Dreams

It's been awhile since I've really blogged. And I think my writing may have suffered for it.

I've been thinking about dreams lately. Allow me to process.

Ever since I got married, my dream life (as in when I'm asleep) has been very, very active. I think it has a lot to do with not having the "second commute" of going from somewhere in Manhattan (downtown, midtown, or Washington Heights) to Astoria after a full night. I've been sleeping well enough, better than any other time of my life. I dream about work A LOT. A lot of the time it's me thinking over a problem over and over again in my dreams, but then I wake up and realize it didn't make sense at all or it wasn't even all that helpful. I also dream about wacky situations with people I love. None of the dreams are necessarily good...I can't recall the last time I really had a good dream.

On the other hand, it's been weird to be "living in a dream" (as in my waking life). I think if I sit down and count the number of things I've always wanted and now have, I'd realize what an ingrate I am. In a lot of ways the dreams I had as a child are very much true in my life now, even the dreams I was too scared to admit I had for fear that I'd never get it. An attractive husband who loves God and loves me, a stable job (we'll get to that), family and friends who care for me and I can count on, a church I've committed to and made roots in, a great apartment in the middle of a really cool city, a car, the lifestyle I maintain with all the food, theater, entertainment...it's rather odd to me, just the idea that I've suddenly become an outwardly (well really WORLDLY) successful adult person. Sure I wanted it! But I would not have believed this was possible, even just 4 years ago.

20-year-old me would proclaim that I was living in a dream. It's rather nuanced this idea of dreams though. It does not satisfy, it does not fulfill, and nor should it. The thing is, because I never thought that my greatest hopes and dreams would come true, I really played that down as a child, resulting in me being a dysfunctional dreamer. I had a very hard time answering the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", because I really didn't know what to aim for. I was just pushing through the short term, good or bad as it was, feeling like I'd ultimately not achieve much of anything, and I was preparing my heart for failure.

Now that I'm in a dream fulfilled, and of course I being a sinner in a sinful world am not satisfied. Well then, maybe I should dream for something else. What could it be? Greater comfort, greater wealth...are these things really greater? Won't they fail me once again and I will again want more? With these thoughts before me, I don't know how to dream. The Bible points to the need to dream and work for the Second Coming, when all will be restored and made right and God's people will reside with him in a city that's apparently a ginormous cube...but so often is this an ethereal thing. Not concrete enough to build on. My humanity creates barriers to understanding the impact and magnitude to my everyday life.

Ben is a really good foil for me on this. He's wanted to be a doctor since he was a kid. Though it's not like his road has been unwavering and straight (there have been many second, third, and millionth thoughts on whether this is the right path), he's pretty much been on a path toward where he is now and we hope in God that he continues down this path. Maybe he'll be a doctor in NYC, maybe he'll be a doctor in the suburbs, maybe he'll be doing missional work, who knows, but the main dream is to become a doctor. It's really neat when you think about it. I mean, what a cool dream!

I didn't and still don't have a dream like that. A dream that tangible, basic, and easy to communicate. Because of this, I think it's very easy for people to talk to him about his working world, and in essence his dreams. It's natural for him to tell people about him learning about what ails people and him helping people get better as a daily part of his work. I hear enough and understand enough from him that I know why people like talking to him about it. It doesn't stop me from feeling like a lesser part of our couplehood when I don't have a real concrete answer to "How's work doing?". I am partly to blame also because I honestly don't even have an "elevator speech" much more able to communicate very well about what I do. Nevermind knowing how to talk about dreams I don't have, except the little ones that don't mean anything. I lose momentum in a conversation, and Ben is readily there to talk more about his dreams. I'm laying it out here to have anyone reading this as a sounding board. I think it's just a cultural reality that professions that are revered like medicine draw a lot more attention and awe than something like finance...especially nowadays.

I don't really know where I was going with all that. I just know that there's something more to be had in this life than I have now. And it's such a danger to go looking for it in the idols of sex, power and money, which ultimately is all I ever dream about to be perfectly honest. Dreams really reveal what a person's idols are. The same goes with their worst nightmares. Not admitting to my dreams means not confessing my true desires, which is really just avoiding repentance. I forget what has lead me to a great measure of peace is repentance, and repentance is my road to complete shalom where longing has no place. But it's very hard to keep reminding yourself that in the light there is no shame.

Wedding, wedding, wedding

Somebody suggested (perhaps Dan T) that I get new business cards saying "Bride / Wedding Planner". It does have a ring to it.

I ordered my wedding dress last Saturday and am very happy that that's over with. I had a rather specific idea in mind, and I was really worried that I wouldn't find it. I'm excited for the fittings that will slowly make this dress mine.

I've been looking at assorted wedding things today. I've been giving some serious thought on centerpieces.

This one is from the Knot. I like how these are both things I can get from Ikea: river rocks, rectangular vase. Check!

But I think I still really love this look (that I got from Blooms By the Box ), seeing the flowers through the glass. I guess it depends on how clear the glass is and pricing for the florist. I don't know if I want to use Blooms By the Box just because I don't wanna stress out about ordering something so close to the wedding. The caterer has some tea lights we could use too.

So I've learned a couple things so far while planning this thing. I was never the type of person to have her wedding all planned out already and all you need is the groom (oddly enough from someone like me, but it's true). So it's interesting what pops up. There are certain things I really don't care about. Somethings that I'm even surprised at how much it's just not important to me. Like the bridesmaids dresses aren't important to me (hey, they're all pretty hot, I'm not really worried about them looking absolutely beautiful). Ceremony decorations, my bouqet, bridesmaids' bouqet, food, alcohol. What are important to me are sentimental, meaningful, and unique musical choices and beauty. Beauty is a big one. I think the colors are really important and the design of the save-the-dates to the floral arrangements should somehow tie in together.

This makes it really hard to look through all the ideas out there. At least with my dress, I had an idea, but because I'm kind of open to other designs, it's a bit of a crapshoot. Also, you start feeling like having a beautiful wedding is impossible, because you can never do all these things they're suggesting. It's absolutely not true, but it's the lie I must contend with. I think it's very similar to reading Seventeen magazine and feeling really ugly and/or abnormal. I never did read those much.

There's a lot to stand up to the world to and say "NO!". Everyone has an opinion about weddings and marriage, and it's interesting the people that just freely give me advice, even when I didn't ask for it. Some of it is good of course, but it's annoyingly bad mostly, especially when they don't know me or me in a relationship with Ben that well. I think what's weird about it is that they left me alone about every other important decision I've made thus far, and all of the sudden they've got something to say about what date my Wedding should be. I'm realizing that I'm just not used to that. My parents were very hands off with me (as they continue to be now, except of course are more than ready to serve and help) and I'm just not used to people telling me something I've decided is wrong, especially when it was my decision to make. Deal with it! I don't care if you can come or not.

Obviously, I'm a little angry and stressed about it. Point is, all the random opinions from people who have no idea who I am is not helpful.

Food Rules

I've somewhat successfully been living out some rules I gave myself about food. I thought up these rules for both budgetary and health reasons. Slowly but surely these last few months I've been changing little habits, and I realized today how amazing it is that I'm happily eating a banana and not a 200 calorie (or worse) muffin off a street cart. It used to be really hard to resist a $1 muffin (or even a 75 cent bagel and cheese). Especially because it was only a dollar. Honestly though I don't think there has been a measurable improvement in health (unmeasurable would be my level of energy and general happiness), it has really worked on the financial side.

For example, first, I started bringing in my lunch and snacks to work 4 days a week. I say snacks, because those vending machine purchases can be really ridiculous when a) you could've gotten it for 80 cents cheaper buying in bulk at the grocery store; b) most foods (except maybe popcorn) from there are not healthy. After that I started replacing carb/sugar heavy snacks with fruit (I don't know if I'll ever be the type to eat celery or carrot sticks). I still have brie and crackers or those 110 calorie popcorn bags a couple times a week, but overall, I am amazed at how I don't really think about it anymore. It used to be really hard, especially since I work at a cube farm and around lunch time all kinds of awesome smells are floating around. It's also a lot easier to not buy a cookie, when I don't even leave my floor for lunch at all (vending machines on another floor and cafeteria downstairs once being temptation filled places).

For good and for bad, my co-worker Christine will invite me to walk down with her because she needs to buy lunch, and I usually don't get anything because I leave my wallet behind. It's a nice way for us to talk without everyone around us listening in. Unfortunately, one time I had a really strong reaction to the visual cues of a chocolate muffin sitting behind the glass at the cafeteria, and Christine impulsively bought it for me (I guess out of gratitude that I would walk down with her). She was unstoppable! GAH! My plan was foiled that day. I'm careful now not to even look at the things and distract myself with conversation when I'm with her. (Side note: When we went to the opera, Ben and I went to Carnegie Deli after the show and we sat right by the rotating cakes display. I was so distracted it was just ridiculous.)

It's still really hard to curb the feeling of hunger. But weirdly enough, because I fasted a few times (not for these reasons obviously, but spiritual ones), it kinda taught me to lose that sense of entitlement. Lose the sense that I should never be hungry. That's really ridiculous if you think about all the billions of people in the world who do go hungry. And something much more foundational, that man must not live by bread alone. So weird that I've basically had to re-create a reality with truths that I usually ignored. Totally making this process a part of sanctification.

I also figured out that it's impossible for me to go any lower than $300 a month for eating out. That's a lot I think, maybe not a lot for a single woman in NY, but it's a lot. And we're not talking about Chinese food or Subway here, I have good dinners out frequently and like really good dinners ($20-$30) at least twice a month. (umm...these are guesstimates and not based on my spreadsheets, though I did find out that I spend ~$20 on average every time I eat out). So I made a rule that I shouldn't eat out if I'm by myself or it should be below $10 AND splittable to 2 meals or below $5 (though that usually means it's unhealthy and I should avoid that). Those foot longs from Subway have been genius for this.

Another thing is I've changed my breakfasts to be high in protein. My doctor suggested this because of some study. Anyway, so I microwave some egg whites in a bowl and eat it with some lunch meat (currently pepperoni) and a cup of Skim Plus milk. I usually don't want to eat in the mornings (being that I'm unhappy that I'm awake), so I generally don't care what I'm eating, I just know I have to eat breakfast.

Fridays are my free days. That's when I can spend money on all three meals of the day (as well as a big M&M cookie that I snack on throughout the day ^_^). I usually get an omelet and sausage from the cafeteria and some chocolate milk in the morning. My office building is attached to the mall so I get to go to the food court for lunch. Then I usually go to a restaurant with Benny for dinner. Weekends, I still try to eat in when I'm alone, but usually I'm out and about. But after a whole week of not buying food (except for a couple nights when I eat with someone), I feel truly free to spend money on food on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

There are several more rules, but those are the broad ones. That seems really restrictive, but really I like giving myself rules to follow. Growing up, I didn't have any real rules pertaining to anything, much more food, so to be able to do this for myself as an adult making my own decisions, it's extremely satisfying to know exactly what to do in a given situation. And since it's been a slow add on, it hasn't been traumatic at all. And it's easier to make little changes since there's a framework I'm working off of.

Hebrews Throwing it Down!

It's so quiet today. It's funny how a snow storm just keeps people at home....ah someday I'll be able to do that.

This is one of those posts that's like a paper that doesn't have connected paragraphs ala Xaris's free writing style. FREEDOM!

I've been reading Hebrews and I've been wrestling with some thoughts. I like how Tim Keller always says everyone needs to take the Bible as a whole, you can't just leave stuff out and create your own religion. If you want to believe the part about Jesus loving you and dying for you, then you can't just ignore the parts where God tells you your money is not yours and that sex is sacred within the confines of marriage between a man and a woman. Wrestling with it, Job style, and coming to a sense of God's awesomeness is the point. Anyway...

"It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.

Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whim it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned.

Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case - things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them." -Hebrews 6:4-10

This is scary to me. Below is from the Christian Happiness sermon I keep talking about:

"Indeed, Christianity is now so low in the world, and there is such a want of the lively and vigorous actings of grace, even in those that are godly, that one, upon a cursory view, would think there was no such a tendency in religion as we talk of; but however the case is now in this degenerate age, yet there has been a time in the first ages of the church when the Christian religion had so great an influence on the minds of almost all that professed the name of Christ, that they did not regard all the worst the world could do to them. They slighted and despised all the tortures and pains that could be invented against them, and even the very women and children disregarded them and triumphed over them, and showed themselves to be happy, and were joyful in the midst of flames or on a gridiron, and enjoyed much more pleasure and satisfaction there than the wicked man does in the greatest affluence of the highest sensual delights: so that we see this certainly is the nature and tendency of Christianity. However, for want of due exercise it fails, and it is always either for want of a sufficiency of it, for want of the exercise of it, or from the natural imbecility and weakness of human nature, that it cloth not always produce those effects."

Also just read this on Calvinism.

First of all, I look at the Hebrew passage and think about why the writer is being so harsh. And it's because it was a pretty harsh time for the young Christian church. I remember Tim Keller's series on Hebrews called "Christ our Treasury" I think, and he just said this everytime about the epistle's audience. So in a sense, I can understand the sentiment. But man, it's so hard to think that people who fall away were never really Christians (1 John 2:19), but also that they're crucifying Jesus all over again. I can think of so many people in my life who have "fallen away" and it breaks my heart. It's just troubling though considering my own stupidity and depravity, how it is that I'm "chosen". One can never really figure out why and no answer in this world will satisfy. It isn't to say that everyone who seems like they've fallen away really has the fallen away. Whatever, I guess my point is this is really hard to live out. Hard to realize the real consequences of believing and unbelief, especially when it comes to people I actually know and love. All I can do is thank and praise God and trust in His wisdom.

"You will keep in perfect peace,
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in You." - Isaiah 26:3

Dostoevsky leaves me in a weird mood

So I started thinking about business school today. I started thinking about how fun it would be to get an MBA. I looked it up on the Stern site and it looks like a pretty easy application (need to round up some recommendations, but hopefully that would be naturally accumulated while I'm working through the years). They have this super flexible program (you can finish the program weeknights or Saturdays) that can be done anywhere from 2 to 6 years, 60 credits. It would cost around $90,000 overall I think. It just sounds cool too. I'm not always entirely sure of the reasons why I would do such a thing, but I'm told you'll know when it just makes sense to do that. I looked at the curriculum and of course it had very similar names to all my Stern core classes. That'd be pretty wild to go back to again. Maybe it'll be easier, or even better taught considering the well known, nobel laureate profs who teach the grad school level.

I've been thinking about goals too. I need to write up some goals for myself at work, pertaining to the next 6 months (until the mid-year review). I haven't even started at all. It's pretty scary to be kept accountable like that. What was interesting about the Stern application was the whole idea of writing about what my short-term and long-term goals were and how an part-time MBA would help me get there.

I used to have some substantial goals. At least, I think I did. It's weird not to have any...well, it's weird to be faced with the fact that people expect me to have goals and find that I don't have much. I guess, sometimes I fear my resume doesn't really match my personality or my priorities. I just like business, theology, having fun, cute things. I'm not out to change the world in any particular way, though I imagine that would happen somewhat, just because I serve God.

When I came back home from vacation, I went to Jersey to pick up my car. This usually involves a quick hello/goodbye with uncles, but my aunt happened to be the only person available for me to pick up the keys and of course she wanted to feed me and talk to me. She's really easy to talk to and has had an interesting life. She used to be a head nurse for critical care (like emergency room stuff), then she retired and started working in the IT/Compliance sphere of financial institutions.

Anyway, we naturally started talking about Ben. She said, "That's going to take a loooong time, honey. He won't be a doctor for 10 years"...blah, blah, blah. I found it interesting that 1)She felt that was somehow connected to me, when I'm obviously not the one in med school and 2)That this fact would matter and that I bemoan the idea. I guess this particular view of life (a view my mother shares I found) just catches me off guard. The view that there is a particular time and place and situation in life when you've finally arrived. When it's finally all done.

I guess I feel this way because I've very, very recently gone through a place in life where that was supposed to be the case ("Now, I'm an adult." "Now, I am financially independent."). So don't get me wrong, I understand where this is coming from, and have definitely thought that finishing school was connected to "arriving". But I just want to point out how silly this is if you're a Christian. I couldn't help thinking, why should it matter how long something takes? Most especially if it's something you can't even control. Actually, we can't really control most things.

I just think about my own life and how young I am and how much will be happening in the next 60 years or so (or shorter...the Pauline in me is rooting for shorter). I'm under the impression that if things are gonna take that long, then I shouldn't be so worried about where I'll be and how long it takes because I know God is with me and that I am with Him. You know, "Tomorrow will worry about itself" kind of stuff.

Of course, I think about decisions I'm going to have to make, etc. Hopefully, ya'll know me well enough to know how seriously I do take life and doing the 1 John walking in the light things. But whatever decision I make and however much I screw up or succeed, there is so much to be grateful for and be happy about.

So I've started reading The Brothers Karamazov (finally!) and been loving it. Good quote that has guided this post:

"Even if it is not given to you to achieve happiness, you must always remember that you are on the right path and you must try not to stray from it. Above all, avoid lying, especially lying to yourself. Keep watching out for your lies, watch for them every hour, every minute. Also avoid disgust, both for others and for yourself: whatever strikes you as disgusting within yourself is cleansed by the mere fact that you notice it. Avoid fear too, although fear is really only a consequence of lies. Never be afraid of your petty selfishness when you try to achieve love, and don't be too alarmed if you act badly on occasion. I'm sorry I cannot tell you anything more reassuring. A true act of love, unlike imaginary love, is hard and forbidding. Imaginary love yearns for an immediate heroic act that is achieved quickly and seen by everyone. People may actually reach a point where they are willing to sacrifice their lives, as long as the ordeal doesn't last too long, is quickly over - just like on the stage, with the public watching and admiring. A true act of love, on the other hand requires hard work and patience, and, for some, it is a whole way of life. But I predict that at the very moment when you see despairingly that, despite all your efforts, you have not only failed to come closer to your goal but, indeed, seem even farther from it than ever - at that very moment, you will have achieved your goal and will recognize the miraculous power of our Lord, who has always loved you and has secretly guided you along."

I like how he says, "I'm sorry I cannot tell you anything more reassuring" and then continues on with the real spiritual meat. What could be more reassuring than God's unconditional love?!?! Tell me, WHAT?!

Me and some peeps are off to the Redeemer Winter Getaway this weekend. Hurrah! I hope I won't freeze to death and that the roads are clear.

PF Blogs and Prayer (Unequal pastimes)

I'm slowly easing my way into "normal" life. I started reading Google Reader in earnest today...and it was weird slowly getting sucked into the finance blogs and my curiosity again diverting my attention to such topics. It's tax season, and that adds all sorts of curiosity on my part...I really don't know much about taxes, and I wish I did. Sometimes I really wish I didn't listen to my mother and just did Accounting as my double-major. Oddly enough, it would've really helped for what I'm working on now...then again, I probably would've focused too much on being an accountant, which would not have led me to where I am today.

So mainly right now, I'm trying to focus on not being overwhelmed. This involves a lot of making myself busy and prayer. More prayer probably is needed. I really wish I could pray more and often and with other people and for other people and other people for me. It's a weird sensation thinking that possibly no one is praying for me...it's not true I'm sure, and a bit of a self-centered thought at best, but I really feel like people praying for me has this supernatural power in my life (as it should) that I can almost feel sometimes. I feel so alone without it. You can never hang out with me, never call me, never hug me, but the thought of someone praying for me, that really makes me feel loved. My great grandmother is an example of this. She's passed away now, but she used to have list of all her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren (which are A LOT) and do a rosary for each one of us regularly. Even in my darkest times, somehow I would imagine her doing this and think, wow, someone cares. I hadn't seen her since I was 6 years old or something, but it mattered a lot to me that she was doing that.

But then I rarely really pray for anyone, unless I know they're going through something or they ask for it...that's just really lame.

Christmas Wish List

I've been on ebay a lot recently. I totally forgot how I can get such bang for my buck there. I've been toying with the idea of buying some really old Blackberry that seem to go for around $50 and just ask the mama for the data addition to the plan...but the whole point of wanting it, I must admit, is really the sexiness of it, not just the functionality. Technology is something that is important to me (ultra nice dress pants however not as much), so I don't exactly feel like this is silly of me. Currently, I am the winning bidder of this pretty package. I've been wanting a PS2 for years (highly doubt I'd ever get a PS3) mainly because I've got PS2 games. I'm also uber excited to finally be a proud owner of Guitar Hero. I can't believe more people aren't bidding for this, but I guess it's because the next gen stuff is more appealing. Well, that means it's more valuable to me and I'm willing to pay more than most.

Anyway, so I thought I would write a Christmas Wish List. I actually don't expect to receive any of these things for Christmas, but they are things I'll be in the process of saving for in the following months/years. Really, it wouldn't even have to be brand new, just newer than I have now. Here it is in quasi-covet level order

1) Blackberry (really anything with a full keyboard and runs on T-Mobile and looks cool, like the G1...I admit I am a bit tempted by the touch screen stuff...)
2) Laptop/netbook (again, it can be used or even just 2 years old; Essentials to me are 2GB Ram, >= 160 MB hard drive, XP, Microsoft Office Suite 2003 but really just need Excel ^_^, DVD/CD RW combo, dual-core processor speed doesn't really matter, integrated graphics card or better, and built in wireless card) - Honestly, that's actually really modest, and I could get a $400 laptop with these bare bones. Been watching this puppy the last couple of days.
3) non-iron shirts from CTshirts.com (they have an AMAZING return policy; would consider Brooks Brothers as well)
4) proper black boots (I'm a New Yorker, I'm a woman, it's essential)
5) Guitar Hero/PS2
6) Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan
7) tailored pant suits
8) Book shelf (mine is literally teetering)
9) Xbox 360 with games
10) Get the back bumper of Gigi fixed
11) Trip to Tokyo
12) Trip to London
13) Trip to Germany to see Summer B

Obviously, with 10-13 I'm reaching into fairy tale land. In general though, life is pretty blessed. I still can't believe I actually OWN a digital camera, and I would have kicked myself if it had cost any more than $200, since I don't really use it that often. It's weird to think that I can basically afford anything with a little saving, but just not everything. It's all about realizing what I want the most.

Unstuck in Time

First of all, I got this today from a fellow worker. Thought I'd share.

Secondly, I had another one of those I-could-write-a-writing-the-essay-paper-about-this trains of thought recently. I warn you that this is going to sound incomplete, only because I'm not really connecting my thoughts, and really I don't have a point. Such is the freedom of blogs and not being in school ^_^.

Here's another quote from Sallie Culbreth :
People get discouraged because of the enormity of what lies ahead. Recovery is a huge undertaking that you may not even take the first step toward because it seems pointless. That's one of those lies that you must aggressively talk back to. No - you won't get there today or tomorrow, but you WILL get there eventually if you keep focused on those small victories, those courageous steps, and those tiny celebrations of joy that you find along the way.

I would argue Sallie is a little too people centric sometimes (she's all about the warrior metaphor with all its fighting and empowerment), but the newsletter that this came from was really encouraging. She's obviously talking about abuse recovery here, but really we're all recovering from the fall. We are all coping with a broken world.

I saw Donnie Darko recently. At the same time I've been reading Slaughterhouse Five. And it's weird that both have those themes of being unstuck in time. In the book, Billy Pilgrim learns how to view life not as sequential moments in time but instead just an amalgation of all those moments. So, if someone is dead at one moment, you don't see them as just dead, because they were a perfectly alive person for so many other moments in their life. However, Donnie still keeps the sequential element of moments intact, though the manipulation of those moments to the betterment of life is also at play. Donnie believes that God controls our paths in time, but in the end he chooses to do something that ultimately makes him take the place of God, by skipping out on Him somehow. Overall though, the movie dealt with the fear of being alone driving the need to believe in God.

This all made me think of what I had heard somewhere before (forget where), that God (the Father I suppose) doesn't necessarily view time as sequential. He is the same God of all times and all places, so he probably views time more like the way Billy was learning to view time. To us one moment of pain can seem endless, but God sees the entirety of our lives and His plan for us. He has the ultimate perfect perspective of time. But He can completely relate to our point of view because He became a man who experienced a sequential life, yet was still God and had supernatural knowledge of other moments in His life and everyone else's.

The way Billy sees time though, is missing God, so life ends up meaning nothing. Nothing but the momentary joys and beauty. It has no purpose.

Well, I haven't finished Slaughterhouse Five so I couldn't fully incorporate the book, but the themes are probably relevant. It's times like these that I wish I could write better. I kind of get to understand the whole idea of creating something new with old ideas. Alas, I hit my peak in the 5th grade (last time I was really praised for my writing and encouraged to develop it). I forget sometimes that I used to want to be an Editor, as recently as sophomore year in high school. Not that I regret my choice, but it's nice to realize that my brain can still work well within other subjects aside from business.

Idols and Home Life

Ok, so I'm still thinking about money a little today. Really, truly though, please read what Ramit has to say. If you read anything from this guy read this post. It's really interesting to see what he has to say about money. Considering the thought that money usually flows easiest to things we most love and treasure, the things we idolize, what he says implies that we're not even wise enough to idolize those things correctly. So not only are we foolish to store our treasures here instead of in heaven, we are even more foolish because we don't even stay consistent with our own desires. Just a thought...

I definitely do not regret leading a Bible Study on Saturday mornings. "Let's be clear!" (haha) But I am looking forward to getting to sleep in for the first time in weeks this Saturday!!! I also look forward to cooking myself a big breakfast, and watching VH1's Top 20 Countdown. I also look forward to finally finishing off our painting job, and perhaps repairing the awesome stickers I wanted to use that have since tragically fallen off (trust me, it's tragic to me). I look forward to doing these things without feeling guilty about it because I'm sick or something and I probably should be sleeping instead of paying attention to household things (some of which, I just have to mention in passive aggressive fashion, is not my duty to begin with). I might even friggin' clean the bathroom and take out the mountain of recycling I'm sooo excited. I think I'm just tired of feeling guilty about it, while no action has been taken at all by anyone. The J in me flares up beyond reason.

What Yelling the Truth at Yourself Accomplishes

"All The Trees Of The Field Will Clap Their Hands" - Sufjan Stevens
If I am alive this time next year Will I have arrived in time to share? Mine is about as good this far/ I'm still applied to what you are And I'm joining all my thoughts to you And I'm preparing every part for you/ I heard from the trees a great parade And I heard from the hills a band was made Will I be invited to the sound? Will I be a part of what you've made?/ And I am throwing all my thoughts away And I'm destroying every bet I've made And I am joining all my thoughts to you And I'm preparing every part for you

I've owned this song for a few years now (and have had it in my iPod all that time), and I honestly never really listened to what it was saying. It's weird that in conjunction with everything going on in the market (the loss of hope, the panic, the fear), is when I get to the head of the beast that I'm dealing with and oh like in a video game, the mega boss is harder than I thought and I'm using everything I have to throw at it. Well, I choose Hope damn it! I choose Love! I choose to be loved by God, to be taken, pruned, cherished by Him. To commit myself to Him.

"The energy you could spend on a life that reflects the sacredness and dignity of God gave to you is instead spent in chaotic, circular patterns that go nowhere." From a (free!) weekly newsletter I get from Committed To Freedom that Andrea is involved with. They're also the ones who give the seminars at Redeemer every year in July, which I've been to as well.

Reading Redeeming Love, it's interesting to see myself in both the prostitute and the farmer. I always remember what Justin Moffat had said about how interesting is it that Jesus always rebukes the strong and encourages the weak, and how we're both at the same time. People are just complicated.

"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming." - Helen Keller (also from Committed To Freedom)