Community

I have a habit of not trying too hard to explain myself when I write (why I got a B in Writing the Essay). This may be one of those posts.

This morning, I listened to Coldplay's "A Message". As most of you probably have heard it (I realize I enjoy music in a very isolated fashion and am not quite sure what everyone likes), here's just a snippet.

"My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes on
You don't have to be alone

Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it's so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own"

This morning I was reading this study by Beth Moore (my mom gave me for my birthday) on Jesus - "90 days with the one and only". Today she talked about how gracious God was to Mary. Gabriel didn't only tell her that she was a) going to be pregnant b) that it would be the Son of God, but also mentioned (obviously in Xaris paraphrasing world) c) "b-t-dubbs, your cousin Elizabeth is also having a radical, unexpected, and stigmatizing pregnancy too!" God was paying attention to the personal ramifications Mary was to endure. And after that, Mary goes to visit Elizabeth (who is like 70 miles away or something!) and Elizabeth has nothing but encouragement for her and shares in Mary's wonder.

You don't have to be on your own. Such a wonderful truth.

Ben and I had a "double datesky" with PJ and Gillian last Saturday. It was weird how remarkably blessed I felt by this. We weren't even talking about real deep stuff or insights about life. I can barely remember what we even really talked about or what any specific person said, including myself (which is really freaking odd, because I remember everything usually). Though without words being said outright, the commonality of our situations was so real that it was just a blessing to be in community with them.

Laura has written about this and related topics before (and much more extensively, with books and quotes to back her up ^_^), in obviously different circumstances from me, but what I have to say is similar, just me making my own peace about it. There's something alienating about being committed to another person when one is this young. It's not just about the time and energy that needs to be reallocated to only one person instead of spread to more people, it's also the heart knowledge of another person that uses this as currency. Not that I think my sisters don't know what's going on with me (obviously if you read this blog and talk to me once and awhile, you largely do), but it's just changed. It's not like in high school when I could tell my friends what happened last period. I'm grateful though, that this change obviously coincides with an increase in maturity about giving and receiving intimacy.

One of the greatest spiritual battles of my life has been intimacy and not having it or having too much. Never feeling like I had people in my life who really knew what I was about or trying to be, for most of my life. That obviously changed with the Navigators who freely offered me community. But that was only the beginning. I see now that I spent my college years figuring this out: "Empowerment does not translate to entitlement". Just because I'm given something good, it doesn't mean I deserve it, or can manipulate it to my ends and pleasure. Intimacy is a gift and is something given not taken. Just because we need community, it does not mean we deserve it, or are automatically given one. You cannot force people to be friends with you, just because they showed you they want to be your friend. I think it took me awhile to freaking grow up and realize this. Many of you were victims of this process.

Thank God for boundaries! Kind of like at work, just because these people are invited to a certain type of intimacy with me (the normal everyday type where they see me everyday for most of my waking life, hear me cough and see what I have for lunch) does not mean they have access to my heart. They don't get to ask me what I did last night, unless it's something I had already talked about. I think when our boundaries were disregarded and violated in the past, it's harder to see God's design, or we misinterpret that to be God's design - we either close up desperately building a thick wall of protection or open up for a free for all with no thought as to the dignity of our personhood.

The truth is I need community and am blessed with it. But this stage in life is just far more different than the previous one before it. And just like how I had to get used to the truth that I can't force people to be friends with me. I need to get used to the idea that I'm a woman now, making decisions for myself that have real consequences, and I need to seek out community more than it has come to me (i.e. Mary). And I need to be grateful for what comes and not use it just for myself (i.e. Elizabeth). I don't have to be on my own.

Whew, thanks for letting me process.