A Quick One

I worked on our wedding website today. It's not ready for public viewing or anything, but it's been fun to put together. It's hard to imagine what people who have never met me might want to hear about me. Should I be cute? Should I be sophisticated? Should I be intelligent? I'm not freaking out about it or anything...yet.

I also liked putting up some pictures. The famous picture of me attacking Ben when we went apple picking is up there. I will see if it is vetoed...Really it made me realize how long I've known Ben, and what we've shared in friendship, romance, and fellowship. Who would've guessed we would get this far? I can honestly say, I didn't.

Can I just say it is soooooooooooo weird to be trying so hard to NOT think about wedding and marriage before engagement (for obvious reasons of idolatry and whatnot), and then suddenly flip the switch and it is my job now to be thinking about that. To truly seek out what God means for marriage, as He invented it. Anyway, began reading "The Mystery of Marriage" by Mike Mason the other day. So far really, really AWESOME! Such a feeler.

It's gonna be interesting

If you haven't heard otherwise, Ben and I are engaged. Woot! YAY! WOW! We are so marvelously happy that so many people are so happy about it. It just feels like so much love was released into the world.

This also means we probably need lots and lots and lots of prayer against the enemy and against our own sinfulness and those around us. It sucks, but the last thing Satan wants is two Christians getting together and creating a new family. I've thought about how in general this is going to be a one-sided, rather selfish time for me. I'm going to be asking for help from a lot of people and just the thought of involving so many friends and family for my wedding (especially those with specific jobs and tasks) makes me feel a little guilty. But that's what community is about, and I know I'm battling lies of self-sufficiency in general (like not relying on Jesus in the planning process). Help me remember that I am loved and that I don't deserve this all at the same time!

A fun thought however, is that at such a time as this, I can actually plan a wedding quite comfortably. It's not like I'm swamped at work. I am soooo organized it's not even funny. Ben was saying how this is just like a merger, which is the project I'm on now! I could make a gant chart and a project schedule on MS Project if I wanted to! I'm such a Project Manager. It'll be hilarious if I end up being one in some future time, considering these weird beginnings being apprenticed to the most self-sufficient PM.

Also, I realized that it'll be fun sharing ideas on this blog. Today, I've thought about flowers for a little bit. With the possibility of having a winter wedding, it's a daunting thought. But this site seemed to have some good advice about flowers that are in season and using a mix of silk flowers for the ones I really, really want (which are orchids and calla lillies). What do you think of the winter flowers they suggest?

Listing

I think Twitter has really changed the way I think about blogging, and it's making it really difficult to write out a complete blog post, since all my thoughts are compact and held in 140 characters. Thus, list-like posts have become a really attractive, though unoriginal, way to write. Also, I haven't been pushing myself to write everyday, so it's hard to know which inanities of life is really worth writing about.

-I am now a believer of Zicam. I had a 3 day cold instead of the usual 1 week. It's great!

-Ben met some more family over the weekend when we went to DC...and he's not done yet (I think he's got one more family set to go...and a few bachelor uncles). I counted it and I think I have about 57 people in my family which includes grandparents, their children, their grandchildren, and significant others. There was a bit of a Pascual reunion on Easter with other parts of the clan (as in second cousins...including my 21-year-old uncle). Honestly, as far as reunions go, it wasn't that large (though the size of an average Nav Nite!), and there were a lot of missing pieces, I mean, people. Of course though, there were tons of people there who knew who I was and probably carried me as a baby, but haven't seen me in 20 years or whenever it was they moved to America. The basic questions were asked, "Where did you go to school?" "What are you doing now?" "Where do you live?" "How's your brother?" (my brother was a bit of a superstar when we were growing up, being the first child of our generation...ever, on both the Pascual and Nakar side). Also, I didn't realize there were so many people in my family who went to Columbia and/or lived in NYC at some point in their lives. And Ben was a trooper as he had to endure similar questions from total strangers. I don't think I'm grateful enough because honestly in his place I'd probably freak out a little bit meeting and being with so much family for about 24 hours. I tell ya, he is THE boy you wanna bring home to yo momma. He also drove all 10 hours of the trip, so more props to him!

-Getting a haircut this Saturday from my Janet. Very excited about it.

-I love, LOVE Jewish holidays because Alternate Side Parking is suspended on those days, saving me about 20 minutes of time and heartache. Happy Yom Hashah!

-It makes me glad that the skin tone on my hands is noticeably darker than the color of my desk, making me think I might have gotten a tan at some point.

-I still don't really like DC (...classic moment in the car with my uncle. I say, "Kind of reminds me of Boston..." *awkward look toward Ben), as in I don't think I'd be way excited to move there from NYC. I always go there to visit people, and not the city itself. Meanwhile, people are always going to NYC and sleeping over, while not necessarily visiting me. It's very telling of a city.

-I've been feeling really grateful today for the silliest things in my life. Which is more than I can say about yesterday, or even the entirety of last week. Amazing what a difference a day makes. Here's hoping I keep depending on Jesus tomorrow. Ephesians 3:20

Emo-ish Music

For several reasons, I guess certain areas of growth (and non-growth..womp,womp) have been coming to mind more frequently. The last few months I've been thinking about anxiety as a sin. Connected to that, despairing and fear as sin. Sin here being defined as walking away from God, since at any given moment, you are either walking towards or away from Him. Everyone floats somewhere, as Paige Brown said. All these thoughts and feelings of anxiety and despiar are expressed from a loss of belief in God's sovereignty and goodness. Of course it's a given that everyone feels these things, and living in denial of fear is even worse than actually acknowledging it, but I always try to go by the quote at the top of this blog and try to describe and define instead of just praise and dispraise. Anyway, moving on.

I've been anxious all my life and quite prone to despair. It lead to complex behavioral ways of coping, addiction being a main ingredient. But as I continually smack into the reality of God, the truth of His love and salvation has molded me into something a bit more like what I should be.

Music has played a major role in my understanding of this process. Being the deep feeler that I am, I like to listen to emotionally charged music.

Like Nicole Nordeman - "Anyway" :

"Every layer of mine hides a lovely design, it might take a little patience, it might take a little time, but you called me BEAUTIFUL, when you saw my shame. And you placed me on the wall, anyway."

I thought a lot about surrender my Freshman year, since it was clearly what I had to do. And I was finding the joy and healing in the pain of being utterly gross, but not held responsible for it.

Mute Math "Control":

"There's no better loss than to lose myself in you."
"Take control of the atmosphere, there is no reason I should breathe, unless you're in the air."

Then I started to realize that there's more to it than what it means for me. The beauty of justification and sanctification is it's more than just making me better, it's making me better for human flourishing for the Glory of God. But what does a loss of control really mean then if it's not just skydiving into an oblivion, but becoming Christ-like and engaging in the world? You can lose control in a lot of ways, and all equally destructive, but there's only one way that leads to life.

Everyone knows the ubiquitous Spiderman 2 theme song from Dashboard Confessional - "Vindicated"

"Slip away against the current."



Much like the Spiderman movie, true salvation is more than self-redemption but world redemption. Everything is not just going to be right with you, but also with this world that God has created; and we as the Church have something to do with that Kingdom work.



It's amazing how I listened to these songs so much a few years ago, to comfort my despairing heart. But it's getting easier to see the truth that I shouldn't even be worried at all. That there are so many reasons in Christ to be hopeful always.

Here's a quote from Brothers Karamazov. The "elder" is speaking to this woman filled with guilt and fear: "Don't be afraid of anything, ever. And do not grieve. As long as your repentance does not weaken, God will forgive everything. There is not - there cannot be - a sin on earth that God will not forgive the truly repentant. Why, a man cannot a sin so great as to exhaust the infinite love of God. How could there be a sin that would surpass the love of God? Think only of repentance, all the time, and drive away all fear. Have faith that God loves you, sinful as you are and, indeed, because of your sin. It was said long ago that there is more joy in heaven over one repentant sinner than over ten righteous men. Go now, and fear nothing. Do not be offended if people treat you badly. Do not hold it against them. And forgive your departed husband all the harm he did you. Become truly reconciled with him. For if you repent, you love, and if you love, you are with God. Love redeems and saves everything...Love is such an infinite treasure it can buy the whole world and can redeem not only your sins, but the sins of all people. So go and fear no more." FEAR NO MORE!

I've mentioned how much I love Brett Dennen - "Darlin' Do Not Fear"

"The confidence is full as your faith etched in stone
and neither could comfort you from the wild unknown
So bury your burning hatred like a hatchet in the snow
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know.
If you have a broken heart or a battered soul
Find something to hold on to or to let go
to help you through the hard nights like a flask filled with hope
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
'cause it won't last - your worries will pass" --> Damn, this whole song is quotable.

"I fear no evil, for you are with me. Strong to deliver, mighty to save." - Got this from a song too, but it's in the Psalms right?

Yet again, I think reading this post can make peopel think it's a hodge-podge. But really it's all about finding happiness, hope, love, and peace in the abounding grace of God. At the Redeemer interview I was reminded over and over about my name and what it means. And how it's what I should be giving to other people, Xaris (grace, that which gives joy), me becoming my true self in Jesus.

It would be overwhelming, if not for xaris being given to me. I've always wanted to do a post like this with a sprinkling of songs that have changed my life, and have grown me and shown me the truth in the Gospel. And it's always good to not hide from where you've been and to see the power and glory of God already shown in you.

"You've come far and though you're far from the end, you don't mind where you are 'cause you know where you've been." - Carbon Leaf - "Let Your Troubles Roll By"

Food Rules

I've somewhat successfully been living out some rules I gave myself about food. I thought up these rules for both budgetary and health reasons. Slowly but surely these last few months I've been changing little habits, and I realized today how amazing it is that I'm happily eating a banana and not a 200 calorie (or worse) muffin off a street cart. It used to be really hard to resist a $1 muffin (or even a 75 cent bagel and cheese). Especially because it was only a dollar. Honestly though I don't think there has been a measurable improvement in health (unmeasurable would be my level of energy and general happiness), it has really worked on the financial side.

For example, first, I started bringing in my lunch and snacks to work 4 days a week. I say snacks, because those vending machine purchases can be really ridiculous when a) you could've gotten it for 80 cents cheaper buying in bulk at the grocery store; b) most foods (except maybe popcorn) from there are not healthy. After that I started replacing carb/sugar heavy snacks with fruit (I don't know if I'll ever be the type to eat celery or carrot sticks). I still have brie and crackers or those 110 calorie popcorn bags a couple times a week, but overall, I am amazed at how I don't really think about it anymore. It used to be really hard, especially since I work at a cube farm and around lunch time all kinds of awesome smells are floating around. It's also a lot easier to not buy a cookie, when I don't even leave my floor for lunch at all (vending machines on another floor and cafeteria downstairs once being temptation filled places).

For good and for bad, my co-worker Christine will invite me to walk down with her because she needs to buy lunch, and I usually don't get anything because I leave my wallet behind. It's a nice way for us to talk without everyone around us listening in. Unfortunately, one time I had a really strong reaction to the visual cues of a chocolate muffin sitting behind the glass at the cafeteria, and Christine impulsively bought it for me (I guess out of gratitude that I would walk down with her). She was unstoppable! GAH! My plan was foiled that day. I'm careful now not to even look at the things and distract myself with conversation when I'm with her. (Side note: When we went to the opera, Ben and I went to Carnegie Deli after the show and we sat right by the rotating cakes display. I was so distracted it was just ridiculous.)

It's still really hard to curb the feeling of hunger. But weirdly enough, because I fasted a few times (not for these reasons obviously, but spiritual ones), it kinda taught me to lose that sense of entitlement. Lose the sense that I should never be hungry. That's really ridiculous if you think about all the billions of people in the world who do go hungry. And something much more foundational, that man must not live by bread alone. So weird that I've basically had to re-create a reality with truths that I usually ignored. Totally making this process a part of sanctification.

I also figured out that it's impossible for me to go any lower than $300 a month for eating out. That's a lot I think, maybe not a lot for a single woman in NY, but it's a lot. And we're not talking about Chinese food or Subway here, I have good dinners out frequently and like really good dinners ($20-$30) at least twice a month. (umm...these are guesstimates and not based on my spreadsheets, though I did find out that I spend ~$20 on average every time I eat out). So I made a rule that I shouldn't eat out if I'm by myself or it should be below $10 AND splittable to 2 meals or below $5 (though that usually means it's unhealthy and I should avoid that). Those foot longs from Subway have been genius for this.

Another thing is I've changed my breakfasts to be high in protein. My doctor suggested this because of some study. Anyway, so I microwave some egg whites in a bowl and eat it with some lunch meat (currently pepperoni) and a cup of Skim Plus milk. I usually don't want to eat in the mornings (being that I'm unhappy that I'm awake), so I generally don't care what I'm eating, I just know I have to eat breakfast.

Fridays are my free days. That's when I can spend money on all three meals of the day (as well as a big M&M cookie that I snack on throughout the day ^_^). I usually get an omelet and sausage from the cafeteria and some chocolate milk in the morning. My office building is attached to the mall so I get to go to the food court for lunch. Then I usually go to a restaurant with Benny for dinner. Weekends, I still try to eat in when I'm alone, but usually I'm out and about. But after a whole week of not buying food (except for a couple nights when I eat with someone), I feel truly free to spend money on food on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

There are several more rules, but those are the broad ones. That seems really restrictive, but really I like giving myself rules to follow. Growing up, I didn't have any real rules pertaining to anything, much more food, so to be able to do this for myself as an adult making my own decisions, it's extremely satisfying to know exactly what to do in a given situation. And since it's been a slow add on, it hasn't been traumatic at all. And it's easier to make little changes since there's a framework I'm working off of.

On Friends and Happiness

First day back at work after a longer, less routine weekend is always really hard. Especially when I slept so weirdly. My brain/head is not liking me right now.

So I really can't believe I saw friends everyday this past weekend. In working life, it's really hard to have the energy and zeal I once was able to give to my friendships, most especially since I'm more of a one-on-one deep conversation type of gal. That's rough when you just want to let loose and have fun when you're not wearing a suit, or maybe you just want to wear jammies all day knitting at home. No more lunch dates, afternoon siestas, or late into the night sleepovers. It's one of those pieces of the transition that I definitely prepared myself for (made easier when the majority of the people I did these things with left the city before my Senior year). But it then makes me so grateful when I'm able to hang out with people in a big group, and I'm comfortable with everyone involved. It's such a blessing for an introvert with acute social anxiety to feel socially comfortable. I'm really impressed when plans end up actually happening, considering the city, individual schedules, individual temperaments toward planning (a majority of my friends are now Perceivers, in high school ALL my friends were Judgers....how did that happen?!?), and the emphasis on individuality in general.

We went to Amy Ruth's, this restaurant in Harlem known for their chicken and waffles (yes, together). Below is a picture that Sunday (Dan T's friend) took of us with his BBerry...I changed his life teaching him all about the Google apps he can use on it. Also, if you look at the picture slideshow, the first picture is of Ben and a fish in an aquarium at Red Lobster. It was sooooo cute because it came right up to us when we waved at it, then it looked directly at the camera when I took a picture. INSANE!

There was a lot to like about Obama's inaugural speech. But I think the thing I caught on to was what he said about needing to know ourselves before we could take on a challenge. Reminded me a lot of the need for repentance/rejoicing. I've had a lot of freak outs at this particular season in my life, but I find a lot of progress in the fact that I can actually think through it. I've been able to take a deep breath and actually take stock of where something is coming from or what am I actually reacting to. I would say, most of the time the answer lies in me not trusting Jesus. Not trusting that He is who He says He is. Obama talked about how Americans have the same creativity and productive force that it had last week, last month, last year. The Holy Trinity has been the same even before time began and forever and ever. And the Bible says I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So when I lose sight of Christ, so goes my self-assurance, my self-awareness, and my true self.

I meant to write about this last week, but it's been great to marinate over its themes on top of everything else that life has brought in the last few days. Like a tree drinking from the living water. A while ago, (I think like my Junior year), Ben told me about this sermon by Jonathan Edwards on Christian Happiness. He wrote it when he was like super young, as a teenager or something. I think I would say it has one of the most important messages a young, American Christian needs to hear. The thesis includes the three reasons why every Christian should be happy: "First, because no worldly evils can do him any real hurt; secondly, because of those advantages spiritual joys and satisfactions, he enjoys while here; and thirdly, more especially from the joyful hope and certain expectation, of the enjoyment of the perfection of happiness, eternally, hereafter." I don't think I can truly expound further, only because I haven't even finished it, but it's almost like, you don't have to if you're a Christian. You know this! If you love God, then you know God loved you first, you know nothing can truly hurt you, you know we can enjoy the most powerful and intimate relationship any human being can have in this world, you know that absolutely EVERYTHING will be perfect and MEANINGFUL in the end (from that toe nail that doesn't look right, to that friendship that devastated and failed you).

It's funny reading through it because it's like Edwards is just brimming with glee, talking about happiness. He just keeps going on and on about it. It leaves me feeling the conviction of not thinking about it all the time and giving into despair, at the same time empowering me to be the child of God I don't deserve to be, but through His sacrifice, truly am.

A Christmas Puzzle (well, not really)

I know it's my own fault, but For Good is now definitely in my head playing over and over again. I think I just need to sing it once and maybe my brain will be satisfied.

So my father is being a free TA to a math teacher in my old middle school, while he tries to look for a real teaching position (the economy...municipal budget cuts..you know). He sends on to the family (and I mean the FAMILY, both sides) little math puzzles he gives to his kids. Here's one that I just can't figure out, but I'm sure someone who reads this can:

Finding One Panda of 12 in 3 Steps

There are twelve pandas, all of equal size. Eleven are of equal weight. One is of a different weight. In three (3) trials on the balance scale, find the unequal panda and determine if it is heavier or lighter. Hint: 3 groups of four

I'm going on vaca tomorrow! YAY! It's my first real one since I started work. It's weird, because I don't think Christmas has ever come upon me so matter-of-factly before. I think it's because there has been this huge load of work to do right up to it and then it's this huge relief afterwards...no, pretty much the only "work" I've had to do is figure out presents and wrap them up, and do my family Christmas cards. I haven't even bought any new outfits for the occasion (though I have bought new clothing ^^). Meanwhile, work at my job lingers on, and things will not be stopping, perhaps even ramping up, while I'm away. Anticipation builds in a different way when there are no breaks.

So, I don't think I'll be blogging like usual, but then again, I might.

MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS!! I love Christmas, because it's a time when I find myself completely unable to deny that God loves me. Plus there's all that victory over evil, destruction, and hate.

Isaiah 9:2-7
The people walking in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death
a light has dawned.

You have enlarged the nation
and increased their joy;
they rejoice before you
as people rejoice at the harvest,
as men rejoice
when dividing the plunder.

For as in the day of Midian's defeat,
you have shattered
the yoke that burdens them,
the bar across their shoulders,
the rod of their oppressor.

Every warrior's boot used in battle
and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
will be fuel for the fire.

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of his government and peace
there will be no end.
He will reign on David's throne
and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty
will accomplish this.

Longing for Home

Everyday has felt like a Friday this week. I think I just want it to be over because I'm going home next week. Oddly enough, there have been some solid work things that have broken up my days recently. It makes time fly by a lot faster.

I'm really looking forward to going home. It's been a whole year, and even I start missing the home I left. I miss chocolate milk, Mexican food, mild weather, and basically getting whatever I want. And any movie of significance in the past decade or so belongs to my father, I like taking my pick. I also miss my dog, even though we've really grown apart and he's the biggest brat ever!! I miss driving without fear or parallel parking. I miss my father and brother's jokes and the faces my mom makes. I miss not taking my wallet out.

I don't know how they talked me into being the very middle of this picture...I hate that...but it's impressive that even Boris (my dog) was looking at the camera that was on a timer.

Leaving home was probably THE best thing for my growth. And I don't necessarily regret not being able to go home more than once a year (and then for less than a week). But absence makes the heart grow fonder, so these visits are more precious to me than it would've been if I had gone home every summer. There are good and bad things in every home, but right now I'm probably just feeling a lot of the good.

Theme Songs

There are a lot of parallels between now and 4 years ago, I think. It's almost designed that way when you go to college and graduate and get a job. One I thought was kind of interesting to point out was my choice of theme songs. You know, like how TV shows have that one theme song that never changes because it encompasses a lot of the ongoing themes of the show. I think people should definitely have theme songs for different seasons of life. For my freshman year, it was definitely Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway, for the most obvious reasons. Note that she was an American Idol and this song was popular at the time. It just felt really right.

Now, in this recent grad situation I'm in, it's Jordan Sparks's One Step At A Time. Also from an American Idol and also has been pretty popular. Maybe it's because American Idol winners and the like are encouraged to have these kind of hopeful, making a change kind of songs since that's literally what America has seen them do, so a song celebrating that is automatically going to be popular. It's very marketable.

So yes, of course I'm going to find songs like this, because young people like to sing and hear about songs that talk about how hard and frustrating it can be to be young and unestablished, with no cred whatsoever. But it doesn't make it less magical to find that one song that just expresses so much about where you're at. It's like you're thinking about something, and all of a sudden this person who has nothing to do with you and is thousands of miles away starts expressing your exact feelings in a way you understand and completely relate to. It's like a Tim Keller sermon. It's so deeply affirming.

Pure Notes

So this is a bit of a cop out, but really, it's revealing. I haven't had the time to really read through my notes from Pure until now (mainly because I had lent my notebook to someone). I thought I would just write out some pieces of it. I'm an arrows kind of person, I see people speaking in connections to the next thing they're saying.

Friday night - Paige Brown - Hannah's Desperate Heart 1 Samuel 1-2
We are not sufferers in need of a helper, we are sinners in need of a savior.

Desperation is leading Hannah to Jesus -> tears constitute prayer -> The Lord will mourn for you.

The song is about rejoicing in the Lord -> desperate heart is satisfied with knowing the Lord

We all have desperate lives, do you have a desperate heart?

Saturday morning - bah, I forget her name (Melissa Tamplin's counselor) - Sex, Just Say No
spiritual maturity = spiritual purity = sexual purity -> really talking about spiritual maturity

He blesses us where we are not because we're good, but He's good.

God uses His presence to invade you so you don't settle. -> conviction

Devil only has access to this life not our eternal one -> the purer we are the less power the enemy has from keeping us away from God's love.

repentance -> God takes your best (which is utter crap) and says "Yes, this is just what I wanted!"

If men are needy then God sends them another man -> Jesus.

You can't ruin what God has for you.

God is totally capable of saying Yes or No -> if He doesn't do anything He's trusting You w/ your spiritual maturity.

Saturday Lunch - Lynette Lewis
Everyone comes to a point where your dream is tested -> a process of separating the dream from the dreamer -> your dream feels forgotten -> God has set you apart, but not aside.

Choose to invest in the joy of your friends -> you will not be short-changed.

Saturday afternoon - Kathy Keller - Don't Waste Your Sorrows
If you didn't have the prior relationship [with God] before the suffering, then you don't get to access the comfort during the suffering.

God wants us to have a party in the valley of the shadow of death.

Redemption has cost God His Son -> He must think it was worth it.

Saturday night - Paige Brown - Eli's Compromised Heart 1 Samuel 2:12-36
Hard hearts are further hardened with God's judgment.

You're always floating somewhere.

God does not eliminate the competition, He says choose!

God cannot and does not forgive sin -> He forgives sinners -> sin must be paid for.

God says, "I do see you, and you're beautiful." -> not because you are, because you are His.

Sunday morning - Paige Brown - Samuel's Useful Heart 1 Samuel 3
God's word is grace -> absence of God's word is judgment -> when the Word is not received it is not sent.

The Bible is God's primary means of grace.

You know you've received, when you respond.

Our words are not deeds -> God's words make reality.

The Bible is about what God did for you, not what you should do for God.

Disney

So the past weeks or so I haven't been listening to my iPod. Not for any sense of unplugging really, just because the little squishy thing on one of my ear buds has gone missing (AGAIN) and I would just rather go without than try to figure out where the replacement is at home.

Oddly enough, this has caused more Disney songs to play over and over again in my head (really the question is, how did I memorize all these songs?). Namely from Pocahontas and Hunchback. I think Pocahontas was seriously underrated. I particularly like "Just Around the Riverbend" - "Why do all my dreams extend just around the riverbend?" "Is all my dreaming at an end, or do you still wait for me Dreamgiver, just around the riverbend?" - I can't believe I learned this on the piano once. So fast!

Today, I was thinking of "Out There" - "Out there, strolling by the Seine, taste the morning out there, like ordinary men." "I swear I'll be content with my share, no regret, won't resent, old and bent, I won't care, I'd have spent one day out there." and "Heaven's Light" - "As I ring these bells tonight, my cold dark tower seems so bright, I swear it must be heaven's light."

I don't really have a point, except that Disney songs are beautiful.

Pure

I realized I didn't really think about the conference much before I had gone. It was just this block of time that I had set apart, and I was content in not knowing of what I would want to happen in that time. It's freeing to be able to approach events like this, no details, no plans, especially when the event delivers.

So I guess that's really what I learned and enjoyed at Pure - freedom. I was free to laugh, cry, talk, sing, dance, jump, knit, and sometimes shout with unusual abandon. I was free to sound foolish, and free to offer wisdom. Free to be alone, free to be surrounded (like literally) by my sisters. Free to be young, free to be old. Free to love, and free to voice hate so as to repent.

Paige Brown had an illustration of a water bottle knocking over and everything spilling on the floor. Why's the water on the floor? Because there was water in the bottle. There are situations in life that cause the bottle to knock over, but whatever ends up on the floor is because it was in the bottle to begin with. Obviously this is a broadly used idea, but the visual of the water all over the floor is compelling to me. So I guess, I felt free and safe enough at Pure to knock the bottle over myself to see, show and discuss what comes out. Seeing that for others as well, some women who I would never have thought I would even totally relate to, was so encouraging.

Maybe this sounds really intense, like counseling, but it wasn't counseling. It was just fellowship. No one was there to fix one another, we were there for the Lord. And it wasn't intense in that stressful way when you're feeling really broken, it was peaceful, calm, rest in the Lord. It helped that all the ladies weren't freaking out and buckling down under the weight of their own sin, they were offering it to God and asking why? Struggling with God instead of themselves.

At so many points, I just felt soooooo loved by God, that I couldn't believe how stupid I was and am and probably will be in not trusting His wisdom, strength, and worthiness. It's been awhile since I've felt so completely vindicated and redeemed. (Another Paige Brown-ism) Looked at the cross and said Am I that bad? YES! Am I that loved? YES!

My life in school had so many seasonal weekends away from the city between all the leadership retreats and Nav retreats. And I think I had forgotten how one weekend can do the work of several months in the Spirit. How Penn State 2004 had set the course for a changed life for me and that was only 3 days, no extended weekend needed. Out of any other retreat I've gone to, I remember the most details from this one, even now. I can't even remember what I did for free time last year in Vermont, but I remember the songs we sang and where I sat for worship at Penn State. I remember I slept in this heavenly, soft bed (probably the best bed I've ever slept in) next to Stephanie D. I remember Dan Brown throwing a pile of leaves on my car (with the windows open) and subsequently losing his wallet, and finding it in the dark later. From then on, my car has always had fall leaves somewhere in it at whatever time of year. I remember Nicole T talking about wanting to be the prince on the white horse and marveling at the thought that some women didn't want men to open the door for them (wtf?). I remember reading Revelations (for Con West) while people were almost dying in caves somewhere. I remember Mike Chen and Tyler being amazed at my mad skillz at lying to them. I remember that the alum and random older people outnumbered the freshmen.

Life is Repentance (Rejoicing)

I was thinking recently about how grateful I am for my job(!). Yes, it caught me by surprise as well. If I really sit down and think about it, I am grateful for how clear it is to me that I need to be here (though God chooses to hide the exact reasons). I've learned a lot about depending on Christ. I've learned a lot about myself.

Actually, I really remember this whole, newly profound level of dependence on Christ idea hitting me around August/September 2007. I remember talking to Megan S on the phone during a long, routine walk home (when we still lived in the 23rd St apartment). I had my concentration set on this whole transition from college to not-in-school. I was asking her about how she managed to create community for herself in Christ Church while maintaining Navs in her life, because I was attending and trying to do the same at Astoria Community Church. We were talking about the lack of community in general, and how the loss of Navs the way we knew it is a way to figure out how powerful communion with the Holy Spirit can be...something to that effect. Really though, I felt like shit about the whole idea and how it was going to be and how hard it was to get used to. How to get used to a life change.

And since that time (about a year ago), boy have there been some dramatic changes in my life. From the very obvious to the very subtle. And it's weird to realize that throughout it all, all I was trying to figure out was this basic idea of repentance. Of course, like most of you, I thought, heck ya I know what that is, I'm a Christian. I can point to things and say, see I have repented, look at how much my life has changed! Look at how much God has empowered me to do the things I've done. See, God is definitely in communion with me and definitely in my life.

Andrea had handed me this Redeemer study titled "How the Gospel Changes You" around end of July. It was all about idols and repentance, and I thought, alright, alright, let me just read through this. It ended up being a major theme in my thoughts, prayers, and the way I related to people.

The thing is, alright, I understand the need to bow before God, understand who He really is and understand who I'm really not. Think of the magnitude of my full out rebellion against the God of the universe. No excuses, that was a choice I full out made. And then applying the idea that the triune God loved me enough to die for me, to chase after me, to tear His life apart and put it back together with me in it. This should in turn make us rejoice. Sing Amazing Grace, and shout hallelujah. (This part however rarely happens to me) But the thing I missed almost completely, that I don't think I ever thought about until I read the Redeemer study, was the need to PRAISE God. How it is physically, mentally, emotionally, soulfully impossible to rejoice, without giving praise to the One who makes it possible. We were meant to praise God, therefore if we do not do it, we cannot claim the gift we are meant to receive. It's as if I walked around saying, yes I'm Toti's (my father's) daughter, but never even gave him a call, never talked to him for years. I may always be Toti's daughter, that never changes, but there's that difference between a legal relationship and a personal relationship. I may always be his daughter, but do I love him? It's the same with the Father.

So in applying all that, I try to praise God everyday, and hopefully someday I can praise God all the time. Not that I'm great at it mind you, but I try. Even if it's a dry "God you are awesome." The exercise is good for my soul. "However important [growing my character] may be, this process of repentance trains us in habits of the soul that are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God." (from a 1 John Redeemer study). As Tim Keller says about relationships "Love is an action first, a feeling second." How could we expect any more from ourselves in our relationship with God? If loving God and being in a relationship with Him means forcing myself to sing a hymn, say a prayer, or read out stale sounding words, I'm going to freaking do it because it was what I was made to do. Like with most things, the focus isn't on receiving or even giving with excellence (that's covered by God in His covenant with us), really the focus is who you're giving to. That's what eros is, and that's the metaphor God likes to use with Christ as the groom and the Church as the bride.

Whew, that was a lot. But really it's been churning in my head for such a long time, it's the culmination of a lot of material read, sermons heard, conversations had, and feelings felt.

Btw, I think swearing off Google Reader is actually helping in a way I didn't fully expect. My life is really a lot less negative on a regular basis. Of course the negativity isn't Google Reader's fault per se, I just don't know how to subscribe to the less biased things without hearing about news no one else pays attention to. It's the blogging culture of the internet I suppose. Kind of how people rely on most of their news from late night TV which makes fun of everything, only on a grander scale. Also, I'd read Google Reader for most of my day which is more than the Bible, more than any other reading material. I think I just have to limit it to like an hour a day or something.

REJOICE!

Celebrate October!

Haha, I really like Claire's post about October. I was largely thinking the same thing yesterday. I really like the month of October. I always associate it with good things and good events in my life (not at all like crappy September). It has a billion birthdays in it: Mine(!!!), Claire's, my brother's, a few cousins', and several friends', my grandmother's (who has passed away); as well as my parents' anniversary, which they never celebrate or pay attention to, but somehow I'm the only one in my family that finds that kind of thing important (31 years for them, by the literal and full grace of God). And I guess I'll be adding my own dating anniversary with Ben. Also, in the last couple of years, I've gone on some retreat or other in the month of October. It's in October that it feels like it's just about that time to get out of here, or I will snap. Think of it, I've been in the tri-state area, really since the Ziesel wedding. I'm really looking forward to meaningfully leaving for the Pure Conference. Not like an overnight stay, or a day trip, like a real retreat. 22 days left woohoo! With so much to celebrate, there are always parties and get-togethers going on, too. October can really be as socially busy as December I think.

I also like how much cooler it gets. Everywhere I've lived in the world, it always gets cooler in October. This is weird, considering the Philippines is technically below the equator, though it is very close to it. Perhaps I am mixing memories, but I seriously remember October as the start of coolness (in so many levels). I know this line of thought is kind of contradictory to what I've said before, but keep in mind, the other two places I've lived at are tremendously hot places where any bit of cold was a good thing.