Life is Vague

I'm gonna admit that it's been harder to figure out the lines between what I blog about and what I don't. There are times when I don't think I have enough energy to really address a tense issue that I'm wrestling with at the moment, even though it kind of encompasses my thoughts, rendering me unable to really write a post becuase in some weird way I feel like I'm lying or stretching. That's the thing about blogs, it's just a controlled presentation of self. Really, I just need to find one thing that I could write about forever, and suddenly I have a post.

I really didn't think about what I was getting into when I pledged to post everyday. I just thought, yeah, it would be a break from reading Google Reader and general input, and allow me to output. But even my penchant for Google Reader has changed. I actually don't compulsively check it anymore, and I have let the feeds languish up to the dreaded 1000+ articles. I actually don't read as much, period. Ben has a habit of sending me theological papers and documents and I haven't been reading it as immediately as I used to. He'll usually send me something and I would've read it and be ready to discuss it, when sometimes he didn't even read the whole thing.

It probably has something to do with my quiet times. It's odd but lately, I've been living this verse: "If you remain in me, and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you." (Forget the reference...I know, that sucks, I should know...A-pack was long time ago). I think I really have been abiding (different translation of remain) in Christ, and oddly enough I've been receiving many blessings that I wished for, and then much, much more. Like Ephesians 3:20 "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us". But the weird thing is, I acutely feel a sense of laziness within me about my quiet times. Like I'm not really getting anything out of it.

Ugh, I guess I just don't know how to handle myself when I feel unaware yet somehow aware of myself. It's like I really need to repent/rejoice, but I don't know how. Like I wish there was something I could cry about just to shake me into a complete surrender to Christ. I'm uncomfortable in the in-between, and afraid that God thinks I've grown enough to handle this vagueness and I'm just gonna have to trust that He's right (and He most assuredly is). BAH, this murky life is frustrating!