Better Loser than a Winner

I've been a little sick, and for the first time in a long time, I can afford to stay home, because I have enough days to take that time off. Mainly because I've been working like a mad woman on this project. Worstly, the weekends I worked are apparently not even going to be reimbursed in any tangible way...but that's another subject entirely.

I watched Bridesmaids this weekend with one of my bestest friends and bridesmaids :). By the way it was as good as all the hype suggests. It was insanely hilarious. It's honestly a bad title though, since it was less about wedding madness and more about women friendships and all the insecurities and affirmations that go along with that. It kinda really affirms how without our friendships, especially the female ones, we easily become emotionally and spiritually dead. It's important within God's plan of community formation to have friendships that go deep.

Anyway, what weirded me out a little bit, was how much I kinda wish I was going through a crisis like the main character, Annie, does. I wish I was in a position that someone has to really slap me around to get my act together. In a lot of ways, I find myself to be a better loser than a winner.

I can honestly say I had no real friends until college. I'm not saying I was friendless, but my friends before then were friends out of survival. We had the same classes/interests/test scores, so I stuck around with them on social occasions so I could be as "normal" as possible. But it's not like I felt like anyone would want to hang out with me or me with them after school. This reverberates through to my life today, as I still get acute social anxiety when I'm going to a party or even just hanging out with some people. Even though it's painful to work through the fear (it's so silly fear of what? not being liked!), I'm more comfortable in this uphill battle.

Never would I have ever imagined that I'd be in a city like New York. I've lived here non-stop (except for week-2 week vacations) for almost 7 years now. On top of that, I would never have imagined that I would be so stable. I've stayed employed through one of the worst financial crises in history. I bitch and moan about my job, but man it's stable. Not only is it stable, but I'm thriving in it. I've been promoted twice, I get a good bonus, I have six months saved up. I support my husband. Even with all the politics I have to deal with, in general everyone at work likes me. Redeemer feels like my home church, and I've been there long enough to plant some roots and recognize the people around me, from babies to the more senior and the majority that is in between. I meet up with friends and they want to meet with me too. My husband is loving, kind, and cares about my character. If you told me this would happen, even just 4 years ago, I would find it very hard to believe. This is what I would've termed as being a winner.

Tim Keller had a sermon my freshman year about the two great tests of life. One test is when things are going really shitty, and one test is when everything is going really well for you. I remember him saying that the latter is the more dangerous one, since it leaves you less needy. Less needy means less room for Christ. On top of that, the Gospel teaches me that I'm both a loser saved by grace, and a winner wearing the righteousness of Christ.

Just like any sinner, I have my preferences on which side of the Gospel I want to emphasize in my life. Being a loser is clearer to me. I know better how to analyze my life and find the specific sins, and work through in counseling the solutions. I play the victim very well, and also the savior very well. Then I realize I'm saving myself, and then EVENTUALLY, find that the Lord has bound me up like a sheep and saved me despite myself. This is comfortable, this is normal based on the previous 2 decades of my life. Depression, anxiety, and trials are a gift from God.

But what about the place where things are going well. I feel I am in muddier waters. What is it like to live life in perpetual dependence on God, when the life of winning lulls you into thinking this is through the work you've done. Worst of all, it tempts you to think you're better than other people who can't seem to get it together.

Reading through the Bible is scary, when you're in a place where you are the opposite of the poor, orphaned, and the foreigner. It's like being the rich young man who comes to Christ and asks how to get into the Kingdom of God. Jesus turns to him and tells him to follow all the commandments. The young guy says, of course I do that! Then Jesus tells him to give away all his riches, and to follow Him. Then the young guy turns away utterly dejected. Whenever I read passages like this, I feel like Jesus is talking right at me, and I feel rather dejected. It's like he tells me, what are you doing to empower the disempowered, lift up the oppressed, and pour out your wealth to those who have none? This isn't just about tithing anymore (which is this box we all check anyway), it's about what am I doing with my life to glorify God? This judgment is very real, and I clamor my way to the cross to repent and be still to receive the grace which is mine too.

Being blessed with all these good things in life in recent years yields more questions for me. Am I a better steward of His riches, or have I already received my reward on earth? These rewards include not just money, but other less thought of caches like power, time, friendship. I had a crisis recently about how hard it is to be a good friend. It was easier to be real when I was a loser, but it's less easy to be real when you have much more to lose. No wonder people fondly dream of the college years, when there was definitely less to lose.

Anyway, this is complicated. And Tim Keller (AGAIN, I know..) gave this illustration in yesterday's sermon about wisdom. God made this world good, and with a created order, on top of that we are fallen and everything is ruined, but on top of that we are redeemed and God is working RIGHT NOW in this fallen world. To be wise, you not only need to know that there are things you definitely should do (order and laws in the world), and that sometimes things are worst than ever (fallen world), but all of that is part of God's plan and He ultimately works good through it (redemption). They need to exist together, because life is complex, and to think otherwise means you are a fool.

I guess I'll end this on a high note..sort of :). I'm a sucker for hymns keyed in minor. I don't know what it is, but it's the complexity of the soaring words of the hymn plus the melancholy minor makes it more real to me. Favorite verse is the following:

Come, ye weary heavy laden, lost and ruined by the fall. If you tarry till you're better, you will never come at all. I will arise and go to Jesus, He will embrace me in His arms. In the arms of my dear Savior, oh, there are ten thousand charms.

We are all winners and losers that need Jesus. When you feel like a winner, be assured that you are a loser, and when you feel like a loser, be encouraged that you are a winner.

Dreams

It's been awhile since I've really blogged. And I think my writing may have suffered for it.

I've been thinking about dreams lately. Allow me to process.

Ever since I got married, my dream life (as in when I'm asleep) has been very, very active. I think it has a lot to do with not having the "second commute" of going from somewhere in Manhattan (downtown, midtown, or Washington Heights) to Astoria after a full night. I've been sleeping well enough, better than any other time of my life. I dream about work A LOT. A lot of the time it's me thinking over a problem over and over again in my dreams, but then I wake up and realize it didn't make sense at all or it wasn't even all that helpful. I also dream about wacky situations with people I love. None of the dreams are necessarily good...I can't recall the last time I really had a good dream.

On the other hand, it's been weird to be "living in a dream" (as in my waking life). I think if I sit down and count the number of things I've always wanted and now have, I'd realize what an ingrate I am. In a lot of ways the dreams I had as a child are very much true in my life now, even the dreams I was too scared to admit I had for fear that I'd never get it. An attractive husband who loves God and loves me, a stable job (we'll get to that), family and friends who care for me and I can count on, a church I've committed to and made roots in, a great apartment in the middle of a really cool city, a car, the lifestyle I maintain with all the food, theater, entertainment...it's rather odd to me, just the idea that I've suddenly become an outwardly (well really WORLDLY) successful adult person. Sure I wanted it! But I would not have believed this was possible, even just 4 years ago.

20-year-old me would proclaim that I was living in a dream. It's rather nuanced this idea of dreams though. It does not satisfy, it does not fulfill, and nor should it. The thing is, because I never thought that my greatest hopes and dreams would come true, I really played that down as a child, resulting in me being a dysfunctional dreamer. I had a very hard time answering the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", because I really didn't know what to aim for. I was just pushing through the short term, good or bad as it was, feeling like I'd ultimately not achieve much of anything, and I was preparing my heart for failure.

Now that I'm in a dream fulfilled, and of course I being a sinner in a sinful world am not satisfied. Well then, maybe I should dream for something else. What could it be? Greater comfort, greater wealth...are these things really greater? Won't they fail me once again and I will again want more? With these thoughts before me, I don't know how to dream. The Bible points to the need to dream and work for the Second Coming, when all will be restored and made right and God's people will reside with him in a city that's apparently a ginormous cube...but so often is this an ethereal thing. Not concrete enough to build on. My humanity creates barriers to understanding the impact and magnitude to my everyday life.

Ben is a really good foil for me on this. He's wanted to be a doctor since he was a kid. Though it's not like his road has been unwavering and straight (there have been many second, third, and millionth thoughts on whether this is the right path), he's pretty much been on a path toward where he is now and we hope in God that he continues down this path. Maybe he'll be a doctor in NYC, maybe he'll be a doctor in the suburbs, maybe he'll be doing missional work, who knows, but the main dream is to become a doctor. It's really neat when you think about it. I mean, what a cool dream!

I didn't and still don't have a dream like that. A dream that tangible, basic, and easy to communicate. Because of this, I think it's very easy for people to talk to him about his working world, and in essence his dreams. It's natural for him to tell people about him learning about what ails people and him helping people get better as a daily part of his work. I hear enough and understand enough from him that I know why people like talking to him about it. It doesn't stop me from feeling like a lesser part of our couplehood when I don't have a real concrete answer to "How's work doing?". I am partly to blame also because I honestly don't even have an "elevator speech" much more able to communicate very well about what I do. Nevermind knowing how to talk about dreams I don't have, except the little ones that don't mean anything. I lose momentum in a conversation, and Ben is readily there to talk more about his dreams. I'm laying it out here to have anyone reading this as a sounding board. I think it's just a cultural reality that professions that are revered like medicine draw a lot more attention and awe than something like finance...especially nowadays.

I don't really know where I was going with all that. I just know that there's something more to be had in this life than I have now. And it's such a danger to go looking for it in the idols of sex, power and money, which ultimately is all I ever dream about to be perfectly honest. Dreams really reveal what a person's idols are. The same goes with their worst nightmares. Not admitting to my dreams means not confessing my true desires, which is really just avoiding repentance. I forget what has lead me to a great measure of peace is repentance, and repentance is my road to complete shalom where longing has no place. But it's very hard to keep reminding yourself that in the light there is no shame.

Writing Skillz and Prayer

It is slowly dawning on me that I may not be as bad a writer as I thought. I don't mean that in terms of being able to craft a story, but in a way that I can really communicate what I need to communicate in words. This is more than I can say for my writing in the recent past. I hate to say it, but somehow my Writing the Essay professor was right, it just takes practice to be better at writing. And writing in this blog has definitely allowed for A LOT of practice.

As we all know, I read a lot of blogs on Google Reader. And there are quite a few writers that really bother me, but I keep my subscription because they keep giving me good information. I usually just skim through the bolded titles. I think I prefer it when people are genuine in their writing, and write like they talk. It sucks, because they probably really worked on this long post, but people don't read all of their musings. Because, honestly, who cares about your musings if I don't know you.

On a completely different note, I want to thank Joanna M in this public forum for giving me "The Valley of Vision" at the end of my Sophomore year, even when it wasn't very clear I would even take a liking to it or knew how to use it for myself. Who knew I'd be so into the Puritans only a few years later? It has helped me pray on such a deeper level than I ever could imagine. One prayer in particular has this stanza in it that has really hit home to me what I'm supposed to do in my adult life. It's bolded below.

"Vocation"

"HEAVENLY FATHER,
Thou hast placed me in the church
which thy Son purchased by his own blood.
Add grace to grace that I may live worthy of my vocation.

I am a voyager across life's ocean;
Safe in heaven's ark, may I pass through a troubled world
into the harbour of eternal rest.

I am a tree of the vineyard thou hast planted.
Grant me not to be barren, with worthless leaves and wild grapes;
Prune me of useless branches;
Water me with dews of blessing.
I am part of the Lamb's bride, the church.
Help me to be true, faithful, chaste, loving, pure, devoted;
Let no strong affection wantonly dally with the world.
May I live high above a love of things temporal,
sanctified, cleansed, unblemished, hallowed by grace,
thy love my fullness,
thy glory my joy,
thy precepts my pathway,
thy cross my resting place.
My heart is not always a flame of adoring love,
But, resting in thy Son's redemption,
I look forward to the days of heaven,
where no langour shall oppress,
no iniquities chill,
no mists of unbelief dim the eye,
no zeal ever tires.
Father, these thoughts are the stay, prop, and comfort of my soul."

This prayer by itself really taught me a lot about reliance on Jesus throughout the summer and fall, before I theologically thought it through recently in the last few months. This prayer isn't the only one that has helped me through, but it was one of the more influential ones. It's amazing how much prayer really can capture something true within your heart that's more complex than you think. Truly, prayer allows God to reach down and fill my needs to an even fuller extent than I realize. He's being more loving than I can even fathom.

[Please note that I changed my template. I got tired of the other one.]

Application of "Reaching Out" to the Financial Crisis

I think the thing that is really hard to parse out about the current economic situation is the amount of vitriol people use for these financial titans they've trusted yet are now proven to be as human as the rest of us. People are seriously out for blood. It's funny, but so far I'm the only one out of my cousins that's decided to go for business as a vocation. Funny to me because I thought that was the most traditional thing anyone could do, go work for a company (though I didn't necessarily do it for "traditional" reasons or aims). Now the way things are going, looks like there's a shift to healthcare/education/social work...and there were always cousins who were pretty artistic so a fair amount will be writers, musicians, and graphic designers. Point is, with all this stuff going on, I'm a focal point in my grandfather's mind. He's always asking me, "Hey, have you cleaned up Wall St yet?"

To which I usually laugh off. Of course, he's half joking...but I wish I could answer him with what I really think about this stuff. Mainly that the crisis is all of our faults, coming out of a general brokeness of all things man made and there is none that seeks God, not one. I wish I could answer "Well, have you forgiven and made peace with your siblings yet?...No?...then not yet for me either."

I'm writing about this because Nouwen in "Reaching Out" mentioned it in a way I haven't heard anyone else do so. Most of the media are too busy placing blame and most people are interested in punishment. It's really affirming to know that another Christian thinks similarly about widespread crisis/suffering.

This quote is in the context of the civil rights activists of the sixties. It's a long one, but all of it is important.
"...If any criticism can be made of the sixties, it is not that protest was meaningless but that it was not deep enough, in the sense theat it was not rooted in the solitude of the heart. When only our minds and hands work together we quickly become dependent on the results of our actions and tend to give up when they do not materialize. In the solitude of the heart we can truly listen to the pains of the world because there we can recognize them not as strange unfamiliar pains, but as pains that are indeed our own. There we can see that what is most universal is most personal and that indeed nothing human is strange to us. There we can feel that the cruel reality of history is indeed the reality of the human heart, our own included, and that to protest asks, first of all, for a confession of our own participation in the human condition. There we can indeed respond.

It would be paralyzing to proclaim that we, as individuals, are responsible for all human suffering, but it is a liberating message to say we are called to respond to it. Because out of an inner solidarity with our fellow humans the first attempts to alleviate these pains can come forth.

It is this inner solidarity which prevents self-righteousness and makes compassion possible."

I'm obviously not a policy maker, so don't misunderstand where I'm coming from and what I'm trying to say. I'm just saying our attitudes need to change. And this has implications from the macro level to the micro everyday. I'm just tired of the self-righteousness both from within and without. Stop reacting and start responding creatively to the problems of this world that can only come from a solitude that works out your faith and dependance on God.

Fig Trees

For one reason or another, I hadn't been listening to my iPod while commuting. This past weekend I did that Autofill thing on my Shuffle to get some new songs in there. It had the most uncanny timing this morning.

After I read Spurgeon's morning meditation on the train. I put on the iPod and it was some really good David Crowder which I haven't listened to in awhile. And as I was getting out of my last train and surfacing to the ground, The Northern's "All The Greatest Things" came up, which was really surprising since I really haven't listened to them in months and months. Made crossing the street toward the skyscraper I work in suddenly very dramatic. I forgot this was in there but what struck me today was this line: "We are fruitless fig trees..." Dave puts it in there real quick, but it meant a lot to hear it today.

I've been really feeling useless and fruitless at work. It seems this is the ongoing struggle of this season in my life. My degree, my intelligence, my spiritual depth, my social skills, my insight, all of it is counted as loss, and all of the sudden no one cares what Xaris is doing all day. At school, people would at least judge you for not working hard, but now, they don't even care to know. It's this feeling of continually moving forward in wide steps and growing and changing and maturing and learning, while essentially being exactly where I was 9 months ago. Teehee like a baby! What if I'm never born? I feel so held back. Like I'm stuck in this womb and God won't let me out until His time. It's draining to do nothing with yourself, hoping you're not being foolish. Like you're not doing what you were meant to do. It's kind of like what Jesus says about the fig tree. If it's fruitless, it might as well be dead.

But the greatest truths I've known have been absurd. And as Jesus brings judgment on this tree, he takes the punishment on Himself. He violently tears Himself to pieces for the love of the fruitless. This infinite life-giving fruitful tree does this for me the death-deserving fruitless tree. My complaints are silenced at this thought. I can only be justified by this faith and trust that I am sanctified in this period of angst and waiting.

Mentors

Here is what Dave just told me about a new project that might be starting up: "I want to see you do well and I think with you the potential is limitless...I'm trying to bring you into this project because I think you have a good attitude and I enjoy working with you."

Wow, that is waaaaay better than getting an A.

First of all, I totally thought of Wicked when he said "limitless" (Unlimited, Together we're unlimited...from "Defying Gravity"). Second of all, my mama had always told me about the importance of good mentors, from spiritual to the work environment. She lead by practice. She has had women friends who disciple her and that those she disciples. She also has stayed in contact with a major work mentor in her life. You could say her work mentor was probably responsible for bringing us to the States...that's pretty major. He wasn't a Christian and was a workaholic and I hated his bratty children (we did meet at one point). But this man brought much good to my family.

Considering this, I'm amazed at how much God has blessed me with mentors. Growing up, I didn't really have a sense that anyone older and/or wiser than me cared about my progress and my dreams. But in his own way, my older brother played mentor to me, even through the years when he was a brute to me. I think I have a natural inclination toward the idea of needing something like that.

So I'm impressed with someone like Dave, when upon meeting and working with someone like me, he naturally fills that role. Gives me pieces of advice, most of them unsolicited (which is a positive for shy little me). Offers affirmation freely and without hesitation. Let's me think things through when he's showing me something, asking me key questions just to check that I've been paying attention and understand the nuances. People who can do that kind of thing naturally are just amazing to me. It's one thing to see a need for it, it's another to fill that need.

I grow more and more certain that I am where I'm supposed to be. I know God has always been telling me this, I just didn't listen. Even now, I probably still hold traces of doubt.

Theme Songs

There are a lot of parallels between now and 4 years ago, I think. It's almost designed that way when you go to college and graduate and get a job. One I thought was kind of interesting to point out was my choice of theme songs. You know, like how TV shows have that one theme song that never changes because it encompasses a lot of the ongoing themes of the show. I think people should definitely have theme songs for different seasons of life. For my freshman year, it was definitely Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway, for the most obvious reasons. Note that she was an American Idol and this song was popular at the time. It just felt really right.

Now, in this recent grad situation I'm in, it's Jordan Sparks's One Step At A Time. Also from an American Idol and also has been pretty popular. Maybe it's because American Idol winners and the like are encouraged to have these kind of hopeful, making a change kind of songs since that's literally what America has seen them do, so a song celebrating that is automatically going to be popular. It's very marketable.

So yes, of course I'm going to find songs like this, because young people like to sing and hear about songs that talk about how hard and frustrating it can be to be young and unestablished, with no cred whatsoever. But it doesn't make it less magical to find that one song that just expresses so much about where you're at. It's like you're thinking about something, and all of a sudden this person who has nothing to do with you and is thousands of miles away starts expressing your exact feelings in a way you understand and completely relate to. It's like a Tim Keller sermon. It's so deeply affirming.

Affirmation and Humility

Can you believe it? I actually had real work to do all of yesterday! It was real important too! I even stayed later to finish it. Fun!

I realized the consultants I work with are words of affirmation kind of people. You can say they probably like to butter up clients, but the fact that they say that stuff to me as well shows that at least it is just something they naturally do well. I have this theory that love languages can be learned and developed, and I think words of affirmation is one of those things that I don't do as well. I don't think I ever did this very well at all, but I definitely think now, given my current life circumstances, I just suck at it. I don't do well receiving it either, not knowing what to do with that kind of lovin'; since most of the time I try to convince myself that it's not what I'm looking for. Yet of course, when someone affirms me, I get flustered because I realize how desperately I want it. I want to be recognized and told how smart, beautiful and accomplished I am.

Solution: Jesus. More practically, I think I need to learn how to do this for others. If not for the sake of God's love, at least career-wise it's a really good skill to have. For example, I may be not doing much work, but if I knew how to affirm people, I would be making a difference.

This is related to Laura's last few sentences in her post about the FOTOS ministry. The entire post itself was real good (props to Laura...hey! affirmation!), but the last few sentences struck me.

"Here's to helping hurting people, instead of ignoring or downplaying. Here's to humility instead of self-protection. Here's to shalom."

Shalom is freaking hard. I think in a lot of ways, graduating has forced me to create some pretty hefty boundaries, mainly to have some room to grow myself into this new life. But there's a balance there..and I fear edging into self-protection. I went from having a ultra-vulnerable community that encouraged openness to a yuppie life filled with fears of the unknown and the pressure to toughen up and figure it out. The contrast makes the vulnerabilities that I do have with people more sensitive, and they hurt more when I feel like I've been shut down. I'm not sure why, but I speculate it's because I've self protected so carefully and fearfully that I feel like I failed to protect myself when things go a bit wrong.

Or I blame God. I've asked God a lot why vulnerability has to hurt so much. As if to ask why must I be vulnerable? Isn't that weird for me to ask? Does that sound like Xaris at all? I'm used to being on the opposite end of things, being really good at being open but bad at closing up...well maybe that's not really changed at all. But we are called to be both guarding our hearts as well as humbling them to be in community with one another...shalom...That's just really hard. But I cling to hope...

"For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God" -1 John 3:20b-21

Being an Immigrant

In regular NPR fashion, WNYC has been doing this Becoming an American series every morning ramping up to Thanksgiving. Obviously, it prompts me to think of the choices I've made to become a citizen in more ways than on paper. This one Indian girl with a very Indian name talked about how even now as an adult she still feels only half-American, despite spending most of her life here. Compounding this with Megan's post on creating a new kind of citizenship, and going to Grace's Korean home for Thanksgiving, serving with a large contingent of Asians at the Bowery Mission on Monday, I've thought about my pinoy-ness at odd moments in recent days.

It's weird to become self-aware of the fact that I am a Pilipina, in my current way of life, it's a bit of a reach. But what's cool about being in the working world, is I really see a lot of normal wage-earning Pilipinos running around, speaking my language, cracking jokes they think no one will hear. It reminds me so much of my parents, and how they're exactly like these folks, most especially since I'm involved in work that my dad precisely used to do. I look at the IT project leader sometimes with his thick accent (not pinoy btw) and I think of my father. This one Finance pinoy manager has a distinctly nasal quality to his English, and I caught up with him on the train once. Turns out, he lives on Long Island, his daughter is a Senior at NYU and will be going to law school. We also talked about Stern summer interns he had hired, one of which was really bratty. We talked about where I was from in the Philippines and the major development that's happened around my childhood home and subdivision, we talked about development around my old Catholic school, what it was like the last time we were there, the new mall, the infamous LRT.

Something the NPR series pointed out for one guy was the fact that most people will assume you're American. That is, if you are assimilated enough. It was weird when I became a citizen and was telling people about it, most people were surprised. Most people don't know how hard and costly it is to become one either. But because I really do have minimal, what I affectionately call, "immigrant moments" where diction or lack of knowledge betray, I seem like a perfectly normal young American. And indeed, I am. Thus, another point of tension part of the wider one of justification and sanctification.

It was hard growing up in Arizona. I had to go through a lot of misunderstandings about my identity. There was this one kid, Ryan (from Alaska..go figure), who seriously, seriously thought I was making up my ethnicity, even after I showed him a 25 centavo coin (probably didn't help that it was gold and has a butterfly on it, making it look token-ish)...until he met my mom (he lived around the block from me) then he was very, very nice to me. His father was an A/C repairer and fixed our central air. A lot of people thought I was Native American, or Mexican, or Hawaiian...rarely would they figure it right the first time. Then there's my blessed name, and people would think I was Greek. My parents seemed like anti-social people and do not, to this day, make friends with my friends' parents. My father is going to go into high stress, if he ever has to meet Ben's parents. It sucks to think I caught a lot of my shy tendencies from this. I'm too different, I'm too complicated, we have so little in common, better not try to bridge the gap. I have really cramped small talk skills. I didn't have a lot of examples of people standing around talking about nothing while their children play. I can't help but make small talk something more serious, otherwise I want to kill myself out of the madness.

Really though, my parents are great people. My father is a hilarious, jolly human being with a amazing servant's heart. My mother is a super empathetic, encouraging person. They both talk endlessly about politics, art, travel, business, and all implications of life. They're intelligent people. But place them in Arizona and I don't think my father specifically has found much community, even after 13 years. He really only talks to the dog, my mother, and sometimes his children. He writes these amazing emails about food, filled with rich history. He really is a great poet, his Tagalog is the deepest I'd ever dare read (he won many speech writing awards in school).

I know this has turned into a I love my parents fest, but really I'm just trying to make a case that being an immigrant makes things complicated, even for fluent English speakers. Arizona was not only so different from the Philippines, but it was a different America from the movies we saw. There are no brownstones, green lawns (except if you specifically look for it), brick houses with long driveways just white stucco, pink buildings, and red mountain landscapes. Nothing was familiar. I found myself constantly grasping for something that I could feel was mine and intimately connected to my identity. Well, duh, of course I know this happens to everyone, as we don't belong in this broken world. I'm just trying to express it in my terms as an immigrant.

Really, this is a process of not forgetting. I need to remember what it was like when I felt so left out of the world, that I thought I and/or God made a mistake. I spent a lot of time waiting for life to be over. I need to remember that Jesus walked the earth feeling exactly what I felt yet even more so, and died for the world anyway and was ultimately on the cross left out of the only community we really want to be in, the Father's. He not only welcomes, He knows. So that whenever I feel distant from things that I once felt intimate with (whether people, hobbies, or culture), whenever I feel like I'm being fake and it's obstructing my connection with people, I know that these are mere shadows of the deepest intimacy I've ever had and that is with my God. It is impossible for me to fake who I am with Him. It's ok for me to be confused about who I am too, since I don't determine that, He does. I always belong anyway, because I belong to Him.

6 months

I realized that I haven't really acknowledged how I've been 6 months out of school now. I already feel like a different person. I think for the first time I'm feeling the first fruits of the transition, with all of its struggles. It doesn't mean I got it all down pat or that I'm perfect or I will never struggle with the meaninglessness and solitude of life again, just that I've been through a lot and it's starting to show in the right ways. I'm making it through by the sheer grace of God, transforming my iniquities for His purposes.

It's a great feeling to have that one of the major transitions in my life is somewhat over. I am a working young adult with a daily routine and I'm on the train 2 hours a day and I read my WSJ that's on my front patio every morning and I worry about the dishes and having a clean bathroom. There's no turning back, I will never be a college student again (b-school will definitely NOT be the same), and for the first time, that's a positive in my mind. Not by stressing the negative of being a student nor the positive of being an adult, just really starting to rest in the fact that I am where I'm at right now because God likes me there, and that's just fine.

The rest of my group left work hours ago, so I'm gonna just go as well. haHA, freedom ftw!

Disney

So the past weeks or so I haven't been listening to my iPod. Not for any sense of unplugging really, just because the little squishy thing on one of my ear buds has gone missing (AGAIN) and I would just rather go without than try to figure out where the replacement is at home.

Oddly enough, this has caused more Disney songs to play over and over again in my head (really the question is, how did I memorize all these songs?). Namely from Pocahontas and Hunchback. I think Pocahontas was seriously underrated. I particularly like "Just Around the Riverbend" - "Why do all my dreams extend just around the riverbend?" "Is all my dreaming at an end, or do you still wait for me Dreamgiver, just around the riverbend?" - I can't believe I learned this on the piano once. So fast!

Today, I was thinking of "Out There" - "Out there, strolling by the Seine, taste the morning out there, like ordinary men." "I swear I'll be content with my share, no regret, won't resent, old and bent, I won't care, I'd have spent one day out there." and "Heaven's Light" - "As I ring these bells tonight, my cold dark tower seems so bright, I swear it must be heaven's light."

I don't really have a point, except that Disney songs are beautiful.

Community

I have a habit of not trying too hard to explain myself when I write (why I got a B in Writing the Essay). This may be one of those posts.

This morning, I listened to Coldplay's "A Message". As most of you probably have heard it (I realize I enjoy music in a very isolated fashion and am not quite sure what everyone likes), here's just a snippet.

"My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes on
You don't have to be alone

Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it's so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own"

This morning I was reading this study by Beth Moore (my mom gave me for my birthday) on Jesus - "90 days with the one and only". Today she talked about how gracious God was to Mary. Gabriel didn't only tell her that she was a) going to be pregnant b) that it would be the Son of God, but also mentioned (obviously in Xaris paraphrasing world) c) "b-t-dubbs, your cousin Elizabeth is also having a radical, unexpected, and stigmatizing pregnancy too!" God was paying attention to the personal ramifications Mary was to endure. And after that, Mary goes to visit Elizabeth (who is like 70 miles away or something!) and Elizabeth has nothing but encouragement for her and shares in Mary's wonder.

You don't have to be on your own. Such a wonderful truth.

Ben and I had a "double datesky" with PJ and Gillian last Saturday. It was weird how remarkably blessed I felt by this. We weren't even talking about real deep stuff or insights about life. I can barely remember what we even really talked about or what any specific person said, including myself (which is really freaking odd, because I remember everything usually). Though without words being said outright, the commonality of our situations was so real that it was just a blessing to be in community with them.

Laura has written about this and related topics before (and much more extensively, with books and quotes to back her up ^_^), in obviously different circumstances from me, but what I have to say is similar, just me making my own peace about it. There's something alienating about being committed to another person when one is this young. It's not just about the time and energy that needs to be reallocated to only one person instead of spread to more people, it's also the heart knowledge of another person that uses this as currency. Not that I think my sisters don't know what's going on with me (obviously if you read this blog and talk to me once and awhile, you largely do), but it's just changed. It's not like in high school when I could tell my friends what happened last period. I'm grateful though, that this change obviously coincides with an increase in maturity about giving and receiving intimacy.

One of the greatest spiritual battles of my life has been intimacy and not having it or having too much. Never feeling like I had people in my life who really knew what I was about or trying to be, for most of my life. That obviously changed with the Navigators who freely offered me community. But that was only the beginning. I see now that I spent my college years figuring this out: "Empowerment does not translate to entitlement". Just because I'm given something good, it doesn't mean I deserve it, or can manipulate it to my ends and pleasure. Intimacy is a gift and is something given not taken. Just because we need community, it does not mean we deserve it, or are automatically given one. You cannot force people to be friends with you, just because they showed you they want to be your friend. I think it took me awhile to freaking grow up and realize this. Many of you were victims of this process.

Thank God for boundaries! Kind of like at work, just because these people are invited to a certain type of intimacy with me (the normal everyday type where they see me everyday for most of my waking life, hear me cough and see what I have for lunch) does not mean they have access to my heart. They don't get to ask me what I did last night, unless it's something I had already talked about. I think when our boundaries were disregarded and violated in the past, it's harder to see God's design, or we misinterpret that to be God's design - we either close up desperately building a thick wall of protection or open up for a free for all with no thought as to the dignity of our personhood.

The truth is I need community and am blessed with it. But this stage in life is just far more different than the previous one before it. And just like how I had to get used to the truth that I can't force people to be friends with me. I need to get used to the idea that I'm a woman now, making decisions for myself that have real consequences, and I need to seek out community more than it has come to me (i.e. Mary). And I need to be grateful for what comes and not use it just for myself (i.e. Elizabeth). I don't have to be on my own.

Whew, thanks for letting me process.

The Importance of Music

Been listening to a lot of Coldplay recently (well my iPod keeps "shuffling" to it).

From "White Shadows"

"Maybe you get what you wanted
Maybe you stumbled upon it
Everything you ever wanted
In a permanent state

Maybe you'll know when you see it
Maybe if you say it, you'll mean it
And when you find it, you keep it
In a permanent state
A permanent state"

Just feeling and digging that a lot right now. Music can be so much more effective at explaining and feeling than spoken words.

I've been feeling rather musical this week. I'm starting to really miss my voice lessons I think. In the cramped practice rooms of Steinhardt, there was a freedom to perform without feeling like an idiot, because only Megan R, who has heard every part of my voice, was respectfully judging. (Btw, I am a major fan of this woman, she is one of the best people I know) And when Edward started playing for me, it was also great, because I knew his judgments were also based on reality. I'm not a fantastic singer, but I like to use what I've been given once and awhile. I don't sing for others though, I sing for myself and the Lord.

Most people know that when I was growing up, I sort of idolized Lea Salonga. Being the kind of dreamer I am, I would secretly want to be her, but never put anything towards such aspirations. She was just so talented, doing concerts and musicals throughout the world meanwhile totally keeping her down-to-earth attitude and sweet heart. My parents have a VHS of this concert she did in the Philippines, even after all her success and everything, she was still the same cute girl, speaking in polite Tagalog, singing Pilipino songs as well as American songs. I think she's just a high class kind of person.

Pure

I realized I didn't really think about the conference much before I had gone. It was just this block of time that I had set apart, and I was content in not knowing of what I would want to happen in that time. It's freeing to be able to approach events like this, no details, no plans, especially when the event delivers.

So I guess that's really what I learned and enjoyed at Pure - freedom. I was free to laugh, cry, talk, sing, dance, jump, knit, and sometimes shout with unusual abandon. I was free to sound foolish, and free to offer wisdom. Free to be alone, free to be surrounded (like literally) by my sisters. Free to be young, free to be old. Free to love, and free to voice hate so as to repent.

Paige Brown had an illustration of a water bottle knocking over and everything spilling on the floor. Why's the water on the floor? Because there was water in the bottle. There are situations in life that cause the bottle to knock over, but whatever ends up on the floor is because it was in the bottle to begin with. Obviously this is a broadly used idea, but the visual of the water all over the floor is compelling to me. So I guess, I felt free and safe enough at Pure to knock the bottle over myself to see, show and discuss what comes out. Seeing that for others as well, some women who I would never have thought I would even totally relate to, was so encouraging.

Maybe this sounds really intense, like counseling, but it wasn't counseling. It was just fellowship. No one was there to fix one another, we were there for the Lord. And it wasn't intense in that stressful way when you're feeling really broken, it was peaceful, calm, rest in the Lord. It helped that all the ladies weren't freaking out and buckling down under the weight of their own sin, they were offering it to God and asking why? Struggling with God instead of themselves.

At so many points, I just felt soooooo loved by God, that I couldn't believe how stupid I was and am and probably will be in not trusting His wisdom, strength, and worthiness. It's been awhile since I've felt so completely vindicated and redeemed. (Another Paige Brown-ism) Looked at the cross and said Am I that bad? YES! Am I that loved? YES!

My life in school had so many seasonal weekends away from the city between all the leadership retreats and Nav retreats. And I think I had forgotten how one weekend can do the work of several months in the Spirit. How Penn State 2004 had set the course for a changed life for me and that was only 3 days, no extended weekend needed. Out of any other retreat I've gone to, I remember the most details from this one, even now. I can't even remember what I did for free time last year in Vermont, but I remember the songs we sang and where I sat for worship at Penn State. I remember I slept in this heavenly, soft bed (probably the best bed I've ever slept in) next to Stephanie D. I remember Dan Brown throwing a pile of leaves on my car (with the windows open) and subsequently losing his wallet, and finding it in the dark later. From then on, my car has always had fall leaves somewhere in it at whatever time of year. I remember Nicole T talking about wanting to be the prince on the white horse and marveling at the thought that some women didn't want men to open the door for them (wtf?). I remember reading Revelations (for Con West) while people were almost dying in caves somewhere. I remember Mike Chen and Tyler being amazed at my mad skillz at lying to them. I remember that the alum and random older people outnumbered the freshmen.

Life is Repentance (Rejoicing)

I was thinking recently about how grateful I am for my job(!). Yes, it caught me by surprise as well. If I really sit down and think about it, I am grateful for how clear it is to me that I need to be here (though God chooses to hide the exact reasons). I've learned a lot about depending on Christ. I've learned a lot about myself.

Actually, I really remember this whole, newly profound level of dependence on Christ idea hitting me around August/September 2007. I remember talking to Megan S on the phone during a long, routine walk home (when we still lived in the 23rd St apartment). I had my concentration set on this whole transition from college to not-in-school. I was asking her about how she managed to create community for herself in Christ Church while maintaining Navs in her life, because I was attending and trying to do the same at Astoria Community Church. We were talking about the lack of community in general, and how the loss of Navs the way we knew it is a way to figure out how powerful communion with the Holy Spirit can be...something to that effect. Really though, I felt like shit about the whole idea and how it was going to be and how hard it was to get used to. How to get used to a life change.

And since that time (about a year ago), boy have there been some dramatic changes in my life. From the very obvious to the very subtle. And it's weird to realize that throughout it all, all I was trying to figure out was this basic idea of repentance. Of course, like most of you, I thought, heck ya I know what that is, I'm a Christian. I can point to things and say, see I have repented, look at how much my life has changed! Look at how much God has empowered me to do the things I've done. See, God is definitely in communion with me and definitely in my life.

Andrea had handed me this Redeemer study titled "How the Gospel Changes You" around end of July. It was all about idols and repentance, and I thought, alright, alright, let me just read through this. It ended up being a major theme in my thoughts, prayers, and the way I related to people.

The thing is, alright, I understand the need to bow before God, understand who He really is and understand who I'm really not. Think of the magnitude of my full out rebellion against the God of the universe. No excuses, that was a choice I full out made. And then applying the idea that the triune God loved me enough to die for me, to chase after me, to tear His life apart and put it back together with me in it. This should in turn make us rejoice. Sing Amazing Grace, and shout hallelujah. (This part however rarely happens to me) But the thing I missed almost completely, that I don't think I ever thought about until I read the Redeemer study, was the need to PRAISE God. How it is physically, mentally, emotionally, soulfully impossible to rejoice, without giving praise to the One who makes it possible. We were meant to praise God, therefore if we do not do it, we cannot claim the gift we are meant to receive. It's as if I walked around saying, yes I'm Toti's (my father's) daughter, but never even gave him a call, never talked to him for years. I may always be Toti's daughter, that never changes, but there's that difference between a legal relationship and a personal relationship. I may always be his daughter, but do I love him? It's the same with the Father.

So in applying all that, I try to praise God everyday, and hopefully someday I can praise God all the time. Not that I'm great at it mind you, but I try. Even if it's a dry "God you are awesome." The exercise is good for my soul. "However important [growing my character] may be, this process of repentance trains us in habits of the soul that are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God." (from a 1 John Redeemer study). As Tim Keller says about relationships "Love is an action first, a feeling second." How could we expect any more from ourselves in our relationship with God? If loving God and being in a relationship with Him means forcing myself to sing a hymn, say a prayer, or read out stale sounding words, I'm going to freaking do it because it was what I was made to do. Like with most things, the focus isn't on receiving or even giving with excellence (that's covered by God in His covenant with us), really the focus is who you're giving to. That's what eros is, and that's the metaphor God likes to use with Christ as the groom and the Church as the bride.

Whew, that was a lot. But really it's been churning in my head for such a long time, it's the culmination of a lot of material read, sermons heard, conversations had, and feelings felt.

Btw, I think swearing off Google Reader is actually helping in a way I didn't fully expect. My life is really a lot less negative on a regular basis. Of course the negativity isn't Google Reader's fault per se, I just don't know how to subscribe to the less biased things without hearing about news no one else pays attention to. It's the blogging culture of the internet I suppose. Kind of how people rely on most of their news from late night TV which makes fun of everything, only on a grander scale. Also, I'd read Google Reader for most of my day which is more than the Bible, more than any other reading material. I think I just have to limit it to like an hour a day or something.

REJOICE!

Raindrops keep falling on my head

I reloaded my ancient iPod mini recently (GASP! I know...it had been a few years). I put in what my brother had jokingly given me, which was a Burt Bacharach CD (together with Philharmonic renditions of Red Hot Chili Peppers songs, Brandi Carlile and Brett Dennen (I love him!) albums, and a Motown era album). My brother is a sound designer, he's pretty well listened ^_^. But really, it wasn't a joke, because our entire family loves Burt Bacharach. I grew up with such eclectic music, it's pretty hard for me to hate on any of it. There's a time and place for every type I think.

It's weird though, because before, my iPod was overridden by all this emo stuff which was new to me freshman year: Dashboard, Death Cab, Carbon Leaf, Coldplay, Decemberists even Simon and Garfunkel and Joni Mitchell can be counted as such. Not that they're completely taken out, it's just not as much in there.

So getting out the door this morning to such a happy song as "Rain drops keep falling on my head, but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red, no not for me, cause, I ain't gonna stop the rain by complaining. Because I'm freeeeeeee..nothing's worrying meeeeee" is kinda a nice surprise.

Andrea was very affirming last night. Perhaps the most affirming thing I've heard in months, mainly because it's coming from someone who knows all the minor details. It's always an amazing experience to hear someone say with authority something like, You know that thing you've been trying to do, you're doing it very well. You're going the right direction. You're being healthy. Eyes wide open and walking in faith.

That's just friggin' nice to hear once and awhile.