It's been a tumultuous 2 weeks for me at work. I've been on the bench since I left the previous client end of January. Generally, this means being put to work on small tasks that need to be done for my company, but also freaking out about where you're going next and about how your next interview is going to go. I was lucky enough to only go through 2 interviews and am going back to the first client I had in Jersey City, but on a very different project. I'll be working more as a Project Lead, meaning holding and chairing meetings, making a project plan, writing specifications documents, and generally making sure everyone is doing what they're supposed to do. It's beyond everything I've ever done, and the environment there is not very project friendly either. People drag their feet, there's lots of politics. I was terrified of the interviews because I felt this guilt that I wasn't able to do what they were talking about. If ya'll remember, I didn't do much at this client, and I was playing out scenarios in my head of being exposed as a fraud, an idiot, someone completely incompetent. I felt like crying numerous times, especially when I was just sitting in an office with barely anything to do and it's all I could think about.
During that time, God was definitely trying to speak to me. Ben counseled me well and was brave to wave through the emotional mess. There were random resources that showed up like when Scott Sauls tweeted: "A guilty conscience is more terrified by imagined dangers, than a pure conscience is by real ones (John Flavel)" I realized that I was scared because of guilt. I realized that as a child of God, I have nothing to be ashamed of, and that even the worse of myself won't come up in any interview ever in my life, but the Lord of the universe would always know, and always accept me. It's also revealing to me how much I don't hear or listen to God Himself and I cling to the lesser things that he speaks through. Obviously, that has to change.
At the same time, my internal manager was bringing up somethings from the previous client. He was saying how I wasn't performing as well as another co-worker. This really bummed me out, because the other co-worker was crazy about work, to the point of idolatry. She came in at 8:15am and left at 7pm-7:30pm (at least!) daily and partied with the client every week. There's nothing wrong with these things in moderation, but I DID NOT want to be like her. And I was trying to be as honest as I could with my manager about how unfair this felt especially since the review was during the ramp up to my wedding. But he was abrupt and harsh and rebutted on certain things I said without acknowledging the points I conceded to, which I'm not used to from him. It sucks that it had to all happen with email, which is the brunt of the problem, I guess. He's off somewhere at a client, I can't just walk into his office and talk. He usually loves me. I usually trust his judgment. That's been broken now, and I'm not sure how to proceed. This guy is in charge of my development and is the person who makes suggestions to the partners about my raise, my bonus, my promotion or lack thereof. It's all very similar to sanctification, without the safety and love of the covenant. I felt even more exposed and incompetent. Again, I felt like quitting. Ben made a good point saying that it was very stereotypically male. "Just suck it up!" was what I felt like he was saying, without acknowledging anything reasonable nor emotional. That's just really dissatisfying from someone who wields a lot of power over you. It's also not the best way to motivate me nor gain my obedience. It's so different from Jesus. Not that that's surprising, just that it will be a frustration from my work, I think, for the rest of my corporate life. Corporate America was built by men for men for a majority of its existence, it's a real challenge to break through that.
It's funny that while I was waiting to hear back from this client, I was given a little carrot. They setup an interview with Barclays, which would've been in an old Lehman building 5 blocks from home. The same building I thought I'd work in for Internal Audit. And they were looking for someone with good Excel skills. The manager was pilipino. It would've been a slam dunk for me, but obviously God had other plans. Plans that are more challenging, but probably more rewarding.
Having said all that, below are the things I'm looking forward to:
-Having my personal space and my own cubicle again
-Having access to a mall when I need to go to a mall...as well as Target
-Eating at a Food Court for my Friday lunches
-Taking the PATH train, the most reliable train system I've used to date
-Longer commute (than just going to 23rd St) actually means more reading for me!
-The commute still only 30 minutes!!! AMAZING!
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