Fear

Maybe you can tell, but I'm really starting to get writer's block on this thing. Much like any blogger, there are numerous points in my life when I think, Ooo this would be interesting to write about. But I've started putting this thing until the end of the day (unlike all the other times when I usually get on it or even keep it open for hours adding tidbits here and there), then all of the sudden I don't know what to say. Not that I'm not thinking about anything...in fact I think about A LOT. I think I've started to be overly critical of my content, too aware of the audience.

Here's a real thought. I've constantly come up to a fear at work that I'm not brilliant or creative enough to be here. I can be flexible enough rolling with the punches (you could almost describe my entire life up to this point as doing that), but I don't know if I've ever been the type of person who takes the lemons and makes 100 different kinds of lemonade. Really, it's being faced with the truth that I'm young and inexperienced and totally unable to see the larger picture, even when it matters. I add that clause because I think I've been operating under the assumption that if it really mattered, I would totally be able to do whatever I needed to do and see everything clearly and understand how everything works and do everything right. That's just not true, because I'm not perfect and my gifts are not perfect just because they're my gifts, my "strengths". It's perfectly possible for people's strengths to be sub-par, in fact everyone's is if you believe the Bible. That's a scary thought. It's scary because I rely a lot on what I can do, and not what Jesus does. My emotions and mood are caged in a prison of my own making. Unable to freely feel good, love, happy, joy. In general, I love having a huge capacity to feel deeply, but at times it really does make me feel like a freak when I can't separate it out of myself in order to function healthily. At least until I can sort it out in prayer.