Thursday

I actually had some work to do today (well, I did it slowly with some face tagging on Picasa getting a whole bunch of my procrastination). Btw, the face recognizing technology picasa is on is amazing!! It was able to not only see where most pictures had faces, but was able to match A LOT of them to one another. It's really impressive. The more pixelated the picture though, the harder it is for it to recognize the face. Anyway, so no real blog today.

G1 and Woot Off!

Ok, so I was kind of distracted yesterday, reading everything I could about this phone, that I forgot to really tout why I think it's so cool. First of all, it would change my life. It's automatically connected to everything you've got on Google: Gmail, Gchat, Gtalk(which I've never used, but hey), Calendar, Contacts. As long as you've got only one username and password to deal with, this would streamline everything you organize your life with (ahem Mrs. Ziesel). Well...except for the budget, but really what fun is it to do Excel on a tiny thing like that. The beauty is, any updates you make on the phone, show up in your Google account seconds later. It is more like a very small laptop, by use and design. There's a keypad and a tracker ball on the right, which is a bit more intuitive for people used to how a computer works. And oh my goodness, I love the idea for Google maps. It has this compass thing so you can use streetview and the phone can figure out which direction you're facing and changes the screen as you move!! Talk about enhanced reality. Obviously, this means it has GPS. It's also usable on wireless hotspots, which would make it go faster (something the iPhone currently doesn't have), and this would especially help in a city like NY. It would run on Tmobile's 3G otherwise.

The thing is though, the Android interface has been open sourced so it's really up to the programmers of the world to figure out how to make this better. This model is much like the little gadgets you can put on your iGoogle and/or blogspot page. So maybe it can't do a budget now, but a budgeting program could be developed by some guy somewhere. And if the keyboard really bothers you, someone out there is going to figure out how to make an on screen one. Maybe someone will make the Lemmings game again, and I could play it on my G1 (oh how I miss those fools).

Btw, there's a Woot Off today (and there was one yesterday too). And I was sooooooo close to buying a Roomba today (a computer yesterday). Woot is this website that sells some gadgets for usually cheaper. It sells one thing a day usually and posts it at 1am of that day..and they usually sell out pretty early. But a woot off is when they sell several things a day. And they have a flat shipping rate of $5 whether it's an electric shaver or a flat screen TV.

But I can't afford anything. Seriously, I can't.

G1 HTC Dream

Check out this phone. I forget when I found out about it, but I immediately got super excited. I don't know what it is, perhaps it was because I was exposed to the wonders of telecommunications at a young age (I had a beeper by the time I was 13 years old..in case, you know...I had to go save the world or something. Probably helped that my mom worked for Motorola), but I seem to really lust over phones. It's not like I've owned the coolest phone ever either. I just hear about those cool phones they've got in every market but the US, and I long for it. Now, the innovation is finally hitting the States. I can't afford it though...no, Xaris, no!

Men at Work

So I work with a lot of men. I would say pretty much all my colleagues are middle-aged (re-)married/divorced/separated men with children. Of course, there are women on my floor and in this building, but I would say at every meeting, I am one of at most 2-3 women (and those women are based in NY not Jersey City). I was realizing recently how odd it is that this is probably the easiest part of the transition I've gotten used to. Maybe it's because of Stern being so male-dominated, but I'm completely comfortable (and even somewhat prefer) working with men. And these particular men all have that same self-deprecating, sarcastic, cynical point of view (at least this is how they portray themselves in the workplace). I think it's common being a professional in NYC when you're an over 30 year old man to put on this type of machismo that has both the inferiority and superiority complex going. Same tone of voice and inflection. The higher up and smarter you are, the kinder you can be...but no one ever really has that objectivity and that confidence about themselves. It's funny being able to sense the insecurity underneath and the overall unhappiness with life. The men walk around waiting for rejection, no matter how blessed they probably really are.

The only thing I am uncomfortable with is when they start chit-chatting about the way of the world. There's this one man who came into the project later. He's known as a genius for one of the systems we need to deal with, yet he seems a little bit socially awkward. We've been instructed that he never be in a meeting with certain higher ups. Otherwise, really he seems like a normal human being. He just likes to talk A LOT. And he has no tact in talking about things that he doesn't realize would piss some people (namely me) off. He likes to just say whatever his opinion is, and there's never any room for anyone to go against him without being awkward. I thank God that he doesn't really find me stimulating enough to talk to (honestly, it's because I don't know how to tell him I completely disagree with him). This is especially true when he talks about marriage. He talks about how this modern age where both sexes work has ruined the system of marriage and how family is "supposed" to work. He says before people "had to stay together", but now it's just impossible. I take issue with this, being raised by two working parents who have been going at it for 31 years, despite such a rough beginning. Maybe I agree that it's harder to take care of children, but I completely disagree that because it is now inconvenient to be married and working, then that's more reason to give up. Convenience and circumstance really shouldn't have anything to do with it. Ugh, I'd hate to get married without any real sense of what it's really for and of the God who created it.

Goats in Trees

I think my brain is currently so unstimulated that I start to want to find meaning in the oddest of things. I was looking out my window this morning and I started looking for patterns in the leaves of a tree. I saw a cute, fat, hairy goat, and giggled because the wind was making it look like it was walking....yeah.

I hate how cold it's getting. I needed to whip out this comforter I "borrowed" from Grant (which turns out to be Ben's anyway...typical) this morning. And I think I woke up early because I was cold. I hate pants, a lot! It's probably the only reason why I think I could really ever move back home, the weather.

But then, the cold reminds me of good things that happen in the Fall. Namely, my birthday, Thanksgiving, happy New York Christmas season, and respite from the cold going to AZ.

What Yelling the Truth at Yourself Accomplishes

"All The Trees Of The Field Will Clap Their Hands" - Sufjan Stevens
If I am alive this time next year Will I have arrived in time to share? Mine is about as good this far/ I'm still applied to what you are And I'm joining all my thoughts to you And I'm preparing every part for you/ I heard from the trees a great parade And I heard from the hills a band was made Will I be invited to the sound? Will I be a part of what you've made?/ And I am throwing all my thoughts away And I'm destroying every bet I've made And I am joining all my thoughts to you And I'm preparing every part for you

I've owned this song for a few years now (and have had it in my iPod all that time), and I honestly never really listened to what it was saying. It's weird that in conjunction with everything going on in the market (the loss of hope, the panic, the fear), is when I get to the head of the beast that I'm dealing with and oh like in a video game, the mega boss is harder than I thought and I'm using everything I have to throw at it. Well, I choose Hope damn it! I choose Love! I choose to be loved by God, to be taken, pruned, cherished by Him. To commit myself to Him.

"The energy you could spend on a life that reflects the sacredness and dignity of God gave to you is instead spent in chaotic, circular patterns that go nowhere." From a (free!) weekly newsletter I get from Committed To Freedom that Andrea is involved with. They're also the ones who give the seminars at Redeemer every year in July, which I've been to as well.

Reading Redeeming Love, it's interesting to see myself in both the prostitute and the farmer. I always remember what Justin Moffat had said about how interesting is it that Jesus always rebukes the strong and encourages the weak, and how we're both at the same time. People are just complicated.

"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming." - Helen Keller (also from Committed To Freedom)

Hobbies while at work (I'm such a multitasker)

I started reading Redeeming Love and stopped reading Dandelion Wine, because it was getting kind of boring. One really has to be in the mood to be in the suspended reality of Ray Bradbury. So far reading it reminds me of She's Come Undone. It just starts out so depressingly sad and tragic, and it reminds me of my childhood. It makes you read quickly though, cause you just want to get to the redemption as quickly as possible. Not to mention, I borrowed it from the library, so there's a due date involved. I figure that makes me move along in a book faster (or ditch it when it gets too uninteresting). I love the library.

I've started doing origami at my desk. It is oddly satisfying. It forces some output from me. And in an effort to do this to myself, I think I'll have a blog post everyday. YES, everyday (well, business day). Even if all I can say is "Poop".

I've somewhat gotten used to not doing anything all day. Maybe a little too much, as when I suddenly get called into a meeting I didn't know about (because I'm never invited really), I have to get back in gear and figure out, wait, what's going on again, because I've been reading Google Reader and watching Hulu all day. It's really a vicious cycle as even when I learn about things, I just don't know what to do with it. And then again, I get days where I'm thinking about how everyone is talking/thinking about how I don't ever do anything around here. I'm sure it's mostly in my head, but the thought is humiliating as one can imagine. It feeds on lies that are readily accessible and easily creep up.

Lehman

It's times like these that I wonder what God is doing. It's times like these that I need to process. First of all, the practical and general observations. OMG, who would have known! Three of the five major independent broker/dealer houses of Wall St have all but disappeared and swallowed up by commercial banks in less than 7 months. No doubt about it, these are extreme times, and a new world order is emerging. It's as if there was a revolution and the South did win the Civil War and seceded. It's as if my grandparents divorced, but with world consequences. Commercial banks with reliable deposits are emerging as if the banks are just going back to basics. Lehman, a bank that was started in the 1800s (!), is gone. And of course, I take issue with any government bail out. I'm a taxpayer after all and I don't think billionaire's (which CEO Dick Fuld is one of, I used to dream about being his daughter) should be saved from their own friggin' mess, but the fact that the Fed chose to save others and just said no to Lehman makes it a decider of who lives and dies. That's an unfortunate position. And btw, Obama's comment about how this is Bush's fault gives him negative 1000 points from me. Either 1) he doesn't really understand how little the presidency has sway over the current problems we have, thus University of Chicago economics hasn't put a dent in him and he would be utterly unable to fix this specific problem, 2) he does understand, but is using this current crisis as an opportunity to put blame on the current administration, which is just dirty politics. I'd like him to show me how Bush had direct involvement with the bad bets the market has made on housing, and really what Bush could do to clean it up. And what a 2-year Democratic congress has done so far to ease the pain, when after all we were having an alright 5 years of recovery before that. They can't do much at all, and they shouldn't. Granted though, I do think it seems that Obama could make a difference for the middle class and small businesses, not for big businesses and rich people who would be more than fine either way. I read this article in the NY Times that showed how the rich have gotten richer about the same amount whether the president was a Democrat or a Republican, the real difference was for the middle class. No one sits around thinking, I'm not going to make more money because of the taxes, people try to make money whatever the consequence. It's the capitalist way! Unless capitalism falls and we suddenly become communists or another Great Depression happens, the government can do nothing about the larger market and its infrastructure. It's the freedom that people have fought and died for.

Now a smaller scale of the city. New York City will be hit hard. The job loss and loss of business presence of these once two major Wall St giants will result in smaller tax revenues and thus budget cuts in education, healthcare, transportation, etc. NYU is kinda microcosm of this. NYU is a great school with lots of amazing, top-notch arts and liberal arts programs. But NYU's largest donations come from Stern alumni. NYC is a city of culture, art, drama, etc., but it depends a lot on Wall St. to keep this city going. I don't know, maybe we'll be fine. Maybe some other huge company (aka Bank of America) will take over the huge hole that 745 7th Ave (Lehman HQ) will leave. They just have to change everything green to red. Not to mention the thousands of people who are losing their jobs, some of whom know and love....where will they go?

And we finally get to the personal. It was weird to find my tears welling up when I saw the pictures on the front page of the WSJ of all the angsty, frustrated, and devastated people that run "the markets". Though the markets really is the epitome of "chaff in the wind" as the Bible says, there are a lot of people out there collectively going through the tearing down of their idols. It's like when Kerry lost the election and NYC was just so freaking depressed it was sickening. Not that I wasn't there with them and if I had been allowed to vote, I probably would not have voted for Bush, but come on! But politics isn't my idol, business is. The way my world works is. And because I'm an F of course I feel this one through. I know it was rough letting Lehman go, but in my heart of hearts I was still somewhat loyal to that company and the way it did business and the way the people were. And it was comforting to think that someday I could still get the little green passcard with my picture and name on it and walk around the familiar floors of 745 and eat in the awesome cafeteria. Sometimes I think that's why I'm happy to be a consultant with a red passcard with my picture and name on it, because it has Non-employee on it, like I don't belong to anything and can move around until I can finally get to a company and job that I can feel loyal to. It's weird to think that when my children come to a point like I did in failing to get the job they most wanted, and felt most defined them, I would try to tell my story and they wouldn't even know what Lehman is or what it stood for.

Of course I see God's hand and praise Him for His wisdom and blessing for forcing me to break up with Lehman in a sense. That despite the 6 interviews with major heads and the utter rejection I was given, God was growing me, even in that. And it's rare that one can be shown this so early on, not like years down the road. But the meltdown of Lehman and the buyout of Merrill (both companies I've worked in btw, weird!), affects everyone whether you know it or not. It affects the deal I'm on, which may not happen now. It's the financial version of human brokenness. When one person in a wider community fails so miserably, of course there can be grace given to that person if the community is willing, but a cost is incurred and paid by the community as a whole. Repairing relationships in this way is how we demonstrate God's ultimate grace and love for each of us and all of us. I'm only mentioning this because people think, Oh look at that mess over there! That's weird! and thinks it's far away from them only because they don't understand how connected the world financial markets has become. These were global companies with global implications that will reverberate for decades.

Anyway, there's my rant. And knowing how my friends love me, I know you're wondering what's going through my head, but thanks for reading all that anway.

Strength

1. Harmony
2. Empathy
3. Connectedness
4. Responsibility
5. Relator

I know I've written about this before. But I wanted to process this again given my new circumstances. These are my so called top 5 strengths according to the Strengthsfinder test (2.0!). Basically, the premise is there are certain skills that just come naturally to a person. Each of us does certain things really well without even thinking about it. I took this test through my mom (as I did with Myers-Briggs) who, if you don't already know, is an awesome, non-catty, career HR person (a rare breed indeed). So basically these researchers have identified 32 or so different strengths. I tried looking for the bona fide descriptions for my specific ones, but it's really self-explanatory. Harmony is looking for ways of compromise and generally not liking conflict. Empathy is being really inclined to feel for other people and being good at it (when I don't feel like connecting with somebody I just don't show this and shut it down, even though I really always see where the other person is coming from...though sometimes it is wise to refrain, that's pretty messed up of me, I agree). Connectedness is a tendency to think of things as part of a much larger and meaningful whole (people with this strength obviously would have a tendency to be religious/spiritual). Responsibility is taking ownership of what I do. Relator is having deep, meaningful relationships with those around me. Combining this info with my Myers-Briggs (ISFJ) it's interesting to see how really strong my Feeling is. I process so many things through my values and my emotions. Sometimes I think this is why my memory is so good, I remember the very smells and colors and touch of specifically emotional events in my life.

I started reading my Japanese textbook last night and I've been practicing my hiragana and katakana characters today. It's using a part of my brain I've been forgetting I have. I forget that I'm smart and capable sometimes. I've been sitting at work this past week, trying to think of ways to force output out of me since my work does not require so much. It's been spurred on by some rather substantial decorating I've been doing at home (we're painting tomorrow! it's really looking different already). But of course, these ideas of mine feel rather weak. I feel like a stay-at-home mom who's children have finally grown up and I'm just trying to occupy my time (granted this is similar, but not the same). It feels like a cop out in a way, trying to create an effort in myself so that I feel meaningful again. Shouldn't that be found in God and not in cross-stitching or any other hobby? But if it's the baby step I can do, it is the one I must do. Obviously, God didn't create me just to sit at my desk reading The Onion and fiddling with minor documents all day, and going home washing the dishes and organizing the recycling. And at least I'm looking for something to do with my blessed self, rather than reacting in apathy and depression (which, let's be honest, is the usual Xaris reaction when she doesn't get her way).

It is what it is

I've been realizing that I think about a lot in a day, and it really goes unnoticed, even by my self-centered self. I've been thinking back and realized that graduation and rites of passage of any sort (from entering middle school, to having your first grandchild), kinda force you to redefine yourself, whether you like it or not. What is happening to me, ladies and gentlemen, is an identity crisis. Who knew college life had such a hold on me? Me!? The one who was always yearning for the yuppie life.

It helps that I don't like my job (there, I put it for all the world to see), and I'm doing absolutely nothing 90% of the time, but really, that is beside the point. It only makes this transition more acutely depressing and confusing. I'm sure most of you grads (most of whom actually like their job) would agree.

So out of the depths of confusion, listing some tangible things out kinda makes one feel better.

Things I have lost and grieve over:
1. Structure - I don't care if you went to Gallatin, school freaking gave you structure. There was a beginning and an end to everything. You were given a task to do, and there was a deliverable for every task (whether paper, presentation, or performance on a test). Even the idea that I know exactly when something is over, was a comfort because that meant no matter how bad it got, it always ended, whatever it was whether class or paper. Although I could have decided to end it early myself and take the consequences, those consequences again were structured and known. For instance, if I just walk out of work early without telling anyone and come back to work the next day and no one says anything, I'll never know the impact to my reputation, performance, likability, etc. Well, maybe there are performance reviews, but still it is more subtle. No one generally has the incentive to really tell me, "Hey Xaris, you did really well on those meeting minutes, I think I'll give you an A. You're progressing quite well, you'll probably get an A for the project." Even when I am given something to do, sometimes the person telling me to do it has no idea himself what it should look like, and I have to be intuitive enough to recognize that and ask the right questions and it really largely relies on me whether that thing is gonna get off the ground at all because he has no time to really be checking up with me.

2. Constantly being asked for an opinion/to be insightful - As a student, one is constantly learning and is constantly asked to display somehow what they are thinking. I know in Stern classrooms, the pressure is always on to participate and not only be intelligent but be insightful (it's that arbitrary 5-10% of a Sternie's grade in a grade curve system). Insightful about business? Hell yeah! Some of you have heard my ideas of the sovereignty of God in business and all of that was by virtue of being constantly asked about both all the time. Even in Navs, one is asked hard questions, and your opinion is valued and encouraged. Real world: not so much. I'm lucky to say anything at all about what I think and feel and be taken seriously. What sucks most is the dichotomy of having actually learned A LOT in the last 3 months of work, yet still being wholly unable to feel useful about it. I know actual things in the actual world now, not just theoretical case studies where we made impractical solutions for vague problems. And following a slightly post-modern path, these actual world things are totally relevant to the world at large. I was sort of surprised to find the other night that how the lighting design industry works is totally relatable to the back office processing systems of a prime brokerage. That clinical practice has a lot to do with being a business consultant. And weirdest of all, that all of it has something to do with the brokeness of the world and the healing that it needs and finds in Jesus. I used to think like this almost on a daily basis, nothing has really changed for the structure of how I view business (it's the power of economics that made me study it after all), I just know a lot more, and realize I can't do much at all in this world. In college, between school and my spiritual community, I felt empowered and helpful, people patted you in the back just for having good ideas and deemed you are ready for the real world because of your thinking; here on the other side of graduation I feel dis-empowered and helpless unable to do anything with the ideas I have, if I even manage to collate them and make a cohesive big picture for myself.

Nevertheless, as they like to say at work, "It is what it is". Were my mother to read this blog, I'm sure she'd struggle keeping herself from being patronizing (well, quite frankly, she doesn't struggle at all, she just is when I tell her about this stuff). I think a lot of my Jacob-like wrestling with God has consisted of feeling abandoned and holding onto him and beating it into my heart that just because I feel that way, doesn't mean I am. But this struggle is slightly different. This is feeling a lack of a purpose and self, and trying desperately, everyday, somehow to rest at the cross and know that my identity is in Him and Him alone. This Puritan prayer about Vocation goes something like: "thy love my fullness, thy glory my joy, thy precepts my path, thy cross my resting place."

Point is, just because God holds something back from you (joy, fullness, path, and/or resting place), doesn't make the lies true. Transitions are always designed for character growth. It's like that Craig P metaphor for student leaders. They're like toothpaste, you squeeze them and you see what comes out. The lies (and some truth) of my heart are coming out in full form, and I'm just trying to feed the pure truth back in.