It's been a tumultuous 2 weeks for me at work. I've been on the bench since I left the previous client end of January. Generally, this means being put to work on small tasks that need to be done for my company, but also freaking out about where you're going next and about how your next interview is going to go. I was lucky enough to only go through 2 interviews and am going back to the first client I had in Jersey City, but on a very different project. I'll be working more as a Project Lead, meaning holding and chairing meetings, making a project plan, writing specifications documents, and generally making sure everyone is doing what they're supposed to do. It's beyond everything I've ever done, and the environment there is not very project friendly either. People drag their feet, there's lots of politics. I was terrified of the interviews because I felt this guilt that I wasn't able to do what they were talking about. If ya'll remember, I didn't do much at this client, and I was playing out scenarios in my head of being exposed as a fraud, an idiot, someone completely incompetent. I felt like crying numerous times, especially when I was just sitting in an office with barely anything to do and it's all I could think about.
During that time, God was definitely trying to speak to me. Ben counseled me well and was brave to wave through the emotional mess. There were random resources that showed up like when Scott Sauls tweeted: "A guilty conscience is more terrified by imagined dangers, than a pure conscience is by real ones (John Flavel)" I realized that I was scared because of guilt. I realized that as a child of God, I have nothing to be ashamed of, and that even the worse of myself won't come up in any interview ever in my life, but the Lord of the universe would always know, and always accept me. It's also revealing to me how much I don't hear or listen to God Himself and I cling to the lesser things that he speaks through. Obviously, that has to change.
At the same time, my internal manager was bringing up somethings from the previous client. He was saying how I wasn't performing as well as another co-worker. This really bummed me out, because the other co-worker was crazy about work, to the point of idolatry. She came in at 8:15am and left at 7pm-7:30pm (at least!) daily and partied with the client every week. There's nothing wrong with these things in moderation, but I DID NOT want to be like her. And I was trying to be as honest as I could with my manager about how unfair this felt especially since the review was during the ramp up to my wedding. But he was abrupt and harsh and rebutted on certain things I said without acknowledging the points I conceded to, which I'm not used to from him. It sucks that it had to all happen with email, which is the brunt of the problem, I guess. He's off somewhere at a client, I can't just walk into his office and talk. He usually loves me. I usually trust his judgment. That's been broken now, and I'm not sure how to proceed. This guy is in charge of my development and is the person who makes suggestions to the partners about my raise, my bonus, my promotion or lack thereof. It's all very similar to sanctification, without the safety and love of the covenant. I felt even more exposed and incompetent. Again, I felt like quitting. Ben made a good point saying that it was very stereotypically male. "Just suck it up!" was what I felt like he was saying, without acknowledging anything reasonable nor emotional. That's just really dissatisfying from someone who wields a lot of power over you. It's also not the best way to motivate me nor gain my obedience. It's so different from Jesus. Not that that's surprising, just that it will be a frustration from my work, I think, for the rest of my corporate life. Corporate America was built by men for men for a majority of its existence, it's a real challenge to break through that.
It's funny that while I was waiting to hear back from this client, I was given a little carrot. They setup an interview with Barclays, which would've been in an old Lehman building 5 blocks from home. The same building I thought I'd work in for Internal Audit. And they were looking for someone with good Excel skills. The manager was pilipino. It would've been a slam dunk for me, but obviously God had other plans. Plans that are more challenging, but probably more rewarding.
Having said all that, below are the things I'm looking forward to:
-Having my personal space and my own cubicle again
-Having access to a mall when I need to go to a mall...as well as Target
-Eating at a Food Court for my Friday lunches
-Taking the PATH train, the most reliable train system I've used to date
-Longer commute (than just going to 23rd St) actually means more reading for me!
-The commute still only 30 minutes!!! AMAZING!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Marriage Lesson Number 1 for Xaris
"22Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. 23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." - Colossians 3:22-24
We all know how this passage has been used for evil and injustice in the past. And it's really too bad, because I feel like whenever it's brought up, it's tainted with that. But that's the work of the enemy, and we must overcome the evil because we are the sons and daughters of a victorious God. And on that note...
My gracious husband brought this verse to mind for me in these last few somewhat tumultuous work weeks. It's strange that work and faith issues should come up only now and so suspiciously right after beginning a new life, a new normal and getting over other issues (clearly wedding, family, relationships related...and still there, just not prominent). But I guess that's how God wants it to be right now - obvious.
I had a less than stellar year-end review, which would usually not be so devastating for me, a decidedly above average but not too overachieving kind of person. Unfortunately, my work knows my potential too well, and despite having a perfect record of completing projects and giving the client what they want, they knew I could do better...and told me so, which is their job after all. I would've been promoted again this year, but didn't make the cut because of this (btw this was a bigger deal than last year's promotion because I would start managing people at the Senior Business Analyst level). There are lots of reasons of course, but the main ones being I was planning a wedding and I don't really prioritize work.
Somehow, this review felt different from all the B's I've gotten from good ol' Stern that made me feel subpar. For one thing, I was viewing work differently.
Ben and I have always talked freely about money as it related to heart issues and the practical workings of our individual finances. And our transition to one unit is probably much smoother than a couple who'd never even talked about it before. Just like anything though, you really don't know what you're talking about until it's actually happening to you. I thought a lot about the consequences of marrying someone who doesn't have an income. Being the woman AND the sole income earner for a family of 2 in NYC. My money is now really not just my money. Aside from accountability with how I spend it, there is now an implicit accountability to how I earn it. Yes, we depend on my income and employment, which doesn't necessarily mean a dependence on just me (more like a dependence on the gifts of God) but that doesn't mean I can ignore how this correlates to my performance. What if I were to lose my job today? This thought means something more real and different now than it did when I was single. Before, I would survive on savings, maybe ask my parents for money, maybe move to Jersey City for awhile if it really got down to it...but now I can't just go and do those things. I have not felt as insecure about my job since I didn't have one lined up my Senior year at NYU. Even through the financial crisis, I felt like I was in this little bubble of safety, working for banks without being an employee of one, being seen as revenue instead of cost minimizing, it was the last of my fearful thoughts. Now, I feel the pressure, even when it's not being applied, that I have to do well because someone else depends on me.
Now, I have to care about what work thinks of me and how I'm performing. There's a bad way to do it of course, but there's the elusive good, God-fearing, honoring way. The way that actually loves and serves people. The way that uses the standards of the kingdom of God not the broken, worldly standards of greed and ambition. I'm not just talking about loving people well, I'm talking about doing my job as excellently as I possibly can to make someone else's life easier, or to show that I care about what they care about. To be for the flourishing of the city. Because when the city prospers, I prosper. And in this time of financial vulnerability (which I didn't plan on for myself when I was single in post-graduate life...I did graduate from Stern after all, yes the arrogance of this is clear), I can find the lessons of complete reliance on my God who I don't believe has taken me this far just to leave me. He remains ever faithful and good. And I remain foolish if I think I can make plans without being flexible. If I think I know best how my life should go. I only have to look at how my life and how it has gone waaaaaaay past any dreams or goals I had for myself. I am not in charge, and that's a freeing experience to realize.
I went to a Financial Services Ministry event at Redeemer, where they appropriately talked about the parable of the talents. It's such an accessible parable, but it really has some powerful implications...much like any of Jesus's parables really. Notice that every servant is given a different amount of talents, because God knows what we ultimately can handle. The 2 talent guy and the 5 talent guy both increased their profits 100%. Notice too that no one lost anything, it's either you didn't do anything with your talent and got yelled at or you gained an unbelievable amount for the Master. The kingdom of God is the perfect investment, there's nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Either way, the servants were just stewards of what they'd been given.
So I've been put as a "slave" here on earth, as a worker, as a business analyst. I will do the work I have been given because it will ultimately please my true Master and Lord. I will do it with all the talents I've been given and not be like that 1 talent guy in the parable who just buries it in the ground. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain, by serving in my work. It is for Him that I work, not my manager, not my husband. This life is just a gift.
It isn't easy to live this out, but I'm excited by the possibility of growth.
Disclaimer: It isn't lost on me that Ben and I are in a much better financial situation than a lot of people in NYC or the world for that matter. The lifestyle we live would probably be called excessive in most developing countries. It's a social problem, and I plan on being part of the solution in different ways. But hopefully you all know what I mean by financial vulnerability.
We all know how this passage has been used for evil and injustice in the past. And it's really too bad, because I feel like whenever it's brought up, it's tainted with that. But that's the work of the enemy, and we must overcome the evil because we are the sons and daughters of a victorious God. And on that note...
My gracious husband brought this verse to mind for me in these last few somewhat tumultuous work weeks. It's strange that work and faith issues should come up only now and so suspiciously right after beginning a new life, a new normal and getting over other issues (clearly wedding, family, relationships related...and still there, just not prominent). But I guess that's how God wants it to be right now - obvious.
I had a less than stellar year-end review, which would usually not be so devastating for me, a decidedly above average but not too overachieving kind of person. Unfortunately, my work knows my potential too well, and despite having a perfect record of completing projects and giving the client what they want, they knew I could do better...and told me so, which is their job after all. I would've been promoted again this year, but didn't make the cut because of this (btw this was a bigger deal than last year's promotion because I would start managing people at the Senior Business Analyst level). There are lots of reasons of course, but the main ones being I was planning a wedding and I don't really prioritize work.
Somehow, this review felt different from all the B's I've gotten from good ol' Stern that made me feel subpar. For one thing, I was viewing work differently.
Ben and I have always talked freely about money as it related to heart issues and the practical workings of our individual finances. And our transition to one unit is probably much smoother than a couple who'd never even talked about it before. Just like anything though, you really don't know what you're talking about until it's actually happening to you. I thought a lot about the consequences of marrying someone who doesn't have an income. Being the woman AND the sole income earner for a family of 2 in NYC. My money is now really not just my money. Aside from accountability with how I spend it, there is now an implicit accountability to how I earn it. Yes, we depend on my income and employment, which doesn't necessarily mean a dependence on just me (more like a dependence on the gifts of God) but that doesn't mean I can ignore how this correlates to my performance. What if I were to lose my job today? This thought means something more real and different now than it did when I was single. Before, I would survive on savings, maybe ask my parents for money, maybe move to Jersey City for awhile if it really got down to it...but now I can't just go and do those things. I have not felt as insecure about my job since I didn't have one lined up my Senior year at NYU. Even through the financial crisis, I felt like I was in this little bubble of safety, working for banks without being an employee of one, being seen as revenue instead of cost minimizing, it was the last of my fearful thoughts. Now, I feel the pressure, even when it's not being applied, that I have to do well because someone else depends on me.
Now, I have to care about what work thinks of me and how I'm performing. There's a bad way to do it of course, but there's the elusive good, God-fearing, honoring way. The way that actually loves and serves people. The way that uses the standards of the kingdom of God not the broken, worldly standards of greed and ambition. I'm not just talking about loving people well, I'm talking about doing my job as excellently as I possibly can to make someone else's life easier, or to show that I care about what they care about. To be for the flourishing of the city. Because when the city prospers, I prosper. And in this time of financial vulnerability (which I didn't plan on for myself when I was single in post-graduate life...I did graduate from Stern after all, yes the arrogance of this is clear), I can find the lessons of complete reliance on my God who I don't believe has taken me this far just to leave me. He remains ever faithful and good. And I remain foolish if I think I can make plans without being flexible. If I think I know best how my life should go. I only have to look at how my life and how it has gone waaaaaaay past any dreams or goals I had for myself. I am not in charge, and that's a freeing experience to realize.
I went to a Financial Services Ministry event at Redeemer, where they appropriately talked about the parable of the talents. It's such an accessible parable, but it really has some powerful implications...much like any of Jesus's parables really. Notice that every servant is given a different amount of talents, because God knows what we ultimately can handle. The 2 talent guy and the 5 talent guy both increased their profits 100%. Notice too that no one lost anything, it's either you didn't do anything with your talent and got yelled at or you gained an unbelievable amount for the Master. The kingdom of God is the perfect investment, there's nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Either way, the servants were just stewards of what they'd been given.
So I've been put as a "slave" here on earth, as a worker, as a business analyst. I will do the work I have been given because it will ultimately please my true Master and Lord. I will do it with all the talents I've been given and not be like that 1 talent guy in the parable who just buries it in the ground. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain, by serving in my work. It is for Him that I work, not my manager, not my husband. This life is just a gift.
It isn't easy to live this out, but I'm excited by the possibility of growth.
Disclaimer: It isn't lost on me that Ben and I are in a much better financial situation than a lot of people in NYC or the world for that matter. The lifestyle we live would probably be called excessive in most developing countries. It's a social problem, and I plan on being part of the solution in different ways. But hopefully you all know what I mean by financial vulnerability.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Prayer
Ben and I recently started this Redeemer class called on the "Psalms of David" which is taught by Marty Young, a ridic teacher. I've never had access to someone who could give a satisfying answer to a gamut of hard questions about the Bible. I've taken a few of his classes before on "Becoming Wise" which is about wisdom literature in the Bible and the "Resurrection" which changed the way I thought about the Resurrection. Mainly, I've come to really appreciate his classes because of both the structure and chaos it brings. Structure because there is at least a certain area we can talk about, but chaos in how surprising it is, and how it makes me think, WOW, I don't really know God or the Word at all do I?! Sometimes you really need that jolt of reality that really communicates the raw offensiveness of the Word of God for sinners like us. If it stops being offensive, I've made a false god that molds to my thoughts and wants instead of the real God who challenges my idols and molds me to His image (WHOA!).
Anyhoo, so Marty talked about how Biblical prayer is not praying for things or means to things, it's all about praying for the will of God. When we pray for something, what exactly are we praying for? What is the object of my prayer? Is the object of my prayer God? To be quite honest, I RARELY pray because of God. Most of the time, I'm praying because I feel bad and I want to feel good again. It was so convicting seeing how rampant this was in my life. For example, I may be praying for work or wisdom at my job, but why? For His glory? NO usually it's for my own glory, so that I get a promotion and a bonus down the road, so that I can feel like I'm doing something. Even asking for absolutely good things like an apartment for Ben and I, or good weather on our wedding day is not Biblical if the reason behind it is for my own comfort, joy, peace, etc. Which absolutely makes sense if you sat down and thought about it, but I am so blind to the dealings of my heart. Do I really love God for God, which is the love God asks for, or do I love Him because of the stuff I get out of Him? Do I love God because He is good, or is it because He's good to me?
Loving God because He's good to me is not a bad thing of course, it just shouldn't be the only reason why. How weird would it be to say that I love Ben because of all the things he does for me, but never really pay attention to who he is and what he likes and loves?
Now, Marty said something regarding these un-Biblical prayers, that I don't know what to think about quite yet. He said that they are all unheard, not just unanswered, but unheard. His reasoning was that because God is so holy, he doesn't let things that are not holy into his presence. However, I think about how the Holy Spirit is our intercessor, and our prayers are heard through faith in Christ Jesus who is most righteous and holy. I wish he had given some more backing to this, but then, no one really pushed him on this issue (probably because everyone was feeling the conviction of what he just said about 90% of the prayers out there), and I hope it comes up again.
To further this point though, I think the main thing is just recognizing that even our very prayers are inadequate and are like dirty rags before the Father. But because the Son has died and rose again on our behalf, His righteousness is upon us and we must rely on Him for all things. We need to pray for His will to be done, not ours.
Anyhoo, so Marty talked about how Biblical prayer is not praying for things or means to things, it's all about praying for the will of God. When we pray for something, what exactly are we praying for? What is the object of my prayer? Is the object of my prayer God? To be quite honest, I RARELY pray because of God. Most of the time, I'm praying because I feel bad and I want to feel good again. It was so convicting seeing how rampant this was in my life. For example, I may be praying for work or wisdom at my job, but why? For His glory? NO usually it's for my own glory, so that I get a promotion and a bonus down the road, so that I can feel like I'm doing something. Even asking for absolutely good things like an apartment for Ben and I, or good weather on our wedding day is not Biblical if the reason behind it is for my own comfort, joy, peace, etc. Which absolutely makes sense if you sat down and thought about it, but I am so blind to the dealings of my heart. Do I really love God for God, which is the love God asks for, or do I love Him because of the stuff I get out of Him? Do I love God because He is good, or is it because He's good to me?
Loving God because He's good to me is not a bad thing of course, it just shouldn't be the only reason why. How weird would it be to say that I love Ben because of all the things he does for me, but never really pay attention to who he is and what he likes and loves?
Now, Marty said something regarding these un-Biblical prayers, that I don't know what to think about quite yet. He said that they are all unheard, not just unanswered, but unheard. His reasoning was that because God is so holy, he doesn't let things that are not holy into his presence. However, I think about how the Holy Spirit is our intercessor, and our prayers are heard through faith in Christ Jesus who is most righteous and holy. I wish he had given some more backing to this, but then, no one really pushed him on this issue (probably because everyone was feeling the conviction of what he just said about 90% of the prayers out there), and I hope it comes up again.
To further this point though, I think the main thing is just recognizing that even our very prayers are inadequate and are like dirty rags before the Father. But because the Son has died and rose again on our behalf, His righteousness is upon us and we must rely on Him for all things. We need to pray for His will to be done, not ours.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Update!
It has been a good long while, and much has happened it feels like. When I was forcing myself to write everyday, I really did have a bloggers mind. I would have profound (in my view ^_^) thoughts and immediately start forming a beginning, middle, and end of a blog post. I think I really did become a bit better at writing. Once in a while, I'll think about writing a post, but literally have no clue when I would do that. Except for the wedding blogs (which I usually just rush through anyway), I haven't really kept up with my friends' blog or Google Reader. It's unfortunate, and I think I really do feel the lack in connectedness. Anyway...some bullets on what's been going on:
Wedding Shtuff
- Wedding planning has been simultaneously relaxed and scary. I decided on a lot of things very early on, making it more of a lull at the moment. But already the details of what's actually needs to happen is encroaching. In the end, the things that make it stressful are the things that arise out of the planning, nothing to do with colors, style, or logistics. Maybe it's my own sins, maybe it's Ben's, maybe it's our families'. Mostly though, it becomes painfully obvious how different Ben and I operate, making working together rough going, which is relatively new for us considering how smoothly everything else we've worked on has gone (e.g. Navs leadership). Yes, we are planners and are very organized individuals, but the nuances of how this is executed is different. On the whole though, this is a good thing and engagement is exactly that time when such things start being wrestled with and accepted.
- I've been having odd thoughts about my wedding dress. I think I'm largely over it now, but I really was struggling with loving my dress...and I never really thought I'd be that kind of a girl. It was the first dress I tried on. It's kinda an awkward, "I like you, but...I don't know if you're the one." I finally put pictures of it on my phone, and I think that's helped in some odd way to look at it all the time....I know, it's just a dress, an object, I'm weirded out too.
Health
- So I gots to get a colonoscopy next month. It was a bit jarring because of a number of factors, a big one being that I have absolutely not days off left for the year because of the wedding and honeymoon. I just need to take that day as unpaid leave, which isn't such a big deal, but I just hate having so little time off. Being a consultant can be so challenging, as they really count the hours you work.
Work
- I've been busy, and it's been somewhat fun, somewhat stressful. The people I share a tiny office with (including my manager) are fun to be around. There are days when we constantly sing random songs all day, all three of us. We all refer to the same movies and the same SNL skits. It's radically different from my previous project. I'm definitely more stressed though, and challenged more everyday. I've been given more responsibility in that I'm actually the only person on my current project and loosely managed by Josh (current manager's name). I speak with people in London mostly....I've been drinking some sort of caffeine on a daily basis. It's weird to work so hard, in an environment like this. I find myself missing thinking about other things aside from finance products, processes, systems and calculations.
That's a quick overview I guess. I hope to write more later!
Wedding Shtuff
- Wedding planning has been simultaneously relaxed and scary. I decided on a lot of things very early on, making it more of a lull at the moment. But already the details of what's actually needs to happen is encroaching. In the end, the things that make it stressful are the things that arise out of the planning, nothing to do with colors, style, or logistics. Maybe it's my own sins, maybe it's Ben's, maybe it's our families'. Mostly though, it becomes painfully obvious how different Ben and I operate, making working together rough going, which is relatively new for us considering how smoothly everything else we've worked on has gone (e.g. Navs leadership). Yes, we are planners and are very organized individuals, but the nuances of how this is executed is different. On the whole though, this is a good thing and engagement is exactly that time when such things start being wrestled with and accepted.
- I've been having odd thoughts about my wedding dress. I think I'm largely over it now, but I really was struggling with loving my dress...and I never really thought I'd be that kind of a girl. It was the first dress I tried on. It's kinda an awkward, "I like you, but...I don't know if you're the one." I finally put pictures of it on my phone, and I think that's helped in some odd way to look at it all the time....I know, it's just a dress, an object, I'm weirded out too.
Health
- So I gots to get a colonoscopy next month. It was a bit jarring because of a number of factors, a big one being that I have absolutely not days off left for the year because of the wedding and honeymoon. I just need to take that day as unpaid leave, which isn't such a big deal, but I just hate having so little time off. Being a consultant can be so challenging, as they really count the hours you work.
Work
- I've been busy, and it's been somewhat fun, somewhat stressful. The people I share a tiny office with (including my manager) are fun to be around. There are days when we constantly sing random songs all day, all three of us. We all refer to the same movies and the same SNL skits. It's radically different from my previous project. I'm definitely more stressed though, and challenged more everyday. I've been given more responsibility in that I'm actually the only person on my current project and loosely managed by Josh (current manager's name). I speak with people in London mostly....I've been drinking some sort of caffeine on a daily basis. It's weird to work so hard, in an environment like this. I find myself missing thinking about other things aside from finance products, processes, systems and calculations.
That's a quick overview I guess. I hope to write more later!
Monday, July 27, 2009
NEW!
My new project is definitely miles away (literally and figuratively) from my previous one. I've been doing some real work and real thinking. I'm starting to remember that I did go to business school and that I work in Finance. I'm sharing an office with my manager and a new grad (as we call Business Analysts who just graduated ^_^), and it is surprisingly good and bad in different ways.
Bad:
1. Manager would be able to clearly see everything I do. And there is no way for me to hide, even if I did want him to forget I exist for a little while and not give me work. I have no excuse but to turn around and ask him what I should be doing.
2. Despite a shorter commute (by like 10 minutes..but whatever), I'm required to come in at 8:30am, which is normal in New York finance world. It's cool and all, but the transition is still a little jarring.
3. I'm doing real work and thus am actually feeling really vulnerable and wanting more feedback, because I know I'm displaying my abilities and skills to a Partner (as in he started the company!) and a Managing Director. I can't really tell if I'm disappointing or not, quite yet. I'm actually starting to feel that feeling I used to get in the morning before an exam or something. Not actually fear, maybe more like adrenaline/uneasiness at the things that are not known.
4. The new grad is always asking me what I'm doing, because she also wants to learn from me. It's a bit annoying though, as sometimes I just want to screw around on the Internetz.
5. I don't feel comfortable nesting there the way I did at the previous bank. I haven't brought on the pictures yet.
GOOD!:
1. My manager and the new grad are really funny, and I have surprisingly felt at ease with them most of the time. My manager is A LOT like Jim from "The Office", NO JOKE! It's weird, but I don't notice this until I stop talking to him about the project. The new grad is very talkative and quite a go-getter kind of person. She makes me feel welcome.
2. It's a 50-minute commute to an area that is accessible to a lot of other neighborhoods in the city. I have grown to really appreciate this after Jersey City!!
3. I'm doing real work and thinking really hard about things I should be thinking hard about (not centerpieces, puppies, etc.). This makes me feel like a normal working professional. I also never felt so much like a consultant than in this environment.
4. I no longer feel awkward working with solely middle-aged, cynical, self-deprecating, old school, Finance men with whom I never really knew how to have a normal conversation with (except Joel, who I miss dearly <_>).
This project goes on for at least another month, and then we don't know what comes next. I could be onto another project again. Anyway, if you don't hear from me, you'll know why!
Friday, July 10, 2009
Wedding Blogs and Moving Sites
I kind of really appreciated this post. I felt pretty similarly when I found out the ginormous amount of information there is on the internet when it comes to wedding planning. I've gotten to a point where I just want to like what I like and I'm sticking to it. What's worse is not a lot of the weddings or ideas I see are really plausible nor desire-able for Ben and me. It's definitely an art to just enjoy the beauty and not be overwhelmed by it.
Today is my last day at this client site. I almost can't believe that I'm not coming back here...maybe ever. It's both rather exciting and alarming at the same time. I almost got a beta fish, I've been here so long. It's a good thing I didn't!
It'll be a week or so until I find out for sure if I'm going to this other bank which is located in the World Financial Center. I think it still takes about an hour to get there, but the change in commute (which will be cheaper because I don't have to take the PATH!) is welcomed. I also look forward to being downtown again. It has been years since I worked down there. It's also a Japanese bank, and I look forward to experiencing another kind of corporate culture. This French bank I'm in now is sooo different from American banks, it's kind of really cool. I could write a paper on this.
Meanwhile, I'll be at our Times Square headquarters doing God knows what. I hope to be as helpful as possible with our internal projects. At the same time, I'd really like to get some short days or working from home days. Then I can finally fix the registration of my car!
Today is my last day at this client site. I almost can't believe that I'm not coming back here...maybe ever. It's both rather exciting and alarming at the same time. I almost got a beta fish, I've been here so long. It's a good thing I didn't!
It'll be a week or so until I find out for sure if I'm going to this other bank which is located in the World Financial Center. I think it still takes about an hour to get there, but the change in commute (which will be cheaper because I don't have to take the PATH!) is welcomed. I also look forward to being downtown again. It has been years since I worked down there. It's also a Japanese bank, and I look forward to experiencing another kind of corporate culture. This French bank I'm in now is sooo different from American banks, it's kind of really cool. I could write a paper on this.
Meanwhile, I'll be at our Times Square headquarters doing God knows what. I hope to be as helpful as possible with our internal projects. At the same time, I'd really like to get some short days or working from home days. Then I can finally fix the registration of my car!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Preparing for Marriage
I've been noticing something in me that I find rather disgusting. I've been judging every person I ever look at or even think of. I'm not sure how long this has been going on, or why I'm even so aware of it now (probs the Holy Spirit), but I've just felt really stupid about it lately. I see so many people in one day, just by virtue of taking public transit. And I literally form judgments about a person's character and personality just by looking them up and down. I think I did start noticing this when I started just looking at people's various engagement/wedding rings and thinking about what I would want for myself. I realized that the judgments I made on the ring's beauty and size suddenly transferred to what I thought about the person...without even talking to them.
And why am I doing this? Why such self-righteousness? It's because I'm not accessing the free love, grace, and mercy of the Lord. The hardest thing about living the Christian life, is the repetitive nature of repentence. God's love is so powerful as to demand all of me. But when I don't fully grasp the glory of the Gospel, I suddenly have no idea about my acceptance and full assurance in Jesus. The very way I live my life is affected. I literally can't love as much, nor serve as much, and accept as much. I must feel better about myself by putting people down. Again and again, I need to remember and marinate in the truth that I am robed in the righteousness of Jesus. I am, in fact, one with Him. I abide in Him and He remains in me.
It's been cool that these thoughts have been prompted by the whole process of preparing for marriage. The parallels of increasing oneness with Ben and increasing realization of God's actual oneness with me has been cool and scary to see. Ok, so maybe Ben was that person I'd been thinking about and praying for all my life, that person I'm actually gonna marry. But God has always been in my life, whether I like it or not, whether I paid attention or not. He has always been my husband, I have always been saved. My salvation was never dependent on how wise I am or how much I obeyed or even how much I believe, it depended on God. Much like Gomer, it doesn't matter how much she had done, she was still Hosea's wife. So for all time and eternity, Jesus has already clothed me with his wealth, glory, and honor. I've never done anything without His help.
It's a little scary to think about how marriage is a model like this that was created by God. That no matter how ugly your spouse gets, how demeaning their spirit may become, or even how terrible a parent they end up being, it is your job to stick it out and make them better, even if it costs you terribly. That is God's way of loving us after all, and if we can't even love the one person we're supposed to love in this way, how can we ever serve the poor and the marginalized (that's a Mike Mason paraphrase btw)? The simplicity of marriage, you're given one person to love above any other human being, including yourself. That's it! How difficult, but man, how beautiful! God is a genius.
And why am I doing this? Why such self-righteousness? It's because I'm not accessing the free love, grace, and mercy of the Lord. The hardest thing about living the Christian life, is the repetitive nature of repentence. God's love is so powerful as to demand all of me. But when I don't fully grasp the glory of the Gospel, I suddenly have no idea about my acceptance and full assurance in Jesus. The very way I live my life is affected. I literally can't love as much, nor serve as much, and accept as much. I must feel better about myself by putting people down. Again and again, I need to remember and marinate in the truth that I am robed in the righteousness of Jesus. I am, in fact, one with Him. I abide in Him and He remains in me.
It's been cool that these thoughts have been prompted by the whole process of preparing for marriage. The parallels of increasing oneness with Ben and increasing realization of God's actual oneness with me has been cool and scary to see. Ok, so maybe Ben was that person I'd been thinking about and praying for all my life, that person I'm actually gonna marry. But God has always been in my life, whether I like it or not, whether I paid attention or not. He has always been my husband, I have always been saved. My salvation was never dependent on how wise I am or how much I obeyed or even how much I believe, it depended on God. Much like Gomer, it doesn't matter how much she had done, she was still Hosea's wife. So for all time and eternity, Jesus has already clothed me with his wealth, glory, and honor. I've never done anything without His help.
It's a little scary to think about how marriage is a model like this that was created by God. That no matter how ugly your spouse gets, how demeaning their spirit may become, or even how terrible a parent they end up being, it is your job to stick it out and make them better, even if it costs you terribly. That is God's way of loving us after all, and if we can't even love the one person we're supposed to love in this way, how can we ever serve the poor and the marginalized (that's a Mike Mason paraphrase btw)? The simplicity of marriage, you're given one person to love above any other human being, including yourself. That's it! How difficult, but man, how beautiful! God is a genius.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Cha-cha-cha-changes
There's this new management structure that's being implemented in my company, and I'm meeting with my new managers today. I'm kind of excited, kind of dreading. I think I just don't like feeling so vulnerable about work stuff when it has nothing to do with counseling ^_^. But I think it's gonna be great overall and nothing to really worry about. My managers are great guys who've I've talked to candidly about a great many things. If anything, I might be able to voice things that I haven't been able to before, or just don't know how to. It's what's great about having a younger, smaller company I guess. Maybe I feel lost out there without structure, but the informality of it all really helps me feel secure in my relationships with work people...well, at least the management. I always was the type to have friends older than me.
My project has ended, and it's my last week here at the client. I can hardly believe it. My first and only project. It's more normal to have 3-4 projects a year, and yet here I've been at the same desk. It's weird. I always knew I would eventually leave, but there's a weird sensation that's similar to when you quit or lose your job (though Thank the Lord Almighty, I have yet to experience the latter). I've been taking stuff home slowly, the high-heel shoes, the umbrella I found on the subway, the newspapers I saved from the election, inauguration, and when Lehman collapsed...And all these pictures of friends and family. I also put down some stickies with the Scripture that meant the most to me in one of the most major transitions of my life. The pack rat in me wants to keep it all, but I think I'll be throwing stuff away more than not. I really nested here too. Most consultants have such a bare desk, you could hardly guess that it's being used. I guess I'm just different like that.
A part of me is relieved to have an excuse to do nothing. As in, it is valid that I have nothing to do because I haven't been given an assignment yet. My hope is that I might not need to come into the offices at all and "work from home", even just for a little while. What a gift that becomes when you start working. Even when I do save up my days and have a long vacation, there's just something about not having to wake up at 6am on a weekday and to nap in the middle of the afternoon. I may not have been busy at my job, but it's not the same as staying home and not coming in at all or not staring at a screen all day.
I think that's what I really like about my job. I always know that I'm eventually gonna leave wherever I'm at, but enjoy the relative stability of being a salaried worker. Who knew being a consultant would be so appropriate for me.
My project has ended, and it's my last week here at the client. I can hardly believe it. My first and only project. It's more normal to have 3-4 projects a year, and yet here I've been at the same desk. It's weird. I always knew I would eventually leave, but there's a weird sensation that's similar to when you quit or lose your job (though Thank the Lord Almighty, I have yet to experience the latter). I've been taking stuff home slowly, the high-heel shoes, the umbrella I found on the subway, the newspapers I saved from the election, inauguration, and when Lehman collapsed...And all these pictures of friends and family. I also put down some stickies with the Scripture that meant the most to me in one of the most major transitions of my life. The pack rat in me wants to keep it all, but I think I'll be throwing stuff away more than not. I really nested here too. Most consultants have such a bare desk, you could hardly guess that it's being used. I guess I'm just different like that.
A part of me is relieved to have an excuse to do nothing. As in, it is valid that I have nothing to do because I haven't been given an assignment yet. My hope is that I might not need to come into the offices at all and "work from home", even just for a little while. What a gift that becomes when you start working. Even when I do save up my days and have a long vacation, there's just something about not having to wake up at 6am on a weekday and to nap in the middle of the afternoon. I may not have been busy at my job, but it's not the same as staying home and not coming in at all or not staring at a screen all day.
I think that's what I really like about my job. I always know that I'm eventually gonna leave wherever I'm at, but enjoy the relative stability of being a salaried worker. Who knew being a consultant would be so appropriate for me.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
We are the weird ones
One of the annoying things about weddings/marriage is that most people have an opinion about it, and anyone who hears you're getting married suddenly wants to give you unwanted advice. This is way different than friends giving you an opinion, as that's completely normal and welcome, this is when random people, just because they think you're young and naive, just start telling you what you have to/should do. Boundaries, people, BOUNDARIES!
Unfortunately, I think Ben gets this stuff a lot more than me, not quite sure why (probably because I don't go to happy hour and you wouldn't normally talk about this in a corporate environment). The most annoying thing that keeps coming up since we graduated is, "Why don't you live together?" We've obviously been serious and all the more now that we're engaged (teehee understatement), so people generally just think, well, hey, you live an hour away from each other(!), why not just move in? I think what makes it most annoying is that if it really were that easy, then of course we would. But life ain't about being easy, it's about serving God, the Church, and those outside the Church. But again and again, we run into people who are surprised to find us "inconveniencing" ourselves, and the assumptions behind all assumptions is that we're in love and so we should do whatever we want. Get married, don't get married, move in together, don't move in if it's not convenient, have kids, don't have kids (ever), join your accounts or not, but above all else, of course you should definitely have sex. In fact, no sex is actually bad for you and just not healthy. You know what, we ARE in love, but we're not married yet and you don't really understand what love is if you think it means doing whatever you want or whatever "feels right". I think people who don't have a Biblical view of why we have marriage (and by that virtue dating) at all are just making stuff up, dependent on whatever is cool for our culture today.
I guess what's most annoying of all is that it wouldn't be such an issue if we didn't live in a city. It's just SO weird to find SO many people SO surprised as if we're the weird ones. These are all casual encounters btw, no one like that we're having a yelling match with or having weird conflict with because of it. It would just be nice to meet someone, for once, to meet someone who doesn't assume we're like the average engaged people in New York City. That when we say December won't say, "Wow! Of this year!" Or when they ask if we're moving in won't say "You should just do that now! It's so much easier!" Just so many unwanted opinions!
Unfortunately, I think Ben gets this stuff a lot more than me, not quite sure why (probably because I don't go to happy hour and you wouldn't normally talk about this in a corporate environment). The most annoying thing that keeps coming up since we graduated is, "Why don't you live together?" We've obviously been serious and all the more now that we're engaged (teehee understatement), so people generally just think, well, hey, you live an hour away from each other(!), why not just move in? I think what makes it most annoying is that if it really were that easy, then of course we would. But life ain't about being easy, it's about serving God, the Church, and those outside the Church. But again and again, we run into people who are surprised to find us "inconveniencing" ourselves, and the assumptions behind all assumptions is that we're in love and so we should do whatever we want. Get married, don't get married, move in together, don't move in if it's not convenient, have kids, don't have kids (ever), join your accounts or not, but above all else, of course you should definitely have sex. In fact, no sex is actually bad for you and just not healthy. You know what, we ARE in love, but we're not married yet and you don't really understand what love is if you think it means doing whatever you want or whatever "feels right". I think people who don't have a Biblical view of why we have marriage (and by that virtue dating) at all are just making stuff up, dependent on whatever is cool for our culture today.
I guess what's most annoying of all is that it wouldn't be such an issue if we didn't live in a city. It's just SO weird to find SO many people SO surprised as if we're the weird ones. These are all casual encounters btw, no one like that we're having a yelling match with or having weird conflict with because of it. It would just be nice to meet someone, for once, to meet someone who doesn't assume we're like the average engaged people in New York City. That when we say December won't say, "Wow! Of this year!" Or when they ask if we're moving in won't say "You should just do that now! It's so much easier!" Just so many unwanted opinions!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Jewelry and Coney Island
I just wanna say that if you're looking for any sort of real, good, reasonably priced jewelry in NYC, go to David S Diamonds. Ravin, the guy Ben got my ring from, is such an amiable person, and is just so surprisingly great to deal with. You just don't feel hustled, which is rare for me nowadays as I need to put my gameface on whenever I'm dealing with a wedding purchase of some sort. Even if it's just talking myself down. Anyway, just ask me if you have that kind of need.
This last week has been so surprisingly social. It never ceases to amaze me the randomness of what dictates how busy you are at any given point in time when there aren't any structures to your time (like semester, quarter, finals, etc.).
Ben and I took my cousins to Coney Island yesterday. It was all our first time there, so it was very interesting. I think the beach there is actually better than Rockaway...though more crowded. The 4 of us squeezed onto my beach towel and even laid out a little. The facilities and the food were better too...thinking I'm definitely going back this summer!
This last week has been so surprisingly social. It never ceases to amaze me the randomness of what dictates how busy you are at any given point in time when there aren't any structures to your time (like semester, quarter, finals, etc.).
Ben and I took my cousins to Coney Island yesterday. It was all our first time there, so it was very interesting. I think the beach there is actually better than Rockaway...though more crowded. The 4 of us squeezed onto my beach towel and even laid out a little. The facilities and the food were better too...thinking I'm definitely going back this summer!
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