I watched Bridesmaids this weekend with one of my bestest friends and bridesmaids :). By the way it was as good as all the hype suggests. It was insanely hilarious. It's honestly a bad title though, since it was less about wedding madness and more about women friendships and all the insecurities and affirmations that go along with that. It kinda really affirms how without our friendships, especially the female ones, we easily become emotionally and spiritually dead. It's important within God's plan of community formation to have friendships that go deep.
Anyway, what weirded me out a little bit, was how much I kinda wish I was going through a crisis like the main character, Annie, does. I wish I was in a position that someone has to really slap me around to get my act together. In a lot of ways, I find myself to be a better loser than a winner.
I can honestly say I had no real friends until college. I'm not saying I was friendless, but my friends before then were friends out of survival. We had the same classes/interests/test scores, so I stuck around with them on social occasions so I could be as "normal" as possible. But it's not like I felt like anyone would want to hang out with me or me with them after school. This reverberates through to my life today, as I still get acute social anxiety when I'm going to a party or even just hanging out with some people. Even though it's painful to work through the fear (it's so silly fear of what? not being liked!), I'm more comfortable in this uphill battle.
Never would I have ever imagined that I'd be in a city like New York. I've lived here non-stop (except for week-2 week vacations) for almost 7 years now. On top of that, I would never have imagined that I would be so stable. I've stayed employed through one of the worst financial crises in history. I bitch and moan about my job, but man it's stable. Not only is it stable, but I'm thriving in it. I've been promoted twice, I get a good bonus, I have six months saved up. I support my husband. Even with all the politics I have to deal with, in general everyone at work likes me. Redeemer feels like my home church, and I've been there long enough to plant some roots and recognize the people around me, from babies to the more senior and the majority that is in between. I meet up with friends and they want to meet with me too. My husband is loving, kind, and cares about my character. If you told me this would happen, even just 4 years ago, I would find it very hard to believe. This is what I would've termed as being a winner.
Tim Keller had a sermon my freshman year about the two great tests of life. One test is when things are going really shitty, and one test is when everything is going really well for you. I remember him saying that the latter is the more dangerous one, since it leaves you less needy. Less needy means less room for Christ. On top of that, the Gospel teaches me that I'm both a loser saved by grace, and a winner wearing the righteousness of Christ.
Just like any sinner, I have my preferences on which side of the Gospel I want to emphasize in my life. Being a loser is clearer to me. I know better how to analyze my life and find the specific sins, and work through in counseling the solutions. I play the victim very well, and also the savior very well. Then I realize I'm saving myself, and then EVENTUALLY, find that the Lord has bound me up like a sheep and saved me despite myself. This is comfortable, this is normal based on the previous 2 decades of my life. Depression, anxiety, and trials are a gift from God.
But what about the place where things are going well. I feel I am in muddier waters. What is it like to live life in perpetual dependence on God, when the life of winning lulls you into thinking this is through the work you've done. Worst of all, it tempts you to think you're better than other people who can't seem to get it together.
Reading through the Bible is scary, when you're in a place where you are the opposite of the poor, orphaned, and the foreigner. It's like being the rich young man who comes to Christ and asks how to get into the Kingdom of God. Jesus turns to him and tells him to follow all the commandments. The young guy says, of course I do that! Then Jesus tells him to give away all his riches, and to follow Him. Then the young guy turns away utterly dejected. Whenever I read passages like this, I feel like Jesus is talking right at me, and I feel rather dejected. It's like he tells me, what are you doing to empower the disempowered, lift up the oppressed, and pour out your wealth to those who have none? This isn't just about tithing anymore (which is this box we all check anyway), it's about what am I doing with my life to glorify God? This judgment is very real, and I clamor my way to the cross to repent and be still to receive the grace which is mine too.
Being blessed with all these good things in life in recent years yields more questions for me. Am I a better steward of His riches, or have I already received my reward on earth? These rewards include not just money, but other less thought of caches like power, time, friendship. I had a crisis recently about how hard it is to be a good friend. It was easier to be real when I was a loser, but it's less easy to be real when you have much more to lose. No wonder people fondly dream of the college years, when there was definitely less to lose.
Anyway, this is complicated. And Tim Keller (AGAIN, I know..) gave this illustration in yesterday's sermon about wisdom. God made this world good, and with a created order, on top of that we are fallen and everything is ruined, but on top of that we are redeemed and God is working RIGHT NOW in this fallen world. To be wise, you not only need to know that there are things you definitely should do (order and laws in the world), and that sometimes things are worst than ever (fallen world), but all of that is part of God's plan and He ultimately works good through it (redemption). They need to exist together, because life is complex, and to think otherwise means you are a fool.
I guess I'll end this on a high note..sort of :). I'm a sucker for hymns keyed in minor. I don't know what it is, but it's the complexity of the soaring words of the hymn plus the melancholy minor makes it more real to me. Favorite verse is the following:
Come, ye weary heavy laden, lost and ruined by the fall. If you tarry till you're better, you will never come at all. I will arise and go to Jesus, He will embrace me in His arms. In the arms of my dear Savior, oh, there are ten thousand charms.
We are all winners and losers that need Jesus. When you feel like a winner, be assured that you are a loser, and when you feel like a loser, be encouraged that you are a winner.
Glad you took a day off, friend. Good to read your words.
ReplyDelete