For one reason or another, I hadn't been listening to my iPod while commuting. This past weekend I did that Autofill thing on my Shuffle to get some new songs in there. It had the most uncanny timing this morning.
After I read Spurgeon's morning meditation on the train. I put on the iPod and it was some really good David Crowder which I haven't listened to in awhile. And as I was getting out of my last train and surfacing to the ground, The Northern's "All The Greatest Things" came up, which was really surprising since I really haven't listened to them in months and months. Made crossing the street toward the skyscraper I work in suddenly very dramatic. I forgot this was in there but what struck me today was this line: "We are fruitless fig trees..." Dave puts it in there real quick, but it meant a lot to hear it today.
I've been really feeling useless and fruitless at work. It seems this is the ongoing struggle of this season in my life. My degree, my intelligence, my spiritual depth, my social skills, my insight, all of it is counted as loss, and all of the sudden no one cares what Xaris is doing all day. At school, people would at least judge you for not working hard, but now, they don't even care to know. It's this feeling of continually moving forward in wide steps and growing and changing and maturing and learning, while essentially being exactly where I was 9 months ago. Teehee like a baby! What if I'm never born? I feel so held back. Like I'm stuck in this womb and God won't let me out until His time. It's draining to do nothing with yourself, hoping you're not being foolish. Like you're not doing what you were meant to do. It's kind of like what Jesus says about the fig tree. If it's fruitless, it might as well be dead.
But the greatest truths I've known have been absurd. And as Jesus brings judgment on this tree, he takes the punishment on Himself. He violently tears Himself to pieces for the love of the fruitless. This infinite life-giving fruitful tree does this for me the death-deserving fruitless tree. My complaints are silenced at this thought. I can only be justified by this faith and trust that I am sanctified in this period of angst and waiting.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Morning in the City
My cousin, Josh, has been staying with me the last couple days. I just wanna express how weird it is to wake up with someone else in my room (not like a hotel room or whatever where I'm expecting to wake up next to my brother or a friend, MY room). I realize I'm not really used to sharing a room, because I never had to. Though I am used to sleeping with another person beside me, because I slept in my parents' bed until I was 9 years old and now I compensate by having pillows galore. Just an observation.
Point is, I've not had my ordinary mornings with WQXR waking me up as my alarm or listening to NPR while I dress. In fact, I think I really am incredibly less informed. Anyway, so I try to keep it quiet in my room as I putter about for my things. And then I heard construction going on the empty lot two doors down from us. And I oddly found that comforting and like "Yes, it is morning!" Then I also heard this truck roll by in front of our place and felt the same things. As if it was comforting to know that the world was awake with me, and I don't need to resent being up this early.
I also thought about how city sounds aren't weird to me. That I actually grew up in the city (Quezon City, Philippines) and did not encounter the suburbs until we moved to Arizona. I was used to public transportation and taxis and crowds and pollution. I thought that was normal. And I didn't even make this connection until about a year ago, that this is why I immediately felt at home in this city. There was a transition, for sure, but I never really had the thought of wanting to live in the suburbs again really. Except for those "the grass is greener..." moments.
Point is, I've not had my ordinary mornings with WQXR waking me up as my alarm or listening to NPR while I dress. In fact, I think I really am incredibly less informed. Anyway, so I try to keep it quiet in my room as I putter about for my things. And then I heard construction going on the empty lot two doors down from us. And I oddly found that comforting and like "Yes, it is morning!" Then I also heard this truck roll by in front of our place and felt the same things. As if it was comforting to know that the world was awake with me, and I don't need to resent being up this early.
I also thought about how city sounds aren't weird to me. That I actually grew up in the city (Quezon City, Philippines) and did not encounter the suburbs until we moved to Arizona. I was used to public transportation and taxis and crowds and pollution. I thought that was normal. And I didn't even make this connection until about a year ago, that this is why I immediately felt at home in this city. There was a transition, for sure, but I never really had the thought of wanting to live in the suburbs again really. Except for those "the grass is greener..." moments.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Buying things
So Ramit Sethi has his new book out today and I've been reading the excerpts he's so nicely posted. I told myself that I wouldn't buy this book, (since I rarely buy books and I usually go to the library), but these excerpts are making it tempting. If anything I will buy it used and not for the full price just to make myself feel better.
Speaking of discounts, I finally went to Woodbury with Grace!!
First, Woodbury was just more amazing than I thought. I really only went because I heard that the Brooks Brothers shirts that are normally $85 are $60 there (these shirts last forever and are non-iron and fit me really well). But I was just astonished at how good most of the deals were. I saved about $237 or about a weighted savings rate of 51%, as compared to prices I found online. And the gas we used probably just amounted to $2 or something. This is like really, really nice stuff I don't ever buy. Of note was J. Crew clothing for Gap prices. So soft!!! Shopping there was seriously like shopping on Black Friday.
Second, this is the second time I've really shopped with Grace. And I've determined that she is the perfect shopping buddy for me. This is gonna seem weird to expound upon the joys of shopping with Grace, but really the impact is that huge. I'm the kind of person who generally shops alone and likes to shop alone, because I vary widely from being really quick with my decisions and truly taking my time with other things. I have spent half an hour trying to figure out which bread to buy, yet 5 minutes deciding on a shirt. Weird I know. So it's almost impossible for me to really know how to shop with other people (even with family, we would just split up and meet somewhere central 2 hours later, occassionally running into one another at certain stores).
I've determined a few things that makes my shopping style jive with Grace's
1) I can trust her to tell me the truth and have real insight about what's going on with an outfit. This also means, I feel ok showing her how foolish I look in something. I also feel the freedom to not take her advice, cause it's not like she expects me to necessarily do so. This also makes decision making a lot faster, than me ruminating by myself.
2) I feel like I go to stores I wouldn't normally go to by myself (because I'm a bit defeatist and would talk myself out of the thought of even finding something there that fits me, my style, and my price range). Not that I necessarily buy anything when I go to these stores, but it exposes me to pricing and fashions that are out there. I think this is the annoying thing about shopping with my family, they go to the same stores over and over again, so we really have no idea if something is truly a deal or not.
3) I don't feel like I have to wait too long for her. She makes decisions in an adequate time frame.
In summary, the balance of aimless meandering and decisive selection, truth telling and individual thought, that Grace brings makes shopping for hours on end with someone else actually enjoyable.
I think the only thing that would make Woodbury better is if it was located in Jersey City where they don't have a sales tax on clothing.
Speaking of discounts, I finally went to Woodbury with Grace!!
First, Woodbury was just more amazing than I thought. I really only went because I heard that the Brooks Brothers shirts that are normally $85 are $60 there (these shirts last forever and are non-iron and fit me really well). But I was just astonished at how good most of the deals were. I saved about $237 or about a weighted savings rate of 51%, as compared to prices I found online. And the gas we used probably just amounted to $2 or something. This is like really, really nice stuff I don't ever buy. Of note was J. Crew clothing for Gap prices. So soft!!! Shopping there was seriously like shopping on Black Friday.
Second, this is the second time I've really shopped with Grace. And I've determined that she is the perfect shopping buddy for me. This is gonna seem weird to expound upon the joys of shopping with Grace, but really the impact is that huge. I'm the kind of person who generally shops alone and likes to shop alone, because I vary widely from being really quick with my decisions and truly taking my time with other things. I have spent half an hour trying to figure out which bread to buy, yet 5 minutes deciding on a shirt. Weird I know. So it's almost impossible for me to really know how to shop with other people (even with family, we would just split up and meet somewhere central 2 hours later, occassionally running into one another at certain stores).
I've determined a few things that makes my shopping style jive with Grace's
1) I can trust her to tell me the truth and have real insight about what's going on with an outfit. This also means, I feel ok showing her how foolish I look in something. I also feel the freedom to not take her advice, cause it's not like she expects me to necessarily do so. This also makes decision making a lot faster, than me ruminating by myself.
2) I feel like I go to stores I wouldn't normally go to by myself (because I'm a bit defeatist and would talk myself out of the thought of even finding something there that fits me, my style, and my price range). Not that I necessarily buy anything when I go to these stores, but it exposes me to pricing and fashions that are out there. I think this is the annoying thing about shopping with my family, they go to the same stores over and over again, so we really have no idea if something is truly a deal or not.
3) I don't feel like I have to wait too long for her. She makes decisions in an adequate time frame.
In summary, the balance of aimless meandering and decisive selection, truth telling and individual thought, that Grace brings makes shopping for hours on end with someone else actually enjoyable.
I think the only thing that would make Woodbury better is if it was located in Jersey City where they don't have a sales tax on clothing.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Dreams
Recently, I've been paying more attention to my dreams...don't really remember why, but I just have. I'm not writing them down or anything, though it helps when I tell someone about it. I noticed that most of my dreams actually include people I never really see like my parents, my brother, my closest cousins, my dog, my grandmother who has passed away, and Laura Z. Ben will make an appearance once and awhile, but most times it's all these random people.
Another thing is that I'm always on vacation somewhere, like in somebody else's house or my house or in a villa by the ocean. I guess it makes sense that I'm on vacation since these are the only contexts I see any of these people anymore. I realize that all of them have something to do with me being responsible for something.
One dream my parents and I went off on vacation, but apparently I had a paper to write and forgot some textbooks at home (SO weird, because I didn't really write that many papers as a Sternie). I drive back home and see my dog, Boris, and am so confused as to why my parents would leave Boris by himself (this is HILARIOUS because it would never happen and my parents are very particular about Boris's caretaker and schedule while they are away). But then my cousins Josh and Jikki were just hanging out there at my house. Basically it involved me running around taking care of things, while everyone wasn't doing anything about it.
So I think the running theme is that I feel resentful toward all the responsibility I've been given and other people who should be doing what they're responsible for, but are just so callously not, thus causing me to pull up the slack. Classic boundary problem I have with my parents. Classic boundary problem I have with everybody! Though, I think I've really made strides in this regard. Boundaries are so healthy.
Ah, thank God for counseling but more importantly His Holy Spirit!
Another thing is that I'm always on vacation somewhere, like in somebody else's house or my house or in a villa by the ocean. I guess it makes sense that I'm on vacation since these are the only contexts I see any of these people anymore. I realize that all of them have something to do with me being responsible for something.
One dream my parents and I went off on vacation, but apparently I had a paper to write and forgot some textbooks at home (SO weird, because I didn't really write that many papers as a Sternie). I drive back home and see my dog, Boris, and am so confused as to why my parents would leave Boris by himself (this is HILARIOUS because it would never happen and my parents are very particular about Boris's caretaker and schedule while they are away). But then my cousins Josh and Jikki were just hanging out there at my house. Basically it involved me running around taking care of things, while everyone wasn't doing anything about it.
So I think the running theme is that I feel resentful toward all the responsibility I've been given and other people who should be doing what they're responsible for, but are just so callously not, thus causing me to pull up the slack. Classic boundary problem I have with my parents. Classic boundary problem I have with everybody! Though, I think I've really made strides in this regard. Boundaries are so healthy.
Ah, thank God for counseling but more importantly His Holy Spirit!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Gah, the Gospel!
I started reading this intro by J.I. Packer for a book of John Owen's, "The Death of Death in the Death of Christ" (haha, yes it makes me giggle). Just read part 1 of it where he talks about the need for the recovery of the Gospel. How people have made the Gospel all about help for man, instead of the fuller description as giving glory to God.
"Accordingly, the themes of man's natural inability to believe, of God's free election being the ultimate cause of salvation, and of Christ dying specifically for his sheep are not preached. These doctrines, it would be said, are not 'helpful'; they would drive sinners to despair, by suggesting to them that it is not in their own power to be saved through Christ. (The possibility that such despair might be salutary is not considered: it is taken for granted that it cannot be, because it is so shattering to our self-esteem.) However this may be (and we shall say more about it later), the result of these omissions is that part of the biblical gospel is now preached as if it were the whole of that gospel; and a half-truth masquerading as the whole truth becomes a complete untruth. Thus, we appeal to men as if they all had the ability to receive Christ at any time; we speak of his redeeming work as if he had make it possible for us to save ourselves by believing; we speak of God's love as if it were no more than a general willingness to receive any who will turn and trust; and we depict the Father and the Son, not as sovereignly active in drawing sinners to themselves, but as waiting in quiet impotence 'at the door of our hearts' for us to let them in."
This thought has been shattering my self-made view of God lately. Yes, you start reading this and you think, well, it's basic belief in sinners saved by grace not by works. But do we really live this way? Do you wake up in complete reliance on Jesus dying for you? Do you really hate sin as evil? Do you really abhor sin or do you just hate the consequences of self-hate and look to the Gospel as a form relief from your suffering, never really letting the redemptive work of Jesus take over and returning to sin over and over again? I've been doing the latter and realized how hard it is to do the former. To be universally sincere in accepting the Gospel as the power of God, not just a help.
Yes, God is always welcoming and always waiting for us to turn, but neither is this our work, but only through the work of the Spirit. God is more than a Help, He is the very power that propels you.
This is how the Gospel is offensive as a intelligent, educated, highly self-sufficient person. It's so unnerving to think that my little attempts to clean myself up only make me dirtier and uglier with indwelling sin. To think that I am totally incapable of making friends without Jesus. To think that I am totally incapable of doing or having any work without the Spirit. To think I can keep it together and be a solid, supportive girlfriend without the Lord. Basically, the idea that I'm not being real about my sins at all, if I don't see their true evil. It sucks, and you almost don't know how to approach a God like that, a God that is so holy that even the very way you praise Him is inadequate and like dirty menstruation rags. Like you never really knew God at all. He makes Himself known, yet He is utterly unknowable. He reveals Himself, but He is unrevealed.
This tension rages on. And I can only pray and meditate feebly, having faith that the Spirit will move, and that God is still with me and for me. That this is still true: "God is mine helper." - Psalms 54:4 and all the truer with the fullness of the Gospel. He infinitely loves me and cherishes my heart and my life because all He sees is Jesus. We can only be justified by faith. And I knew all this from the beginning, but the Gospel just runs deeper and deeper with meaning with every movement and revelation of God. Justification and sanctification should be the same exact thing, a process done daily and throughout my life.
May I always say with joy and gladness: I'm a Christian, can you even believe it?!?!
"Accordingly, the themes of man's natural inability to believe, of God's free election being the ultimate cause of salvation, and of Christ dying specifically for his sheep are not preached. These doctrines, it would be said, are not 'helpful'; they would drive sinners to despair, by suggesting to them that it is not in their own power to be saved through Christ. (The possibility that such despair might be salutary is not considered: it is taken for granted that it cannot be, because it is so shattering to our self-esteem.) However this may be (and we shall say more about it later), the result of these omissions is that part of the biblical gospel is now preached as if it were the whole of that gospel; and a half-truth masquerading as the whole truth becomes a complete untruth. Thus, we appeal to men as if they all had the ability to receive Christ at any time; we speak of his redeeming work as if he had make it possible for us to save ourselves by believing; we speak of God's love as if it were no more than a general willingness to receive any who will turn and trust; and we depict the Father and the Son, not as sovereignly active in drawing sinners to themselves, but as waiting in quiet impotence 'at the door of our hearts' for us to let them in."
This thought has been shattering my self-made view of God lately. Yes, you start reading this and you think, well, it's basic belief in sinners saved by grace not by works. But do we really live this way? Do you wake up in complete reliance on Jesus dying for you? Do you really hate sin as evil? Do you really abhor sin or do you just hate the consequences of self-hate and look to the Gospel as a form relief from your suffering, never really letting the redemptive work of Jesus take over and returning to sin over and over again? I've been doing the latter and realized how hard it is to do the former. To be universally sincere in accepting the Gospel as the power of God, not just a help.
Yes, God is always welcoming and always waiting for us to turn, but neither is this our work, but only through the work of the Spirit. God is more than a Help, He is the very power that propels you.
This is how the Gospel is offensive as a intelligent, educated, highly self-sufficient person. It's so unnerving to think that my little attempts to clean myself up only make me dirtier and uglier with indwelling sin. To think that I am totally incapable of making friends without Jesus. To think that I am totally incapable of doing or having any work without the Spirit. To think I can keep it together and be a solid, supportive girlfriend without the Lord. Basically, the idea that I'm not being real about my sins at all, if I don't see their true evil. It sucks, and you almost don't know how to approach a God like that, a God that is so holy that even the very way you praise Him is inadequate and like dirty menstruation rags. Like you never really knew God at all. He makes Himself known, yet He is utterly unknowable. He reveals Himself, but He is unrevealed.
This tension rages on. And I can only pray and meditate feebly, having faith that the Spirit will move, and that God is still with me and for me. That this is still true: "God is mine helper." - Psalms 54:4 and all the truer with the fullness of the Gospel. He infinitely loves me and cherishes my heart and my life because all He sees is Jesus. We can only be justified by faith. And I knew all this from the beginning, but the Gospel just runs deeper and deeper with meaning with every movement and revelation of God. Justification and sanctification should be the same exact thing, a process done daily and throughout my life.
May I always say with joy and gladness: I'm a Christian, can you even believe it?!?!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Things I do when I'm bored/restless at work
Sometimes reading can only do so much. Here are random things I've picked up on that I do when I'm bored here.
-My work phone is right by the mouse. I sometimes lift the receiver up and down just to feel like I'm doing something. I like to watch the screen change (we have those fancy Cisco phones).
-Talking about screen changes, I toggle (Alt+Tab) through all the windows that I have open.
-I go to the bathroom.
-I look through my emails, making sure there aren't any open items.
-I look at my various calendars and sync them.
-I open up complicated work applications I have access to, just for fun.
-I journal.
-I start singing in my head.
-My hands get cold frequently. So I sit on them to warm while swinging side to side in my cool office chair, staring into space.
-I chat with other Business Analysts through the internal messaging app.
-I look up ideal apartments/things on craigslist/ebay.
-I think of any appointments with doctors or optometrists or dentists or counselors I need to make....recently, I've used up all my options.
-I try to figure out something financially complicated, like whether I should consolidate my student loans.
-I write Ben or Summer a long email.
-I clean out my wallet.
-My work phone is right by the mouse. I sometimes lift the receiver up and down just to feel like I'm doing something. I like to watch the screen change (we have those fancy Cisco phones).
-Talking about screen changes, I toggle (Alt+Tab) through all the windows that I have open.
-I go to the bathroom.
-I look through my emails, making sure there aren't any open items.
-I look at my various calendars and sync them.
-I open up complicated work applications I have access to, just for fun.
-I journal.
-I start singing in my head.
-My hands get cold frequently. So I sit on them to warm while swinging side to side in my cool office chair, staring into space.
-I chat with other Business Analysts through the internal messaging app.
-I look up ideal apartments/things on craigslist/ebay.
-I think of any appointments with doctors or optometrists or dentists or counselors I need to make....recently, I've used up all my options.
-I try to figure out something financially complicated, like whether I should consolidate my student loans.
-I write Ben or Summer a long email.
-I clean out my wallet.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
March Comparison
I thought I would play the, "Where were you last year?" game today. I think I get like that whenever I've just gone to counseling. It's just nice to compare and see growth. There is a danger of doing this just to make myself feel better and to extenuate the gravity and challenges of where I'm at now. But I have faith that this is helpful for me.
I looked a bit through my old xanga site and found this post. It's weird how I'm essentially doing the same things now: living for today, having work and social activities and getting enough sleep (btw, good share by Joanna on the theology of sleep), and waiting. Except now I realize that waiting is life, and all of life is basically waiting actively. Waiting actively is not just sitting there and going through the motions, but growing and seeking God and his Kingdom first as he reveals His mystery to you. I know this is easy to grasp in concept, but when I live my life, it's a lot harder to live like I know it.
Last year's March probably contained one of the most traumatic days of my life. I was already spiritually depressed and not sure about where God was and felt a withdrawing of His presence in my life. Then this elderly woman minister basically attacks my already precarious faith, and I just did not have the strength to stand under condemnation. Which is to say, I absolutely don't and that's what I need Jesus for. I need his justification daily, hourly, minute-by-minute.
Anyway, it's just nice to have had an entire winter without the spiritual depression that had seemed to accompany most of my winters in the last decade or so. It's nice to feel supported and that I can stand on the foundation of God, despite the openess of my situation. And man, is my situation open, with no commitments or obligations. I could move, I could quit tomorrow...right now, I could go meet new people, I could buy a plane ticket this weekend to go to France. But whatever I do God is with me, and I must follow Him, not my own whims. And there ultimately lies true joy and gratefulness. The kind of waiting that we weren't made for, but is a sign that we were made for something greater.
I looked a bit through my old xanga site and found this post. It's weird how I'm essentially doing the same things now: living for today, having work and social activities and getting enough sleep (btw, good share by Joanna on the theology of sleep), and waiting. Except now I realize that waiting is life, and all of life is basically waiting actively. Waiting actively is not just sitting there and going through the motions, but growing and seeking God and his Kingdom first as he reveals His mystery to you. I know this is easy to grasp in concept, but when I live my life, it's a lot harder to live like I know it.
Last year's March probably contained one of the most traumatic days of my life. I was already spiritually depressed and not sure about where God was and felt a withdrawing of His presence in my life. Then this elderly woman minister basically attacks my already precarious faith, and I just did not have the strength to stand under condemnation. Which is to say, I absolutely don't and that's what I need Jesus for. I need his justification daily, hourly, minute-by-minute.
Anyway, it's just nice to have had an entire winter without the spiritual depression that had seemed to accompany most of my winters in the last decade or so. It's nice to feel supported and that I can stand on the foundation of God, despite the openess of my situation. And man, is my situation open, with no commitments or obligations. I could move, I could quit tomorrow...right now, I could go meet new people, I could buy a plane ticket this weekend to go to France. But whatever I do God is with me, and I must follow Him, not my own whims. And there ultimately lies true joy and gratefulness. The kind of waiting that we weren't made for, but is a sign that we were made for something greater.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Random Thoughts
I think Kirkland Signature Chocolate Chunk Cookies from CostCo are probably my favorite cookies EVER! It's the right kind of soft and it lasts like that, it's not like it's only good when it first gets out of the oven. One cookie, however, is 210 calories. Probably 2/3 of the calories I burn when I do my Jane Fonda video. This makes me very sad. It's a good thing I don't make it to CostCo that often since apparently I have to spend at least $100 when I go there (~$230 when I went there with Murph last weekend). There is no such thing as a quick CostCo run.
I was looking at my LinkedIn profile today (because I like to Google myself, probably waaaaay too much). And realized that I've been working for 9 months, today. I'm not sure how to commemorate that, but it feels like an accomplishment. I wonder if it's because I'm a woman.
It truly amazes me how complicated I've made my financial life, that if I were to die, whoever is dealing with my stuff will have a difficult time figuring it out...unless you knew my passwords. Then it would be slightly better since most of it is compiled and recorded someplace.
I hate that WSJ has added Sports coverage...actually I just hate that they feel the need to deface the front page with this announcement, who cares if they added it or not?!
There are advantages to working in a French bank. 1)Things aren't melting down all over the place. I feel highly insulated from any "bad bank" fears. 2)A man was just walking past an office and said "Bonjour" to his French friend. And it made me think of the beginning of Beauty and the Beast. Then I briefly sang the song to myself as I pretended to be Belle.
I'm really looking forward to my car being paid off in June. Then the Title will be given solely to me (my mama is on it with me now) then I can have NY plates.
I know my hair would look better if I blow-dried it....but I haven't done that regularly in 5 years and am not about to start up again.
I'm not sure what my love languages are anymore. Haven't had to think about it in a long time. I think it's because I've been more specific as of late, and have not found the generalizations as useful as before. Is it possible to graduate from the basics?
Dave likes to call me "The Mayor" becomes I seem to know a lot of people. That's only because I've been on this project since the beginning. I think back to July when we were having meeting after meeting with these people, and I struggled to figure out who everyone was. ESPECIALLY, when they would be just some voice on a conference call. I realize now how important it was for me to follow John around those first few weeks. Now, someone will ask me where so-and-so sits and I can usually tell them or at least figure out who to ask. I like to know everything that's going on. It's a strength of mine to find the connections between things and I enjoy doing it.
I was looking at my LinkedIn profile today (because I like to Google myself, probably waaaaay too much). And realized that I've been working for 9 months, today. I'm not sure how to commemorate that, but it feels like an accomplishment. I wonder if it's because I'm a woman.
It truly amazes me how complicated I've made my financial life, that if I were to die, whoever is dealing with my stuff will have a difficult time figuring it out...unless you knew my passwords. Then it would be slightly better since most of it is compiled and recorded someplace.
I hate that WSJ has added Sports coverage...actually I just hate that they feel the need to deface the front page with this announcement, who cares if they added it or not?!
There are advantages to working in a French bank. 1)Things aren't melting down all over the place. I feel highly insulated from any "bad bank" fears. 2)A man was just walking past an office and said "Bonjour" to his French friend. And it made me think of the beginning of Beauty and the Beast. Then I briefly sang the song to myself as I pretended to be Belle.
I'm really looking forward to my car being paid off in June. Then the Title will be given solely to me (my mama is on it with me now) then I can have NY plates.
I know my hair would look better if I blow-dried it....but I haven't done that regularly in 5 years and am not about to start up again.
I'm not sure what my love languages are anymore. Haven't had to think about it in a long time. I think it's because I've been more specific as of late, and have not found the generalizations as useful as before. Is it possible to graduate from the basics?
Dave likes to call me "The Mayor" becomes I seem to know a lot of people. That's only because I've been on this project since the beginning. I think back to July when we were having meeting after meeting with these people, and I struggled to figure out who everyone was. ESPECIALLY, when they would be just some voice on a conference call. I realize now how important it was for me to follow John around those first few weeks. Now, someone will ask me where so-and-so sits and I can usually tell them or at least figure out who to ask. I like to know everything that's going on. It's a strength of mine to find the connections between things and I enjoy doing it.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Who's money is it anyway? - RANT
This seems like the redux version of this movie. Very cool and very informative. Talk about generational sin! This is like me and my parents times trillions of dollars.
It made me think of some stuff about money that kind of really annoy me about people. This is why people should be paying taxes if you owe them. Give to Caeser what is Caeser's. For me, you don't have a right to complain about the government if 1) you don't vote 2) you don't pay taxes when you should. But forget about the practicality of paying taxes to a free government - it ain't your money anyway!
I think it's great when people are so generous to charity and ministry which is something, believe it or not, Americans do relatively well. But there seems to be a lot of Americans who wish they didn't have to pay taxes at all and get defensive about the government getting their money....but that's the thing, it's not our money, it's God's. So if it's not yours, then what's the difference between the duty of tithing and the obligation to "Caeser", both of which are commanded? My theory is it's easy to give to charity because it feels good, it's an obvious "good work" that maybe not everyone sees, but somebody sure does, even if it's just the person working at the church counting up the offering basket. But taxes don't feel good at all, they just feel like their taking money away with no "good works" points in return.
I think it's obvious that that's not the reason why we should be giving our money to anything. Life should be an outpouring of gratefulness and praise to God. Last time I checked money is definitely a part of life, especially living in the richest country in the world!! So giving my money to the Navigators is not how I gauge my love of money, it's more than that. Do I spend my money generously on other people? Do I pay my taxes without a grudge? Do I save so as not to be a burden on others? And really the question is: Who's money is this and am I using it in a way that is glorifying to Him? It's not about behavior modification, it's about what you believe about your money.
Of course, of course I'm not perfect at all in this. But I thought I'd get that off my chest, because now that it's tax season, I'm reading a lot about this stuff, and the fact that not paying taxes now is just going to lead to higher taxes later is rational, yet we are so not rational.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Processing (...and this is just one passage)
"Truth loves the light and is most beautiful when most naked."
The problem with truth is no one really has it. So everyone, as in every human being, runs around thinking they've got the "Truth" when really they've just got a little truth. Totally changing the quote in my header line to this, because I feel like a new season is upon me (haha who knows if it's true?). Besides, I like the idea of nakedness. Fun part of not being in school is the freedom to determine a season of life separate from semesters, quarters, breaks, and when things are due.
Blogging is difficult when you're going through a lot of stuff. I've been struggling with defining what would be helpful to process here. I find myself sincerely disinterested in writing a post and rushing one at the end of the day or not at all. Also, it's hard to fight that feeling of performance on here, considering apparently I have a larger audience than I thought. Remarkably however, though there is a lot to process, it hasn't been burdensome, and I remain grateful instead of angry. So great is the Lord's grace that has carried me through a lot to get to a point where I can be happy and joyful, even with the hard things in life. So great is His love and affection toward me...ME!
Hmmm...so let me discuss the following long ass quote from John Owen:
"Hatred of sin as sin, not only as galling or disquieting, a sense of the love of Christ in the cross, lie at the bottom of all true spiritual mortification. Now, it is certain that that which I speak of proceeds from self-love. Thou settest thyself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such a lust or sin; what is the reason of it? It disquiets thee, it hath taken away thy peace, it fills thy heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear; thou hast no rest because of it. Yea; but, friend, thou hast neglected prayer or reading; thou hast been vain and loose in thy conversation in other things, that have not been of the same nature with that lust wherewith thou art perplexed. These are no less sins and evils than those under which thou groanest. Jesus Christ bled for them also. Why dost thou not set thyself against them also? If thou hatest sin as sin, every evil way, thou wouldst be no less watchful against every thing that grieves and disquiets thine own soul. It is evident that thou contendest against sin merely because of thy own trouble by it. Would thy conscience be quiet under it, thou wouldst let it alone. Did it not disquiet thee, it should not be disquieted by thee. Now, canst thou think that God will set in with such hypocritical endeavours, -- that ever his Spirit will bear witness to the treachery and falsehood of thy spirit? Dost thou think he will ease thee of that which perplexeth thee, that thou mayst be at liberty to that which no less grieves him? No. Says God, "Here is one, if he could be rid of this lust I should never hear of him more; let him wrestle with this, or he is lost." Let not any man think to do his own work that will not do God's. God's work consists in universal obedience; to be freed of the present perplexity is their own only. Hence is that of the apostle, 2 Cor. 7:1, "Cleanse yourselves from all pollution of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God." If we will do any thing, we must do all things. So, then, it is not only an intense opposition to this or that peculiar lust, but a universal humble frame and temper of heart, with watchfulness over every evil and for the performance of every duty, that is accepted."
I used to think "Elder Son" was more of a danger for mature Christians like the Rick Warrens and Tim Kellers of this world. People who are not just part of a ministry but help found ministries and general do good throughout society. But I realized that isn't true at all. Jesus said that if you have hatred in your heart for another person, you have murdered them and that if you lust after someone who is not your spouse, then you have committed adultery. Why can't it be applied that if you even think that going to small group regularly, hanging out with Christian friends all the time, etc. can save you, then you are in fact being an "Elder Son", spitting on the Cross and mocking the blood of Christ.
If you haven't noticed I've been reading a lot about and by the Puritans. And it's making me think a lot about how I operate theologically, which of course influences my ideas about ministry and evangelism. Specifically, this passage makes me re-think my own experience processing the greatness of my sin (...that sounds like I'm implying I'm done, but we all know I'm absolutely not). I came into Navs with all my addictions, neediness and shame. When the true power of the Gospel was shown to me at the Penn State retreat of my freshman year, I confessed to God and those around me. I set myself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such lust and sin. And I hated sin as "galling or disquieting" and it filled my heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear. But I didn't hate sin for sin, I hated sin because I realized it was bad and out of a spirit of self-love, not because I thought God was good and that I loved Him. Because of this, I came back to sinning over and over again. And I was usually very surprised when the more obvious sins of my life came back. Like I thought I was over it. I went on like that for a few years because God said, "let [her] wrestle with this, or [s]he is lost".
Then, all of a sudden, I fell in love with God for who He is and what He had done, not because I wanted His peace and wanted to be seen as "good" and mature or I wanted to be well-liked by my Christian friends. It is truly the work of the Spirit and no one else. I can't pinpoint when the exact moment or season this happened, but it probably had something to do with counseling and starting to wrestle with God and just God, not my parents, not my friends, not even my idols. You can't trust anyone you don't know, and I was starting to know and trust God. God had called me to Himself.
I really like the point the passage makes about how much this twisted kind of mortification of sin is self-love and noticable with the neglect of every other thing in life that still have everything to do with our sinfulness. If I'm really working on not looking at porn anymore (and succeeding), but then don't daily read the Bible, don't pray unceasingily, don't go to church, drink to the point of incoherance or even just spending money freely without gratefulness to the God who gave it to me thinking I earned it, then what use is the one victory? What kind of heart could I have obeying God one way but blatantly and obstinately disobeying God every other way? What sucks is outwardly, I think I'm doing it right or at least I'm not that bad, that I'm being a Christian, but really I've just diverted my energies from an obvious sin to a more sinister and insidious and dangerous kind. Sin that can go on for the rest of my life un-challenged and all the while corrupting every part of me to the point that I won't be myself anymore. I'll be some other demented kind of person with no true self, for my true self is only in Christ.
By the true, powerful and redemptive grace of the Spirit, I'm in a better place, which is always good. But I would be a fool if I didn't look back and see how wrong I was all the times I thought I was alright and assume that I'm done. In fact, what's great about Owen is how he emphasizes that the mortification of sin is a lifelong, daily practice. It's a constant putting to death, with the understanding that indwelling sin will never be dead in this world. I am always capable of taking my temptations to the extreme, lustful thoughts to sex outside of marriage, bitterness to hate to murder. It is a constant, perpetual going to Jesus and letting the Spirit do its work. The paradox is the key and understanding it will take a lifetime. Nevertheless, the mortification of sin is work for believers (who have had a real encounter with Christ and a real surrender of their lives) to do, not people who don't hate sin for sin but in fact love it and relish in temptation and use the Gospel for their own ends of relief and self-justification.
I cannot believe how much I'm learning from Mortification of Sin. Everything that John Owen says may seem familiar, but no one, NO ONE, ever says it like this anymore. And it's not just the old English ^_^. It's weird to realize that I'm reading this now because I'm ready to read it and not at any other time was I ready for such truth to pierce my heart. (And I credit Ben for turning me on to it). I'm not done with the book yet, and I could write on and on for so many other passages. This is probably one of the most important books I've read in my life. Read it if you feel lead to.
The problem with truth is no one really has it. So everyone, as in every human being, runs around thinking they've got the "Truth" when really they've just got a little truth. Totally changing the quote in my header line to this, because I feel like a new season is upon me (haha who knows if it's true?). Besides, I like the idea of nakedness. Fun part of not being in school is the freedom to determine a season of life separate from semesters, quarters, breaks, and when things are due.
Blogging is difficult when you're going through a lot of stuff. I've been struggling with defining what would be helpful to process here. I find myself sincerely disinterested in writing a post and rushing one at the end of the day or not at all. Also, it's hard to fight that feeling of performance on here, considering apparently I have a larger audience than I thought. Remarkably however, though there is a lot to process, it hasn't been burdensome, and I remain grateful instead of angry. So great is the Lord's grace that has carried me through a lot to get to a point where I can be happy and joyful, even with the hard things in life. So great is His love and affection toward me...ME!
Hmmm...so let me discuss the following long ass quote from John Owen:
"Hatred of sin as sin, not only as galling or disquieting, a sense of the love of Christ in the cross, lie at the bottom of all true spiritual mortification. Now, it is certain that that which I speak of proceeds from self-love. Thou settest thyself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such a lust or sin; what is the reason of it? It disquiets thee, it hath taken away thy peace, it fills thy heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear; thou hast no rest because of it. Yea; but, friend, thou hast neglected prayer or reading; thou hast been vain and loose in thy conversation in other things, that have not been of the same nature with that lust wherewith thou art perplexed. These are no less sins and evils than those under which thou groanest. Jesus Christ bled for them also. Why dost thou not set thyself against them also? If thou hatest sin as sin, every evil way, thou wouldst be no less watchful against every thing that grieves and disquiets thine own soul. It is evident that thou contendest against sin merely because of thy own trouble by it. Would thy conscience be quiet under it, thou wouldst let it alone. Did it not disquiet thee, it should not be disquieted by thee. Now, canst thou think that God will set in with such hypocritical endeavours, -- that ever his Spirit will bear witness to the treachery and falsehood of thy spirit? Dost thou think he will ease thee of that which perplexeth thee, that thou mayst be at liberty to that which no less grieves him? No. Says God, "Here is one, if he could be rid of this lust I should never hear of him more; let him wrestle with this, or he is lost." Let not any man think to do his own work that will not do God's. God's work consists in universal obedience; to be freed of the present perplexity is their own only. Hence is that of the apostle, 2 Cor. 7:1, "Cleanse yourselves from all pollution of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God." If we will do any thing, we must do all things. So, then, it is not only an intense opposition to this or that peculiar lust, but a universal humble frame and temper of heart, with watchfulness over every evil and for the performance of every duty, that is accepted."
I used to think "Elder Son" was more of a danger for mature Christians like the Rick Warrens and Tim Kellers of this world. People who are not just part of a ministry but help found ministries and general do good throughout society. But I realized that isn't true at all. Jesus said that if you have hatred in your heart for another person, you have murdered them and that if you lust after someone who is not your spouse, then you have committed adultery. Why can't it be applied that if you even think that going to small group regularly, hanging out with Christian friends all the time, etc. can save you, then you are in fact being an "Elder Son", spitting on the Cross and mocking the blood of Christ.
If you haven't noticed I've been reading a lot about and by the Puritans. And it's making me think a lot about how I operate theologically, which of course influences my ideas about ministry and evangelism. Specifically, this passage makes me re-think my own experience processing the greatness of my sin (...that sounds like I'm implying I'm done, but we all know I'm absolutely not). I came into Navs with all my addictions, neediness and shame. When the true power of the Gospel was shown to me at the Penn State retreat of my freshman year, I confessed to God and those around me. I set myself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such lust and sin. And I hated sin as "galling or disquieting" and it filled my heart with sorrow, and trouble, and fear. But I didn't hate sin for sin, I hated sin because I realized it was bad and out of a spirit of self-love, not because I thought God was good and that I loved Him. Because of this, I came back to sinning over and over again. And I was usually very surprised when the more obvious sins of my life came back. Like I thought I was over it. I went on like that for a few years because God said, "let [her] wrestle with this, or [s]he is lost".
Then, all of a sudden, I fell in love with God for who He is and what He had done, not because I wanted His peace and wanted to be seen as "good" and mature or I wanted to be well-liked by my Christian friends. It is truly the work of the Spirit and no one else. I can't pinpoint when the exact moment or season this happened, but it probably had something to do with counseling and starting to wrestle with God and just God, not my parents, not my friends, not even my idols. You can't trust anyone you don't know, and I was starting to know and trust God. God had called me to Himself.
I really like the point the passage makes about how much this twisted kind of mortification of sin is self-love and noticable with the neglect of every other thing in life that still have everything to do with our sinfulness. If I'm really working on not looking at porn anymore (and succeeding), but then don't daily read the Bible, don't pray unceasingily, don't go to church, drink to the point of incoherance or even just spending money freely without gratefulness to the God who gave it to me thinking I earned it, then what use is the one victory? What kind of heart could I have obeying God one way but blatantly and obstinately disobeying God every other way? What sucks is outwardly, I think I'm doing it right or at least I'm not that bad, that I'm being a Christian, but really I've just diverted my energies from an obvious sin to a more sinister and insidious and dangerous kind. Sin that can go on for the rest of my life un-challenged and all the while corrupting every part of me to the point that I won't be myself anymore. I'll be some other demented kind of person with no true self, for my true self is only in Christ.
By the true, powerful and redemptive grace of the Spirit, I'm in a better place, which is always good. But I would be a fool if I didn't look back and see how wrong I was all the times I thought I was alright and assume that I'm done. In fact, what's great about Owen is how he emphasizes that the mortification of sin is a lifelong, daily practice. It's a constant putting to death, with the understanding that indwelling sin will never be dead in this world. I am always capable of taking my temptations to the extreme, lustful thoughts to sex outside of marriage, bitterness to hate to murder. It is a constant, perpetual going to Jesus and letting the Spirit do its work. The paradox is the key and understanding it will take a lifetime. Nevertheless, the mortification of sin is work for believers (who have had a real encounter with Christ and a real surrender of their lives) to do, not people who don't hate sin for sin but in fact love it and relish in temptation and use the Gospel for their own ends of relief and self-justification.
I cannot believe how much I'm learning from Mortification of Sin. Everything that John Owen says may seem familiar, but no one, NO ONE, ever says it like this anymore. And it's not just the old English ^_^. It's weird to realize that I'm reading this now because I'm ready to read it and not at any other time was I ready for such truth to pierce my heart. (And I credit Ben for turning me on to it). I'm not done with the book yet, and I could write on and on for so many other passages. This is probably one of the most important books I've read in my life. Read it if you feel lead to.
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