B-t-duhbs (dabbling with the politics)

Frontline's special on both John McCain and Barack Obama is pretty awesome. I read and hear a lot of leaning-left media (you know, to counter the WSJ and my own conservative tendencies), and it really does seem unfair to me how they characterize McCain. He may be totally incompetent with how he controls his party and his campaign and real terrible at public speaking, but he essentially is who he says he is. He is definitely not George Bush nor a real party faithful. Also, the dirty tactics by Republicans on mischaracterizing Obama and totally messing with the message of Obama's policies, not to mention ignoring the racism that goes on is totally disgusting. I think I'm with Colin Powell on this one. Both men are pretty great and able to lead. That's what makes this election so great, we finally have two completely different men, who are both, at the heart of it, great men. I'm so glad that this is the first presidential election I get to vote in!! I just like how positive Frontline is about each man and his strengths. I love PBS.

The Importance of Music

Been listening to a lot of Coldplay recently (well my iPod keeps "shuffling" to it).

From "White Shadows"

"Maybe you get what you wanted
Maybe you stumbled upon it
Everything you ever wanted
In a permanent state

Maybe you'll know when you see it
Maybe if you say it, you'll mean it
And when you find it, you keep it
In a permanent state
A permanent state"

Just feeling and digging that a lot right now. Music can be so much more effective at explaining and feeling than spoken words.

I've been feeling rather musical this week. I'm starting to really miss my voice lessons I think. In the cramped practice rooms of Steinhardt, there was a freedom to perform without feeling like an idiot, because only Megan R, who has heard every part of my voice, was respectfully judging. (Btw, I am a major fan of this woman, she is one of the best people I know) And when Edward started playing for me, it was also great, because I knew his judgments were also based on reality. I'm not a fantastic singer, but I like to use what I've been given once and awhile. I don't sing for others though, I sing for myself and the Lord.

Most people know that when I was growing up, I sort of idolized Lea Salonga. Being the kind of dreamer I am, I would secretly want to be her, but never put anything towards such aspirations. She was just so talented, doing concerts and musicals throughout the world meanwhile totally keeping her down-to-earth attitude and sweet heart. My parents have a VHS of this concert she did in the Philippines, even after all her success and everything, she was still the same cute girl, speaking in polite Tagalog, singing Pilipino songs as well as American songs. I think she's just a high class kind of person.

Grace Covers Shame

Of course the name of this blog is not an uncommon part of Christianese, but I wanted to mention the song that inspired me to use it. Watermark is this band made up of a cute married couple, with really deep lyrics and playful music. I wish I could sing their songs in worship. Like many other artists, my brother introduced me to them (he became an American citizen on Tuesday btw). The song is from The Purest Place album.

"You Come As You Are"

I lay me down at Your feet my Jesus
Find me here with a heart that's pure
I am raised up in the love You pour on me
The moment I believe...

I lay me down at Your feet my Jesus
Find me here with a life like Yours
I am raised up in pow'r that sets me free
The moment I believe The moment I believe

Chorus:
(that) You come as You are And I come as I am
And grace covers shame
You come in Your pow'r And I bow down
And grace covers shame
You come like a flood and I'm lost in this "Hallelujah!"
You come as You are and I come as I am
And grace covers all of me... All of me...

I lay me down at Your feet my Master
Find me here with the grace to know
That I am raised up in the perfect love of God
The moment I believe The moment I believe

Chorus

Bridge:
I am laid broken Lord I am open
Breathe in me
And this by design Is Your life divine Living in me...
You come as You are...
I come as I am
You come in Your power And I bow down

Chorus


There are times when I just feel like shouting Hallelujah, Rejoice, or Praise the Lord, but often than not I don't. It seems to happen in the times when I feel desperate, or someone who is speaking to me sounds desperate, and I just wanna yell it to their face, as if it would make it more true in our hearts. Well, it probably wouldn't hurt, but Scripture is better.

"God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" -Numbers 23:19

Alright...

Laura Z tagged me.

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and / or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.


1. When I was smaller in the Philippines, we didn't have a car and we only ever took public transportation or taxis. So whenever I had thoughts of running away from home, I would think of hailing a taxi and just telling it to make random right turns, until we eventually reached the provinces...I didn't think through how I would've paid for it though.

2. I like peanut butter, but I hate peanut butter with chocolate (i.e. ice cream, Reese's, granola bars, etc). Blech!

3. There is never a morning that I don't want to sing (even if it was a sad song)...but I most certainly never do because I don't want to bother people with my morning voice.

4. I wish I didn't have to wear clothes.

5. I have dyed my hair blond and reddish brown (and it was disgusting), but all I ever really wanted was to have really dark blue-violet highlights that would only be really visible in the sun...too late now.

6. I want to live in Japan someday, 6 months in an urban area, and 6 months in a more rural area.

7. I love long walks in the rain (as long as I have appropriate coverage and footwear and I have nowhere to go).

Tagging: Alison W, Alex S, Elizabeth S, Jas, Erica, Stephanie D, Josh P

I know more people on Xanga, but I don't have access to it at work...most of these people don't really post anyway so whatever. Just trying to follow the rules.

I'm just confused

Lynette Lewis, who spoke at the Saturday lunch at Pure, is not the type of woman I thought I'd really, really want to get to know. It's something awful that I do, especially being a business woman. Knowing how successful her credentials were, and how beautiful and made up she was, and the fact that her book is called "Climbing the Ladder in Stilletos". I was majorly, majorly judging. I was thinking, oh this woman is just one of those successful, type A, modern types living it up in NY, who's really shallow (yeah, like I'm so not shallow).

But then she talked about dreams running on all cylinders, and I just started sobbing. I've been getting this feeling recently like God has put me in a position where my dreams are on hold. Well, really I go back and forth. I go from one extreme that God is just withholding any fulfillment of any of my dreams...then I think wait, wait a second, am I that loser who never does anything with her life? Is it God telling me to wait, or is there a need for me to make a decision and be wise? It's so frustrating because I get to the point where I'm even forgetting my dreams..wait, why do I like business, why did I even go to business school, why am I in New York City? Why do I write so many posts on finance? Why do I hope for this world? The answer should be God, but the specifics are made up of dreams that God has given me. God did not put me in this world just to pine for His love, He put me here to change the world and spread His love around.

Brandi Carlisle has this song "Again Today". This is some of it.

"Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

I'm broken down,
not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused"

I think the problem with me is that I don't necessarily think I deserve to be where I'm at, employed, living in an amazing apartment, having loving friends and family. I think it's all by accident, like I just took the path of least resistance, and I'm just gonna keep on trucking that way. Things are never that simple though.

Pure

I realized I didn't really think about the conference much before I had gone. It was just this block of time that I had set apart, and I was content in not knowing of what I would want to happen in that time. It's freeing to be able to approach events like this, no details, no plans, especially when the event delivers.

So I guess that's really what I learned and enjoyed at Pure - freedom. I was free to laugh, cry, talk, sing, dance, jump, knit, and sometimes shout with unusual abandon. I was free to sound foolish, and free to offer wisdom. Free to be alone, free to be surrounded (like literally) by my sisters. Free to be young, free to be old. Free to love, and free to voice hate so as to repent.

Paige Brown had an illustration of a water bottle knocking over and everything spilling on the floor. Why's the water on the floor? Because there was water in the bottle. There are situations in life that cause the bottle to knock over, but whatever ends up on the floor is because it was in the bottle to begin with. Obviously this is a broadly used idea, but the visual of the water all over the floor is compelling to me. So I guess, I felt free and safe enough at Pure to knock the bottle over myself to see, show and discuss what comes out. Seeing that for others as well, some women who I would never have thought I would even totally relate to, was so encouraging.

Maybe this sounds really intense, like counseling, but it wasn't counseling. It was just fellowship. No one was there to fix one another, we were there for the Lord. And it wasn't intense in that stressful way when you're feeling really broken, it was peaceful, calm, rest in the Lord. It helped that all the ladies weren't freaking out and buckling down under the weight of their own sin, they were offering it to God and asking why? Struggling with God instead of themselves.

At so many points, I just felt soooooo loved by God, that I couldn't believe how stupid I was and am and probably will be in not trusting His wisdom, strength, and worthiness. It's been awhile since I've felt so completely vindicated and redeemed. (Another Paige Brown-ism) Looked at the cross and said Am I that bad? YES! Am I that loved? YES!

My life in school had so many seasonal weekends away from the city between all the leadership retreats and Nav retreats. And I think I had forgotten how one weekend can do the work of several months in the Spirit. How Penn State 2004 had set the course for a changed life for me and that was only 3 days, no extended weekend needed. Out of any other retreat I've gone to, I remember the most details from this one, even now. I can't even remember what I did for free time last year in Vermont, but I remember the songs we sang and where I sat for worship at Penn State. I remember I slept in this heavenly, soft bed (probably the best bed I've ever slept in) next to Stephanie D. I remember Dan Brown throwing a pile of leaves on my car (with the windows open) and subsequently losing his wallet, and finding it in the dark later. From then on, my car has always had fall leaves somewhere in it at whatever time of year. I remember Nicole T talking about wanting to be the prince on the white horse and marveling at the thought that some women didn't want men to open the door for them (wtf?). I remember reading Revelations (for Con West) while people were almost dying in caves somewhere. I remember Mike Chen and Tyler being amazed at my mad skillz at lying to them. I remember that the alum and random older people outnumbered the freshmen.

Thursday

I got nothing..

Well, I probably got something, but there's really no time to get on with it, cause I gots a meeting to go to (womp, womp). Sometimes you just don't feel like writing an opinion down. It's also harder with blogging, because I never know if someone out there is actually going to respond to what I'm saying. It's like this black hole that I can shout into, but nothing comes out. That can be really rewarding at times, but right now I don't feel like I need that.

However, I did decide to write something everyday I'm in the office. So here I am doing it.

POOP! (That's for Josh)

Health

OMG, really?? Oh man, if I were rich I think I'd waste a lot of money on things just because they're so cute. It reminds me of that site I found once with pictures of the stuff toy pandas...doing things...does anyone remember me showing you that?

Anyway, going to see the dermatologist today, and I'm excited to be able to leave work a little early. The bite area is kind of gross, and it hurts, but that's what's great about having a job where I sit all day.

So I got this deal in the mail for Ballys and it says I can invite friends to it for $19/month. So if you want the extremely cheap deal (for nyc anyway) let me know, and I'll hook you up. It's not a very convenient gym for me, but it could work. Also, my health insurance reimburses me so it's technically free (if I go to they gym 50 times in a 6 month period...it's unlikely, but I can dream). At $99 for a year, I can't really complain. My health insurance is awesome btw. I pay no premiums nor for any prescription costs, no deductible, just a copay. Kinda makes me want to go to the doctor more often.

That's it. I'm awesomely bored today.

Bites and Mint

So God is really trying to tell me something. I think I got bit by a spider on Sunday night. The bite was largely fine yesterday (thank God!), but it may be because I was drinking insane amounts of water, and took some aspirin (fending off the normal Monday headache). Today, it has decided to swell a bit more, throb in pain and puss out. At least, this time this is on my ankle, a completely hidden part of my body, instead of my face. Don't worry, I already called my good for nothing Dermatologist and setup an appointment. I hadn't been to a dermatologist IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, and this past 3 months I would have seen her 3 times. And every time I'm there for like 5 minutes, as she looks at me quickly, tells me it's going away, perscribes me some expensive cream and tells me not to eat spicy food or get flustered, then takes my $25 copay. Seriously, in 5 minutes.

On to the main purpose of this post.

As most of you know, I have this awesome (as in efficient, not necessarily wise ^_^) budget that I created on Excel. Of course though, it has some limitations. It's very time intensive when looking up and entering transactions and I've never been able to figure out how to effectively integrate my student loans on there. So I finally gave in and opened up a Mint account, something I had been hearing about for awhile. It's one of many free budget tools online. It hooks up into all your accounts (checking, savings, brokerage, 401K, IRA's, loans, credit cards, name the financial institution and it's on there) and compiles them all. I think the coolest part about it is the pie charts as shown below.


This was already something I was trying to do in my dinky Excel, but the chart is amazing. Say you have like a high-level pie chart with like Home, Food and Dining, etc. categories, you can click on a category (like Food and Dining) and it shows you what percentages of it were Restaurants, Fast Food, Groceries, then click on Restaurants, it shows you all the restaurants you've been to and how much you spent on it (my example is up there, if you can read it). It's insane! I never knew that I pretty much don't visit sit down restaurants more than once or twice in a month! I'm quite a restaurant fiend! To the right of the chart marks the frequency you did business at a particular place.

What's below the pie chart is also interesting because you can compare how much you spend to how much other people who use Mint spend in any city. And it even does it per business. So basically I can compare how much people spend in NY at French Roast on average to how much I spend in a month! There's really a lot more to it and here is a fuller review. I'm just highlighting what I think are the coolest features I've played with so far.

It's really easy to use, and once it's setup, it's setup automatically as in it refreshes the accounts by itself. I think the most tedious part in setting up is just looking through the transactions and putting them in the right categories. But a lot of them are really automatically there (like it recognizes Ann Taylor as Clothing). I'll probably keep using my Excel budget, just because it gives me a remarkable amount of control and I can see the impact of a transaction whenever I want to, not like wait around until it hits my account. But getting to play with the charts in this thing, getting reminders about when a credit card bill is due, and getting to check only this site to see if something has gone through (as in I don't have to go to all the different websites of all my different banks and credit cards) are good additions to the way I manage and analyze my money.

So yeah, this is another post on money...but I've got the time on my hands and the attention span to match. I don't know if any of you would actually go and do this, but I think it's super cool. Any interest out there? Comments?

Dreams of my Father

First of all, from the man himself (I'm so proud that my boyfriend sent me this).

I went to a Redeemer seminar yesterday to hear Dr. Peter Heslam talk about bringing the world closer to the Kingdom of God through business. Right up my alley no? Because I'm a dork and I have all this time on my hands below are my crude Paint renditions of the diagrams he showed us.
The one on the right is referring to the problem of Poverty, and how it can be pushed out through business with the 4 different types of capital: Institutional, Relational, Moral, and Spiritual. The left describes how Spiritual Capital is foundational to all the others i.e. Spiritual leads to Moral leads to Relational leads to Institutional and Institutional informs Relational informs Moral informs Spiritual. Institutional is all about having good governments, low corruption, free markets and whatnot. It seems counter-intuitive, but studies show that the lower the corruption is, the freer the markets are for a country. Relational is having the intelligence to know how to do business with people aka not screwing people over. It's hard to trade with another country if you're at war. Therefore, peace = good for business. Moral capital is what it sounds like, just being honest since the main currency to keep the economy running is trust (which is what is disintegrating right now). Spiritual capital is really what we Christians know as religion and the Christian life in general, but Dr. Heslam is trying to translate Gospel language to a secular world and chooses to say "Spiritual" for people who are scared of religion in hopes that later on they'll be convicted about the sustainability of their spirituality without religion.

He talked about A LOT of interesting points in like 30 minutes. But mainly he talked about the value of bringing us closer to the Kingdom of God through business without necessarily having conversions. That unbeknownst to the Chinese he talks to, who deem Spirituality as Confuscianism, they are living out the will of God by adopting these foundational ideas, and he can be a witness to Jesus in the meantime. It was really cool having to use all the things I'd learned from my development and Colonialism classes at school to understand the bigger picture of what he was saying (I smell another paper). It spoke so deeply to my soul and the dreams I have about the power of business for the glory of God that after talking to Mike Chen (who we all know is such a good listener and was at the seminar) about some of my ideas, I literally wanted to cry (and did so when I admitted it out loud). I am such a friggin' feeler. It's so rare to be able to think and expound upon with others who understand and are working with me to bring about the specific vision God has personally shown me in so many times of insipiration while at school. To similarly think that at the root of Capitalism is evil, but it can be redeemed by the grace of God, that it could work for the good of those who love Him and surrender to Him and then furthermore the world.

I was invited to do a recruitment event for tonight at NYU. I immediately was excited, some may say inexplicably so knowing my experience with work so far. I couldn't quite understand it either. But it's a lot like welcoming freshmen into Navs. It's being transparent and honest and welcoming people into a company (which apparently comes from the latin of "breaking bread together"). And from that vantage point, I'm able to influence my own company as they see that I'm willing to invest in it. It's part of Redeemer's whole thing about being for the city, but not of it.

My co-worker went with me to the 6pm service yesterday too and she responded very well! It was such an answer to prayer. She's a Christian, but I can tell she has idols in her life that she has not really admitted to (don't we all ^_^). I look forward to what God has in store for her and the deepening of her faith.

Obviously, it has been a good birthday season so far (and I've only written the half of it!). God is good and faithful. That would be true anyway even if I had a bad birthday, but it's great to say when it feels so easy. Blessed be His name.