We are the weird ones

One of the annoying things about weddings/marriage is that most people have an opinion about it, and anyone who hears you're getting married suddenly wants to give you unwanted advice. This is way different than friends giving you an opinion, as that's completely normal and welcome, this is when random people, just because they think you're young and naive, just start telling you what you have to/should do. Boundaries, people, BOUNDARIES!

Unfortunately, I think Ben gets this stuff a lot more than me, not quite sure why (probably because I don't go to happy hour and you wouldn't normally talk about this in a corporate environment). The most annoying thing that keeps coming up since we graduated is, "Why don't you live together?" We've obviously been serious and all the more now that we're engaged (teehee understatement), so people generally just think, well, hey, you live an hour away from each other(!), why not just move in? I think what makes it most annoying is that if it really were that easy, then of course we would. But life ain't about being easy, it's about serving God, the Church, and those outside the Church. But again and again, we run into people who are surprised to find us "inconveniencing" ourselves, and the assumptions behind all assumptions is that we're in love and so we should do whatever we want. Get married, don't get married, move in together, don't move in if it's not convenient, have kids, don't have kids (ever), join your accounts or not, but above all else, of course you should definitely have sex. In fact, no sex is actually bad for you and just not healthy. You know what, we ARE in love, but we're not married yet and you don't really understand what love is if you think it means doing whatever you want or whatever "feels right". I think people who don't have a Biblical view of why we have marriage (and by that virtue dating) at all are just making stuff up, dependent on whatever is cool for our culture today.

I guess what's most annoying of all is that it wouldn't be such an issue if we didn't live in a city. It's just SO weird to find SO many people SO surprised as if we're the weird ones. These are all casual encounters btw, no one like that we're having a yelling match with or having weird conflict with because of it. It would just be nice to meet someone, for once, to meet someone who doesn't assume we're like the average engaged people in New York City. That when we say December won't say, "Wow! Of this year!" Or when they ask if we're moving in won't say "You should just do that now! It's so much easier!" Just so many unwanted opinions!

Lala again, and Being a Loner

I cannot believe it is only Tuesday. I'm battling this headache that has seemed to persist throughout yesterday and today. It tends to ebb and flow though.

Apparently it is really easy to embed a song or even an entire playlist from Lala to Blogger. I'm mucho excited at the possibilities. For you RSS readers out there, come to the site to check it out on the side bar.

I just cannot make friends with the young people I work with. As I sometimes do, I walked out with Christine to the mall today, because she was buying her lunch there. I had brought and already eaten my lunch, so this was purely just to chat a bit. Then we sit at a table with other Business Analysts/Senior Business Analysts we know. I'm never exposed to this crowd anymore. I haven't gone to their frequently scheduled happy hours for several months now. Why? Well, because I don't think I've got anything to talk with them about. All they ever do is make fun of each other and tell stories about their bouts of public drunken tom-foolery. I've really got nothing to add to that. The women also forever talk about the random cute guys they meet at bars or other similar venues. I may know all about being needy and desperate, but I've never been around people who have gone so far as to embrace it as what defines who they are. I just thought most people would be ashamed of it. This annoys me to say the least, and I feel like I have nothing in common with any of them.

Sometimes I think I talk to Christine only because she's pilipina, a commonality strong enough for us to talk about random things. Also, maybe because she's been in a relationship so long, she doesn't go on and on and on about boys and relationships. She's also had more experience and may be more mature in terms of work and life in general.

It's just frustrating that I get along better with the 40-something Joel, talking about the rental market in January and interest rates, than with these people my age. At the very least, it makes me feel like a loner everytime I'm forced to hang out with any of them outside of work. I wish work would be more like The Office sometimes. Maybe that's why I don't like watching it.

I guess I'm just not that person who's character, relationships, community, worth, happiness come from work. And that's a good thing.

Healthy Weight Loss plus Nouwen/Love/Loneliness

So I've lost about 10 lbs now, using the The Daily Plate. I'm amazed at how easy it has been for me to do, just because it's very convenient being at a computer all day. This is the graph of my progress (but because I'm a lady, I'm not going to publish the numbers that correspond ;-p). Weekends I usually don't log stuff in, and you can tell by the graph because it'll be the lowest weight I've ever been and then on Monday it goes up. Also a lot of the net calories on Fridays are weird, because I usually didn't finish off the day. But so far the process has really worked out overall as a balance between watching what I eat, and yet still being able to eat cookies ^_^. It's cool to see that a decrease in net calories (either eating less or exercising some off) really leads to a decrease in weight. Also, there's that huge loss on March 6th only because I finally got a weigh scale from craigslist and started to weigh myself every weekday.


Started reading "Reaching Out" by Henri Nouwen. Some really convicting quotes:

"Friendship and love cannot develop in the form of an anxious clinging to each other. They ask for gentle fearless space in which we can move to and from each other. As long as our loneliness brings us together with the hope that together we no longer will be alone, we castigate each other with our unfulfilled and unrealistic desires for oneness, inner tranquility and the uninterrupted experience of communion."

"But real oppenness to each other also means a real closedness, because only he who can hold a secret can safely share his knowledge...An inimate relationship between people not only asks for mutual openness but also for mutual respectful protection of each other's uniqueness."

"There is a false form of honesty that suggests that nothing should remain hidden and that everything should be said, expressed and communicated. This honesty can be very harmful, and if it does not harm, it at least makes relationship flat, superficial, empty and often very boring."

GAH! I am just utterly struck by my need for the Gospel to be true, otherwise I collapse into nothingness. Otherwise, I demand intimacy from other people, and suck them dry. Well, lets hope I grew out of that somewhat, but at the end of the day, I still struggle with knowing what is appropriate to find in community and what to ultimately find in God.

One of the women in our Fellowship Group is currently pregnant and might give birth any day now. She was remarking on how weird it is that as an adult, she has experienced all kinds of love (parents, sibling, friendship, husband) and then you have a baby, and that's a completely new kind of love. I'm only 23, and have not experienced all the kinds she has, and I think the more love I experience from people, the more wisdom I must have in knowing how to deal with that. Like everytime I start loving another person or start loving a person more, I realize that it just means I need to love God all the more. It doesn't necessarily mean I demote the person in my life, it means I must place God higher than even that. I think that's how the Church of Christ is built up to become more and more like God. That's really hard to figure out, especially with a heart that's so selfish and sinful. You start to realize how high, wide and deep God's love is, and his capacity to love is infinitely greater than I'll ever get to. It's kind of like looking at my grandparents and knowing how much they gave up for their children and grandchildren, and thinking..man, could I do that?..but times infinity.

I didn't grow up with any deep friendships. And I think that has a lot to do with what God thought was best for my maturity. Things like that aren't just throwaway facts of a terrible childhood, but crafted by God to be that way for His own glory.

This idea brings hope and comfort, but it doesn't make the pain of the process go away. That's what makes counseling so necessary. And as Nouwen points out: "The real spiritual guide is the one who, instead of advising us what to do or whom to go offers us a chance to stay alone and take the risk of entering into our own experience." Basically, don't waste your sorrows and ultimately deal with loneliness by entering into it with just you and God, and use the opportunity to see more of God and His glory and love. It's surprising how faithfully God shows up when we truly ask Him to.

Pictures!

Or as my papa would say "Freaktures". Anyhoo, Ben and I went to the Columbia College of Physicians and Surgeons Formal (or P&S...try saying that quickly...HAHA!) at the Harvard Club (in which, apparently, the Columbia Club resides as well). It was loosely Marid Gras-esque themed. Really there were a bunch of beads and masks (which I must admit were kind of really awesome, not just those plastic kinds at high school dances).

Here we are, looking scary....look at how the dark wood accentuates.

Normal.

I think the most fun thing about graduating is that you get to be your adult self meeting new people. Sure that kind of happens when you start college, but now it's a more fully formed personhood, instead of a shaky, unrooted one that's still largely tied to your childhood. One major thing is that a lot of the new people I meet connect me to Ben specifically, which is one thing I didn't really see coming about the transition. Probably mainly because I never had to. Imagine if you just met me today as I am...weird right? But just like anything, I guess, God shapes who I am and who I become, and people change all the time. I must have faith in His work in me.

ALSO, thought I'd share below is an album of the last Valentine's Day. Ben made some amazing mussels. Who knew these things were so easy to cook and cheap? My neighborhood is wonderful, we have a butcher, several bakers, a produce market, a fish monger, and the good ol' grocery store all in a one block radius. Going out to eat on Valentine's Day is definitely overrated...especially when that's a normal thing to do for us anyway and those pre-fixe meals are more expensive that they need to be.

Happiness is...

Ben and I made it to the new Jollibee by Little Manila in Queens last Saturday!!! Only, there was a long ass line so we didn't get to go in. BUT, I am insanely excited to have one so close to me for it is like the article says, Filipino soul food.

We also saw He's Just Not That Into You.....and oh my goodness, I never thought a secular chick flick could get it so close to the truth. Something that what said several times was something like, "If a guy wants to date you, he'll do anything he can to make it happen. If not, then get over it and move on." Such a simple idea, but sooooooo many implications. Seriously, what a frustrating problem of idolatry. The statement is simplistic and doesn't really offer much hope. But I think it was when I realized that this is a practical way to guard my heart, that I was free to love God more, to seek Him more. I figured out that if I didn't get confirmation of interest that I wasn't playing that emotional dating game anymore. No more phone calls, no more exclusivity, no more drama. And OMG, amidst the emotional anxiety and counseling, I just didn't need it. I'm not saying I'm not as crazy as Gigi (who is awkward in her desperation and needy-ness) anymore, because I very much back slide all the time, I'm saying if Jesus is my hope and my salvation, my sanctification is on track and I ain't so crazy all the friggin' time. Cause honestly, that's always a very real and weighty question. Is Jesus my Lord and Savior? It never goes away, single, dating or married. So basically, the movie lays out some basic truths that all modern, young women should think about.

On Friends and Happiness

First day back at work after a longer, less routine weekend is always really hard. Especially when I slept so weirdly. My brain/head is not liking me right now.

So I really can't believe I saw friends everyday this past weekend. In working life, it's really hard to have the energy and zeal I once was able to give to my friendships, most especially since I'm more of a one-on-one deep conversation type of gal. That's rough when you just want to let loose and have fun when you're not wearing a suit, or maybe you just want to wear jammies all day knitting at home. No more lunch dates, afternoon siestas, or late into the night sleepovers. It's one of those pieces of the transition that I definitely prepared myself for (made easier when the majority of the people I did these things with left the city before my Senior year). But it then makes me so grateful when I'm able to hang out with people in a big group, and I'm comfortable with everyone involved. It's such a blessing for an introvert with acute social anxiety to feel socially comfortable. I'm really impressed when plans end up actually happening, considering the city, individual schedules, individual temperaments toward planning (a majority of my friends are now Perceivers, in high school ALL my friends were Judgers....how did that happen?!?), and the emphasis on individuality in general.

We went to Amy Ruth's, this restaurant in Harlem known for their chicken and waffles (yes, together). Below is a picture that Sunday (Dan T's friend) took of us with his BBerry...I changed his life teaching him all about the Google apps he can use on it. Also, if you look at the picture slideshow, the first picture is of Ben and a fish in an aquarium at Red Lobster. It was sooooo cute because it came right up to us when we waved at it, then it looked directly at the camera when I took a picture. INSANE!

There was a lot to like about Obama's inaugural speech. But I think the thing I caught on to was what he said about needing to know ourselves before we could take on a challenge. Reminded me a lot of the need for repentance/rejoicing. I've had a lot of freak outs at this particular season in my life, but I find a lot of progress in the fact that I can actually think through it. I've been able to take a deep breath and actually take stock of where something is coming from or what am I actually reacting to. I would say, most of the time the answer lies in me not trusting Jesus. Not trusting that He is who He says He is. Obama talked about how Americans have the same creativity and productive force that it had last week, last month, last year. The Holy Trinity has been the same even before time began and forever and ever. And the Bible says I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So when I lose sight of Christ, so goes my self-assurance, my self-awareness, and my true self.

I meant to write about this last week, but it's been great to marinate over its themes on top of everything else that life has brought in the last few days. Like a tree drinking from the living water. A while ago, (I think like my Junior year), Ben told me about this sermon by Jonathan Edwards on Christian Happiness. He wrote it when he was like super young, as a teenager or something. I think I would say it has one of the most important messages a young, American Christian needs to hear. The thesis includes the three reasons why every Christian should be happy: "First, because no worldly evils can do him any real hurt; secondly, because of those advantages spiritual joys and satisfactions, he enjoys while here; and thirdly, more especially from the joyful hope and certain expectation, of the enjoyment of the perfection of happiness, eternally, hereafter." I don't think I can truly expound further, only because I haven't even finished it, but it's almost like, you don't have to if you're a Christian. You know this! If you love God, then you know God loved you first, you know nothing can truly hurt you, you know we can enjoy the most powerful and intimate relationship any human being can have in this world, you know that absolutely EVERYTHING will be perfect and MEANINGFUL in the end (from that toe nail that doesn't look right, to that friendship that devastated and failed you).

It's funny reading through it because it's like Edwards is just brimming with glee, talking about happiness. He just keeps going on and on about it. It leaves me feeling the conviction of not thinking about it all the time and giving into despair, at the same time empowering me to be the child of God I don't deserve to be, but through His sacrifice, truly am.

Sex and Dating

I'm afraid this isn't going to be as juicy as the title might suggest. Just some general thoughts from the last few days.

I saw Kinsey on Sunday. It presented a lot to be thought about. Mainly though, I thought it was cool to see the life of this man (however true to life it really is) who genuinely cared and oddly enough grew up to be as much of an elder son as his preacher father was, saving himself and others instead of acknowledging the Savior.

It was also interesting to see that because he embarked on this project to measure sex in a scientific way, it made him wrestle with real questions more. He was adamant about sex being just animal behavior, but later on, it was hard to ignore the things that pointed to the realness of sex on more than just the natural level.

I also saw this article in the NY Times today. He just talks about the trend in young people nowadays to casually hook up, not with strangers but with friends, and only later if you really like the person deciding to date. He mentions how it emphasizes the friend groups (since no one is exclusive in this model), so no one feels left out if their not dating. It's amazingly brief for such a subject (much like this post is going to be). Like this quote: "So why is there an increase in hooking up? According to Professor Bogle, it’s: the collapse of advanced planning, lopsided gender ratios on campus, delaying marriage, relaxing values and sheer momentum." He says a lot in so little.

Christians could easily be really judgmental, obviously. Oh, these people not taking sex seriously. But for serious, young Christian communities have our own version of "hooking up", the deep emotional one. Living the Christian life is not so much about the behavior, but the heart behind the behavior. It seems NO ONE takes this seriously enough (however, I think that's how God's Law, can be this tool of grace and love, protecting us from hurting one another). I've certainly blogged about emotional dating before (in my xanga account), so I don't need to again. Just thought I'd tie it in to the subject.

Having never really dated anyone besides Ben, of course, I'm fascinated by the wide continuum that people are on when it comes to dating, especially since I'm in a very specific place in that continuum - the serious relationship. So having only experienced the two extremes it kind of taints my perspective, I admit. Some people casually date, just cause it's fun and you get to know cool people. According to the article people have started to replace that with casually having sex for the same reasons. I have to be honest in saying that I'm a little uncomfortable with anything that has to do with the possibility of marriage being casual. Besides, shouldn't the reason for dating be a Godly one, just like for anything else we do? The reason for relationships of any kind for that matter? I am committed to my family because they are who God gave me to serve. I love my friends because God loves me and has changed me, not because I'm just that cool and was born that way. I date Ben because God seems intent in using each of us for each other's sanctification and journey towards Him.

Again though, I must say, not knowing anything aside from what I have experienced, I hardly have a balanced perspective I'd like y'all's thoughts on it...leave me some sugar on the comments page.