I just wanna say that if you're looking for any sort of real, good, reasonably priced jewelry in NYC, go to David S Diamonds. Ravin, the guy Ben got my ring from, is such an amiable person, and is just so surprisingly great to deal with. You just don't feel hustled, which is rare for me nowadays as I need to put my gameface on whenever I'm dealing with a wedding purchase of some sort. Even if it's just talking myself down. Anyway, just ask me if you have that kind of need.
This last week has been so surprisingly social. It never ceases to amaze me the randomness of what dictates how busy you are at any given point in time when there aren't any structures to your time (like semester, quarter, finals, etc.).
Ben and I took my cousins to Coney Island yesterday. It was all our first time there, so it was very interesting. I think the beach there is actually better than Rockaway...though more crowded. The 4 of us squeezed onto my beach towel and even laid out a little. The facilities and the food were better too...thinking I'm definitely going back this summer!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Calling and Wedding Tidbits
So apparently, Mike Mason added an extra chapter to "The Mystery of Marriage" when he was 10 years into marriage. The original book was from his musings during engagement and it became a book the year after. How does someone know so much about marriage being so new to it? I really wouldn't know.
This is from a parable he quotes in the new chapter:
"Looking back, I can see that before then, in spite of having a lover and all, really I was still behaving pretty much like my own person: single, autonomous, marching to a private drum. And expecting Christopher just to tag along! It was almost as though I were the only person on earth, lost in my own little dream world. But ever since that mysterious transaction at the altar, like it or not I've found myself living not my own life but Christopher's: doing Christopher's work, thinking Christopher's thoughts, getting used to Christopher's body as being my own body, and trying, however clumsily, to do all things just the way Christopher wants them done. And since there is legally only one living person now in place of two, I even took his full name, first and last, as my own: Christopher Rainbow."
It's interesting how much it pinpoints how people are prone to use one another. We are prone to like what we like, and just like the people who like that same thing. In fact, according to C.S. Lewis, that is the definition of friendship.
I'm not gonna lie, the call of being a wife is kind of scary. To live as if I'm not living my own selfish life, a life I've been used to living until now. Because when you start using your husband for your own agenda and desires, then it is to your downfall, because you are ONE. Whatever you do to him, you do to yourself.
Wedding Planning status (in case you wanna know):
-Guest List is pretty much finalized. Woot!!!
-We've figured out our Save-the-Dates with the wonderful, fabulous, and brave Kyo (this woman is doing 3 weddings, in one of which she's a maid of honor!, oh brave, brave soul). I'm so extremely happy with how it turned out. And I'm so extremely happy that I can look at other people's with full on glee, without feeling like I'm supposed to look at it and see what I like about it. I just really like these kinds of things, as previously mentioned.
-We have begun the registering process, complete with registering needs checklist. I always enjoy shopping with Benny, so it should be a fun experience.
-Contemplating a DIY centerpiece involving candles on a dish with wedding flowers strewn on. Should be $100-$200 cheaper. AND the bridesmaids would have actual bouqets (though small ones...and also DIY, including mine...which I'm not sure we know how to do yet with orchids). Hmm...
-I keep seeing other wedding dresses and get a tinge of fear and doubt that I chose the wrong one....which is pretty ridiculous, because it's absolutely beautiful and in my price range, but it's the tension that comes with making a decision early, and the fact that I can't look at it. I keep telling myself, "You wear it for one day, you wear it for one day." I must amuse myself with thinking of options for a coat or something to keep warm!
-Blue Nile and Amazon have pretty affordable wedding rings, but I wonder if it's safe to buy online...But I know the whole reason why they're cheaper is they pay way less overhead...I usually wouldn't be so apprehensive, but jewelry is just something I don't know much about.
This is from a parable he quotes in the new chapter:
"Looking back, I can see that before then, in spite of having a lover and all, really I was still behaving pretty much like my own person: single, autonomous, marching to a private drum. And expecting Christopher just to tag along! It was almost as though I were the only person on earth, lost in my own little dream world. But ever since that mysterious transaction at the altar, like it or not I've found myself living not my own life but Christopher's: doing Christopher's work, thinking Christopher's thoughts, getting used to Christopher's body as being my own body, and trying, however clumsily, to do all things just the way Christopher wants them done. And since there is legally only one living person now in place of two, I even took his full name, first and last, as my own: Christopher Rainbow."
It's interesting how much it pinpoints how people are prone to use one another. We are prone to like what we like, and just like the people who like that same thing. In fact, according to C.S. Lewis, that is the definition of friendship.
I'm not gonna lie, the call of being a wife is kind of scary. To live as if I'm not living my own selfish life, a life I've been used to living until now. Because when you start using your husband for your own agenda and desires, then it is to your downfall, because you are ONE. Whatever you do to him, you do to yourself.
Wedding Planning status (in case you wanna know):
-Guest List is pretty much finalized. Woot!!!
-We've figured out our Save-the-Dates with the wonderful, fabulous, and brave Kyo (this woman is doing 3 weddings, in one of which she's a maid of honor!, oh brave, brave soul). I'm so extremely happy with how it turned out. And I'm so extremely happy that I can look at other people's with full on glee, without feeling like I'm supposed to look at it and see what I like about it. I just really like these kinds of things, as previously mentioned.
-We have begun the registering process, complete with registering needs checklist. I always enjoy shopping with Benny, so it should be a fun experience.
-Contemplating a DIY centerpiece involving candles on a dish with wedding flowers strewn on. Should be $100-$200 cheaper. AND the bridesmaids would have actual bouqets (though small ones...and also DIY, including mine...which I'm not sure we know how to do yet with orchids). Hmm...
-I keep seeing other wedding dresses and get a tinge of fear and doubt that I chose the wrong one....which is pretty ridiculous, because it's absolutely beautiful and in my price range, but it's the tension that comes with making a decision early, and the fact that I can't look at it. I keep telling myself, "You wear it for one day, you wear it for one day." I must amuse myself with thinking of options for a coat or something to keep warm!
-Blue Nile and Amazon have pretty affordable wedding rings, but I wonder if it's safe to buy online...But I know the whole reason why they're cheaper is they pay way less overhead...I usually wouldn't be so apprehensive, but jewelry is just something I don't know much about.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Pricing
One wedding decision annoyance is not knowing what a fair price is. Everything is super-bloated in the wedding industry. I hate it that when something is within my budget, I can't really tell if it's a fair price or just that I'm over-budgeting. Imperfect information sharing just leads to inefficient markets. And I think the problem is that there is a ridiculous range of prices you could pay for any single item.
Related to pricing is how annoying it is that even when you DIY, it's not necessarily cheaper. It can be, in fact, more expensive. Example? Makeup. I don't really wear makeup, but if I did that myself it would probably cost me more money than if I used a professional to do it for me the day of, plus I would not be stuck with makeup that I'm not really gonna use. Also, there's the worrying about having it done well. I COULD do the centerpieces myself, go and buy some orchids on Sunday and put them together, but I'd be so stressed out already, and it would be one more thing I have to do that Sunday. There's something about just paying to get it done that is so appealing...though more expensive. I just wish I knew a florist and a hair and makeup person who wouldn't have to charge me an arm and a leg. Networking fail!
Related to pricing is how annoying it is that even when you DIY, it's not necessarily cheaper. It can be, in fact, more expensive. Example? Makeup. I don't really wear makeup, but if I did that myself it would probably cost me more money than if I used a professional to do it for me the day of, plus I would not be stuck with makeup that I'm not really gonna use. Also, there's the worrying about having it done well. I COULD do the centerpieces myself, go and buy some orchids on Sunday and put them together, but I'd be so stressed out already, and it would be one more thing I have to do that Sunday. There's something about just paying to get it done that is so appealing...though more expensive. I just wish I knew a florist and a hair and makeup person who wouldn't have to charge me an arm and a leg. Networking fail!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Into Week 7 of Engagment
Believe it or not, I think today was the first day I actually thought that I wish this wedding stuff was all over already. I wished MANY times that all the decisions, decisions, decisions, and the bills that go with those things would be over, but I oddly enough hadn't felt the rush to be actually married and to actually have the wedding. It's curious how challenging marriage really looks when it's staring you down, even in the best of times.
I don't think I'm necessarily much better equiped now than I was in Week 1 for marriage. I think I'm just getting tired of having these "To-do's" 2-6 months in advance. Some of which are really major like finding an affordable 1 bedroom in Manhattan...which I've never had to worry about! I'm surprisingly not the kind of person who likes actual lists of things to-do written out. I usually remember what I need to do. If I know I won't remember what I need to do, then I make special effort to write it down...and then end up just remembering better since I wrote it down. Generally, I've relied on my memory for these kinds of things. This is what makes me hate planning/anticipating big, obnoxious, life-changing events. I like to know EVERYTHING about everything, but that's a little impossible to do! Things like a wedding have so many moving parts and tiny details, kind of representative with how big a deal it is. I just really want to go to all the vendors and book them, and make all these things, and talk with all these people, and buy all these things, I've already decided on...but I know how weird that would be to do at this point in time.
Whenever someone asks about my plans and I tell them all about the things we've already done, I sometimes get a "Wow, you're so organized!" I wanna say, "No, it's more like I'm crazy!".
However, I'm finding that just like anything in this adult life, transitioning is gonna take time. I've been grateful for this time so far. Ben and I absolutely need that time. But when I see a deal on bubble blowers on the Knot and realize that I probably shouldn't buy it because I'll have 6 month old bubble solution at my wedding and I must stop myself from making my decision final...it's just so frustrating and representative of the larger reality of engagement being a holding station. True, a holding station made by God where much growth will happen, but a holding station nonetheless.
I don't think I'm necessarily much better equiped now than I was in Week 1 for marriage. I think I'm just getting tired of having these "To-do's" 2-6 months in advance. Some of which are really major like finding an affordable 1 bedroom in Manhattan...which I've never had to worry about! I'm surprisingly not the kind of person who likes actual lists of things to-do written out. I usually remember what I need to do. If I know I won't remember what I need to do, then I make special effort to write it down...and then end up just remembering better since I wrote it down. Generally, I've relied on my memory for these kinds of things. This is what makes me hate planning/anticipating big, obnoxious, life-changing events. I like to know EVERYTHING about everything, but that's a little impossible to do! Things like a wedding have so many moving parts and tiny details, kind of representative with how big a deal it is. I just really want to go to all the vendors and book them, and make all these things, and talk with all these people, and buy all these things, I've already decided on...but I know how weird that would be to do at this point in time.
Whenever someone asks about my plans and I tell them all about the things we've already done, I sometimes get a "Wow, you're so organized!" I wanna say, "No, it's more like I'm crazy!".
However, I'm finding that just like anything in this adult life, transitioning is gonna take time. I've been grateful for this time so far. Ben and I absolutely need that time. But when I see a deal on bubble blowers on the Knot and realize that I probably shouldn't buy it because I'll have 6 month old bubble solution at my wedding and I must stop myself from making my decision final...it's just so frustrating and representative of the larger reality of engagement being a holding station. True, a holding station made by God where much growth will happen, but a holding station nonetheless.
Friday, June 5, 2009
My First Bloxham Family Vacation
I'm gonna make an effort and write a few key things about the trip. I'm having issues with the Facebook uploader thing, so hopefully Picasa won't let me down, the slideshow is below!
-I had never been to Hawaii before. Being an island girl myself, I was excited to see a new one. It was weird having coconut trees in the backyard of the house and something we call calachuchi trees in the front yard of someone else's house in the same way it was back in the Philippines. There was also some sleeping grass, which we got video of in action (it closes up when you touch it). There were also a lot of hibiscus bushes around which we call gumamela, the flowers of which you can make bubbles from (that's right, bubbles). There were also these little lizards that used to scare the hell out of me when we lived in the projects, except these ones wouldn't make this ominous clicking sound. It was just so weirdly nostalgic having all that familiar flora and fauna. I didn't expect to be so taken by the smells and sights of it.
-Coming into a new family that's very different than mine is awkward and it will continue to be. BUT this was a lot like a retreat in that the more time you spend with people, the more you just get to know them. I found my eclectic tastes to be of service in connecting with each person. I felt very grateful to be welcomed into the Bloxham family.
-I am back to my normal color. As in I haven't been this tan since...since probably when I was 9 years old before moving to America. I have no idea how long it will take to wear off, but I'm sure gonna enjoy it while it lasts.
-I finally felt comfortable in the ocean again. I think in NY it was really hard to feel safe in the ocean because of the rockiness and the huge waves, but the Pacific is just awesomely familiar and warm, even with the scary waves. Being exposed to it so many times helped me reunite with it.
-It was nice to feel like I was ready to go home by the end of it. Sign of a good vacation is that you love it, but you're also itching to leave by the end.
-I just generally do very well in tropical heat.
-I unexpectedly got to watch "Wanted" finally. And it oddly made me think of work and how useless I feel at work. Not that I want to be an assassin or anything, but I was comforted by the fact that I'm not alone in this feeling, even if it was such a juvenile (but enjoyable!) movie.
-I skyped with my parents while we were there and got to show them around the house. They even said hello to Ben's parents!
SIDE NOTE: We won the lottery and saw Shrek before we left! It was super cute. Check the soundtrack to the right.
-I had never been to Hawaii before. Being an island girl myself, I was excited to see a new one. It was weird having coconut trees in the backyard of the house and something we call calachuchi trees in the front yard of someone else's house in the same way it was back in the Philippines. There was also some sleeping grass, which we got video of in action (it closes up when you touch it). There were also a lot of hibiscus bushes around which we call gumamela, the flowers of which you can make bubbles from (that's right, bubbles). There were also these little lizards that used to scare the hell out of me when we lived in the projects, except these ones wouldn't make this ominous clicking sound. It was just so weirdly nostalgic having all that familiar flora and fauna. I didn't expect to be so taken by the smells and sights of it.
-Coming into a new family that's very different than mine is awkward and it will continue to be. BUT this was a lot like a retreat in that the more time you spend with people, the more you just get to know them. I found my eclectic tastes to be of service in connecting with each person. I felt very grateful to be welcomed into the Bloxham family.
-I am back to my normal color. As in I haven't been this tan since...since probably when I was 9 years old before moving to America. I have no idea how long it will take to wear off, but I'm sure gonna enjoy it while it lasts.
-I finally felt comfortable in the ocean again. I think in NY it was really hard to feel safe in the ocean because of the rockiness and the huge waves, but the Pacific is just awesomely familiar and warm, even with the scary waves. Being exposed to it so many times helped me reunite with it.
-It was nice to feel like I was ready to go home by the end of it. Sign of a good vacation is that you love it, but you're also itching to leave by the end.
-I just generally do very well in tropical heat.
-I unexpectedly got to watch "Wanted" finally. And it oddly made me think of work and how useless I feel at work. Not that I want to be an assassin or anything, but I was comforted by the fact that I'm not alone in this feeling, even if it was such a juvenile (but enjoyable!) movie.
-I skyped with my parents while we were there and got to show them around the house. They even said hello to Ben's parents!
SIDE NOTE: We won the lottery and saw Shrek before we left! It was super cute. Check the soundtrack to the right.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Stationary, an old friend
So invites and other paper-related products that I want for this wedding is one of the more exciting parts for me, though turning out to be a lot more expensive than I anticipated...sometimes I think I'm even more excited about it than my dress. Don't ask me why. To cut down costs, we'll be sending out the invite through email to a large amount of the young'ins. Either way though, all invitees will see the fabulous work of Kyo Y (her last name means inside the mountain, just so you know). Of course, I have yet to see this fabulous work, but I'm sure it'll be great! I'm just so super grateful for her services.
I've been seeing pictures from the National Stationary Show on wedding blogs. And turns out Kyo actually went to it yesterday! I'm so very jealous! I don't know, I think I just really love pretty paper. I'm thinking this would be one of my dream alternate careers, owning a stationary store. It would be great to be surrounded by such beauty, yet not necessarily having to create that. As well as facilitating the communication of people.
I used to collect stationary as a girl...sadly enough I had nothing to use it for. I'm not sure what ended up happening to all of it. I think this was the only reason why I wanted a pen pal...and you know, friendship. I started writing letters to my cousin, Jikki, for this reason. I wrote so much to her, that I memorize their address. Who does that nowadays?
I don't remember the last time I actually wrote a letter to someone. I still have the various stamps and real candle wax and "X" seal that I used. I even had one of those feather pen things that you could buy at Barnes and Noble ^_^. I should really try writing more often, then maybe people would start writing me back! It will be a letter-writing revolution!
I just really loved this save the date that I saw on Brooklyn Bride. It's so hilarious to me! So simple, yet communicating exactly what I want.
I've been seeing pictures from the National Stationary Show on wedding blogs. And turns out Kyo actually went to it yesterday! I'm so very jealous! I don't know, I think I just really love pretty paper. I'm thinking this would be one of my dream alternate careers, owning a stationary store. It would be great to be surrounded by such beauty, yet not necessarily having to create that. As well as facilitating the communication of people.
I used to collect stationary as a girl...sadly enough I had nothing to use it for. I'm not sure what ended up happening to all of it. I think this was the only reason why I wanted a pen pal...and you know, friendship. I started writing letters to my cousin, Jikki, for this reason. I wrote so much to her, that I memorize their address. Who does that nowadays?
I don't remember the last time I actually wrote a letter to someone. I still have the various stamps and real candle wax and "X" seal that I used. I even had one of those feather pen things that you could buy at Barnes and Noble ^_^. I should really try writing more often, then maybe people would start writing me back! It will be a letter-writing revolution!
I just really loved this save the date that I saw on Brooklyn Bride. It's so hilarious to me! So simple, yet communicating exactly what I want.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Lala again, and Being a Loner
I cannot believe it is only Tuesday. I'm battling this headache that has seemed to persist throughout yesterday and today. It tends to ebb and flow though.
Apparently it is really easy to embed a song or even an entire playlist from Lala to Blogger. I'm mucho excited at the possibilities. For you RSS readers out there, come to the site to check it out on the side bar.
I just cannot make friends with the young people I work with. As I sometimes do, I walked out with Christine to the mall today, because she was buying her lunch there. I had brought and already eaten my lunch, so this was purely just to chat a bit. Then we sit at a table with other Business Analysts/Senior Business Analysts we know. I'm never exposed to this crowd anymore. I haven't gone to their frequently scheduled happy hours for several months now. Why? Well, because I don't think I've got anything to talk with them about. All they ever do is make fun of each other and tell stories about their bouts of public drunken tom-foolery. I've really got nothing to add to that. The women also forever talk about the random cute guys they meet at bars or other similar venues. I may know all about being needy and desperate, but I've never been around people who have gone so far as to embrace it as what defines who they are. I just thought most people would be ashamed of it. This annoys me to say the least, and I feel like I have nothing in common with any of them.
Sometimes I think I talk to Christine only because she's pilipina, a commonality strong enough for us to talk about random things. Also, maybe because she's been in a relationship so long, she doesn't go on and on and on about boys and relationships. She's also had more experience and may be more mature in terms of work and life in general.
It's just frustrating that I get along better with the 40-something Joel, talking about the rental market in January and interest rates, than with these people my age. At the very least, it makes me feel like a loner everytime I'm forced to hang out with any of them outside of work. I wish work would be more like The Office sometimes. Maybe that's why I don't like watching it.
I guess I'm just not that person who's character, relationships, community, worth, happiness come from work. And that's a good thing.
Apparently it is really easy to embed a song or even an entire playlist from Lala to Blogger. I'm mucho excited at the possibilities. For you RSS readers out there, come to the site to check it out on the side bar.
I just cannot make friends with the young people I work with. As I sometimes do, I walked out with Christine to the mall today, because she was buying her lunch there. I had brought and already eaten my lunch, so this was purely just to chat a bit. Then we sit at a table with other Business Analysts/Senior Business Analysts we know. I'm never exposed to this crowd anymore. I haven't gone to their frequently scheduled happy hours for several months now. Why? Well, because I don't think I've got anything to talk with them about. All they ever do is make fun of each other and tell stories about their bouts of public drunken tom-foolery. I've really got nothing to add to that. The women also forever talk about the random cute guys they meet at bars or other similar venues. I may know all about being needy and desperate, but I've never been around people who have gone so far as to embrace it as what defines who they are. I just thought most people would be ashamed of it. This annoys me to say the least, and I feel like I have nothing in common with any of them.
Sometimes I think I talk to Christine only because she's pilipina, a commonality strong enough for us to talk about random things. Also, maybe because she's been in a relationship so long, she doesn't go on and on and on about boys and relationships. She's also had more experience and may be more mature in terms of work and life in general.
It's just frustrating that I get along better with the 40-something Joel, talking about the rental market in January and interest rates, than with these people my age. At the very least, it makes me feel like a loner everytime I'm forced to hang out with any of them outside of work. I wish work would be more like The Office sometimes. Maybe that's why I don't like watching it.
I guess I'm just not that person who's character, relationships, community, worth, happiness come from work. And that's a good thing.
Monday, May 18, 2009
I wish it was Sunday
I know it's a Monday when I've got a headache looking at a screen all day. Imagine if I was doing actual work! I sincerely never realize where my day goes. Having this 9-hour block of time, unscheduled...it's confusing.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Lala and Idolizing my wedding
So I just signed up for Lala this rival to iTunes, except with a totally different business model and looks to be web-based. You can listen to the entire song once before buying. Also, you can add songs to your collection for 10 cents for unlimited play, and the first 50 are free! You can play it from any browser, which is perfect for me at work! (Until IT gets with it and blocks it). I'm not sure about pricing, but so far "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce is $1.19 and "Rockstar" by Nickelback is $0.79 ^_^. And you can upload all your music onto their site so I could listen to my music at work! Crazy! Of course, like all the newest things, it has a social aspect to it, but I'm assuming I won't have too many friends on there for now.
I've been thinking about shame lately and how that relates to our idols. This wedding is definitely a "near" idol that needs to be destroyed. But I think I never really thought about how insecure we can be with our idols. At least, I've never really applied this thought to my own idol of having the perfect wedding. When we worship anything other than God, we really associate our identity with it. Like if we worship friends or relationships, we morph ourselves to be exactly like our friends just to be cool, neglecting to nurture how God made us uniquely. This is like High School socializing 101! But something in all of us knows, it's not enough for our souls and never will be. So whenever an idol like this is attacked, our very self feels attacked.
Let me apply this to wedding stuff. Whenever someone questions and/or is fairly negative about a decision I made for the wedding, I feel attacked personally. As if that person is not just saying I'm doing everything wrong (which isn't necessarily what they're saying), but I myself am wrong. Beneath this feeling is the feeling of being shamed. Feeling that if my wedding isn't perfect that it's reflective of my shameful self. Why does it shame me? Because it has become my god, I have sacrificed everything for it, and loved it above all things, BUT it does not redeem, love, cherish, protect, strengthen me. It in fact does nothing but give me some human approval, which is rather worthless in the long run. It is not JESUS CHRIST who gave all of Himself for my sins and for the restoration of my beauty and true self, which is something infinitely more valuable and everlasting.
It's taken me awhile to kind of parse through the various feelings and triggers that has been going on the last few weeks. I'm sure there will be more to come. I've been using my control over wedding plans as my savior to try and fight the feelings of shame at the prospect of having a "sub-par" wedding. Really, I must not be like "chaff that the wind blows away" fighting for myself. I must be "like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." This realization took me a lot longer than it should've, but I love how it didn't take me as long as it used to ^_^. God has been so gracious to me.
"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night." - Psalm 1:1-2
I've been thinking about shame lately and how that relates to our idols. This wedding is definitely a "near" idol that needs to be destroyed. But I think I never really thought about how insecure we can be with our idols. At least, I've never really applied this thought to my own idol of having the perfect wedding. When we worship anything other than God, we really associate our identity with it. Like if we worship friends or relationships, we morph ourselves to be exactly like our friends just to be cool, neglecting to nurture how God made us uniquely. This is like High School socializing 101! But something in all of us knows, it's not enough for our souls and never will be. So whenever an idol like this is attacked, our very self feels attacked.
Let me apply this to wedding stuff. Whenever someone questions and/or is fairly negative about a decision I made for the wedding, I feel attacked personally. As if that person is not just saying I'm doing everything wrong (which isn't necessarily what they're saying), but I myself am wrong. Beneath this feeling is the feeling of being shamed. Feeling that if my wedding isn't perfect that it's reflective of my shameful self. Why does it shame me? Because it has become my god, I have sacrificed everything for it, and loved it above all things, BUT it does not redeem, love, cherish, protect, strengthen me. It in fact does nothing but give me some human approval, which is rather worthless in the long run. It is not JESUS CHRIST who gave all of Himself for my sins and for the restoration of my beauty and true self, which is something infinitely more valuable and everlasting.
It's taken me awhile to kind of parse through the various feelings and triggers that has been going on the last few weeks. I'm sure there will be more to come. I've been using my control over wedding plans as my savior to try and fight the feelings of shame at the prospect of having a "sub-par" wedding. Really, I must not be like "chaff that the wind blows away" fighting for myself. I must be "like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." This realization took me a lot longer than it should've, but I love how it didn't take me as long as it used to ^_^. God has been so gracious to me.
"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night." - Psalm 1:1-2
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Rollin' with my homies
While talking to my boss today about possibly needing to turn in status reports tomorrow (because he'll be out), he mentions that some people may start to be rolled off the project, since we've got nothing to build at this point...It's so weird to think I'll actually might leave this cubicle in Jersey City, and might do some actual work in some other busy building, but be in a completely stable job (well...you know, as complete as you can be in this economy). How exciting! I know work isn't always going to be this huge fulfilling thing in my life and that it doesn't have to be, but it's nice to think about the prospect of change on the horizon. I'm really getting quite tired of awkwardly asking if there's anything to do and just getting the "nope, I'm good" answer. I just sit at my desk ruminating about the wedding without a buffer from the anxiety that brings. Anyway, I really like what comes with being a consultant. I see other young people who work for the client, and I marvel at the thought that the other job I was interviewing for was for their type of job. I think I just like knowing that where I'm at isn't the end until I get promoted or something. But my company gives me the much needed stability I need, so that I'm not like out on my own trying to market myself. I can't even imagine!! Somehow, I still like my firm and look forward to growing with it. I can see myself staying there for quite some time. Also, they're rolling out some new business cards that say "Consultant" on them, and I am TOTALLY psyched. God is so gracious, even in the little things (one might say, especially in the little things).
Wedding annoyance of the day: "December 21st...that's a Monday right?" Yes, silly vendor. So give me a cheaper price! What ELSE are you doing that day?
Wedding annoyance of the day: "December 21st...that's a Monday right?" Yes, silly vendor. So give me a cheaper price! What ELSE are you doing that day?
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