Some Art

Ben and I went to the 9:15 Redeemer yesterday because it was a Lessons & Carols service (btw, they do have mini-muffins, but they don't have apple juice!). This was on the cover of the bulletin. I thought it was really funny because of how it looked, but it made me wish I could have that voice-over like they do in the History channel that quickly explains to me why the faces look the way they do. Haha, I just think it's so funny. Mary's like catching Jesus like a football or something OR pointing at the sleeping Joseph in exasperation. And look at the angel who looks like it's just going "Tada, Christmas..." I would've done captions, but there's something about really old art that you just don't want to tarnish. You gotta respect things that are old (it's from the 1200s).

This on the other hand is not that old at all. I've mentioned this piece before, having quoted the phrase on it "Empowerment cannot be translated as entitlement" I first saw it at the MoMA, but turns out it's actually a functional bookshelf for OneStar Press books that the MoMA (obvi) bought. I don't actually know what these books are about or who writes them, but I really like the idea of the book shelf. Somehow it really communicates the power of books and education in general. I put the picture of it in the background of my phone, and it has served as an occasionally edifying reminder.

Foundation of Self

I've been seeing a lot of random Sternies, ever since I started work...even in Jersey City. I saw this one guy today (AGAIN!), and I still can't believe he actually has a job...he was a bit of a cheater/slacker at school. Anyway, I think I always see him when he's running late because I get to work at around 8:45am and he's only just starting to go to the city.

I guess I should have realized this before, but it's weird that as long as I work in this area, I'm always going to have that familiar Stern building experience of recognizing faces, but not actually knowing the person. I have never even talked to or had a class with a lot of Sternies, but I can pick them out and recognize them on the street. It's kinda cool, kinda like we're taking over the world the way Dean Blount-Lyon always says touts we will.

Anyway, THANK YOU LAUREN for pointing out Beth Moore's blog. I guess we should've expected it from that woman. That's a really good post by her too, and one I need now. Frankly, when you're feeling lost and confused sometimes you forget that's what you're supposed to feel...because you are. It's like all the other times we're just making do with not knowing, in both good and bad ways.

A couple weeks ago I got in the habit of singing in the shower that song we would sing while re-establishing the poles for the building (again and again) in Honduras. The song was about the man who built his house on the sandy land. "Don't build your house on the sandy land, don't build your house on the shore, well it might be kind of nice, but you'll have to build it twice...you'll have to build your house once more." That's how I remember it anyway.

I'm excited because I just reconciled my phone to my address book for most of the morning. It was very tedious, but I kept doing it and didn't stop concentrating, didn't even look at the computer once. Whew, yes I can still concentrate! It's something very little, but it means a lot to me. It contributes a lot to my sense of self.

I went to this Stewardship seminar with Redeemer last night, and it's really affirming to talk to Christian finance professionals. I can talk about my faith, as well as talk about money without feeling like a dork. People tend to be so uncomfortable talking about money, but for me (like many things I guess) I wish it was easier to just get to the point. I think it was Tim Keller who pointed out how people find it so much easier to talk about sex than to talk about money. Sure people talk about their sexual past, but I don't remember the last time I heard someone talk about how much they spent on clothes last year and how that compared to how much they gave to God.

It was scary, because I started thinking about how I wish I could be like these cool professionals doing ministry work at the same time. Maybe...maybe...even do financial counseling. I freaked myself out because I'd never even thought about it before. That would mean more schooling, probably at a seminary...wow, I thought, wow I can't believe I'm thinking like this!

Back to the song about sandy land. Jesus is my rock foundation (at least I like to think so), but He can be so all mysterious and hazy sometimes. And I think Beth Moore's post is challenging me to stay within that. And in that haze, it's almost like I can do absolutely anything...it's irritating and wonderful at the same time.

Productivity

I can't believe I got completely done with all my Christmas shopping like super early. Well, it's probably because I'm online all day, and find deals all the time through Google Reader. Also, I've been thinking about what to give people for a few months. One of the many instances when I sit at my desk, look around, and suddenly find something to be productive with. I wish I could somehow freelance out my time, like if you needed some Access data entry done or you needed a spreadsheet made up, or you need me to design a resume, newsletter or a PowerPoint presentation (I've actually done that last one before and got paid around $100..I was 13 years old). I could probably be someone's personal shopper, I work right by the mall! I would totally do it for money. I could start a side business....but not quite sure how.

Sometimes I dream about getting a job at a pet store, like on nights and weekends or something. Sometimes I wish I could babysit for someone. It's not that I have a lot of free time, it's just that I have a lot of emotional, spiritual, and mental capacity and space to work with. Why not capitalize on that?

I do feel guilty sometimes that I should be reading more about trade settlements and regulatory reporting, but really who wants to do that? It's better to see that kind of thing in action at work anyway, that's how most people know what they're doing. That's one revelation I've gotten in the working world: No one (well, this refers to people not on project mode, but are just doing a day-to-day job) really knows the whole picture of what they're doing. Most people live on the vague ideas and as long as something works, it works. To a certain extent, everyone just has to have faith in the process. YES, faith!

Alright, I don't really have a point.

I am Scatter Brained

I think what's really weird about my life right now, is that I don't need a to do list. As in, I really don't need to write stuff down, because there ain't much, and I somehow remember things at the right moment...or really the challenge is creating things for me to do. But because everything is so scatter brained, it's feels so different. Like I'll think of doing one thing, and then interrupt myself and do something else sooooo easily and so frequently, EVEN when doing my budget. It kinda scares me because I remember being really good at concentrating and doing the same thing over and over again for hours...and liking it.

It's like it's not enough that my schedule and pace of life is dramatically different, the very things that structured my life before are actually gone so that I don't have this clear cut syllabus with the list of problem sets and group projects and when they're due, and what they're clearly about, and have some sense of progress and continuity. Everything's just more vague and kinda sorta. It's anarchy, and I'm amazed that I've even really settled down to it at all. And it's changing how I think, work, even play. I feel like I can't read for hours anymore.

Many posts in this blog have been a result of me opening the "New Post" page early in the day, and just working on it in bits and pieces, but continually shuffling through other things like Google reader, various email, or any other current project. I usually update the time stamp for whatever feels the most right, like I wrote the majority of this around 4:30.

It's like I get so distracted because it's not like I have this burden to carry the way school work could be, so I feel this freedom to just leave something and go do something else if it doesn't seem particularly fun at the moment. I'm really glad I told myself to write everyday, otherwise there are lots of days when I don't even want to think or write about anything.

Another weird thing that happens is that because there's nothing in particular to think about or do, my brain can just pick this one thing to think about and do...the WHOLE DAY. And I feel trapped in it. It can be as frivolous as looking for a certain kind of dress, or it could be as nasty as spiritual warfare.

The oddest thing is that I never quite remember what I did in a day much more what I thought about or who I talked to about what. After a day at work, I feel pretty dazed and unable to carry on a normal conversation. It's like I need a little time to reconfigure who I am since I've been someone else all day. Ugh.

Stern Email

...makes me a better person. I seriously believe this. Quite unfortunately it cuts out after year end. So consider yourself educated. Please use my Gmail instead.

I am sincerely going to miss my Stern email as it made me a more effective communicator in life. The design is so intuitive and so useful. Basically, it's like Gmail, but with a colored tagging system and the entire Stern community listing automatically. Very useful for emailing professors or random deadbeat teammates who forgot to give you their info. The colored tagging helps in making different tags relate to each other i.e. all Nav related tags are orange. Of course, as all Gmail users know, the conversation type listing is uber useful.

Anyway, I just like it a lot and I'm really going to miss it. I don't have Gmail access at work, but I'll probably start forwarding it to the lackluster NYU email, which apparently is available for life as long as you log into NYU Home once a month. But it's nothing like Stern...<_>

Theme Songs

There are a lot of parallels between now and 4 years ago, I think. It's almost designed that way when you go to college and graduate and get a job. One I thought was kind of interesting to point out was my choice of theme songs. You know, like how TV shows have that one theme song that never changes because it encompasses a lot of the ongoing themes of the show. I think people should definitely have theme songs for different seasons of life. For my freshman year, it was definitely Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway, for the most obvious reasons. Note that she was an American Idol and this song was popular at the time. It just felt really right.

Now, in this recent grad situation I'm in, it's Jordan Sparks's One Step At A Time. Also from an American Idol and also has been pretty popular. Maybe it's because American Idol winners and the like are encouraged to have these kind of hopeful, making a change kind of songs since that's literally what America has seen them do, so a song celebrating that is automatically going to be popular. It's very marketable.

So yes, of course I'm going to find songs like this, because young people like to sing and hear about songs that talk about how hard and frustrating it can be to be young and unestablished, with no cred whatsoever. But it doesn't make it less magical to find that one song that just expresses so much about where you're at. It's like you're thinking about something, and all of a sudden this person who has nothing to do with you and is thousands of miles away starts expressing your exact feelings in a way you understand and completely relate to. It's like a Tim Keller sermon. It's so deeply affirming.

Affirmation and Humility

Can you believe it? I actually had real work to do all of yesterday! It was real important too! I even stayed later to finish it. Fun!

I realized the consultants I work with are words of affirmation kind of people. You can say they probably like to butter up clients, but the fact that they say that stuff to me as well shows that at least it is just something they naturally do well. I have this theory that love languages can be learned and developed, and I think words of affirmation is one of those things that I don't do as well. I don't think I ever did this very well at all, but I definitely think now, given my current life circumstances, I just suck at it. I don't do well receiving it either, not knowing what to do with that kind of lovin'; since most of the time I try to convince myself that it's not what I'm looking for. Yet of course, when someone affirms me, I get flustered because I realize how desperately I want it. I want to be recognized and told how smart, beautiful and accomplished I am.

Solution: Jesus. More practically, I think I need to learn how to do this for others. If not for the sake of God's love, at least career-wise it's a really good skill to have. For example, I may be not doing much work, but if I knew how to affirm people, I would be making a difference.

This is related to Laura's last few sentences in her post about the FOTOS ministry. The entire post itself was real good (props to Laura...hey! affirmation!), but the last few sentences struck me.

"Here's to helping hurting people, instead of ignoring or downplaying. Here's to humility instead of self-protection. Here's to shalom."

Shalom is freaking hard. I think in a lot of ways, graduating has forced me to create some pretty hefty boundaries, mainly to have some room to grow myself into this new life. But there's a balance there..and I fear edging into self-protection. I went from having a ultra-vulnerable community that encouraged openness to a yuppie life filled with fears of the unknown and the pressure to toughen up and figure it out. The contrast makes the vulnerabilities that I do have with people more sensitive, and they hurt more when I feel like I've been shut down. I'm not sure why, but I speculate it's because I've self protected so carefully and fearfully that I feel like I failed to protect myself when things go a bit wrong.

Or I blame God. I've asked God a lot why vulnerability has to hurt so much. As if to ask why must I be vulnerable? Isn't that weird for me to ask? Does that sound like Xaris at all? I'm used to being on the opposite end of things, being really good at being open but bad at closing up...well maybe that's not really changed at all. But we are called to be both guarding our hearts as well as humbling them to be in community with one another...shalom...That's just really hard. But I cling to hope...

"For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God" -1 John 3:20b-21

Christmas Wish List

I've been on ebay a lot recently. I totally forgot how I can get such bang for my buck there. I've been toying with the idea of buying some really old Blackberry that seem to go for around $50 and just ask the mama for the data addition to the plan...but the whole point of wanting it, I must admit, is really the sexiness of it, not just the functionality. Technology is something that is important to me (ultra nice dress pants however not as much), so I don't exactly feel like this is silly of me. Currently, I am the winning bidder of this pretty package. I've been wanting a PS2 for years (highly doubt I'd ever get a PS3) mainly because I've got PS2 games. I'm also uber excited to finally be a proud owner of Guitar Hero. I can't believe more people aren't bidding for this, but I guess it's because the next gen stuff is more appealing. Well, that means it's more valuable to me and I'm willing to pay more than most.

Anyway, so I thought I would write a Christmas Wish List. I actually don't expect to receive any of these things for Christmas, but they are things I'll be in the process of saving for in the following months/years. Really, it wouldn't even have to be brand new, just newer than I have now. Here it is in quasi-covet level order

1) Blackberry (really anything with a full keyboard and runs on T-Mobile and looks cool, like the G1...I admit I am a bit tempted by the touch screen stuff...)
2) Laptop/netbook (again, it can be used or even just 2 years old; Essentials to me are 2GB Ram, >= 160 MB hard drive, XP, Microsoft Office Suite 2003 but really just need Excel ^_^, DVD/CD RW combo, dual-core processor speed doesn't really matter, integrated graphics card or better, and built in wireless card) - Honestly, that's actually really modest, and I could get a $400 laptop with these bare bones. Been watching this puppy the last couple of days.
3) non-iron shirts from CTshirts.com (they have an AMAZING return policy; would consider Brooks Brothers as well)
4) proper black boots (I'm a New Yorker, I'm a woman, it's essential)
5) Guitar Hero/PS2
6) Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan
7) tailored pant suits
8) Book shelf (mine is literally teetering)
9) Xbox 360 with games
10) Get the back bumper of Gigi fixed
11) Trip to Tokyo
12) Trip to London
13) Trip to Germany to see Summer B

Obviously, with 10-13 I'm reaching into fairy tale land. In general though, life is pretty blessed. I still can't believe I actually OWN a digital camera, and I would have kicked myself if it had cost any more than $200, since I don't really use it that often. It's weird to think that I can basically afford anything with a little saving, but just not everything. It's all about realizing what I want the most.

What the hell is going on?

In all these months, I've really moved beyond the idea of, "What should I be doing right now?" I think this was one of the main motivators of my life. Even if it meant me rebelling against the thought and not doing anything, it was still a main driver. There are times now when I am blissfully unaware of what's going on (accent on the blissful), but there are also times like right now, when I realize my entire team may be at a meeting I'm supposed to be minuting. And why don't I just go? Well...short answer: it's complicated, seflish answer: I realized it 26 minutes in and I'm feeling a bit resentful that this happens more often because the people I work with don't care enough to come out and get me (which they of course do for the essential people). Signaling that the minutes that I do are not appreciated whatsoever, despite the fact it is the main deliverable I'm responsible for. It's also due to faulty Lotus Notes (this is probably the worst application for email, EVER...I want my Outlook back), and constant rescheduling of flaky middle-aged men, thus screwing up my calendar.

All this to say that there are times when I am at rest, but there are times when I am in a panic about the things I don't know. I used to really feel like I was connected to everything that was going on in the various spheres of my life - school, Navs, Lehman, family.

"So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known." -Matthew 10:26

I find now, more and more things are concealed and hidden. I absolutely don't know what's going on. Maybe this has to do with having larger spheres and being smaller in them. This passage is so satisfying to the open questions. There's a metaphor Jesus continues with: "Are not tow sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father" -v29. I found it so striking that no matter if my body gets sold into slavery, God is still sovereign over my body and my soul...and I will find out what the hell is going on, like fully without any confusion whatsoever, at some point in time, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in this lifetime, but Jesus promised that I will. Wow, that's amazing. Anything that has ever confused me or I am perplexed by, I will understand. From astro physics to that friendship that kinda got screwed up. And I'll be grateful that it is what it is.

Movie Quotes and Budgeteering

I'm a bit of a movie freak. But only a bit, not too much. Really, it's just like saying I'm an escapist. But I like to think it's more than that because I read the movie section of the NY Times, and read up on the business of Hollywood.

Anyway, amongst the many wonderful things I got to enjoy this Thanksgiving weekend with the amazing Grace L (with whom, I realized, I have had a profound number of shared unique experiences with), was being able to just watch movies. I continued doing so when I got home because LOTR and Tomorrow Never Dies were on. I also finally got to watch The Family Man, which came out in 2000. I've thought about this film many, many times so I'm so glad I finally got it out of the way. It had a smattering of golden quotes in it; one of which was: "Don't screw up the best thing in your life just because you're a little unsure about who you are."

Here's one from The Two Towers...indulge me:
"Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for. "

On other news, another person has caught a glimpse of my overwhelming budget skills. Christine, my coworker from the Ops group, was coming over for a bit of chit chat while I was madly going through my receipts from this weekend as well as just doing the month end stuff. She was like, "Are you busy?" I was like, "Nope." Then she said, "Man, it looked like some complicated mapping or something." I think sometimes I work on my budget just because it does kinda look like work. She further explained that her mother did all her accounting for her and does not even know any of her passwords nor how much is in her bank account...I could not even imagine. This is from a girl who wears Brooks Brothers shirts with cuff links and looks fabulous EVERYDAY (yes, Grace, she's that girl) and has generally had more experience and knowledge about the business than me. I was semi-shocked.

Good news is whenever I show someone my budget, they inevitably figure out I'm a Christian ^_^. She was like, "Who are those people? Why do they get a piece of the deal?" And I say, "Oh, they're my missionary friends." And leave the rest of the explanation for later.