Prayer

Ben and I recently started this Redeemer class called on the "Psalms of David" which is taught by Marty Young, a ridic teacher. I've never had access to someone who could give a satisfying answer to a gamut of hard questions about the Bible. I've taken a few of his classes before on "Becoming Wise" which is about wisdom literature in the Bible and the "Resurrection" which changed the way I thought about the Resurrection. Mainly, I've come to really appreciate his classes because of both the structure and chaos it brings. Structure because there is at least a certain area we can talk about, but chaos in how surprising it is, and how it makes me think, WOW, I don't really know God or the Word at all do I?! Sometimes you really need that jolt of reality that really communicates the raw offensiveness of the Word of God for sinners like us. If it stops being offensive, I've made a false god that molds to my thoughts and wants instead of the real God who challenges my idols and molds me to His image (WHOA!).

Anyhoo, so Marty talked about how Biblical prayer is not praying for things or means to things, it's all about praying for the will of God. When we pray for something, what exactly are we praying for? What is the object of my prayer? Is the object of my prayer God? To be quite honest, I RARELY pray because of God. Most of the time, I'm praying because I feel bad and I want to feel good again. It was so convicting seeing how rampant this was in my life. For example, I may be praying for work or wisdom at my job, but why? For His glory? NO usually it's for my own glory, so that I get a promotion and a bonus down the road, so that I can feel like I'm doing something. Even asking for absolutely good things like an apartment for Ben and I, or good weather on our wedding day is not Biblical if the reason behind it is for my own comfort, joy, peace, etc. Which absolutely makes sense if you sat down and thought about it, but I am so blind to the dealings of my heart. Do I really love God for God, which is the love God asks for, or do I love Him because of the stuff I get out of Him? Do I love God because He is good, or is it because He's good to me?

Loving God because He's good to me is not a bad thing of course, it just shouldn't be the only reason why. How weird would it be to say that I love Ben because of all the things he does for me, but never really pay attention to who he is and what he likes and loves?

Now, Marty said something regarding these un-Biblical prayers, that I don't know what to think about quite yet. He said that they are all unheard, not just unanswered, but unheard. His reasoning was that because God is so holy, he doesn't let things that are not holy into his presence. However, I think about how the Holy Spirit is our intercessor, and our prayers are heard through faith in Christ Jesus who is most righteous and holy. I wish he had given some more backing to this, but then, no one really pushed him on this issue (probably because everyone was feeling the conviction of what he just said about 90% of the prayers out there), and I hope it comes up again.

To further this point though, I think the main thing is just recognizing that even our very prayers are inadequate and are like dirty rags before the Father. But because the Son has died and rose again on our behalf, His righteousness is upon us and we must rely on Him for all things. We need to pray for His will to be done, not ours.

Update!

It has been a good long while, and much has happened it feels like. When I was forcing myself to write everyday, I really did have a bloggers mind. I would have profound (in my view ^_^) thoughts and immediately start forming a beginning, middle, and end of a blog post. I think I really did become a bit better at writing. Once in a while, I'll think about writing a post, but literally have no clue when I would do that. Except for the wedding blogs (which I usually just rush through anyway), I haven't really kept up with my friends' blog or Google Reader. It's unfortunate, and I think I really do feel the lack in connectedness. Anyway...some bullets on what's been going on:

Wedding Shtuff
- Wedding planning has been simultaneously relaxed and scary. I decided on a lot of things very early on, making it more of a lull at the moment. But already the details of what's actually needs to happen is encroaching. In the end, the things that make it stressful are the things that arise out of the planning, nothing to do with colors, style, or logistics. Maybe it's my own sins, maybe it's Ben's, maybe it's our families'. Mostly though, it becomes painfully obvious how different Ben and I operate, making working together rough going, which is relatively new for us considering how smoothly everything else we've worked on has gone (e.g. Navs leadership). Yes, we are planners and are very organized individuals, but the nuances of how this is executed is different. On the whole though, this is a good thing and engagement is exactly that time when such things start being wrestled with and accepted.

- I've been having odd thoughts about my wedding dress. I think I'm largely over it now, but I really was struggling with loving my dress...and I never really thought I'd be that kind of a girl. It was the first dress I tried on. It's kinda an awkward, "I like you, but...I don't know if you're the one." I finally put pictures of it on my phone, and I think that's helped in some odd way to look at it all the time....I know, it's just a dress, an object, I'm weirded out too.

Health
- So I gots to get a colonoscopy next month. It was a bit jarring because of a number of factors, a big one being that I have absolutely not days off left for the year because of the wedding and honeymoon. I just need to take that day as unpaid leave, which isn't such a big deal, but I just hate having so little time off. Being a consultant can be so challenging, as they really count the hours you work.

Work
- I've been busy, and it's been somewhat fun, somewhat stressful. The people I share a tiny office with (including my manager) are fun to be around. There are days when we constantly sing random songs all day, all three of us. We all refer to the same movies and the same SNL skits. It's radically different from my previous project. I'm definitely more stressed though, and challenged more everyday. I've been given more responsibility in that I'm actually the only person on my current project and loosely managed by Josh (current manager's name). I speak with people in London mostly....I've been drinking some sort of caffeine on a daily basis. It's weird to work so hard, in an environment like this. I find myself missing thinking about other things aside from finance products, processes, systems and calculations.

That's a quick overview I guess. I hope to write more later!

NEW!

My new project is definitely miles away (literally and figuratively) from my previous one. I've been doing some real work and real thinking. I'm starting to remember that I did go to business school and that I work in Finance. I'm sharing an office with my manager and a new grad (as we call Business Analysts who just graduated ^_^), and it is surprisingly good and bad in different ways.

Bad:

1. Manager would be able to clearly see everything I do. And there is no way for me to hide, even if I did want him to forget I exist for a little while and not give me work. I have no excuse but to turn around and ask him what I should be doing.

2. Despite a shorter commute (by like 10 minutes..but whatever), I'm required to come in at 8:30am, which is normal in New York finance world. It's cool and all, but the transition is still a little jarring.

3. I'm doing real work and thus am actually feeling really vulnerable and wanting more feedback, because I know I'm displaying my abilities and skills to a Partner (as in he started the company!) and a Managing Director. I can't really tell if I'm disappointing or not, quite yet. I'm actually starting to feel that feeling I used to get in the morning before an exam or something. Not actually fear, maybe more like adrenaline/uneasiness at the things that are not known.

4. The new grad is always asking me what I'm doing, because she also wants to learn from me. It's a bit annoying though, as sometimes I just want to screw around on the Internetz.

5. I don't feel comfortable nesting there the way I did at the previous bank. I haven't brought on the pictures yet.

GOOD!:

1. My manager and the new grad are really funny, and I have surprisingly felt at ease with them most of the time. My manager is A LOT like Jim from "The Office", NO JOKE! It's weird, but I don't notice this until I stop talking to him about the project. The new grad is very talkative and quite a go-getter kind of person. She makes me feel welcome.

2. It's a 50-minute commute to an area that is accessible to a lot of other neighborhoods in the city. I have grown to really appreciate this after Jersey City!!

3. I'm doing real work and thinking really hard about things I should be thinking hard about (not centerpieces, puppies, etc.). This makes me feel like a normal working professional. I also never felt so much like a consultant than in this environment.

4. I no longer feel awkward working with solely middle-aged, cynical, self-deprecating, old school, Finance men with whom I never really knew how to have a normal conversation with (except Joel, who I miss dearly <_>).

This project goes on for at least another month, and then we don't know what comes next. I could be onto another project again. Anyway, if you don't hear from me, you'll know why!

Wedding Blogs and Moving Sites

I kind of really appreciated this post. I felt pretty similarly when I found out the ginormous amount of information there is on the internet when it comes to wedding planning. I've gotten to a point where I just want to like what I like and I'm sticking to it. What's worse is not a lot of the weddings or ideas I see are really plausible nor desire-able for Ben and me. It's definitely an art to just enjoy the beauty and not be overwhelmed by it.

Today is my last day at this client site. I almost can't believe that I'm not coming back here...maybe ever. It's both rather exciting and alarming at the same time. I almost got a beta fish, I've been here so long. It's a good thing I didn't!

It'll be a week or so until I find out for sure if I'm going to this other bank which is located in the World Financial Center. I think it still takes about an hour to get there, but the change in commute (which will be cheaper because I don't have to take the PATH!) is welcomed. I also look forward to being downtown again. It has been years since I worked down there. It's also a Japanese bank, and I look forward to experiencing another kind of corporate culture. This French bank I'm in now is sooo different from American banks, it's kind of really cool. I could write a paper on this.

Meanwhile, I'll be at our Times Square headquarters doing God knows what. I hope to be as helpful as possible with our internal projects. At the same time, I'd really like to get some short days or working from home days. Then I can finally fix the registration of my car!

Preparing for Marriage

I've been noticing something in me that I find rather disgusting. I've been judging every person I ever look at or even think of. I'm not sure how long this has been going on, or why I'm even so aware of it now (probs the Holy Spirit), but I've just felt really stupid about it lately. I see so many people in one day, just by virtue of taking public transit. And I literally form judgments about a person's character and personality just by looking them up and down. I think I did start noticing this when I started just looking at people's various engagement/wedding rings and thinking about what I would want for myself. I realized that the judgments I made on the ring's beauty and size suddenly transferred to what I thought about the person...without even talking to them.

And why am I doing this? Why such self-righteousness? It's because I'm not accessing the free love, grace, and mercy of the Lord. The hardest thing about living the Christian life, is the repetitive nature of repentence. God's love is so powerful as to demand all of me. But when I don't fully grasp the glory of the Gospel, I suddenly have no idea about my acceptance and full assurance in Jesus. The very way I live my life is affected. I literally can't love as much, nor serve as much, and accept as much. I must feel better about myself by putting people down. Again and again, I need to remember and marinate in the truth that I am robed in the righteousness of Jesus. I am, in fact, one with Him. I abide in Him and He remains in me.

It's been cool that these thoughts have been prompted by the whole process of preparing for marriage. The parallels of increasing oneness with Ben and increasing realization of God's actual oneness with me has been cool and scary to see. Ok, so maybe Ben was that person I'd been thinking about and praying for all my life, that person I'm actually gonna marry. But God has always been in my life, whether I like it or not, whether I paid attention or not. He has always been my husband, I have always been saved. My salvation was never dependent on how wise I am or how much I obeyed or even how much I believe, it depended on God. Much like Gomer, it doesn't matter how much she had done, she was still Hosea's wife. So for all time and eternity, Jesus has already clothed me with his wealth, glory, and honor. I've never done anything without His help.

It's a little scary to think about how marriage is a model like this that was created by God. That no matter how ugly your spouse gets, how demeaning their spirit may become, or even how terrible a parent they end up being, it is your job to stick it out and make them better, even if it costs you terribly. That is God's way of loving us after all, and if we can't even love the one person we're supposed to love in this way, how can we ever serve the poor and the marginalized (that's a Mike Mason paraphrase btw)? The simplicity of marriage, you're given one person to love above any other human being, including yourself. That's it! How difficult, but man, how beautiful! God is a genius.

Cha-cha-cha-changes

There's this new management structure that's being implemented in my company, and I'm meeting with my new managers today. I'm kind of excited, kind of dreading. I think I just don't like feeling so vulnerable about work stuff when it has nothing to do with counseling ^_^. But I think it's gonna be great overall and nothing to really worry about. My managers are great guys who've I've talked to candidly about a great many things. If anything, I might be able to voice things that I haven't been able to before, or just don't know how to. It's what's great about having a younger, smaller company I guess. Maybe I feel lost out there without structure, but the informality of it all really helps me feel secure in my relationships with work people...well, at least the management. I always was the type to have friends older than me.

My project has ended, and it's my last week here at the client. I can hardly believe it. My first and only project. It's more normal to have 3-4 projects a year, and yet here I've been at the same desk. It's weird. I always knew I would eventually leave, but there's a weird sensation that's similar to when you quit or lose your job (though Thank the Lord Almighty, I have yet to experience the latter). I've been taking stuff home slowly, the high-heel shoes, the umbrella I found on the subway, the newspapers I saved from the election, inauguration, and when Lehman collapsed...And all these pictures of friends and family. I also put down some stickies with the Scripture that meant the most to me in one of the most major transitions of my life. The pack rat in me wants to keep it all, but I think I'll be throwing stuff away more than not. I really nested here too. Most consultants have such a bare desk, you could hardly guess that it's being used. I guess I'm just different like that.

A part of me is relieved to have an excuse to do nothing. As in, it is valid that I have nothing to do because I haven't been given an assignment yet. My hope is that I might not need to come into the offices at all and "work from home", even just for a little while. What a gift that becomes when you start working. Even when I do save up my days and have a long vacation, there's just something about not having to wake up at 6am on a weekday and to nap in the middle of the afternoon. I may not have been busy at my job, but it's not the same as staying home and not coming in at all or not staring at a screen all day.

I think that's what I really like about my job. I always know that I'm eventually gonna leave wherever I'm at, but enjoy the relative stability of being a salaried worker. Who knew being a consultant would be so appropriate for me.

We are the weird ones

One of the annoying things about weddings/marriage is that most people have an opinion about it, and anyone who hears you're getting married suddenly wants to give you unwanted advice. This is way different than friends giving you an opinion, as that's completely normal and welcome, this is when random people, just because they think you're young and naive, just start telling you what you have to/should do. Boundaries, people, BOUNDARIES!

Unfortunately, I think Ben gets this stuff a lot more than me, not quite sure why (probably because I don't go to happy hour and you wouldn't normally talk about this in a corporate environment). The most annoying thing that keeps coming up since we graduated is, "Why don't you live together?" We've obviously been serious and all the more now that we're engaged (teehee understatement), so people generally just think, well, hey, you live an hour away from each other(!), why not just move in? I think what makes it most annoying is that if it really were that easy, then of course we would. But life ain't about being easy, it's about serving God, the Church, and those outside the Church. But again and again, we run into people who are surprised to find us "inconveniencing" ourselves, and the assumptions behind all assumptions is that we're in love and so we should do whatever we want. Get married, don't get married, move in together, don't move in if it's not convenient, have kids, don't have kids (ever), join your accounts or not, but above all else, of course you should definitely have sex. In fact, no sex is actually bad for you and just not healthy. You know what, we ARE in love, but we're not married yet and you don't really understand what love is if you think it means doing whatever you want or whatever "feels right". I think people who don't have a Biblical view of why we have marriage (and by that virtue dating) at all are just making stuff up, dependent on whatever is cool for our culture today.

I guess what's most annoying of all is that it wouldn't be such an issue if we didn't live in a city. It's just SO weird to find SO many people SO surprised as if we're the weird ones. These are all casual encounters btw, no one like that we're having a yelling match with or having weird conflict with because of it. It would just be nice to meet someone, for once, to meet someone who doesn't assume we're like the average engaged people in New York City. That when we say December won't say, "Wow! Of this year!" Or when they ask if we're moving in won't say "You should just do that now! It's so much easier!" Just so many unwanted opinions!

Jewelry and Coney Island

I just wanna say that if you're looking for any sort of real, good, reasonably priced jewelry in NYC, go to David S Diamonds. Ravin, the guy Ben got my ring from, is such an amiable person, and is just so surprisingly great to deal with. You just don't feel hustled, which is rare for me nowadays as I need to put my gameface on whenever I'm dealing with a wedding purchase of some sort. Even if it's just talking myself down. Anyway, just ask me if you have that kind of need.

This last week has been so surprisingly social. It never ceases to amaze me the randomness of what dictates how busy you are at any given point in time when there aren't any structures to your time (like semester, quarter, finals, etc.).

Ben and I took my cousins to Coney Island yesterday. It was all our first time there, so it was very interesting. I think the beach there is actually better than Rockaway...though more crowded. The 4 of us squeezed onto my beach towel and even laid out a little. The facilities and the food were better too...thinking I'm definitely going back this summer!

Calling and Wedding Tidbits

So apparently, Mike Mason added an extra chapter to "The Mystery of Marriage" when he was 10 years into marriage. The original book was from his musings during engagement and it became a book the year after. How does someone know so much about marriage being so new to it? I really wouldn't know.

This is from a parable he quotes in the new chapter:

"Looking back, I can see that before then, in spite of having a lover and all, really I was still behaving pretty much like my own person: single, autonomous, marching to a private drum. And expecting Christopher just to tag along! It was almost as though I were the only person on earth, lost in my own little dream world. But ever since that mysterious transaction at the altar, like it or not I've found myself living not my own life but Christopher's: doing Christopher's work, thinking Christopher's thoughts, getting used to Christopher's body as being my own body, and trying, however clumsily, to do all things just the way Christopher wants them done. And since there is legally only one living person now in place of two, I even took his full name, first and last, as my own: Christopher Rainbow."

It's interesting how much it pinpoints how people are prone to use one another. We are prone to like what we like, and just like the people who like that same thing. In fact, according to C.S. Lewis, that is the definition of friendship.

I'm not gonna lie, the call of being a wife is kind of scary. To live as if I'm not living my own selfish life, a life I've been used to living until now. Because when you start using your husband for your own agenda and desires, then it is to your downfall, because you are ONE. Whatever you do to him, you do to yourself.

Wedding Planning status (in case you wanna know):
-Guest List is pretty much finalized. Woot!!!

-We've figured out our Save-the-Dates with the wonderful, fabulous, and brave Kyo (this woman is doing 3 weddings, in one of which she's a maid of honor!, oh brave, brave soul). I'm so extremely happy with how it turned out. And I'm so extremely happy that I can look at other people's with full on glee, without feeling like I'm supposed to look at it and see what I like about it. I just really like these kinds of things, as previously mentioned.

-We have begun the registering process, complete with registering needs checklist. I always enjoy shopping with Benny, so it should be a fun experience.

-Contemplating a DIY centerpiece involving candles on a dish with wedding flowers strewn on. Should be $100-$200 cheaper. AND the bridesmaids would have actual bouqets (though small ones...and also DIY, including mine...which I'm not sure we know how to do yet with orchids). Hmm...

-I keep seeing other wedding dresses and get a tinge of fear and doubt that I chose the wrong one....which is pretty ridiculous, because it's absolutely beautiful and in my price range, but it's the tension that comes with making a decision early, and the fact that I can't look at it. I keep telling myself, "You wear it for one day, you wear it for one day." I must amuse myself with thinking of options for a coat or something to keep warm!

-Blue Nile and Amazon have pretty affordable wedding rings, but I wonder if it's safe to buy online...But I know the whole reason why they're cheaper is they pay way less overhead...I usually wouldn't be so apprehensive, but jewelry is just something I don't know much about.

Pricing

One wedding decision annoyance is not knowing what a fair price is. Everything is super-bloated in the wedding industry. I hate it that when something is within my budget, I can't really tell if it's a fair price or just that I'm over-budgeting. Imperfect information sharing just leads to inefficient markets. And I think the problem is that there is a ridiculous range of prices you could pay for any single item.

Related to pricing is how annoying it is that even when you DIY, it's not necessarily cheaper. It can be, in fact, more expensive. Example? Makeup. I don't really wear makeup, but if I did that myself it would probably cost me more money than if I used a professional to do it for me the day of, plus I would not be stuck with makeup that I'm not really gonna use. Also, there's the worrying about having it done well. I COULD do the centerpieces myself, go and buy some orchids on Sunday and put them together, but I'd be so stressed out already, and it would be one more thing I have to do that Sunday. There's something about just paying to get it done that is so appealing...though more expensive. I just wish I knew a florist and a hair and makeup person who wouldn't have to charge me an arm and a leg. Networking fail!

Into Week 7 of Engagment

Believe it or not, I think today was the first day I actually thought that I wish this wedding stuff was all over already. I wished MANY times that all the decisions, decisions, decisions, and the bills that go with those things would be over, but I oddly enough hadn't felt the rush to be actually married and to actually have the wedding. It's curious how challenging marriage really looks when it's staring you down, even in the best of times.

I don't think I'm necessarily much better equiped now than I was in Week 1 for marriage. I think I'm just getting tired of having these "To-do's" 2-6 months in advance. Some of which are really major like finding an affordable 1 bedroom in Manhattan...which I've never had to worry about! I'm surprisingly not the kind of person who likes actual lists of things to-do written out. I usually remember what I need to do. If I know I won't remember what I need to do, then I make special effort to write it down...and then end up just remembering better since I wrote it down. Generally, I've relied on my memory for these kinds of things. This is what makes me hate planning/anticipating big, obnoxious, life-changing events. I like to know EVERYTHING about everything, but that's a little impossible to do! Things like a wedding have so many moving parts and tiny details, kind of representative with how big a deal it is. I just really want to go to all the vendors and book them, and make all these things, and talk with all these people, and buy all these things, I've already decided on...but I know how weird that would be to do at this point in time.

Whenever someone asks about my plans and I tell them all about the things we've already done, I sometimes get a "Wow, you're so organized!" I wanna say, "No, it's more like I'm crazy!".

However, I'm finding that just like anything in this adult life, transitioning is gonna take time. I've been grateful for this time so far. Ben and I absolutely need that time. But when I see a deal on bubble blowers on the Knot and realize that I probably shouldn't buy it because I'll have 6 month old bubble solution at my wedding and I must stop myself from making my decision final...it's just so frustrating and representative of the larger reality of engagement being a holding station. True, a holding station made by God where much growth will happen, but a holding station nonetheless.

My First Bloxham Family Vacation

I'm gonna make an effort and write a few key things about the trip. I'm having issues with the Facebook uploader thing, so hopefully Picasa won't let me down, the slideshow is below!

-I had never been to Hawaii before. Being an island girl myself, I was excited to see a new one. It was weird having coconut trees in the backyard of the house and something we call calachuchi trees in the front yard of someone else's house in the same way it was back in the Philippines. There was also some sleeping grass, which we got video of in action (it closes up when you touch it). There were also a lot of hibiscus bushes around which we call gumamela, the flowers of which you can make bubbles from (that's right, bubbles). There were also these little lizards that used to scare the hell out of me when we lived in the projects, except these ones wouldn't make this ominous clicking sound. It was just so weirdly nostalgic having all that familiar flora and fauna. I didn't expect to be so taken by the smells and sights of it.

-Coming into a new family that's very different than mine is awkward and it will continue to be. BUT this was a lot like a retreat in that the more time you spend with people, the more you just get to know them. I found my eclectic tastes to be of service in connecting with each person. I felt very grateful to be welcomed into the Bloxham family.

-I am back to my normal color. As in I haven't been this tan since...since probably when I was 9 years old before moving to America. I have no idea how long it will take to wear off, but I'm sure gonna enjoy it while it lasts.

-I finally felt comfortable in the ocean again. I think in NY it was really hard to feel safe in the ocean because of the rockiness and the huge waves, but the Pacific is just awesomely familiar and warm, even with the scary waves. Being exposed to it so many times helped me reunite with it.

-It was nice to feel like I was ready to go home by the end of it. Sign of a good vacation is that you love it, but you're also itching to leave by the end.

-I just generally do very well in tropical heat.

-I unexpectedly got to watch "Wanted" finally. And it oddly made me think of work and how useless I feel at work. Not that I want to be an assassin or anything, but I was comforted by the fact that I'm not alone in this feeling, even if it was such a juvenile (but enjoyable!) movie.

-I skyped with my parents while we were there and got to show them around the house. They even said hello to Ben's parents!



SIDE NOTE: We won the lottery and saw Shrek before we left! It was super cute. Check the soundtrack to the right.

Stationary, an old friend

So invites and other paper-related products that I want for this wedding is one of the more exciting parts for me, though turning out to be a lot more expensive than I anticipated...sometimes I think I'm even more excited about it than my dress. Don't ask me why. To cut down costs, we'll be sending out the invite through email to a large amount of the young'ins. Either way though, all invitees will see the fabulous work of Kyo Y (her last name means inside the mountain, just so you know). Of course, I have yet to see this fabulous work, but I'm sure it'll be great! I'm just so super grateful for her services.

I've been seeing pictures from the National Stationary Show on wedding blogs. And turns out Kyo actually went to it yesterday! I'm so very jealous! I don't know, I think I just really love pretty paper. I'm thinking this would be one of my dream alternate careers, owning a stationary store. It would be great to be surrounded by such beauty, yet not necessarily having to create that. As well as facilitating the communication of people.

I used to collect stationary as a girl...sadly enough I had nothing to use it for. I'm not sure what ended up happening to all of it. I think this was the only reason why I wanted a pen pal...and you know, friendship. I started writing letters to my cousin, Jikki, for this reason. I wrote so much to her, that I memorize their address. Who does that nowadays?

I don't remember the last time I actually wrote a letter to someone. I still have the various stamps and real candle wax and "X" seal that I used. I even had one of those feather pen things that you could buy at Barnes and Noble ^_^. I should really try writing more often, then maybe people would start writing me back! It will be a letter-writing revolution!

I just really loved this save the date that I saw on Brooklyn Bride. It's so hilarious to me! So simple, yet communicating exactly what I want.

Lala again, and Being a Loner

I cannot believe it is only Tuesday. I'm battling this headache that has seemed to persist throughout yesterday and today. It tends to ebb and flow though.

Apparently it is really easy to embed a song or even an entire playlist from Lala to Blogger. I'm mucho excited at the possibilities. For you RSS readers out there, come to the site to check it out on the side bar.

I just cannot make friends with the young people I work with. As I sometimes do, I walked out with Christine to the mall today, because she was buying her lunch there. I had brought and already eaten my lunch, so this was purely just to chat a bit. Then we sit at a table with other Business Analysts/Senior Business Analysts we know. I'm never exposed to this crowd anymore. I haven't gone to their frequently scheduled happy hours for several months now. Why? Well, because I don't think I've got anything to talk with them about. All they ever do is make fun of each other and tell stories about their bouts of public drunken tom-foolery. I've really got nothing to add to that. The women also forever talk about the random cute guys they meet at bars or other similar venues. I may know all about being needy and desperate, but I've never been around people who have gone so far as to embrace it as what defines who they are. I just thought most people would be ashamed of it. This annoys me to say the least, and I feel like I have nothing in common with any of them.

Sometimes I think I talk to Christine only because she's pilipina, a commonality strong enough for us to talk about random things. Also, maybe because she's been in a relationship so long, she doesn't go on and on and on about boys and relationships. She's also had more experience and may be more mature in terms of work and life in general.

It's just frustrating that I get along better with the 40-something Joel, talking about the rental market in January and interest rates, than with these people my age. At the very least, it makes me feel like a loner everytime I'm forced to hang out with any of them outside of work. I wish work would be more like The Office sometimes. Maybe that's why I don't like watching it.

I guess I'm just not that person who's character, relationships, community, worth, happiness come from work. And that's a good thing.

I wish it was Sunday

I know it's a Monday when I've got a headache looking at a screen all day. Imagine if I was doing actual work! I sincerely never realize where my day goes. Having this 9-hour block of time, unscheduled...it's confusing.

Lala and Idolizing my wedding

So I just signed up for Lala this rival to iTunes, except with a totally different business model and looks to be web-based. You can listen to the entire song once before buying. Also, you can add songs to your collection for 10 cents for unlimited play, and the first 50 are free! You can play it from any browser, which is perfect for me at work! (Until IT gets with it and blocks it). I'm not sure about pricing, but so far "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce is $1.19 and "Rockstar" by Nickelback is $0.79 ^_^. And you can upload all your music onto their site so I could listen to my music at work! Crazy! Of course, like all the newest things, it has a social aspect to it, but I'm assuming I won't have too many friends on there for now.

I've been thinking about shame lately and how that relates to our idols. This wedding is definitely a "near" idol that needs to be destroyed. But I think I never really thought about how insecure we can be with our idols. At least, I've never really applied this thought to my own idol of having the perfect wedding. When we worship anything other than God, we really associate our identity with it. Like if we worship friends or relationships, we morph ourselves to be exactly like our friends just to be cool, neglecting to nurture how God made us uniquely. This is like High School socializing 101! But something in all of us knows, it's not enough for our souls and never will be. So whenever an idol like this is attacked, our very self feels attacked.

Let me apply this to wedding stuff. Whenever someone questions and/or is fairly negative about a decision I made for the wedding, I feel attacked personally. As if that person is not just saying I'm doing everything wrong (which isn't necessarily what they're saying), but I myself am wrong. Beneath this feeling is the feeling of being shamed. Feeling that if my wedding isn't perfect that it's reflective of my shameful self. Why does it shame me? Because it has become my god, I have sacrificed everything for it, and loved it above all things, BUT it does not redeem, love, cherish, protect, strengthen me. It in fact does nothing but give me some human approval, which is rather worthless in the long run. It is not JESUS CHRIST who gave all of Himself for my sins and for the restoration of my beauty and true self, which is something infinitely more valuable and everlasting.

It's taken me awhile to kind of parse through the various feelings and triggers that has been going on the last few weeks. I'm sure there will be more to come. I've been using my control over wedding plans as my savior to try and fight the feelings of shame at the prospect of having a "sub-par" wedding. Really, I must not be like "chaff that the wind blows away" fighting for myself. I must be "like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." This realization took me a lot longer than it should've, but I love how it didn't take me as long as it used to ^_^. God has been so gracious to me.

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night." - Psalm 1:1-2

Rollin' with my homies

While talking to my boss today about possibly needing to turn in status reports tomorrow (because he'll be out), he mentions that some people may start to be rolled off the project, since we've got nothing to build at this point...It's so weird to think I'll actually might leave this cubicle in Jersey City, and might do some actual work in some other busy building, but be in a completely stable job (well...you know, as complete as you can be in this economy). How exciting! I know work isn't always going to be this huge fulfilling thing in my life and that it doesn't have to be, but it's nice to think about the prospect of change on the horizon. I'm really getting quite tired of awkwardly asking if there's anything to do and just getting the "nope, I'm good" answer. I just sit at my desk ruminating about the wedding without a buffer from the anxiety that brings. Anyway, I really like what comes with being a consultant. I see other young people who work for the client, and I marvel at the thought that the other job I was interviewing for was for their type of job. I think I just like knowing that where I'm at isn't the end until I get promoted or something. But my company gives me the much needed stability I need, so that I'm not like out on my own trying to market myself. I can't even imagine!! Somehow, I still like my firm and look forward to growing with it. I can see myself staying there for quite some time. Also, they're rolling out some new business cards that say "Consultant" on them, and I am TOTALLY psyched. God is so gracious, even in the little things (one might say, especially in the little things).

Wedding annoyance of the day: "December 21st...that's a Monday right?" Yes, silly vendor. So give me a cheaper price! What ELSE are you doing that day?

Ribbon Bird, Freedom and Love

My brother and I used to make ribbon birds like this when we were younger. I forget why we got so into it, or where we learned it from, but I think my brother was running for student council. He made a ton of blue ribbon birds and used a safety pin to put them on people. It was really apropros because the school's mascot involved an eagle and the school color was blue. I've been thinking about somehow incorporating this in the design of our wedding, just because I think it's unique. I grabbed this picture from here.

At the same time as his bird-making, there was this trend at school (my all-girls Catholic school) where girls started selling stuff to each other, like cupcakes, fans, bracelets and other girly things. So I thought, hey, maybe I can sell these ribbon birds as pins. So my mom and I made some (like a lot, like 30 or something) and put it in a little box with some safety pins. I was so excited, I thought this was the best idea ever. I took it to school, but I think only 2 people or so ever really bought one. I was kind of disappointed and didn't know why my plan didn't work. I don't even think I wanted the money, I just wanted to be popular. And as if I didn't learn from this experience I tried selling it again in middle school at this market day thing when people spend fake money they earned as bonus points. I think it just confused people yet again. Why would they want one? OH you know, if you were trying to add beauty to your life...I guess that's not something you're interested in when you're young. These experiences probably have a lot to do with why I don't understand entrepreneurship.

So I've been reading "The Mystery of Marriage", and as I mentioned he is totally a feeler. You can also totally tell he's a man, by what he emphasizes as the difficult parts of marriage. The closeness, the realness, the not being alone, etc. These are things that I certainly struggle with at times, and more and more as marriage becomes ever more real, but I just think most women I know struggle with wanting this too much from men. But that's my $.02. It is still rather excellent. It's kind of like he's persuading you about the wonderfulness of marriage BECAUSE it's raw, close, real, and ever watchful. But for me, it's more like reading more about something I've already been sold on. The reason why he sounds like this may be because it's geared toward people who are already married. I can definitely see how easy it would be to forget what he's talking about.

"It is no secret that there is this heady, breathtaking freedom in love, but how many realize that the marrying kind is the headiest of all? In a person about to be married there is a quality of footloose derailment, as if an old rusty locomotive had suddenly sprouted wings and soared away from its tracks. Being engaged is like entering a new stage of childhood, right down to the feeling of strange new chemicals being released into the body. It is, in fact, like having a new body, like being a brand new creature just emerged from a cocoon, with shining skin not quite dry. It is like baptism. The world is so bright, and this crazy new body is so incredibly sensitive to everything. It is one thing to be a new creature as a baby, without any sense of self-consciousness. But it is something else when this happens to an adult. One stumbles around, lumbers, cranes, reels. And what are those ponderous appendages on one's back, thos preposterous, unwieldy contraptions that keep lifting one up into the air?"

Wedding, wedding, wedding

Somebody suggested (perhaps Dan T) that I get new business cards saying "Bride / Wedding Planner". It does have a ring to it.

I ordered my wedding dress last Saturday and am very happy that that's over with. I had a rather specific idea in mind, and I was really worried that I wouldn't find it. I'm excited for the fittings that will slowly make this dress mine.

I've been looking at assorted wedding things today. I've been giving some serious thought on centerpieces.

This one is from the Knot. I like how these are both things I can get from Ikea: river rocks, rectangular vase. Check!

But I think I still really love this look (that I got from Blooms By the Box ), seeing the flowers through the glass. I guess it depends on how clear the glass is and pricing for the florist. I don't know if I want to use Blooms By the Box just because I don't wanna stress out about ordering something so close to the wedding. The caterer has some tea lights we could use too.

So I've learned a couple things so far while planning this thing. I was never the type of person to have her wedding all planned out already and all you need is the groom (oddly enough from someone like me, but it's true). So it's interesting what pops up. There are certain things I really don't care about. Somethings that I'm even surprised at how much it's just not important to me. Like the bridesmaids dresses aren't important to me (hey, they're all pretty hot, I'm not really worried about them looking absolutely beautiful). Ceremony decorations, my bouqet, bridesmaids' bouqet, food, alcohol. What are important to me are sentimental, meaningful, and unique musical choices and beauty. Beauty is a big one. I think the colors are really important and the design of the save-the-dates to the floral arrangements should somehow tie in together.

This makes it really hard to look through all the ideas out there. At least with my dress, I had an idea, but because I'm kind of open to other designs, it's a bit of a crapshoot. Also, you start feeling like having a beautiful wedding is impossible, because you can never do all these things they're suggesting. It's absolutely not true, but it's the lie I must contend with. I think it's very similar to reading Seventeen magazine and feeling really ugly and/or abnormal. I never did read those much.

There's a lot to stand up to the world to and say "NO!". Everyone has an opinion about weddings and marriage, and it's interesting the people that just freely give me advice, even when I didn't ask for it. Some of it is good of course, but it's annoyingly bad mostly, especially when they don't know me or me in a relationship with Ben that well. I think what's weird about it is that they left me alone about every other important decision I've made thus far, and all of the sudden they've got something to say about what date my Wedding should be. I'm realizing that I'm just not used to that. My parents were very hands off with me (as they continue to be now, except of course are more than ready to serve and help) and I'm just not used to people telling me something I've decided is wrong, especially when it was my decision to make. Deal with it! I don't care if you can come or not.

Obviously, I'm a little angry and stressed about it. Point is, all the random opinions from people who have no idea who I am is not helpful.

A Quick One

I worked on our wedding website today. It's not ready for public viewing or anything, but it's been fun to put together. It's hard to imagine what people who have never met me might want to hear about me. Should I be cute? Should I be sophisticated? Should I be intelligent? I'm not freaking out about it or anything...yet.

I also liked putting up some pictures. The famous picture of me attacking Ben when we went apple picking is up there. I will see if it is vetoed...Really it made me realize how long I've known Ben, and what we've shared in friendship, romance, and fellowship. Who would've guessed we would get this far? I can honestly say, I didn't.

Can I just say it is soooooooooooo weird to be trying so hard to NOT think about wedding and marriage before engagement (for obvious reasons of idolatry and whatnot), and then suddenly flip the switch and it is my job now to be thinking about that. To truly seek out what God means for marriage, as He invented it. Anyway, began reading "The Mystery of Marriage" by Mike Mason the other day. So far really, really AWESOME! Such a feeler.

Engagement Ring

Among the many adjustments one goes through when they decide to get married, I thought I would write about how adjusting to my engagement ring has been like. It's been odd to wear something 24/7 at work, on the subway, in bed, in the shower, that is sooooo valuable on so many different levels, and not just to me but to another person as well. The only thing that comes close are my earrings with my birthstone, and that's just cause I'm too lazy to take out TWO sets of earrings, and just take out one. I have to be careful now when I wear certain scarves, because little pieces of thread get caught on the setting of the ring. I haven't needed to wear gloves much, but I can imagine not knowing how to do that properly. It's also just really distracting and sparkly, so it's kind of really hard to forget you're engaged. It's just weird to be so normal, sitting on the couch, having some fried chicken, and all of a sudden the light catches on it and you realize you don't know if you should be eating with your hands.

Of course, I can and will, I'm pilipina after all. But it kind of draws on a larger point. It truly symbolizes a promise, a promise of going into a covenant relationship. One of my aunts when reacting to the news of our engagement talked about how in Jewish culture when you're betrothed people are basically already married (citing how Joseph thought he needed to divorce Mary quietly, when they were betrothed). And it's interesting because I heard from a Redeemer class once that the Greek word they use for the seal of the Holy Spirit or something (doing this from memory, SO not a seminary student) is actually the word for engagement ring. Basically, symbolizing how as Christians we are all engaged, and we keep being engaged until the Wedding Feast of the Lamb, when the church finally marries Christ. We don't get a ring from Jesus, we get the Holy Spirit who is always there 24/7 at work, on the subway, in bed, in the shower. Except it's a lot easier to forget that we belong to Jesus. It's a lot easier to just eat fried chicken and be a slob without even a thought to our marvelous state of being the Beloved. (again, not that there's anything wrong with that ^_^ just making a point).

Anyway, engagement is just this like really weird, unique time when that reality can really manifest itself.

Transition Remix

I realized that I may need to start forcing myself to write again. Work has just gotten slower and slower and I'm unable to find an anchor. PLUS, I realized (and this may make me sound stupid by how obvious it is) that I'm undergoing yet another huge transition cleaving more and more to Benjamin. AND, it's May again.

Last year, I was really stressed out about my family coming to New York and meeting Ben for the first time, getting all this attention, attention, attention from a large family, and generally getting ready for graduation itself to be a let down...and it was. It was not fun for me and seemed not really the way I would've wished to finish off 4 of the most important years of my life. I felt rather alone, lost and off-kilter.

Engagement is obviously something I joyously looked forward to and hoped for and differently so than Graduation. Though, I don't think I thought about Engagement as much as Graduation in terms of what this would actually look like, feel like, seem like. Confusion and being lost comes with every transition in varying degrees. I am so confused that I think I have to remind myself that it's completely normal to be confused. It's completely normal to be so happy yet anxious at the same time. That this is a GI-normous deal and whether I know it or not, I am dealing with a lot. I am in need of so much grace. I've been getting really good at making myself feel guilty these last couple months, but the penalty for my sin has already been fulfilled, and I must surrender.

Like always, I need to figure out how I'm not relying on Jesus. That's just a lot harder when I'm finding new footing in general.

It's gonna be interesting

If you haven't heard otherwise, Ben and I are engaged. Woot! YAY! WOW! We are so marvelously happy that so many people are so happy about it. It just feels like so much love was released into the world.

This also means we probably need lots and lots and lots of prayer against the enemy and against our own sinfulness and those around us. It sucks, but the last thing Satan wants is two Christians getting together and creating a new family. I've thought about how in general this is going to be a one-sided, rather selfish time for me. I'm going to be asking for help from a lot of people and just the thought of involving so many friends and family for my wedding (especially those with specific jobs and tasks) makes me feel a little guilty. But that's what community is about, and I know I'm battling lies of self-sufficiency in general (like not relying on Jesus in the planning process). Help me remember that I am loved and that I don't deserve this all at the same time!

A fun thought however, is that at such a time as this, I can actually plan a wedding quite comfortably. It's not like I'm swamped at work. I am soooo organized it's not even funny. Ben was saying how this is just like a merger, which is the project I'm on now! I could make a gant chart and a project schedule on MS Project if I wanted to! I'm such a Project Manager. It'll be hilarious if I end up being one in some future time, considering these weird beginnings being apprenticed to the most self-sufficient PM.

Also, I realized that it'll be fun sharing ideas on this blog. Today, I've thought about flowers for a little bit. With the possibility of having a winter wedding, it's a daunting thought. But this site seemed to have some good advice about flowers that are in season and using a mix of silk flowers for the ones I really, really want (which are orchids and calla lillies). What do you think of the winter flowers they suggest?

Writing Skillz and Prayer

It is slowly dawning on me that I may not be as bad a writer as I thought. I don't mean that in terms of being able to craft a story, but in a way that I can really communicate what I need to communicate in words. This is more than I can say for my writing in the recent past. I hate to say it, but somehow my Writing the Essay professor was right, it just takes practice to be better at writing. And writing in this blog has definitely allowed for A LOT of practice.

As we all know, I read a lot of blogs on Google Reader. And there are quite a few writers that really bother me, but I keep my subscription because they keep giving me good information. I usually just skim through the bolded titles. I think I prefer it when people are genuine in their writing, and write like they talk. It sucks, because they probably really worked on this long post, but people don't read all of their musings. Because, honestly, who cares about your musings if I don't know you.

On a completely different note, I want to thank Joanna M in this public forum for giving me "The Valley of Vision" at the end of my Sophomore year, even when it wasn't very clear I would even take a liking to it or knew how to use it for myself. Who knew I'd be so into the Puritans only a few years later? It has helped me pray on such a deeper level than I ever could imagine. One prayer in particular has this stanza in it that has really hit home to me what I'm supposed to do in my adult life. It's bolded below.

"Vocation"

"HEAVENLY FATHER,
Thou hast placed me in the church
which thy Son purchased by his own blood.
Add grace to grace that I may live worthy of my vocation.

I am a voyager across life's ocean;
Safe in heaven's ark, may I pass through a troubled world
into the harbour of eternal rest.

I am a tree of the vineyard thou hast planted.
Grant me not to be barren, with worthless leaves and wild grapes;
Prune me of useless branches;
Water me with dews of blessing.
I am part of the Lamb's bride, the church.
Help me to be true, faithful, chaste, loving, pure, devoted;
Let no strong affection wantonly dally with the world.
May I live high above a love of things temporal,
sanctified, cleansed, unblemished, hallowed by grace,
thy love my fullness,
thy glory my joy,
thy precepts my pathway,
thy cross my resting place.
My heart is not always a flame of adoring love,
But, resting in thy Son's redemption,
I look forward to the days of heaven,
where no langour shall oppress,
no iniquities chill,
no mists of unbelief dim the eye,
no zeal ever tires.
Father, these thoughts are the stay, prop, and comfort of my soul."

This prayer by itself really taught me a lot about reliance on Jesus throughout the summer and fall, before I theologically thought it through recently in the last few months. This prayer isn't the only one that has helped me through, but it was one of the more influential ones. It's amazing how much prayer really can capture something true within your heart that's more complex than you think. Truly, prayer allows God to reach down and fill my needs to an even fuller extent than I realize. He's being more loving than I can even fathom.

[Please note that I changed my template. I got tired of the other one.]

Membership and Gospel Coalition

I did my Redeemer vows at the 10:30am service last Sunday. I do feel rather weird coming into the realization that I'm actually a member of Redeemer. This is mainly weird considering, I've technically been a member since February when they approved me. And it's not like my commitment to the church changes, or that I'd be serving and seeking fellowship there any differently (except maybe I can help out at the communion now and pursue becoming a deaconess!). But I guess there is something about standing there and having all those thousands of people witness you take a vow. Even if all you're saying is "Yes." People are witnessing what you're doing. And it's not like random people, it's people you've created community with too. Many thanks to Brittany B, Chens, Susan N, Allison B, Dan T, Kyo for being part of that witness and sharing your fellowship with us! [Edit: OMG, and Lauren H, AAAHHH, I'm so sorry, this totally doesn't mean I didn't appreciate you being there!!!...awkward]

I just listened to Tim Keller's talk at The Gospel Coalition Conference in Chicago. It's great to hear a talk from him to people he knows are Christians. When he does his sermons at Redeemer, they tend to need to be watered down a bit, because you never really know what kind of people are coming in through the door. That's the great thing about his sermons of course, that they reach all levels of belief, but it's a double-edged sword. It's nice to hear him throw it down and call out people on their idols, a little more like John Owen, though for our time and our culture. Anyway, I urge everyone to check it out!

It was cool to watch the live webcast and think, "Hey, that's my pastor" and "Whoa, I'm in Jersey City, they're in Chicago and this is all happening right now! Sweet!"

Application of "Reaching Out" to the Financial Crisis

I think the thing that is really hard to parse out about the current economic situation is the amount of vitriol people use for these financial titans they've trusted yet are now proven to be as human as the rest of us. People are seriously out for blood. It's funny, but so far I'm the only one out of my cousins that's decided to go for business as a vocation. Funny to me because I thought that was the most traditional thing anyone could do, go work for a company (though I didn't necessarily do it for "traditional" reasons or aims). Now the way things are going, looks like there's a shift to healthcare/education/social work...and there were always cousins who were pretty artistic so a fair amount will be writers, musicians, and graphic designers. Point is, with all this stuff going on, I'm a focal point in my grandfather's mind. He's always asking me, "Hey, have you cleaned up Wall St yet?"

To which I usually laugh off. Of course, he's half joking...but I wish I could answer him with what I really think about this stuff. Mainly that the crisis is all of our faults, coming out of a general brokeness of all things man made and there is none that seeks God, not one. I wish I could answer "Well, have you forgiven and made peace with your siblings yet?...No?...then not yet for me either."

I'm writing about this because Nouwen in "Reaching Out" mentioned it in a way I haven't heard anyone else do so. Most of the media are too busy placing blame and most people are interested in punishment. It's really affirming to know that another Christian thinks similarly about widespread crisis/suffering.

This quote is in the context of the civil rights activists of the sixties. It's a long one, but all of it is important.
"...If any criticism can be made of the sixties, it is not that protest was meaningless but that it was not deep enough, in the sense theat it was not rooted in the solitude of the heart. When only our minds and hands work together we quickly become dependent on the results of our actions and tend to give up when they do not materialize. In the solitude of the heart we can truly listen to the pains of the world because there we can recognize them not as strange unfamiliar pains, but as pains that are indeed our own. There we can see that what is most universal is most personal and that indeed nothing human is strange to us. There we can feel that the cruel reality of history is indeed the reality of the human heart, our own included, and that to protest asks, first of all, for a confession of our own participation in the human condition. There we can indeed respond.

It would be paralyzing to proclaim that we, as individuals, are responsible for all human suffering, but it is a liberating message to say we are called to respond to it. Because out of an inner solidarity with our fellow humans the first attempts to alleviate these pains can come forth.

It is this inner solidarity which prevents self-righteousness and makes compassion possible."

I'm obviously not a policy maker, so don't misunderstand where I'm coming from and what I'm trying to say. I'm just saying our attitudes need to change. And this has implications from the macro level to the micro everyday. I'm just tired of the self-righteousness both from within and without. Stop reacting and start responding creatively to the problems of this world that can only come from a solitude that works out your faith and dependance on God.

God's working on it, seriously!

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." - Galileo

I got this from one of those Committed to Freedom emails I get. I like how the quote highlights the fact that once you've found it, you've found it. I think I waste a lot of time running in circles instead of being in active discovery. The times when I'm most confused are usually the times I feel most far away from God. Nevermind that he's promised to be always there, literally over and over and over again (Genesis 5:18, Isaiah 49:15-16, Psalm 6:9, Psalm 91:15, etc.) but emotions kind of take over as if it were reality. I think amidst all this confusion, it's really easy to forget what you're looking for. What's the point of your sorrow? It shouldn't be wasted in despair and fear, but be used to create the fruit of the Spirit within us. This fruit can only be granted by God. Oftentimes though, I don't even ask for the fruit, I ask for an explanation, thinking this will relieve the confusion. But God doesn't want me to rely on myself, He wants me to be utterly dependent on Him, because that is my true identity. There is no other complete and wise Xaris but the one who abides in Jesus Christ.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." - James 1:2-8

Listing

I think Twitter has really changed the way I think about blogging, and it's making it really difficult to write out a complete blog post, since all my thoughts are compact and held in 140 characters. Thus, list-like posts have become a really attractive, though unoriginal, way to write. Also, I haven't been pushing myself to write everyday, so it's hard to know which inanities of life is really worth writing about.

-I am now a believer of Zicam. I had a 3 day cold instead of the usual 1 week. It's great!

-Ben met some more family over the weekend when we went to DC...and he's not done yet (I think he's got one more family set to go...and a few bachelor uncles). I counted it and I think I have about 57 people in my family which includes grandparents, their children, their grandchildren, and significant others. There was a bit of a Pascual reunion on Easter with other parts of the clan (as in second cousins...including my 21-year-old uncle). Honestly, as far as reunions go, it wasn't that large (though the size of an average Nav Nite!), and there were a lot of missing pieces, I mean, people. Of course though, there were tons of people there who knew who I was and probably carried me as a baby, but haven't seen me in 20 years or whenever it was they moved to America. The basic questions were asked, "Where did you go to school?" "What are you doing now?" "Where do you live?" "How's your brother?" (my brother was a bit of a superstar when we were growing up, being the first child of our generation...ever, on both the Pascual and Nakar side). Also, I didn't realize there were so many people in my family who went to Columbia and/or lived in NYC at some point in their lives. And Ben was a trooper as he had to endure similar questions from total strangers. I don't think I'm grateful enough because honestly in his place I'd probably freak out a little bit meeting and being with so much family for about 24 hours. I tell ya, he is THE boy you wanna bring home to yo momma. He also drove all 10 hours of the trip, so more props to him!

-Getting a haircut this Saturday from my Janet. Very excited about it.

-I love, LOVE Jewish holidays because Alternate Side Parking is suspended on those days, saving me about 20 minutes of time and heartache. Happy Yom Hashah!

-It makes me glad that the skin tone on my hands is noticeably darker than the color of my desk, making me think I might have gotten a tan at some point.

-I still don't really like DC (...classic moment in the car with my uncle. I say, "Kind of reminds me of Boston..." *awkward look toward Ben), as in I don't think I'd be way excited to move there from NYC. I always go there to visit people, and not the city itself. Meanwhile, people are always going to NYC and sleeping over, while not necessarily visiting me. It's very telling of a city.

-I've been feeling really grateful today for the silliest things in my life. Which is more than I can say about yesterday, or even the entirety of last week. Amazing what a difference a day makes. Here's hoping I keep depending on Jesus tomorrow. Ephesians 3:20

Because I probably won't blog on Easter

I went to the Redeemer "Resurrection: So You May Believe" class taught by Marty Young. It was really, really educational and spiritual. I've decided (I also took his "Becoming Wise" class) that I do like Marty a lot as a teacher. He may go on tangents often and is at the whim of the questions people throw at him (which annoys someone like me who likes planned things and people following through with the plan as planned), but even in that, he really does his job in satisfying questions, though the answers lead you to a more unsettling and complex place than you originally thought.

Someone asked the question that if Mary Magdalene saw all these angels rolling stones over, telling her that "He is risen!" and still didn't believe, how is that even possible? One would think if people just saw angels and God clearly just spoke to them about what they're supposed to do, then, THEN they'll know what to do. But Marty made an even deeper point than just the idea of supernatural things. In all this commotion when Jesus was not found in the tomb, and in all the accounts of the Resurrection, no one sees Jesus unless a) they believe or b) He reveals Himself, and further that Jesus prefers to reveal Himself through Scripture.

In one account, Jesus walks down the road with some dejected disciples, only they don't recognize Him. Jesus chastizes them with Scripture "He said to them, 'How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken! Did not the Christ have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?' And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself" (Luke 24:25-27). Finally, Jesus breaks bread with them and then disappears, and the disciples see Him as Jesus. Dude, these guys were JEWISH, they knew what the prophets said and were waiting for the Messaiah, and they STILL had a hard time believing.

I just thought the implications of all that was HUGE! You don't see Jesus unless you already believe or He reveals Himself to you, THAT'S IT! And it's still true in the world today. So many people still think Jesus was just a great teacher, and not the actual Christ who not only died but is risen and at the right hand of God the Father Almighty. Scripture is meaningless to those who cannot see. And we are so dependent on Scripture as the basis of our faith, our life, our religion. Marty pointed out, even the demons have seen angels, but are not saved, because they do not put their faith in Jesus.

If you really think about it, what an awesome opportunity for us that have come after. We have this book the Bible, that's all compiled already with all the Gospels. Even in that, what a gracious blessing!

The Bible

Has anyone ever heard of this guy, David Plotz, blogging about the Bible? I JUST found out about it today. He's a nominal Jew who decides to read every word of the Bible and blog about it. Apparently his book came out last month. Excuse my ignorance if you already know all about it.

I read through a little bit of his comments on Genesis. And of course, he has typical secular reactions toward the text (i.e. women being called "helper", Why don't Adam and Eve literally die after eating of the tree, the 2 creation stories). But it's also fun to read about his surprise and discovery of the things that are true, like when after the flood and Noah is on his ark and everyone else is dead, he realizes that the evil punished is not man against man but man against God. A lack of dependence and fear and reverence of God. It's just so interesting to read someone's fresh perspective on the Bible without the commentaries and sermons.

Together with what I've read from Nouwen recently (though yes, ironic or not, that is yet another book/commentary on the spiritual life), I realize that it can be very easy to just go from one book/wise person/sermon to the next without even really reading the Bible by yourself. I bought a compact ESV Bible recently, and somehow this translation really makes things rather clear. I cannot even count or recall how many dozens of books, study Bibles, and sermons I or my parents have spent money on in all of my life as a Christian. It's refreshing to just read the Bible early in the morning. I've been utilizing this site afterwards, to see some basic commentaries, but on the whole, it's been interesting going without a guide for a season.

Related to that, I'm amazed at how much Scripture is imbedded in my heart. True, in the midst of struggle and sorrow, that's what intentional verse memorization is for, but I am amazed how someone like me who has previously lived an adulterous life - memorizing verses like really, really well while never even actually reading the Bible (and let's be real, I could ignore Bible-readin' again in some other season) - can start to see the effects of reading and letting the Word of God take root. This has been a very recent discovery. I'll be sitting in Fellowship Group or someone is telling me something weird, or I'll be crying about one thing or another, and then Scripture, though perhaps sometimes with a vague reference like "Jesus said at some point", will come out at me. I'm not gonna lie, it's a satisfying experience, and I hope I remain grateful for it. It's so much better than quoting Tim Keller or Henri Nouwen. Because the Word of God is THE Word of God. The Word is His primary means of grace in the world as Paige Brown says (I know, I'm a walking contradiction ^_^, but there's lots of Scripture about the Word too: Joshua 1:8, 2 Timothy 3:16). I like how that's worded, "primary means of grace". The most powerful resource for life on earth.

Healthy Weight Loss plus Nouwen/Love/Loneliness

So I've lost about 10 lbs now, using the The Daily Plate. I'm amazed at how easy it has been for me to do, just because it's very convenient being at a computer all day. This is the graph of my progress (but because I'm a lady, I'm not going to publish the numbers that correspond ;-p). Weekends I usually don't log stuff in, and you can tell by the graph because it'll be the lowest weight I've ever been and then on Monday it goes up. Also a lot of the net calories on Fridays are weird, because I usually didn't finish off the day. But so far the process has really worked out overall as a balance between watching what I eat, and yet still being able to eat cookies ^_^. It's cool to see that a decrease in net calories (either eating less or exercising some off) really leads to a decrease in weight. Also, there's that huge loss on March 6th only because I finally got a weigh scale from craigslist and started to weigh myself every weekday.


Started reading "Reaching Out" by Henri Nouwen. Some really convicting quotes:

"Friendship and love cannot develop in the form of an anxious clinging to each other. They ask for gentle fearless space in which we can move to and from each other. As long as our loneliness brings us together with the hope that together we no longer will be alone, we castigate each other with our unfulfilled and unrealistic desires for oneness, inner tranquility and the uninterrupted experience of communion."

"But real oppenness to each other also means a real closedness, because only he who can hold a secret can safely share his knowledge...An inimate relationship between people not only asks for mutual openness but also for mutual respectful protection of each other's uniqueness."

"There is a false form of honesty that suggests that nothing should remain hidden and that everything should be said, expressed and communicated. This honesty can be very harmful, and if it does not harm, it at least makes relationship flat, superficial, empty and often very boring."

GAH! I am just utterly struck by my need for the Gospel to be true, otherwise I collapse into nothingness. Otherwise, I demand intimacy from other people, and suck them dry. Well, lets hope I grew out of that somewhat, but at the end of the day, I still struggle with knowing what is appropriate to find in community and what to ultimately find in God.

One of the women in our Fellowship Group is currently pregnant and might give birth any day now. She was remarking on how weird it is that as an adult, she has experienced all kinds of love (parents, sibling, friendship, husband) and then you have a baby, and that's a completely new kind of love. I'm only 23, and have not experienced all the kinds she has, and I think the more love I experience from people, the more wisdom I must have in knowing how to deal with that. Like everytime I start loving another person or start loving a person more, I realize that it just means I need to love God all the more. It doesn't necessarily mean I demote the person in my life, it means I must place God higher than even that. I think that's how the Church of Christ is built up to become more and more like God. That's really hard to figure out, especially with a heart that's so selfish and sinful. You start to realize how high, wide and deep God's love is, and his capacity to love is infinitely greater than I'll ever get to. It's kind of like looking at my grandparents and knowing how much they gave up for their children and grandchildren, and thinking..man, could I do that?..but times infinity.

I didn't grow up with any deep friendships. And I think that has a lot to do with what God thought was best for my maturity. Things like that aren't just throwaway facts of a terrible childhood, but crafted by God to be that way for His own glory.

This idea brings hope and comfort, but it doesn't make the pain of the process go away. That's what makes counseling so necessary. And as Nouwen points out: "The real spiritual guide is the one who, instead of advising us what to do or whom to go offers us a chance to stay alone and take the risk of entering into our own experience." Basically, don't waste your sorrows and ultimately deal with loneliness by entering into it with just you and God, and use the opportunity to see more of God and His glory and love. It's surprising how faithfully God shows up when we truly ask Him to.

Flashbacks

I realized I kind of lose the real sense of time passing when I don't have major anchors to tell me so. I read some older posts of mine, just to find some kind of grounding. It seems to me my posts were just a little different. Thought I'd post some samples below:

"Ben got me reading this book 'Dynamics of the Spiritual Life: An Evangelical Theology of Renewal' by Richard Lovelace. Here's a good quote: 'The lifelong process of mortifying sin involves a gradual detection process by which the particular forms in which sin expresses itself in our lives, our characteristic flesh, are uncovered to our view. Some of this discovery of sin occurs early in our Christian lives, but the subtlety of indwelling sin is such that many of its deeper roots remain under the surface of consciousness, where they will continue to distort our lives if they are not uncovered later.'...Everyday is a constant spiritual struggle to hold fast onto Jesus. I feel too weak for the call of holiness, and I fear failure and letting people down. My life has changed dramatically and I fear that I can't handle this, despite all the encouragement from people who have said otherwise." from "Conformity"

"I completely know the answer to the question marks, but I still feel them. 'Was there, then, no strength in growing up? No solace in being an adult?' I was also reading Dynamics last night. And it was a part where he was talking about the Holy Spirit and the lack thereof in the church...He made an interesting point that the Holy Spirit is like being face to face with God, all the time. ALL THE TIME, face to face, YOU and GOD. After that I read some Puritan prayers about the Holy Spirit. Obviously, I've been having good times with the thought." from here

"'However important [growing my character] may be, this process of repentance trains us in habits of the soul that are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God.' (from a 1 John Redeemer study). As Tim Keller says about relationships "Love is an action first, a feeling second." How could we expect any more from ourselves in our relationship with God? If loving God and being in a relationship with Him means forcing myself to sing a hymn, say a prayer, or read out stale sounding words, I'm going to freaking do it because it was what I was made to do. Like with most things, the focus isn't on receiving or even giving with excellence (that's covered by God in His covenant with us), really the focus is who you're giving to. That's what eros is, and that's the metaphor God likes to use with Christ as the groom and the Church as the bride." from "Life is Repentance (Rejoicing)"

Fig Trees

For one reason or another, I hadn't been listening to my iPod while commuting. This past weekend I did that Autofill thing on my Shuffle to get some new songs in there. It had the most uncanny timing this morning.

After I read Spurgeon's morning meditation on the train. I put on the iPod and it was some really good David Crowder which I haven't listened to in awhile. And as I was getting out of my last train and surfacing to the ground, The Northern's "All The Greatest Things" came up, which was really surprising since I really haven't listened to them in months and months. Made crossing the street toward the skyscraper I work in suddenly very dramatic. I forgot this was in there but what struck me today was this line: "We are fruitless fig trees..." Dave puts it in there real quick, but it meant a lot to hear it today.

I've been really feeling useless and fruitless at work. It seems this is the ongoing struggle of this season in my life. My degree, my intelligence, my spiritual depth, my social skills, my insight, all of it is counted as loss, and all of the sudden no one cares what Xaris is doing all day. At school, people would at least judge you for not working hard, but now, they don't even care to know. It's this feeling of continually moving forward in wide steps and growing and changing and maturing and learning, while essentially being exactly where I was 9 months ago. Teehee like a baby! What if I'm never born? I feel so held back. Like I'm stuck in this womb and God won't let me out until His time. It's draining to do nothing with yourself, hoping you're not being foolish. Like you're not doing what you were meant to do. It's kind of like what Jesus says about the fig tree. If it's fruitless, it might as well be dead.

But the greatest truths I've known have been absurd. And as Jesus brings judgment on this tree, he takes the punishment on Himself. He violently tears Himself to pieces for the love of the fruitless. This infinite life-giving fruitful tree does this for me the death-deserving fruitless tree. My complaints are silenced at this thought. I can only be justified by this faith and trust that I am sanctified in this period of angst and waiting.

Morning in the City

My cousin, Josh, has been staying with me the last couple days. I just wanna express how weird it is to wake up with someone else in my room (not like a hotel room or whatever where I'm expecting to wake up next to my brother or a friend, MY room). I realize I'm not really used to sharing a room, because I never had to. Though I am used to sleeping with another person beside me, because I slept in my parents' bed until I was 9 years old and now I compensate by having pillows galore. Just an observation.

Point is, I've not had my ordinary mornings with WQXR waking me up as my alarm or listening to NPR while I dress. In fact, I think I really am incredibly less informed. Anyway, so I try to keep it quiet in my room as I putter about for my things. And then I heard construction going on the empty lot two doors down from us. And I oddly found that comforting and like "Yes, it is morning!" Then I also heard this truck roll by in front of our place and felt the same things. As if it was comforting to know that the world was awake with me, and I don't need to resent being up this early.

I also thought about how city sounds aren't weird to me. That I actually grew up in the city (Quezon City, Philippines) and did not encounter the suburbs until we moved to Arizona. I was used to public transportation and taxis and crowds and pollution. I thought that was normal. And I didn't even make this connection until about a year ago, that this is why I immediately felt at home in this city. There was a transition, for sure, but I never really had the thought of wanting to live in the suburbs again really. Except for those "the grass is greener..." moments.

Buying things

So Ramit Sethi has his new book out today and I've been reading the excerpts he's so nicely posted. I told myself that I wouldn't buy this book, (since I rarely buy books and I usually go to the library), but these excerpts are making it tempting. If anything I will buy it used and not for the full price just to make myself feel better.

Speaking of discounts, I finally went to Woodbury with Grace!!

First, Woodbury was just more amazing than I thought. I really only went because I heard that the Brooks Brothers shirts that are normally $85 are $60 there (these shirts last forever and are non-iron and fit me really well). But I was just astonished at how good most of the deals were. I saved about $237 or about a weighted savings rate of 51%, as compared to prices I found online. And the gas we used probably just amounted to $2 or something. This is like really, really nice stuff I don't ever buy. Of note was J. Crew clothing for Gap prices. So soft!!! Shopping there was seriously like shopping on Black Friday.

Second, this is the second time I've really shopped with Grace. And I've determined that she is the perfect shopping buddy for me. This is gonna seem weird to expound upon the joys of shopping with Grace, but really the impact is that huge. I'm the kind of person who generally shops alone and likes to shop alone, because I vary widely from being really quick with my decisions and truly taking my time with other things. I have spent half an hour trying to figure out which bread to buy, yet 5 minutes deciding on a shirt. Weird I know. So it's almost impossible for me to really know how to shop with other people (even with family, we would just split up and meet somewhere central 2 hours later, occassionally running into one another at certain stores).

I've determined a few things that makes my shopping style jive with Grace's
1) I can trust her to tell me the truth and have real insight about what's going on with an outfit. This also means, I feel ok showing her how foolish I look in something. I also feel the freedom to not take her advice, cause it's not like she expects me to necessarily do so. This also makes decision making a lot faster, than me ruminating by myself.
2) I feel like I go to stores I wouldn't normally go to by myself (because I'm a bit defeatist and would talk myself out of the thought of even finding something there that fits me, my style, and my price range). Not that I necessarily buy anything when I go to these stores, but it exposes me to pricing and fashions that are out there. I think this is the annoying thing about shopping with my family, they go to the same stores over and over again, so we really have no idea if something is truly a deal or not.
3) I don't feel like I have to wait too long for her. She makes decisions in an adequate time frame.

In summary, the balance of aimless meandering and decisive selection, truth telling and individual thought, that Grace brings makes shopping for hours on end with someone else actually enjoyable.

I think the only thing that would make Woodbury better is if it was located in Jersey City where they don't have a sales tax on clothing.

Dreams

Recently, I've been paying more attention to my dreams...don't really remember why, but I just have. I'm not writing them down or anything, though it helps when I tell someone about it. I noticed that most of my dreams actually include people I never really see like my parents, my brother, my closest cousins, my dog, my grandmother who has passed away, and Laura Z. Ben will make an appearance once and awhile, but most times it's all these random people.

Another thing is that I'm always on vacation somewhere, like in somebody else's house or my house or in a villa by the ocean. I guess it makes sense that I'm on vacation since these are the only contexts I see any of these people anymore. I realize that all of them have something to do with me being responsible for something.

One dream my parents and I went off on vacation, but apparently I had a paper to write and forgot some textbooks at home (SO weird, because I didn't really write that many papers as a Sternie). I drive back home and see my dog, Boris, and am so confused as to why my parents would leave Boris by himself (this is HILARIOUS because it would never happen and my parents are very particular about Boris's caretaker and schedule while they are away). But then my cousins Josh and Jikki were just hanging out there at my house. Basically it involved me running around taking care of things, while everyone wasn't doing anything about it.

So I think the running theme is that I feel resentful toward all the responsibility I've been given and other people who should be doing what they're responsible for, but are just so callously not, thus causing me to pull up the slack. Classic boundary problem I have with my parents. Classic boundary problem I have with everybody! Though, I think I've really made strides in this regard. Boundaries are so healthy.

Ah, thank God for counseling but more importantly His Holy Spirit!

Gah, the Gospel!

I started reading this intro by J.I. Packer for a book of John Owen's, "The Death of Death in the Death of Christ" (haha, yes it makes me giggle). Just read part 1 of it where he talks about the need for the recovery of the Gospel. How people have made the Gospel all about help for man, instead of the fuller description as giving glory to God.

"Accordingly, the themes of man's natural inability to believe, of God's free election being the ultimate cause of salvation, and of Christ dying specifically for his sheep are not preached. These doctrines, it would be said, are not 'helpful'; they would drive sinners to despair, by suggesting to them that it is not in their own power to be saved through Christ. (The possibility that such despair might be salutary is not considered: it is taken for granted that it cannot be, because it is so shattering to our self-esteem.) However this may be (and we shall say more about it later), the result of these omissions is that part of the biblical gospel is now preached as if it were the whole of that gospel; and a half-truth masquerading as the whole truth becomes a complete untruth. Thus, we appeal to men as if they all had the ability to receive Christ at any time; we speak of his redeeming work as if he had make it possible for us to save ourselves by believing; we speak of God's love as if it were no more than a general willingness to receive any who will turn and trust; and we depict the Father and the Son, not as sovereignly active in drawing sinners to themselves, but as waiting in quiet impotence 'at the door of our hearts' for us to let them in."

This thought has been shattering my self-made view of God lately. Yes, you start reading this and you think, well, it's basic belief in sinners saved by grace not by works. But do we really live this way? Do you wake up in complete reliance on Jesus dying for you? Do you really hate sin as evil? Do you really abhor sin or do you just hate the consequences of self-hate and look to the Gospel as a form relief from your suffering, never really letting the redemptive work of Jesus take over and returning to sin over and over again? I've been doing the latter and realized how hard it is to do the former. To be universally sincere in accepting the Gospel as the power of God, not just a help.

Yes, God is always welcoming and always waiting for us to turn, but neither is this our work, but only through the work of the Spirit. God is more than a Help, He is the very power that propels you.

This is how the Gospel is offensive as a intelligent, educated, highly self-sufficient person. It's so unnerving to think that my little attempts to clean myself up only make me dirtier and uglier with indwelling sin. To think that I am totally incapable of making friends without Jesus. To think that I am totally incapable of doing or having any work without the Spirit. To think I can keep it together and be a solid, supportive girlfriend without the Lord. Basically, the idea that I'm not being real about my sins at all, if I don't see their true evil. It sucks, and you almost don't know how to approach a God like that, a God that is so holy that even the very way you praise Him is inadequate and like dirty menstruation rags. Like you never really knew God at all. He makes Himself known, yet He is utterly unknowable. He reveals Himself, but He is unrevealed.

This tension rages on. And I can only pray and meditate feebly, having faith that the Spirit will move, and that God is still with me and for me. That this is still true: "God is mine helper." - Psalms 54:4 and all the truer with the fullness of the Gospel. He infinitely loves me and cherishes my heart and my life because all He sees is Jesus. We can only be justified by faith. And I knew all this from the beginning, but the Gospel just runs deeper and deeper with meaning with every movement and revelation of God. Justification and sanctification should be the same exact thing, a process done daily and throughout my life.

May I always say with joy and gladness: I'm a Christian, can you even believe it?!?!