It's been a while. It's hard for me to write anymore, as I don't find it very helpful for me to have to write out my thoughts and feelings in a way that makes sense to other people reading. I know this is lazy, and most people don't have the patience to read crap. But given our current situation in life, this private blog seems to be the only means to effectively share my heart to those I know care about me, and who happen to be very far away geographically.
To counter fears of being isolated, I've decided to blog again. I have to say that this will be rather detailed, so warning you that this could be gross to read.
Ben and I started trying to conceive (TTC) at the beginning of December last year. Some of you might know that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Much like any other disease, it has lots of variants, but the bottom line with it is that I didn't have regular periods because of this. I was diagnosed my first summer in NY. I specifically remember walking around Wall Street for my summer job, stunned with the news. Naturally, once I started dating Ben, I shared with him this fact. Being the planners we are, we both of course set our expectations about how hard TTC would be, knowing well that it could take multiple years.
Since December, I've basically ovulated 5 times. We tried from December-June by ourselves, then I started going to the Fertility doctor in July. Good news is we did a full screening, and only Ben has some sort of super obscure rare disease that he could possibly pass on in his genes. I have none, therefore making the odds super small that we would pass it on. Also, I was always told that starting to try early would be to my benefit, and the doctor seems to confirm that letting me know that my uterus, my eggs, Ben's sperm is all good in the hood. The essential issue here is that I'm just not ovulating enough and it would take forever to conceive if I had to wait for my body. One of my cycles was seriously 142 days...
So 2 of these times I ovulated were from the help of some medicine, which tricks my body into creating more hormones for the growth of an egg. This requires some trial and error as I go into the doctor's office multiple times, almost once a week, as she checks to see whether an egg is getting ready to be popped out. This requires many vaginal ultrasounds (yes, through the vagina), which of course, as you can imagine, sucks. I've had some side effects with the medicine, including hot flashes and once my vision got really weird. Also sucky.
Once the egg looks good to go, she tells me to have an injection of HCG (administered by Ben at home), which should trigger the egg to be released, and BINGO I've ovulated. This last Monday, we also did a intra-uterine insemination (IUI), where they basically collect the sperm, clean it, and put it in through the cervix via a catheter so it's placed where it needs to go. Don't worry, we're still having intercourse too, but this IUI piece I guess is the extra help. So the waiting begins, and I hope to pee on a stick in 2 weeks to see if one of the 46 million sperm inserted into me met with my 1 egg.
Fertility medicine, visits, etc. is actually not something that is usually covered under insurance. It's rather ridiculous, because it's such a common thing to need really. I was rather worried about this in the beginning, but by God's grace a majority of this stuff is free when we do it through UCLA. So far I have not paid a penny, though I think I'll get billed for the IUI. So a good time for us to be having babies!! This is beyond awesome. I think we've probably spent thousands upon thousands at this point in the process.
So I'm supposed to start taking progesterone vaginally (yes, through my vagina like it's a mouth) 3 times a day tomorrow. Last time I did this was in early August, and I unfortunately reacted very badly to it. I'm giving it a try again and will see if it happens again.
If you are wondering how I'm doing this while still working...that's probably the next post. Give me some love in the comments and let me know if you're interested in reading this.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Saturday, October 20, 2012
The Core of Benjamin
Today is my birthday (of course you knew that ;)). But today also marks 5 years of being in an exclusive relationship of some sort with Ben (i.e. he asked me out 5 years ago). In that time we've gone through a lot like graduations, first jobs, depressives states, euphoric states, just-meh states, will-we/won't-we madness, leaving-cleaving dealings, increasing medical school debt and a 2,800-mile move. Throughout that time, Ben hasn't been perfect, but he has been an incredible man to learn from. Below is a passage that, in my opinion, Ben really has in the core of his character.
Romans 12: 9, 16-21
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good...Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay says the Lord." To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Let me list the things I've learned from him in the context of this passage and relationships.
1) Arguing does not need to involve yelling and random tangents. I credit Ben a lot for our marriage's level of success at making decisions together and getting through conflicts. He strives to live peaceably with all. A simple practical thing he's taught me is he refrains from using "always" and "never" in an argument.
2) When I express my disappointment in something that he did, he immediately apologizes and acknowledges the hurt. He also fully acknowledges ways he could have avoided making the mistake, and reasons why he did (which are more than just excuses). It's because Ben lives out of the reality that he is not wise in his own sight.
3) On the flip side, Ben waits until later to tell me I've done something wrong. Unlike me, he has a lot of patience and can wait to address me when I'm ready to listen to him, not in the moment of hurt when I'm more likely to yell at him and he's less likely to be kind. This is definitely how he constantly heaps burning coals on my head...or in other words he's really good at overcoming evil with good :).
4) Having good boundaries is genuine love. And that's with me, with friends, with colleagues...he is just naturally blessed with an ability to hold onto what is good, and know that its worth guarding even in the worst temptations. Sure it can come out of just a love of himself (like guarding himself from vulnerability), but also a love for others and love for good itself. I would ask him why he never dated anyone else, while obviously entrenched in a culture that constantly idolizes romance. He has said that it was partly because he was afraid...but also partly because he just knew he wanted to be conservative about it. And every step of the way, he was (no thanks to me...). He had a vision for the kind of exclusivity in marriage he wanted, and that really drove his decisions in dating. And thanks to that, this is a vision we both enjoy now.
Of course, Ben can be incredibly selfish and sinful. He is a wretched man who needs the saving grace of Jesus. But I just wanted to announce on this day of 5 years of being with him, that out of all the men I have known I think Ben is THE best man. The above are just a few reasons. And I think it's incredible that I'm actually married to the best man I've ever known. Literally as a 22 year old and now as a 27 year old, if I had to choose who to marry out of everyone in the world, I would still choose Ben.
Romans 12: 9, 16-21
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good...Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay says the Lord." To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Let me list the things I've learned from him in the context of this passage and relationships.
1) Arguing does not need to involve yelling and random tangents. I credit Ben a lot for our marriage's level of success at making decisions together and getting through conflicts. He strives to live peaceably with all. A simple practical thing he's taught me is he refrains from using "always" and "never" in an argument.
2) When I express my disappointment in something that he did, he immediately apologizes and acknowledges the hurt. He also fully acknowledges ways he could have avoided making the mistake, and reasons why he did (which are more than just excuses). It's because Ben lives out of the reality that he is not wise in his own sight.
3) On the flip side, Ben waits until later to tell me I've done something wrong. Unlike me, he has a lot of patience and can wait to address me when I'm ready to listen to him, not in the moment of hurt when I'm more likely to yell at him and he's less likely to be kind. This is definitely how he constantly heaps burning coals on my head...or in other words he's really good at overcoming evil with good :).
4) Having good boundaries is genuine love. And that's with me, with friends, with colleagues...he is just naturally blessed with an ability to hold onto what is good, and know that its worth guarding even in the worst temptations. Sure it can come out of just a love of himself (like guarding himself from vulnerability), but also a love for others and love for good itself. I would ask him why he never dated anyone else, while obviously entrenched in a culture that constantly idolizes romance. He has said that it was partly because he was afraid...but also partly because he just knew he wanted to be conservative about it. And every step of the way, he was (no thanks to me...). He had a vision for the kind of exclusivity in marriage he wanted, and that really drove his decisions in dating. And thanks to that, this is a vision we both enjoy now.
Of course, Ben can be incredibly selfish and sinful. He is a wretched man who needs the saving grace of Jesus. But I just wanted to announce on this day of 5 years of being with him, that out of all the men I have known I think Ben is THE best man. The above are just a few reasons. And I think it's incredible that I'm actually married to the best man I've ever known. Literally as a 22 year old and now as a 27 year old, if I had to choose who to marry out of everyone in the world, I would still choose Ben.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
New People
I think most aspects about being in a new city generally excite me. But one of the things that gives me the most anxiety in any situation where I'm the new kid, is meeting new people. I've got some baggage with that, but generally it's the irrational sense I have that I'm never going to be that interesting to a person I've just met. That it really would take more than a few conversations before you get to a Xaris that seems enjoyable to know and talk to. I've always had this. My experience growing up as a fat/immigrant girl in a largely white suburban context did not help my confidence nor my social skills in this area. I say this to stress that I believe it is to the point that it debilitates my life sometimes.
Recently, I watched this documentary (http://www.hulu.com/watch/337439) on Bill Withers, writer of Just the Two of Us, Lean on Me, Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone. Apparently, he has a stutter. Around minute 47, he gives a little speech to kids who have stutters too. It's really worth watching just that one minute, but I'll attempt to paraphrase. He talks about meeting some famous people and immediately going back to a place of fear as someone laughs a little at his stutter. He then explains, that as people who are not understood a lot, we should approach people with a prepared forgiveness and to be more civil than most people. That we would be prepared to extend something to people that hasn't been extended to us.
When I saw this, my immediate reaction was, "Well of course, I ALWAYS have to do that with people." But then God punched me in the FACE with this passage from Isaiah 50:5-11 "The Lord God has opened my ear, and I was not rebellious; I turned not backward. I gave my back to those who strike, and my cheeks to those who pull out the beard; I hid not my face from disgrace and spitting. But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame. He who vindicates me is near. Who will contend with me? Let us stand up together. Who is my adversary? Let him come near to me. Behold, the Lord God helps me; who will declare me guilty? Behold, all of them will wear out like a garment; the moth will eat them up. Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. Behold, all you who kindle a fire, who equip yourselves with burning torches! Walk by the light of your fire, and by the torches that you have kindled! This you have from my hand: you shall lie down in torment."
I realized I don't really approach people with a prepared forgiveness, I approach people with prepared disappointment and fear expecting disgrace, which quickly turns to righteous anger. This anger, which is righteous, then leads me to become more inward and not allow myself to be vulnerable with the person, which is not righteous. In fact, this very action of being closed in fulfills my expectation that I will not be interesting to the person I've just met. This is at best unkind to people, and at worst at odds with what God has called me to do.
But this is hard! And I'm tempted to think, well why do I have to be the person who gives grace. I'm the one who experiences being marginalized and looked over. Then I remembered, it is precisely because of my deficiencies that Jesus died on the cross. It is precisely because of my sin that lead me to near death that Jesus went to death and back to get me. He has done the work, so it's not for me to kindle my fire, it is for me to walk in darkness without light and trust in the name of the Lord. The truth is I don't really have to spare the grace in my heart to give, it is the Lord's grace that compels me to give it freely.
Recently, I watched this documentary (http://www.hulu.com/watch/337439) on Bill Withers, writer of Just the Two of Us, Lean on Me, Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone. Apparently, he has a stutter. Around minute 47, he gives a little speech to kids who have stutters too. It's really worth watching just that one minute, but I'll attempt to paraphrase. He talks about meeting some famous people and immediately going back to a place of fear as someone laughs a little at his stutter. He then explains, that as people who are not understood a lot, we should approach people with a prepared forgiveness and to be more civil than most people. That we would be prepared to extend something to people that hasn't been extended to us.
When I saw this, my immediate reaction was, "Well of course, I ALWAYS have to do that with people." But then God punched me in the FACE with this passage from Isaiah 50:5-11 "The Lord God has opened my ear, and I was not rebellious; I turned not backward. I gave my back to those who strike, and my cheeks to those who pull out the beard; I hid not my face from disgrace and spitting. But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame. He who vindicates me is near. Who will contend with me? Let us stand up together. Who is my adversary? Let him come near to me. Behold, the Lord God helps me; who will declare me guilty? Behold, all of them will wear out like a garment; the moth will eat them up. Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the voice of his servant? Let him who walks in darkness has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. Behold, all you who kindle a fire, who equip yourselves with burning torches! Walk by the light of your fire, and by the torches that you have kindled! This you have from my hand: you shall lie down in torment."
I realized I don't really approach people with a prepared forgiveness, I approach people with prepared disappointment and fear expecting disgrace, which quickly turns to righteous anger. This anger, which is righteous, then leads me to become more inward and not allow myself to be vulnerable with the person, which is not righteous. In fact, this very action of being closed in fulfills my expectation that I will not be interesting to the person I've just met. This is at best unkind to people, and at worst at odds with what God has called me to do.
But this is hard! And I'm tempted to think, well why do I have to be the person who gives grace. I'm the one who experiences being marginalized and looked over. Then I remembered, it is precisely because of my deficiencies that Jesus died on the cross. It is precisely because of my sin that lead me to near death that Jesus went to death and back to get me. He has done the work, so it's not for me to kindle my fire, it is for me to walk in darkness without light and trust in the name of the Lord. The truth is I don't really have to spare the grace in my heart to give, it is the Lord's grace that compels me to give it freely.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Better Loser than a Winner
I've been a little sick, and for the first time in a long time, I can afford to stay home, because I have enough days to take that time off. Mainly because I've been working like a mad woman on this project. Worstly, the weekends I worked are apparently not even going to be reimbursed in any tangible way...but that's another subject entirely.
I watched Bridesmaids this weekend with one of my bestest friends and bridesmaids :). By the way it was as good as all the hype suggests. It was insanely hilarious. It's honestly a bad title though, since it was less about wedding madness and more about women friendships and all the insecurities and affirmations that go along with that. It kinda really affirms how without our friendships, especially the female ones, we easily become emotionally and spiritually dead. It's important within God's plan of community formation to have friendships that go deep.
Anyway, what weirded me out a little bit, was how much I kinda wish I was going through a crisis like the main character, Annie, does. I wish I was in a position that someone has to really slap me around to get my act together. In a lot of ways, I find myself to be a better loser than a winner.
I can honestly say I had no real friends until college. I'm not saying I was friendless, but my friends before then were friends out of survival. We had the same classes/interests/test scores, so I stuck around with them on social occasions so I could be as "normal" as possible. But it's not like I felt like anyone would want to hang out with me or me with them after school. This reverberates through to my life today, as I still get acute social anxiety when I'm going to a party or even just hanging out with some people. Even though it's painful to work through the fear (it's so silly fear of what? not being liked!), I'm more comfortable in this uphill battle.
Never would I have ever imagined that I'd be in a city like New York. I've lived here non-stop (except for week-2 week vacations) for almost 7 years now. On top of that, I would never have imagined that I would be so stable. I've stayed employed through one of the worst financial crises in history. I bitch and moan about my job, but man it's stable. Not only is it stable, but I'm thriving in it. I've been promoted twice, I get a good bonus, I have six months saved up. I support my husband. Even with all the politics I have to deal with, in general everyone at work likes me. Redeemer feels like my home church, and I've been there long enough to plant some roots and recognize the people around me, from babies to the more senior and the majority that is in between. I meet up with friends and they want to meet with me too. My husband is loving, kind, and cares about my character. If you told me this would happen, even just 4 years ago, I would find it very hard to believe. This is what I would've termed as being a winner.
Tim Keller had a sermon my freshman year about the two great tests of life. One test is when things are going really shitty, and one test is when everything is going really well for you. I remember him saying that the latter is the more dangerous one, since it leaves you less needy. Less needy means less room for Christ. On top of that, the Gospel teaches me that I'm both a loser saved by grace, and a winner wearing the righteousness of Christ.
Just like any sinner, I have my preferences on which side of the Gospel I want to emphasize in my life. Being a loser is clearer to me. I know better how to analyze my life and find the specific sins, and work through in counseling the solutions. I play the victim very well, and also the savior very well. Then I realize I'm saving myself, and then EVENTUALLY, find that the Lord has bound me up like a sheep and saved me despite myself. This is comfortable, this is normal based on the previous 2 decades of my life. Depression, anxiety, and trials are a gift from God.
But what about the place where things are going well. I feel I am in muddier waters. What is it like to live life in perpetual dependence on God, when the life of winning lulls you into thinking this is through the work you've done. Worst of all, it tempts you to think you're better than other people who can't seem to get it together.
Reading through the Bible is scary, when you're in a place where you are the opposite of the poor, orphaned, and the foreigner. It's like being the rich young man who comes to Christ and asks how to get into the Kingdom of God. Jesus turns to him and tells him to follow all the commandments. The young guy says, of course I do that! Then Jesus tells him to give away all his riches, and to follow Him. Then the young guy turns away utterly dejected. Whenever I read passages like this, I feel like Jesus is talking right at me, and I feel rather dejected. It's like he tells me, what are you doing to empower the disempowered, lift up the oppressed, and pour out your wealth to those who have none? This isn't just about tithing anymore (which is this box we all check anyway), it's about what am I doing with my life to glorify God? This judgment is very real, and I clamor my way to the cross to repent and be still to receive the grace which is mine too.
Being blessed with all these good things in life in recent years yields more questions for me. Am I a better steward of His riches, or have I already received my reward on earth? These rewards include not just money, but other less thought of caches like power, time, friendship. I had a crisis recently about how hard it is to be a good friend. It was easier to be real when I was a loser, but it's less easy to be real when you have much more to lose. No wonder people fondly dream of the college years, when there was definitely less to lose.
Anyway, this is complicated. And Tim Keller (AGAIN, I know..) gave this illustration in yesterday's sermon about wisdom. God made this world good, and with a created order, on top of that we are fallen and everything is ruined, but on top of that we are redeemed and God is working RIGHT NOW in this fallen world. To be wise, you not only need to know that there are things you definitely should do (order and laws in the world), and that sometimes things are worst than ever (fallen world), but all of that is part of God's plan and He ultimately works good through it (redemption). They need to exist together, because life is complex, and to think otherwise means you are a fool.
I guess I'll end this on a high note..sort of :). I'm a sucker for hymns keyed in minor. I don't know what it is, but it's the complexity of the soaring words of the hymn plus the melancholy minor makes it more real to me. Favorite verse is the following:
Come, ye weary heavy laden, lost and ruined by the fall. If you tarry till you're better, you will never come at all. I will arise and go to Jesus, He will embrace me in His arms. In the arms of my dear Savior, oh, there are ten thousand charms.
We are all winners and losers that need Jesus. When you feel like a winner, be assured that you are a loser, and when you feel like a loser, be encouraged that you are a winner.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Age of Not Believing
Speaking of dreams, this Disney song always seems relevant in life. Unlike what the movie seems to suggest, I think I'm always at an age of not believing. Just like most Disney songs, it's filled with half-truths, but I enjoy its sentiment.
I so enjoy how short and simple it really is.
It's weird to think about how different life is now from two years ago. I feel like there's never enough time to think, never enough time to just sit here and not do anything. I live far from an idle life, yet it seems like I do. I just really don't know what happens with my day, and it's disconcerting to feel that way, when I don't feel like I'm doing anything worthwhile. And it's not like anything is complicated, it's in fact a lot simpler now. It's such a weird funk.
I so enjoy how short and simple it really is.
It's weird to think about how different life is now from two years ago. I feel like there's never enough time to think, never enough time to just sit here and not do anything. I live far from an idle life, yet it seems like I do. I just really don't know what happens with my day, and it's disconcerting to feel that way, when I don't feel like I'm doing anything worthwhile. And it's not like anything is complicated, it's in fact a lot simpler now. It's such a weird funk.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Dreams
It's been awhile since I've really blogged. And I think my writing may have suffered for it.
I've been thinking about dreams lately. Allow me to process.
Ever since I got married, my dream life (as in when I'm asleep) has been very, very active. I think it has a lot to do with not having the "second commute" of going from somewhere in Manhattan (downtown, midtown, or Washington Heights) to Astoria after a full night. I've been sleeping well enough, better than any other time of my life. I dream about work A LOT. A lot of the time it's me thinking over a problem over and over again in my dreams, but then I wake up and realize it didn't make sense at all or it wasn't even all that helpful. I also dream about wacky situations with people I love. None of the dreams are necessarily good...I can't recall the last time I really had a good dream.
On the other hand, it's been weird to be "living in a dream" (as in my waking life). I think if I sit down and count the number of things I've always wanted and now have, I'd realize what an ingrate I am. In a lot of ways the dreams I had as a child are very much true in my life now, even the dreams I was too scared to admit I had for fear that I'd never get it. An attractive husband who loves God and loves me, a stable job (we'll get to that), family and friends who care for me and I can count on, a church I've committed to and made roots in, a great apartment in the middle of a really cool city, a car, the lifestyle I maintain with all the food, theater, entertainment...it's rather odd to me, just the idea that I've suddenly become an outwardly (well really WORLDLY) successful adult person. Sure I wanted it! But I would not have believed this was possible, even just 4 years ago.
20-year-old me would proclaim that I was living in a dream. It's rather nuanced this idea of dreams though. It does not satisfy, it does not fulfill, and nor should it. The thing is, because I never thought that my greatest hopes and dreams would come true, I really played that down as a child, resulting in me being a dysfunctional dreamer. I had a very hard time answering the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", because I really didn't know what to aim for. I was just pushing through the short term, good or bad as it was, feeling like I'd ultimately not achieve much of anything, and I was preparing my heart for failure.
Now that I'm in a dream fulfilled, and of course I being a sinner in a sinful world am not satisfied. Well then, maybe I should dream for something else. What could it be? Greater comfort, greater wealth...are these things really greater? Won't they fail me once again and I will again want more? With these thoughts before me, I don't know how to dream. The Bible points to the need to dream and work for the Second Coming, when all will be restored and made right and God's people will reside with him in a city that's apparently a ginormous cube...but so often is this an ethereal thing. Not concrete enough to build on. My humanity creates barriers to understanding the impact and magnitude to my everyday life.
Ben is a really good foil for me on this. He's wanted to be a doctor since he was a kid. Though it's not like his road has been unwavering and straight (there have been many second, third, and millionth thoughts on whether this is the right path), he's pretty much been on a path toward where he is now and we hope in God that he continues down this path. Maybe he'll be a doctor in NYC, maybe he'll be a doctor in the suburbs, maybe he'll be doing missional work, who knows, but the main dream is to become a doctor. It's really neat when you think about it. I mean, what a cool dream!
I didn't and still don't have a dream like that. A dream that tangible, basic, and easy to communicate. Because of this, I think it's very easy for people to talk to him about his working world, and in essence his dreams. It's natural for him to tell people about him learning about what ails people and him helping people get better as a daily part of his work. I hear enough and understand enough from him that I know why people like talking to him about it. It doesn't stop me from feeling like a lesser part of our couplehood when I don't have a real concrete answer to "How's work doing?". I am partly to blame also because I honestly don't even have an "elevator speech" much more able to communicate very well about what I do. Nevermind knowing how to talk about dreams I don't have, except the little ones that don't mean anything. I lose momentum in a conversation, and Ben is readily there to talk more about his dreams. I'm laying it out here to have anyone reading this as a sounding board. I think it's just a cultural reality that professions that are revered like medicine draw a lot more attention and awe than something like finance...especially nowadays.
I don't really know where I was going with all that. I just know that there's something more to be had in this life than I have now. And it's such a danger to go looking for it in the idols of sex, power and money, which ultimately is all I ever dream about to be perfectly honest. Dreams really reveal what a person's idols are. The same goes with their worst nightmares. Not admitting to my dreams means not confessing my true desires, which is really just avoiding repentance. I forget what has lead me to a great measure of peace is repentance, and repentance is my road to complete shalom where longing has no place. But it's very hard to keep reminding yourself that in the light there is no shame.Friday, February 12, 2010
Back to the familiar yet very different
It's been a tumultuous 2 weeks for me at work. I've been on the bench since I left the previous client end of January. Generally, this means being put to work on small tasks that need to be done for my company, but also freaking out about where you're going next and about how your next interview is going to go. I was lucky enough to only go through 2 interviews and am going back to the first client I had in Jersey City, but on a very different project. I'll be working more as a Project Lead, meaning holding and chairing meetings, making a project plan, writing specifications documents, and generally making sure everyone is doing what they're supposed to do. It's beyond everything I've ever done, and the environment there is not very project friendly either. People drag their feet, there's lots of politics. I was terrified of the interviews because I felt this guilt that I wasn't able to do what they were talking about. If ya'll remember, I didn't do much at this client, and I was playing out scenarios in my head of being exposed as a fraud, an idiot, someone completely incompetent. I felt like crying numerous times, especially when I was just sitting in an office with barely anything to do and it's all I could think about.
During that time, God was definitely trying to speak to me. Ben counseled me well and was brave to wave through the emotional mess. There were random resources that showed up like when Scott Sauls tweeted: "A guilty conscience is more terrified by imagined dangers, than a pure conscience is by real ones (John Flavel)" I realized that I was scared because of guilt. I realized that as a child of God, I have nothing to be ashamed of, and that even the worse of myself won't come up in any interview ever in my life, but the Lord of the universe would always know, and always accept me. It's also revealing to me how much I don't hear or listen to God Himself and I cling to the lesser things that he speaks through. Obviously, that has to change.
At the same time, my internal manager was bringing up somethings from the previous client. He was saying how I wasn't performing as well as another co-worker. This really bummed me out, because the other co-worker was crazy about work, to the point of idolatry. She came in at 8:15am and left at 7pm-7:30pm (at least!) daily and partied with the client every week. There's nothing wrong with these things in moderation, but I DID NOT want to be like her. And I was trying to be as honest as I could with my manager about how unfair this felt especially since the review was during the ramp up to my wedding. But he was abrupt and harsh and rebutted on certain things I said without acknowledging the points I conceded to, which I'm not used to from him. It sucks that it had to all happen with email, which is the brunt of the problem, I guess. He's off somewhere at a client, I can't just walk into his office and talk. He usually loves me. I usually trust his judgment. That's been broken now, and I'm not sure how to proceed. This guy is in charge of my development and is the person who makes suggestions to the partners about my raise, my bonus, my promotion or lack thereof. It's all very similar to sanctification, without the safety and love of the covenant. I felt even more exposed and incompetent. Again, I felt like quitting. Ben made a good point saying that it was very stereotypically male. "Just suck it up!" was what I felt like he was saying, without acknowledging anything reasonable nor emotional. That's just really dissatisfying from someone who wields a lot of power over you. It's also not the best way to motivate me nor gain my obedience. It's so different from Jesus. Not that that's surprising, just that it will be a frustration from my work, I think, for the rest of my corporate life. Corporate America was built by men for men for a majority of its existence, it's a real challenge to break through that.
It's funny that while I was waiting to hear back from this client, I was given a little carrot. They setup an interview with Barclays, which would've been in an old Lehman building 5 blocks from home. The same building I thought I'd work in for Internal Audit. And they were looking for someone with good Excel skills. The manager was pilipino. It would've been a slam dunk for me, but obviously God had other plans. Plans that are more challenging, but probably more rewarding.
Having said all that, below are the things I'm looking forward to:
-Having my personal space and my own cubicle again
-Having access to a mall when I need to go to a mall...as well as Target
-Eating at a Food Court for my Friday lunches
-Taking the PATH train, the most reliable train system I've used to date
-Longer commute (than just going to 23rd St) actually means more reading for me!
-The commute still only 30 minutes!!! AMAZING!
During that time, God was definitely trying to speak to me. Ben counseled me well and was brave to wave through the emotional mess. There were random resources that showed up like when Scott Sauls tweeted: "A guilty conscience is more terrified by imagined dangers, than a pure conscience is by real ones (John Flavel)" I realized that I was scared because of guilt. I realized that as a child of God, I have nothing to be ashamed of, and that even the worse of myself won't come up in any interview ever in my life, but the Lord of the universe would always know, and always accept me. It's also revealing to me how much I don't hear or listen to God Himself and I cling to the lesser things that he speaks through. Obviously, that has to change.
At the same time, my internal manager was bringing up somethings from the previous client. He was saying how I wasn't performing as well as another co-worker. This really bummed me out, because the other co-worker was crazy about work, to the point of idolatry. She came in at 8:15am and left at 7pm-7:30pm (at least!) daily and partied with the client every week. There's nothing wrong with these things in moderation, but I DID NOT want to be like her. And I was trying to be as honest as I could with my manager about how unfair this felt especially since the review was during the ramp up to my wedding. But he was abrupt and harsh and rebutted on certain things I said without acknowledging the points I conceded to, which I'm not used to from him. It sucks that it had to all happen with email, which is the brunt of the problem, I guess. He's off somewhere at a client, I can't just walk into his office and talk. He usually loves me. I usually trust his judgment. That's been broken now, and I'm not sure how to proceed. This guy is in charge of my development and is the person who makes suggestions to the partners about my raise, my bonus, my promotion or lack thereof. It's all very similar to sanctification, without the safety and love of the covenant. I felt even more exposed and incompetent. Again, I felt like quitting. Ben made a good point saying that it was very stereotypically male. "Just suck it up!" was what I felt like he was saying, without acknowledging anything reasonable nor emotional. That's just really dissatisfying from someone who wields a lot of power over you. It's also not the best way to motivate me nor gain my obedience. It's so different from Jesus. Not that that's surprising, just that it will be a frustration from my work, I think, for the rest of my corporate life. Corporate America was built by men for men for a majority of its existence, it's a real challenge to break through that.
It's funny that while I was waiting to hear back from this client, I was given a little carrot. They setup an interview with Barclays, which would've been in an old Lehman building 5 blocks from home. The same building I thought I'd work in for Internal Audit. And they were looking for someone with good Excel skills. The manager was pilipino. It would've been a slam dunk for me, but obviously God had other plans. Plans that are more challenging, but probably more rewarding.
Having said all that, below are the things I'm looking forward to:
-Having my personal space and my own cubicle again
-Having access to a mall when I need to go to a mall...as well as Target
-Eating at a Food Court for my Friday lunches
-Taking the PATH train, the most reliable train system I've used to date
-Longer commute (than just going to 23rd St) actually means more reading for me!
-The commute still only 30 minutes!!! AMAZING!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Marriage Lesson Number 1 for Xaris
"22Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. 23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." - Colossians 3:22-24
We all know how this passage has been used for evil and injustice in the past. And it's really too bad, because I feel like whenever it's brought up, it's tainted with that. But that's the work of the enemy, and we must overcome the evil because we are the sons and daughters of a victorious God. And on that note...
My gracious husband brought this verse to mind for me in these last few somewhat tumultuous work weeks. It's strange that work and faith issues should come up only now and so suspiciously right after beginning a new life, a new normal and getting over other issues (clearly wedding, family, relationships related...and still there, just not prominent). But I guess that's how God wants it to be right now - obvious.
I had a less than stellar year-end review, which would usually not be so devastating for me, a decidedly above average but not too overachieving kind of person. Unfortunately, my work knows my potential too well, and despite having a perfect record of completing projects and giving the client what they want, they knew I could do better...and told me so, which is their job after all. I would've been promoted again this year, but didn't make the cut because of this (btw this was a bigger deal than last year's promotion because I would start managing people at the Senior Business Analyst level). There are lots of reasons of course, but the main ones being I was planning a wedding and I don't really prioritize work.
Somehow, this review felt different from all the B's I've gotten from good ol' Stern that made me feel subpar. For one thing, I was viewing work differently.
Ben and I have always talked freely about money as it related to heart issues and the practical workings of our individual finances. And our transition to one unit is probably much smoother than a couple who'd never even talked about it before. Just like anything though, you really don't know what you're talking about until it's actually happening to you. I thought a lot about the consequences of marrying someone who doesn't have an income. Being the woman AND the sole income earner for a family of 2 in NYC. My money is now really not just my money. Aside from accountability with how I spend it, there is now an implicit accountability to how I earn it. Yes, we depend on my income and employment, which doesn't necessarily mean a dependence on just me (more like a dependence on the gifts of God) but that doesn't mean I can ignore how this correlates to my performance. What if I were to lose my job today? This thought means something more real and different now than it did when I was single. Before, I would survive on savings, maybe ask my parents for money, maybe move to Jersey City for awhile if it really got down to it...but now I can't just go and do those things. I have not felt as insecure about my job since I didn't have one lined up my Senior year at NYU. Even through the financial crisis, I felt like I was in this little bubble of safety, working for banks without being an employee of one, being seen as revenue instead of cost minimizing, it was the last of my fearful thoughts. Now, I feel the pressure, even when it's not being applied, that I have to do well because someone else depends on me.
Now, I have to care about what work thinks of me and how I'm performing. There's a bad way to do it of course, but there's the elusive good, God-fearing, honoring way. The way that actually loves and serves people. The way that uses the standards of the kingdom of God not the broken, worldly standards of greed and ambition. I'm not just talking about loving people well, I'm talking about doing my job as excellently as I possibly can to make someone else's life easier, or to show that I care about what they care about. To be for the flourishing of the city. Because when the city prospers, I prosper. And in this time of financial vulnerability (which I didn't plan on for myself when I was single in post-graduate life...I did graduate from Stern after all, yes the arrogance of this is clear), I can find the lessons of complete reliance on my God who I don't believe has taken me this far just to leave me. He remains ever faithful and good. And I remain foolish if I think I can make plans without being flexible. If I think I know best how my life should go. I only have to look at how my life and how it has gone waaaaaaay past any dreams or goals I had for myself. I am not in charge, and that's a freeing experience to realize.
I went to a Financial Services Ministry event at Redeemer, where they appropriately talked about the parable of the talents. It's such an accessible parable, but it really has some powerful implications...much like any of Jesus's parables really. Notice that every servant is given a different amount of talents, because God knows what we ultimately can handle. The 2 talent guy and the 5 talent guy both increased their profits 100%. Notice too that no one lost anything, it's either you didn't do anything with your talent and got yelled at or you gained an unbelievable amount for the Master. The kingdom of God is the perfect investment, there's nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Either way, the servants were just stewards of what they'd been given.
So I've been put as a "slave" here on earth, as a worker, as a business analyst. I will do the work I have been given because it will ultimately please my true Master and Lord. I will do it with all the talents I've been given and not be like that 1 talent guy in the parable who just buries it in the ground. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain, by serving in my work. It is for Him that I work, not my manager, not my husband. This life is just a gift.
It isn't easy to live this out, but I'm excited by the possibility of growth.
Disclaimer: It isn't lost on me that Ben and I are in a much better financial situation than a lot of people in NYC or the world for that matter. The lifestyle we live would probably be called excessive in most developing countries. It's a social problem, and I plan on being part of the solution in different ways. But hopefully you all know what I mean by financial vulnerability.
We all know how this passage has been used for evil and injustice in the past. And it's really too bad, because I feel like whenever it's brought up, it's tainted with that. But that's the work of the enemy, and we must overcome the evil because we are the sons and daughters of a victorious God. And on that note...
My gracious husband brought this verse to mind for me in these last few somewhat tumultuous work weeks. It's strange that work and faith issues should come up only now and so suspiciously right after beginning a new life, a new normal and getting over other issues (clearly wedding, family, relationships related...and still there, just not prominent). But I guess that's how God wants it to be right now - obvious.
I had a less than stellar year-end review, which would usually not be so devastating for me, a decidedly above average but not too overachieving kind of person. Unfortunately, my work knows my potential too well, and despite having a perfect record of completing projects and giving the client what they want, they knew I could do better...and told me so, which is their job after all. I would've been promoted again this year, but didn't make the cut because of this (btw this was a bigger deal than last year's promotion because I would start managing people at the Senior Business Analyst level). There are lots of reasons of course, but the main ones being I was planning a wedding and I don't really prioritize work.
Somehow, this review felt different from all the B's I've gotten from good ol' Stern that made me feel subpar. For one thing, I was viewing work differently.
Ben and I have always talked freely about money as it related to heart issues and the practical workings of our individual finances. And our transition to one unit is probably much smoother than a couple who'd never even talked about it before. Just like anything though, you really don't know what you're talking about until it's actually happening to you. I thought a lot about the consequences of marrying someone who doesn't have an income. Being the woman AND the sole income earner for a family of 2 in NYC. My money is now really not just my money. Aside from accountability with how I spend it, there is now an implicit accountability to how I earn it. Yes, we depend on my income and employment, which doesn't necessarily mean a dependence on just me (more like a dependence on the gifts of God) but that doesn't mean I can ignore how this correlates to my performance. What if I were to lose my job today? This thought means something more real and different now than it did when I was single. Before, I would survive on savings, maybe ask my parents for money, maybe move to Jersey City for awhile if it really got down to it...but now I can't just go and do those things. I have not felt as insecure about my job since I didn't have one lined up my Senior year at NYU. Even through the financial crisis, I felt like I was in this little bubble of safety, working for banks without being an employee of one, being seen as revenue instead of cost minimizing, it was the last of my fearful thoughts. Now, I feel the pressure, even when it's not being applied, that I have to do well because someone else depends on me.
Now, I have to care about what work thinks of me and how I'm performing. There's a bad way to do it of course, but there's the elusive good, God-fearing, honoring way. The way that actually loves and serves people. The way that uses the standards of the kingdom of God not the broken, worldly standards of greed and ambition. I'm not just talking about loving people well, I'm talking about doing my job as excellently as I possibly can to make someone else's life easier, or to show that I care about what they care about. To be for the flourishing of the city. Because when the city prospers, I prosper. And in this time of financial vulnerability (which I didn't plan on for myself when I was single in post-graduate life...I did graduate from Stern after all, yes the arrogance of this is clear), I can find the lessons of complete reliance on my God who I don't believe has taken me this far just to leave me. He remains ever faithful and good. And I remain foolish if I think I can make plans without being flexible. If I think I know best how my life should go. I only have to look at how my life and how it has gone waaaaaaay past any dreams or goals I had for myself. I am not in charge, and that's a freeing experience to realize.
I went to a Financial Services Ministry event at Redeemer, where they appropriately talked about the parable of the talents. It's such an accessible parable, but it really has some powerful implications...much like any of Jesus's parables really. Notice that every servant is given a different amount of talents, because God knows what we ultimately can handle. The 2 talent guy and the 5 talent guy both increased their profits 100%. Notice too that no one lost anything, it's either you didn't do anything with your talent and got yelled at or you gained an unbelievable amount for the Master. The kingdom of God is the perfect investment, there's nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Either way, the servants were just stewards of what they'd been given.
So I've been put as a "slave" here on earth, as a worker, as a business analyst. I will do the work I have been given because it will ultimately please my true Master and Lord. I will do it with all the talents I've been given and not be like that 1 talent guy in the parable who just buries it in the ground. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain, by serving in my work. It is for Him that I work, not my manager, not my husband. This life is just a gift.
It isn't easy to live this out, but I'm excited by the possibility of growth.
Disclaimer: It isn't lost on me that Ben and I are in a much better financial situation than a lot of people in NYC or the world for that matter. The lifestyle we live would probably be called excessive in most developing countries. It's a social problem, and I plan on being part of the solution in different ways. But hopefully you all know what I mean by financial vulnerability.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Prayer
Ben and I recently started this Redeemer class called on the "Psalms of David" which is taught by Marty Young, a ridic teacher. I've never had access to someone who could give a satisfying answer to a gamut of hard questions about the Bible. I've taken a few of his classes before on "Becoming Wise" which is about wisdom literature in the Bible and the "Resurrection" which changed the way I thought about the Resurrection. Mainly, I've come to really appreciate his classes because of both the structure and chaos it brings. Structure because there is at least a certain area we can talk about, but chaos in how surprising it is, and how it makes me think, WOW, I don't really know God or the Word at all do I?! Sometimes you really need that jolt of reality that really communicates the raw offensiveness of the Word of God for sinners like us. If it stops being offensive, I've made a false god that molds to my thoughts and wants instead of the real God who challenges my idols and molds me to His image (WHOA!).
Anyhoo, so Marty talked about how Biblical prayer is not praying for things or means to things, it's all about praying for the will of God. When we pray for something, what exactly are we praying for? What is the object of my prayer? Is the object of my prayer God? To be quite honest, I RARELY pray because of God. Most of the time, I'm praying because I feel bad and I want to feel good again. It was so convicting seeing how rampant this was in my life. For example, I may be praying for work or wisdom at my job, but why? For His glory? NO usually it's for my own glory, so that I get a promotion and a bonus down the road, so that I can feel like I'm doing something. Even asking for absolutely good things like an apartment for Ben and I, or good weather on our wedding day is not Biblical if the reason behind it is for my own comfort, joy, peace, etc. Which absolutely makes sense if you sat down and thought about it, but I am so blind to the dealings of my heart. Do I really love God for God, which is the love God asks for, or do I love Him because of the stuff I get out of Him? Do I love God because He is good, or is it because He's good to me?
Loving God because He's good to me is not a bad thing of course, it just shouldn't be the only reason why. How weird would it be to say that I love Ben because of all the things he does for me, but never really pay attention to who he is and what he likes and loves?
Now, Marty said something regarding these un-Biblical prayers, that I don't know what to think about quite yet. He said that they are all unheard, not just unanswered, but unheard. His reasoning was that because God is so holy, he doesn't let things that are not holy into his presence. However, I think about how the Holy Spirit is our intercessor, and our prayers are heard through faith in Christ Jesus who is most righteous and holy. I wish he had given some more backing to this, but then, no one really pushed him on this issue (probably because everyone was feeling the conviction of what he just said about 90% of the prayers out there), and I hope it comes up again.
To further this point though, I think the main thing is just recognizing that even our very prayers are inadequate and are like dirty rags before the Father. But because the Son has died and rose again on our behalf, His righteousness is upon us and we must rely on Him for all things. We need to pray for His will to be done, not ours.
Anyhoo, so Marty talked about how Biblical prayer is not praying for things or means to things, it's all about praying for the will of God. When we pray for something, what exactly are we praying for? What is the object of my prayer? Is the object of my prayer God? To be quite honest, I RARELY pray because of God. Most of the time, I'm praying because I feel bad and I want to feel good again. It was so convicting seeing how rampant this was in my life. For example, I may be praying for work or wisdom at my job, but why? For His glory? NO usually it's for my own glory, so that I get a promotion and a bonus down the road, so that I can feel like I'm doing something. Even asking for absolutely good things like an apartment for Ben and I, or good weather on our wedding day is not Biblical if the reason behind it is for my own comfort, joy, peace, etc. Which absolutely makes sense if you sat down and thought about it, but I am so blind to the dealings of my heart. Do I really love God for God, which is the love God asks for, or do I love Him because of the stuff I get out of Him? Do I love God because He is good, or is it because He's good to me?
Loving God because He's good to me is not a bad thing of course, it just shouldn't be the only reason why. How weird would it be to say that I love Ben because of all the things he does for me, but never really pay attention to who he is and what he likes and loves?
Now, Marty said something regarding these un-Biblical prayers, that I don't know what to think about quite yet. He said that they are all unheard, not just unanswered, but unheard. His reasoning was that because God is so holy, he doesn't let things that are not holy into his presence. However, I think about how the Holy Spirit is our intercessor, and our prayers are heard through faith in Christ Jesus who is most righteous and holy. I wish he had given some more backing to this, but then, no one really pushed him on this issue (probably because everyone was feeling the conviction of what he just said about 90% of the prayers out there), and I hope it comes up again.
To further this point though, I think the main thing is just recognizing that even our very prayers are inadequate and are like dirty rags before the Father. But because the Son has died and rose again on our behalf, His righteousness is upon us and we must rely on Him for all things. We need to pray for His will to be done, not ours.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Update!
It has been a good long while, and much has happened it feels like. When I was forcing myself to write everyday, I really did have a bloggers mind. I would have profound (in my view ^_^) thoughts and immediately start forming a beginning, middle, and end of a blog post. I think I really did become a bit better at writing. Once in a while, I'll think about writing a post, but literally have no clue when I would do that. Except for the wedding blogs (which I usually just rush through anyway), I haven't really kept up with my friends' blog or Google Reader. It's unfortunate, and I think I really do feel the lack in connectedness. Anyway...some bullets on what's been going on:
Wedding Shtuff
- Wedding planning has been simultaneously relaxed and scary. I decided on a lot of things very early on, making it more of a lull at the moment. But already the details of what's actually needs to happen is encroaching. In the end, the things that make it stressful are the things that arise out of the planning, nothing to do with colors, style, or logistics. Maybe it's my own sins, maybe it's Ben's, maybe it's our families'. Mostly though, it becomes painfully obvious how different Ben and I operate, making working together rough going, which is relatively new for us considering how smoothly everything else we've worked on has gone (e.g. Navs leadership). Yes, we are planners and are very organized individuals, but the nuances of how this is executed is different. On the whole though, this is a good thing and engagement is exactly that time when such things start being wrestled with and accepted.
- I've been having odd thoughts about my wedding dress. I think I'm largely over it now, but I really was struggling with loving my dress...and I never really thought I'd be that kind of a girl. It was the first dress I tried on. It's kinda an awkward, "I like you, but...I don't know if you're the one." I finally put pictures of it on my phone, and I think that's helped in some odd way to look at it all the time....I know, it's just a dress, an object, I'm weirded out too.
Health
- So I gots to get a colonoscopy next month. It was a bit jarring because of a number of factors, a big one being that I have absolutely not days off left for the year because of the wedding and honeymoon. I just need to take that day as unpaid leave, which isn't such a big deal, but I just hate having so little time off. Being a consultant can be so challenging, as they really count the hours you work.
Work
- I've been busy, and it's been somewhat fun, somewhat stressful. The people I share a tiny office with (including my manager) are fun to be around. There are days when we constantly sing random songs all day, all three of us. We all refer to the same movies and the same SNL skits. It's radically different from my previous project. I'm definitely more stressed though, and challenged more everyday. I've been given more responsibility in that I'm actually the only person on my current project and loosely managed by Josh (current manager's name). I speak with people in London mostly....I've been drinking some sort of caffeine on a daily basis. It's weird to work so hard, in an environment like this. I find myself missing thinking about other things aside from finance products, processes, systems and calculations.
That's a quick overview I guess. I hope to write more later!
Wedding Shtuff
- Wedding planning has been simultaneously relaxed and scary. I decided on a lot of things very early on, making it more of a lull at the moment. But already the details of what's actually needs to happen is encroaching. In the end, the things that make it stressful are the things that arise out of the planning, nothing to do with colors, style, or logistics. Maybe it's my own sins, maybe it's Ben's, maybe it's our families'. Mostly though, it becomes painfully obvious how different Ben and I operate, making working together rough going, which is relatively new for us considering how smoothly everything else we've worked on has gone (e.g. Navs leadership). Yes, we are planners and are very organized individuals, but the nuances of how this is executed is different. On the whole though, this is a good thing and engagement is exactly that time when such things start being wrestled with and accepted.
- I've been having odd thoughts about my wedding dress. I think I'm largely over it now, but I really was struggling with loving my dress...and I never really thought I'd be that kind of a girl. It was the first dress I tried on. It's kinda an awkward, "I like you, but...I don't know if you're the one." I finally put pictures of it on my phone, and I think that's helped in some odd way to look at it all the time....I know, it's just a dress, an object, I'm weirded out too.
Health
- So I gots to get a colonoscopy next month. It was a bit jarring because of a number of factors, a big one being that I have absolutely not days off left for the year because of the wedding and honeymoon. I just need to take that day as unpaid leave, which isn't such a big deal, but I just hate having so little time off. Being a consultant can be so challenging, as they really count the hours you work.
Work
- I've been busy, and it's been somewhat fun, somewhat stressful. The people I share a tiny office with (including my manager) are fun to be around. There are days when we constantly sing random songs all day, all three of us. We all refer to the same movies and the same SNL skits. It's radically different from my previous project. I'm definitely more stressed though, and challenged more everyday. I've been given more responsibility in that I'm actually the only person on my current project and loosely managed by Josh (current manager's name). I speak with people in London mostly....I've been drinking some sort of caffeine on a daily basis. It's weird to work so hard, in an environment like this. I find myself missing thinking about other things aside from finance products, processes, systems and calculations.
That's a quick overview I guess. I hope to write more later!
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