On Friends and Happiness

First day back at work after a longer, less routine weekend is always really hard. Especially when I slept so weirdly. My brain/head is not liking me right now.

So I really can't believe I saw friends everyday this past weekend. In working life, it's really hard to have the energy and zeal I once was able to give to my friendships, most especially since I'm more of a one-on-one deep conversation type of gal. That's rough when you just want to let loose and have fun when you're not wearing a suit, or maybe you just want to wear jammies all day knitting at home. No more lunch dates, afternoon siestas, or late into the night sleepovers. It's one of those pieces of the transition that I definitely prepared myself for (made easier when the majority of the people I did these things with left the city before my Senior year). But it then makes me so grateful when I'm able to hang out with people in a big group, and I'm comfortable with everyone involved. It's such a blessing for an introvert with acute social anxiety to feel socially comfortable. I'm really impressed when plans end up actually happening, considering the city, individual schedules, individual temperaments toward planning (a majority of my friends are now Perceivers, in high school ALL my friends were Judgers....how did that happen?!?), and the emphasis on individuality in general.

We went to Amy Ruth's, this restaurant in Harlem known for their chicken and waffles (yes, together). Below is a picture that Sunday (Dan T's friend) took of us with his BBerry...I changed his life teaching him all about the Google apps he can use on it. Also, if you look at the picture slideshow, the first picture is of Ben and a fish in an aquarium at Red Lobster. It was sooooo cute because it came right up to us when we waved at it, then it looked directly at the camera when I took a picture. INSANE!

There was a lot to like about Obama's inaugural speech. But I think the thing I caught on to was what he said about needing to know ourselves before we could take on a challenge. Reminded me a lot of the need for repentance/rejoicing. I've had a lot of freak outs at this particular season in my life, but I find a lot of progress in the fact that I can actually think through it. I've been able to take a deep breath and actually take stock of where something is coming from or what am I actually reacting to. I would say, most of the time the answer lies in me not trusting Jesus. Not trusting that He is who He says He is. Obama talked about how Americans have the same creativity and productive force that it had last week, last month, last year. The Holy Trinity has been the same even before time began and forever and ever. And the Bible says I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So when I lose sight of Christ, so goes my self-assurance, my self-awareness, and my true self.

I meant to write about this last week, but it's been great to marinate over its themes on top of everything else that life has brought in the last few days. Like a tree drinking from the living water. A while ago, (I think like my Junior year), Ben told me about this sermon by Jonathan Edwards on Christian Happiness. He wrote it when he was like super young, as a teenager or something. I think I would say it has one of the most important messages a young, American Christian needs to hear. The thesis includes the three reasons why every Christian should be happy: "First, because no worldly evils can do him any real hurt; secondly, because of those advantages spiritual joys and satisfactions, he enjoys while here; and thirdly, more especially from the joyful hope and certain expectation, of the enjoyment of the perfection of happiness, eternally, hereafter." I don't think I can truly expound further, only because I haven't even finished it, but it's almost like, you don't have to if you're a Christian. You know this! If you love God, then you know God loved you first, you know nothing can truly hurt you, you know we can enjoy the most powerful and intimate relationship any human being can have in this world, you know that absolutely EVERYTHING will be perfect and MEANINGFUL in the end (from that toe nail that doesn't look right, to that friendship that devastated and failed you).

It's funny reading through it because it's like Edwards is just brimming with glee, talking about happiness. He just keeps going on and on about it. It leaves me feeling the conviction of not thinking about it all the time and giving into despair, at the same time empowering me to be the child of God I don't deserve to be, but through His sacrifice, truly am.

Sigh of Relief and Joy

I just went through my year-end review with my boss-boss (as I refer to a senior manager who doesn't really directly manage me). Someone got promoted today...ME! Well, it's just a title change up to the next level Business Analyst II, nothing too major (business cards aren't changing, and just more assignments in the future), but I'm super glad that I've been meeting expectations at work even exceeding them at some points...since these have been murky at best. Apparently, I'm doing pretty well, and I love the people I work with. I kinda lucked out in terms of project assignments.

Allow me to write about this one guy. Joel is Jewish and has a wife and kids and lives in Brooklyn. He leaves early on Fridays so that he can get home by sunset. His wife probably calls him at minimum 5 times a day. I know because he has a normal ringtone on his cell phone and I can hear his wife yelling (or that's really just how she talks) in that Brooklyn accent even from over the cubicle wall. I can also hear when his children are on the phone, so really I think he just sets his volume too high. He answers his phone EVERY TIME, like for real EVERY TIME it rings. He could be on the phone with someone else or even talking to a client, or in someone else's office and he freaking answers that phone even just to say "I gotta call you back" and immediately hanging up. He rarely brings his phone to meetings, but if it's a meeting with just our immediate team, he accidently brings it sometimes and he ANSWERS it! Not to mention, this dude is really freaking smart. He sits right by me and I ask him questions over the wall all the time. Sometimes project related, sometimes just random. I've definitely asked him "When are you doing your taxes?", "Is my tax allowance too low?", "How do I open a Roth IRA?", "What's going on with the market?", "What's the difference between client side and firm side rebates?" and he's given me detailed answers and took the time to tell me everything, even freaking offered to look over my tax return. I've even asked him "Why are you coming in on Monday?" and he doesn't just shrug me off, he gives a full explanation like I'm a normal human being...a lot of people don't do this, or don't give me a feeling that it's safe for me to ask them questions. All of these questions are out of the blue and totally spontaneous, btw. Anyway, this man is definitely not perfect, but I'm a big fan.

Btw, I really think A.O. Scott is a genius. Look at this review on the new Biggie Smalls movie "Notorious" partly produced by P. Diddy and Biggie Smalls's mom. I just love it: "'We can’t change the world unless we change ourselves.' That line occurs twice in 'Notorious,' and it’s not entirely clear what is meant, other than that the characters aspire to be better as well as richer and more famous. At times the movie seems to lump all those things together, to imply that celebrity, money, clothes and boundless sexual opportunity are not just the rewards reaped by talent but also visible signs of righteousness." Man, who write like that about a rapper movie? I like him becuase he sincerely has no boundaries in terms of reviewing films. He'll review things as stupid as Superbad and as frou-frou as Benjamin Button. What I find interesting about reading reviews in the NY times is that I more often just enjoy the critique more than I would probably enjoy the movie. I think it inspires me to strive to see the beautiful nuance within the work, whether it was intended or not. Kinda like it's acknowledging a work of a sovereign Creator instead of the individual director or actor or whomever.

I'm stuck

I think I'm in real need of having something to look forward to. I'm getting real antsy sitting here at work, not really knowing what to do with myself. I'm like in this space where I feel like nothing matters or is important. Routines can be so comforting yet I feel imprisoned by how normal everything is. How matter-of-fact.

Not that I want to be surprised, but I need to build in more spontaneity in my life...at least during the week. I don't know what that means though. Just generally feeling the pinch of all this responsible, sterile, predictable living. "Dry, yeastless factuality". I'm sure my attitude will change fairly soon, but that's really all I can think of writing about. This blah.

Smart Investing

So I borrowed this book from the library called The Smartest Investment Book You'll Ever Read by Daniel R. Solin. And I've been having lots of fun with it today. It's cool because I do know a bunch of things from school which allows me to skip around this book. He spends lots of time trying to convince you of the data behind what he's saying, but being that I've actually read the academic studies wigged out with all those formulas (even used them as a source in papers I wrote), I don't need no convincing. He doesn't outline them in this book, instead he refers to them plainly and it's a very easy read, even for people who have no idea what investing is about. It's only 152 pages or so (not including the appendix stuff, which isn't really necessary).

His main thesis is that you don't need a broker, because historically fund managers haven't done any better than randomly picking stock. Yes, it's true. Sure a manager can manage to "beat the market" for a few years straight, but the average overall return is usually no better...sometimes worse than the market.

So, I went ahead and bought my first ETF into my Roth, VTI (Vanguard Total Stock Market ETF). It's a really small purchase, considering my little bundle, but I got excited to really find out how it would work. I used to work in the Ops division of this securities firm and would process all these confirms for trades matching them with the ticket the trader filled out...it's kind of weird to know that somewhere out there, an employee is doing the same thing for my dinky trade (well, it was probably bundled up with others). Probably won't be trading again anytime soon though, because I realized it's not worth the trade commission until I've got more volume. I also busied myself comparing expense ratios of similar funds and ETFs in a spreadsheet. For anyone who's interested in knowing (I had fun ^_^):

Looks like Vanguard has the cheapest ETFs, and I ain't rich enough for the funds. Anyway, just thought I'd share!

Fear

Maybe you can tell, but I'm really starting to get writer's block on this thing. Much like any blogger, there are numerous points in my life when I think, Ooo this would be interesting to write about. But I've started putting this thing until the end of the day (unlike all the other times when I usually get on it or even keep it open for hours adding tidbits here and there), then all of the sudden I don't know what to say. Not that I'm not thinking about anything...in fact I think about A LOT. I think I've started to be overly critical of my content, too aware of the audience.

Here's a real thought. I've constantly come up to a fear at work that I'm not brilliant or creative enough to be here. I can be flexible enough rolling with the punches (you could almost describe my entire life up to this point as doing that), but I don't know if I've ever been the type of person who takes the lemons and makes 100 different kinds of lemonade. Really, it's being faced with the truth that I'm young and inexperienced and totally unable to see the larger picture, even when it matters. I add that clause because I think I've been operating under the assumption that if it really mattered, I would totally be able to do whatever I needed to do and see everything clearly and understand how everything works and do everything right. That's just not true, because I'm not perfect and my gifts are not perfect just because they're my gifts, my "strengths". It's perfectly possible for people's strengths to be sub-par, in fact everyone's is if you believe the Bible. That's a scary thought. It's scary because I rely a lot on what I can do, and not what Jesus does. My emotions and mood are caged in a prison of my own making. Unable to freely feel good, love, happy, joy. In general, I love having a huge capacity to feel deeply, but at times it really does make me feel like a freak when I can't separate it out of myself in order to function healthily. At least until I can sort it out in prayer.

Micro-blog

God only knows how I decide what to write about. Sometimes I'm my complete, natural self and I can ignore that little voice in my head that speaks of...I don't know propriety I guess. Something like that. Of course sometimes, I filter quite a bit or write about something innocuous. Much like today...

WORK!

Man, I've been working...it's so weird to think so critically about numbers and Microsoft Office Suite applications again. You gotta give props to Stern, because group projects felt exactly like this. Only now I don't have to worry about homework from other classes. This project is my only class of the day and it lasts for 9 hours. This is when nerdy quotes kind of come up like, "When all else fails...there's Auto Filter." Indeed.

Although, I do have to worry about accuracy...because if it's wrong I'm not to blame, my supervisor is.

PF Blogs and Prayer (Unequal pastimes)

I'm slowly easing my way into "normal" life. I started reading Google Reader in earnest today...and it was weird slowly getting sucked into the finance blogs and my curiosity again diverting my attention to such topics. It's tax season, and that adds all sorts of curiosity on my part...I really don't know much about taxes, and I wish I did. Sometimes I really wish I didn't listen to my mother and just did Accounting as my double-major. Oddly enough, it would've really helped for what I'm working on now...then again, I probably would've focused too much on being an accountant, which would not have led me to where I am today.

So mainly right now, I'm trying to focus on not being overwhelmed. This involves a lot of making myself busy and prayer. More prayer probably is needed. I really wish I could pray more and often and with other people and for other people and other people for me. It's a weird sensation thinking that possibly no one is praying for me...it's not true I'm sure, and a bit of a self-centered thought at best, but I really feel like people praying for me has this supernatural power in my life (as it should) that I can almost feel sometimes. I feel so alone without it. You can never hang out with me, never call me, never hug me, but the thought of someone praying for me, that really makes me feel loved. My great grandmother is an example of this. She's passed away now, but she used to have list of all her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren (which are A LOT) and do a rosary for each one of us regularly. Even in my darkest times, somehow I would imagine her doing this and think, wow, someone cares. I hadn't seen her since I was 6 years old or something, but it mattered a lot to me that she was doing that.

But then I rarely really pray for anyone, unless I know they're going through something or they ask for it...that's just really lame.

Oopsy

Whoa, I can't believe it! I was in the middle of this long post and then it disappeared! It actually happened to me!

Soooo sad, because honestly, I don't think I'm in the mood to repeat all that...AH SAD!

Anyway, here's a video just so I have some content.

Processing the First Big Girl Vacation

Being that I only go home once a year, it always amazes me how different each visit has been since it wasn't "home" anymore and where it leaves me. Home has been ever-changing...and it makes me wonder if it was always like that when I lived there, or was my leaving some sort of catalyst and home was finding it's identity as I was in college. Empty nesters can be quite radical in their changes. I'd like to think the changes my parents have been making have largely been for the better (as it is for me). Some people don't want home to change (I think this is largely my brother's position), but for me, I think I like change. Especially when it's in a place where so much of my former self was not who I was supposed to be. My bedroom being nowhere near it's former state, the boxes in the garage dwindling to 1 box, it all somehow helps me to grow. The only thing that's important and good is still there, family.

Also, because I never really leave NY, I rarely get asked this question anymore, but I heard it twice this vacation. It's some variation or other of "So you like NY?" or "Do you think you'll live there permanently?" You can almost hear the veiled wonder and/or disgust. I told my mom I like NY because it forces me to deal with people, and what's so infuriating about cities like LA is that it's not like a city at all. It's a flat landscape of boxes. House boxes and car boxes that keep people from bumping into each other (yes, like what the Crash movie is all about). NY forces me to deal with people that are very different than me...yes, of course, you can avoid it, but not for very long, not like in the suburbs where you can really avoid it forever. No, I don't think I'll necessarily live here permanently, but there's gotta be a good reason for me to leave.

Something else that's interesting is I always go home around year-end. So together with all the things you gotta do anyway when you get back from a long vacation: getting groceries, unpacking/doing laundry, re-setting the unplugged alarm clock, take stock of what the roommates have moved around, mail/bills etc. there's all these other little things I do like renewing my budget for the year, putting together tax paper work, making sure my benefits are in effect, calendar transfer etc. It's like an extra point of rejuvination, not only did I Sabbath like whoa, but I also get to restart everything I do.

And this new year has been different than any other, because it really does feel like a NEW YEAR. Before, I always thought new year felt like a cheat being in the middle of the school year which really took over how I looked at a year. But 2009 is a whole year unto itself! No more thinking about 2009-2010 kind of years. And even weirder, I have little clue as to what will happen this year. There are a couple things planned here and there, but there are few markers to grasp a hold of and say "Yes, that is now over and I am moving on to the next thing"...except the next New Year.



After all that, here's a picture of my Boris. Even he had somewhat changed and matured.


That's my baby!