New People

I think most aspects about being in a new city generally excite me.  But one of the things that gives me the most anxiety in any situation where I'm the new kid, is meeting new people.  I've got some baggage with that, but generally it's the irrational sense I have that I'm never going to be that interesting to a person I've just met.  That it really would take more than a few conversations before you get to a Xaris that seems enjoyable to know and talk to.  I've always had this.  My experience growing up as a fat/immigrant girl in a largely white suburban context did not help my confidence nor my social skills in this area.  I say this to stress that I believe it is to the point that it debilitates my life sometimes.

Recently, I watched this documentary (http://www.hulu.com/watch/337439) on Bill Withers, writer of Just the Two of Us, Lean on Me, Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone.  Apparently, he has a stutter.  Around minute 47, he gives a little speech to kids who have stutters too.  It's really worth watching just that one minute, but I'll attempt to paraphrase.  He talks about meeting some famous people and immediately going back to a place of fear as someone laughs a little at his stutter.  He then explains, that as people who are not understood a lot, we should approach people with a prepared forgiveness and to be more civil than most people.  That we would be prepared to extend something to people that hasn't been extended to us.


When I saw this, my immediate reaction was, "Well of course, I ALWAYS have to do that with people."  But then God punched me in the FACE with this passage from Isaiah 50:5-11 "The Lord God has opened my ear, and I was not rebellious; I turned not backward. I gave my back to those who strike, and my cheeks to those who pull out the beard; I hid not my face from disgrace and spitting. But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame. He who vindicates me is near. Who will contend with me? Let us stand up together. Who is my adversary? Let him come near to me. Behold, the Lord God helps me; who will declare me guilty? Behold, all of them will wear out like a garment; the moth will eat them up. Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. Behold, all you who kindle a fire, who equip yourselves with burning torches! Walk by the light of your fire, and by the torches that you have kindled! This you have from my hand: you shall lie down in torment."

I realized I don't really approach people with a prepared forgiveness, I approach people with prepared disappointment and fear expecting disgrace, which quickly turns to righteous anger.  This anger, which is righteous, then leads me to become more inward and not allow myself to be vulnerable with the person, which is not righteous.  In fact, this very action of being closed in fulfills my expectation that I will not be interesting to the person I've just met.  This is at best unkind to people, and at worst at odds with what God has called me to do.

But this is hard!  And I'm tempted to think, well why do I have to be the person who gives grace.  I'm the one who experiences being marginalized and looked over.  Then I remembered, it is precisely because of my deficiencies  that Jesus died on the cross.  It is precisely because of my sin that lead me to near death that Jesus went to death and back to get me.  He has done the work, so it's not for me to kindle my fire, it is for me to walk in darkness without light and trust in the name of the Lord.  The truth is I don't really have to spare the grace in my heart to give, it is the Lord's grace that compels me to give it freely.