ago when I started it, when really it's only been about 6 months or something like that.

So since I wrote out some of my food rules on here (and trust me there was a lot more), I feel like I really gotta mention the flip side of being healthy, excercise.


I totally asked my mom to mail me her old Jane Fonda workout videos (as in VHS, yes I have a VCR)...some of which are older than me. I didn't want to spend money. All of these are pictured in this commercial. I wanted to get it out there, because I feel soooooo silly when I do it. Sooo silly that I just wanted everyone to know so that if you see me you can definitely ask, "Hey Xaris, how's your Jane Fonda stuff going?" Really, I just wanted to bring it out into the light so that my shame would be no more. So there!

"Monday, Monday...I wish it was Sunday"

I've like really hated Mondays. Always threatening me with a headache. Particularly, this Monday I am heavy with thoughts swirling in my head. I could use some prayer, friends.

Ben's been reading "The Mortification of Sin" by John Owen. Ben told me about how Owen emphasizes hating sin and how we don't really hate sin enough. I haven't read it myself, but I have thought about the casual way sin just goes in and out of my life..that's how I can describe it. Like there will be times when a particular lie creeps back into my life and like Eve, I believe it. I don't really think about the destruction, hurt, and cosmic let down sin is, not just to those it affects, but also to God. So in effect, our repentance can be predicated on not truly understanding what we did so wrong, and really just looking for relief from our guilt and shame. I mean, don't get me wrong, I think it's a good place to start, but not understanding sin is like not understanding God at all.

Sigh, yeah just been thinking about that. Will probably start reading John Owen too.

Last Sunday, Tim Keller gave the best sermon I've ever heard on the Gospel. As in a sermon about the Gospel itself, not like a certain aspect of it. I'm so glad I volunteered at the nursery yesterday, because I got the sermon for free ^_^. I might write more about it when I hear it again.

Food Rules

I've somewhat successfully been living out some rules I gave myself about food. I thought up these rules for both budgetary and health reasons. Slowly but surely these last few months I've been changing little habits, and I realized today how amazing it is that I'm happily eating a banana and not a 200 calorie (or worse) muffin off a street cart. It used to be really hard to resist a $1 muffin (or even a 75 cent bagel and cheese). Especially because it was only a dollar. Honestly though I don't think there has been a measurable improvement in health (unmeasurable would be my level of energy and general happiness), it has really worked on the financial side.

For example, first, I started bringing in my lunch and snacks to work 4 days a week. I say snacks, because those vending machine purchases can be really ridiculous when a) you could've gotten it for 80 cents cheaper buying in bulk at the grocery store; b) most foods (except maybe popcorn) from there are not healthy. After that I started replacing carb/sugar heavy snacks with fruit (I don't know if I'll ever be the type to eat celery or carrot sticks). I still have brie and crackers or those 110 calorie popcorn bags a couple times a week, but overall, I am amazed at how I don't really think about it anymore. It used to be really hard, especially since I work at a cube farm and around lunch time all kinds of awesome smells are floating around. It's also a lot easier to not buy a cookie, when I don't even leave my floor for lunch at all (vending machines on another floor and cafeteria downstairs once being temptation filled places).

For good and for bad, my co-worker Christine will invite me to walk down with her because she needs to buy lunch, and I usually don't get anything because I leave my wallet behind. It's a nice way for us to talk without everyone around us listening in. Unfortunately, one time I had a really strong reaction to the visual cues of a chocolate muffin sitting behind the glass at the cafeteria, and Christine impulsively bought it for me (I guess out of gratitude that I would walk down with her). She was unstoppable! GAH! My plan was foiled that day. I'm careful now not to even look at the things and distract myself with conversation when I'm with her. (Side note: When we went to the opera, Ben and I went to Carnegie Deli after the show and we sat right by the rotating cakes display. I was so distracted it was just ridiculous.)

It's still really hard to curb the feeling of hunger. But weirdly enough, because I fasted a few times (not for these reasons obviously, but spiritual ones), it kinda taught me to lose that sense of entitlement. Lose the sense that I should never be hungry. That's really ridiculous if you think about all the billions of people in the world who do go hungry. And something much more foundational, that man must not live by bread alone. So weird that I've basically had to re-create a reality with truths that I usually ignored. Totally making this process a part of sanctification.

I also figured out that it's impossible for me to go any lower than $300 a month for eating out. That's a lot I think, maybe not a lot for a single woman in NY, but it's a lot. And we're not talking about Chinese food or Subway here, I have good dinners out frequently and like really good dinners ($20-$30) at least twice a month. (umm...these are guesstimates and not based on my spreadsheets, though I did find out that I spend ~$20 on average every time I eat out). So I made a rule that I shouldn't eat out if I'm by myself or it should be below $10 AND splittable to 2 meals or below $5 (though that usually means it's unhealthy and I should avoid that). Those foot longs from Subway have been genius for this.

Another thing is I've changed my breakfasts to be high in protein. My doctor suggested this because of some study. Anyway, so I microwave some egg whites in a bowl and eat it with some lunch meat (currently pepperoni) and a cup of Skim Plus milk. I usually don't want to eat in the mornings (being that I'm unhappy that I'm awake), so I generally don't care what I'm eating, I just know I have to eat breakfast.

Fridays are my free days. That's when I can spend money on all three meals of the day (as well as a big M&M cookie that I snack on throughout the day ^_^). I usually get an omelet and sausage from the cafeteria and some chocolate milk in the morning. My office building is attached to the mall so I get to go to the food court for lunch. Then I usually go to a restaurant with Benny for dinner. Weekends, I still try to eat in when I'm alone, but usually I'm out and about. But after a whole week of not buying food (except for a couple nights when I eat with someone), I feel truly free to spend money on food on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

There are several more rules, but those are the broad ones. That seems really restrictive, but really I like giving myself rules to follow. Growing up, I didn't have any real rules pertaining to anything, much more food, so to be able to do this for myself as an adult making my own decisions, it's extremely satisfying to know exactly what to do in a given situation. And since it's been a slow add on, it hasn't been traumatic at all. And it's easier to make little changes since there's a framework I'm working off of.

Conformity

Due to different forces: my own sense of conformity, lack of xanga access at work, etc.; I've decided to create this blog. It's quite apropos really, I did just graduate and it's a good cut off point for xanga, which I remember I started because my girlfriends in high school wanted to keep in touch during college...se la vie.

Basic facts: My work is based in Jersey City, though I do come into Manhattan for meetings at times. The commute is about 1 hour.

Work has been good...before it's sunk in that this is real. This is my life. It doesn't help that I don't get much work to do around here, but really it's workings of the Spirit. I've probably made the subtlest change out of anyone I know who graduated. I didn't even move apartments, change roommates, change neighborhoods, change churches, change friends...nope, pretty much all similar. But definitely not the same, it's never the way you think it's going to be. People are always telling me that graduating from college is a big deal, and I think it took me awhile to let it sink into my flesh.

Ben got me reading this book "Dynamics of the Spiritual Life: An Evangelical Theology of Renewal" by Richard Lovelace. Here's a good quote: "The lifelong process of mortifying sin involves a gradual detection process by which the particular forms in which sin expresses itself in our lives, our characteristic flesh, are uncovered to our view. Some of this discovery of sin occurs early in our Christian lives, but the subtlety of indwelling sin is such that many of its deeper roots remain under the surface of consciousness, where they will continue to distort our lives if they are not uncovered later."

I sometimes long for the days when sanctification was easier, more cut-throat, whole limbs being thrown into the fire. "Oh, I should really stop doing that, it isn't healthy." But now I must be in lacroscopic surgery with the delicate instruments of prayer and the Word. Everyday is a constant spiritual struggle to hold fast onto Jesus. I feel too weak for the call of holiness, and I fear failure and letting people down. My life has changed dramatically and I fear that I can't handle this, despite all the encouragement from people who have said otherwise.

That being said, I know I'm making the right steps. It's daunting to fully realize the idea that this is hard, without being difficult. And everything is just going to take awhile, I have no control and completely dependent on Christ (despite my seeming independent living in the world).