NEW!

My new project is definitely miles away (literally and figuratively) from my previous one. I've been doing some real work and real thinking. I'm starting to remember that I did go to business school and that I work in Finance. I'm sharing an office with my manager and a new grad (as we call Business Analysts who just graduated ^_^), and it is surprisingly good and bad in different ways.

Bad:

1. Manager would be able to clearly see everything I do. And there is no way for me to hide, even if I did want him to forget I exist for a little while and not give me work. I have no excuse but to turn around and ask him what I should be doing.

2. Despite a shorter commute (by like 10 minutes..but whatever), I'm required to come in at 8:30am, which is normal in New York finance world. It's cool and all, but the transition is still a little jarring.

3. I'm doing real work and thus am actually feeling really vulnerable and wanting more feedback, because I know I'm displaying my abilities and skills to a Partner (as in he started the company!) and a Managing Director. I can't really tell if I'm disappointing or not, quite yet. I'm actually starting to feel that feeling I used to get in the morning before an exam or something. Not actually fear, maybe more like adrenaline/uneasiness at the things that are not known.

4. The new grad is always asking me what I'm doing, because she also wants to learn from me. It's a bit annoying though, as sometimes I just want to screw around on the Internetz.

5. I don't feel comfortable nesting there the way I did at the previous bank. I haven't brought on the pictures yet.

GOOD!:

1. My manager and the new grad are really funny, and I have surprisingly felt at ease with them most of the time. My manager is A LOT like Jim from "The Office", NO JOKE! It's weird, but I don't notice this until I stop talking to him about the project. The new grad is very talkative and quite a go-getter kind of person. She makes me feel welcome.

2. It's a 50-minute commute to an area that is accessible to a lot of other neighborhoods in the city. I have grown to really appreciate this after Jersey City!!

3. I'm doing real work and thinking really hard about things I should be thinking hard about (not centerpieces, puppies, etc.). This makes me feel like a normal working professional. I also never felt so much like a consultant than in this environment.

4. I no longer feel awkward working with solely middle-aged, cynical, self-deprecating, old school, Finance men with whom I never really knew how to have a normal conversation with (except Joel, who I miss dearly <_>).

This project goes on for at least another month, and then we don't know what comes next. I could be onto another project again. Anyway, if you don't hear from me, you'll know why!

Wedding Blogs and Moving Sites

I kind of really appreciated this post. I felt pretty similarly when I found out the ginormous amount of information there is on the internet when it comes to wedding planning. I've gotten to a point where I just want to like what I like and I'm sticking to it. What's worse is not a lot of the weddings or ideas I see are really plausible nor desire-able for Ben and me. It's definitely an art to just enjoy the beauty and not be overwhelmed by it.

Today is my last day at this client site. I almost can't believe that I'm not coming back here...maybe ever. It's both rather exciting and alarming at the same time. I almost got a beta fish, I've been here so long. It's a good thing I didn't!

It'll be a week or so until I find out for sure if I'm going to this other bank which is located in the World Financial Center. I think it still takes about an hour to get there, but the change in commute (which will be cheaper because I don't have to take the PATH!) is welcomed. I also look forward to being downtown again. It has been years since I worked down there. It's also a Japanese bank, and I look forward to experiencing another kind of corporate culture. This French bank I'm in now is sooo different from American banks, it's kind of really cool. I could write a paper on this.

Meanwhile, I'll be at our Times Square headquarters doing God knows what. I hope to be as helpful as possible with our internal projects. At the same time, I'd really like to get some short days or working from home days. Then I can finally fix the registration of my car!

Preparing for Marriage

I've been noticing something in me that I find rather disgusting. I've been judging every person I ever look at or even think of. I'm not sure how long this has been going on, or why I'm even so aware of it now (probs the Holy Spirit), but I've just felt really stupid about it lately. I see so many people in one day, just by virtue of taking public transit. And I literally form judgments about a person's character and personality just by looking them up and down. I think I did start noticing this when I started just looking at people's various engagement/wedding rings and thinking about what I would want for myself. I realized that the judgments I made on the ring's beauty and size suddenly transferred to what I thought about the person...without even talking to them.

And why am I doing this? Why such self-righteousness? It's because I'm not accessing the free love, grace, and mercy of the Lord. The hardest thing about living the Christian life, is the repetitive nature of repentence. God's love is so powerful as to demand all of me. But when I don't fully grasp the glory of the Gospel, I suddenly have no idea about my acceptance and full assurance in Jesus. The very way I live my life is affected. I literally can't love as much, nor serve as much, and accept as much. I must feel better about myself by putting people down. Again and again, I need to remember and marinate in the truth that I am robed in the righteousness of Jesus. I am, in fact, one with Him. I abide in Him and He remains in me.

It's been cool that these thoughts have been prompted by the whole process of preparing for marriage. The parallels of increasing oneness with Ben and increasing realization of God's actual oneness with me has been cool and scary to see. Ok, so maybe Ben was that person I'd been thinking about and praying for all my life, that person I'm actually gonna marry. But God has always been in my life, whether I like it or not, whether I paid attention or not. He has always been my husband, I have always been saved. My salvation was never dependent on how wise I am or how much I obeyed or even how much I believe, it depended on God. Much like Gomer, it doesn't matter how much she had done, she was still Hosea's wife. So for all time and eternity, Jesus has already clothed me with his wealth, glory, and honor. I've never done anything without His help.

It's a little scary to think about how marriage is a model like this that was created by God. That no matter how ugly your spouse gets, how demeaning their spirit may become, or even how terrible a parent they end up being, it is your job to stick it out and make them better, even if it costs you terribly. That is God's way of loving us after all, and if we can't even love the one person we're supposed to love in this way, how can we ever serve the poor and the marginalized (that's a Mike Mason paraphrase btw)? The simplicity of marriage, you're given one person to love above any other human being, including yourself. That's it! How difficult, but man, how beautiful! God is a genius.

Cha-cha-cha-changes

There's this new management structure that's being implemented in my company, and I'm meeting with my new managers today. I'm kind of excited, kind of dreading. I think I just don't like feeling so vulnerable about work stuff when it has nothing to do with counseling ^_^. But I think it's gonna be great overall and nothing to really worry about. My managers are great guys who've I've talked to candidly about a great many things. If anything, I might be able to voice things that I haven't been able to before, or just don't know how to. It's what's great about having a younger, smaller company I guess. Maybe I feel lost out there without structure, but the informality of it all really helps me feel secure in my relationships with work people...well, at least the management. I always was the type to have friends older than me.

My project has ended, and it's my last week here at the client. I can hardly believe it. My first and only project. It's more normal to have 3-4 projects a year, and yet here I've been at the same desk. It's weird. I always knew I would eventually leave, but there's a weird sensation that's similar to when you quit or lose your job (though Thank the Lord Almighty, I have yet to experience the latter). I've been taking stuff home slowly, the high-heel shoes, the umbrella I found on the subway, the newspapers I saved from the election, inauguration, and when Lehman collapsed...And all these pictures of friends and family. I also put down some stickies with the Scripture that meant the most to me in one of the most major transitions of my life. The pack rat in me wants to keep it all, but I think I'll be throwing stuff away more than not. I really nested here too. Most consultants have such a bare desk, you could hardly guess that it's being used. I guess I'm just different like that.

A part of me is relieved to have an excuse to do nothing. As in, it is valid that I have nothing to do because I haven't been given an assignment yet. My hope is that I might not need to come into the offices at all and "work from home", even just for a little while. What a gift that becomes when you start working. Even when I do save up my days and have a long vacation, there's just something about not having to wake up at 6am on a weekday and to nap in the middle of the afternoon. I may not have been busy at my job, but it's not the same as staying home and not coming in at all or not staring at a screen all day.

I think that's what I really like about my job. I always know that I'm eventually gonna leave wherever I'm at, but enjoy the relative stability of being a salaried worker. Who knew being a consultant would be so appropriate for me.

We are the weird ones

One of the annoying things about weddings/marriage is that most people have an opinion about it, and anyone who hears you're getting married suddenly wants to give you unwanted advice. This is way different than friends giving you an opinion, as that's completely normal and welcome, this is when random people, just because they think you're young and naive, just start telling you what you have to/should do. Boundaries, people, BOUNDARIES!

Unfortunately, I think Ben gets this stuff a lot more than me, not quite sure why (probably because I don't go to happy hour and you wouldn't normally talk about this in a corporate environment). The most annoying thing that keeps coming up since we graduated is, "Why don't you live together?" We've obviously been serious and all the more now that we're engaged (teehee understatement), so people generally just think, well, hey, you live an hour away from each other(!), why not just move in? I think what makes it most annoying is that if it really were that easy, then of course we would. But life ain't about being easy, it's about serving God, the Church, and those outside the Church. But again and again, we run into people who are surprised to find us "inconveniencing" ourselves, and the assumptions behind all assumptions is that we're in love and so we should do whatever we want. Get married, don't get married, move in together, don't move in if it's not convenient, have kids, don't have kids (ever), join your accounts or not, but above all else, of course you should definitely have sex. In fact, no sex is actually bad for you and just not healthy. You know what, we ARE in love, but we're not married yet and you don't really understand what love is if you think it means doing whatever you want or whatever "feels right". I think people who don't have a Biblical view of why we have marriage (and by that virtue dating) at all are just making stuff up, dependent on whatever is cool for our culture today.

I guess what's most annoying of all is that it wouldn't be such an issue if we didn't live in a city. It's just SO weird to find SO many people SO surprised as if we're the weird ones. These are all casual encounters btw, no one like that we're having a yelling match with or having weird conflict with because of it. It would just be nice to meet someone, for once, to meet someone who doesn't assume we're like the average engaged people in New York City. That when we say December won't say, "Wow! Of this year!" Or when they ask if we're moving in won't say "You should just do that now! It's so much easier!" Just so many unwanted opinions!

Jewelry and Coney Island

I just wanna say that if you're looking for any sort of real, good, reasonably priced jewelry in NYC, go to David S Diamonds. Ravin, the guy Ben got my ring from, is such an amiable person, and is just so surprisingly great to deal with. You just don't feel hustled, which is rare for me nowadays as I need to put my gameface on whenever I'm dealing with a wedding purchase of some sort. Even if it's just talking myself down. Anyway, just ask me if you have that kind of need.

This last week has been so surprisingly social. It never ceases to amaze me the randomness of what dictates how busy you are at any given point in time when there aren't any structures to your time (like semester, quarter, finals, etc.).

Ben and I took my cousins to Coney Island yesterday. It was all our first time there, so it was very interesting. I think the beach there is actually better than Rockaway...though more crowded. The 4 of us squeezed onto my beach towel and even laid out a little. The facilities and the food were better too...thinking I'm definitely going back this summer!

Calling and Wedding Tidbits

So apparently, Mike Mason added an extra chapter to "The Mystery of Marriage" when he was 10 years into marriage. The original book was from his musings during engagement and it became a book the year after. How does someone know so much about marriage being so new to it? I really wouldn't know.

This is from a parable he quotes in the new chapter:

"Looking back, I can see that before then, in spite of having a lover and all, really I was still behaving pretty much like my own person: single, autonomous, marching to a private drum. And expecting Christopher just to tag along! It was almost as though I were the only person on earth, lost in my own little dream world. But ever since that mysterious transaction at the altar, like it or not I've found myself living not my own life but Christopher's: doing Christopher's work, thinking Christopher's thoughts, getting used to Christopher's body as being my own body, and trying, however clumsily, to do all things just the way Christopher wants them done. And since there is legally only one living person now in place of two, I even took his full name, first and last, as my own: Christopher Rainbow."

It's interesting how much it pinpoints how people are prone to use one another. We are prone to like what we like, and just like the people who like that same thing. In fact, according to C.S. Lewis, that is the definition of friendship.

I'm not gonna lie, the call of being a wife is kind of scary. To live as if I'm not living my own selfish life, a life I've been used to living until now. Because when you start using your husband for your own agenda and desires, then it is to your downfall, because you are ONE. Whatever you do to him, you do to yourself.

Wedding Planning status (in case you wanna know):
-Guest List is pretty much finalized. Woot!!!

-We've figured out our Save-the-Dates with the wonderful, fabulous, and brave Kyo (this woman is doing 3 weddings, in one of which she's a maid of honor!, oh brave, brave soul). I'm so extremely happy with how it turned out. And I'm so extremely happy that I can look at other people's with full on glee, without feeling like I'm supposed to look at it and see what I like about it. I just really like these kinds of things, as previously mentioned.

-We have begun the registering process, complete with registering needs checklist. I always enjoy shopping with Benny, so it should be a fun experience.

-Contemplating a DIY centerpiece involving candles on a dish with wedding flowers strewn on. Should be $100-$200 cheaper. AND the bridesmaids would have actual bouqets (though small ones...and also DIY, including mine...which I'm not sure we know how to do yet with orchids). Hmm...

-I keep seeing other wedding dresses and get a tinge of fear and doubt that I chose the wrong one....which is pretty ridiculous, because it's absolutely beautiful and in my price range, but it's the tension that comes with making a decision early, and the fact that I can't look at it. I keep telling myself, "You wear it for one day, you wear it for one day." I must amuse myself with thinking of options for a coat or something to keep warm!

-Blue Nile and Amazon have pretty affordable wedding rings, but I wonder if it's safe to buy online...But I know the whole reason why they're cheaper is they pay way less overhead...I usually wouldn't be so apprehensive, but jewelry is just something I don't know much about.

Pricing

One wedding decision annoyance is not knowing what a fair price is. Everything is super-bloated in the wedding industry. I hate it that when something is within my budget, I can't really tell if it's a fair price or just that I'm over-budgeting. Imperfect information sharing just leads to inefficient markets. And I think the problem is that there is a ridiculous range of prices you could pay for any single item.

Related to pricing is how annoying it is that even when you DIY, it's not necessarily cheaper. It can be, in fact, more expensive. Example? Makeup. I don't really wear makeup, but if I did that myself it would probably cost me more money than if I used a professional to do it for me the day of, plus I would not be stuck with makeup that I'm not really gonna use. Also, there's the worrying about having it done well. I COULD do the centerpieces myself, go and buy some orchids on Sunday and put them together, but I'd be so stressed out already, and it would be one more thing I have to do that Sunday. There's something about just paying to get it done that is so appealing...though more expensive. I just wish I knew a florist and a hair and makeup person who wouldn't have to charge me an arm and a leg. Networking fail!

Into Week 7 of Engagment

Believe it or not, I think today was the first day I actually thought that I wish this wedding stuff was all over already. I wished MANY times that all the decisions, decisions, decisions, and the bills that go with those things would be over, but I oddly enough hadn't felt the rush to be actually married and to actually have the wedding. It's curious how challenging marriage really looks when it's staring you down, even in the best of times.

I don't think I'm necessarily much better equiped now than I was in Week 1 for marriage. I think I'm just getting tired of having these "To-do's" 2-6 months in advance. Some of which are really major like finding an affordable 1 bedroom in Manhattan...which I've never had to worry about! I'm surprisingly not the kind of person who likes actual lists of things to-do written out. I usually remember what I need to do. If I know I won't remember what I need to do, then I make special effort to write it down...and then end up just remembering better since I wrote it down. Generally, I've relied on my memory for these kinds of things. This is what makes me hate planning/anticipating big, obnoxious, life-changing events. I like to know EVERYTHING about everything, but that's a little impossible to do! Things like a wedding have so many moving parts and tiny details, kind of representative with how big a deal it is. I just really want to go to all the vendors and book them, and make all these things, and talk with all these people, and buy all these things, I've already decided on...but I know how weird that would be to do at this point in time.

Whenever someone asks about my plans and I tell them all about the things we've already done, I sometimes get a "Wow, you're so organized!" I wanna say, "No, it's more like I'm crazy!".

However, I'm finding that just like anything in this adult life, transitioning is gonna take time. I've been grateful for this time so far. Ben and I absolutely need that time. But when I see a deal on bubble blowers on the Knot and realize that I probably shouldn't buy it because I'll have 6 month old bubble solution at my wedding and I must stop myself from making my decision final...it's just so frustrating and representative of the larger reality of engagement being a holding station. True, a holding station made by God where much growth will happen, but a holding station nonetheless.

My First Bloxham Family Vacation

I'm gonna make an effort and write a few key things about the trip. I'm having issues with the Facebook uploader thing, so hopefully Picasa won't let me down, the slideshow is below!

-I had never been to Hawaii before. Being an island girl myself, I was excited to see a new one. It was weird having coconut trees in the backyard of the house and something we call calachuchi trees in the front yard of someone else's house in the same way it was back in the Philippines. There was also some sleeping grass, which we got video of in action (it closes up when you touch it). There were also a lot of hibiscus bushes around which we call gumamela, the flowers of which you can make bubbles from (that's right, bubbles). There were also these little lizards that used to scare the hell out of me when we lived in the projects, except these ones wouldn't make this ominous clicking sound. It was just so weirdly nostalgic having all that familiar flora and fauna. I didn't expect to be so taken by the smells and sights of it.

-Coming into a new family that's very different than mine is awkward and it will continue to be. BUT this was a lot like a retreat in that the more time you spend with people, the more you just get to know them. I found my eclectic tastes to be of service in connecting with each person. I felt very grateful to be welcomed into the Bloxham family.

-I am back to my normal color. As in I haven't been this tan since...since probably when I was 9 years old before moving to America. I have no idea how long it will take to wear off, but I'm sure gonna enjoy it while it lasts.

-I finally felt comfortable in the ocean again. I think in NY it was really hard to feel safe in the ocean because of the rockiness and the huge waves, but the Pacific is just awesomely familiar and warm, even with the scary waves. Being exposed to it so many times helped me reunite with it.

-It was nice to feel like I was ready to go home by the end of it. Sign of a good vacation is that you love it, but you're also itching to leave by the end.

-I just generally do very well in tropical heat.

-I unexpectedly got to watch "Wanted" finally. And it oddly made me think of work and how useless I feel at work. Not that I want to be an assassin or anything, but I was comforted by the fact that I'm not alone in this feeling, even if it was such a juvenile (but enjoyable!) movie.

-I skyped with my parents while we were there and got to show them around the house. They even said hello to Ben's parents!



SIDE NOTE: We won the lottery and saw Shrek before we left! It was super cute. Check the soundtrack to the right.