Today is my birthday (of course you knew that ;)). But today also marks 5 years of being in an exclusive relationship of some sort with Ben (i.e. he asked me out 5 years ago). In that time we've gone through a lot like graduations, first jobs, depressives states, euphoric states, just-meh states, will-we/won't-we madness, leaving-cleaving dealings, increasing medical school debt and a 2,800-mile move. Throughout that time, Ben hasn't been perfect, but he has been an incredible man to learn from. Below is a passage that, in my opinion, Ben really has in the core of his character.
Romans 12: 9, 16-21
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good...Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay says the Lord." To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Let me list the things I've learned from him in the context of this passage and relationships.
1) Arguing does not need to involve yelling and random tangents. I credit Ben a lot for our marriage's level of success at making decisions together and getting through conflicts. He strives to live peaceably with all. A simple practical thing he's taught me is he refrains from using "always" and "never" in an argument.
2) When I express my disappointment in something that he did, he immediately apologizes and acknowledges the hurt. He also fully acknowledges ways he could have avoided making the mistake, and reasons why he did (which are more than just excuses). It's because Ben lives out of the reality that he is not wise in his own sight.
3) On the flip side, Ben waits until later to tell me I've done something wrong. Unlike me, he has a lot of patience and can wait to address me when I'm ready to listen to him, not in the moment of hurt when I'm more likely to yell at him and he's less likely to be kind. This is definitely how he constantly heaps burning coals on my head...or in other words he's really good at overcoming evil with good :).
4) Having good boundaries is genuine love. And that's with me, with friends, with colleagues...he is just naturally blessed with an ability to hold onto what is good, and know that its worth guarding even in the worst temptations. Sure it can come out of just a love of himself (like guarding himself from vulnerability), but also a love for others and love for good itself. I would ask him why he never dated anyone else, while obviously entrenched in a culture that constantly idolizes romance. He has said that it was partly because he was afraid...but also partly because he just knew he wanted to be conservative about it. And every step of the way, he was (no thanks to me...). He had a vision for the kind of exclusivity in marriage he wanted, and that really drove his decisions in dating. And thanks to that, this is a vision we both enjoy now.
Of course, Ben can be incredibly selfish and sinful. He is a wretched man who needs the saving grace of Jesus. But I just wanted to announce on this day of 5 years of being with him, that out of all the men I have known I think Ben is THE best man. The above are just a few reasons. And I think it's incredible that I'm actually married to the best man I've ever known. Literally as a 22 year old and now as a 27 year old, if I had to choose who to marry out of everyone in the world, I would still choose Ben.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Sunday, July 1, 2012
New People
I think most aspects about being in a new city generally excite me. But one of the things that gives me the most anxiety in any situation where I'm the new kid, is meeting new people. I've got some baggage with that, but generally it's the irrational sense I have that I'm never going to be that interesting to a person I've just met. That it really would take more than a few conversations before you get to a Xaris that seems enjoyable to know and talk to. I've always had this. My experience growing up as a fat/immigrant girl in a largely white suburban context did not help my confidence nor my social skills in this area. I say this to stress that I believe it is to the point that it debilitates my life sometimes.
Recently, I watched this documentary (http://www.hulu.com/watch/337439) on Bill Withers, writer of Just the Two of Us, Lean on Me, Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone. Apparently, he has a stutter. Around minute 47, he gives a little speech to kids who have stutters too. It's really worth watching just that one minute, but I'll attempt to paraphrase. He talks about meeting some famous people and immediately going back to a place of fear as someone laughs a little at his stutter. He then explains, that as people who are not understood a lot, we should approach people with a prepared forgiveness and to be more civil than most people. That we would be prepared to extend something to people that hasn't been extended to us.
When I saw this, my immediate reaction was, "Well of course, I ALWAYS have to do that with people." But then God punched me in the FACE with this passage from Isaiah 50:5-11 "The Lord God has opened my ear, and I was not rebellious; I turned not backward. I gave my back to those who strike, and my cheeks to those who pull out the beard; I hid not my face from disgrace and spitting. But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame. He who vindicates me is near. Who will contend with me? Let us stand up together. Who is my adversary? Let him come near to me. Behold, the Lord God helps me; who will declare me guilty? Behold, all of them will wear out like a garment; the moth will eat them up. Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. Behold, all you who kindle a fire, who equip yourselves with burning torches! Walk by the light of your fire, and by the torches that you have kindled! This you have from my hand: you shall lie down in torment."
I realized I don't really approach people with a prepared forgiveness, I approach people with prepared disappointment and fear expecting disgrace, which quickly turns to righteous anger. This anger, which is righteous, then leads me to become more inward and not allow myself to be vulnerable with the person, which is not righteous. In fact, this very action of being closed in fulfills my expectation that I will not be interesting to the person I've just met. This is at best unkind to people, and at worst at odds with what God has called me to do.
But this is hard! And I'm tempted to think, well why do I have to be the person who gives grace. I'm the one who experiences being marginalized and looked over. Then I remembered, it is precisely because of my deficiencies that Jesus died on the cross. It is precisely because of my sin that lead me to near death that Jesus went to death and back to get me. He has done the work, so it's not for me to kindle my fire, it is for me to walk in darkness without light and trust in the name of the Lord. The truth is I don't really have to spare the grace in my heart to give, it is the Lord's grace that compels me to give it freely.
Recently, I watched this documentary (http://www.hulu.com/watch/337439) on Bill Withers, writer of Just the Two of Us, Lean on Me, Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone. Apparently, he has a stutter. Around minute 47, he gives a little speech to kids who have stutters too. It's really worth watching just that one minute, but I'll attempt to paraphrase. He talks about meeting some famous people and immediately going back to a place of fear as someone laughs a little at his stutter. He then explains, that as people who are not understood a lot, we should approach people with a prepared forgiveness and to be more civil than most people. That we would be prepared to extend something to people that hasn't been extended to us.
When I saw this, my immediate reaction was, "Well of course, I ALWAYS have to do that with people." But then God punched me in the FACE with this passage from Isaiah 50:5-11 "The Lord God has opened my ear, and I was not rebellious; I turned not backward. I gave my back to those who strike, and my cheeks to those who pull out the beard; I hid not my face from disgrace and spitting. But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame. He who vindicates me is near. Who will contend with me? Let us stand up together. Who is my adversary? Let him come near to me. Behold, the Lord God helps me; who will declare me guilty? Behold, all of them will wear out like a garment; the moth will eat them up. Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. Behold, all you who kindle a fire, who equip yourselves with burning torches! Walk by the light of your fire, and by the torches that you have kindled! This you have from my hand: you shall lie down in torment."
I realized I don't really approach people with a prepared forgiveness, I approach people with prepared disappointment and fear expecting disgrace, which quickly turns to righteous anger. This anger, which is righteous, then leads me to become more inward and not allow myself to be vulnerable with the person, which is not righteous. In fact, this very action of being closed in fulfills my expectation that I will not be interesting to the person I've just met. This is at best unkind to people, and at worst at odds with what God has called me to do.
But this is hard! And I'm tempted to think, well why do I have to be the person who gives grace. I'm the one who experiences being marginalized and looked over. Then I remembered, it is precisely because of my deficiencies that Jesus died on the cross. It is precisely because of my sin that lead me to near death that Jesus went to death and back to get me. He has done the work, so it's not for me to kindle my fire, it is for me to walk in darkness without light and trust in the name of the Lord. The truth is I don't really have to spare the grace in my heart to give, it is the Lord's grace that compels me to give it freely.
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